04x02 - The Big Bad Ivy Caper

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

♪ Where in the world is Carmen ♪

- ♪ Sandiego? ♪
- ♪ Sandiego? ♪

- ♪ Sandiego? ♪
- ♪ Sandiego? ♪

♪ Where in the world is Carmen ♪

MAIN TITLE

Esteemed colleagues,

I am thrilled to announce
that I have solved our problem.

You went and found spare parts
to repair our brain wipe doohickey?

Our ongoing problem.

You captured Carmen Sandiego?

Our separate-but-related
other ongoing problem.

The all-too-frequent failures
of our highly-trained operatives,

which I can only
attribute to… human error.

Not again.

We should never allow Saira
to visit her Himalayan Laboratory

without adult supervision.
She simply has too many toys there.

If we remove human error
from the equation,

our success rate would skyrocket,
and I would no longer be tasked

with wiping memories
of VILE from our former students.

So, you're gonna train
monkeys to steal for us?

[laughs]

It is quite funny if you picture it.

But do not be absurd, Coach Brunt.

Programming will eliminate
any need for training, with…

the ultimate VILE operative.

[machine powering up]

My Robo-Robber is programmed to steal,

with hands of steel.

- No, no, no.
- [metal clanks, glass shatters]

Oh, no. You don't want to do…

- [expl*si*n]
- [coughs]

that. [coughing continues]

A minor hiccup. Will circle back.

Hiccup? More like a belch.

Perhaps we should focus our attention

on the rather large sum
of stolen gold bullion

currently languishing in Bavaria.

My operative has been dispatched, Gunnar.

In fact, we cooked up
a rather delicious plan

to smuggle it out of the country

Red, I have intel that VILE'S
planning a meet and greet

with someone who calls herself
Madame Goldlove.

There's a name. [thuds]

Think they might be meeting
to discuss, oh, I don't know?

The gold that vanished
from that German bank a few weeks back?

[grunts]

Bingo. The meet's happening
in the German state of Bavaria.

Exactly hours
from now during first… period.

[grunts]
First period?

There's... something
I need to tell you, Red.

Mom and dad decided I spend
way too much time alone in my room,

which means goodbye, home school,

and hello, public school.

That... may take some getting used to.

Or not.

Phone, laptop, tablet.
I plan on staying connected.

I appreciate that, Player,
but really, school comes first.

Says the drop-out.

Crime school doesn't count,
and you know I'm all about education.

Ha!

Well, can't be late on my first day.
I'll book your flight from the school bus.

[clacks]

[tense music]

[door closes]

[imitates an airplane]

Coming in for a landing. Open wide!

- [grunts].
- [paint squirts]

That's a lot of paint
for one small drawing.

I decided you have enough
space here for one big drawing.

[elevator dings]

Zack, Ivy. We're off to Bavaria.

Oh, land of giant pretzels
and those short pants with suspenders!

Lederhosen.

But, yo-de-lay-he-who'll
take care of Shadowsan?

Noted. Ivy, girls' trip.

Whoo-hoo!

Boy's night! Oh, yeah!

[grunts]

Anything we should know
about a certain Madame Goldlove?

Few have met her.

But her passion for bullion
is rumored to be exceeded

only by her notoriously
cruel and vicious nature.

[gulps]

Girls' trip. Whoo-hoo.

Hello?

I thought you were going to release me?

[buzzes]

You have no idea
how happy I am to see you again.

Sorry, mate. I don't believe we've met.

Of course, I was conscious
at the time. You were not.

Do you care to tell me what
you were doing on the train from Poitiers

to Paris months ago, Monsieur Calloway?

You have the wrong guy.
I've never been to Paris or France.

And yet I saw you there
with my own two eyes.

Unless you happen to have a twin?

Not that I know of. I'm an orphan.

But I was in Sydney
at the time, hospital stay.

Having a wart removed
from your tissue of lies?

Got electrocuted on the job.
Zap! Really laid me low.

There's a pretty big chunk
of my life I don't have any memory of.

[suspenseful music]

Since Player's occupied,
I'll do the honors.

We're heading to…
the largest state in Germany, Bavaria.

[Carmen] The Alps run through the region.

They're a mountain range
that extends through Central Europe.

[Ivy] Woah! That's one wicked-sweet
storybook palace!

[Carmen]That's Neuschwanstein Castle.

Commissioned in
by King Ludwig the Second of Bavaria.

You can see why he was
sometimes called "The Fairy Tale King."

[Ivy] Oh, Bavaria's famous
for its Oktoberfest.

An annual festival
that lasts more than two weeks.

[Carmen] It began in , to celebrate
the marriage of Crown Prince Ludwig,

who went on to become
the first King Ludwig of Bavaria.

[Ivy] Zack would have
a field day with all that food.

[Carmen] Bavarian cuisine
has plenty to offer,

such as weisswurst, or white sausages.

The pretzels,
as Zack mentioned, and even...

[Ivy] Chocolate? My one true weakness.

- [splashes]
- [Ivy] Phew.

[Ivy] Wish I were nursing a toasty mug
of hot chocolate right now.

It's freezing out here!

[Carmen] It's nearly showtime, Ivy.

[Carmen] If VILE's meeting
a potential buyer for the stolen gold,

this may be our only sh*t
at letting them to lead us to the loot.

Copy that, Carm.

Just wish my earbud would stay put.

[playful music]

Gross! It's Zack's!

[gags]

[Zack] I hope you enjoyed
your brunch of bacon

and gummi grubworms
with extra bacon, Sensei.

[metal clanks]
Now, I am ready for my training.

[snaps]

[scrapes]

Or, we can watch
Rogue Vendetta : Rideshare Nightmare?

You haven't seen one
to seven? We can binge!

[clears throat]

[paper rustles]From your hospital stay.

We have records of your release…

Yet, no records of your admittance.

So tell me, how does one leave
a hospital without first entering?

Unless of course you were born there.

Furthermore, the nursing staff
has no recollection of you.

So you were either suffering
from a rare form of contagious amnesia...

Or your discharge papers were doctored,

just as your release
from Interpol Paris seems to have been.

Which I also have zero recollection of.

[tense music]

You are a walking enigma, Calloway.

Do you remember anything
from your supposed hospital stay?

It's all a blank.

But no one wants to piece together

that missing period
of my life more than I do.

He's telling the truth.

We may be able to help,

but the means I'm considering
is highly experimental.

It won't hurt, will it?

My ears are in need
of some serious disinfecting.

Ugh!

- [footsteps]
- Dash Haber.

[gulp] And he has excellent hearing.

The crow flies at midnight.

That's a secret pass phrase.
He thinks you're Goldlove.

He's waiting to hear the reply phrase.

- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm?

Uh.

Thought you were someone else.

He's obviously
never met her, so play along.

Remember, cruel and vicious.

Oh, you have the right someone.

I was too stunned
by the sight of your face to respond.

My… face?

Your silly face.

And the silly sounds
that came spitting out of it.

Phew! [slurps]

Have you never heard
the saying, "Say it don't spray it"?

I… I was only trying to clearly
enunciate the code words, ma'am.

If you think I would lower myself
to play your even sillier word games,

perhaps you should picture
yourself as my personal chew toy.

[growls and barks]

Wow. You may want to dial it back.

Oh, boy.

Look, I'm just following orders.

I need to hear
the correct reply, or the deal's off.

Auf Wiedersehen, madame.

Hugo, we are looking for someone named...

The crow flies at midnight.

But can the crow carry a tune?

"But can the crow carry a tune." That is…

the correct response.

But can the crow carry a tune?

Are you happy now, biggest of babies?

Ecstatic. Now follow me, if you like gold.

Like it? I love it. I love gold.

And you would be?

Dash Haber.

I was expecting a male operative.

She knew the reply phrase.

Do not make me tear
the nose hairs from your face.

With my teeth!

We have intel that
Carmen Sandiego may be in the area,

so there has been
a slight change of plans.

I have heard of this Carmen Sandiego.

If she were bold enough
to interfere with me,

I would cr*ck her
like a little red pistachio.

Another operative is waiting
to meet you at Neuschwanstein Castle.

Does VILE not realize
it is a tourist trap?

Do you not realize
that VILE prefers hiding in plain sight?

Come, Hugo. To Neuschwanstein Castle.

[suspenseful music]

[grunts]

[cracks]

No!

What is it?

It is… your hat.

The sight of which offends
my cruel and vicious sensibilities.

Especially from this angle.

[tense music]

- [grunts]
- [machine hisses]

- [car door opens]
- After you, madame.

[car door closes]

Ivy, can you hear me?

[machine wheezes]

Sorry to bug you
on your first day of school, Player.

Everyone, please welcome our new student.

Go ahead and introduce yourself.

Hi. I'm new here.
My friends call me Player.

Your real name, not your gamertag.

Oh, right, sorry. Hey everyone, I'm...
[cellphone rings]

Personal devices
must be turned off in the classroom.

[cellphone rings]
Sorry, Mr. Humphrey. I'll just...

[cellphone buzzes]

I'll go ahead and turn that off too.

[gadgets alarming, ringing continues]

Maybe I should go
put all of this in my locker.

[ringing continues]

[door closes, footsteps approaching]

[metal clanks]

[keyboard clacking] What's up, Red?

I lost contact with Ivy.
Any chance you can trace her commlink?

On it. But staying connected here
at school might be harder than I thought.

[suspenseful music]

[swoosh]

ROGUE VENDETTA
RIDESHARE NIGHTMARE

What was your favorite part?

The end.

[gasps] Me too!
Totally didn't see that twist coming.

Okay, time to order pizza,
then the ultimate showdown begins!

[throat clearing]

If it is a showdown that you seek,

perhaps you would
benefit from proper training.

[gasps] Ninja training?

Show me the way, Sensei.

[calming music]

The first skill a Ninja must master…

is stealth.

My body is a vessel,
waiting to be filled with your wisdom.

Mastering stealth begins
with mastering complete and total silence.

[calming music continues]

Are you sure?

Okay, feeling strong.

[inhales]

For how long?

[throat clearing]

Behold, the perfect thief.

Newly-improved,
and now completely voice-activated.

Snatch my pocket pens,
without me seeing you.

[humming]

[yells] Oh!

Oh, "bait and switch".
He's a real chip off the ol' block.

Please return my goggles,
they are prescription. Hello?

[tense music]

[machine beeps and hisses]

Do you remember
anything from months ago?

You were on a train.

[zzzzzzttt] No!

[suspenseful music]

- [panting]
- Now hear the true name of VILE.

[yells]

That's enough.

[machine powers down]

Monsieur Calloway, are you all right?

[groans]

- [thuds]
- What? No!

[sprays, cough, thuds]

Agents down!

I repeat, agents down!

[glass shatters]

[tingling sound]

[suspenseful music]

[grunts, thuds]

[footsteps]

Your palace awaits, madame.

This had better not be the funny business.

I know different lethal martial arts,

and I will not hesitate
to pound you into...

[door opens] cacao?

[machine buzzes]

Yum!

These confections are too rich to eat.

[cracks] See?

[liquids flowing]

Pure, karat gold bullion.

Melted down and encased
in the finest Bavarian chocolate.

A rather ingenious way
to smuggle gold out of the country

and into your personal vault,
wouldn't you say, Madame Goldlove?

What? Brown is my favorite
color next to gold.

Do you want to fight about it? [clanks]

Say the word.

[chuckles] I'm good, really.

Then spare the jibber-jabber
so I may take a self-guided tour.

German engineering, das ist gut.

Carm? You there? [buzz]

Sure hope boy's night
is going better than girls' trip.

How long was that?

Thirty-two seconds.

Oh, yeah! New personal best!

I mean, [whispering] new personal best.

Perhaps we should proceed
to the second skill a Ninja must master.

The Pressure Point Pinch.

- [tense music]
- [grasp]

Find the point
where the muscles of your neck

meet the base of the skull.

Right here?

Very good, now pay attention.

- [whimsical music]
- [thuds]

If you are satisfied, madame,
the payment instructions.

- [suspenseful music]
- [grunts]

[groans]

It would seem Hugo was correct.
You are clearly not Dash Haber.

Carmen Sandiego?

But, who are you?

Madame Goldlove, fool!

Oh, boy.

Then who are you?

I…

What she said! She's an impostor!

What?

Do you want to fight?

No! Why? Do you?

I mean, yes. I will mash you
into an easily mashed thing!

The silly one does not interest me, Hugo.

She is the pistachio I wish to cr*ck.

- [grunts]
- [groans]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Care to insult my hat now?

You know, on second thought,
it looks really sharp on you.

- [chuckles, grunts]
- [grunts]

[metal clanks]

- Ooh!
- Get her!

Who wants candy? [grunts]

Oh, woah!

Oh, boy.

[suspenseful music]

[grunts]

Ohh, aah!

[grunts, groans]

[grunts, groans]

[pants] Oh, fudge!

[both grunts]

[steam hissing]

[groans, grunts]

[metal clanks, grunts]

What now, Carm?

Duck and run.

[gasps]

Woah! [thuds]

[bubble, coughs]

Eww! Way to ruin chocolate for me.

- [Ivy grunts]
- [Carmen groans]

Woah!

Gute nacht, fräulein! [evil laughs]

- [Carmen gasps]
- [Siren wailing]

You tipped off the polizei?

Beats trying to deliver ten tons
of gold bullion to their doorstep.

Hey, Goldilove!

[grunts, thuds]

[screams, splatter]

Way to rock girls' trip.

[siren wailing]

[splashes, roars]

[door opens]

And that's how
the chocolate gnome crumbled.

Human error!

Indeed, Saira.

But have we not witnessed our share
of mechanical error today as well?

Since you mention it,
all your talk of gold inspired me

to incorporate the precious metal
into my precious metal.

The excellent conductivity
has really improved Roby's performance.

[buzz]

Roby the Robo-Robber?

You might say Roby now possesses
hands of steel and a heart of gold.

- [snaps]
- [smash]

It's been a while since you left
bad guys behind for the police, huh, Carm?

Not since leaving Gray
for Interpol, on the train to Paris.

And you were pretty cruel and vicious.
I need to remember not to cross you.

Who knew I had a big bad Ivy
inside me, just waiting to bust out?

[fountain splashes]

[suspenseful music]

Four, three, seven.
Four, three, seven, nine, five, two.

Four, three, seven, nine, five, two.

Four, three, seven,
nine, five, two, five, five.

[ringing, beep]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

[machine buzzes]

Voice recognition
and passcode matched, percent.

Crackle? How could he
possibly recall our distress code?

Dr. Bellum used
the brain wipe doohickey on him.

You know, before it broke.

Perhaps we should take the call
and find out what's on his mind.