07x09 - Boobs in Arms

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Greeting cards, folks.

MOE: Greeting cards.

CURLY: Greeting cards.
Greeting cards.

MOE: Here we are,
for all occasions.

Cards for all occasions.

How about a card, mister?
Pardon me, stranger.

Could we interest you
in a nice greeting card?

We write 'em ourselves.

Maybe your mother
has a birthday.

Here's just the thing: our -B.

Ooh.

Oh! A snob, eh?

[ALL CHATTERING]

Oh, greetings and salutations.
Greeting cards?

Maybe your father
has a birthday.

Here's just the thing:
our H- - .

[SIGHS] Oh, a snobess?

[BARKS]

Ooh. Ooh.

ALL: Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Whoa.

We're sorry, mister.

It was unavoidable.

Why don't you look
where you're goin'?

You think you own the sidewalk?

Well, we said we're sorry. Yeah?

Yeah. Well, if you wanna
make somethin' out of it,

why, go ahead.

Ooh. Oh.

If I thought you meant that...

I'd like to see you
do that once more.

Ooh.

For Pete's sake, take his word
for it. He means it.

Ow.

[GRUNTS]

[FEET THUDDING]

[WHISTLES]

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

MAN:
Wait till I get out of here!

I'll fix you if it's
the last thing I ever do.

Nyuck, nyuck.
Read him number .

"Greetings, little shut-in.
Don't you weep or sigh.

"If you're not out by Christmas,

you'll be out
the Fourth of July."

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[LARRY LAUGHS]

We have to do some business.

We better sell some cards
in this apartment house.

There ain't enough
weddings and funerals.

I'll try in here. May have
some luck. Who can tell?

[CHUCKLES] Say-- Say-- Say--

Say, what is going on here?

Ah. Ah.

[HUFFS]

You picked a fine way
to sell cards:

Hittin' people in the face.

Stand aside. I'll show you
how to sell cards.

[KNOCKING TO
"SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

[KNOCKS LAST TWO BEATS]

How do you do, lady?

We're selling cards
for all occasions.

Maybe you'd like one
for your sweetheart.

Or your husband. Husband?

[SOBBING]

What's wrong, lady?
Come in and sit down.

What happened?
I didn't do nothin'.

Sit right down over there.

[SOBS]

There we are. Now, what's
the weeps all about?

I'm afraid my husband
doesn't love me anymore.

Is that all? I thought it was
serious. That's easily fixed.

Certainly. All you have to do is
get somebody to make love to you

and make your husband jealous.

Do you think it would work?

Think? Why, certainly.
He'll be so jealous,

he'll take you right in his arms
and kiss you.

Hmm. A pleasure.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Now, listen.

I want you to watch
your p's and q's, you hear?

[BRAKES SCREECH]

It's my husband.

Will you gentlemen help me?

I'll see that you're rewarded
handsomely.

Will we?
Make way for the original Romeo.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Spread out.

[FABRIC RIPS]

[GRUNTS]

[FABRIC RIPS]

[CRIES]

Everything happens to me.

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen,

which one of you
will be my sweetheart?

I will. I will. I will.

Come here, you.

I'm the president
of this corporation.

We'll work it out
scientifically.

Adirondack. One zell, two zell
Three zell, zam

The buck tail then-I-get
Tickle and tam

Tah, scram, the butcher man

See, saw, buck, out

Lucky.

Mmm.

[LIPS SMACK]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[SIGHS]

Hey, fellows, she's fainted.

Get a drink.

Quick.

[GULPING]

Hey, you. Get her a drink,
you nitwit.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

[MOE & CURLY GAG]

Ah.

Shut that seltzer off,
you nitwit.

Drop it.

Ooh! Oh! Oo-ho. Whoo.

[KEYS RATTLE] Hey. Shh.

Here comes somebody.
Quick. Get busy.

CURLY: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
MOE: Oh, darling,

leave your husband
and fly away with us.

You know you love us,

not that picklepuss husband
of yours.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

What's goin' on in here?

Scram, buddy.
You're interferin' with romance.

Go.

Ah-ah! Ah-ah!

Why, you-- Ah.

[GRUNTS]

[BARKING]

Ah.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Pardon me, mister.

There was a man chasin' us--

Ah. You're the man. Ah.

Oh!

[GROANS]

[PANTING]

[WHEEZING]

[TEETH CHATTER]

[GASPS]

[TEETH CHATTER]

[GASPS]

We'll hide in this bread line.

He'll never find us here.

That's good.
I've been runnin' so much,

I've worked up an appetite.

Boy, this reminds me
of card number :

"You're in the army now.
You'll always have your chow.

You'll never get rich"--
I know. I know,

but we don't need
any money in the army.

Mmm.

Oh, boy. A bench.

[CURLY CHUCKLES]

What a life. Nothin' to do but
live off the fat of the land.

And eat and sleep.

MAN: That's what you think.

That's what I said.
What about it?

I didn't say anything.

MAN: But I did.

ALL: Ah-ah-ha.

Well, well, well.
So we meet again.

Attention!

Right shoulder arms!

About face!

[METAL CLANGS]

Oh.

[METAL CLANGS]

Attention!

Present arms!

You dumbbells.

Oh.

Oh. A duck. Look at mine.

I missed.

Oh.

A duck for my tapeworm.

[LAUGHS]

Drop those ducks
and fall in that line!

Hey!

Don't go away.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

SERGEANT: Now, get this:

I'm gonna make soldiers
out of you guys

if I have to k*ll you.

And I hope I do.

And that goes for you too.

Attention!

Right shoulder arms!

Right face!

By twos, forward, march!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
Hey, don't look now,

but I think
we're goin' the wrong way.

SERGEANT: To the rear,

march!

Company, halt!

What do you guys
think you're doin'?

Playin' hippety-hop
at the barbershop?

Now, snap into it
and march like soldiers.

And that goes for you too.

About face!

I won't do it.
He don't pay my salary.

It's a guy with a beard.

Why would--? Ah!

About face.

Forward march!

GROUP: Oh.

Company, attention!

Fall in on that line.

Fall in!

Now, listen: One more break
out of you guys,

and I'm gonna hang you.
All three of you.

Now, I'm gonna teach you
how to be soldiers

whether you like it or not.

Right shoulder arms!
Left shoulder arms!

Right shoulder arms!
Port arms! Inspection arms!

Port arms! Inspection arms!
Right shoulder arms!

Arms! Arms! Arms! Arms!
Arms! Arms! Arms!

Arms! Left shoulder arms!

What do you think you're doin'?

I'm gonna show you
how to do the manual of arms.

Port arms.

Present arms.

Now do it just like I did it.

Port arms! Present arms!

[METAL CLANGS]

Whoo! Ah-ah-ah.

Where are they? Where'd they go?

Company, attention!

Right shoulder arms!

Left face!

Double-time, forward march.

Ah. Mm.

Company halt!

Now we're going to have
a little bayonet practice, men.

Ah. Nyuh.

Now, you always want to get them
right between the eyes.

High. Just about here.

[CARTILAGE CRUNCHES]

[GROANING]

See, men? Right about there.

[FIST SMACKS] [GRUNTS]

Heh.

Now, then,
plant your feet firmly,

hold the g*n steady,
and lunge hard,

right between the eyes.

But sometimes the enemy
doesn't give you a chance

to use your bayonet.

So then you club 'em.

If they haven't surrendered
by then,

you kick 'em.

And then you sock 'em.

But the thing to remember is
the bayonet's your real w*apon.

On this bag, I'll show you

how to really do away
with the enemy.

You lunge high,

right between the eyes.

Ah-ah-ah.

You lunge high again,

right in the nose.

Oh.

[PANTING]

[MUTTERING]

Uh...

[TEETH CHATTER]

But the main thing to remember
is you get them.

Don't let them get you.

Now, then, you grab the g*n
firmly, both wrists rigid,

your left forearm
parallel with the ground.

Then you pivot
with your right foot,

and you throw
everything you have into it.

[SOLDIERS LAUGHING]

Silence!

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

Give me that hose.

[SERGEANT LAUGHS]

[GAGS]

Why, you.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUMBLES]

[SPITS]

[CRIES]

Everything happens to me.

[EXPLOSIONS]

[SHELLS WHISTLING]

[SNORES] [WHEEZES]

[SNORES] [WHEEZES]

[SNORING]

[WHEEZES]

[SNORES]

[SNORTS]

[SNORES]

[WHEEZES] [SNORES]

[WHEEZES] [SNORES]

[WHEEZES]

[SNORING]

[expl*si*n]

[WHEEZES]

[SNORES]

[SNORTS]

[SNORES]

[WHEEZES]

[g*nf*re]

[WHEEZES]

[SNORES]

[WHEEZES]

[SNORING]

[g*nf*re]

Come on. Get up. Get up.

Attention!

[SHELL WHISTLES]

[expl*si*n]

Our patrol detachment
under Sergeant Dare

has failed to return.

They must be captured.
Oh, goody, goody.

What?

We are going to make a surprise
attack and rescue the sergeant.

Oh, let the enemy keep him.

Quiet!

This shell contains
a new type of laughing gas

which will render
the enemy helpless.

Fire it as soon as I leave.

Come on, men. On the double.

Hm. Laughing gas.
I never heard of it.

Come on. Orders is orders.

Oh! Oh!

CURLY: Oh-oh-oh-oh.
LARRY: All right.

Oh. Oh.

Come on. Get a fuse in there.

Shell ready?

Shell in.

Heave.

Heave.

CURLY: Hmm.

Mmm!

Come on, muscle-bound.

Heave.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa!

Hmm.

Ah-ah-ah.

Mmm.
What's the idea goin' swimmin'?

We got work to do.

Get me out of here.

[GROANS] Come on.

[GROANING]

It's a fine time.

You pumpkin brain.

Ooh. Oh. Oh.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

MOE: Hey, wait a minute.

Whoo! Get me out.
I'm suffocated.

I'm asphyxiated. Wait a minute.

CURLY: I'm humiliated.

Get me out. Ooh.

Look where he is.

CURLY: Get me out! Ooh!

[MOE & LARRY GRUNTING]

CURLY: Ooh. Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Get me out!

Ready, go! Ooh.

[BODY CRACKLES, POPS]

Ooh. Oh. Oh.

Hmm.

Uh. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Whoo.

Whew. You lunkhead. I ought to--

[STOOGES LAUGHING]

I think we're captured.

[STOOGES LAUGHING]

They'll probably sh**t us.

[STOOGES LAUGHING]

Ell-way, ir-say?

Et-gay ack-bay.

[STOOGES LAUGHING]

Quiet!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Why, you, I'll get--

[SWORD BOINKS] Oh.

Oh!

Ooh!

Ah! Ah!

Oh. Oh.

[PANTING]

[LAUGHING SUBSIDES]

Hmm.

[BLOWS]

[LAUGHING RESUMES]

[expl*si*n]

[expl*si*n]

Our own army is bombarding us.

[LAUGHING]

We'll get k*lled.

STOOGES: Ah!

[STOOGES LAUGHING]

[♪]