01x16 - Old Scrapmouth

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now

And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better

Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her

If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben

To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together

When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now

And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better

Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪♪

Still no Lori?

No.

She's more than

a half-hour late,

and I don't think it's fair

for her to keep us waiting.

No, it isn't,

but this time,

let's let it slide.

DANNY: I've got

an idea.

Let's beat her up.

It's good for morale.

No jokes, please.

Look, Lori's in

for some bad news,

and it's up to us

to help soften the blow.

What is it?

What happened to her?

This morning,

Dr. Kessler told me

that Lori has to wear braces.

Oh, no. You're kidding.

You mean the whole bit?

The railroad tracks?

Transcontinental.

Oh, no.

Poor Lori.

So, you see,

she needs all the help

she can get.

I know.

We'll make her see

the bright side.

All kids with braces

have never had a singer

to identify with before.

This could be

the high point of her career.

Nice try, honey,

but it won't work.

Here she comes.

Ah, look, kids, I--

I want to talk

to Lori alone,

so could you find

a reason to leave, please?

Yeah, okay.

Sure, Mom.

Okay.

I'm sorry I'm late.

It's all right, honey.

Did Jerry ask you

to go steady?

He lost his nerve,

but he's gonna

try again tomorrow.

Well, I'm sorry you're

not going steady, honest.

I-- I better go get--

some sheet music.

I've got to go throw

knuckleballs.

I have to go make mud pies.

I'd better make sure

my pet lizard

has plenty of flies.

What happened?

I thought we were

supposed to have a rehearsal.

Let's you and I

have a little talk.

How do you think

she'll take it?

The braces?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Lori's cool.

She can handle it.

Yeah, but Lori's a girl.

She's gonna take it hard.

I just hope

she doesn't get hysterical.

She won't.

She'll be brave.

Six months?

Oh, honey, I know

this is a shock for you.

And I'm not gonna

try and kid you

by saying it won't make

any difference

in the way you look,

but isn't it better

to wear braces for six months

and have beautiful teeth

for the rest of your life?

When do I get them?

Tomorrow, : .

That's when

I'm supposed to meet Jerry.

Lori's very mature.

Mature people

don't get hysterical.

She'll be brave.

It doesn't matter

how mature women are.

They still get goofy

about how they look.

I think

she'll be brave.

Hysterical.

Brave.

Hysterical!

She was both.

Stop that.

Hey.

Here comes Jerry again.

Again?

He's walked by here

at least times today.

What's he doing?

He's hoping

he'll see Lori.

It's the old,

"Hi, Lori.

What a coincidence.

I just happened

to be passing by," trick.

Some coincidence.

Guys in love are crazy.

[HONKING]

Here he comes.

JERRY: Hi.

BOTH: Oh, hi.

Just happened to be passing by.

Is Lori here?

No, she's

at the dentist.

Oh.

Well, that's where

she said she was going

when she broke our date,

but I just thought

something might be wrong.

No, not exactly.

The dentist

is gonna give--

Ah, is gonna give her

a check-up.

I'll have her call you

when she gets in.

Thanks.

Well...

See you.

Bye.

Okay, what was

that all about?

Lori said she wanted

to tell him about

the braces herself.

But why?

It's not like she has

a terminal disease or anything.

It doesn't matter.

She said she wanted

to tell him.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mr. Kincaid.

How are you doing, Reuben?

What are you doing

in town?

Kids, I have great news.

That's good, because

we have bad news.

Oh? What's your bad news?

What's your great news?

I asked you first.

Why is it,

whenever I get

with you kids,

I descend

to your level?

Oh, all right.

The good news is that

The Wayne Burgess Show

is taping in San Francisco

this week,

and I've convinced them

to come down

and tape a segment right here.

The Partridge Family

at home.

Hey, that's terrific.

It sure is!

Mr. Kincaid?

That's a masterstroke.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Danny.

I'm learning.

Now, what is your bad news?

Lori's at the ornithologist.

Why? Has she got a sick bird?

He means the orthodontist.

Oh.

She's gonna have to wear braces.

Poor kid.

At her age,

that's gonna be rough.

Well, we'll just have to

make her see the bright side.

Bright side?

Yeah.

All those kids out there

with braces on their teeth.

They never had

a singer to identify with.

This could be a high point

in her career.

That's exactly what I said,

Mr. Kincaid.

You know,

we think a lot alike.

I know.

And sometimes it scares me.

Well, they're back.

Okay, kids, come here.

Come here, quick.

Okay now, look.

We shouldn't mention

Lori's braces, right?

ALL: Right.

Right.

But don't be

overly nice either.

Okay. Just treat her

as rotten as you normally do.

Okay.

REUBEN: Okay.

Reuben,

what are you doing in town?

Shirley,

I have great news.

We're gonna be

on the Wayne Burgess Show.

Right here in our house.

Reuben,

that's wonderful.

When is it?

Tomorrow afternoon.

Isn't that

fantastic, Lori?

We're gonna be seen

on nationwide TV.

Oh, no.

I didn't mean

to make her cry.

I've got to go

and apologize to her.

Honey, the best thing to do now

is just leave her alone.

She's pretty upset.

Do you think she'll do the show?

You don't have to worry

about Lori, Mr. Kincaid.

She won't let us down.

Strange.

That's what Caesar

said about Brutus.

Lori?

Has anyone heard

Lori talk today?

She hasn't said a word

since she left

the dentist's office.

Hasn't even opened

her mouth.

It's too bad

grown women don't wear braces.

It would sure make

the divorce rate drop.

She has to open

her mouth now.

She has to eat.

Hi.

Can I talk to you

for a minute?

Look, honey,

there's no reason

to be so down

in the mouth.

I'm sorry.

It was a bad choice of words.

Lori, the kids

want me to tell you

that they're willing

to cancel the show

if you don't feel up to it.

Mr. Burgess is gonna have

a hard time replacing us.

It's pretty late.

Honey, I know

how you feel.

But you're gonna

have to wear those braces

for six months.

We can't cancel

all of our engagements.

And you can't

just stop talking.

Women aren't built

that way.

And you can't

just eat soup.

Sooner or later,

you're gonna get a noodle

caught in your straw

or something.

Oh, Mom,

what am I gonna do?

Well, that's a step

in the right direction.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SHIRLEY: Lori,

would you get that?

I'm not dressed yet.

Okay, Mom.

Hi.

I'm Wink Burgess, superstar.

Here's an autographed

picture of me.

This is Tommy Phillips,

our producer/director.

Pay no attention to him.

I'm the one with the profile.

And you must be

Lori Partridge.

Oh, what a beautiful

young girl.

And you're so lucky

to be this close to me.

I realize I'm early,

but where is everybody?

Oh, well, Mom and the kids

are upstairs changing

and Keith and Reuben are

in the garage

bringing in the equipment.

Oh, that's great.

How long have you been

talking into your hand, anyway?

Well, here's

an autographed picture

for each of them.

They'd look nice

on that wall.

Yes-- One long row of me.

Why don't we take

a few publicity sh*ts

while we're waiting?

Great idea, Tommy.

Great idea.

Come on, now,

give us a smile.

A nice, big smile.

Oh, come on.

You can do better than that.

No, come on,

come on, Lori.

Give us a nice, big smile.

Oh, get those down.

Give us a nice, big smile.

Come on, now.

Give us a big smile.

Come on,

let's see some teeth.

I can't.

What happened?

Hi.

What a coincidence.

I just happened

to be passing by.

Lori?

I've got to ask you this

while I've got my nerve up.

Would you...

go steady with me?

I can't do that either.

Lori?

Did she tell you yet?

Tell me what?

I can't tell you.

Okay, keep moving, keep moving.

We haven't got all day.

Can I have a lighting--

Over here.

Would you

come over here...

That's right, uh,

this one.

Work this one

and plug that in.

You don't have to do

that now.

Watch the light.

Watch the light.

All right.

Okay. Listen.

Here, here, here,

here, here.

Okay, can I have--

Come on, come on, come on.

Relax for a minute.

I want to get

a rehearsal on the song.

Well, we can't

put it off any longer.

You can do it,

can't you?

Sure.

Nothing to it.

Nothing to what,

Hmm? Hmm?

Why does she talk

into her hand?

That's not natural, you know?

It's nothing, really.

It's just that

Lori just got braces,

and she's reluctant

to open her mouth, that's all.

A singer who won't sing.

Isn't that wonderful?

I could've booked

a militant priest

who demands Sundays off.

I could've booked

a leather craftsman

who hand-tooled

his wife, but no.

WINK: I book

a singer who won't sing.

REUBEN: Oh, she'll sing,

and with no hands.

Good.

WINK: Hey, come on.

Let's get on with it

before she changes her mind.

Okay, uh,

let's go through it

without singing the lyrics.

The soundman wants to get

a level on the instruments.

Anything.

Let's just get on with it.

We're running late.

Okay, okay.

One.

Two.

Three.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

A doorbell? A doorbell?

We're doing a TV show,

and we're interrupted

by a doorbell?

My mother told me

not to become a superstar,

but I wouldn't listen.

Why, I'm-- I'm sorry,

Mr. Burgess.

Wink.

Wink.

Bill, come on in.

Hi. Am I late?

No, no.

You're just in time

for rehearsal.

Uh, this is Dr. Kessler,

our dentist.

I invited him over

to watch us film the show.

Mrs. Partridge,

this is a TV show,

not a block party.

Dr. Kessler, this is Mr.--

Charmed, charmed,

but we're a little bit

behind schedule.

Here, here--

Put this over your heart.

It prevents warts.

Come on.

Let's get on with it.

Why don't you sit down

over here?

Okay. This is a rehearsal,

and instruments only.

All right.

One, two, three, four.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[PIANO PLAYING OUT OF TUNE]

[MUSIC PETERING OUT]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Lori, what's the matter?

I don't know.

There's a funny buzzing

in my ears.

Well, I--

I'm sorry about this,

Mr. Burgess.

I really am.

Me too.

I could've been

interviewing

a man who takes

aerial photographs

of Kate Smith.

But no, I have to

listen to you.

I'm on a diet.

Let's try it again.

Okay.

One, two, three, four.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PIANO PLAYING WRONG NOTES]

Wait a minute,

wait a minute. Hold it.

Lori, this is a / count.

I know,

but my mouth is playing / .

That doesn't make any sense.

I know

you're not gonna believe this,

but I can hear music

in my mouth.

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful.

I've found a girl

who has a mouth for music.

Lori, what kind of a story

is that?

I don't know.

I-- I can hear music

in my mouth.

I think it's the Rolling Stones.

Lori, I'm on your side,

but the Rolling Stones

don't make personal appearances

in a person's mouth.

Honey, you did agree

to do this, remember?

I did agree,

and I want to do it.

I'm not making it up.

You don't believe me, do you?

Excuse me.

This could be

the Piebald Syndrome.

No, I'm sure

it's the Rolling Stones.

DR. KESSLER:

But the Piebald Syndrome

is when the metal in your mouth

collects radio signals.

You're kidding.

No, not at all.

It happens quite often,

but usually with fillings.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

For a while,

I didn't believe it.

Lori, can I listen

to your mouth?

Is there anything

we can do about it?

Oh, sure.

I could remove

the braces,

but that would take

about three hours.

In three hours,

I shall be in Los Angeles,

interviewing an ex-Trappist monk

who inscribes graffiti

on the head of a pin.

Why don't we go around

asking everybody

to maintain radio silence

until we're through

with the show?

That's not a bad idea.

Braces aren't the best

receivers, are they?

And they usually pick up signals

quite close by--

Hundred, yards.

Well, then, what

are we waiting for?

Here-- Phillips!

Take some men and go east.

Mrs. Partridge,

you and your family

fan out across the street.

You-- technicians,

grips, gaffers--

take the houses behind.

I'll go stand

in the street

and meet my public.

Okay, men, action.

Hi.

What a coincidence.

I just happened to be passing by

and I nearly

got trampled.

Hey.

You're all right,

aren't you?

I mean, you're not

gonna be sick?

Hey, your radio.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

It's playing the same thing

my mouth is.

I beg your pardon?

It was you.

Lori!

Did you know

you have braces?

I'm sorry.

I meant to break it to you--

eventually.

Hey, Lori, it really doesn't

make any difference.

It doesn't?

No. You're still you.

I mean,

you're a beautiful person,

even if you do have

an ugly mouth.

Oh, gosh, I--

I didn't mean that.

I mean, there's lot of

good things about having braces.

You can strike a match

on your teeth.

I don't mean that either.

Boy, I'm really blowing it.

I need braces on my head.

Oh, thank you, Jerry.

You're welcome, but what for?

You made me smile.

Mom? Reuben?

Everybody, come back.

I've solved the problem.

All right,

clear back there.

You're in the shot.

Clear back.

Okay, let's do it.

You ready?

All right, hit it.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ I try in so many

Different ways ♪

♪ To say just the words

That I mean to say ♪

♪ I sing from my heart

But we're so far apart ♪

♪ And all my love

Is here in my song ♪

♪ But then you don't believe

In love songs, love songs ♪

♪ You say my love

Cannot be true ♪

♪ And if you won't believe

In love songs, love songs ♪

♪ Then tell me

What to sing for you ♪

♪ My song has a soft

And simple beat ♪

♪ All the lines don't rhyme

But the words are sweet ♪

♪ I think that we'll find

If we take just the time ♪

♪ The love we'll have

Won't ever be wrong ♪

♪ But then you don't believe

In love songs, love songs ♪

♪ You say my love

Cannot be true ♪

♪ And if you won't believe

In love songs, love songs ♪

♪ Then tell me

What to sing for you ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL]

♪ But then you don't believe

In love songs ♪

♪ Love songs ♪

♪ You say my love

Cannot be true ♪

♪ And if you won't believe

In love songs ♪

♪ Love songs ♪

♪ Then tell me

What to sing for you ♪

♪ But then you don't believe

In love songs, love songs ♪

♪ You say my love

Cannot be true ♪

♪ And if you won't believe

In love songs ♪

♪ Love songs ♪

♪ Then tell me

What to sing for you ♪♪

Well, thank you

for inviting me over, Shirley.

It was quite an experience.

I'm certainly glad

you were here.

We wouldn't have

had a show.

Dr. Kessler,

my family almost missed

this performance because of me.

Is there any chance

it could happen again?

It's doubtful, but it might.

Can't anything be done?

Yes, but it would mean

a sacrifice for you.

What kind of a sacrifice?

Well, I could remove the braces,

but you'd have to wear

a night brace.

A night brace?

Yeah, you know,

the thing that wraps

around your face.

Oh.

DR. KESSLER: You'd only have to

wear the braces six months,

but you would have to wear

the retainer every night

for two years.

Just at night?

That's right.

Oh, Dr. Kessler.

You may like it,

but I don't think

Jerry's gonna be too thrilled.

Why?

When you and Jerry

go to a drive-in,

now you're gonna

have to watch the movie.

Oh!