02x02 - In 25 Words or Less

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

It's unbelievable,
all these people writing in

to spend a week
with the Partridge Family.

I'd rather enter a contest
to win mumps.

Living with you kids
isn't my idea

of getting
away from it all either.

You're stuck with us,
Mom.

I checked your contract
for loopholes.

Reuben had a good idea
when he thought up this contest.

We've gotta give him credit.

Might as well,
he'll take it anyway.

SHIRLEY:
we better get to work.

Rueben's gonna be here
with the winner.

And I don't want her
to see the house like this.

Speaking of looks,
I sure hope she's cute.

If she is, I'm sure
you'll make this week

an unforgettable
experience for her.

I may even take her
to Muldoon's Point.

I said "unforgettable,"
not "unforgivable."

Mr. Kincaid's here.

Oh, no, my house.

My hair.

Tell you what,
Laurie.

I'll help Mom fluff
the mailbags,

you help Keith
fluff his hair.

Hi, g*ng.

I'd like you
to meet the winner

of the Bopper b*at
magazine contest:

Gloria Neugast.

[♪♪♪]

She's gonna love
Muldoon's Point.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Believe me,

it's like I've known every one
of you for years.

And if there's one thing
I've got plenty of,

it's years.

Mrs. Neugast,
I'm Shirley Partridge.

Oh, hello.

We're pleased you won
the contest, Mrs. Neugast.

I'm Laurie.
Who else would you be?

Laurie Partridge,
first-born girl.

Birthday, December th.
Birth sign, Sagittarius.

Your favorite
color's blue. Mm.

I've lived with her all my life.

I didn't know her favorite
color was blue.

I wasn't even sure
she was a girl.

Oh, Danny.

Keith!

Oh, darling, you look just like
your phonograph record.

Even better.

Mrs. Neugast,
I hope you'll excuse the house.

We were just cleaning it when--

Please,
don't apologize, dear.

I love a house
that looks lived-in.

I'm late.

It's that big breakfast
that did it.

Bye, Mom.
Mrs. Neugast.

When I lie awake
planning breakfast,

I like it should be eaten.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

When those kids leave
for school,

this house practically
shrieks with silence.

Enjoy the noise while you can.

What do you mean?
Before you know it,

they'll be off on their own.

Do you have children?
Oh, yeah.

Two girls and a boy.

Oh, the girls are married
to absolute princes.

But, on the other hand,
my daughter-in-law...

Well, two out of three
ain't bad, huh?

You spend much time
with them?

I'd spend more time with them

if they'd tell me
where they lived.

Oh, come on, now.

All right,
so I know where they live.

I'm still not wanted.

You know, it's funny.

If a mother deserts children,

she's called a rotten mother.

On the other hand,
if the kids desert the mother,

well,
everybody says that's normal.

Anyhow,
who needs kids?

I prefer contests.

You don't mean that.

I don't?

Look at me.
I just won a family.

Laurie,

that skirt you wanted hemmed,
I can do it now.

Oh, thanks, Mom,

but Mrs. Neugast did it
for me this afternoon.

She did?
When did she have time?

I think it was somewhere
in between shampooing the rug

and mowing the lawn.

She mowed the lawn?

After she fixed Tracy's bicycle.

All I can say is when I get
to be Mrs. Neugast's age,

I hope I have her energy.
I certainly don't have it now.

You know,
Mrs. Neugast is the best thing

that's happened to this family.

It's almost like we won
the contest.

Mom, I'm going to the park
for a while.

Finish your English composition?
Yep.

It's titled, "Mothers Get Lonely
Because Children Get Forgetful."

By any chance,

did Mrs. Neugast help you write
your English composition?

Yeah,
how'd you know?

Oh,
a lonely mother's intuition.

Mom,
I hate to tell you this,

but ever since Mrs. Neugast
showed up

you've just been
another pretty face around here.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hello, Keith.

Oh, hi.

I was just reading.

These magazines
have some great short stories.

Oh, I'm sure.

Keith,
do you have a girlfriend?

I mean,
besides Miss November.

Uh...

Well, Doris and I have
sort of a thing going, yeah.

Where do you go on a date?

The usual places.

I take her to the movies
or the taco stand.

Or sometimes Muldoon's Point.

Oh. What happens
at Muldoon's Point?

Well, that depends.
Depends on what?

Oh, on how well things go
at the movies or the taco stand.

Ever go up there by yourself?

Muldoon's Point?
Yeah.

If you went up there
by yourself,

I'm afraid you'd draw
a crowd.

You know, according to the rules
of the contest,

you're supposed to take
the winner on a typical date.

Oh, Mrs. Neugast--
Don't be silly.

Naturally, I wouldn't ask you
to take me to Muldoon's Point.

So this is Muldoon's Point.

Yeah.

Sure are a lot of people
here tonight.

You know,

it's just like
I knew it was going to be.

It reminds me
of Strawberry Lane,

when I was your age.

Effrin and I were then.

Mrs. Neugast,

I don't know
what Strawberry Lane was,

but Muldoon's Point...

Well,
things are different now.

Oh? You kids invented
something new, huh?

Keith?

Keith, is that you?
Doris.

Who are you with?

Uh, Doris,
this is Mrs. Neugast.

Mrs. Neugast,
Doris is my girlfriend,

and I'm gonna be sick.

Look who Partridge is with.

I read about your type,
Keith.

Hey, Partridge, you always bring
a chaperon along?

Keith is a good boy.
Now, all you kids play nice.

What a bummer.

It's nothing
to be ashamed of, Keith.

A lot of guys date
older women. I know I do.

Oh, it's not funny,
Reuben.

Just tell me one thing:

Why did you take Mrs. Neugast
there in the first place?

You forget the word "no"?
That's another strange thing.

She was telling me how
she wasn't interested

in seeing Muldoon's Point,

and the next thing I know,
I'm driving her up there.

Mrs. Neugast can be
very persuasive.

Of all people,
why did Doris have to see me?

That's a good question.

You know, if she was up there,
she must have been with someone.

Yeah, that's right.

A guy was driving
that car.

What was Doris doing
up there

with another guy
at Muldoon's Point?

Maybe Casanova magazine
was having a road test.

There's one thing
we all need to understand.

Like most of us,
Mrs. Neugast needs to be needed.

She needs someone
to love.

Why don't we all chip
in and buy her a goldfish.

[DOOR OPENS]

Bernie, this is the family
I was telling you about.

This is Laurie
and Shirley and Mr. Reuben.

Kincaid.

Shirley,
this is Bernie Applebaum.

I wanted you to meet him.
He's a doctor.

But none of us are sick.

It doesn't matter.

He's a single,
unmarried bachelor doctor.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLING]

Let's see,

I've told you about my first,

second and third year
at med school.

[LAUGHING]

Well, my interning at County
Hospital will have to wait

for another evening.

Doctor, it certainly
has been... Evening.

Well, you may yawn
if you like.

Oh, why would I
want to yawn?

Well, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

A yawn is merely indicative
of a lack of oxygen.

Oh?

Oh, a lot of people yawn
when I'm around.

I must use up
a lot of oxygen.

Well, it's just that I didn't
sleep very well last night.

Mrs. Partridge,

a double bed can be
a very lonely place.

Thank you.

I'll always remember
that as a medical opinion.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

KIDS:
Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst.

[♪♪♪]

Sounds like a convention
of flat tires in here.

What are you doing up so late?
It's about Mrs. Neugast.

I know she's just trying
to be nice,

but she's nicing us
right up the walls.

She helped me with my arithmetic
homework and it's all wrong.

She straightened out
my toy box

and now
my squiggy-wiggy's missing.

We never have privacy anymore.

She sticks her head
in my room

at least once
every five minutes.

LAURIE:
She treats me like a baby.

This afternoon I found
her sewing nametags

in all my clothes.

I know how you feel.

Yesterday when I went
to the store,

she pinned a list
inside my pocket.

Well,
what are we gonna do?

Absolutely nothing.

ALL: Oh, Mom!
Look,

if Mrs. Neugast
has taken over our lives,

it's because we've
invited her to.

Chris, you asked her to help
with your homework, didn't you?

Well, yeah.

And you, young lady,

if you straightened out
your own toy box,

your squeeky-weeky
wouldn't be missing.

The point is, Mrs. Neugast
may be nice to a fault,

but she means well.

She'll be gone
in just a few days.

But while she's here,

no one is gonna say one word
to hurt her feelings.

Is that clear?

Yeah, we have to just grin
and bear it.

Right.

What's everybody
doing up at midnight?

We weren't very sleepy.

But you have to get your rest
for tomorrow.

It's the recording session.

I know just the thing
to make you sleepy:

Hot boiled milk.

Hot milk?

We love hot milk.

Keith loves it too.
Don't you, Keith?

Uh, yeah.
I just love hot milk.

I bet the pot at the end
of the rainbow

is filled with hot milk.

I hope there's enough
for everybody.

Mrs. Neugast?
Hmm?

Keith loves hot milk
so much,

why don't you give him mine.

Danny,
you're such a nice boy.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, let's make it
a good one, g*ng.

Well, they're about
ready to start.

Now,
there must be absolute quiet

during the recording session,
Mrs. Neugast.

I'll be quiet as a mouse.
Okay.

"Echo Valley, ."
Take one.

[KEITH SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

♪ We grew up together... ♪

Just a minute!

Oh,
I hope I'm not too late.

What's the matter?
Keith's hair is out of place.

That's much better.
Who's gonna know the difference?

I will. I wouldn't be able
to listen to your record album

if I thought your hair
was messed up.

"Echo Valley, ."
Take two.

Oh, hold it.
Hold everything.

♪ We grew up... ♪

Why is the microphone
in front of Shirley's face?

Mrs. Neugast,
it doesn't matter.

This is only a recording.

Nobody's going to see
her face on a record.

Well, how should I know?
I'm not in the business.

ENGINEER:
Take three.

[RUSTLING]

[KEITH SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

♪ We grew up together... ♪

[WHISPERING]
They're instant energy.

♪ Ferris wheels
And sunshine laughter ♪

♪ A rainbow love
That lasted after the rain ♪

♪ And now we're separated ♪

♪ And I've become
A lonely runner ♪

♪ And when I rest
I hurt and I wonder ♪

♪ If I'll ever
See you again ♪

Cut.

Uh, why don't you bring
the nice raisin lady

into the nice control room,

and we'll make the nice record
before this nice year is over.

[SINGING "ECHO VALLEY"]

♪ We grew up together ♪

♪ With Ferris wheels
And sunshine laughter ♪

♪ A rainbow love
That lasted after the rain ♪

♪ And now we're separated ♪

♪ And I've become
A lonely runner ♪

♪ And when I rest
I hurt and I wonder ♪

♪ If I'll ever
See you again ♪

♪ Echo Valley
- ♪

♪ I can see it clearly
In my mind ♪

♪ But I'm scared to call ♪

♪ 'Cause it's been
such a long, long time ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Never been much for writin' ♪

♪ 'Cause what do you say
To a dream that's dyin'♪ ♪

♪ A fragile lifeline
That's untyin' ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, no ♪

♪ I can't face the sunrise ♪

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ Lightin' up
A road to nowhere ♪

♪ Where you are
I have to go there ♪

♪ Are you waitin'?
I've got to know ♪

♪ Echo Valley
- ♪

♪ I gotta call that number
One more time ♪

♪ 'Cause I've just got to know ♪

♪ If you're still mine ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Oo, oo ♪

KEITH:
Hello, operator♪

Get me Echo Valley
- .

["ECHO VALLEY" SESSION PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

OPERATOR:
a disconnected number.

♪ Echo Valley
- ♪

♪ I shoulda called
That number ♪

♪ Echo Valley
- ♪

[MUSIC FADES]

Well,
what do you think?

I think it's just fine.
We'll press that one.

Shirley, darling,
come here, dear.

I think you should get
more efficient help.

Seventy-three takes?
Too much.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY:
Mrs. Neugast?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Mrs. Neugast?
Yes?

Come in.

Any time you're ready,
Keith will carry your bags.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.
I just regained consciousness.

I fainted a little bit.
It was a very short faint.

Short faint? Maybe I better call
Dr. Applebaum.

No, no, it'll look like
you're chasing him.

Better you should wait
till he calls you.

But if you're sick...
I'm fine.

If I live,
I'll be better tomorrow.

if not, the next day.

Your feet should be elevated.

Here. There.

[GROANS]

Shirley, what you don't know
about being a good hostess

isn't worthwhile knowing.

We've enjoyed having you.

I've enjoyed being here.

But, frankly, a houseguest
is like chopped chicken liver.

They should both be
thrown out after a week.

So if you'll call me
an ambulance, I'll...

I can't let you leave
if you're sick.

But I'm sure
you're anxious to get home.

Who's anxious?
That cold, empty apartment?

I can't stand the wallpaper.

Little boats going all around.

I get seasick
just thinking about it.

Maybe the landlord
will change the wallpaper.

I doubt it.
I picked it out myself.

To be truthful, if you live
and you're not needed,

there's no need to live.

I feel that way myself.

I was very happy here.

If ever a family needed me,

this one does.

Well, I try my best,
Mrs. Neugast. It's a big job.

Of course you do.

Shirley,
you're only a baby yourself.

Hey,
you know that TV commercial

where the mother looks
as young as the daughter?

You could play both parts.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY:
Simple as that.

Mrs. Neugast doesn't wanna
go home

so she's talked herself
into being sick.

Why?

I guess she sort of
likes this family.

She is sick.

Well, how long is she gonna stay
with us?

We can't ask her to leave
until she feels well.

That means
she can be here indefinitely.

This may be the first time
a whole family

ran away from home.

Mr. Kincaid, this whole contest
was your idea.

I hate to point that out,
but I'm a rotten kid.

Yeah, I know it was my idea,
and I'll figure a way out.

Believe me,
I'll put my mind to it.

We need a lot more help
than that.

[♪♪♪]

Did your mother ever tell you
to look both ways

before you cross the street?

Of course.

Mm. Too bad.

[♪♪♪]

Tracy, a little sliver
of chocolate pudding

won't ruin your dinner.

Here.

Mrs. Neugast,
are you feeling any better?

I'm still living, knock wood.
That's plaster.

Well,
it works on plaster too.

Mrs. Neugast,
you look wonderful.

That's if you don't
come too close.

Oh,
that's too bad for you.

Well,
of course it's too bad for me.

Who else would
it be too bad for?

Oh,
about kids.

I don't understand.

Uh, Reuben has done
a very nice thing.

He was hoping
you might do him a favor.

Nice nothing.

A friend of mine
just happens to run

a child day-care center and...

Well,
he needs help desperately.

You'd be doing him the favor.

Oh, those poor kids.
I'll bet they need me.

I'll bet they're all
run-down and skinny

and all have runny noses.

Well, I've got plenty
of handkerchiefs.

I'm sure you'll enjoy the job.

What enjoy?

All those kids.

I bet when they leave,
they'll never write.

Come on, what are
we waiting for, huh?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You know, it feels great having
our own house back.

Alone at last.

Yeah, but you know,

there were times in the past
week when I missed her.

Mrs. Neugast was nice.

CHRIS:
an extra mother around.

An extra mother?

I was just getting used
to the first one.

Here's a letter
from Mrs. Neugast.

LAURIE:
What does she say?

"My dear children,

I love the weather here
and I love my new job."

What a break.

"But even though I'm away
from you,

"I think about you
all the time.

"Tracy, you must stop
biting your nails,

"otherwise your fingers will be
too short

"for an engagement ring.

"And Keith, darling,

"you'll do me a big favor
by not wearing

"those torn blue jeans.

"As you go through life,
dress nicely.

"People will give you a job

"if you don't look
like you need one."

I thought we were free of her.
What are you complaining about?

According to this,

I have a date Saturday night
with Dr. Applebaum.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]