02x04 - Uncivil Warriors

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[DISTANT expl*si*n]

The general.

[TRUMPETING]

Gentlemen, our position
is very precarious.

Unless our Secret Service
can get the information

as to the enemy's plans,
we will be forced to retreat.

Colonel, what operators
have we here?

Operators , and .

Good. We are fortunate.

Gentlemen, they are
the very brains

of the entire Secret Service.

Summons them.

[TRUMPETING]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

[YELLS]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

GENERAL: Attention.

Oh.

Ooh.

That's a coincidence.

Operator .

Oh.

Operator .

[ASCENDING TONES,
HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH]

Ugh. Operator .

[SNAPPING]

[DISTANT expl*si*n]

What happened to Operator ?

He swam across the river
and died of Potomac poisoning.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Ah!

[GRUNTS]

Men, our army is in danger
of annihilation.

Unless we know
the plans of the enemy,

our cause is lost.

Sir, here are the uniforms

we took from
the enemy prisoners.

Good.

We have captured three
of the enemy's officers,

and you are going
to take their places.

Well, you will don
their uniforms.

We'll give you
their credentials,

and your names will be, uh:

Lieutenant Duck,

Captain Dodge

and Major Hyde.

Now, I want you three men
to bring me back

the necessary information,
providing you get back.

[ALL BICKERING]

LARRY: We'll divide it.

We'll divide it up equally.

Well, do you remember
your names?

[COUGHS] MOE AND LARRY: No.

Duck, Dodge, Hyde.

[GRUNTS]

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

Attention. Attention!

Whoa.

Avast, there. Shiver my timbers.

Ship ahoy.

Heave to on the port side.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I wonder
if this is the right place, lieutenant.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I
reckon this is the place, captain.

What do you-all say, major?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, as
there's no other place around the place,

I reckon this must be the place.

I reckon.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Oh!

How deep is
this here river, major?

[NORMAL VOICE] It ain't deep.

Look.

See?

It ain't-- Agh!

[WHOOPING]

Man overboard.
Man the lifeboats.

We'll have the preservers
in a minute.

We'll have you out
in a moment, sir.

Easy, major. Whoa.

You're frightening Clementine.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

What's the matter?
What happened?

I was lost, all by myself.

Let me see your hand.

Ow!

I'm-- I'm getting tired
of this army.

I'm getting tired
of both armies.

Oh!

Oh, thanks, boys.

If you hadn't
of held that branch,

it woulda k*lled me.

Oh, another sentry.

Remember the password.

Go ahead.

Oh.

What happened?

Nothin'.

Oh.

Follow me.

Halt.

Advance and give
the countersign.

ALL: Cumberland.

That's only for the first line.

So it is.

Charlie gives it
for the second line.

Charlie?

Sure, everybody knows
Good Time Charlie.

He walks like this:

Hey, wait!

Look, another sentry.

Do your stuff, lieutenant.

Spread out.

That way.

Why you...

Halt.

Advance and give
the countersign.

Cumberland.
And Charlie walks like this:

Halt.

What seems to be
the trouble here?

Well, he doesn't know
the countersign.

He's not supposed to, I reckon.

Do you know who this is?

No. Who is he?

I, uh-- Tell him, captain.

Why, yes, um...

he's a gentleman of the South.

Of the South.
Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Yes, sir. Hallelujah.

Never mind,
I'll take care of him.

Hey, you-all looking for me?

Why, no. Who are you, stranger?

I'm Charlie.

You know,
the fellow walks like this:

No, you're the wrong Charlie.

The Charlie we're looking for
walks like this-a:

[ALL LAUGHING]

I've got a better one
for the colonel.

What is it, major?

There were three men
in three beds,

only had two blankets.

How'd they keep warm?

I don't know.
How did they, major?

They turned on the heat.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

See that? Yeah.

Oh!

See that?

Ooh.

By, uh, the way, colonel,

I think we ought to have
about , men down here.

Oh, don't make me laugh.

We've only got , .
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah.

[COLONEL LAUGHS]

LARRY: But I reckon we
ought to have about

heavy pieces of a*tillery,
don't you think?

Oh, that's where we fooled 'em.

We've only got pieces.

Eighteen pieces, a mere handful.

COLONEL [LAUGHING]: Yes.

Let's forget business,
gentlemen,

and, uh, freshen up our juleps.

Sure, the colonel is right.

Let's have a nip and tuck.

What's that, major?

Well, one nip and they tuck you
away for the night.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh! Ugh.

Colonel, uh, have we--?

Yes, we have plenty
for everybody.

Here you are. Heh.

Took enough of that stuff.

[POURING DRINKS]

And that'll be the last time--

Whoo-uh-hoo!

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

I was burning up.

Do you know what that paper was?

Hot.

Hello, Daddy.

Oh, hello, dear.

I'm baking a cake all by myself.

Oh, that's fine, dear.

By the way, gentlemen,

let me introduce
my daughter, Judith.

Would you-all care to partake

in my cake when it's done?

We-all would sure love it.

Lead us to it.

[CURLEY YELLS]

MOE: I baked a cake once,
but it fell and k*lled a cat.

Major, how about
another nip and tuck.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, Charlie.

Message, sir.

[CURLEY WHOOPING]

This is serious.
COLONEL: What is it?

I can't see so good
without my glasses.

Well, what does it say?

"Official communication

to Colonel Buttz,
Q.X. Division."

Ha--

[WHOOPING]

Well, what did it say?!

It's about the Union Army.

W-w-what was it?

All Union soldiers are now
wearing Union underwear.

Think of it.

[WHOOPING]

Oh, baking, eh?

Can I help you?

I used to work in a bakery
as a pilot.

A pilot?

Yeah, I used to take
the bread from one corner

and pile it in the other.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. [LAUGHS]

Well, um, can you spread
this cake

with some
of the strawberry preserves?

Oh, certainly. Okay.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh.

Oh, there's a hole in it.

Oh, another one.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's the other one.

Be careful, it's hot.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

CURLEY: You know, I
quit my job at that bakery.

JUDITH: Why?

CURLEY: Oh, I
got sick of the dough

and thought I'd go on the loaf.

[SLAP] CURLEY: Oh!

You should be proud
of your achievement.

Missy, this cake is
as light as a feather.

I'm sure you'll like it.

Yes, ma'am.

What did you-all say
the name of this cake was?

Southern comfort.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, tastes like
Southern comforter.

JUDITH: You
certainly like that cake.

Do you mind if I dunk?

Dunk? Uh--

JUDITH: Do you like the cake?

Here, you'd better have
my piece too.

[MUTTERING]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Do you like that cake?

If I hadn't helped bake it,

I'd never knew it was a cake.

Oh.

Hm.

Yeah.

Oh...

How's yours taste?

Like a mattress.

Want mine?

I'm stuffed now.

Gentlemen.

I just received word that
the left flank must move over

to the right and the right flank
must move over to the left.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
I need your advice.

What can you suggest?

I--

[COUGHING]

He's molting.

[COUGHING]

He's been eating raw chicken.

[STOOGES COUGHING]

What is--?

What is this, anyway?

Where did you get
these feathers?

Can't you do something
about this?

[STOOGES COUGHING]

Where did you get
this stuff, anyway?

[STOOGES COUGHING]

Colonel, we have information

that there are spies
in your ranks.

I'm here to investigate.

You don't think--

Introduce me to your guests.

Oh, by all means.

Right this way.

COLONEL:
Gentlemen, meet Major Filbert.

Oh.

Ooh.

[WHIMPERS]

A victim of circumstance.

Major Filbert's here
because there have been rumors

that there are Northern spies
in our Southern ranks.

The major suspects everybody.

He's know as
"Bloodhound Filbert,"

and he can smell a spy
a mile away.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm glad he can't
smell 'em any closer.

Ooh. Oh. Shh.

Pardon me,
I didn't quite get the name.

This here is Captain Dodge
of the Horse Marines.

Well, I've quite a pleasant
surprise for you, captain.

What is it, major?

Why, they told me that your
father came in this afternoon.

My father? FILBERT: Yes.

Boys, Dad's here.

Yeah.

Is he still as tall as ever?

No, he's rather short.

Well, he can't borrow
any money from me, sir.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, excuse me, gentlemen,

I gotta take care
of a weak back.

Pardon me, how long
have you had a weak back?

Oh, about a week back.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

See that? Oh...

Oh!

Ah! Ow!

Here's to the success
of our cause.

And here's to the success
of our cause.

LARRY [RASPY VOICE]:
Where's Captain Dodge?

Sounds like trouble.

Sounds like
Lieutenant Duck to me.

Ah! Shh.

How is my son?

Oh, fine, Uncle Tom, fine.

Uncle Tom?

That's short for Pappy.

By the way, captain,

I forgot to tell you,

your wife also came in
this afternoon.

[SQUEALING]

Where are you going?

I left my horse parked
in a safety zone.

Yee!

Tell me, captain, is your wife
a blond or a brunette?

[COUGHS]

Well, sir, I really can't say.

You know, when she
first married me,

everybody accused her
of being very light-headed.

[LAUGHING]

Hm.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Whoo-hoo.

Dodgey, kiss me.

[SHOUTS]

Darling, darling.

Gentlemen,
this is Mrs. Dodge, my wife.

Oh, colonel.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[CHUCKLES]

Mrs. Dodge. Heh.

COLONEL: Let's have a drink
to the beautiful Mrs. Dodge.

Now, I'll have this fixed
in just a minute.

[LOUD RIPPING]

Ahem. Oh, gentlemen.

You're very kind, sir.

Thank you. And major.

I was wondering, Mrs. Dodge,

what did you do
with your little baby?

Baby?

Baby?

Oh, my baby.

What have you done with my baby?

Oh, I want my baby.

What have they done
with my child?

But, Mrs. Dodge, I, uh--
I-- We--

There, there.
Don't worry, Dixie Lou.

I'll get him.

Him?

Her.

FILBERT: Her? It.

I'm a victim of circumstance.

I'm going to faint.

Oh, she has fainted.

Get her a glass of water.

No, whiskey.

[STAMMERS]

Do you think
they'll ever find him?

Here, honey.

Where did you find it?

He was walking
down by the railroad.

Alone?

No, I was with her.

Well, let's see
the little darling.

He looks just like the captain.

Yeah?

Looks like you, does he?

We had him down
at the beach all summer.

He got quite sunburned.

Sunburned?

Yeah, here.

Why, you-- What'll I do
with him?

Hold him for days.

If nobody claims him,
he's yours.

[WHOOPING] Wait a minute!

Come back and get this baby!

FILBERT: Here, here,
I-- Jerry, you take him.

COLONEL: No way.
What would I do with him?

I'll get them!

[WHOOPING]

[CONTINUES WHOOPING]

Spies escaping.

Get 'em, boys! Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.

In this tree trunk.

Hurry up. [WHOOPING]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

Man the g*ns.

The enemy is approaching.

[expl*si*n]

FILBERT: Ready, men?
MAN: Yes, sir.

Fire!

I wonder what's become
of operators , and .

[INCREASINGLY LOUD WHISTLING]

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]