05x01 - Termites of 1938

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Oh, hello, Arthur.
Hope you catch something.

The same to you,
and I don't mean fish.

Oh, hello, Mable.

Why, Muriel, what's the trouble?

Well, it looks as if I can't
come to your party.

Arthur's gone on another one
of his famous fishing trips,

and I won't have an escort.

Why don't you call
the escort bureau

and have them send over
a nice young man?

Why, what do you mean?

Well, from what I understand,

the Acme escort bureau
is thoroughly reliable.

Mostly college boys
from Harvard and Yale.

Perfect gentlemen.
Why don't you try it?

Oh, I don't think that I--

Well, uh, you don't want
to miss the opportunity

of meeting Lord Wafflebottom,
do you?

No. I must run along, dear.

I'll be expecting you.

Y'all going out tonight,
Miss van Twitchett?

Yes. Get me the Acme
escort bureau on the telephone.

MAID: Yes, ma'am.

Oh, I do hope they're
discriminating.

"Excriminatin'"?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, Mandy.

Excriminatin'.

Acme E-X--
I guess this must be it.

[♪]

Well, that's it. That's what?

What's the idea?

That's my new invention:
the Simplex rodent exterminator.

I thought we're
supposed to catch a mouse.

Listen, you jughead,

when the mouse comes
out of there,

he's bound to touch
one of those strings.

When he does?
The cannon goes off.

Oh, I get it.

The noise wakes up the cat
and the cat catches the mouse.

Yeah-- See that?

Ow!

Wait a minute.

The old-fashioned way
is good enough for me.

He ain't progressive.

Now, listen, if we don't
get him with the strings,

we get him with
the hangman's noose.

Right around the neck
till he's dead.

Oh. Come on. Come on.

Wish I had my putty blower here.
I'd get him.

If he sees you,
he'll never come out.

I got it. I got a bite!

See?
That's the old-fashioned way.

That's why I laid awake nights
figuring out this safe plan.

I'll show you how to get one.

Now, if we only had a mouse.

Why didn't you say so?
That's a cinch.

What's the idea?

I've been reading up on it. See?

MOE: So what?

If a pie-eyed piper
can call them out,

I guess I can sober.

[PLAYING]

Did that come out of me?

Shh. Look.

[PLAYING "JEANIE WITH
THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR"]

That's a swell idea.
For the mouse.

I know.
The strings are too loose.

We'll get down there
and tighten them

and get him on the way back.

I don't know if I can play
that twibble, that-- That tune.

Get me out of here! Help me out!

[GRUNTING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Answer the phone.

You want to go home?
You just got here.

Nah, the phone is ringing. Here.

Oh, the phone.

Hello.

Hello. Is this the Acme?

Yeah, this is the Acme.

You'll have to talk
a little louder, lady.

I want to engage
one of your best men.

We're all pest men.

You see, a friend of mine
is giving a dinner dance.

Ants? She's got ants.

By the way, what are your fees?

Fleas?
She's got fleas too, boys.

What else you got, lady?

What?

What's the address, lady?

Meet me at Mrs. Sturgeon's home
at Laurel Canyon Drive.

It's semi-formal.

Tails? All right.

Has she got snails too?

No, you lunkhead.

You don't expect
to go to a classy joint

and catch pests in those
dirty overhauls, do you?

Come on.

As long as I got my piccolo,
I can get anything.

How do you do,
Mrs. van Twitchett?

[MUTTERS]

Hey, get that thing
out of there.

[HORN HONKING]

Why-- Why the very idea.

Get this disgraceful thing
out of here.

Keep your shirt on, big boy.
We were sent for.

Oh, Clayhammer,
it's quite all right.

We're expecting them.

Oh, very well,
Mrs. van Twitchett.

[MUTTERS]

Hold this, sledgehammer.

Hello, Mable.

Oh, Muriel.
I'm so happy to see you.

May I present, uh--

Howard. Fine.

And Howard.

♪ At your service
Day and night ♪

♪ We do the job
And do it right ♪

♪ Acme ♪

I say. What of?

Oh, it's their college yell.

Yes. College?

Oh, ripping.

[LAUGHTER]

Dinner is served.

Dinner? Dinner?

Certainly. They always feed you
in these high-class joints.

Want to work
on an empty stomach?

I should say not.

All right, go ahead.

[BLUSTERS]

Cut it out.
Get rid of that heater.

Look at all that silver.
What do we do with them?

I'll show you
what to do with it.

No, you don't.
No, you eat with them.

But why so many?
All we need is a knife.

Can't you see
how they're laid out?

You start at the far end
and work your way down.

Ready? Go.

[GUESTS CHUCKLING]

MAN: Oh, really. I enjoyed it.

Don't crowd, folks.
There's room for everybody.

Sit down, shorty.
Stuff's here and it's mellow.

MAN : Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, I ain't got no serviette.

Take part of mine.

Thanks.

Oh, I say. Look here, my dear.

This is my first visit
to America, you see,

and I want to be very sure
that I observe the proper

table etiquette.

Now, what shall I-- I have it.

I shall keep my eye
on those college chaps.

Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Mm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Nyuck-nyuck.

Snowshoes.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

[ALL PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

Hey, buddy, you ain't gonna
get any mice with that tune.

You got to swing it.

Wait a minute, you big chump.

You got to wait till
the guests are gone.

But I had my pizacado
all ready--

Oh, do you boys play too?

Oh, we'd love
to have you play for us.

Hey, the phonograph.

MABLE: You'll play
something for us, won't you?

Sometimes I think you've
got part of a brain. Thanks.

Don't mention it. Get out.

Say, I gotta tune in b-flat.
There you are, maestro.

You blow the gas pipe.

You get the little fiddle.
I'll take the overstuffed one.

All right, fellas, scram.
Hey, piano player,

you stay and take the tempo
from my body.

Don't shove.

Man the instruments, boys.

We will now play "Romananese
Syncrodines" by Leidercranz.

[MOE CLEARS THROAT]

[MARCHING BAND
PLAYING ON PHONOGRAPH]

[IMITATING PLAYING]

[RECORD SKIPPING]

[STOPS SKIPPING]

Mm.

[SQUEAKS]

[SCREAMING]

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Come on up here.
The place is infested.

We better forget society
and get to work.

You guys handle the termites,
I'll handle the moths.

♪ At your service
Day and night ♪

♪ We do the job
And do it right ♪

♪ Acme ♪

[WHISTLES]

Do you hear anything?
Quiet. I'm on their trail.

I found 'em.

It's disgraceful.

They should be put
out of the house.

[DRILL WHIRRING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Clayhammer-- Ah!

Oh. Oh.

Clayham-- Ow!

Yes, madame? Take this thing
out of here immediately.

But, madame.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, lady.

[CHUCKLES]

[BARKS]

Try here.

Oh. A blooming hole.

Oh. What the--? Have we
a shower bath over here?

It's those escorts.

I shall call the Acme
and report this.

By all means.
Phone the Acme immediately.

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Oh, dear, dear.

[BUSY SIGNAL CONTINUES]

A nest of 'em. Put it in here.

[MURIEL SCREAMS]

Quiet.
You want to scare 'em away?

We better give them a shot
from the other side. Okay.

Oh, Arthur.

Muriel.

Oh, Arthur,
I'm so glad you're back.

Forgive me, honey.
I'll never go fishing again.

Oh, it was terrible.

Did you see a female moth
fly through here?

Was it a white one?

Yeah. No, I didn't see it.

I know where
three moths are going.

Where?

Whoa. Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Hurry up.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[♪]