02x05 - Series 2, Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

How's it going?
My name's Finn.

All right, Finn,
my name's Gil.

What's the story, Gil?

Here, boy - do you want to have sex?
Oh, yeah, I'd love to!

Oh, sh*t, we don't have a condom.

Do you...do you want to go
bareback? No way, boy -

we don't want to risk having
thousands of illegitimate kids.

f*ck you.

Rargh! Ergh...ergh...

Just stop!

I didn't get you this job so you
can stand around making fish p*rn!

Would you ever just do some work?

Now, come here, boy, I've been here
now minutes.

All right, what did you want again?

Just chill out, now. Relax,
all right? Come on, boys!

What the f*ck you wearing
a balaclava for, Billy?

I'm incognito.

Come with me!

I need your help.

f*ck that.

Hey - no, Billy, we're...
we're too busy.

There's f*cking no-one here!

Come on - I've got fags.

Jock keeps going on about how
Billy thinks we're his friends

but I'm not sure where Billy
got this idea from.

Maybe I looked like I was
enjoying myself too much

the last times he mugged me.

I mean, why would I want
to help him do

whatever it is he wants us
to f*cking help him do?

I need you to k*ll me.

You know if we do that, you...
you can't come back?

Well, not ACTUALLY f*cking k*ll me.

I need to fake my own death.

Turns out Billy Murphy,
while in prison,

was best friends with this nutjob,
Dinny Molloy.

That's where Billy
got his laugh from.

You can take the eye
out of a man's head -

you can take one eye,
or you can take two.

But if you take a testicle,

you must take both of them,
no choice.

All right, Dinny. Ah - hi, Billy.
How are you keeping?

Gotcha!

Whatcha do that for?
For the laugh.

Sure Dinny'll get the joke,
he's got a great sense of humour!

I'll k*ll you, Billy Murphy!

I'll f*cking k*ll you
if it's the last thing I ever do!

You're f*cking dead!

Jesus, lads, I never thought
he'd be getting out,

but Dinny the Teaspoon got
out of prison this morning.

Dinny the Teaspoon?

What?

Well...who else were you in prison
with, boy, Larry the Spatula?

Tommy the Potato Masher?

Stephen the Whisk?

Tommy the Toaster.

Shut up!
Frank the Fork.

He uses a teaspoon to scoop out
the eyes of his victims

and then he eats them.

Wh-why does he eat the eye?

f*ck knows. Says something about
help him see into the future.

It's like when you eat carrots.

No, that's...that's the dark.
Hmm?

Anyway, I only have to fake my death
for hours.

Actually, make that
hours, minutes -

he got out this morning.

Why only hours?

Dinny has only managed to stay
out of prison for hours in total.

So, will you help me?

Can you give us a second?

Sure, yeah.

Why would we help
that f*cking loon?

Well, because, if we don't help him,
Dinny's going to k*ll him.

Would it... Would it be...

Would it be terrible if...

If what?
If Dinny did...k*ll him.

W-w-wait - are you honestly saying
what I think you're saying?

Depends, what do you think
I'm saying?

He's practically like a friend
of ours.

He's no friend of mine.

All he does is b*at me up,
steal my phone.

He f*cking held us hostage on a bus,
boy, do you not remember that?

Aye, I can remember,
that was a special day.

And he ate half my chicken burger
last week. Oh, he did what?

He ate... I know, right?

He ate half my chicken burger.
Half your chicken burger?

He ate half your chicken burger
so we're going to have him m*rder*d?

Will you listen to yourself?

Look...just think about it
like this, all right?

If we help fake his death,

you can live out a fantasy
of k*lling Billy Murphy.

You better know what you're doing.

Shut the f*ck up and just do what
we tell you

or we're going home and you can
take care of Dinny the Teabag.

Dinny the Teaspoon!
Whatever.

Right, it's recording.

Oh. Oh, hello, boys.

I didn't see you there.

I'm just out having a look
at the beautiful countryside.

Watch you don't fall, Billy.

Oh, I won't. I'll be VERY careful.

Ohh!

Billy! Are you OK?

Oh, no, I think he's dead.

Oh, God!

I have never seen a dead body
before - it has made me sick!

Did you get it? Yeah.

Oh, hello, boys! All we've got to do
now is share this video around town,

and then... Yeah - everybody
better think I'm dead, right?!

Or you're f*ckin' dead.

That's exactly what we're doing -
why are you threatening us?

I don't know, it's a force of habit.

He-he-he!

Billy.

Wh...what about your loved ones?

Will they not all be upset
if they think you're dead? What?

Well, you know, like, the people
that care about you...

Care about ME?

Oh, that's a good one!
That's a good one!

You're f*ckin' funny!

Good luck!

Here, lads, do you want to see
a snuff video of Billy Murphy?

Is it the one there
where the dog's riding him?

No... Nah, that's a different one.

Here y'are.

Oh! Billy! Billy!

Is he supposed to be dead?

He don't look dead.

Yes, he does,
he just fell off a bridge.

Where's the body?

Off the bridge.

The body's off... Look just
take our word for it, all right?

He's dead.
Now, go on, tell all your friends.

I don't believe ya -
we need more f*ckin' proof.

More proof. All right. All right.

Come on, then. All right.

It's the thing
about kids these days.

They watch so much
sh*t on the internet,

they're almost
completely desensitised.

Yeah, too much screen time.

Right - we've to go in for overkill.

How are you getting on?

Just a bag of blood
and a sheep's brain, please.

What's that for?

What...the...f*ck?!!

All right, boy, open wide.

f*ck off!

Come on! We need to make it look

like you banged your head and
your brains came out your mouth.

They're not real brains, are they?

Er...ye...

No. No, it's, er...

It's, er, cauliflower and...

...jam. Yeah.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Ah...

Ah...

It doesn't taste like jam.

Three, two, one...and action.

Oh, my God, what's that coming
out of his mouth? That's his brains.

Ugh! f*ckin' hell!

Why you showing us that?
That's mank.

He fell off the bridge. Banged
his head. Brain come out his mouth.

Now, I'm convinced.

Won't even wake up.

People only ever really think about

how much they'll miss
someone after they're dead.

That's why Jesus faked his
death and came back again.

And it turns out, there were plenty

of people who were going
to miss Billy Murphy.

It's terrible news. He fell off
the bridge and banged his head,

and his brains came
out of his mouth.

I'm looking for Billy Murphy.
Have you seen him?

He's dead, boy.

Dead? Yeah. He fell off a bridge and

banged his head and
his brains come out of his mouth.

Haven't you seen the video?

Video? Here, look.

What's that coming out of his mouth?
That's his brains.

Looks like it's edited.

Who said Ed did it?

Not "Ed did it".

Edited.

Who are those two?

RIP.

Now that Billy was fake dead, me and

Jock could get back to
doing what we love doing most -

f*ck all.

Without any
interruptions whatsoever.

Hiss! ..Any sauce,

but we can make some...

Oh, gee...

What? Did you show the video round?

Yeah. Everyone thinks
it's the real deal.

Well, how come I haven't
heard anything about it?

Cos you're in f*ckin' hiding, Billy.

I'm tired of telling you,
Billy Murphy -

you either buy something,
or you get out.

I've run out of places to hide -
can I stay in your place?

No. Please, I don't want to die!

Please?

Mam's got a stalker recently,

and the Guards have
been f*ck all help to her.

For obvious reasons.

Oh, get a life, stalker.

When Mam asks you why you need to

stay over, what
are you going to say?

There's a leak in my flat,
and the whole place is flooded.

Again? There's a leak in my flat
and the whole place is flooded.

One more time?
I know it, OK? Will you relax?

Jesus!

There's a leak in my flat
and the whole place is flooded.

Got it - you got it.

Hey, Mam, is it all right if Billy
stays on the sofa for a few nights?

Er...problem with his flat.
What kind of problem?

A murdering psychopath's
trying to k*ll me

and Conor and Jock
are helping me to fake my own death.

Oh, and there's a leak in my flat
and the whole place is flooded.

Look how dead he is.

Un-f*ckin'-believable.

Is that supposed to be his brains
coming out of his mouth?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dinny only ever manage to stay
out of prison for hours,

and for of those hours,
he was in a coma.

But what if this
murdering psychopath

comes here looking for you?

Relax, Mam, it's
all going to be fine.

Everyone thinks he's dead.

I'm sure we've
thought of everything.

Is it him?

No. Not unless he's three foot tall.

Oh, yeah, sorry, Conor. OK...

That weird Guard down the road
there told me to give you this.

Oh, Healy?

All right.

See you later. Good luck.

Yeah.

Why didn't he come
to the door himself?

Mam's banned him from being
closer than metres from her

because he's been stalking her.

What, you can do that?

The f*ckin' Guard's been
stalking me for years!

Er... "I tried calling, but your"

"phone," er, "mustn't be working.

"You need to bring
Conor and Jack..."

"Jack?" Jack?

Jock.

"..Conor and Jock
down to the station"

"to make a witness statement
about the death of Billy Murphy."

Great.

Thanks to you, I now have to
spend time with that dickhead.

Watch you don't fall, Billy!
I won't, I'll be very careful...

Agh! Agh!

Billy! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Are you OK? BOTH: He's dead!

Poor Billy.

So, what exactly happened?

Erm...

I thought the video was pretty
self-explanatory, but, erm...

Basically, it was quite hot outside,
so me and Conor said...

Let's go out for a stroll.
..let's go for a stroll.

We took a path...less travelled...

and we stumbled across...

...Billy. Coincidentally, Billy
was going for a stroll as well.

Yeah. And it was this
really uneven terrain.

Some...
Some would say treacherous terrain.

And, erm, Billy lost his balance,

and he fell off the bridge.

And he, er, banged his little head.

Erm, his brains come out his mouth.
Yeah.

Ha!

It's so awful.

Ah...

Aw!

Oh, come on, lads. Come on!

It's OK!

Billy would have hated
to see you like this.

You know? He would have wanted
you to remember the good times.

Yeah.

That's all very, erm, interesting.

But there's one
thing that I don't get.

Mm-hm. What would that be?

Where's the body?

Was it, like, you know,
eaten by wild dogs or something?

That...that is one
theory that's going round.

Yeah. Because when we were
there, he was definitely there,

because we saw him, and then
when we came back, he was gone.

People were saying...
there are crows...

Mm. Mm.

...and a...

What?

What are you saying?

Oh...yeah.
That...that one I heard as well.

Mairead, can I speak to you
privately for a moment, please?

Get out of it!
That couldn't have gone any better.

Feels like we're real liars.

I'm even having trouble figuring
out what's real any more.

We're pretty much home and dry.

All we have to do now is wait for

that Dinny the Spoon
fella to go back to prison. Aye.

Hey, what's taking your mam so long?

She's probably in there trying to
get Healy's tongue out of her ass.

Out of her ass?

I don't know. Will you stop saying
that weird stuff about your mam?

It's a phrase. I know, but I don't
even find it funny any more.

It's just a bit strange.
Shall we just see her at home? Yeah.

This is a whole new
level of stalkiness,

dragging me down here
so you can have a chat?

This has nothing to
do with me sta...

I'm not a f*cking stalker.

Here, hurry up. Why?

Just don't look back,
but someone's following us.

I said don't look back! "Don't
look back" always means look back!

Do you think it's Dinny?
Yeah, it might be. Just come on.

Everyone knows Dinny Molloy
got out of prison this morning.

And everyone also knows that he's

been going on about
k*lling Billy Murphy.

Well, lucky for Billy,
he's already dead,

so, he doesn't have to
worry about getting k*lled.

Whatever you do, stay as far
away from Billy Murphy as you can.

And every other man,
too, I suppose, yeah?

I think we lost him.

Hello!

Ah...

Conor and Jock - am I right?

I'm Dinny Molloy -
a friend of Billy Murphy.

Would you fellas like a...
couple of milkshakes and a chat?

I... Ah, yeah, sure.

f*ckin' run, Conor!

Ugh!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Why would you go that way?

Just don't f*ck with...

Agh!

I'm too scared.

Ah!

Haven't had a milkshake in years.

Agh... Oh.

Did Billy tell you
about the teaspoon thing?

Honestly! You scoop out one
fella's eyeball with a teaspoon,

next thing you know, that's
all anyone's talking about.

I hate it. What?

The cherry? That name.

What, Dinny the Tea...? Don't...

Don't...don't...don't say it.

If I'd known I was going to be

called Dinny the Teaspoon
for the rest of me days,

I would have chosen a different
kitchen utensil, you know?

Dinny the Meat Cleaver - much better

f*ckin' ring to it altogether,
what do you think?

Ah, it's not that bad, you
know - Dinny the Teasp... No...

Don't say it.

Er, it's just, you just
called yourself that, though.

No, I didn't. You... You did.

You definitely did.

Can't believe Billy fell off of

a bridge and banged his head and
his brains fell out of his mouth.

Yeah, it's... It's awful.

And...and true.

You know...

...in many ways, Billy was
like a baby brother to me.

I took him under my wing
when he first got locked up.

I didn't want to
like him at first, but...

...he won me over with
all his silly pranks.

One time when I was
asleep, he drew a...

...a penis on my face,

and so I'm walking round the
prison, everyone's laughing.

I'm thinking,
why is everybody laughing?

Next thing, I catch sight
of myself in the mirror.

Furious, I was!

You know?

So, I stormed back to the cell,

ready to rip the f*ckin'
head off Billy!

And there he is, stood there,

all bashful.

"I'm sorry, Dinny," he says.
"I thought it would cheer you up."

"I know you've been
feeling down lately."

Oh.

Yeah.

Sure, even when he
pushed me down the stairs,

I was furious at first,
of course I was.

Next day, when I woke up in the

hospital with me
two broken legs, well...

...I started to see the
funny side of it, you know?

Did you?

Ah-ha-ha-ha...!

You wouldn't be lying to me,
would you?

Nnn-ooo. Nn-ooo.

No. No. No?

No. No. No.

He's definitely dead.

You know, in many ways,

life dealt him a hard hand.

Yeah.

I just wanted to tell him th...

...there was no hard feelings.

That's...

God, I'm sorry, lads, I'm s...

It's hard to believe I'm actually
starting to miss Billy Murphy.

And he's only been
not dead for one day.

The box smells nice.

Have some great news for you, Billy.

Ah. Ah?

We met Dinny.

What? Yeah. Doesn't want
to k*ll you at all, boy.

All he wanted to do was tell you
that there was no hard feelings.

He was saying you were like his
little brother or something

in prison. Yeah, that's right.

He was actually a nice enough
fella, wasn't he, Conor?

Yeah. He got us milkshakes.

Milkshakes? Milkshakes, yeah.

f*cking milkshakes. Yeah.

The last fella he bought
a f*cking milkshake for

has now got only one eye.

Why?

Was he in an accident or something?

An accident? Think about it!

"Do you need-a teaspoon?"
Argh! Eurgh!

Oh, my God, what the hell
were the two of you thinking?

No, no, no, but he was crying over
Billy's death and everything. Yeah.

Crying? Sure, he's like
f*cking Meryl Streep that way.

He can turn on the tears like that.

He only let ye go
so he could follow ye to our door.

Well, it's not your door, Billy,
all right? It's our door.

My door. And we didn't ask
to be part of this anyway.

You're the one who
dragged us into it.

Ye did this on purpose. What?

Ye did this so he'd k*ll me.

I thought we were friends.
We helped fake your own death.

Yeah, we're hiding you in our
house. My house.

We rescued you from
a f*cking psychopath.

Oh, what, and none of that
seems friendly to you? Yeah.

And what have you ever done
for us, eh?

Borrow our phones forever?

No, f*cking nothing.

sh*t.

Is it Dinny?

I don't know.
What you mean, you don't know?

I don't know what Dinny
looks like, do I?

Then what does the person
who's there look like?

Sort of like a psycho,
ex-convict type.

That's him.

Er...

Who is it?

It's Dinny Molloy.
Billy's friend from the diner.

I've got something
important to give you.

Oh, really? What is it?

It's a memento.

I wanted to give it to Billy, but...

...I think you should have it.

Er... OK, you can just slip it
through the letterbox, thanks.

I'm afraid it's a bit fragile.

Perhaps if you put your hand
through the letterbox,

I could give it to you.

No, he might go away.

Conor, don't! Calm down, Mam,
I know what I'm doing.

OK, give me the memento.

Argh! Argh!

Oh, God, no, please!
He's got my fingers!

Of course he's got
your f*cking fingers.

Open the door
or I'll sever your fingers.

Let go of his fingers first
and then we'll open the door.

That doesn't work for me.

What if I sever one finger and then
you open the door a little bit?

Yeah, no, that doesn't work for me.

Can you do, like, no severing?
Just open the f*cking door!

Please, OK, OK, all right,
all right!

Hello.

Where's Billy?

He's not in the kitchen.

Definitely not in the kitchen.

He must be upstairs, then.

Where is he?

The f*ck is he? Outside.

Billy? Billy?
Where the f*ck has he gone?

Oh...

Let me know when he's gone.

He is going to rip this house apart
until he finds you.

Get out of the cupboard and run.

No, no, no, no.

He wasn't upstairs.
Would you believe it?

After all that.

Where the f*ck is he?

f*ck you, Billy!

I'll f*cking k*ll you!

You're f*cked. Get out of the way!

Oh! Billy!

You checked that one already.

Did I?

Are you going to open every cupboard
three times or what?

Where the f*ck is he?

Th... That was me.

It was all of us. Yeah.

You all sneezed at the same time?

Achoo!

Aye, it's dust mites.

Can you not smell them?

Where's Billy?

We already told you, he's dead.

Dead? Dead.

We... We showed you the video.

So what more do you want us to say?

We can't... We can't do any...
We showed you the video, like.

I'm not convinced by the video.

What you mean,
you're not convinced by the video?

Aye, the video was f*cking great.

Billy! Oh, my God!

Yeah, there, see, look. Yeah?

Your reaction's not realistic.

No, no, no, we were just taken
aback by the situation.

Aye, like,
when you see a man get k*lled,

it really takes it out of a fella.

Makes you think all weird
and speak unreal...istically.

Yeah, very unrealistic.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you're
just hoping for Billy to be alive

because you miss him.

I mean, you spent a lot of time
with him in prison, like.

Yeah, I miss him too.

A lot.

I... I miss his laugh.

Ah, Billy...

Oh...

Billy... Do you know, eh...
Do you know

when Billy used to, like,
hit me loads?

I always thought it was done with
a certain degree of consideration.

You know? Which is nice.

Look...

...when all is said and done,
I miss Billy too.

He made an eejit out of me.

I know that.

But you know what?

Maybe I am an eejit.

No. No, no.

Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

I read that somewhere.

Only I could never get it
into my stupid head.

And maybe that's why I keep going
back to prison over and over again -

because I could never learn
to forgive and forget.

Yeah.

You could be onto something,
Mr Molloy.

Ah...

If only Billy was here
to accept my forgiveness.

Maybe he's watching us from above.

Or even below.

As in hell.

Because, let's face it,
if there is a hell,

Billy's probably having a great time
mugging people on the way in.

And maybe playing his
practical jokes on everyone.

Yeah.

I'd best be off now, I suppose.

I'm sorry...

...about the mess.

Can I help you clean it up?
No, no, no.

No, don't want to keep you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

See you later, Dinny the Teaspoon.

f*ck it...

I beg your pardon? I said...

I said, see you later,
Dinny the Teaspoon. That's all.

I'm sorry,
I didn't quite catch that.

Erm... I am just said I'll...

I'll see you later,
Dinny the Teaspoon.

Open your eyes.

Open your f*cking eyes. No!
Don't look at him!

Look at me. No!
Look at me. Not the teaspoon!

f*cking look at me.

Don't hurt my friend!

Billy, you f*cking bas...

Do you know the thing about you?
What's that?

You can't take a joke.

So poor old Dinny the Nutjob
Psycho Teaspoon still didn't manage

to stay out of prison for longer
than hours.

Better luck next time, Dinny.

And having a weirdo stalker hanging
around outside your house

can sometimes be useful.

You need to call me
when you're in danger.

Do you have my number?

What do I want that for?

Can I not just call ?

I forgive you.

I think sometimes you don't get to
choose your friends.

They choose you.

And the ones that do choose you

are usually the ones
that need you the most.

Even if they do end up

eating all the spare chicken burgers
in the house.

We really only get one burger each?

I'm f*cking starving after
nearly being k*lled.

Like, that's all that's there.

If you want more,
go down to the shop,

buy it and you can cook it yourself.

Here, you can have a bit of mine
if you like.

Are you sure? Yeah, work away.

Thanks.

Oh, jeez...

f*cking hell.
You put your plaster in my burger!

Eurgh...

Did you do that on purpose?

Gotcha!