01x10 - Go Directly to Jail

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now and
Meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ?♪

CHRIS: Bang, bang.
bang, bang.

TRACY:
You missed me.

Bang, bang, bang.
I got you then.

No, you didn't.

You forgot to reload.
You're out of b*ll*ts.

Mom, Chris is pretending
he has a g*n again.

Chris, I told you

never to sh**t
your finger at anyone.

Aw, Mom...

You now how I feel
about g*ns.

I was just trying
to wing her.

Chris...

You can't blame him.

He's just got this concert
on his mind.

[SIGHS]
I guess so.

SHIRLEY: About this time,

I was wondering
if doing a concert in prison

was such a good idea.

An inmate, Hank Beuford,

head of the Prison
Entertainment Committee,

wrote us a letter
and asked us to appear.

It seemed like a good idea
at the time.

It sure is big...

and quiet.

It's kind of scary.

Yeah,
like a library.

I wonder if I'll run into

any of my old
business associates.

They don't have
debtors' prisons

anymore.

Mrs. Partridge,
I'm Warden Yates.

How do you do?

This is our manager,
Mr. Kincaid.

Mister Kincaid.
Warden.

My family.

I'm so glad
you could make it.

I'll have some
of the trusties

unload
your equipment.

Oh, thank you.
We appreciate your help.

Not at all.

Hank, I really got
to hand it to you.

You said you'd
get them here,

and you did it.

Child's play.

Getting them here
is one thing,

but how do you know

they're gonna
talk to you?

Take my word for it.

They're gonna
talk to me,

or they're not
leaving the prison.

How do you plan
on keeping them here?

Keep it
under your hat.

I bribed a guard
to lock all the doors.

[♪♪♪]

I hope you don't mind
using the doctor's office.

Not at all.

I hope we're not putting
the doctor out.

No, he'll be busy
in the hospital wards all day.

Now, right through here
are examination rooms.

You can use them
to change in.

Oh, I wanted
a real cell.

You have a warped
sense of standards.

It's not that.

He's always wanted bunk beds.

There'll be a guard
outside the door

at all times.

If you should
need anything,

don't hesitate to ask.

We won't.

Thank you for everything,
Warden.

All right, kids, it's late.

You'd better get changed.

[DRUMMING]

Don't do that.

Uh, that's
the bass speaker.

It should be hooked up
to the number two amp.

I know it's the bass speaker,
and this is the number two amp.

Oh.

Just a helpful
suggestion.

If it wasn't
for your helpful suggestions,

I'd be done now.

Just get off my back.

Take my advice.

If I were you,
I'd take his advice.

He runs the prison.

Who are you?

I'm Hank Beuford.

I'm the one
that invited the Partridges.

So, you're the one
that got us into this.

I'm Reuben Kincaid,
their manager.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, it's very important

that I talk
to the head Partridge.

Well, I'm sorry.
They're dressing right now.

That jack goes into channel one.

I know what I'm doing.

Stop being an old lady.

It's my job
to be an old lady.

I've had it with you

and your job.

I don't take orders.

I give them.
Absolutely right.

You obviously
know what you're doing,

so you don't have
to take orders.

Don't order this man around,
understand?

If anybody gives you
any more trouble,

you send them to me.

I'll have to send them
to you.

They ain't gonna
walk to you.

That is the meanest
looking man

I've ever seen.

It's all a front.

Underneath that rough exterior,
he's rotten to the core.

Oh.

Well, I guess you can't
judge a book by its cover.

Yeah. Now, about me
talking to the Partridges...

Don't bother me right now.

I'm right in the middle
of a nervous breakdown.

[PLAYING "SINGING MY SONG"]

♪ Singing it out to the people ♪

♪ Singing it out to them all ♪

♪ Singing my song
And they're singing along ♪

♪ All of my problems
Are, oh, so small ♪

♪ All of my problems
Are so small ♪

♪ I say dum, bah-dee-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum, bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dah-doe ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum, bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum, bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-doe ♪

♪ Doo, dee-doo-doo
Doo, doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ I'm singing ♪

♪ I'm just singing ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo, dee-doo-doo
Doo, doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ This I know ♪

♪ I know
When our heart sinks low ♪

♪ So low, so low ♪

♪ We can turn to one another ♪

♪ 'Cause our love is strong
And we can't go wrong ♪

♪ Bah, dee-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum, bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-doe ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dah-
Dee-ooh-dum ♪

♪ Bah-dee-dum, bah-dee-dum
Bah-dee-dah-doe ?♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Wow, listen to that.

Yeah, I know.

It's like a walled-in Woodstock.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I can honestly say

you're the best audience
we've ever had,

but then,
we've never appeared

before a c*ptive
audience before.

[LAUGHING]

I can't imagine
what it's like to be a convict,

but I think in some real way,
we're all prisoners.

[APPLAUSE]

[PLAYING "ONLY A MOMENT AGO"]

♪ Why has the music stopped? ♪

♪ Where did
All the happy people go? ♪

♪ I know they were there
Songs everywhere ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ I only blinked my eyes ♪

♪ I only blinked my eyes ♪

♪ And now the world ♪

♪ That I used to know ♪

♪ Is changing on me ♪

♪ Why can't it be ♪

♪ Only a moment ago? ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ It was spring
And I was singing ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ I could see
Where the road would lead ♪

♪ And what tomorrow
Was bringing ♪

♪ Why has the music stopped? ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Where did all
The happy people go? ♪

♪ I know
They were there ♪

♪ I know
They were there ♪

♪ Songs everywhere ♪

♪ Songs everywhere ♪

♪ Only a moment ago ♪

♪ Why has the music stopped ?♪

Where is everybody?

Hey, you can't
come in here.

You're a prisoner.

I'm also a hospital
orderly.

How come you keep
showing up?

Who are you?

Who is he?
Who are you?

Hey, listen,

I've got to talk
to the Partridges.

They're
changing clothes.

Again?

Well, never mind.
I'll wait.

What for?

To wave goodbye?

We're leaving.

So that's it, huh?
Sing and run.

Look, I went to a lot of trouble
to get them to hear my music.

I only think it's fair
that they listen.

You managed
to set this whole thing up

so you could sell them
some songs?

Songs?

Did Bach and Beethoven
write "songs"?

I write lyrical symphonies...

but commercial.

Look, fella,

there are thousands

of Bachs and Beethovens
like you.

If I let
all you guys past,

they'd never get
to sing another note.

I'm sorry.

Okay.
I can take a hint.

Face it.

You're not gonna
get to see them.

Yes, I will.

It's time for the next step.

We're really gonna do it, huh?

Did I tell you
they ain't leaving this prison

till they see my songs?

Match.

Now?

Now.

Oh!

What's wrong?
He's had an attack.

I don't know what it is.
I better take his temperature.

You burnt my lip.

Rest and think
of antibiotics.

Where does it hurt,
son?

All over.

My body's all aching
and racked with pain,

and I think I'm getting
a blister on my lip.

He's burning up.

?

Four. .
You didn't read it right.

Am I gonna be all right, Doc?

I don't know.

Have you been around
any sick people lately?

No, but I was over in the lab,

where they're
experimenting

with all those
new dr*gs and stuff.

You went over there
without a vaccination?

What dr*gs and stuff?

You haven't
heard about it?

No.

You mean you haven't had
a vaccination either?

What's with
all the yelling?

This man has been
exposed to...

What has he been exposed to?

Well, you see, the doctors
are experimenting

with some cures
for different diseases.

What diseases?

What's wrong with this man?

We'll know that
after a few tests,

which should take
a couple of days,

but in the meantime,

I'm afraid
we're gonna have

to quarantine
the whole prison.

What?

If it's contagious, we don't
want to start an epidemic.

You mean, we're going to
have to stay here?

We can't show you
any special privileges.

That's a statement

you hear a lot
around here.

You mean, we're
actually stuck here?

Well, I am sorry.

The doctor thinks
it's probably nothing.

Maybe just the flu,

but we cannot afford
to take the chance.

How long do we
have to stay?

A day or two.

The tests should
be back by then.

That's just great.

Well, it is inconvenient,

but we can't take a chance
on spreading the epidemic.

I'm glad you understand
the situation.

We do have a problem

with sleeping
arrangements.

We can fit you
and some of the kids

into the doctor's
office...

Where am I
gonna sleep?

Why me?

Why am I the one who gets
caged up like an animal?

Because there was
only enough room

in the doctor's office

for Mom, Laurie,
and the kids, that's why.

Yeah.

Like the warden said,

there's only enough
sleeping facilities

for the permanent
guests.

But to be locked up
in a cage,

surrounded by thugs
and murderers...

Someone
had to sleep in the cell.

Would you rather it be Mom?

Of course not.

It should have been Chris.

Come on.

Well, he wanted
to sleep in a cell.

Besides,
he's more antisocial than me.

Look at the bright side,
Mr. Kincaid.

Since Mom isn't here,
we can all stay up late.

It's not bad enough
I'm locked up in a cell.

I have to be trapped
with a pre-acne insomniac.

Hey, you.

Who, me?

Yeah.

You're new in here,
ain't you?

Just got in today.

What you in here for?

Well, we're hoping
it's just the flu.

You're in here for the flu?

Well--

Hey, Joe!

They got a guy in here
'cause he got the flu.

JOE: That's what
they all say.

I'm in here
for mumps myself.

Hope you get better.

Hey, it's a kid.

Hey, Joe, it's a little kid.

Don't tell me.

Hey, I'll bet he's in
for adult molesting.

No. I'm in here for the flu too.

Well, we hope it's nothing
worse than the flu.

If it's your
first offense,

they might
let you off with flu.

Maybe they'll
drop the charges

to a common cold.

Hey.

You guys sure got
a rotten lawyer.

Either that
or a rotten doctor.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, take two Aspirins
and go to prison.

All right,
all right.

Lights out
in minutes.

Lights out
in minutes.

You'll have
to excuse me.

I have
to make my bed.

What's the matter?

Didn't the maid
come today?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Are all these cells
locked?

Sure.

You're sure?

Positive.

You're not funny,
fella.

Hey, don't forget to tuck in
the bottoms of your blankets.

[LAUGHING]

Don't pay any attention to him,
Mr. Kincaid.

All these lifers
like to poke fun.

I'm not paying
any attention to him.

Help me tuck in

the bottoms
of my blankets.

You know,
this really isn't bad.

No, it's great.

Cozy room. Good company.

Wish I lived here permanently,

so I could ask
for a stay of execution.

No, that trusty, Hank,
gave me some songs he wrote.

They're really pretty good.

Wonderful.

Who needs songs about how
to commit armed robbery?

They're love ballads.

A couple of them are so good,

I think we ought
to record them.

Listen to this.

[PLAYS A CHORD]

♪ I try
In so many different ways ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ Just the words
That I mean to say ♪

♪ I sing from my heart ♪

♪ But we're
So far apart ♪

♪ And all my love
Is here in my song ♪

♪ But then, you don't believe
In love songs ♪

♪ Love songs ♪

♪ You say my song
Cannot be true ?♪

[CLAPPING]

Hey.

Play "Born Free."

I'm going to bed.

"Born Free."

Hey, that's funny!

Yeah. Do it again.

Do it again.

This bed belongs in a prison.

It won't go straight.

[CHUCKLES]

It won't go straight.

[LAUGHS]

Can I have some
more syrup, please?

After me.

Can I have some
more hotcakes?

And I hope you had
a pleasant night.

Oh, very
educational.

I've discovered
there is a negative side

to communal living.

I gather you had
an unpleasant night.

It was all right,

if you don't mind
sleeping in the round.

Did you look at my songs?

Yeah, I did, and I liked them.

He even wants us to record some.

You're kidding.

I can't believe it.

That's more than I
could have hoped for.

Not if they're as good
as Keith says.

When did Western Union
start sending "pancakegrams"?

What is it?

A note.

What does it say?

It says, "Partridges,
if you try to get away with it,

"you won't...

live long enough to regret it."

Let me see that.

It's a threatening note,
all right.

What is it

we can't
get away with?

This must be some
kind of bad joke.

Maybe so,
but I wouldn't take any chances.

You should leave the prison
right away.

I vote for leaving.

We can't leave.
We're under quarantine.

Don't worry about that.

Well, I would say
it's definitely an obstacle.

Not really.

You mean the tests
have come back

and there's no epidemic?

Uh, well, the, uh...

test results
haven't come back yet,

but there's no epidemic.

How would you know that?

Don't get mad, but I had
to keep you here long enough

so you could look at the songs.

You mean
you faked this whole thing?

You're getting mad.
You're darn right I'm mad.

Have another flapjack.

Why? So you can give me
another installment

to your
threatening letter?

I swear I don't know
anything about that.

Somebody in the kitchen
must have put that in there.

I believe him.

Oh, you believe him.

He's been lying to us
since we got here.

Well, he...he looks
like he has an honest face.

An honest...?

Do you know where we are?

If Hank didn't write the note,
then who did, and why?

Maybe someone
has us mixed up

with another
Partridge family.

It doesn't matter.

We're leaving now.

I'm going to
tell the warden

that his epidemic
didn't pan out.

Is the warden's
office close by?

Yes, ma'am.

It's just
around the corner.

Thank you.

You got a match?

No, I don't.

[WHISPERING]
Don't scream.

[WHISPERING]
Why should I scream?

Because I'm about
to thr*aten you.

Oh.

Did you get my letter?

So you sent that note.

Is this some kind of joke?

The note wasn't sealed
with a kiss, was it?

No.

Just maple syrup.

What's this all about?

I don't know how you
got a hold of my songs, lady,

but you ain't
gonna get away

with stealing them.

Your songs?

I heard your kid singing them
in the cell last night.

You claim to have written
those tender love songs?

You saying I ain't tender?

No.

Those suggestions
I made about your act, lady.

You'd be smart to listen to me.

I'm telling you,
I wrote the songs.

Why would he claim
he wrote them?

It must have leaked out
that you're gonna buy them

and he just wanted
to cash in on a good thing.

Only a crook would do
a thing like that.

Haven't you heard?
The place is full of them.

You got
to believe me.

I need that money.

I'm getting out of here
in a few months,

and that money would
help me get a new start.

Don't let Max
cheat me out of that.

Hank, we have to have
a little family conference.

I think that's a nice way
of saying, "Get lost."

Oh, I'm always trying
to get lost,

and the guards
are always finding me.

I hope
we believe you.

Thanks, kid.

Well?

I'd like to believe
Hank wrote them.

I'd like to believe Max did.

I thought you were
afraid of Max.

I am.

That's why I vote
we buy the songs from him.

Actually, there's no way
of knowing.

We can't be sure
who wrote those songs.

I vote for Hank.

I vote
against Tracy.

REUBEN:
I vote for breaking

out of this joint.

LAURIE: You're
a reactionary.

With both feet.

Maybe there is a way.

What's the idea?

We'll put each of you
alone in a room

for a couple
of hours,

and see which one
writes a song.

I'm willing.
I've got nothing to lose.

You've got your face
to lose.

WARDEN:
That's enough.

Are you going to do it or not?

I don't like it,
but I'll do it.

Hmm. It isn't bad,

but it's not really
the quality

of the other songs.

Sorry, but it takes me
more than two hours

to work up
to my genius stage.

Here's mine.

Hmm.

This is beautiful.

I knew you'd like it.

In fact, it was my favorite song
when it first came out in .

You must be mistaken.

The only other song
I knew all the lyrics to

was "The Old Rugged Cross"

and I figured you knew that.

Nice try, Hank.

I told you I wrote them.

I'm very sorry we doubted you,

but we still want
to use the songs,

and I promise
you'll get full credit.

I don't want to give those songs

to anyone.

I wrote them for my girl, Rosie.

Just for her.

But they're so beautiful.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind
if they were published.

Look at it this way.

The cons
aren't gonna respect anyone

they got to sing along with.

That's true.

They'd hum him
right out of prison.

I have a simple solution.

You could use another name.

Lady,
that's what I'm in here for.

You can do it legal.

You just got to avoid names
like Nelson Rockefeller.

No one would know?

You don't have
to tell anybody.

I think Rosie
would like

to have her songs
on the radio.

Lady, you got a deal.
Good.

I'll make arrangements
with the warden.

Listen,
if you can't think of a name,

you're always welcome
to use mine.

[WESTERN PLAYING
ON TV]

Mom, am I
doing this right?

You'll waste less material
if you cut the sleeves this way.

[KNOCKING]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

I said it first.

Never mind.
I'll get it.

Hi.
What brings you here?

I just got back from prison.

Picked up Max's contracts.

Great.
How was he?

Got wonderful news.

The warden pushed up
Max's parole.

He gets out next month.

Oh, that's
marvelous.

There's more.

At the first possible date,

Max and his girlfriend Rosie
are getting married

and we are invited
to the wedding.

Oh. When's the wedding?

Oh, seven months, two weeks,
and three days.

You said they were getting
married as soon as possible.

Well, they are.

Well, that's the day
Rosie gets out of jail.

Rosie's in jail.

[LAUGHS]

[REUBEN
STOPS LAUGHING]

Well...

[♪♪♪]