01x21 - Partridge Up a Pear Tree

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now and
meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪♪

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, how's she look?

Like the loser
in a demolition derby.

What do you mean?
It's beautiful.

How long
has your son

been having
this delusion?

Ever since
he bought it.

Oh.

Reuben,
don't criticize.

All teenage boys

still have
one sacred cow,

their car.

What's the matter
with it?

It keeps you broke.

Besides that.

It brings down
property values

in the neighborhood.

Reuben, I know
you're in a hurry.

Keith can bring
the groceries in.

Thanks for the lift.

Okay.

Uh, I don't mean
to be fussy,

but I wish you wouldn't
put things on my car.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, but you're
absolutely right.

Why, I might have
put a scratch

in one of your dents.

Hmm.

See you.

Reuben, uh,
I was wondering,

could you loan me
bucks?

I can't make
my car payment.

I'm still waiting
for the bucks

I loaned you
last month.

Did I borrow that
from you?

Unfortunately.

This month,

you're gonna have to
find yourself another pigeon.

No.

Mom, this is
an emergency.

It's an emergency
every month.

I've loaned you

all the money
I intend to.

Is that final?

That's final.

No.

Absolutely no.

But why not?

Because I already own
more of that car

than you do.

I loaned you the money

for the spare tire,
the jack,

and the car door

that fell off
on the freeway.

No.

Laurie...

Uh-uh.

Hiya, Chris, old buddy.

How'd you like to go
for a ride in my car?

I'd love to go for a ride
in your car, Keith,

but I'm not gonna
give you any money.

What are you looking at me for?

Nothing, nothing.

DANNY:
Come in, Keith.

How'd you know it was me?

I've been expecting you.

[♪♪♪]

Come on, Danny,

how'd you know
it was me?

Everyone's been
running around the house,

hiding their money.

I knew it'd just be a matter
of time till you got to me.

Well, I...

I am a little short this week.

A little short?

You owe money

to everyone in this town
with pockets.

I know, I know.
Are you gonna loan me

the bucks or not?

Sure, as soon as
you sign this paper.

Come on, Danny,
you're not gonna

make me sign
an I.O.U., are you?

That comes later.

This gives me
the power of attorney.

What's that?

The right
to handle your finances.

From now on,
I'm your business manager.

Forget it.

I may be desperate,

but I'm not
out of my gourd.

Okay.

Now, wait. Wait.

Can't we talk this over

or something?

Why do you want
to handle my money?

Since you're the oldest,

you're gonna be
handling the money

for the whole family
some day.

Well, I don't want
my entire career in the hands

of a financial
incompetent.

The whole idea

is to teach Keith how to be
financially responsible,

how to hang on to his money.

Keith, are you sure

you know
what you're doing?

I have no choice.

It's the only way

I can make
my car payment.

If you got rid
of your car and Carol,

you'd have plenty of money.

Who could live
without a car or a girlfriend?

I could. I do it all the time.

Well, you could
get rid of the car,

and if you fix it up a little,

they might even
accept it for scrap.

[LAUGHING]

You're talking
about the car I love, Laurie.

Don't push me.

I think it's your car
that needs pushing.

[LAUGHING]

You know,
you're the only guy in town

who's under
constant surveillance

by a tow truck.

Boy, I wouldn't have to take
all this abuse,

if I only had some money.

Do you really need money
that bad?

Worse.

Well, I have cents
in my piggy bank.

You can have that.

Keith...

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

KEITH: Danny?

Danny, I need two bucks.

Not a chance.

The gig
is only miles from here.

I figure I'll take the Hudson.

It'll be a good chance
for me to break it in.

That car was broken in in .

It's only two bucks.

Are you kidding?

Two bucks
wouldn't buy enough gas

to back that thing
out of the driveway.

Look, it's my money.

You told me
you want to save up enough money

to take Carol
to the school prom next month.

I'll never be able
to save it up for you

if you don't quit
nickel-and-diming me.

I'm not nickel-and-diming you.

I need two bucks.

Get on the bus,
you guys.

We're gonna be late.

Mom, I want to talk to you
about taking my car.

Get in.

We'll talk about it on the way.

[SINGING
"YOU ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND"]

♪ Wake up in the morning
Feeling all right ♪

♪ Till I recall... ♪

♪ You're gone from my life ♪

♪ And I stare like a dummy
Against the wall ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Since you've been away
Oh, yes, I am uptight ♪

♪ It's a fact of my life ♪

♪ I guess I'll try to fight ♪

♪ I could be so good for you ♪

♪ If I had that right ♪

♪ If I had that right ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Are always on my mind ♪

♪ Have I got to go
Through this old life ♪

♪ Day after day and find ♪

♪ You there on my mind ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba
Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Are always on my mind ♪

♪ Have I got to go
Through this old life ♪

♪ Day after day and find ♪

♪ You there on my mind ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I don't understand you
At all ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ Still a lot of good love
In our lives ♪

♪ For us to share ♪

♪ You might think it's sad ♪

♪ But I'm together now ♪

♪ Yeah, you laugh, huh? ♪

♪ I know it's true
I'm much better now ♪

♪ You ought to come on by ♪

♪ And see for yourself
Just how ♪

♪ I'm much better now ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Are always on my mind ♪

♪ Have I got to go
Through this old life ♪

♪ Day after day and find ♪

♪ You there on my mind ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba
Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Are always on my mind ♪

♪ Have I got to go
Through this old life ♪

♪ Day after day and find ♪

♪ You there on my mind ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba
Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Are always on my mind ♪♪

Come on, Danny,
it's two lousy dollars.

You'll just spend it
foolishly.

I do not spend
my money foolishly.

Oh, yeah?

Tuesday last,

you bought Carol
a friendship ring.

The second one
in a month.

Well, it's not my fault

the first one turned
her finger green.

Friday,

$ wasted

on a spotlight
for your car.

I think
that's a good investment.

When his car breaks down,

he can use it
to signal for help.

By the way, Danny,

when will Keith be able
to pay us the money he owes us?

Well, if I
have it my way,

he'll be able
to pay us off

in about a year.

A year?

If Keith
has it his way,

we'll have to wait

for the reading
of his will.

I'm telling you, Mom,

Danny is driving me
up the wall.

I don't dare
cut myself shaving.

I won't have enough money
to buy a styptic pencil.

Well, that's a problem
you only have to worry about

once every two or three months.

I'm serious, Mom.

I've got a red-headed
albatross around my neck.

Honey...

I know this is hard on you,

but Danny's only trying

to look out for
your best interests.

Well, if you call
ruining my whole life

in my best interest,

you're absolutely right.

You said you knew
what you were doing

when you made
this deal with Danny.

Well, I thought I did.

Things have gotten
way out of hand.

I have a date with Carol
on Saturday,

but Danny says I'm broke.

Now, what am I supposed
to tell Carol?

You might simply
tell her the truth.

Mom, you don't
understand women at all.

Hey, I got some
great news for you.

You're resigning
as my business manager?

Nope. Even better
than that.

I was going over your books
and I found some money.

Now you can take Carol
to the movies Saturday.

Hey, that's great.

As long as it doesn't
cost more than a dollar.

A dollar?

That's ridiculous.

There isn't a movie
in the world

that two people
can get into for a dollar.

Oh, yes, there is.

Boy, I haven't been to
a kiddie matinee since...

well, since
I was a kiddie.

Great idea, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I don't know

why we didn't
think of it before.

Name one other
movie in town

where you can
talk out loud

and not have
people complain.

I can't.

I can't remember
the last time

I saw a Lash LaRue movie.

I'd almost like
to come back next week.

I'd like to see
how Flash Gordon

escapes from
the Dirt People.

Oh, he throws
water on them,

and they dissolve
and become a quagmire.

I saw it
last week on TV.

How do you like
the popcorn, Carol?

I popped it myself last night.

The whole bag only cost
nine cents to make.

You know, it's not so bad

when you pick out
the burnt stuff.

Oh, here, want some?

No, thank you.

Ashes upset my stomach.

Keith, why did we go
to a kiddie matinee?

Well, like I said,

I thought
it might be fun.

You know,

you have to admit
it was different.

Is everything
going all right?

With the group, I mean.

For sure. Great.

You know that.

Well, you know,

sometimes a group
will make a...

a big hit for a while,

and then they'll sort of...

slide.

Well, we're not sliding.
Not yet anyway.

What brought that up?

Are you in some kind
of financial trouble?

I don't know where you got
an idea like that.

Come on, Keith.

The kiddie show,

home-cooked popcorn,

old Halloween candy.

If you have one fault,

it's that you spend
too much money,

and now, suddenly, all this.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

I don't know
what makes you say that.

Look, Keith,
if it's none of my business,

just say so,

but don't go on lying to me.

Me? Lie?

Look, what's so unusual

about going to see
a Lash LaRue movie

every once in a while?

Keith,
once you told me that if...

if two people
have to lie to each other,

then they don't have

much of a relationship.

Well, I think
maybe you were right.

Carol, wait a minute!

[ENGINE WHEEZING]

Where are you going?

I'm going
to catch Carol.

[ENGINE WHEEZING]

[WHEEZING CONTINUES]

Your battery's dead.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Do you want me to push?

I don't think anybody
will see your spotlight

in the daytime.

Keith, would you mind
moving your car?

I want to get
the station wagon out.

I got to finish
one thing first, Mom.

What one thing?

The transmission.

I'm draining the sawdust out.

How long's that gonna take?

It's hard to tell.

It doesn't flow.

It just sort of
oozes out in lumps.

There's always the bus.

Why don't you take that thing
back where you bought it

and have them fix it?

Too late.

The Gold Guarantee
has already expired.

But you haven't had
that car days.

It's hours, or miles,
whichever comes first.

In my case,
the hours came first.

Hard to push a car
miles, dear.

Mom, you know

how much I've been
looking forward

to taking Carol
to the prom.

That's all I've heard
for months.

Well, can I borrow
bucks so I can go?

I thought Danny
was gonna see

that you saved
enough money.

He was,

but he hadn't planned

on my generator
and my voltage regulator

going out on me.

I don't understand it.

Every night at
the stroke of midnight,

that car turns into a lemon.

How 'bout the loan, Mom?

Look, Keith,
I don't want to turn you down,

but you could have
had that money

if you really tried.

You can't expect
to go through life

having things given to you.

You have to work
for what you really want.

But I can't
disappoint Carol now.

That would finish
our relationship for sure.

You should have
thought of that before.

Look, you've tried everything
but the obvious.

Oh?

Get a job.

I'm almost finished,
Mrs. Busby.

I'll have your disposal fixed
in another half-hour.

Whoo.

She complains
about how long it takes.

I could have been
finished an hour ago

if she hadn't spent
so much time

telling me
how long it takes.

Guess what, Mr. Jenkins.

I finished fixing
the disposal for you.

You don't know anything
about plumbing.

That's why
you're? my? trainee.

Well, I just wanted
to show you

how fast I learn.

Look.
Hah!

[GURGLING]

The water's supposed
to go down the drain, kid.

Now, here's
the bit, kid.

I'll teach you
the spiel

and how to handle
a slicer.

Then I send you around
to department stores

to make the pitch.

Ever work
with a cucumber before?

Can't say I have.

Here's the pitch
you make to the pigeons.

Yes, sir, folks,

this handy-dandy
vegetable slicer,

it dices, it slices.

Twice the slice, twice as nice,
in half the time.

Watch.

Here's the part

that really
hooks the pigeons

every time.

Folks,

this little darling
does something

that'll truly
amaze you.

It can turn
an ordinary radish

into a beautiful
blooming rose.

Truly amazing.

As you can see,

what was once
an ugly radish

is now a tasty rose.

Turn all your dull vegetables
into a flower garden.

Eat 'em, frame 'em,
stick 'em in a vase.

How would you like
a beautiful radish?

Did you memorize all that, kid?

I... I don't think so,

but it really is groovy.

I bet my mom
would go crazy

over something
like this.

How much is it anyway?

$ . .

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Well, that's it.

The combined take-home
from all those jobs

comes to only $ . ,

and that includes
severance pay.

That's not too bad.

At least you're
solvent again.

Not exactly.

When I subtract the cost
of the water damage

to Mrs. Busby's kitchen,

and the plate-glass window.

Oh, yeah,
and your vegetable slicer.

Thanks.

That was very
thoughtful of you.

Anyway, subtracting
those things,

I'm $ in the hole.

You know, if you keep up
the hard work,

you might owe
your first million

before you're .

Boy, I can't do
anything right.

Honey,
you can't give up

just because
you've made mistakes.

You can do anything
you want to do,

as long as you're willing
to keep trying

and not afraid
of making more mistakes.

Almost everything we know

is learned
by trial and error.

You really think so?

I know so.

Maybe, but that still
doesn't help me now.

After all that work,

I still don't
have enough money

to take Carol
to the prom.

Maybe I can lend you--

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't take it now.

I owe so much money,

I'll never
get out of debt.

I just can't borrow
any more,

but thanks.

You know, maybe some good
has come out of this.

You just showed
a twinge of responsibility.

Yeah, well,

I wish I were
responsible enough

to know what
I'm gonna tell Carol.

She's gonna hate me.

You could always
tell her the truth.

Mom, I can't do that.

She'd never believe me.

You might try.

And our money is put

into a trust fund
for college.

Some rock star, huh?

I'm broke.

Right now I haven't
got enough money

to buy you a soda.

I know that must sound

pretty hard
for you to believe.

Keith, sometimes,
you are so dumb.

Of course I believe you.

You do?

I don't care
how much money you have.

Or don't have.

All I care about is you.

Oh, and by the way,
I'm not gonna be able

to go to the prom
tomorrow night.

Why not?

My boyfriend doesn't have
enough money.

[LAUGHS]

That doesn't mean

I'm gonna let you
out of the date.

Um, I think
they're gonna re-run

that Flash Gordon
serial again

on TV tomorrow night.

How'd you like

to see the Dirt People
get theirs?

I wonder where Keith is.

It's not like him
to miss dinner,

or any kind of food,
for that matter.

DANNY: Don't worry.

He should be towed up
any minute now.

Keith, where
are you--?

Don't tell me.

You got another job.
Selling caskets.

Oh, waiter,

Another cup
of coffee, please.

Okay, okay.

Make all your jokes now
and get them out of the way.

Did you know you look
like David Niven?

Except your hair
is longer,

you don't have
a moustache,

and you're ugly.

Keep it up,

but here's the bucks
I owe you, little brother,

in hard cash,

and I hereby
dismiss you

as my business manager.

Let's see, Laurie,

here's your money.

Uh, you no longer own
the spare tire, the jack,

or the door
that fell off on the freeway.

And, Reuben, paid in full.

I know you'd rather complain
than have the money,

but that's life.

And, Mom,

it's all there.

And now, if you
will excuse me,

I have to go
pick up Carol.

We don't want to be
late for the prom.

But wait a minute, Keith.

DANNY:
I demand an explanation.

Why did I get my money back?

I'm entitled.

Keith, where did you
get that money?

Well, I sold my car.

You what?

Hey, he's telling the truth.

There's only
a grease spot in the driveway

where the car used to be.

What made you do it?

Well, I had a long talk

with Carol,
like you suggested,

and I found out
I'm a pretty lucky guy

to have a girl like her,

so I decided
the least I could do

was take her to the prom,

so I sold my car.

I know how much
that car meant to you.

That was a very big thing
for you to do.

Yeah, well,
I'll have another car some day,

but the next time,
I'm gonna wait

till I can
really afford it.

Boy, no more borrowing for me.

I'm through.

Well, I got
to get going.

See you.

Bye, honey.
Have a good time.

Okay.

See you later.

I'm sorry,
I almost forgot.

Can I borrow
the keys to the bus?

That's my property.
That's my property.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's a regular
stop for me

every time I go
around the board.

And the two
most expensive properties,

with a hotel on each one.

You owe me...

$ , .

The same amount I paid

the last four times
I landed there.

Pay up.

Danny, I'm a...

I'm a little short.

How 'bout a loan?

Sure.

All you have to do
is sign this document,

which gives me
the power of attorney.

You're a terrible businessman.

Hey, Mom!

Keith.

What happened to you?

Just wait'll you see
what I bought.

What is it?

Come on out and see.

Mom, you'll
never believe

the deal I got.

It only cost me
bucks.

Hey, whoa! A motorcycle!

Wow!
Wow!

Well, it must run
pretty smooth.

I didn't even
hear you ride up.

Well, I didn't
exactly ride it up.

I... I pushed it up.

It doesn't run yet,

but for a couple
of hundred bucks--

Keith, I forbid it.

You'll k*ll yourself
on that thing.

Well, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

Think you can
lend me bucks

for a crash helmet?

[GROANS]

I don't believe it!