02x04 - Series 2, Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

It's been four weeks now
since Jock and me formed our

start-up bike-stealing company, and
business has been f*cking booming.

Have we been selling bikes
for a month now?

We must be loaded.
How much have we got?

I haven't balanced the accounts yet,
but we must have shitloads, like.

Is that it? Where did it all go?

Void.

I suppose we did have
a lot of overheads.

The problem with stealing bikes
is it's a very inconsistent way

to earn a living. We need to find
something to subsidise our earnings.

If we did our driving test,
we could learn how to steal cars.

Can't do that. There's too many
joyriders to compete with.

There's been an upside
and a downside to the break-up

between me mam and Sergeant Healy.

The upside is he's not
banging her any more.

The downside is he's got way too
much f*cking time on his hands.

I have you now,
you little pricks! Bollocks!

Believe it or not, myself and Jock
prepare for this kind of situation.

So our identities
are kept incognito.

My name is Charles Faraday
and I come from England.

And I'm George Montague,
and I also come from England.

♪ Give him a ball
and a yard of grass

♪ He'll give you a move
with a perfect pass

♪ Give him a ball
and a yard of space

I see Margaret cut her hedge
again next door.

Carry on, continue as you were.

I haven't had a croquette in years.
May I? Thank you!

♪ He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile

♪ He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile

♪ He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile

Anyone else coming through?

Oh, no. Go on, go on, go on!

There really has to be an easier way
to make money than this.

Con...

Jock and me nearly all have
the same idea at the same time,

because we pretty much
share the same brain.

It had better be good. All right,
three, two, one... Is it good? Yeah.

Ta-da!

Well, where's the surprise? There's
a big heap of sh*t in the way.

The surprise is the heap of sh*t.
It's a chip van.

It's unreal, isn't it?

We spoke to the owner, he said
euros and it's all yours.

He didn't even charge us for
the tenner of diesel in the t*nk.

He's a fierce nice fellow.

He practically just gave it away.
You two want to run a chip van?

We are going to be businessmen.
Entre pioneers. Entrepreneurs.

You should learn to say the word
before you call yourselves that.

Entre...

...pioneers.

Entre pioneers.

You should probably just stick to

calling yourselves dickheads
for now.

We are going to be % independent,
not relying on no-one.

We need you to drive the van,
by the way. And pay for it.

We also need you to get free fish
for our business, which is called...

Conor...
Jock and...

Jock and...
Conor...

Conor and Jock's
fish and chips.

You two want to run a business?
You can't even run a bath.

That's just because the immersion is
so hot, we keep burning ourselves.

And we were just eating our dinner,
and they came running through,

and they took one of the croquettes.

I don't know. Did you notice
anything about them physically?

Were they the same height, or what?

Well, the tall lanky fellow was
wearing a white shell tracksuit,

and the short tubby fellow was
wearing a blue shell tracksuit.

They were definitely English.

And I'd say by the sounds of it
they came from money.

Billy's been dealing with getting
dumped the traditional Irishman way.

First, drink shitloads of alcohol.

Then try and ride other women.
Because you might even enjoy it.

Just a little bit. Or a big bit.

For the last time,
I don't want to see yours,

and I'm not showing you mine.

And when that doesn't work,
eat curry chips. Sorry, sorry.

All right. If you can think of
anything else, let me know, all right?

Thanks very much. You
have my direct phone number.

What are you doing here?
It's a total coincidence.

No, not the same reason you're here.

Yeah, we were looking
at a second-hand chip van.

Becoming businessmen. Businessmen?
Yeah. What about school?

School's for dickheads. Do you
know, if we were still together,

these two would still be
finishing off their education,

not coming up with hare-brained
business ideas. Is that right?

Yes, it is right.

It's actually been
scientifically proven that

children who come from a...

Stable family environment have a
much better chance of succeeding in life.

Are you saying I'm unstable? When we
were together, you weren't unstable.

I think she's very stable.
And how would you know?

Unstable people can't tell
how stable they are.

They're too unstable.
Un-f*cking-believable.

Jock, are you hearing this? Sure am.

This coming from a man who chases
kids on bikes for a living.

These two fellows
are the very picture of stability.

And you see that woman there?

She's like a lighthouse
in a sea of instability.

And we never hit a rock. Never.

Is being kicked
out of school not a rock?

Getting a teenage girl
pregnant not a rock?

What about having no future?

Is that not a rock?
I could do with a rock right now.

When you're ready to take me back,
we can fix all of this.

f*cking prick. f*cking prick.
f*cking prick.

Heads!

Do you know how we can get
back at this f*cking prick?

How?

Imagine Healy's face if we turn this
into an actual successful business.

Just look at it now.

Imagine it sitting there all
sparkling and new looking.

And we are all wearing matching
outfits, like proper chip-makers.

And then one day Healy
walks up to the van.

He walks up and he's holding
his stomach in pain. He is starving.

And all he wants
is some fish and chips,

and he knows that you have the best
fish and chips in all the city.

Oh, I'm Healy. I'm so hungry.
Please, please can I have some food?

And you get that food.

You get a plate of the most
delicious fish and chips you

could possibly make, and he's
dripping, foaming from the mouth.

And you just look at him and say...

Go f*ck yourself.

Exactly!

OK. Yes!

We do it together as a partnership.
All right.

And we split the profits evenly,

so me and Conor get %
and you get .

Done.

There's a spare seat.

Put that on the roof.

♪ My heart had a hunger
for feelings of every kind

♪ Down through the years...

Righty tighty, lefty loosey,
the wrong way.

♪ But I hadn't the time

Eesh! f*ck.

Come on, look on the bright side.

There's no bright side
to a chip van full of dead rats.

They could be live ones.

That's your job, by the way.

See ya.

What's our job?

♪ You don't miss the water
till the well runs dry

There was a dead fox in the freezer!

Rev it. I am revving it.

Are you using the pedal
on the right-hand side? He is.

Your other right!

Why didn't you say
that in the first place?

You beauty!

You need to use a little bit
of elbow grease for that bit.

Where do I get that from?

Is that fun?

♪ The things that
I left way behind...

I think it looks brilliant.
I can see myself everywhere.

Fair play, lads.

♪ ..The water
till the well runs dry

♪ And you've nothing left to show. ♪

I have work tomorrow, so the two of you
can spend the day cleaning the outside.

See ya.

Division of labour.

Can you just do it? I'm not
f*cking doing it. You can do it.

How long have we been doing
this for? About , minutes.

That's never coming off.

I have a better idea.

What the f*ck?

We wanted to do something
that was eye-catching.

Pink is in.
We looked it up on the internet.

No-one's going to take us seriously
in a poxy pink chip van. The state of it!

Stand out and get us noticed.

Healy's going to laugh his arse off
when he sees this.

Who cares what he thinks?

Not me. Exactly. What's the problem?

All right, mam? You sure you don't
want your name up there as well?

No, thanks. It's not a problem.

We can probably fit it in
between Jock's and fish.

No, honestly, it's all right.

Lads, this isn't going to pass
first time, you know that?

We just send it in for a test
and see what happens, all right?

I've got a pretty good feeling
we might pass first time.

I've got the same good feeling.

These guys are picky f*ckers. It's
going to take two or three goes.

And I bet my life on that.

Here you go. Clean bill of health.

You might want to keep
an eye on the back tyres.

The treads are starting
to get worn. Thank you.

What did I tell you?
I knew we'd pass first time.

Those were her exact words, yeah.

It turns out, to run a business, you
need to know stuff about business.

In business, your net profit is
the money you make minus your costs.

If someone was in, let's just say,
the bicycle business,

and they could get bikes
at a very low cost. How low?

Very low, total bargain,
practically free.

Like, what you sell the bikes
for minus what you paid for them,

that's called your profit.

So... The less you pay for
something, the more profit you get?

Exactly! There you go.

You're not as stupid as you look,
you know that?

So let's just try and get the
potatoes and fish for free, then.

Well, no, cos that's stealing.

Yeah, we can't do that.
Oh, we can't do that, no.

I didn't know you could cook fish.

I've been a fishmonger my entire
life, you pleb.

Then how come you never made
fish for me at home?

Cos you only ate chicken and bread.

All right. Continue. OK.

Next, I need you to wear these.

Wait, is this really necessary,
like?

I can't remember the last time
I ate chips without hair on them.

Well, we're going to raise the bar,
then, aren't we?

All right. Health and Safety
is really important.

Are ye listening?

Yeah.

And no touching yourselves at work.

What's that supposed to mean?

The number one rule of running
a chip van, right, is no smoking.

Fags and fat equals fire.

Fags and fat equals fire, yeah?

Repeat that now.

Fags and fat equals fire.
Fags and fat equals fire.

Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire. Say what?

Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire.

Fags and fat equals fire, fire,
fire, fire. HE BANGS SURFACE

Fags and fat equals fire, fire, fire,
fire. Yeah, you've got it now. It's cool.

Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire.

And fags, and fags and fags and fags
and fags and fags and fags

and fags and fags and fags and...

Fire, fire, fire, fire.

Fags and fat equals fire, fire...

I'll give you a f*cking clout
now if you don't stop.

Battle stations.

All right, lads? Can I get one
fish and chips, please?

Just one of you do it.
Just one of you.

Jesus Christ, ask her
for money, will you?

Er, seven euros, please, madam.

I only have ten.

Here.

It's seven, I'm afraid.

Hang on a sec, hang on a sec.

Three for you.

OK. Enjoy the fish now, yeah?

This is unreal!

Unreal.

Really?

Luscious. Unreal/luscious.

Told you. Unreal/luscious.

That's us. Nice one.
Unreal/luscious. Try five.

You going to give us a hand,
or what?

I've got sh*t on the bottom
of my shoe.

Do you want me dragging it
into the chip van?

Didn't think so.

I thought I told you to stop
coming round unannounced.

You used to like when I called
round unannounced.

Yeah, well, that was before
I realised

you're a f*cking weirdo stalker.

I am not a weirdo stalker.

All right? I'm just here to collect
the rest of my things.

Fine.

Wait, is this yours?

Yeah.

You haven't been putting
it in your mouth, have you?

No.

Putting other people's toothbrush
in your mouth is very unhygienic.

Watch, he's going camping.

Do you know I...

When I broke up with Linda,

she left me with a fair
taste of sh*t in my mouth.

Did you notice that, Mam,

when you broke up with Healy?

Yeah, I had an awful
taste of sh*t in my mouth.

Slainte.

Nothing, I just have something
stuck between my teeth.

Mairead, I think that taste
in your mouth you're referring to

is bitterness.

And once you get past it,

you'll realise that what's
best for those two boys is us.

Together.

Stability.

Is that right?

Yeah, well, they just had their
first day working in the chip van

and I have to say, I was impressed.

Oh, yeah?

What was your turnover?

I turned over, like, one fish,

Jock turned over two.

Two fish?

Yeah, well, our turnover is going
to be something else

at the Cork City match tomorrow.

Ooh, you sure they're
ready for that now?

Thousands of hungry fans.

Could be made or break
for Conor'n'Jock's Fish'n'Chips.

They're ready.

All right. Well, I'm
working on the match, too, so...

...I'll see you there.

Can't wait.

Would you like a mint?

Mam, are you sure
we're ready for that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The key to being successful at
football matches with your chip van

is get there early and b*at the
other idiots to the best spot.

We're f*cking minutes late.

Like, what were you doing in the
shower for that long?

Same thing everyone does in the
shower for that long -

having a wank.

Oh, you two should start wearing
flip-flops next time, by the way.

Come on. Chop chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop...

Ladies and gentlemen, please
take your seats for the second half.

OK, so, look,
we missed the half-time rush, right?

But with any luck,
Cork City are going to lose

and hopefully the supporters are
going to want to drown their sorrows

in fish and chips.
So huddle up, huddle up.

All right.

Now, I know we all
have our weaknesses.

Jock isn't good up front,
Conor's not great with the hygiene,

but if we play to our strengths

and don't let them on the other
side of the counter rattle us,

I think we can get a really good
result out there today.

Yes, gaffer. All right.

Mam.

Oh, Christ. Well, they're
fish and chips...

Give us a bag of chips
and two sausages.

We don't serve f*cking sausages.

Conor, you can't swear
at the f*cking customers.

You just f*cking swore at me.

We can f*cking swear at each other,
but not at the f*cking customers.

All right, sorry!
Sorry, what will it be?

A bag of chips and two
f*cking sausages.

We don't serve f*cking sausages.

What the f*ck, Conor?

Fine. A f*cking fish, so.
And drown the bastard in salt.

Right. Say when.

When.

Yeah, Con, what's your
mum doing here?

Oh, she's a... My business partner.

Could you just stop standing
round like a spare pair of pricks

and actually do some work, like?

Yeah, should have got
a silent partner, love.

Ha-ha, funny.

Four pieces of cod.
Come on, will you?

Sorry, Mam. Sorry!

You haven't set it up properly.

Get me a f*cking...!

Quickly, will you? For f*ck's sake,
what are you doing?

We're f*cking trying,
aren't we? Look!

Give me a f*cking tenner. Did you
change the gas cylinder?

I'm f*cking sorry!
I'm trying my best!

Checking to see how you
guys are getting on.

Sorry, Sergeant, no special
treatment for the Garda.

You have to queue up
like everybody else.

I think something's wrong
with these here. Why?

They're soggy.

The oil isn't hot enough.

What do you mean?

How did you do that?

Is that a fake hand?

It's gone cold. Did you change
the gas cylinder?

Er...

I asked you to do one f*cking thing.

One thing?

More like f*cking things.

Well, how were we supposed to
decipher what order

to do all your f*cking
orders in, like?

Well, then, what are you waiting
for? Just change the gas cylinder!

I'll change it!

Jesus.

Sorry, folks. Just bear with us
for, like, minutes

and then we'll reheat the oil, yeah?

minutes?

f*ck that.

Aw!

f*ck.

It's ready.

Oh, great.

Why don't we just serve all
the no-people in the queue.

Turn off the gas, will you?

Four words, Mairead.

I told you...

Well, you know the last one.

So.

Pick that up.

The boys weren't ready for it.

I think, personally, we should have

a PTA meeting about our business.
Yeah, I agree.

A parent-teacher meeting?

No, it's a
partnership meeting, like.

Partnership?

You made me look
like a dickhead all day.

I could have done everything
out there myself.

All right, Miss High-Almighty,

here, this chip van wouldn't even
be on the roll if it wasn't for us.

Oh, really? How come?

How do you think we passed the DOE?

How?

The same way that we get our free
satellite television.

You bribed a government official?

Yes.
We did. Oh, my God.

And, do you know, Mairead? A little
bit of gratitude wouldn't go astray.

Yeah. Gratitude?!

Yes. Gra-ti-tude.

So, in your own time,
we'd like a thank you.

Oh, God! f*ck! For f*ck's sake.

f*ck! f*ck's sake!

Did you not put f*cking oil
in the engine? That was my fault?

You failed the NCT and got a fake
document... Oh, Jesus Christ! We did this...!

You were supposed to... Oh, yeah,
it's our fault! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who the f*ck is this?

If you're not going anywhere,
any chance of a fish supper?

f*ck off!

f*ck off.

No.

Yeah, I can fix it.

But between parts and labour,
it's going to cost , euros.

And even after that,

I can't guarantee it's going
to pass the DOE.

It'll pass the DOE. Shut up, Jock.

How much will you give me
if I scrap it?

What? You can't sell it -

we're partners. We need to make
this decision together.

The partnership is over.

I paid for this heap of sh*t

and I want to see what
I can get back for it.

How much will you give me?

Yeah, well, most of it is useless,

but I'll give you euros
for the engine.

Perfect. We don't need an engine.

And now, I've heard it all.

We don't need an engine?

It's a f*cking chip van, like.

How are we supposed to get
to our customers?

We have a plan.

Is it as stupid as it was to buy
the chip van in the first place?

We'll pretend
we didn't hear that one.

That prick, Tony, was right.

I am unstable.

And now, because of me,
you're both unstable.

You've no direction and you're just
latching onto every idiotic idea

that comes into your unstable heads.

We're all un-f*cking-stable.

And I'm the lighthouse, yeah?
Just like you said.

In a sea of instability.

Because my light's gone out.

Your mum having a stroke?

You two f*cking idiots are just
crashing into these rocks,

these giant rocks, and you're
sinking and you're drowning.

Er, will you give us a minute?

We are...

Your light's not gone out, Mam.

It's shining strong and bright.

Since we're all speaking in
metaphors, here's another one.

We were watching this science
thing on YouTube the other day

and it said if you put a monkey in
front of a typewriter...

No, no, it needs to be
an immortal monkey.

Ah, yeah. It said if you put an
immortal...an immortal monkey

in front of a typewriter...

An immortal monkey? Like, where
are you going with this?

No, you... Just listen to this,
actually. This is a good one.

You tell the immortal
monkey to write

the complete works of Shakespeare.
He will.

I don't... I don't get it.

Oh, wait, no. No, no, no,
you got it wrong.

Right.

You have to ask the immortal monkey
to write for eternity, OK?

Yeah. And then after a while -

probably a long while... Yeah.

...by pure perseverance, he will
eventually get it done. Exactly.

He'll do it. Because he's immortal.

He's some sort of, like,
god-monkey and if you keep

at something for long enough,
you never quit, never... Never.

...ever quit, then you will
eventually achieve

the thing that you wanted to do.

And that's what we are.

We're the immortal monkeys
that never give up.

And we learned from the biggest
monkey of all of them.

Our mamma monkey.

Our mamma monkey.

We never quit.

Aren't I?

OK, well, like, we don't
have , euro to fix it.

We do have a plan.

It's a bit unconvenient, but...

He means inconventional.

Unconventional.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Praise You
by Fatboy Slim

Not many things can bring a
community together, but it turns out

Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's
Fish'n'Chips

happens to be one that can.

Roll up, roll up!

Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's
Fish'n'Chips

is back in business!

Quality fish and chips
made by Cork's finest fryer!

Right, what do you want?

One kids portion of fish and chips.
Crispy as f*ck, please!

Order up!

Do you want vinegar?

There you are, sir.

Some chips and two fish and chips.

Fish and chips.

Order up!

I love the crinkly ones.

Yeah, I know.

You're some sexy, greasy bastard.

That's my fella! Yeah, I think
you left your tongue in his mouth.

We're going to move them
wankers out.

Do me a favour here, lads.

Let this one go.

All right. Cheers, man!

She's only just come in.

She was on facey. Mmm.

Right, that was the last customer.

And we made quid today.

Do you know what?

No matter what happens, I think you
monkeys are going to be all right.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Oh, Jesus, there's a fire!
Someone call the Fire Brigade!

f*ck! sh*t!

I think I may have left
my cigarette in the ashtray.

Where was the ashtray, Mairead?

Next to the fryer.

And what was your...

What was your number one rule
for running a chip van, now, Mam?

No smoking.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
What was that?

No smoking!

No smoking.

Because fat plus fags equals...

Fire.

Fire.

Burn on.

All right, well, I always fancied
getting a Chinese thing.

Bah! Bah? All right.