02x07 - Those Old Scientists

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Previously on
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds...

CHAPEL: Uhura,

you have a textbook case
of overwork and exhaustion.

You haven't been sleeping.

It's been busy... Here.

YMALAY: You protected the timeline.

KIRK: This is a fork in the road.
Your future

and mine, diverging.

LA'AN: Starfleet has regulations

for situations like this.

PIKE: You're pirates.

It's an Orion specialty.

CHAPEL: Spock is my friend.

I have to tell you...

CHAPEL: It's complicated.

UHURA: Then make it simple.

CHAPEL: I wish we had more connection.

BOIMLER: Ensign's log, stardate ..

The Cerritos has just entered
the orbit of Krulmuth-B.

Home of the Krulmuth-B portal,

one of my all-time favorite portals.

We're taking routine portal
readings and making sure

the portal area is free
of any portal problems.

Stop. How are you so excited

for some random portal
nobody's ever heard of?

History buffs have.

It was discovered by Captain Pike

and the original crew of the Enterprise.

I-I mean, the second Enterprise,

- but technically...
- Uh, yeah. Okay,

it's gonna be like every other portal,
and we're just running scans.

Because it might do something.

Which it hasn't. In years.

Yeah, it's due.

Can you imagine
what it must have been like

to be with Those Old Scientists?
I mean, this is as close

as we'll get to Spock or Numero Una.

Don't call her that.
No one called her that.

Come on, we're gonna be standing
in the same spot as Uhura.

That doesn't get you a little excited?

Yeah, Uhura was cool as hell.
Probably because

she had a life outside of work.
You should try it.

Okey dokey, who's pumped to scan
some teleron radiation?

Ugh, you're excited about this, too?

Guys, a broken portal is just a tunnel.

I love scanning new things
for my collection.

Radiation's a super useful
form of energy.

BOTH: Ha-ha! Science!

Oh, the bar to excite you guys
could not be lower.

- Pretty great, huh?
- All right, let's just

get going. I can...
I'll brief you on the way.

Wait, you're in charge?

Yep. Job of a lifetime.

But you think portals are boring.

Why would they choose you?

Probably 'cause Ransom knew
it would bum me out.

Come on, sooner we leave,

sooner you get in
your all-important portal time.

[GASPS] Do you think
there'll be tachyons?

I can't wait to measure
some freaking tachyons!

[GRUMBLES]

♪ ♪

Okay, the ancient inactive thingy
is right over there.

Let's go make sure
it's still not doing anything.

Hey, did you know that this portal

was actually discovered by Orions?

Oh, ho, ho, Tendi, Tendi, Tendi, Tendi.

The Enterprise actually found it.

Ooh, ah, no, an Orion
science vessel did.

My great-grandmother was on it.

But, I mean, were any Orions even

doing science stuff back then?

They weren't all pirates, you know.

Somebody had to make the starships.

Oh, sorry, sorry, I didn't
meant to suggest that...

[SIGHS] Look, all I'm saying is

wouldn't that be a
historically-appropriate career

for an Orion to have back then?

Some Orions might surprise you.

All right, Boims, I know
what Starfleet tells us

and I know you know
everything about everything,

but let's maybe listen
to Tendi on this one.

Hey, guys. You're not
gonna believe this,

but I'm picking up traces of horonium.

[GASPS] Horonium hasn't been
recorded for centuries!

Oh, I can't wait to show the guys
back in Engineering this scan.

Billups is gonna flip!

You know, Starfleet used horonium

in the original NX class.

It's lightweight, it's durable,

and it's just the right shade of gray.

Yes, yes. We were all there
for that fun time

at the Starship History Museum.

Ah, I bet Spock stood right here.

"Mr. Boimler, hand me that scanner".

- [LAUGHS] That's great!
- [SNICKERS] Is that your Spock?

Yeah, I've been working on it.

Old scientists. Old starships.

You know we're here, like, right now.

Maybe live in the moment?

I know, but... [SIGHS]

sometimes I wish
I could have lived back then.

Yeah, no, thanks. I mean, right now

when I disappoint people,
it's no big deal.

But back in the past,
I'd be disappointing Uhura.

Disappointing Uhura would be cool!

I wish I could disappoint Uhura.

No, it wouldn't.
What are you talking about?

Oh, I got to get a picture of this.

Hey Boimler, this way.
Give me a Spock pose.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Live long and prosper.

Uh, guys?

The ancient thing is doing a thing.

Aah! Aah! Help! The portal's

- trying to portal me!
- Stop lurching towards it!

- [SCREAMING]
- Boimler!

Remember me!

Boimler?

Aah!

[GASPING]

What...

Uh...

You guys look...

... very realistic.

What is...

Number One to Enterprise.

We might have a problem.

PIKE: Space.

The final frontier.

These are the voyages
of the starship Enterprise.

Its five-year mission:

to explore strange new worlds..

... to seek out new life

and new civilizations,

to boldly go where no
one has gone before.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

PIKE: Captain's log, stardate ..

En route to deliver
a crucial shipment of grain

to a colony on Setlik II,

we encountered something more pressing:

a time traveler.

UNA: Mr. Spock ran
an analysis of his delta.

It's not just a badge.
It's also a communicator.

- You just press right here.
- [CHIRPS]

But flipping it open's the best part.

I like ours better, too.

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

Hi. I'm Captain...

- Captain Christopher Pike.
- That's me.

Uh, computer, end program?

Never mind. Sorry.

The portal.

Oh, my God, so, the...

That means I'm-I'm... Hello.

That means I'm really on the, uh...

- the, uh...
- The USS Enterprise.

[GIGGLES] Um, and... Okay, so...

what's the stardate, then?

..

Ah.

Yes. Five digits.

Totally normal date to be living in.

We already know you're from the future,

so no need to do what... whatever it was

- you were trying to do.
- Okay, thank God.

Because I'm seriously
freaking out right now.

I mean, I can't believe that I'm here.

Exactly how far in the future
do you hail from, Ensign?

Maybe years, give or take?

Well, you don't look a day over .

[LAUGHS]

Wha... Funny captain? What's happening?

UNA: You should hold on to this.

Don't want you accidentally
affecting the timeline

before we get the chance to send you...

- home.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

This is my Number One,

Lieutenant Commander Una Chin-Riley.

Nice to meet you.

- Mm-hmm.
- PIKE: And this is La'An Noonien-Singh,

our head of security.

If you'll follow me, Ensign.

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]
- That was weird.

- Hmm.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES CLOSED]

You don't think he knows something...

about my future, do you?

No. I'm sure he's just, um...

Huh.

Oh! It's a classic
S/COMS operating system.

Don't touch the buttons.

- Nope. No, I wasn't, no.
- Look, I recognize

this future knowledge is so boring

the chances of it
changing history are low,

but let's review
temporal protocols regardless,

- okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- One, no interfering with past events.
- Got it.

- Two, no sharing... future.
- No sharing knowledge of the future.

- Yes.
- Definitely won't happen again.

Worf's honor.

Dang it.

Last, and perhaps most important.

Don't make any attachments.

Uh, I'm actually not familiar
with that one.

Is that a recent addition?

Well, yeah, no, because it-it's advice

from personal experience.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
does-does that mean, uh...

... you've time traveled too?

A small change here,
we won't feel anything.

Yet it could destroy your future.

Your friends. Loved ones.

BOIMLER: Ensign's log, stardate, uh...

the past. So...

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm waiting.

Not really sure what
I'm supposed to be doing.

Oh, my God.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, okay, touching this can't possibly

change the future, right?

Whoa.

Riker.

[LAUGHING]

- What are you doing?
- Uh,

noth... Just, uh, you know,
it's a historical saddle,

so I'm just, um,
appraising it, um... Yeah.

Right. Uh, no judgment.

I just need this place to work.

- So...
- Wait a minute, are-are you, uh...

are you Uhura?

- Yes.
- Oh, my...

This... I'm sorry, my friend Mariner

would be freaking out right now.

Okay, that's... very weird

and I would love to unpack that,

but I have an entire ancient
language to decipher.

- So, if you don't mind.
- Wow.

You are so work-focused.

- Should I not be work-focused?
- You know what,

- forget-forget I said anything.
- [P.A. CHIMES]

LA'AN: Ensign Boimler, ready
to beam you down to the planet.

Report to the transporter immediately.

Mr. Boimler, I cannot help but notice

that you keep staring at us.

Sorry, uh, it's just that, um...

you're Spock. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
And M'Benga.

And is that a classic TS tricorder?

- It's a .
- Do you mind if...

Can-can I hold it? Just...

Thank you so much. Oh, my God.

They never improved on these.

I mean, yeah, they got smaller
and more powerful

and arguably less likely
to explode, but design-wise?

Explode, you said?

As helpful as this analysis
of industrial design is,

why don't you tell us what you were
doing when the portal turned on?

Yeah, so I was standing, uh, about here.

And Rutherford... he's another
ensign... was scanning it

and he found some traces of horonium.

Probably from here.

BOIMLER: Anyway, we took
a holo-image with our camera

that emitted radioisotopes
which seemed to set it off.

So, I guess it was just dumb luck?

[LAUGHS]

You just, uh...

you just... laughed?

SPOCK: Yes.

The thought of assigning
intelligence to chance

struck me as ridiculous.

Okay.

Does he always laugh or is this new?

It's definitely new.

PIKE: Pike to Spock,
we have a situation here.

Unidentified ship closing in.
Prepare for transport.

Landing party's back on board.

Tell them to join us on the bridge.

Captain, I think this vessel
might be Orion.

Pirates.

Yellow Alert. Shields up.

UNA: Their shields
are still down, Captain.

Weapons inactive.

Tactical analysis.

Some Orion vessels
are specifically designed

- to fool sensors.
- Perfect timing.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

BOIMLER [QUIETLY]:
Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God!

[CHUCKLES] I'm on the bridge.

NCC- dash...

nothing.

- Oh...
- What would come after the dash?

PIKE: Uhura, hail the Orion vessel.

- BOIMLER: Oh, my God...
- PIKE: Mr. Boimler?

Yeah? Yeah, hey.

Come stand here.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Ortegas. You're a w*r hero.

Uh, no response to hails, sir.

We're sure that's an Orion ship?

Oh, that's totally an Orion ship.

Classic Scout.

I built a model of one in a bottle.

It was a small ship
but a big bottle, but still.

La'An, better prepare
a full torpedo spread, in case.

Wait, wait, wait! Uh, sorry.

It's just, um,
I-I have reason to believe

that's a science vessel.

Do Orions have science vessels?

They're ignoring our hails.

BOIMLER: Well, it's kind of
considered offensive in my time

to assume all Orions are pirates.

UNA: There have been multiple reports

of Orion pirate activity in this area.

Uh, totally makes sense,
given the time period.

But what if I

happen to know...

- Careful.
- ... that's a peaceful vessel, sir.

[COMMS CHIME]

Incoming hail from the Orion ship.

- On screen, please.
- [SIGHS]

This is Captain Christopher
Pike, USS Enterprise.

Captain Harr Caras

of the Orion science vessel D'Var.

PIKE: We initially came to this sector

to aid a Federation colony.

They reported several run-ins
with Orion pirate vessels?

Yeah, that is unfortunate, Captain.

Orion pirates certainly give
the rest of us a bad name.

If that's your business,

what were you doing on Krulmuth-B?

Routine surveys.

Captain, I'm reading
a transporter signal.

The Orions have beamed up the portal.

Captain Caras, care to explain?

I suspect your science officer
to be mistaken, Captain.

I'm reading an energy spike
emanating from the Orion ship.

I think I might've made
a mistake, Number One.

You? Unheard of.

Okay, I deserve that.

I shouldn't have listened to the ensign.

That's why we lost
the portal, it's just...

rare that we have someone
on the ship who's such a...

Fan? Of you, at least.

He seems completely terrified of me.

He was so excited to see me
there for a second,

it felt like my future wasn't so bad.

I get that, Chris.

But then he goes and alters time.

I feel like I'm trying to stop a toddler

from knocking over the furniture.

[CHUCKLES]

Where's Mr. Boimler now?

- ♪
♪
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- What you got there?
- Aah!

Uh, um, hey. Nothing.

Just doing some, uh...
warp field mechanics.

As long as you're not...

borrowing it to input
any future knowledge.

No, I don't... I don't think
I did. Um, let me just, uh...

Relax, I'm just busting your chops.

- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- But seriously, you should

probably erase whatever you just did.

Aye aye, yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

Um...

So...

how are you feeling? Has the, uh,

uncontrollable vomiting come in yet?

Uh, what?

Oh, chroniton poisoning.

It's really common.

You just want to make sure
you're close to a bathroom.

[SNORTS]

Okay, are you guys both messing with me?

- What's happening?
- ORTEGAS: Yeah. Hey, what's the future like?

Do you have jetpacks or what?

- We have jetpacks now.
- I know,

but, like, smaller jetpacks.

Why don't you both tell me

what life is like on the Enterprise?

I mean, is it just, like,
nonstop excitement?

Meeting all these aliens

who are still actually, you know...

... alien?

Guess you're pretty used
to seeing aliens in the future?

Well, yeah, but...

This? Right now? This...

this is the golden age of exploration.

And you guys get to actually live it.

I mean...

I'm jealous.

So, where's Nyota?

Where do you think? Working.

Yeah, that tracks.

I couldn't even get her
to come to movie night.

Oh, if you're around on Friday,
you should come.

- Yeah.
- Uh,

is that something you're doing

for Captain Pike's birthday?

It's his birthday on Friday?

How do you know his birthday?

Well, I mean, in the future,
his birthday's a holiday.

Crap! Crap. Crap.

Please, please do not
tell La'An I said anything.

How's throwing the captain
a party gonna ruin the future?

Well, it-it could in several ways, um...

Should we throw Pike a party?

I like it. Good idea.

- I will give you all the credit for it.
- Please don't.

- Please don't put my name on anything.
- So much credit.

I have to go.

Watch out for those chronitons.

Okay, yeah.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

Nurse Chapel?

Nurse Chapel, hi.

Um, I need to talk to you about Spock.

Spock? Uh, what about him?

Well, he's, uh, acting different.

And I'm afraid it's 'cause
I did something that broke him.

Medical.

Um, what do you mean, "different"?

All I know is where I come from,

he is legendary for never smiling,

laughing, definitely no joking,

and that Spock goes on to do

really important things that

I very much need to have not messed up.

Are you really sure you should
be telling me this stuff?

No, but I-I'm worried

because I made Spock laugh.

And I keep wondering

i-is that a butterfly effect?

'Cause the Spock I know
shouldn't have done that.

Maybe he's just...

going through a thing.

You know? Like, having fun.

No, but I've read every
single book about Spock

and they-they mention
his upbringing on Vulcan,

his pet sehlat, his relationship
with his mom and his dad,

but nothing about a happy,

- smiley, jokey guy, period.
- Just stop. Stop, stop, stop.

None of this is your fault, okay?

Spock was acting like this
before you arrived.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, so this is what...
this is just, like, a phase?

And-and he'll get over it
and back to his,

like, serious, real self soon?

Oh.

You're the one who's been
influencing him, not me.

I... I-I shouldn't have said anything.

- I-I...
- No, it's-it's...

It's fine.

I never assumed that I would...

get to influence him forever, anyway.

Don't even want that.

I...

[TURBOLIFT WHOOSHES]

Maybe I should, uh,

get off the ship sooner, b...

before I, uh...

Yeah.

[DOOR WHOOSHES SHUT]

PIKE: Run me through it again.

Respectfully, sir, there
is nothing to run through.

Given a longer time frame,
I might be able

to brute force a solution,
but as of now,

there is no way to track the Orions.

Uh, I know how to track the Orions.

Didn't we talk about that?

Yes, uh, using future knowledge,

yes, I know, I shouldn't,

but, um, what if I could use it

and you guys just, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

don't look?

[LAUGHS] That's ridiculous.
We can't just not look.

Can we?

- [TOOLS RATTLING]
- [BOIMLER GRUNTING]

UNA: We sure this is wise?

No, but I'm going with it.

[PANELS WHIRRING UP]

Huh. Future Boy did it.

Just might be a second.

PIKE: Our top priority
is recovering that portal

and sending Ensign Boimler
back to his time.

BOIMLER: Just want to throw out
there that harming an Orion

could alter the timeline.

Ensign, we were extremely clear
about mentioning any...

Please, sir. One of my friends
back home is an Orion.

- And you're doing it anyway.
- She's a junior science officer

in Starfleet and her great-
grandmother's on the D'var.

If we hurt them...

It could erase her from existence.

Sir, there has to be
a peaceful solution.

And I know diplomacy

is one of your many, many strengths.

That and patience, forgiveness,

benevolence...

really great hair.

Hail the Orions.

Captain, they are charging
their warp coils.

UNA: Lock phasers on their engines

- but hold your fire.
- Phasers locked and holding.

PIKE: Time to find out if this really is

one of my greatest strengths.

Captain Pike.

What a remarkable coincidence,
running into you here.

- PIKE: We tracked you, Caras.
- Why?

We believe you may have...

accidentally taken an ancient portal.

We need you to put it back.

- Is that a thr*at?
- It's a request.

It's hard to really talk with
your weapons aimed at our ship.

La'An, stand down phasers.

Standing down.

Now, this portal...

persuade me to return it.

How would you like to be persuaded?

Give us a moment.

Ideas.

- Not you.
- Fair.

Uh, can you please tell
Captain Pike that the Orions

want to trade? They see it
as a sign of respect.

- You know I can hear you. I'm standing right here.
- Sorry,

- I thought the span of the room would, uh...
- SPOCK: Captain.

It appears they are
scanning our cargo hold.

You're carrying an extraordinary amount

of tritriticale grain, Captain.

Giving it to us would be persuasive.

You got yourself a deal, Captain.

The portal is nearly depleted
of horonium.

But I calculate there is
enough left for a single trip.

Uh, I know me being here wasn't ideal

and potentially reality-threatening, but

meeting all of you

has been one of the greatest
experiences of my life.

Thank you.

Well, it's been a...

... unexpected day
for all of us, Ensign.

But, for the sake of the future,

try not to come back.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, hell yeah! I did it.

Mariner? What are you...
what are you doing here?

- I'm saving you.
- No, no, no, no, no! No, we only had

enough for...

one trip.

Oh...

Whoa.

Wait, Boims, did I time travel?

Okay, so is Uhura here?

This is amazing. Wow.

You guys are great. But is she here?

Oh, the uniforms!

- Pike to Enterprise.
- MARINER: Whoa.

- BOIMLER: Mariner, please.
- Five to beam back.

MARINER: Ugh, ranks on the sleeve...
I don't know about that.

You see? He has the old thingy.

Oh...

PIKE: Captain's log, supplemental.

Our problems seem to have doubled.

We started our day with one time
traveler and now we have two,

which is... a lot.

Okay, not to be ungrateful,
but if you had just waited,

- like, one more second, we wouldn't be stuck here.
- Do-do...

do you know how worried I was?

You disappeared in a vortex
while I was in charge.

For all I knew you were dead

or stuck in a dystopian San Francisco
in the middle of a riot.

Have you noticed that their references

- are weirdly specific?
- Indeed.

- ... the Bell Riots, Mariner. I was...
- I'm sorry, hold up.

Look, I'm gonna keep this,
like, % profesh,

but I was thoroughly unprepared

- for how hot young Spock was going to be.
- [SIGHS]

- Yeah, he's full of surprises.
- Like, what?

The body, the face, the ears... what?

I realize we're all still all reacting

to the recent complication,

but we also very much need a solution.

One time traveler is a security thr*at.

- Two is...
- A disaster.

Thought you said they were cool.

They are. This is serious.

Spock, what's going on with the portal?

Still functioning.

But without horonium
we cannot activate it.

I am afraid Ensign Mariner depleted

- the last of the supply.
- [CHUCKLES] Well, in my defense,

that thing has, like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

zero instructions, you know?

[TABLETOP SQUEAKS]

And there is no other source of horonium

anywhere in the quadrant?

None. And there hasn't been
for over a hundred years.

Can we just cook some up?

- Will you please just not?
- Sorry.

SPOCK: The ensign is correct.

We could attempt to synthesize
horonium ourselves.

Hot Spock agrees with me.

SPOCK: However, we would be
putting ourselves in great danger.

If it goes wrong, the blast
could take out half the ship.

And there is a chance
it might not work at all.

Mm, that doesn't sound very logical.

- PIKE: We need a second option.
- Will you please just stop?

- Sorry, that's what he sounds like.
- UNA: I might have one, Chris.

The ancient text on the portal.
Uhura's locked herself

in her quarters,
working on a translation.

Maybe she'll come up with some answers.

Great.

MARINER: Oh, uh, but, you know, I have

linguistics experience.
Maybe I could help her.

I really want to say no,

but how much more damage
could you do at this point?

So, go for it.

- Linguistics experience? Really?
- No,

but it's Uhura. Don't ruin this for me.

I will end your life.

And Boimler should work with Spock.

Because he took an elective

in material synthesis at the Academy.

- I mean, you know, for-for fun.
- Yeah.

It-it's not... it's not like
Spock needs help from me.

I can use the extra pair of hands,

if Mr. Boimler is not
afraid of losing one of them.

What the...

Spock's smiling now?

Yeah, he just doesn't know how.
Just go with it.

- I don't like it.
- It's terrifying.

Mariner. Mariner!

- What?
- Why'd you do that?

Oh, okay, don't act like the
prospect of working with Spock

doesn't tick off some weird box for you.

I already worked with Spock
and it didn't...

go the way I wanted it to.

Oh, no. No, Boimler,

don't tell me you asked him
about his sehlat.

- Can you not be such a fanboy for one second?
- No, it's just...

I thought that being here
would be perfect, but...

now I just don't want to get stuck here.

- Yeah. Tough to meet your heroes, huh?
- I joined Starfleet

so I could be a part of history.

But if they can't find a way
to get us back home,

we're gonna have to go
live somewhere off the grid

where we can't affect history at all.

No, no, no, I'm not living
off the grid anywhere.

I thrive on the grid. I require grid.

- Right?
- Exactly, that's what I said. [YELPS]

What are you... Oh.

Uh... hi.

Uh, is something wrong?

Just wondering
if everyone from the future

looks at me like they know I'm doomed.

The... Oh. [LAUGHS]
Okay, so that is just Boimler.

He is probably freaked out
because you're Number One.

- I mean, he has a poster of you up in his bunk.
- A poster?

You mean, like...

a pin-up poster?

It's a poster that is pinned up.

Am... Are we saying the same thing?

You know what, I don't want to know.

Okay...

Uh...

I don't want to know.

Okay.

I probably shouldn't mention this,

but I have always admired you.

- Really?
- Yeah, I mean...

Carefree, but also this, like,

grade-A super translating
space adventurer.

Uh, too much?

Honestly, it's kind of weird
you even know me at all.

Girl, everybody knows you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What do they know?

- Um...
- Uh, actually, maybe don't tell me.

Yeah.

[UHURA SIGHS]

I mean, just that you're
good at what you do.

You know, you're hard-working,

unflappable, fearless in the face of...

a bunch of different aliens
that I'm not gonna name

or talk about too much
'cause you don't...

you haven't met them yet.

And, you know,

you also know how to have fun.

That-that's not terrible.

No.

It's... it's just a lot of
pressure, you know?

I mean, I'm ,

I've barely done anything
worth admiring yet.

And there are days, like today,

where I can't even manage
a basic translation.

And, meanwhile, Erica's all like,

"You have to learn how to have fun".

But how am I supposed to have fun

when I know I have to become
this universally-known,

super-translating, unflappable,
hard-working badass?

[SIGHS]

All right, I think
it's time we took a break.

I really don't do breaks.

Yeah, I'm starting to catch that.

You know, you're the one
who could get stuck here

if we don't figure this translation out.

Are you familiar with
Starfleet labor codes?

Maybe.

Section Alpha-dash-seven:

"Officers must take meal breaks
at regular intervals".

I could report you.

- Y-You know Starfleet codes?
- Of course.

I mean, there's
a whole bunch of them that

let you slack off a ton,
so, yeah. Come on.

All right,

we got some Orion hurricanes.

Well, kind of. They actually
didn't have any Orion delaq,

so I kind of had to improvise,

which is honestly for the best.
That stuff will

mess you up, truly ruin your life.

All right.

Ah. [CLEARS THROAT]

I like you.

You're a good bad influence.

If you're still around, you should
come to Pike's surprise party.

Cool. But only if I can
take a bunch of pictures

and weird my mom out
with a history book.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm joking. Sort of.

Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.

Why is everyone obsessed
with me taking breaks? This...

this isn't the time.

[SIGHS]

On the Klingon front

you never knew when you'd get rest.

So, you'd take a break when you could

'cause you'd never get that time back.

Work will still be here in five minutes.

Fine. Fine.

Let's relax.

[SIGHS]

Ooh, easy, that's a lot of...

I've seen these.

[UHURA GRUNTS]

Wait, you-you know these symbols?

ORTEGAS: I've seen them before.

At Starbase Earhart.

A guy tried to trade me a dom-jot set.

- What's dom-jot?
- MARINER: Oh, uh,

it's this billiard game that
Nausicaans are terrible at,

yet love to bet on for some reason.

This wasn't a traditional set,
it was old.

Ancient old.

Nausicaans...

Wait, give me a second.

Erica, you're brilliant.

This is true, I am. Why?

The glyphs on the portal
are an ancient Nausicaan dialect

that's thousands of years old.

- That's why I didn't recognize it before.
- MARINER: Oh.

That's why.

Not, you know, taking five to recharge.

Unbelievable.

SPOCK: Ensign Boimler, Nurse Chapel

- told me about your exchange.
- She did?

She did not go into detail,
but it was easy to extrapolate

that there was something
you told her about my future.

- Perhaps I should know?
- Nah.

Nah, nothing from me on the old, uh...

future-altering front.

It does not take an expert
observer to recognize

that my experiments
in human emotion trouble you.

Therefore, I must surmise
that my future state...

the one you are familiar with...

must be one in which
my emotions are minimized.

Must you surmise that?

But you did say something
to Christine that upset her.

[SIGHS] Look, all I said

was that I'm surprised that you're so...

human.

Yes, the universe needs Vulcan Spock,

if everything that I know
happens... happens.

And yet I have no choice
but to stay true

to the path I have chosen in this time.

If you sway me then my future
will have been altered.

Is that not logical?

Unfortunately, it is.

Shall we activate the synthesizer?

Sure, I mean, is-is it gonna,
uh, blow my hand off?

- [GRUNTS]
- We are separating fissile isotopes at high speeds.

The chance of an expl*si*n
is down to a coin flip.

I find myself curious about chance.

Do you feel lucky?

Uh, no, not at all. I, um...

Okay. Uh, so...

[SHRIEKING]

- Okay, is that bad? Are sparks bad?
- Yes.

Seek cover.

[SHRIEKS, WHIMPERS]

Aah!

I've ruined everything.

- [SIGHS]
- PELIA: Oh, my dear,

there is nothing quite so soothing

as a properly-calibrated warp core.

You're one of those future kids.

Was. Um...

Now I'm one of those,
uh, stuck-here kids.

Also, I'm a man.

You don't happen to know about
Setlik II... did we, uh,

find more grain for the colonists there?

"More" was never on the table.
That's all anyone had.

It was specially made
to grow in their biome.

- So, now we'll just try and...
- You're relocating them.

But they've been there for generations.

There has to be
something else we can do.

Yes. Find a time travel device

and use it to stop yourself

from messing everything up!

Thank you. That's helpful.

I look up to everyone
on this ship, but...

... turns out I don't belong here.

I mean, how can I fix
everything that I...

that I screwed up?

I'm a Lanthanite.

I've lived for thousands of years.

Most heroes I've seen...

... are just pretending half the time.

Mm. There's this one guy I remember.

He said to me,

"I always pretended

to be someone I wanted to be

until finally

I became

that someone...

or he became me".

Okay, okay, um...

all right.

- Ah.
- Whoa!

- Holy Q!
- Don't!

Don't yell Q! They haven't met him yet.

They had kind of
a Trelane thing going on.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Are you stealing a shuttle?

I'm not st... Oh, fudge.

What happened to your
new best friend Uhura?

Oh, Uhura's awesome.

Yeah, but the, uh,
the translation was a bust.

- Wait, she couldn't cr*ck it?
- No, she could.

Thank you. Problem is all it said was

- "This is a time portal".
- Crap.

- Yeah.
- This era's weird.

I know. Have you noticed
how slow everybody talks?

- Yeah, and quietly.
- Yeah.

So, what's with the shuttle?

Well, ever since I've got here,
all I've done

is open my big, stupid mouth
and screw everything up,

but if I want to be a hero,
I have to fix things.

Ooh, what are we fixing?

The Orions took grain in
exchange for the portal,

so I figured if we're gonna
be stuck here anyway,

might as well trade it back

and give that food
to people who really need it.

Doesn't that thing need to be
on Crumhat-D in the future?

- Krulmuth-B.
- Whatever.

And I'm... done

worrying about the future.

I want to help people now.

And the shuttle has a separate
communications array.

Easier to bypass security,
get a message to the Orions.

- All right, sneaky Boimy.
- [CHUCKLES]

I like it.

But you're not good
at breaking protocol.

You're gonna need an accomplice.

And I never get caught.

- LA'AN: What are you doing?
- Oh! Oh, no. - [SHRIEKS]

Sorry, sorry.

Hi.

You're lucky Uhura likes
to monitor local comm traffic

and was able to block
your signal. Over there.

It could have easily
escalated to a bad place.

I'm having you both confined to quarters

until we reach Starbase One.
Then you'll be their problem.

Lieutenant, I'd like a moment
alone with them both, please.

Sir.

- Mr. Boimler.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN, CLOSED]

For a guy who seems like
a rule-follower,

you certainly break a lot of them.

And Ms. Mariner.

I thought you were here
to save your friend,

not make his situation worse.

Look, it was all me, okay? I just...

I don't think Boimler can handle
getting thrown in the brig

by a guy who he dressed
up as for Halloween.

Oh, he... Really?

Yeah, he had to contour the hell
out of the jawline, too.

It-it was a process, yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Look. [SIGHS]

I want to ask you both

for a personal favor.

Mr. Boimler.

I heard that you've been
encouraging my crew

to throw me a surprise party.

Please stop doing that.

It's just...

you never know how many
birthdays you have left,

- [QUIETLY]: What are you doing?
- and-and...

right now, you have friends
who want to celebrate you.

While you still can.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Ah.

Think I know what you're
getting at. And I already know.

- Uh, you know about...
- You... So, you know about the whole...

- What specifically do you know about?
- Not wanting a party

has nothing to do with
what's going to happen to me.

It's about

what's already happened.

What do you mean?

My father...

we didn't get along.

Frankly, there were times
I downright hated his guts.

[SCOFFS] We never resolved things.

This is the first year

I'll be older than he was when he d*ed.

But I'd give years off my own life

if we could have one more argument.

So,

my plan was to finish this mission

then sit in a fishing cabin
on Setlik II's ice moon,

bring a good bottle of whiskey
and have that talk.

I'm sorry about your dad.

But I wonder...

if, someday, you're not around anymore,

how many people on this ship

would wish they had another day
to talk to you?

Sometimes it's hard to visit the past.

- Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to be here at all.
- Shh. This...

You know...

I can understand
what it must feel like...

the both of you coming here.

I try to think how I would feel

setting foot on Archer's Enterprise.

Oh, the NX-? Don't worry,

Boimler would freak out about that, too.

The NX-.

They don't make them
like that ship anymore, huh?

No, they do.

Captain...

I think I know how to get us home.

BOIMLER: When I first arrived,
I brought expectations

of each of you from the future.

And not only was that dangerous,

it denied the reality
of who you are right now.

So, I'd like to apologize to you all

with a limerick.

UNA: Or you could just get to the point.

BOIMLER: I don't
have to do the limerick.

I don't have to...
Mariner, why don't you...

MARINER: Okay, so, one time,
Boimler dragged me

to the Starship History Museum.

Dragged? You ran up to the doors.

No, I didn't. It was boring. I hated it.

Anyway, um, so,

they had the NX- there.
Archer's Enterprise.

BOIMLER: Yeah, yeah, classic design.
Plus it had, you know,

- the grapplers.
- Skip that part. They don't care.

- I love grapplers.
- See?

- All right.
- Anyway,

later on in the tour, they said that

ships back then actually used
horonium alloy in their hulls.

Ta-da!

So we need to dig an NX class
ship out of mothballs?

No, because the tradition is

every time a new
vessel's commissioned...

Construction starts with a piece
of the last ship to bear its name.

ORTEGAS: Meaning there should be

a piece of horonium
inside the Enterprise.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

SPOCK: Do you know
where the section is located?

- I don't, but...
- Surprise, I paid attention.

Without being asked.

This guy was distracted
by the grapplers.

- [ORTEGAS SNORTS]
- SPOCK: It is surprising

because she normally
does not pay attention.

[UHURA SIGHS]

Oh, careful with my floor. I use that!

It is illogical to assume
that you are the only one.

One, two. I can't believe

all this time, we have been walking

over a piece of history.

I'm a huge fan of Travis Mayweather.

First pilot of the NX-.

My middle school gym
was named after him.

UHURA: Hoshi Sato was on that ship, too.

You know she spoke languages?

I wrote three papers
on her at the Academy.

[DING]

Are we sounding like...

UHURA: Them?

Indeed.

It is exhausting.

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

- [BOIMLER CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR WHOOSHES CLOSED]

Hi.

Is there a problem, Ensign?

Listen, I-I may have given you
the wrong impression

about Boimler's poster.
It-it's for recruitment.

Yeah, you're the literal

poster girl/woman for Starfleet.

- Come on, come on.
- Uh...

- You should have led with that part.
- Yeah.

- This is true?
- BOIMLER: Uh, yes, sir,

Number One, sir. Uh...

It was a really big reason why I joined.

Ad astra per aspera.

They put that on the poster?

And I put it in my bunk.

I meant for that to sound
a lot more admiring than it did.

Your flagrant disregard
for temporal protocols

by telling me this is deeply troubling.

But thanks, all the same.

[DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS]

Live long and prosper, Mr. Boimler.

[GASPS SOFTLY]

Energize.

I-I'll... You also live and...

We got your message about the portal.

That was a mistake.

That message was sent
without my authorization.

I'm afraid we still need it.

I do not like having my time wasted,

- Captain.
- It's not his fault.

- It's mine. - And mine.
- LA'AN: It's true.

It's their fault.

BOIMLER: We called you because

we didn't want those
Federation colonists to starve.

Yeah, plus we were kind of going through

a quarter-life crisis type of thing.

You know, you meet your heroes,

and then you're like, "What
have I done with my life?

- I'm trash, right?"
- You went through that, too?

Absolutely. You met Uhura.
She's the total package.

- It is intimidating.
- BOIMLER: Because I was going through the same thing

- with Spock, so...
- I know. I didn't want to... - Earlier,

you will recall, I told you that

we were here for routine surveys.

Well, here's the whole truth.

That is a time portal.

And these two are
from the future, and...

- we need the portal to get them home.
- Really?

To a future where
it's considered offensive

to assume an Orion is a pirate.

MARINER: Yeah. And, actually,
you know, one of our

best friends in Starfleet
is an Orion officer.

A scientist. Although she does also

go by the name Mistress
of the Winter Constellations.

- It's very strange.
- That name.

Her great-grandmother's on your ship.

Her name's Tendi.

I have an Astrea Tendi on my ship.

How do you know that?

- Well... Yeah.
- Because we are time travelers,

as we've been telling you.
I feel like he doesn't listen.

PIKE: How-how about this.

You let us use the portal

and as far as history is concerned,

Orions discovered it.

Orion scientists.

That's all I've ever wanted.

RUTHERFORD: There they are!
Should we go get them?

TENDI: Hang on! We'll be right there!

- Oh, no, no, no, we'll come to you.
- Just, no.

It was good to meet you, Captain.

Wha...

They seemed nice.

[SIGHS] Tendi, you were right.

It turns out Orions
did discover this portal.

I know. I told you. My great-
grandmother discovered it.

- Ooh, Astrea, right?
- That's right.

But how'd you know her name?
[SHORT CHUCKLE]

Thanks for coming back
to the T.O.S. era to get me.

You picked that up from Ransom.

Why does he always call it that?

It stands for Those Old Scientists.

- Huh. They seemed pretty young to me.
- Oh!

Numero Una.

Hottest First Officer

- in Starfleet history.
- Ow!

Hey, hey! How was the mission, Mariner?

Never seen you fight to get work before.

Captain was just gonna
send cadets to that portal,

but she called dibs.

It was boring. Go away.

You fought to get this mission?

- You did it just so I'd get to go.
- No.

Ransom's just an idiot with a bad memory

'cause he sleeps facedown
like a baby. Shut up.

Huh.

When we shouted "Surprise!"
you didn't seem very surprised.

Come on, Number One. I knew.

That's why I cancelled my fishing trip.

Someone reminded me that maybe
I should celebrate with my friends.

Okay, next month for movie night,

I'm programming an Andorian comedy.

Mm-hmm. Turns out the secret
to getting Uhura to relax

is making it feel like work.

I believe you are going to be
her next project, Lieutenant.

God help me.

Mm, what exactly have we been
drinking for the last hour?

- [GRUNTS "I DON'T KNOW".]
- ORTEGAS: Orion hurricanes.

Caras gave us a bottle
of real Orion delaq,

so they're genuine.

Interesting flavor.

Does anyone else feel strange?

Why does everything feel
so... two-dimensional?

My arms don't normally do this.

My eyes feel huge. Do my eyes look huge?

ALL: Hmm... Hmm?

What the hell is in these things?!