01x02 - In God, and Nobody Else, We Trust

[bunniefuu]

- Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go!

Mine's the one with the anchovies
and the chili. Ah. Food.

Isn't it amazing?
What?

How in all this agonizing time
being separated from Jeff...

- I've never lost my appetite.
- Yeah, I've noticed that.

As desperately in love as I am,

I haven't missed a meal
or lost a single pound.

And I sleep great.
Shows you. Shows you what?

How two sensible people,
desperately in love with each other,

can make a nice
sensible agreement...

as long as they have implicit
faith and trust in each other.

How's that grab you?
Kind of.

It was my idea that Jeff and I should
date others when he's back at Princeton.

And let me tell you,
there's no question about it.

It is the only...
The only way to go steady.

- For who?
- Everybody.

Gidget, that pizza cost
a buck and a quarter.

Look how great
it's worked out for you.

You don't have to worry about
impressing me or any of that jazz...

or if I will or will not
go out with you again.

With me, you can
relax completely.

What more could a guy ask for?
You should be grateful to Jeff.

Yeah, I think I'll write
him a thank-you note.

Let's go! Hey! Hey!

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Hello, operator.
Would you please ring this number?

It must be out of order.

Because I haven't had
a call in over a week.

Not even a decent wrong number.

Granite - .
Thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, operator, it rang.

Maybe it works for you because you
have all those tricky wires and plugs.

Whereas the average boy...
I mean, person...

Could you try again, please?

Well, I've heard of
unsympathetic public utilities,

but you take the cake.

Just wait till the next time
you ask me to hold the line.

Hi.
Hi.

Did I interrupt a call?
No, sir. Definitely not.

If there's one thing you did not
do, it was interrupt a call.

What's the matter?

Dad, the luau's Saturday.
The class luau.

And I've got to go.
I'm chairman.

But I haven't even got a date.

I can't get one.
What?

Nobody, not even Siddo,
called to ask me...

or even waited for me
to ask them.

I don't know why.

Well, honey,
you're wearing Jeff's ring.

Maybe the fellas feel... Oh, no.

My conscience is absolutely
clear on that score.

I'm very open about Jeff.

All I do is talk about Jeff
and how much implicit faith

and trust we have in each other.

I let the fellas know, right off,
that I could never be interested in them,

so they don't have to waste any
time being interested in me.

What?

You and I better have a talk.

Why don't we have it over a
quarter-to- : midnight snack?

It simply
never occurred to me...

that telling a guy he couldn't
possibly interest you was unflattering.

If he's the least bit sensitive.

What, mustard?

Strawberries.
There you are, Madam.

Well, there'll be no more of
that... starting Saturday night.

Good girl.
But, Dad, who am I gonna go with?

- I told you. I can't get a date.
- Baloney.

Oh.

Out of how many boys
in your class?

I mean with our crowd.

But it might be better if I...

If the guys see me
with a different guy.

They'd be more apt
to notice a new guy...

and, at the same time,
the new me.

Now, who could I ask?

- Hey. Muzzy.
- Muzzy? Muzzy who?

- Muzzy the masochist.
- Muzzy the masochist?

- Mm. He's a Tarantula.
- A tarantula?

One of the other gangs
at school.

Well, have you ever
gone out with him?

We've never spoken a word,
but he's got a real case on me.

How do you know?

Certain remarks he makes
when I pass down the hall.

Like, "Get a load
of that hunk of nothing."

And "Why don't they put her
back in sandbox?"

Let me see.

What's the name of that gas
station where he hangs out?

Gidget, no.

But, Dad, only
to show the other guys.

Absolutely not.

But they're not the "leather
jacket, motorcycle" set.

These guys are strictly
amateurville.

They only put on a big act
so everybody will notice them.

Ergo, if everybody notices them,

they're bound to notice me
if I'm with one of them.

Ergo, absolutely no.

Before I'd let you go out with somebody
like that, I'd take you myself.

You prefer I commit
instant social su1c1de?

Go with my father?

In this day and age?

- What?
- Nothing.

I just didn't realize it was
this day and age already.

A brother wouldn't be so bad.
He could get lost in the crowd.

If only I had a brother.
Maple syrup, please.

Ketchup.

With my kind of luck,
all I've got is a nutty brother-in-law...

who's studying
to be a nutty psychologist.

Yeah. John.
John.

John.
John.

Yeah.
Why not?

The perfect solution.
Great idea.

Nobody knows him except Larue,
and Larue's out of town.

Why don't you do it?
Will Anne let him?

Well, sure.
Sure, if you put it to her right.

You know, I've got a plan. Yeah?

I think that if we get them
over here... Will it work?

Well, I think...

Ketchup on a banana split?

Beats maple syrup
on a bologna sandwich.

I don't know.
Wanna trade?

Dad's strategy was for me
to put the question to John,

but appeal to Anne.

All you have to do, John,
is just take me to a simple little luau.

You're asking me to take you to a
high school luau as your date? Me?

Well, I wouldn't ask you if I
weren't in this terrible spot, John.

And like I was
telling you, Anne,

I wouldn't be in this spot
if I hadn't been so stupid.

- Right?
- Mm, yes.

You see, honey,
your big mistake...

was to brag about all that
implicit faith and trust.

That simply doesn't exist between
youngsters like yourself and Jeff.

That's something that you only
have after you're married.

- Right, darling?
- Right.

I should have come to you for
advice from the start, shouldn't I?

Well, yes.
I could have warned you.

Well, that's the whole deal.

What's the point of having
an older and wiser sister...

if you don't
take advantage of her?

I mean, if you don't
let her help you...

and let her give you
the benefit of her experience.

Oh, Gidge, I've always
wanted to do that.

Yes, I know you have.

That's why I thought, when we go
shopping for the things for John to wear,

I could ask you a whole
lot of questions about...

- What "John to wear"? What?
- At the luau.

- I haven't said I'd go.
- What?

It's out of the question.
Ridiculous.

I wouldn't dream of going.

You wouldn't dream of going?

- Mm-mmm.
- With my sister?

- Give up?
- Give up.

Now, what sort of things
does he have to wear?

Well, we want him to look
and act like a Tarantula...

so everybody'll sit up
and take notice.

- A tarantula?
- A group of young gentlemen at school.

I don't know how to act
like a Tarantula.

I don't know how to act
around teenagers.

Nobody does.
Nobody understands them.

Just the other day,
we had a lecture about...

About what?

About how nobody knows
what their message is.

What are they trying
to communicate?

So how am I going to?
Oh, Anne, I just...

- Anne! I could find out.
- Huh?

Yeah. It would be
like research.

Like a field trip.

Actually getting out in the
field right in with them...

Seeing them,

listening to them,
talking to them.

Gee, I don't know about that.

Your term paper.

This is what
your paper could be on.

I was going to do it on
the psyche of the sow bug,

but this might be
more encompassing.

And teenagers are so much harder
to come up with than sow bugs.

True. Very true.

What do you want me to do?

Well, first you have
to learn how to mumble.

There's a certain way
to walk and dress.

Then I'll have to introduce you to
the Monkey, the Jerk and the Dog.

Fine, fine. I want to meet
all your friends.

Those are dances.

You couldn't begin to get this
anywhere but right from the source.

Dad, can I ask you a question?
Yeah.

Are you sure we know
what we're doing?

Anne and I went shopping
the next day,

then dropped in at The Shack.

Flossie, can we have two
hot-fudge sundaes? Thanks.

Gosh, I haven't been in here
since I was in high school.

- Did we get everything?
- Uh-huh.

I still can't decide whether
John ought to wear a hat or not.

You know, since I've been working with
him... teaching him to dance and all...

He's turned real cute,
downright sexy.

That's no way to talk
about your brother-in-law.

Oh, I don't mean it like that.

John would never look sexy to me,
but he will to the other kids.

You mean
your little girlfriends?

Even if the fellas don't notice
him right off, the girls will.

That's nice. Now, listen.
Don't you forget...

None of that talk about Jeff
and implicit faith and trust.

Remember that... That's only for
married people like John and me.

Hi, Gidge. Hi, Midge.
How are you?

Hi.
Hi.

Because it's only
after you're married...

Who's that?
One of the kids.

One of... What kids?

My friends.

That's one
of your little friends?

Oh, uh, isn't she cute?

Hey, Gidge.
Hi, Pokey.

I hear you're brining
new blood to the orgy.

- True?
- True.

Pokey? They call her that
because she's slow?

I don't think so.

Oh. Wait till you see the wild
lace bikini I'm gonna wear.

Great.

Come to think of it,
she is slow in algebra.

Hi, you all.
Hi, Treasure.

Ooh. Look at that.

Hi, Gidge.
Hi, Treasure.

- Treasure?
- Her real name is Eleanor Chest.

But all the boys
call her "Treasure."

Is she going to the luau too?

Just try and keep her away.

- Isn't she darling?
- Mm. Darling.

Whatever made me think that all
your friends were like Larue?

I don't know.
They're not.

No, they aren't.
Not at all.

John may not be the greatest
actor in the world.

But whatever he lacks in talent,
he makes up for in enthusiasm.

He's been in training
for three days.

As a matter of fact,
he's practically overtrained.

But he was as ready as he'd
ever be for the main go.

So, we went.

Are you ready to, uh,
make the scene?

You better know it, uh, Panther.

Oh! Panther?

That's the name I gave him.
Panther.

I'll never be able to think
of him as anything else.

Toodles.
Yeah.

Uh, after the luau.

Away we go.

To your field trip, John...
Your field trip.

Have fun, kids. Anne and I will
be the old folks waiting at home.

Fast game of Scrabble,
or would you rather play gin?

Scrabble.
All right.

I think I'm getting a headache.

- What time did they say they'd be home?
- They didn't.

Wait'll those kids
get a load of John.

Kids? Have you seen
some of those kids?

Some of her little friends?

I should be so little.

Well, what I mean is,
they're... they're darling.

They really are.
The girls, I mean.

They're probably some of
the cutest little "sexteen"...

-year-olds I've ever seen.

Mm, they are that.

You did say Scrabble?

Yes.

Only... Only what?

- Only I think my throat is getting worse.
- Your throat?

Oh, Dad, do you mind awfully
if we don't play?

No, of course not.
Would you rather go home?

Well, no.
But maybe I should.

You're not worried
about John, are you?

John? Well, of course not.
Where did you ever get that idea?

Really, Dad, if it weren't for this stupid
backache, I'd love to play with you.

- Backache?
- What did I say?

Well, so far, a headache,
sore throat and backache.

- Maybe I'm coming down with something.
- Could be.

Well, good night, Dad.
Good night, sweetie.

Hope you're feeling better.
Thanks.

Hi. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Ray. Hi, Richard.
Hi. Hi.

Everyone, I want you
to meet the Panther.

Panther Cahoogit... from Tarzana.

- Uh, is this the new blood?
- Hi, Panther.

Okay, group, we can
start blastin' off now.

The, uh, Panther's here.

Hey, he's cute.

- Yeah, where did you find him, Gidge?
- What gives?

What do you say, Panth?
Shall we mingle, mingle, mingle?

Mingle, ming... What's that?

It means circulate, circulate.
Oh.

Yeah. Uh, mingle,
mingle, mingle.

Hi, Siddo.
When'd you meet him?

Jeff know about him?
Jeff?

Jeff. "Implicit faith
and trust" Jeff?

Oh, that Jeff.
Yeah.

You giving up Princeton? No.

But no reason I can't have fun
with anybody else, is there?

No.

Right here, I'd like to say the rest
of the evening was a smashing success.

I'd like to. I'd also like to be Miss
America, the first woman on the moon,

and, if I had it to do
all over again, an only child.

Because, back in her apartment,

Anne wasn't exactly
cornering the market...

on implicit faith and trust
as far as John was concerned.

Anne decided John needed
protection from my friends.

And Dad, after he called Anne
and there was no answer,

wasn't quite ready
to make a testimonial...

about how much implicit faith
and trust he had in her.

And Dad decided we all needed
protection from Anne.

How you doing?
It's a very representative group.

Can I start
asking questions now?

Sure, but remember,
like Panther.

Oh yeah. Like, uh,
Panther, baby.

Hi.
Hi, yourself,

you, uh, female you.
Female?

Sixteen?
Mm-hmm.

I.Q.
I.Q.?

Well, I like 'em bright, babe.

Hmm. How about ?
Is that bright enough?

That's excellent.
Excellent?

Uh, yeah, for a... a classy chick
with your kind of feathers.

What about Gidget?

Right now, babe,
I'm interested in you.

Mingle, mingle, mingle!

He doesn't waste any time,
does he?

- Who?
- Panther.

He asked if I kiss
on a first date.

Well, you can't
blame a guy for asking.

Before he asks your name?

First, ask 'em their names.

- Hi, there.
- Well, what's your name?

I'm, uh, Treasure.

Say, that's
a very direct approach.

I'm a treasure. Yeah.

What's with that character?
Do I like to go to drive-ins?

Say, hey, Gidget.
You tell that crumb Shirley's my girl.

And she only goes "looking
at views" with me.

Oh.

Boy, does that guy
come on strong.

Right off the bat, he asks me...

Gr-Grunion hunting?

Hey.

Where's the action?
Over there.

Oh, thanks.
Hey, honey.

Stay away from the one
they call Panther.

They never should've
let him out of his cage.

John? John?

Anne! Anne, what are you
doing here?

Where is he?
Wait a minute, Anne.

Where is he?
Just follow that scream.

What'll we do with him? Let me at him.
I'll take care of him.

- I think we should call the police.
- Police?

Isn't that what you're supposed
to do with a Peeping Tom?

Peeping Tom?

We found him spying
on us from the bushes.

How about that?
An old man like him.

Frankly, Russ,
I'm surprised at you.

Surprised at him?

Huh! Some field trip.

You meant playing the field.

Hold it, that's my Dad.
Let him go.

And that's my husband.
Let me at him.

Come in.

I thought so.

I knew you'd still be b*ating yourself
over the head. You get that from me.

Now, Daddy, I want you to forget
all about it and get some sleep.

Forget about it?
After the mess we made?

But, it all worked out fine,
didn't it?

- So what's the difference?
- Fine?

What's fine about your friends
thinking that John's a lech,

Anne is a husband-beater
and I am a Peeping Tom?

Well, as long as they think that
about you and Anne and John,

they certainly aren't
gonna pay any attention

to anything I say about
Jeff, are they?

Oh, well, as long as it wasn't in vain.
Gosh, no.

Well, you'll be the topic of discussion
for weeks, months, maybe even...

Good night, Gidget.

Good night, Daddy.

I'll tell him tomorrow
the main reason...

why he and Anne and John will
be topic "A" with the g*ng.

'Cause my friends
aren't exactly stupid.

They know that Dad and Anne and
John were all doing what they did...

to help or protect... whichever...

And they were all
doing it out of love.

And if there's one thing
my friends and I dig,

even when it comes
from relatives, it's love.

Oh, I can't wait till tomorrow.
I'll tell him now.

Toodles.