02x09 - Tale of Two Hamsters

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

CHRIS:
to tell Mom now?

It's just basic
parent psychology.

She hates to argue
at the dinner table.

I don't know. Mom's gonna
get mad when she finds out.

Let's tell her tomorrow.
We tell her now.

How come you get to decide
everything?

Because I'm the president
and the major stockholder.

Oh, I thought it was
because you can b*at us up.

Tracy and I put in
all our money too, you know.

Yeah, but cents
doesn't give you much say-so.

[♪♪♪]

Careful, this stuff is hot.

What are you kids
looking at me like that for?

I knew women's lib
was protesting

to get out
of the kitchen,

but I never thought
you'd be the weak link.

Laurie's out on a date
and Mom asked me to help out.

Oh, sure.

If a guy comes with a glass
slipper, it's for Keith.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's a good thing Ralph Nader
doesn't know about you.

Otherwise he'd have your brain
recalled for being defective.

Sit down and
have your dinner.

I don't want
any arguing at the table.

Oh, that reminds me, Mom.
There's something

we want to talk to you about.
What is it?

Um, well,
I've been thinking.

We may be doing pretty good
right now, but show business

is a very precarious way
to make a living.

I mean, when was the last time
the Beatles put out a record?

Danny, the Beatles broke up.

They don't exist anymore.
See?

Don't tell me you're not leaving
the group.

Of course not.
I told you not to tell me.

What are you talking about?
Something to fall back on.

Just in case.
CHRIS: Yeah.

Danny and Tracy and me
started our own business.

Terrific. What the world needs
is another lemonade stand.

Just what kind of business
did you have in mind?

Okay?

[♪♪♪]

Behold.

The beginnings
of an empire.

Rats!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Get those rats
out of this house immediately.

What's your business,
stocking tenements?

They're not rats.
They're golden hamburgers.

That's hamsters.

Hamsters?

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

SHIRLEY:
They are kind of cute.

It doesn't look like much
of an empire to me.

We'll raise them and sell them.
We'll make millions.

If that's your plan,
you'll have to get a bigger bag.

Don't worry.
We've got cages.

We just haven't
set them up yet.

We didn't know whether
you'd let us keep them.

I don't know whether I will.
CHRIS: Please?

We'll do all the work.
Yeah, and I'll feed them.

Well, if you really did
take care of them,

it might be a good experience
for them.

Are you kids sure
you can handle this?

Sure we are.
All right. We'll give it a try.

Did you hear that, Dean?
You can stay.

Dean?
DANNY: Yeah.

Dean Martin.
Look at his eyes.

They're pink.
Exactly. Dean Martin.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, remember,
this is just on a trial basis.

Sure, we'll take
such good care of them,

you'll never know there's
a hamster in the house.

CHRIS:
Help me catch her, everybody.

Sonya?
DANNY: Come here, Sonya.

Already I know
there's a hamster in the house.

This exercise wheel works okay,
but it squeaks.

I'll take care of that later.
Let's see if the cage is ready.

Feeding tray.
Check.

Watering cup.
Check.

Sleeping quarters.
Check.

The cage is all set.
Where's the bathroom?

Are you kidding? Hamsters
don't go to the bathroom.

Did you look in the bag?

Hey, did you know
that theoretically

one pair of hamsters
in one year

can produce , offspring
in just one year?

Do you know what that means?
Yeah.

We're gonna have
to get another cage.

No. That means if we sell these
hamsters for a dollar a piece...

we'd make $ ,
in our first year.

That's not bad
for a $ investment.

Wow. They're worth more
than I thought they were.

Yeah. So I don't want anything
to happen to them.

Where are they?
I didn't want them to get loose

while we set up the cage,
so I put them in the bathtub.

You sure they're still there?
[SCREAMING]

Positive.

[♪♪♪]

[TICKING]

Mom, Mom, wake up.

What's the matter?

Something's wrong with
Dean Martin. He's sick.

[SIGHS]

It's probably
just a hangover.

No, the hamster.
He's in terrible pain.

I'm afraid he's gonna die.

He must have eaten something.
What have you been feeding him?

The same stuff
we've been feeding him.

Please come, Mom.
Okay.

What's going on?

Something's wrong
with Dean Martin. He's sick.

It's probably just a hangover.

The hamster.

Nobody got this upset
when I got appendicitis.

Well, you're not a hamster.
Hmm.

How is he?
Getting worse.

Do something, Mom.

Look how swollen he is.
He just lays there.

[♪♪♪]

Can you help him, Mom?

He's going to be
all right.

Dean Martin is having babies.
KEITH: No kidding?

Hey, well, I've never been
a midwife before.

TRACY:
It'll never work.

The stork can't get through
that little tiny door.

Quick. Boil lots
of hot water.

And tear up some clean sheets.
What for?

I don't know. They never
showed that part on TV.

We should call
Marcus Welby.

Those baby hamsters will be born
without the help of Marcus Welby

or my clean sheets.
Are you sure?

They've been doing nicely
for millions of years.

There are three baby hamsters
underneath Dean Martin.

[♪♪♪]

There are two more
in the corner.

I wonder how many in a litter?

According to the book,
there's usually six.

Then where's the other one?

Well, look.

[♪♪♪]

How did Dean do that?

If I hadn't seen it,
I would never believe it.

[♪♪♪]

Isn't it wonderful?

Wow. That's a miracle.

I've tripled my investment
in less than a week.

[♪♪♪]

We're almost through.
Just one more load--

Shirley, I can't
carry anymore.

Load them up, ship them out.
You are a sl*ve driver.

My back is k*lling me.
No more.

So far, you've only carried out
your own two suitcases.

Yeah, but those bags are heavy.
Loaded with carsick pills.

I got queasy
just putting them on the bus.

[GRUNTS]

Mom, bad news.

I can't find anyone
to babysit the hamsters.

I thought Punky Lazaar's sister
was supposed to do it?

She was. But I don't think she's
ever seen a hamster before.

She thought they were rats and
ran out of the house screaming.

She recognizes a rodent
when she sees one.

You're just gonna have
to find someone else.

I've been trying.
I can't get anyone.

If we leave them here alone,
they'll die.

It's time for us to leave.

We'll have to take them
with us. We have no choice.

But you'll have
to take care of them.

I will. I promise.

Yay! We can bring them.

Shirley...

Reuben, I have no choice.

Besides, the kids
will take care of them.

They've been hidden
in the cellar for two months,

and I've never even seen them.

[♪♪♪]

I think you better
give us a hand.

There are at least
forty more cages inside.

Forty?
Yep.

And I've increased
my investment over percent.

Isn't it great?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, let's try it again.
One, two.

One, two, three.

[PLAYING
"TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY"]

♪ Twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Without you
I am spending ♪

♪ All that I knew was-- ♪

Uh, cut. Hold it, hold it.

I'm still getting
that squeal.

Again? That's three takes
it's ruined.

I've checked all my equipment,
so it must be out there.

What does it sound like?

It sounds like this album's
gonna be released as a single.

Maybe it's the amps
feeding back. I'll go check it.

Yeah, you might be right.

[SQUEAKING]

I can hear it.

But it's not the amps.
It sounds more like--

It sounds like what I've heard
in the back of the bus.

All right, Danny,
where is it?

I couldn't help it, Mom.

I think Lord Byron
is gonna have babies.

I couldn't leave him alone
in his hour of need.

Where is it?

[♪♪♪]

You said you were gonna
grease the treadmill.

With a miracle happening
every three seconds,

when have I had a chance?

[PLAYING
"TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY"]

♪ Twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ Without you
I am spending ♪

♪ All that I knew
Was me loving you, girl ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Yeah ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ And I know I love you ♪

♪ And you love me too ♪

♪ But the temptation
For more than me ♪

♪ For moving on was there ♪

♪ You were like the sunshine ♪

♪ And sunshine
Comes and goes ♪

♪ How was I to know
That I would stay ♪

♪ And you'd be the one
To go? ♪

♪ My lover and my friend ♪

♪ My beginning and my end, no ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ What came in between us ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ Girl ♪

♪ That's not the way
I planned it ♪

♪ It would be you
And it would be me, girl ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Yeah ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Girl ♪

♪ All that I knew
Was me loving you, now ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Yeah ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Hey, girl ♪

♪ Just twenty-four hours
A day ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours
A day, now ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours away ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Now, girl ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours a day
Yeah ♪

[HAMSTER WHEEL SQUEAKING]

Keith, we're on in minutes.

Do you have to take up
the whole mirror?

There'd be plenty of room,

but your hamsters
are taking your share.

I better wait
behind someone else.

I forgot it takes you longer
to cover up your bald spot.

Bald spot? What bald spot?
You didn't know?

Oh, well,
it's really nothing.

That's what
a bald spot is, nothing.

I don't have
a bald spot, do I?

Didn't show up
on my school pictures.

If they took school pictures
from the rear,

you'd see your bald spot.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

CHRIS: What's that?
I don't know.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, is it a fire?

No, it's not a fire.

[HAMSTER WHEELS SQUEAKING]

I don't care
if you have reservations.

You're not getting into
this hotel with those rats.

I'll take full responsibility.

Besides, they're not rats,
they're hamsters.

Oh, my mistake.
Hamsters, eh?

Ha, ha, ha. Well, that makes
quite a difference.

You're not getting into
this hotel with those hamsters.

I guess we'll just have to
leave the hamsters in the bus.

Too bad.
Hamsters need to be kept warm.

They'll never survive
out there in the cold.

It's either them or us.

No rodents in the hotel.

[♪♪♪]

When we get rich
from the hamsters,

we'll have to buy this place
and get rid of you-know-who.

Yeah, the creepo.

We'll just have
to leave them in the bus.

But, Mom--
We'll keep them warm.

Driving hamsters around
with the heat on

gets more and more
ridiculous every time.

I'm sorry.
But they had to be kept warm.

This was all I could think of.
Wonderful.

We're staying up so some
rodents won't catch cold.

In the meantime,
I've sweated off pounds

and I don't even
get a rubdown.

It won't happen again.
Danny's gonna get rid of them.

How come the three of us
are doing all the dirty work

and Danny's
gonna make the money?

Because he is management.

He knew we knew we were
gonna be up all night

and he did volunteer
to come with us.

Sure. No sacrifice is
too great for Danny Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

You have too many hamsters
to take care of properly.

It isn't fair
to them or us.

But, Mom, the hamster market
is bound to open up soon.

Two, three years
at the most.

You have to
get rid of them.

I've tried everywhere.
Nobody wants them.

I can't believe how dumb
some people are.

Well, if you can't do it,
then I guess I'm gonna have to.

I've tried everywhere
I know. Honest.

What about the pet shop
that sold them to you?

Everywhere but there.

You sold the hamsters to Danny
for a $ . a piece.

I'm willing to sell them
back to you for cents,

lock, stock and treadmill.
I'm sorry. I'd like to help.

But I'm not in the business
of buying back pets.

You drive a hard bargain.
Fifty cents.

I'm afraid not.
Twenty-five cents?

I just don't need
any hamsters.

But how can you say that?

You only have
these two little hamsters.

[♪♪♪]

PATTERSON:
line of hamsters.

[♪♪♪]

All right.

Free. But that's
my bottom offer.

Danny.
Oh, hi, Mom.

They're all fed and ready
to go to the pet shop.

They're not going
to the pet shop.

Great, I knew
you'd change your mind.

You won't be sorry.
I didn't change my mind.

Mr. Patterson doesn't want them.
Nobody wants them.

Great. We're still
the only people

that know
how valuable they are.

Danny, you don't
seem to understand.

I realize that you are
attached to the hamsters,

but they have to go.
Pets need affection.

And you can't divide your love
a hundred ways.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, I'm afraid
I'm too emotionally involved.

You'll have to do it.

[SIGHS]

I can't do it either.
Great. I knew you couldn't.

So did I.

But we have to do something.

["I WOKE UP IN LOVE
THIS MORNING" PLAYING]

♪ Last night
I turned out the lights ♪

♪ Lay down
And thought about you ♪

♪ I thought about the way
That it could be ♪

♪ Two o'clock, wondering
What I'm doing here ♪

♪ Alone without you ♪

♪ So I close my eyes and dream
You're here to me ♪

♪ And I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Yes, I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Hello, girl
Yes, it's five o'clock ♪

♪ I know
But you just listen ♪

♪ There's something that
I've got to let you know ♪

♪ This is you ♪

♪ This pillow that
I'm hugging and I'm kissing ♪

♪ And one more thing
Before I let you go ♪

♪ And I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ And I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Do dreams come true ♪

♪ Well, if they do
I'll have you ♪

♪ Not just for a night ♪

♪ But for my whole life
Through ♪

♪ And I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Now, I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

♪ Went to sleep with you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

Thank you.

♪ I woke up in love
This morning ♪

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Ah, no more midnight drives

around the same old block
over and over.

It's the best idea
Danny's ever come up with.

Beginner's luck.

Wow, two hamsters.

Take my advice.
Buy another cage

and put them at the opposite
ends of the house.

Pardon me.

How are we doing?
Well, fine.

There's just one problem.
We're gonna run out of hamsters

before we run out
of records.

Chris, Tracy, take
Peter, Paul and Garfunkel

and put them
in the back room.

Give us a couple hours.
We'll have a bunch more for you.

That so?

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I have to admit,
today was a first.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I've never autographed
a hamster before.

Next time I'm gonna have
to breed earthworms.

I'll never have to worry
about getting rid of them

as long as there's dirt.

Reuben, come on in.

Oh, I'll just
stand here.

I mean,
I know it's late...

and I have a friend with me.
Who is it?

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERING]
to know I have one.

Hey, Mr. Kincaid
has a hamster.

[NORMAL VOICE]
I can't get a break.

Okay, I don't wanna hear
any remarks.

Why should we
make any remarks?

Just because you're
walking your hamster?

It was a gift.

A--A friend gave it to me.

It looks like my hamster,
Mister Kincaid.

A friend gave it to you?

Okay, I gave it to me.
I'm a friend.

Look, don't push me, Laurie.

I couldn't stand by and
watch you give away my namesake.

Why'd you bring him here?

Well, because you know
about hamsters.

Oh.

Yeah, he's acting kind of funny.

The poor little guy just
lays in the bottom of his cage.

I think he's in terrible pain.

And he looks so swollen.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Kincaid,
you better sit down.

What for?
Mr. Kincaid,

have you ever thought about
putting out your own album?

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]