03x04 - Series 3, Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

If you're not from Ireland,

here's everything you need to know
about the debs.

It's absolute, complete and total,
utter debauchery.

f*ck off!

Anything goes. It's dog eat dog,

universally regarded as
the best day in your entire life.

HE RETCHES

But, seeing as myself and Jock
are now past pupils...

Expelled! Expelled!

You're so, so, so expelled!

..We just have to wait
to be invited.

Here, why haven't they invited us
yet? It's days to the debs.

f*ck, I know.
We're pretty much married to them

and they still haven't
popped the question.

I don't care anyway,
like, but... Yeah.

Neither do I. ..it's just weird
that they haven't asked us.

It's a bit f*cking weird all right.

Debs is ridiculous anyway.
f*ck that.

So, do you want to come
to the debs with us or what?

Erm, when is it? Saturday week.

Are you, Saturday week...? Saturday?

I think we're free that day.
We are. Cool.

And...they're...

..gone.

BOTH CHEER EXCITEDLY

BOTH: ♪ We're going to the debs!
We're going to the debs! ♪

Whoo! Whoo!

Saying yes to go to someone's debs
comes with certain obligations.

I spent nine months
incubating this baby

and six months
with her hanging off my tit.

I've been hormonal and angry
that entire time.

I love this child,
but for the last two years,

all I've been hearing
is everyone going,

"Oh, she's so special,"
blah, blah, blah.

I just want one night
where I can feel special.

I don't ask for much, OK?

The cost of damage
that was caused to my hotel

during your school debs last year
far outweighed the profits.

It's up to you to keep
the kids under control,

or you'll never have the use
of this hotel again.

This year, me and every teacher
at the school

will be there supervising.

As I said,
you have nothing to worry about.

- By the way...
- SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

..Is it true what I heard?

That two of your students
pissed on you last year?

HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

You make it sound
like it happened twice.

They both pissed on me
at the same time.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, hello.
This is about the rats, isn't it?

If they ban us, that'll be
every hotel in the county.

Next year's debs would have
to be held in the school canteen.

The school will be destroyed.

At least Conor and Jock
are expelled.

Imagine if they turned up!

- THEY LAUGH
- Wouldn't that be funny?

Please, please, please!

Stop begging, Dad.
We're bringing Conor and Jock.

We'll look like total plebs
with no dates.

Plenty of kids dance on their own
at the debs. I did.

Didn't do me any harm.

How many friends do you have
from secondary school, Barry?

There's, erm...

Yeah, exactly.

This special day that
you've both been dreaming of?

It's going to be a disaster. You
don't know that. You're not a psychic.

I don't need to be when it comes
to the two of them.

They're as predictable as the tide.

Careful! You lobbed me in my eye
with that sh*t!

Relax! It'll grow back.

Why don't you just go
to the barber's like normal kids?

On debs day? f*ck that.

Last year, the barbers were so busy,
two lads lost their ears.

Linda, what are you using
to make your tits look bigger?

Just my tits.

I don't know why you want
this stuff on your bodies.

Fake tan is for girls.

That's sexist, that is.
Stop being sexist.

Make sure it's nice and even, now.
No streaks like last time.

Flip it.

Why do you have to make
your...your chests look bigger?

You said you wanted to be a part
of our special day,

and part of that special day
is making my tits look bigger.

I'll be back in a minute.

Just going to go get a pair of socks
so I can shove them down my pants.

Grow up, Barry.

Now, that is looking beautiful.

Well, you look like
a very fine pair of young men.

The girls are going to be
very pleased to see ye.

All right, all right,
quick spot-check.

BOTH: Corsage - check,
naggins - check,

fags - check,
half a dozen condoms - check.

Jock? Check. Conor? Check.

Have fun. I put on so much spray.

Oh, wait. Hang on a sec.

Now, you two have a good night,

and here's an extra each
for you, all right?

Thanks. Thanks. Here we go.

I better go before I get caught
talking to that snobby cow Orla.

All right, see ye!

BOTH: Good evening, Mrs Walsh.
Here are some flowers for you.

Mairead!

I know you're not dressed
for the occasion,

but you're invited, too,
for a drink. Come on.

Would you look at ye pair of rides!

Come on in, boys. Thank you.

How wonderful.

Welcome. Thanks so much.

Oh! Oh, OK. We're kissing.
All right.

Lads, I want you
to drink responsibly tonight.

The key is to take small sips.

JOCK BURPS

Oh, keep them coming, Orla.
Some taste of more off that.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm driving.

I got my sister to mind Star
for the night,

so us yummy grannies
can have a girlie night in.

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

"Yummy grannies."

Dad! Oh, they're ready.

All right. Don't you two
know anything?

All right! They need
to make an entrance.

Jock, close your eyes.
You, too, Conor. Close your eyes.

Where's...? It's over there.

GLASS SMASHES

Hurry up and make
your entrance, girls,

before they f*cking destroy
the place!

JOCK BURPS

She looks like
a p*rn meringue.

You can open them.

You look like someone
out of Playboy.

SHE LAUGHS

Thanks.

You look amazing. Thanks.

I decided to wear something that's
a part of my Nigerian heritage.

Yeah, I got... Yeah, yeah. I mean,
your heritage is great, too, like.

I thought we talked about
you wearing something normal.

This IS normal.

Well, if that's normal,

I'd hate to think
what you were thinking of wearing.

f*ck you, Batman!
You'll never catch us!

What's in the giant boxes?

So, these are your corsages.

Please tell me you got the one
I sent you a picture of.

The one in the picture
was way too tiny.

I mean, you mean more
to me than that.

All right, you ready?

♪ Ah!

♪ Ah! ♪

Where am I going to stick that?
On a coffin?

It's my debs, Jock, not my funeral.

Don't panic, girls.
Orla Walsh to the rescue.

I'm like Edward Scissorhands
when it comes to flowers.

I'd better get back to the hotel,

make sure everything's
running smoothly.

I'll see you later, girls.
BOTH: Bye, Dad.

- SCISSORS CLICK
- Who's Edward Scissorshands?

Listen, lads, could you do me
a favour tonight? Of course. Sure.

Anything. You know that little spark
that goes off in your head?

The one that,
when the two of you act on it,

normally leads to chaos
and destruction?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Please don't do that tonight.

Right. So, you're saying
not to have any fun?

If that's what you mean by fun,
then, yeah.

You have our word -
one boring night coming right up.

OK.

Hey, wait to see what we've got
bringing us to the debs.

We know it's
a f*cking carriage, Jock.

I'm the one who told you
to organise it.

How am I supposed to surprise you if you keep on
acting like you know what the surprise is going to be?

A surprise is only a surprise when
I don't know what's going to happen.

But you've told me exactly what
you want to do for the whole night,

so the only way
to actually surprise you

is by not doing
what you want me to do.

And if I do that, you're going
to get pissed off. No, I won't.

OK, so we improvised on the suits.
Were you pissed off?

We improvised on the corsages.
Were you pissed off?

Did you improvise on the carriage?

No, Your Majesty. Great.

Now, video me looking surprised
when it arrives.

- Close your eyes.
- HORSES' HOOVES APPROACH

Oh, my God! What's that sound?

It's the horse and carriage.

I'm pretending to be surprised,
so start it again, all right?

Close your eyes.

Oh, my God!
You got a horse and carriage!

What the f*ck?!

Siobhan, you're pretty good
at acting surprised.

Stop filming!

All right, lads?
Ladies, you look lovely.

Thank you very much.

What's with the uneven horses?

MUMBLES: Nothing about even horses.

He said you said nothing about even.

I know I'm not a horse expert, like,
but this doesn't look right.

We'll just end up going in circles.

The big horse is just for show.
The smallest one does all the work.

Excuse me, horse people,

could you just drop us off around
the corner from the hotel, please?

We'll never live it down

if everyone from school sees us
arrive in that heap of sh*t.

- DANCE MUSIC BLARES
- Too late for that. Oh, f*ck!

LAUGHTER

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

PHONES BEEP

They just posted us
to the f*cking debs WhatsApp group.

This could possibly be
the most humiliating thing

that has ever happened to me
in my entire life.

Come on, just get in the carriage.

- No, let go of the train!
- SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Yeah, I said they're nice, like. No.

Oh, right. Yeah.
After you, my African queen.

- And I thank you, my good sir.
- THEY LAUGH

How do you get into it?
Just climb up. It stinks of sh*t.

That one was taken on vacation
in Lanzarote last year.

You can get a suite
in a five-star hotel over there

for the price of a three-star here.
Really? Mm-hm.

I better leave.
I have to, erm, feed the duck.

The duck? Mm-hm.

You're blowing me off for a duck?

Do you really not like me that much?

I don't not like you.

You don't NOT like me
means you don't like me.

OK, this is getting a bit weird,
so I'm just going to leave

before it gets any weirder,
all right? It's...

Too late for that.
We're in the middle of weird.

Now, out with it -
what's your problem with me?

Do you really want to know?
Oh, do share.

You are constantly making out
that you are better than me,

bigging yourself up
while talking me down

with your fancy, snobby accent
and your fancy, snobby clothes

and your fancy, snobby hair and
your fancy, frilly, snobby curtains

and your frilly,
f*cking snobby house.

I talk snobby, yeah?

Dress snobby? Act snobby?

Fine.

I'm just trying to impress you.

I know I overdo it
and I can be really annoying...

..but I don't have a lot of friends.

Not ones that aren't assholes,
anyway.

Me neither.

You've got make-up on your sleeve.

Would you like a glass
of . sparkling white wine,

which, incidentally, came in a box?

Do you have a pint glass?

CONOR: One of the main advantages
of cars over horses

is they have windows to stop
your shoes falling out.

Oh, sh*t! My shoe!

No! No, no! Stop!

Oh, you f*cking arsehole!
You f*cking prick!

It's fine, though. Look, I'm fine.

You've got no shoe.
Yeah, but it's grand.

That's what you get for riding
in a f*cking carriage!

Just help me get down.

Here, you can use my shoe,
Cinderella.

Why, thank you very much,
Prince Charming.

Well, what does that make me?

Erm, one of her beautiful sisters.

There you go. Thank you very much.

I mean, I like it.

HORSE NEIGHS

What's wrong with the big horse?

She gets travel-sick
and she needs to vomit.

I thought horses couldn't vomit.

Well, this one can,
and it's like green dishwater.

Oh, sh*t!
I've got something on my dress.

What the f...?

Oh, it's fine. I've picked it off.
It's barely noticeable.

You can't stand there. It's my debs.
I'll stand wherever the f*ck I like.

HORSE GRUNTS

SHE SCREAMS

HORSE WHINNIES

Oh, my... Oh, gee!

LAUGHTER

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

HE COUGHS

f*ck my life!

Let's not blow this
out of proportion, now. You're fine.

Just shut up
and help me clean this up!

Erm...tissues.

SHE SCREAMS

- SHE COUGHS
- It's not actually that bad.

What are they doing here?
Who? Conor and Jock.

They're just two innocent lads that
happen to be my daughters' dates.

Traitor! Are they the expelled
pissers who pissed on your pants?

BOTH SHOUT AGGRESSIVELY

If you can't stop them
from pissing on you,

how are you going to stop them
from pissing on my hotel carpet?

THEY CHUCKLE

Why did you keep your debs dress
AND your wedding dress?

Sentimental value.

The day I lost my virginity.

The day Barry lost his virginity.

SHE LAUGHS

We'll just get it sorted.
We'll sort this inside, OK,

as soon as we get in?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You two, you're not coming in.

DANCE MUSIC BLARES IN DISTANCE

Don't worry, girls. We got this.

All right, we're going.
Right, see you later.

Ooh!

THEY GROAN

f*ck! He's like an ox!

We're wearing him down, boy.
Come on, he's getting tired.

THEY PANT

I warned the girls
their night would be a disaster

if they went to the debs
with you two,

and you've proven
to be % predictable.

Oh, predictable? Us? Yes, you.

All right, if we're so predictable,

did you know
we were going to do, erm...?

Did you know
we were going to do this?

Girls, get inside.

No, they're staying with us.

Come on, boys. Do the right thing.

f*ck this. Come on, Linda.
No. Wait, wait, wait.

Everything's going to be fine. No,
it's not going to be f*cking fine!

Do you know how people look at me
now I have a baby?

Like I'm a freak.

This was meant to be
my one night of being special,

and this is what I get?

If you can't even get
one night right,

what do I have to look forward to
with you as my boyfriend?

f*ck you, Siobhan.

Enjoy the debs. I hope
you find someone to dance with.

Yeah, well, there's plenty
to choose from.

Come on, Linda.

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

SHE MOUTHS

- PHONE BEEPS
- Wait, my phone. Wait a second.

Oh, f*ck's sake.
He's f*cking langers drunk.

Who? Oh.

I know what you're thinking, right?

"When will that annoying prick Tony
ever leave me alone?"

And the answer is never.

HE LAUGHS

Have I made you smile yet?

Come on. Let's get drunk together.

Oh, I'm already drunk,
but you can catch up.

What are you doing? "On my way."

Well, we're not staying here
all night.

Come on, on three.

SHE LAUGHS

One, two, three.

- SHE SCREAMS
- f*ck!

SHE LAUGHS

f*ck them! Yeah, f*ck them!
Debs is ridiculous.

Did you hear that? Predictable - us?

What we need to do now is just do
something completely unpredictable.

And we can be unpredictable, boy.
Yeah.

The only reason
they're not letting us in

is cos they think we're going
to do some kind of damage.

To show them,
we just do absolutely nothing.

Yeah. Yeah,
they'd never expect that.

We just go home.
We just go home in silent protest.

What are you going to f*cking wipe
your asses with now, eh? Dickheads.

HE MUTTERS ANGRILY

THEY GROAN

HE SLURS DRUNKENLY

Hey, put your hands in the air,
m*therf*ckers! It's the Five-O!

Hey! Hey! Is this normal?
Yeah, yeah, he gets like that.

Do you know what we need?

We need pills and a party.

What's that? What did you say?

Maybe... Maybe just a party.
Maybe just a party.

SHE SNIGGERS

Why don't I arrange
a police escort for you?

Ooh! Where to?

HE SLURS DRUNKENLY

MAIREAD SINGS

- DANCE MUSIC BLARES
- Come on,

let's clean the horse vomit
off of you.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SOBS

PARTYGOER: Lovely shade
of green on you, Siobhan.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Just move on. Stinking!
Clear the way, thank you.

PHONES BEEP

You've got snot
coming out of your nose.

I don't care any more.
It's starting to bubble.

I know you wanted this night
to be special,

but I don't think it'll be the same
without Conor and Jock.

I know they can be
incredibly annoying and silly...

And stupid and pains in the hole!
Yeah.

But they're OUR stupid, silly,
annoying pains in the holes, right?

- SHE LAUGHS
- Let's clean you up a bit.

- LOUD cr*ck
- Ow!

sh*t. What the f*ck are you doing?

Relax, it's biodegradable.
What are you doing here?

Sorry.

Whatever, like.
Come on, let's go home.

It's not good enough,
Siobhan. Then what?

What do you want me to say, like?

Erm, how about, "Sorry for being
a stupid, f*cking selfish assh*le?"

Sorry for being a stupid,
f*cking selfish assh*le.

"The horse and carriage,
albeit a little unconventional,

"was actually a great novelty."

The horse and carriage,
albeit a little unconventional,

was actually a great novelty.

"I know it wasn't your fault
that the horse threw up on me,

"so I'm sorry for blaming you."

It wasn't your fault
the horse threw up on me,

so I'm sorry for blaming you.

"I'll stop giving out to you
for picking your nose."

I'm only apologising for
things that are relative to tonight.

Fair enough.

Being there without you
just didn't feel right.

Yeah. No, I know what you mean.

With everybody shifting
everyone else,

you'd probably look like
a total loser on your own.

Just so you know, all right,
I wouldn't have minded

if you had to shift someone else
so as not to look like a loser.

Cos it's your debs
and I want it to be special for you.

That's so sweet.

All right, one last thing.

"I'll make this up to you..."

I'll make this up to you...

"..by dancing with you."

..By dancing with you tonight.
No, no, no, but not here.

On the dance floor at the debs
like you always wanted.

Right, up, up, up, up, up.

Here!

We're coming. Jesus, slow down!
There we go.

You're supposed to wiggle
your way through. I am.

Ah, my balls. I am!

HE GROANS

He's all yours. Ah! What's wrong
with you? It's my balls.

Your balls are tiny.
It doesn't matter.

Ah! My lace is stuck in the latch.
Pull me back.

The other way! Ah!

Nice one, Kev. No bother.

THEY CHAT EXCITEDLY

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

PARTYGOER: Go on, Aoife!
Go on, Aoife!

DANCE MUSIC STOPS

BAND PLAYS

Hold the music.

BAND STOPS PLAYING

PARTYGOERS: How did they get in?
They're dopes. Go home, lads.

The music isn't starting
until the two of you leave.

Lads, just f*ck off.

Come on, just one dance with our
ladies on the night of their debs.

Then we'll go.

All right, kick it! One, two, three!

- BAND BEGINS TO PLAY
- Don't start!

Don't listen to her, boy.
You're musicians.

No-one tells you what to do.

You play one note
and that'll be the last time

you ever work in this hotel.
Understood?

f*ck her, boy!
She's not the boss of you.

She actually is the boss of us.
We're hotel staff.

Oh.

For the benefit
of everyone else here...

..would you not just leave?

Not until we dance.

You'll find it hard
to dance without music.

PARTYGOER: Ah, go away!

May I have this dance?

PARTYGOERS: Aw!

I would be honoured.

Shall we? We shall.

I love you.

No matter how
your debs night turns out,

it's always going to be
a special one.

It's the one night
that brings us all together.

It's the one night
when everyone deserves a dance.

Sit. Guys, I need... Now, sit.

THEY LAUGH

This is a raid!

GASPING

No, I'm only joking.
Keep f*cking dancing.

CHEERING

Let's party at the raid!

One, two, three.

BAND PLAYS

All right, boys!
Give us a hug. Come on!

CONOR: And it's the one
when you should stop thinking about

what everyone else thinks...
Do you know what?

Stick your hotel up your hole.

We'll have the debs
at the school next year.

..And just enjoy yourself.

If you don't stop playing,
that is your P!

♪ Days, they go by

♪ And you're always there at my side

♪ Girl, I'm glad you're mine

♪ There are times
I get distracted, girl

♪ By the ways and workings
of this world

♪ But I think of you
as my life's shrine

♪ And I'm glad that I'm yours

♪ And you're mine

♪ When I'm far from home and lonely

♪ And I think about my life

♪ I think about you

♪ All the little things that you do

♪ And I'm glad you're mine

♪ There are times
I get distracted, girl

♪ By the ways and workings
of this world

♪ But I think of you
as my life's shrine

♪ And I'm glad that I'm yours

♪ And you're mine. ♪