01x12 - My Son, the Feminist

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

[VACUUM WHIRS]

[VACUUM STOPS]

[VACUUM WHIRS]

[VACUUM STOPS]

[SIGHS]

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[VACUUM STOPS]

[VACUUM WHIRRING AGAIN]

Oh!
[VACUUM STOPS]

Hello?

Uh, Mrs. Partridge?

This is George Clauson,

the principal
at the high school.

Oh, yes, Mr. Clauson.

Uh, is anything wrong?

Tell me, The Partridge Family
is a musical group, isn't it?

Yes.

Uh, are you, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Are you politically committed?

Uh, no.

Well, good, good.

Look, Mr. Clauson,
what is this all about?

Would you mind telling me
why The Partridge Family

is scheduled to appear
at a rally for POW?

POW?

MR. CLAUSON:
P-O-W, POW.

Power of Women...

It's a, uh,
women's liberation group.

Oh, yes,
I think I've heard of them.

Well, uh-- some of our
more, uh, militant girls

want to form
a chapter here at school,

and they're holding a rally
in the park next Monday.

And we're supposed to appear?

Yes, so...

so these posters say.

And, uh,
in rather large type.

Did you know
about this?

Look, Mr. Clauson, I--

I don't mean
to seem vague about this,

but obviously someone
has committed us,

and as soon as I find out
who and why, I--

Mrs. Partridge.

Mrs. Partridge, there...

there are some members of a,
of a group here in my office.

Uh, they call themselves
the Morality Watchdogs.

And, uh,
they seem rather concerned and--

I was wondering if I might
bring them by your home

so that you could explain
your position.

Well, I'd be most happy
to see them, Mr. Clauson,

as soon as I find out
what my position is.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Did you know we're
supposed to sing

at a women's liberation
rally next Monday?

For our regular price?

I have a suspicion
it's for nothing.

Not on your life. We sing,

we get paid.

Then you didn't commit us?

Are you kidding?

It was probably Laurie,
our official radical crackpot.

Mom?

In here, honey.

Ask her point blank.

What makes you so
sure it was Laurie?

If it walks like a duck,
and it talks like a duck,

it's probably a duck.

Is this all the mail?

Yes.

I was expecting my first issue
of Liberal Outlook.

Talks like a duck.

Have you seen these?

Well, she still walks
like a duck.

Danny was so sure
you were the one

that committed us.

Are you serious?

At least I'd bring it up
for a vote first.

[CAN POPS OPEN]

Besides, I haven't made up
my mind about POW.

I want to see
where they stand

on the gut
issues first.

Actually, I think
they're fragmenting

the revolution.

You suppose somebody just put
our names on these posters?

No... I don't think
it was just somebody.

I think it was Keith.

You mean my son is a feminist?

No, but his new
girlfriend is.

Tina Newcomb.

You're a pretty lucky
woman, Mrs. Partridge.

Most mothers
have to worry

about dr*gs
and v*olence.

All your ding-a-ling son
thinks about are girls.

No mail for me?

What are you looking for?

[SIGHS]

Oh, nothing.
Just a plain brown envelope.

Keith, can I talk to you
for a minute?

I'm in sort
of a hurry.

This won't take long.

Why don't you sit
down for a minute?

What is this?

Nothing,
nothing at all,

but anything you say
may be held against you.

Raquel Welch.

That's an old joke.

So I'm not a good comedian.

Maybe you are.

This is pretty funny.

Oh.

Judging by your feeble "oh,"

we know you know something
that you're not telling us.

So why don't you
clear your conscience

and tell us all about it.

Look, kids,
this is a discussion,

not a purge.

Okay, Keith,
let's discuss your guilt.

Danny.

If it walks like a duck,
and it talks like a duck...

Keith, kidding aside,
what do you know about this?

I did sort of promise
we'd be there.

Keith, you didn't.

Up till now,

we've always voted
on things like this.

Now, I know
that one man, one vote

is a radical concept,
but--

That's right...
so you promised Tina,

but you should have
consulted us first.

You made it sound
as if we all believe in POW.

But they've got
a lot of good ideas.

Maybe, but if we sing
for one group,

we'll have to sing
for every group that asks us.

For free?
Not on your life!

I think you better have
a talk with Tina.

In her case,
man-to-man talk.

Oop, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Helping you down is
a meaningless,

descending ritual.

It's a meaningless,
condescending ritual.

Yeah, I'll get it straight.

Tina,
I want to talk to you.

I've been trying to talk
for the last four hours.

I know, I know,
but that was at the drive-in.

Now I really want
to talk.

Okay, let's talk.

Listen, you really
jumped the g*n on that rally.

I did?

All I said was I'd try
to persuade the family.

You shouldn't have
put our name on those posters

until it was set.

But we had to get the posters
out in time for the rally.

I didn't know that then.

I didn't think
there'd be any problem.

Does your family have something
against sexual equality?

I don't think so. The family's
made up of two sexes.

Anyway, the point is,
I said I promised we'd appear,

and that's
not exactly the truth.

Look, I'm really sorry,

but the important thing is
you're gonna be there.

The ends justify the means, huh?

I'm really disappointed
in you, Tina.

I thought you had more respect
for our relationship than that.

Well, you're
not just interested in me

as a girl.

I'll, uh,
tell you a secret.

Actually,
I'm in love with my guitar,

but I'd look ridiculous
taking it to a drive-in.

Good night.

Hi, honey.

Did you have
a good time?

Yeah, sure.

LAURIE: Keith, we have
a booking problem.

Abby Hoffman called
and so did Lester Maddox,

and they both want us to play

on the same night.

Very funny.

Did you talk
to Tina?

Yeah, sort of.

Does she still expect us
to sing?

Well, sure, we both do.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Look, all POW wants

is equal rights, equal pay.

Maybe Keith's right.

Really?

You've
gotta be kidding.

I'm not crazy about
how you got us into this,

but I've checked, and
I think it's a good cause.

And it's about time
this family got itself

committed
to some cause.

Christmas seals.

Danny, if we
don't appear,

people are gonna think
we're copping out.

I'll cop out.
Christmas seals.

What's your vote, Mom?

You're gonna vote "no,"
aren't you?

Danny, I haven't really decided.

I'd like to know
more about POW.

Boy, when Mr. Kincaid
gets here tomorrow,

he's really gonna
blow his stack.

Danny,
Reuben wasn't coming here.

Did you call him?

I think I'll stand
on the Fifth Amendment.

Oh... I only hope
I can speak to him

before the Morality Watchdogs
get here.

Reuben is so excitable.

The Morality Watchdogs
are coming here?

Tomorrow.

Oh, Mom.

We should have
a long talk

about the kind
of people

you're hanging
around with.

MAN: Everybody, calm down.

WOMAN: ...and
it's outrageous!

If we want
our daughters liberated,

we'll liberate them!
CROWD: Yeah!

WOMAN # : What's wrong
with being a housewife?

[CHATTER CONTINUES]

Now, ladies and
gentlemen, please,

you're not giving her
a chance to talk.

Mrs. Partridge.

First of all,
can't we all step inside

and discuss this calmly?

Calmly? Is she trying
to be funny?

You can't scare us.

No daughter of mine's
gonna dig ditches!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
please!

Are you trying
to turn our girls into boys?

It's bad enough that our boys
are turning into girls,

with all that long hair
nonsense.

It's a plot.

I don't think that's what POW
has in mind.

What do they
have in mind?

A lot of things.

WOMAN: And what
does that mean?

It means my daughter's gonna
compete against me,

digging ditches!

Your daughter doesn't want
to dig any ditches, sir!

Hey, cool it, Mom.

All they wanna do
is to throw out

that phony
double standard

and stop women
from being treated

like second-class
citizens.

I knew it, I knew it.
It's her fault. She reads.

MAN: I'll tell you
what I think.

I think you all
better go back

where you came from.

This is where we came from!

Look, we're not trying
to convert anybody.

They just asked us
to sing at a rally.

Yeah, well,
you sing at that rally,

and you'll regret it.

What do you mean?

It'll be the last happy day
you spend in this town.

Oh, really?

You know,
after meeting all you people,

I've changed my mind.

We're going to appear!

Our farewell performance.

You're the most narrow group
of people

I've ever met
in my whole life.

You're welcome to come
to that rally,

but you better bring your own
keyhole to peep through!

WOMAN: You can't
talk to us like that!

MAN: Who does she think she is?
WOMAN: What does she mean?

CLAUSON: All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

I think that's enough
discussion for today.

We'll continue
another time.

[♪♪♪]

What?

My mother,
the activist.

We're singing.

Shirley, as your manager,
I have to warn you,

if this furor gets
into the paper...

We're singing.

You could antagonize
half your public.

We're singing.

Haven't these people heard
about free speech?

Yeah, free speech is great,
until it's someone else talking.

You're sure you know
what you're doing?

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

I forgot how much
coffee I put in here.

Hey, Mom, you were really great
out there.

I was?
Mm-hmm.

We're even thinking
of sending you to Washington.

Or Berkeley.

Look, since we're all

putting our lives
on the line for Tina,

don't you think it's
about time we met her?

Yeah, sure.

Why don't you invite her
to dinner tonight?

Okay... if you'd like.

We'll try and make
a good impression.

Listen... um...

I think I better
warn you about Tina.

She takes the movement
very seriously.

And women are discouraged
from having careers.

We're supposed to get married,
become housewives,

and wait around
for the babies to come.

I think it's a little more
than just waiting.

Yeah.
Well, that's right.

You don't just wait?

Is there something
I don't know?

It's that stork part.

TINA: The family unit
is decadent.

It's only pleasurable
and beneficial

to the husband.

Don't you think you ought
to have a husband and family

before you make that statement?

REUBEN: Well,
let's face it,

everybody has
a mother and father.

It's an unwritten law.

Nobody wrote that law,
did they?

Uh, what Tina means is--

I can speak for myself.

The family unit
dehumanizes a woman.

It makes her
nothing more than a drudge

and a child-bearer.

REUBEN: Well,
there's your basic flaw.

Man has never had a baby.

I never met a man
who wanted to have a baby!

Why should women be stuck
if men wouldn't do it?

Maybe she's right.

I'm not ready
to be a mother.

It's been
an enjoyable evening,

even if you do
have male hang-ups.

Well, I'm glad I don't
have female hang-ups.

Me too. I'm not plucking
my eyebrows for anybody.

Would one
of you fellows mind?

Why, sure. I don't
hold grudges.

Oh, that's okay,
Reuben.

Thanks, Keith.

Huh, like the good book says,

"The Lord helps those
who help themselves."

Good night.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I never realized
that applied to coats.

She certainly doesn't
mince her words.

Either did Chicken Little,
and look what came of that.

Well, good night, Tina.

Keith, are you mad at me
about something?

Me?
Are you kidding?

[SIGHS]

Aren't you gonna
walk me to the door?

I don't know.
I've been thinking.

It's sort of a
condescending gesture.

It is?

Well, you never walk me
to the door.

I mean, if I'm really
committed to the movement,

the most I should do
is stop the bus.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, don't you want
to kiss me good night?

Actually, Tina,

I've been thinking
about that too.

Don't you think that's
sort of using each other

as objects?

I mean, me using your lips,
you using mine.

It is?

Well, those are
your words,

except for the "your
lips, my lips" part.

Are you sure
you're not angry at me?

Why would I be angry?

Good night.

I'll see you at the rally...
won't I?

I promised I'd
be there, didn't I?

I'm a man of my word,

if you'll pardon
the expression.

Sure.

Well, I'm glad you're
being so liberal about it.

Good night, Tina.

Good night, Keith.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

Well, there's our fans.

Yes.

Kids, don't sign
any autographs.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, hi.
We're getting quite a crowd.

Yeah, I know.

We were greeted
by a bunch of them

when we came in.

I'm kind of mad at you.

You were pretty rude
to me last night.

Really?
I didn't mean to be.

I was only treating
you as an equal.

Are these the songs
you're going to sing?

Yeah. What's wrong with them?

These lyrics,
they're so anti-woman.

"I love you"?

It's just something
men say to appease women.

I'm sorry,
but you can't sing these songs.

What?

Look, this is a women's
liberation songbook.

You can just--
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, you liked
our songs well enough

to put our names
on that poster.

I didn't know what you were
going to sing last week.

Now, look, Tina,
you're working for a cause,

and that's great,

but nobody,
nobody censors our material.

Censorship is not the path
to equal rights.

Look, this isn't
your rally!

You'll sing our songs
or else--

Tina, you can't listen to
anyone's viewpoint but your own.

You're as bad
as those Watchdogs.

You can't say that to me!
Wrong.

Not only can I say it,
but I should've said it sooner.

You can take your songbook
and index it. We quit.

Pack up and go.

Mom...

I'm way ahead of you.

Keith,
where are you going?

You can't just walk out.
Why not?

You didn't want
to do this concert

in the first place.

Look, Keith,

first you committed us
without asking us,

and now you're walking out
without asking us.

Do you think that's fair?

Look, she wanted
to censor our material.

Now, that's wrong.
Yes, it is.

but POW hasn't censored us.

This is some little game
between you and Tina.

Well, I'm sorry
I got everybody into this.

So am I, but the family
must act together.

The rest of us can't allow

one small group to scare us
out of our right to free speech

or free singing,
whichever the case may be.

But I can't go on,

not after what just happened
with Tina.

Honey, I understand
how you feel...

but don't you see,
we feel we must go on.

How about it?

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

And we will not falter
until we achieve our goals.

Equality in the home,

on the job,
and in the government.

Thank you.

I do have one announcement.

Due to technical difficulties
beyond our control,

The Partridge Family
will not appear today.

[MURMURING FROM CROWD]

However, Miss Bancock,
the girls' phys ed coach,

has agreed to step in
and tell us about her crusade

to get women
into professional hockey.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

What are you doing here?

I said we'd play,
didn't I?

Well, you also said you quit.

Well, you can't believe
everything I say, can you?

You're gonna sing our songs?

No, we're gonna sing
what everybody came to hear.

You wouldn't dare!

You just can't walk out here
and assert your manhood--

I'm not asserting anything.

Some people came here today
to hear us play,

and we're not gonna
disappoint them.

So are you gonna
introduce us?

No! Who do you think you are?
You just can't wa--

One, two--

I think it would be nice
if you introduced us.

One, two, three, four--

[PERFORMING
"I THINK I LOVE YOU"]

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Partridge Family.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ I'm sleeping ♪

♪ And right in the middle
Of a good dream ♪

♪ Like all at once I wake up ♪

♪ From something that keeps
Knocking at my brain ♪

♪ Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head ♪

♪ And spring up in my bed ♪

♪ Screaming out
The words I dread ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ This morning
I woke up with this feeling ♪

♪ I didn't know
How to deal with ♪

♪ And so I just decided
To myself ♪

♪ I'd hide it to myself ♪

♪ And never talk about it
And didn't I go and shout it ♪

♪ When you walked
Into the room ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you
So, what am I so afraid of ♪

♪ I'm afraid
That I'm not sure of ♪

♪ A love there is no cure for ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ Isn't that
What life is made of? ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Hey, I think I love you
So, what am I so afraid of ♪

♪ I'm afraid
That I'm not sure of ♪

♪ A love there is no cure for ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ Isn't that
What life is made of? ♪

♪ Though it worries me to say ♪

♪ I've never felt this way ♪

♪ Believe me
You really don't have to worry ♪

♪ I only want
To make you happy ♪

♪ And if you say
"Hey, go away," I will ♪

♪ But I think better still ♪

♪ I'd better stay around
And love you ♪

♪ Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face ♪

♪ Do you think you love me? ♪

♪ I think I love you
I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ♪

♪ I think I love you ?♪

[CROWD APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES]

SHIRLEY: Keith,
dinner's on the table.

Coming.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi, Tina. How are you?

Yeah. Hey, am I gonna see you
later tonight?

Good, good.

What?

You're kidding.

No, uh-uh,
I don't know anything about it.

Look, let me find out
what this is all about.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Okay, who booked us to perform
for the Morality Watchdogs?

Well, I didn't
exactly book us.

Danny.

I just said

I might be able to
talk you into equal time.

Fair is fair.

Why didn't you
ask us first?

This group is supposed
to be a democracy.

Now, I know that
one man, one vote

is a radical concept,
but--

They're putting posters up
all over town, you know.

Fair is fair.

Besides, the Watchdogs
are paying us.

What's fairer
than that?

You're exploiting us.

Do you know
what the posters say?

"The Partridge Family
sings out

for old-fashioned
decency."

And there's
a jitterbug contest!

DANNY:
But they're paying us.

TRACY: What's
a jitterbug?

DANNY: It's a caterpillar
with hiccups.

LAURIE: Now don't try
and joke your way out of this.

DANNY: Who's joking?
They're paying us.

You don't have to agree
with them to let them pay us.

[♪♪♪]