03x06 - Series 3, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

No matter what grown-ups say,
being young is for dickheads

cos you've got f*ck-all
independence.

That's why meself and Jock decided
to move out of home

to somewhere fancier like...

Spain. Spain?

Spain. Like, definitely Spain?
Yeah, boy.

It's what all Irish people do
when they become adults.

You go abroad and make
a name for yourself.

Bono did it. Daniel Day... Daniel
Day whatever his name is, you know?

Oscar fella.

Barack Obama done it.

Barack Obama's not Irish, though.

Course he f*cking is, boy.

O'Bama.

Or his... Or his mam was
or something,

but all the best people
in the world come from Ireland.

Why are we leaving, then?

Boy...take a look around.

We've outgrown this place.

Cork's got nothing left for us.

Yeah, boy, you're right.
And Spain's way bigger than Cork.

It's perfect, right?

It's hot over there. Yeah.

English is the main language. Yeah.

And we can run a bar. All the Irish
run the bars in Spain.

Yeah, it's just we've never actually
ran a bar though before.

But, Con, everyone that runs a bar

at some point didn't used to
run a bar.

That's an excellent point.

We send money over to Star
every week. Yeah.

To Siobhan, Linda, everyone,

and then invite them all over
to a mansion.

They would be f*cking so proud, boy!

We need to make a proper, proper
adult plan. Proper, like. Proper.

We've got to book flights.

Yeah.

Get sunscreen.

Flip-flops.

Aye, it's going to take a lot of
work, actually. Yeah.

Wee good bit of work.

But we can do that.
We can do it, boy.

No problemo, Escobar.

Escobar, Pablo Escobar.

Yeah, I might call myself a
different name over there. Oh, yeah?

People won't know me.
What would they call you?

Jocke. Jocke?

Jocke. Jocke and Conrad.

Conrad and Jocke.

Conrad and Jocke.

That'd be class.
Conrad and Jocke's Pub.

Conrad and Jocke's Pints...

BOTH: And sh*t-es.

THEY LAUGH

Yes! Manana, manana.

Adios, amigos. Manana.

Adios, Cork, boy. Manana.

You've to learn something else,
you can't just keep saying manana.

Dos cervezas, por favor.

Aye? Yeah, I guess.

All right. OK, see you in a bit.

Hey, Conor and Jock want us to come
over to their house.

They have some surprise for us.

Holy f*cking sh*t!

They've all the money
from the boxing bet!

They're probably after buying us
something f*cking amazing!

Please be new shoes,
please be new shoes... Come on!

No f*cking way.
You're not moving to Spain.

All right, this isn't like a thing

that we just plucked
out of thin air.

We've given it a lot of thought.
And we've got a plan.

We're going to run a bar.

In Spain.

That's it?

And we've made up our minds as well.
You can't talk us out of it.

We're nearly adults now,

so we're going to start taking
care of ourselves.

You're not fit to take
care of yourselves. We are fit.

I can do sit-ups in one go,

if Jock's holding my feet.

I don't think that's what
she means, boy.

And what happens if you two
dickheads get in trouble, then?

How am I supposed to hop on a plane
and save the day?

Er, who says we're going to
get in trouble?

Conor, how many times last week
did you call me

to dig you out of a f*cking hole?

Six. Are you including the time

when we got caught smoking
in the swimming pool?

About seven. Seven times.

In one week.

That's a return flight every day.

How do you f*cking think
I'd manage that?

BANGING

What's that?

Billy!

Yes, Mairead?

All right, lads?

Could you hold the banging
for two f*cking seconds?

Fix the washing machine,
don't fix the washing machine.

You know, sometimes, Mairead,
you can be a bit f*cking mental.

I never asked you to fix the washing
machine, I just said it was broken

and now you're hammering the sh*t
out of it. You're welcome.

And before you ask,
the washing machine

is the magic box in the corner
that cleans all your clothes.

We're moving out, all right.
It's time.

Adios.

Conor, if I thought that you were
capable of all this,

of, like, booking...

PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

SINGSONGY: Hello?

Billy Murphy's phone.
Billy Murphy speaking.

Yes.

OK.

Thank you for telling me.

Billy! Jesus Christ! Billy!

You all right? Get up.
Get up, Billy.

Get up. You all right there?

Oh... You OK, Billy?

Course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

Because of that m-massive banger
on your head.

That's nothing and I'll use it

to head-butt anybody
who disagrees with me, OK?

Do you know what, Billy? Why don't
you just sit down for a bit?

No, I'm all right, Mairead.

It's nothing.

I've just got somewhere
I've got to be.

Er, just... f*cking one second.
Lads, a hand here.

If them pricks touch me,

I'm going to batter them into a tiny
little squishy piece of sh*t.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Er, that's the door. I'll go check
who's at the door, right?

Never mind the f*cking door.

Billy, we're just trying
to help you, all right?

I don't need your help.

I've just got somewhere
I've got to be.

Jock's right, Billy, we're just
trying to help you.

Just wait a minute, all right?
Just...

One minute for you, Mairead,

not them pricks.

And then I'm off.
I've just got somewhere...

You've got to be.
I know, you keep saying it.

- BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN
- Just don't let him f*cking move.

f*ck's sake...

What's going on, Healy?
Now is not a good time.

♪ Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do!

♪ Take a parachute and jump

♪ You can't stay here forever

♪ When everyone else is gone

♪ Being all alone
won't seem that clever

♪ Take a parachute and go... ♪

What the f*ck?

Hey, Billy?

Here, look. How many fingers
am I holding up, Billy?

Get those fingers out of my face

or I'll snap them
off and feed them to Jock.

All right, sorry, sorry!

f*cking hell...

SINGING OUTSIDE

♪ Don't look out for you... ♪

What's that...

..awful old-fashioned noise?

♪ I'll make it simple for you... ♪

Oh, God, no!

Mairead MacSweeney, would you do me
the honour...?

What's going on?

Can you just give me one minute,
fellas, please?

Healy, now is not a good time.

When is there going to be
a better time than

when I'm down on one knee on your
doorstep with a barbershop quartet?

They're barbers as well?

Lads, could I get a quick trim
after? I'm due a haircut.

Guys, could you please go
and check on Billy, now?

Oh, sh*t. Yeah, yeah.

f*ck!

Go, go, go, go.

Mairead MacSweeney,
would you do me the honour...?

Sorry, Mam...
Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Billy's gone.
What do you mean, he's gone?

He's gone out the back door, like.
Oh, God!

Wait, what?

Oh, sh*t!

If anything happens to Billy,
it's your fault.

How is it our fault?
You two let him leave. It's on ye.

Hang on, you're ignoring me
for Billy f*cking Murphy?

He's after hitting his head.

Billy Murphy's always
hitting his head.

Oh, God.

Will you marry me, Mairead?

Jesus, Tony!

Right, lads, find Billy,
keep him safe.

I'm going to get my car,
we'll get into the hospital.

You call me when you find him,
all right? Yes, Mam.

Just get out.

Now, will you f*ck off, like?
I'm busy.

See, this is why I love you,
Mairead, cos you're strong,

caring, determined, you know
exactly what you want.

Will you marry me? No, I won't.

You see, this is why I hate you,
Mairead,

because you're pig-headed,
frustrating, single-minded.

HE SIGHS

I love you, Mairead!

Did you see what Healy was doing?

Shut up,
I don't want to talk about it.

Here, wait, did you see a madman
with a big f*cking banger

on his head and a mental look
on his face around here?

Billy Murphy went that way.

Sound.

Here, boy, do you know, if your mam
does marry Healy...

She's not going to marry Healy!

..You're going to have to start
calling him Dad.

Look, did you see her face,
all right?

It wasn't exactly
the look of f*cking love.

Yeah, boy, have you ever seen
a married couple before?

Marriage is a fine balance
between love and hate.

That's the whole point, I think,
otherwise it gets boring.

Yeah, well, Mam's life isn't boring,
right, cos she's got the two of us.

But will you think about this?
If your mam marries Healy

then she'll have someone else
to worry about other than us.

Then we can do whatever we want,

like go to Spain.

There's Billy. Come on.

♪ If the wind don't catch you,
I will

♪ I will... ♪

Are you not picking up on
the f*cking vibe here, lads?

We need to talk, Mairead. Not now.

All right, I'm coming with you.

Billy!
What do you two pricks want?

Here, we need to get your head
looked at.

You two need to get YOUR f*cking
heads looked at.

I've just got somewhere
I've got to be.

Yeah? Well, we need
to get you sorted

because there's somewhere
we've got to be too.

Where the f*ck have you got to be?

Spain.

Spain? In...Spain?

Yes, Spain in Spain, where else?

What with global warming, you two
would be fried like a f*cking crisp.

Have you never heard
of sun cream, Billy?

Yeah, and you're going to put that
all over your pale, puny bodies

four times a day?

You don't need to do that here.

All right, well, while you tell us
how wrong we are,

why don't we get that banger on your
head looked at by a doctor?

You're not going to stop me again.

And if ye try to stop me again,
I'm going to batter ye.

Do ye understand? Yeah. Yeah.

What now?

It's either getting a b*ating
off Billy or a bollocking off Mam.

Mairead.

Seat belt.

I'm just looking after you.

All right, that's what I do.

And that's what I want to do for
the rest of our lives because...

..I love you.

And what about you being needy or
controlling

or a f*cking pig when we
lived together?

Oh, well, that's really nice.

Yeah, remind me to never ask you
for a reference.

There's something really unnatural
about walking towards Billy Murphy.

It goes against every instinct.

Normally, everyone is running in
the opposite direction to him.

Billy did say he didn't want us
following him again.

He's just saying that, Conor,
trust me. Here, Billy, Billy!

Billy, Billy!
Just wait there, boy.

All right, I know you said for us
not to come and talk to you but...

Oh!

I warned ye!

JOCK AND CONOR GASP AND COUGH

Would you stop ringing the doorbell?

If they were in,
they would have answered by now.

You don't have to ring times.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh... Ugh...

Linda, we're a little busy
at the moment.

Can we call you back in a bit?

No, you can't ring us back.

Where's our big surprise?

Tell Jock I want my big surprise!

I think Billy's going
to the shopping centre.

How about we meet you
at the shopping centre and, yeah,

we'll talk then?

Whatever they've got us
must be massive

cos they can't even bring it outside
the shopping centre. I know!

What now? We call Mam. Sure,
she'll know how to handle Billy.

Conor, we're trying to prove to Mam
that we're independent.

When we get to Spain, we can't just
phone her any time we've a problem.

Yes, we can.
They have phones in Spain as well.

Yeah, I know that.

Sure, I don't f*cking care,
I'm calling her, all right? Come on.

PHONE RINGS

Don't answer that.

It's Conor, I have to.
Don't answer that, Mairead,

it's illegal to use your phone
while you're driving.

If you answer that,
I will arrest you.

Thanks, you've just given me another
good reason not to marry you.

Better?

Where are you?

Billy?

Billy? Oh, Jesus.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... What?

Look.

Ah... Ah, Jeez...

Oh, he's definitely acting stranger
than normal,

even for Billy.

Even Billy's not normally
that mental.

All right, come on.

How's it going, Billy?

We just want to see
if you're all right.

I'm fine, lads.

It's just... What?

Nothing, nothing.

Do you remember what happened
at the house, Billy?

Of course I f*cking do.

I got a phone call
and then I left the house.

No, you fainted.

Did I?

I don't think I did.

Did I?

Who was on the phone, Billy?

I don't know who it was.

Why did you faint, then?

I think it was something
they told me.

Now, why don't you two f*cking
leave before I hurt you again?

Because I've just got somewhere
I've got to be.

What the f*ck's he on about?
I don't have a f*cking clue.

But, look, he can't go anywhere
on the escalator. He's safe.

We just have to wait for your mam
to arrive and, in the meantime,

I'll find the girls and talk to
them about Spain, OK? Go on.

I'm not taking no
for an answer, Mairead.

But it's the only answer you're
going to get, like.

Where the f*ck are the boys?

Sorry, girls.

Where is it, then? Where's what?

- Oh, you're very funny.
- THEY GIGGLE

Where's our big surprise?

We're going to Spain.

BOTH: Yeah!

Oh, no, no, no! Here, here...

Wait, wait, no, no, no,
is that why you brought us here,

so you could book our tickets?

No, you're mis...

You're misunderstanding me.

WE are going to Spain, like,
by ourselves, me and Con.

What?

We're doing it for you.

Wait...you and Conor are going to
Spain? Yeah.

By yourselves?

For us? Yeah, we're going to go over
there, set up a bar and,

after a couple of months,
once everything's running,

we're going to fly you two over
to join us. What the f*ck?

And you idiots expected us to be
happy about that?

Yeah! Are you not?

No, we're f*cking not.

What about Star?

Just throw factor block on her
and she'll be grand.

Star can't go to Spain. She'll grow
up learning a different language.

We won't be able to understand
our own baby.

Well...

PHONE VIBRATES

I'm standing at the escalator,
staring at Billy.

Now where the f*ck are you?

Back staircase.

I'm going up.

Hurry up, will ye?

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, sh*t.

Erm... Here, sorry, girls,
I-I got to go.

Come here, just think this over and
you'll realise

it's actually for the best, yeah?
Love you!

All right, bye! Jock!

Jock, I'll f*cking k*ll ye.
Get back here right now!

You OK, Billy?

That lump seems to be affecting
your sense of direction.

Do you want to come down off
the escalator

so I can take a look at it?

That's very kind of you. I've just
got somewhere I've got to be.

Where were ye?! We had to talk
to the girls about Spain.

Do you ever think about anybody
except your f*cking selves?

HEALY: It's all right, Mairead,

there's a button here
that stops the... No! No!

ALARM SOUNDS

I'm after telling ye times, I've
just got somewhere I've got to be.

And you're not going
to f*cking stop me!

Come on, Billy. It's over.
Give yourself up.

Healy, what the f*ck?

Sorry. Old habits.

Look, we just want to get
you into the car

and go to the hospital, all right?

Yeah, Billy?
Billy, you're trapped, OK?

J-Just let us help you.

I once cornered a rat
because somebody told me

if you corner a rat
it will jump up and att*ck you.

And I wanted to know
if that was true.

And...?

BILLY SCREAMS

What the f*ck were you thinking
leaving Billy on his own like that?

He wasn't going anywhere!

He was like a little hamster
on a wheel.

You were supposed
to be taking care of him.

WHISPERS: This is our chance to be
responsible.

Look, don't worry, we've got it.

You go to the car and we'll call you
once we find him, all right?

There he is, there he is.

Come on, let's get him. No, no, no.
What the f*ck?

We don't need to get him,
we just need to keep an eye on him

until Mam catches up
with us in the car.

Oh, good thinking.

That way he can't give us a b*ating
and she can't be mad.

It's win-win. Smart boy.
Right. I'll text Mam.

SOBBING

BOTH: And... And they said
they were going to...

One at a time, girls.

I can't work out what you're saying
with all the snot and wailing.

The boys are leaving!

And they're moving to Spain.

Spain?

N-No, that's awful.

You have to help us persuade them
not to leave.

Well, is that wise?

I mean, travel broadens the horizons
of the mind and...

Girls, where are ye?

Blackpool Shopping Centre.

Go!

What are you smiling about?

I'm not smiling.

I just had the sun in my eyes.

Get in the car, Barry, come on.

COWS MOOING

Oh, God!

Are you sure this is the right way,
just waiting here?

Conor texted to say Billy is
heading out of town,

so, yes, I'm sure.

Let me see the text, maybe.

Jesus, Healy, can you stop meddling
for once in your life?

You always have to be in control,
don't you?

If you hadn't pressed the
emergency stop button,

we wouldn't be standing here
right now like a pair of pricks.

When will you see that I'm
just trying to look after you?

Tony, you're a man-child.
I'm the one who looks after you.

Thanks very much, but I already have
two hapless children to look after.

I'm at capacity.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but judging by how
they acted in the shopping centre

and the way they've been watching
over Billy all day,

those boys might be getting
to the age

where they're ready
to leave the nest.

PHONE CHIMES

They're in the middle
of a cabbage field.

♪ Take a parachute and jump

♪ You can't stay here forever

♪ When everyone else is gone

♪ Being all alone won't
seem that clever

♪ Take a parachute and go

♪ There's going to have
to be some danger

♪ Take a parachute and jump

♪ You're going to have
to take flight... ♪

Know what, boy?

I think I'm becoming an adult.

I just realised I'm actually really
enjoying

this walk in the countryside.

Do you know, I was just thinking
the exact same thing.

Look at us - two young adults
just enjoying the countryside.

f*cking yeah, boy.

Farmers.

Oh...

What? What's wrong with you?
It's just...

Look, we will be OK in Spain,
won't we? Of course, boy.

It's going to be amazing.

Maybe our milk-bottle bodies won't
be able to handle the Spanish sun.

Not at all, boy.

No, no, once we burn off a couple of
layers, we'll build up a tolerance.

Like drinking? Exactly.

And, sure the girls will come round

once they realise they're %
totally wrong.

Be grand, boy, don't worry.
Be grand.

Sure, you're right.

There's a bus stop here,
for Christ's sake.

We could have all just gotten
the f*cking bus.

I don't think Billy likes to get the
bus any more

after you know what. Aye.

I just got a message from Conor.

They're at Crosshaven Rugby Club.

What the hell are they doing
all the way out there?

f*cking knackered, boy.
How much further is he going to go?

I know, we need to stop

before the soles of my trainers
are fully worn through.

Wait, wait.

I have a plan.

Hey, Billy!

Hey, big Billy!

How's it going, Billy?
What are you doing around here?

We're just going for a walk
in the countryside.

Don't know about you, but we've been
walking for f*cking miles.

Yeah, I have too.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

And we're just going in there
for a quick glass of water.

Yeah? Yeah, we're very, very thirsty
after all that walking.

And apparently, apparently
this place

has the tastiest water
in all the area.

Anyway, see you later, Billy.

Yeah, I could do with a nice glass
of tasty water.

Ah, no, we don't want to keep you.

And there might not be enough
tasty water to go around, so...

Here, if I want some
nice, tasty water,

I'm going to get some, all right?

Here, get away from
that nice, tasty water.

It's mine!

Shut the door!

Ah! Ah-ha-ha!

Thank f*ck!

Conor, you f*cking did it!

f*ck yes!

That took so f*cking long.

What do we do now?

I've heard of the calm before the
storm, but in this case,

Billy Murphy is the storm and he's
being calm,

which is far more unsettling.

Well? Nothing, just silence.

This is the scariest Billy's
ever been.

I have an idea.

Oh, here we go again,
Captain Control.

Actually, I was going to say
you should go in, Mairead.

You'll handle it better than I will.

Oh.

Yeah, Healy's right, but me
and Jock are going with you.

Erm...Billy?

We're coming in.

We mean no harm.

You OK, Billy?

Hi, Mairead. How's it going, lads?

You tricked me good with that
tasty water bullshit.

I was going to kick the sh*t
out of you, but I thought about it.

I thought, if these two little
pricks are following me around,

they must be keeping an eye on me.

So I let you live.

Billy, that's a massive lump
on your head.

Honestly, Mairead, I'm fine.

There's nothing wrong with my head.

Then what's wrong, like?
Why did you faint back at the house?

Did I ever tell ye the funny
story about when I was a kid?

Right, I'd gotten into some trouble
with my mam.

She sent me to my room and,
in protest, I said to her,

"I'm going to hold my breath now,
Mam, until you forgive me."

And then I fainted.

When I woke up,
she hadn't even noticed!

HE LAUGHS

Do you get it?

That's f*cking funny, like.

I said, f*cking funny, eh?

FORCED LAUGHTER

Just trust me, all right?

I've had far worse bumps
on my head than this.

I've had so many, I should be in the
Guinness book of f*cking records.

Anyway, I'd love to sit around
and chat, but I can't,

because I've just got somewhere...
We know, Billy, we know.

Billy, your shoelace.

You stay here. I'll go talk to them.

What are you doing here?

Fellas, the girls tell me you're
moving to Spain.

Yeah, we are. We are.

I just want to give you this.

What? As a gift.

What...What's this for?

Oh, you know. Whatever you want.

I just want you to know,
I think it's a really good idea.

And, you know, if Spain doesn't work
out, don't come rushing back.

You know, you could use that
money to see the rest of Europe,

even the world.

All right, thanks.

Nice one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on, Mairead?

It's all right, just...let him go.

Where's he off to?

Not sure.

He's just got somewhere
he's got to be.

Well?

I did my best.

Where are they going?
They're following that guy

with the lump on his head.
And where is he going?

What the f*ck is going on?

What?

What?!

I did my best,
I tried to talk them into staying.

What now, Billy?

That phone call
that I got this morning

was someone telling me
that my mam passed away.

Sorry to hear that, Billy.

Yeah, Billy.

She wasn't a good mam.

She didn't really give
a sh*t about me.

The only happy memory I have of her
is bringing me down here.

She used to say, "Is there anywhere
else in the world

"that you'd rather be
than right here and now?"

Sometimes you don't really
appreciate what you have

until you spend the day
following a dangerous lunatic

with a banger on his head
halfway across the country.

Your dad gave us some extra cash.

Maybe we could book four
return flights to Spain instead.

For a holiday. Oh, my gosh.

I think that's a better idea.

f*ck's sake!

So myself and Jock were seeing
things a little bit more clearly.

But all of a sudden,

Mam was acting like she'd got
a f*cking bang on the head.

Yes.

What? Really?

Seriously?

We're getting f*cking married?!

Last one in's a rotten egg!

THEY LAUGH AND YELL

Come on, get your kit off,
you sexy bastard, you.

Whoa!

I always wondered what Orla
saw in Barry.

You know what?

Maybe being young
isn't just for dickheads,

because there are a lot of benefits,

like having
f*ck-all responsibilities.

And maybe the only problem
with being young

is all the grown-ups in the world
who need to sort their sh*t out

and stop acting like boring
old adults.

♪ And when I need to get home

♪ You're my guiding light
You're my guiding light

♪ When I need to get home

♪ You're my guiding light
You're my guiding light

♪ When I need to get home

♪ You're my guiding light

♪ You're my guiding light

♪ When I need to get home

♪ You're my guiding light

♪ You're my guiding light. ♪