03x01 - Series 3, Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

CONOR: Ever since Star
has been born,

Jock has been noticing
a distinct lack of trust.

Are you f*cking going to let me
hold her by myself?

Not since the drop incident.
It was a near drop incident.

Yeah. Burp her. I am burping her.

That's not how you burp her.
It's hard to burp her right

when you're all watching me.

There. See?

Oh!

Ah! Ah! Ah, Janey!

Oh!

Never again.

Would you relax!

I dropped Conor loads when he was
small. And sure, look, he's grand.

If you could sell this stuff,
you'd make a fortune.

I need to go to the toilet, Orla.
Can you take over?

Mama's here.

All right.
It's just until she can walk.

Twist your arm.
I'll twist your arm all right.

You! Get into the van.

Look, I had this dream
about how to make a load of money,

and you two were in it.
So get in before I make ye get in.

I really... Come on!
f*ck.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

This plan came to me in a dream.

It was like someone whispered it
in my ear.

And whoever it was also whispered,

"Get Conor and Jock to help."

Aren't you going to ask me
what the plan is?

Erm...

What is your plan, Billy?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that,
Jock.

And I have for you three words.

f*ck ing heist.

A heist? Like in the films,
with f*cking banks and casinos

and sh*t? Yeah. But there's going
to be no casinos, no banks.

There's just going to be
a shitload of TVs.

You have our attention. Continue.
Aye, yeah.

This is the plan.

What, make two bricks
f*ck each other?

No! D'ye see that store there?

Well, I've been watching it
for weeks.

Oh, and d'ye see that truck driver
up there?

His name is Paul.

This Tuesday,
at approximately pm,

Paul will be dropping off a
shitload of TVs to that very store.

He's going to go behind there,
he's going to open up his door

and unload a load of televisions.

But this Tuesday, he's going to get
a phone call from his girlfriend.

So he'll be distracted
away from the TVs. All right.

Then, I'm going to reverse this van
up to the back of his truck.

The bricks are the vans!
And I'm going to unload

those very expensive televisions
into the back of our van

without being seen,

and then I'm going to drive off
down the road.

Yeah, I know,
it's not a great idea. No, no!

Billy, I... I think for once,
you might have actually

come up with something
that's going to work. Serious?

Well like, the way
I was thinking it,

I'm more of a disorganised criminal,

and ye, ye're more of, like,
organised criminals. Yeah.

So I was thinking, you know,

ye could be the brains
of the operation.

Well, if you're looking
for the brains of the operation,

then you came to the right place,
like.

All right, let's do it, boy! Yes!

Jock, you're in luck. You're going
to get to look after Star

for the whole day. Really?! Mm-hm.

Well, is your...
is your da OK with that?

I'm super OK with that.

Why is he in a good mood?
Did you get sent that video

of the principal that's going
around? The one where he's caught

w*nk*ng in the woodwork room?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but I deleted that.

I..I only watched it a few times
and it was funny and then...

..then I just realised
I was watching an old fella

having a wank.

Well, your man was due to get
a Best Principal award.

Barry was the only other principal available
at such short notice to travel to Dublin.

So they've given him
the award instead.

And me and the girls are going
to tie in a shopping trip.

It would be nice if you came along
and showed some support.

Just saying.
Larry, it's a four-hour ceremony.

f*ck that!

We got this, OK?
You just enjoy the ceremony.

We got Star covered for the day.

We'll pencil you in for, eh,
Wednesday? No, tomorrow.

The ceremony's tomorrow. Tomorrow?
Right.

Eh... Yeah, no, tomorrow,
you have to... No.

Eh, myself and Jock have,
eh, a prior engagement.

What's more important
than looking after Star?

Tomorrow? Yeah, no,
we can do tomorrow.

Aye. We can do it, yeah, don't
worry. Let's do it. I promise you.

You f*ck this up and I'll never trust
the pair of you with her ever again.

Have you got it? Yeah.

Yeah? Right.

Tomorrow. I can't wait.

Doing a heist with a baby is pretty
much like walking on the moon.

Not many people in the world
can say they've done it.

Look at that baby, huh? My baby.
That's Con's baby.

Everything you need is in this bag.

Oh, no love, I'm not to be there.
I'm going to work. What?!

Shite! Don't look! It's fine.

That's just a doll.
Don't worry about that.

OK! Well, call me if anything
really bad happens. Bye, luvvie!

Eh, don't worry. Nothing
really bad's going to happen.

Eh, it'll be fine.

I know.

Are you going to miss me? Eh...

My knob is, like, red raw,
so, eh,

I could do with a break.

I figured that was
a reasonable request,

because me d*ck has been doing
split shifts ever since

meself and Linda broke
each other's virginity.

Ah, it's only hours. I don't
even care, I'm not going to miss you

when I'm gone anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? Only a day. Yeah.

Have a good time, yeah? Come on.

It's lovely. Bye! Bye-bye.

Say bye to Mammy, look. Bye-bye.

Say, "S'later". S'later.

All right, Mam's gone, now we're
going to have some fun, aren't we?

See you at stage one.
What's stage one again?

Just pick us up and bring us
to town, all right?

What the f*ck is that?
It's a baby.

I know it's a f*cking baby.
What's it doing here?

Her mam is in Dublin for the day,
so she's coming with us.

No f*cking way! It's not a proper
heist if one of the g*ng members

has a baby!
We're bringing her as cover.

No-one's going to suspect
three dads in a heist.

Right? Oh, that's good, that's good!

Brains, boy, brains!

This thing is like a f*cking Rubik's
Cube! Siobhan said there's a button.

Then it just folds up. There's loads
of f*cking buttons! Here, give me a go!

Clip, clip, lift!
Clip, clip...

Here. I have it. I have it.

Why... Billy!

Jesus, you're going to break
the pram! Billy! Billy!

f*cking thing!

You just broke the f*cking thing.

Well, you can take it
out of my share, OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't
put her into the front of the van.

Do you want to be drawing
attention to us, or what?

What do you suggest, then?
Strap her onto the roof.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.

You do realise it's saying things
like that that make people think

you're f*cking mental?
I was joking.

The way Jock sees it, the best way
to get good at something,

like minding a baby, is do it alongside
the most difficult thing you can think of.

There. She's safer now
than in any car. Right.

We're good here! Hit the road!

And what's more difficult
than a heist?

Are ye all right? Slow the f*ck down!
It's not the getaway. It's the get-to!

f*cking A!

Oh, boy, I'm staring to question
if bringing a baby on a heist

is a good idea
or a f*cking stupid idea.

Will you just relax, will you? Look,
that's the worst of it over now.

We'll have the job done in an hour
and then we'll have her back

watching Peppa Pig on
a state-of-the-art inch

plasma screen TV, won't we?

Billy, you've got to go and make
sure the coast is clear, right?

Oh, Daddy's going to bring
all your stuff as well,

so if we get in any trouble,
we can...

Here.

OK. Are you ready?
Let's steal some TVs!

Let's steal some TVs!
Don't tell anyone now.

Don't be a snitch.
OK, don't tell Mammy.

Jesus! f*ck!
Billy, he's f*cking over there.

These binoculars are really good. You're in
the middle of the footpath. Somebody walking...

Listen to me for a second, OK?
Listen to me for a second.

If somebody's coming down this hill you're going to
force them out into the road and get them k*lled.

Oh, our cover's blown.
What are we going to do now?

Look, abort the plan, get the van,
burn it, head for the hills!

Come here, come here!
Right, look, stop panicking.

It's fine.

See, look, he's leaving already.
There's no problem.

What if he comes back? That's what's
genius about your plan, remember?

If he does, all he's going to see is
a van parked up against a truck, OK?

He's not going to know we're in the
back getting rich off TVs. Exactly.

Are you going to be able
to hold your sh*t together now?

Sure, just give me a light! No.

There's no smoking lit cigarettes
around the baby.

We won't, don't worry, we won't.
Not yet.

No. When you're older.

Come on.

Act natural. Right?
Do you want to hold it?

You can hold it for a second.
Just for a second, all right?

You can hold it for a second.
Oi, no, no, no!

The only reason Daddy steals
is so you can live a happy life.

Did one of ye stand in sh*t?

Wait...

It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Well, it's hardly me!

It wasn't her.

She just took a massive sh*t
back at the house before we left.

It smells like baby sh*t to me.
What does baby sh*t smell like?

Well, it smells like somebody who's
only ever after drank milk took a sh*t.

Give her a sniff there.
Why, why am I the sniffer?

Just give her a sniff. I'm not...
God, gee, Christ!

Yeah, no, yeah, it's her.
Oh, bollocks!

Lads, he's here.

Get him to circle round, get him
to circle round. Go around again.

Pick up that, erm, that thing from
the bag and work out how that works.

Ah!

What's that for? It's a papoose.

What's a porpoise? A papoose!

It's not a dolphin.
It's for carrying a baby.

Do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, it's like a kangaroo...

Hold on, you need to pull that up.
Ah!

Come on.

Jesus!

What's your mam feeding you, huh?

It's all wrong. You look like
f*cking Rambo or something. Look!

Mind your head there, now.
All right.

There you go. OK.

Let's get this out. Here, here!
Give us some privacy there.

Here, come here, come here!

Give us some privacy, yeah?
Watch your head there.

There you go. Erm... Right, come on.

All right, here we go now, huh?

It's too tight!
Put your arm in.

Your f*cking arm, not...
What are you doing to me, like?!

OK? All right.
Yeah. Look at the bear.

Is she yours?
Of course she's f*cking mine.

Take a look at me,
do you think anyone would trust me

with a baby that wasn't mine?
"Is she yours?"

Oh, who's a stinky boo-boo?

The baby's teething, you know,
just, eh...

That's it. Hold that.
That's... That's good enough.

That's good enough.

Nice one. Cheers. Cheers, lads.
There we go!

Oh, you're sneezing!

You're sneezing! There you go.
Bless you.

Oh, nice one, lads! Ta-da!
Look at that!

It's time...

..to call Paul.

Paul has the contact saved
as me girlfriend on his phone,

just in case anyone
checks his recent calls.

Star's hungry.
She must have an empty stomach

after all that sh1tting. I just
need to give her a quick feed.

Ah, for f*ck's sake, she's not getting
a share if she keeps slowing us down.

What do you mean, she's not
getting a share?

What's she doing here, so?

Siobhan's left a note.

"Ster...

"Steril...

"Steril-ise...

"Sterilise the bottle."

Sterilise the bottle? What does
that mean, sterilise the bottle?

Sterilise... Oh, do you remember
that kid in school that was adopted

cos his dad was sterilised?

Everything in his ball sack
was dead?

So we need to k*ll everything
inside the bottle?

How are we going to do that? You
need to pour boiling water on it.

I used to do it to everything in
prison. Just to play it safe, like.

Right. Sure, that place
sells kettles.

You call Paul, all right?
We'll be back in five.

PAUL'S MOBILE RINGS

The girlfriend. Hello, sweetheart.

HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
Oh, hello, Pauley-wauley!

How are you, my little petal?

I just wanted to talk to you.
I miss your voice.

I miss you too. It's so...
it's so nice to hear your voice too.

I'll go and check. Cheers.

Star, here's your bottle now,
right?

Look, we have a little minor delay
there at the moment.

That's no bother.
I'll... I'll drop it along.

I have... I have it for you
in the van.

It's there for you, love.
Don't worry about it.

Chow mein, your favourite.

I love you. Just keep talking.

- BABY CRIES
- I know, I know! I know!

Hey, look - what's that?
What's that? Oh, yeah.

Ah, shite!

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

You can't be doing that.
It's just hot water.

It's sterile.
Go on, sell some jars.

The most annoying thing about
that prick Sergeant Healy is,

once he's got his nose up your hole,
he never gives up.

Just ask me mam.

Come on, Mairead, please just...
just get back with me.

f*ck off!

You are nothing without me.
f*ck off!

Mairead, erm, I may have called you
last night, and, erm...

f*ck off!

Well, I meant every word I said,
you ungrateful bitch.

f*ck off!
I'm begging you, Mairead, I just...

..I love you so much. f*ck off!

At least when Healy was dating
me mam,

he wasn't sniffing around our holes.

That prick Tony was calling me
ten times a day,

and now he hasn't called me
in, like, two days.

Like, what's his f*cking buzz?

I bet you he's playing hard to get.

But, like, he's the one chasing me.

I am not chasing him.

So, it's just not going to work,
like.

I wouldn't call him if I were you,
anyway. You're wasting your time.

I won't.

PHONE RINGS

f*ck's sake.

Yeah, what do you want?

Well, nothing from you,
that's for f*cking sure.

Oh...

Bollocks!

There's only so much flirting
I can do with Paul

before he expects to ride.

What are you wearing right now?

She won't drink it.

Well, you have to give it to her
like a boob.

Like a boob?

Look, it's there.

There. Look, look.

Here, look, it's a booby.

Hang on, I've got an idea.

What are you doing with that?
Get away from me.

Oh-ho-ho, oh, geez, no.

Relax. I'm going to cut a hole
in your T-shirt.

What? We'll make it look
like a booby.

Give him the child.

Hiya. Hi, Star. Hi...

BABY GRIZZLES

That's a good baby.

Cut a hole in your top, all right?

All right, just be careful.
This is like old times, man.

Watch my eyes, will you?
What one's your booby?

No sudden movements.
I don't want to hurt you.

There you go.

What did you think I was going
to do to you?

Now, put the bottle through.

Right you are.

But you've got to put the milk
through so she can see the milk.

There you go, a teat.

It's Siobhan.

It's Siobhan, look at my boobies.

She doesn't know who Siobhan is.
It's Mam.

What did I tell you, huh?

Now, let's go rob
a shitload of TVs, huh?

OK, darling.

WHISPERS: Keep talking. Even if
I don't reply, just keep talking.

Anything you say.

Hurry up, please.

But you're going to have to stay
on the line, OK?

Billy...Murphy.

I've been speaking
to people in the area,

and they said that
you've been around here every day

for the past week with a pair
of binoculars round your neck

looking suspicious.

What are you up to?

Bird-watching.

Yeah, bird-watching.

I'm looking at the, erm,
the swallows outside.

They're... They're mating
at the moment.

WHISPERS: Jock.
Are there many swallows in here?

Jock. Come on.

What? What?

Oh, sh*t.

Star, look. Please, look.

We're just going to make you
a little bed here, all right?

Cos we can't have you being seen,
can we?

- Right, I'll put you down here.
- BABY CRIES

You'll be OK. All right, OK.

Here you go.

Erm...

Where did you even get
the binoculars, Billy?

I, erm...

..rented them.

Yeah, where did you rent them from,
then?

The f*cking binocular shop.

HE LAUGHS

I'm not always on about work.

I-I-I, you know...

I-I care for you.

Hey... Hey, Jock?
Yeah, I know, Conor, right?

Just give me a second while
I'm thinking, yeah? But you're...

Conor, we just need to come up
with a distraction.

Will you just help me think?
Jock! What?

Where's Star? She's th...

Oh, sh*t. Star!

Star!

Star, Star. Come back.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

I need to get Healy,
I'm going to get Healy.

If you get Healy, the heist is over.

No, f*ck the heist, man.
Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Billy, erm...

What are you two doing here?
I was just shopping, cos...

No, what f*cking difference
does that make?

Listen, I can't find my daughter.

I'm after putting her down
for two seconds,

she's after disappearing. OK, well,
just keep calm, all right?

She can't have gotten far.

Well, unless she's been snatched,
that is.

Er, Healy, you're not helping.

All right,
when was the last time you saw her?

About three minutes ago, tops.

Three minutes ago?!

Yeah. seconds?!

All right, well, as far as I can
see, there are only three exits,

and we're looking at roughly ,
square feet of ground to cover.

You, stay here. I'm not finished
talking with you, all right?

Split up.

That's a great distraction.
Was that her idea or yours?

HE LAUGHS

It's not a f*cking distraction.
She's lost.

Are we going to get back
to the heist?

Will you shut up about the f*cking
heist and start looking for Star?

The f*cking heist!

Stick with the story. OK.

Baby Star?

Conor, Conor...

PHONE VIBRATES

What, what?

What do I do?
Siobhan's calling, what the f*ck?

I promised I'd have my phone on me
at all times. Er...well...

If you don't answer soon,

she'll know there's
something wrong. Just...

Hiya!

How's it going?

Yeah, we're having a lovely day.
Lovely.

Out of breath? No, I've just been...

Out of breath, been playing...
Back at my house, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, you want... You want to talk
to Star? Want to say hello?

Erm... W-Well, I can't see a reason
why not, so...

How's... How's it going?

HE CRIES LIKE A BABY

Ah... What?! No, no, that is not
Conor pretending to be Star!

Excuse me now! I have to go, yeah?

I have a baby to look after,
you know, yeah?

"How's it going?"
Are you f*cking...?

She's eight months old, you f...
I mumbled it! She can't speak...

Are you f*cking drunk?!
I don't know what babies say!

I don't know what babies say!

Star?! Star?

Star? Check all the... I checked...

I know that, love.
I know. Sure, I know.

We'll make the breakfast
in the morning.

Am I insane? What?
We'll make the br...

Yeah, we'll make the breakfast in
the morning, then, and a little bit

of toast on the side, you like
your little butter then as well.

MUFFLED: Star?
Star?

For f*ck's sake!

Star? Star?!

Here. Now, look, it's fine.
We'll find her, all right?

What's the matter, love?
Is everything all right?

It's my daughter, Star...

My first day
being allowed to mind her,

and I'm already after
f*cking losing her. Aw!

Bringing a child out of the house
is one of the hardest things

you'll ever do in your life.
Yeah, well, I f...

I f*cking lost her.
I'm the shittest f*cking dad.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're not the first parent
ever to have lost a baby.

Yeah, well, that's easy for you
to say. Have you ever lost yours?

Of course! Twice.

Once in the supermarket.

Overnight.

Really?

I, er, lost my toddler
on the train to Dublin.

They found her in the toilet again.

And when I say she was in the
toilet, I mean she was...

..in the toilet.

Who else here has lost a child
at some time or another?

VARIOUS: Yeah.
Me.

So... So you're all...
you're all sh*t parents.

All parents are sh*t parents
at some time.

The key to it is to be
the best parent you can,

the rest of the time.

And I can tell by the way you care
about your baby Star

that that's what you are.
A great parent.

I... Thanks.

Now, listen. Your baby is going
to be around here somewhere.

And you just need to get up off your
hole and go look for her, yeah?

Yeah.

And we'll all help. Yeah!
Right? Right. Of course!

- HE SIGHS
- OK...

Attention, customers.

Stop what you're doing now and start
looking for a missing baby.

Star?

If you find an unattended baby
without the owner,

please bring it over to the customer
service desk. Thank you.

Star...? Star? Star?

Star?!

I found one.

That's not my baby.

Star? Star?

That's my baby!

Shhh.

Star? Baby Star?
I found one!

Over here!

Yeah? Star?

Star! Oh, gee. Oh, Star.

SHE GURGLES

Hiya!

You're OK! You're OK.
I know, I know. I know, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Seeing as Jock and me were
the brains of the operation,

it was time for our brains
to start operating.

Right, let's get this show
on the road. I'll call Billy.

Right, we need you to get back to
the shop now and distract Healy

for as long as possible.

Oh, thank God you found her. Oh!

And there's no sign of distress or
physical harm or anything?

No, she's all right. Good. Thanks.

Isn't that Billy Murphy
looking really suspicious?

Geez, I wonder what he's up to.
You should check that out.

WHISPERS: We've got to go
and take care of business now!

Oh, there you are.
Billy, what are you doing here?

Well, you...
You found the child, anyway.

That could have been
a major incident.

HE CHUCKLES

Come here. Do you know, now,
if I robbed this, right -

how much time do you think
I'd actually get?

Put it down.

All right!

What about if I took this and this?

OK?

Now, what we're about to do now is
what we call in our business

stock-taking, OK?

It's time to...

You know I have an issue with
your mother. She's mean to me.

You know, the last time
I called round, like, you know,

she just didn't make me welcome.

They all seem to be, like, lighting
things, you know? For candles.

Candle b*rned out between yourself
and Mairead, did it?

HE GIGGLES

Ooh! He's a bit sensitive to that.

I take you out every Friday night.

I took you out last week for...
Look, I... Did I not buy you chips?

Getting a bit hot under the collar
there, Healy. Ooh!

Do you like the longer motion
or the slower motion?

I'm not. I'm tired of it.
I'm a human too.

Would you say most people choose
a life of crime,

or do they just fall into it?

But that's not my fault!
I love you. Why, I...

We should be equals.

Bye, honey.

Oh, no!

It appears I've, er, been robbed!

Bollocks!

So what exactly happened?
Well, where do I start?

The girlfriend rang me, I was on
the phone to her, she rang me...

She rang... We talked, like,
talking, and then I got distracted.

I... By the way, I love her.
Gorgeous girl. Beautiful. Phew!

Great. Anyway, she rang me, right,

and I got distracted from my
delivery duties, and I saw nothing -

I actually saw nothing.

Zero. Nothing. And then I just...

They must just have gone
into thin air, like.

Keyser Soze!

The... The greatest trick
the devil ever played is...

..wasn't him at all.

Wish I could help you,
but I was with you all the time.

Those TVs, eh? Shocking, isn't it?

Shocking altogether.

Ah!

Hi! Hi!

Didn't think you'd be
the papoose type!

Aye, I actually prefer it.

Like having her closer.
Suits him, doesn't it?

I didn't miss you.

I didn't miss you either.

Fine. Yeah, it's great.

Come on. OK, OK...

See, as long as you don't
take her outside the house,

it's not that hard.
Oh, yeah. I'll bear that in mind.

What's that, Jock? Yeah.
I didn't say any...thing...

Oh, sure, you can read it
if you like.

Barry Walsh,

Best Principal of the Year.

Oh, put it away!

You're embarrassing me.

Look at that! Oh!
Your grandad won that.

Your grandad! Well done, sir.

Thanks.

And whenever you want to take
your daughter out for the day,

just let us know.

Yes! Oh, we had a great day,
didn't we? Did you?

I found it very relaxing.
Very relaxing? Very relaxing.

CONOR: We heard them saying
on the radio

that the best way to invest
your money these days is in gold,

so that's where we put
all our profit from the heist.

Sometimes televisions get a bad rap.

If you ask me, they actually
bring people together.

Fair play to Jock for getting us
that discount from his friend.

I know! Wouldn't get a TV
anywhere at this price,

even if it fell off
the back of a truck!

Siobhan? Are you joining us?

What the f*ck happened to my pram?
f*ck's sake!

CONOR: And they go up
pretty loud too!

Why the f*ck is
the back wheel missing?!

Yeah, all the way.

VOLUME GOES UP

And even if you don't
have someone to share it with,

at least you can talk with
the people inside the screen.

Ah, don't start crying. You'll have
me crying and all in a minute.

Oh, great, now
the floodgates have opened.

Definition on that TV
is something else, isn't it?

Even when you lean closer,
you still can't see the pixels.

I'm heading out for a walk
with Star. See you later.

Bye. Later.

I can't believe you got it
for such a big discount.

That TV looks perfect to me.

Aye, aye, just a...

..just a scratch on the base.
It's probably cosmetic.

PHONE BUZZES

f*ck off.

As for Jock, now that he's allowed
to take Star out on his own,

the last thing he wants to do is sit
in front of a television with her,

where everything she learns
is from strangers inside a box.

I learned most of the things I know
about life from listening to Jock.

Look, look!

I got you some gold
with your share too!

And now Star is going to benefit
from that same wealth of knowledge.

See that over there?
That's the Shandon bells.

Do you see that weather vane
feature on top of that?

It's made of gold.

Well, I'm just saying,

some day, someone might
get ideas about that.

You see, Star?

Everywhere you look,
there's opportunity.