02x14 - Where Do Mermaids Go?

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[SINGING
"IT'S TIME THAT I KNEW YOU"]

KINCAID:
driving home this way.

Highway
is shorter and faster.

SHIRLEY:
This way is a little longer,

but it's much prettier.
KINCAID: You call this pretty?

Where's the glamour,
where's the neon?

Where's your soul?

I sold it in
a garage sale.

After three
long weeks on the road,

we deserve
a few days to relax.

I've been
singing so much,

my cheeks
are getting callused.

Keith, slow down.

That looks like
a great spot for a picnic.

A picnic? Darn, I left
my maypole at home.

Let's go explore.

Don't go too far.
We won't.

If we have to have a picnic,
in the parking lot?

Oh, Reuben.
I'm serious.

You don't have
to worry about poison oak

and asphalt
doesn't get in your shoes.

Why don't we spread
the blankets here.

If we want to make
Mr. Kincaid happy,

maybe we should spread
the blankets under the bus.

Perfect. I love oil
in my salad.

Mom, Mom, guess what we found!
What?

A mermaid.
A mermaid?

Over there, come on.

It's probably
a dead perch.

[♪♪♪]

TRACY:
The mermaid's in the pond.

[♪♪♪]

What is it?
Uh, it's nothing.

Right, nothing.
I don't see a thing.

Then, how come
I can't look?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, really?

Out. Everybody out.

[♪♪♪]

That's no dead perch.

Come on, Danny.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Isn't this a beautiful place?
KEITH: Sure is.

JENNY:
when I'm in this area.

Oh? I'll have
to remember that.

Me too.

How long have you been
on the road, Jenny?

About a year.
feel about that?

My parents are dead.
I'm the only one left.

Oh, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.

We weren't a very close family.
I hardly ever knew them at all.

Gee, that's rough.

Well, maybe I missed a lot
not having a family,

but it taught me
to do a lot of things by myself.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Looks like we have company.

Uh-oh.

What does he want?

I'll bet you anything
he wants to hassle me.

Have you done
something wrong?

No, but a lot of people

don't seem to like
the way I look.

They've never seen
your dead-perch act.

Hi, folks.

Are you really
the Partridge Family?

I saw your name
on the side of the bus.

Yes, we are.
Imagine that.

I listen to your records
all the time.

Thank you.

What can we do
for you, officer?

I have a report

that there's a hippie girl
camping around here.

You haven't seen her,
have you?

Has this girl
done something wrong?

Oh, no.
But folks around here

just don't like
that kind hanging around.

What do you intend to do with
this girl when you find her?

Arrest her
for vagrancy or something.

We like to keep them out
so the area

can be enjoyed
by decent folks like yourself.

I see.

Is this girl with you?

[♪♪♪]

Yes, she is.

POLICEMAN:
Okay, then, that's all right.

Say, before I leave,
I wonder if I can get

an autograph
for my son, do you mind?

No, not at all.

What's your son's name?
Officer Mooney.

[♪♪♪]

We should be home
in a couple of hours.

You might as well spend
the night at our place.

Thank you.

You know, you really
have a great family.

You're all so together.

Yeah. We get along
most of the time.

In a way I feel sorry for you.
You do?

You've got everything going
for you, except freedom.

Who's not free?

I mean, you all
have to work so much.

I think we're lucky.

I mean, we do work hard,
but let's face it:

There are worse ways
of making a living.

Yeah, there's other things
besides making money.

True,
but the only reason

Mom let us form the group
in the first place

was to make enough money
to put us through college.

But I guess
it would be nice

if we had a million dollars
and didn't have to work.

As a kid,

I always wished someone would
give me a million dollars.

Yeah, that'd be all right.

DANNY:
Tax-free?

[♪♪♪]

Morning.
JENNY: Morning.

DANNY:
to a Boy Scout jamboree.

But I don't think
you'll pass the physical.

I hope not.

Well, I guess
I better get along.

Where you gonna go?

I don't know.

But I'll see you again.
Goodbye.

I think Tracy'd like
to say goodbye. I'll go get her.

I looked into her room
on the way down.

Let her sleep.
Goodbye.

Look, could I give you
a ride or something?

No, thanks.
I'd rather walk.

Goodbye.
Be careful.

Don't take a ride
from strangers.

DANNY:
See you later.

Goodbye, Jenny.
Bye.

Mom, look what the tooth fairy
left under my pillow.

I didn't know
you had a loose tooth.

I didn't.
I guess I owe her one.

What is it, Mom?

A bankbook.

A million dollars
deposited in my name.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, is this
your idea of a joke?

Are you kidding?

I don't even pretend
to give away money.

Let me see.
Something fell out.

It's a note
from Jenny.

"Hi.

You probably think this
is a joke, but it isn't.

I inherited a $ -million
business from my father,

and I doubt
if this even amounts

to the interest
in his investments.

Please accept this
not as a gift,

but for being a family to me
that I never had.

I hope you use
the money

to find the kind
of freedom I have.

Love, Jenny."

I think the tooth fairy
just bounced her first check.

Nobody gives away
a million dollars.

No, they don't.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?
Mrs. Partridge?

Yes, this is Mrs. Partridge.

This is L.J. Belson.

President of the San Pueblo
National Bank.

Yes, Mr. Belson.

I'm very sorry I was late
with that mortgage payment.

But I mailed it
out yesterday.

BELSON:
Oh, I'm sure you did.

I was just calling
to congratulate you

on being our first
million-dollar depositor.

Now, now,
you be sure

and call me
if you need any little thing.

Why, yes...

I will. Thank you.

What's wrong, Mom?

Are they foreclosing?

No, not today.

Kids,

we're millionaires.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Now that you've got
a million dollars,

what's the first thing
you're gonna do?

Gloat.

Besides that.

Invest it.

I think the first thing
I'm gonna do is

charter a boat and sail
to the Caribbean.

Great.
I'll rent it to you.

Why don't you buy
the boat, Keith?

Because
I bought it first.

What are you
gonna do, Chris?

Buy a catcher's mitt.

No wonder you're so short,
you think small.

But then I'm gonna buy
the Los Angeles Dodgers.

I'm not selling.

Hi.

Yachting caps?

Why not? Our ship's
finally come in.

[♪♪♪]

Something wrong?

Everybody in town must know
we have a million dollars.

People keep calling me
trying to sell me something.

That phone hasn't
stopped ringing.

So have it disconnected.
We can afford it.

I'm not gonna spend
any of that money.

Mom, you don't make
any money if you save it.

You have to invest.

Danny, we're not gonna save it
or invest it or anything else.

We're going to give it back.

You're kidding.

I have the police out searching
for Jenny right now.

I'm sure by now she's had time
to think about it.

She'll want it back.

Oh, I doubt it.

I think that's why
she left the way she did,

so we had to take it.

Oh, the Partridge Family,
all together.

Just as I imagined
you would be.

We're not all together.
Laurie and Tracy aren't here.

Well, I have
a very poor imagination.

Allow me
to introduce myself.

Lumus D. Palmer.

We have mutual friends.

Who?

I understand you may be seeking
roomier living quarters.

I know of a luxurious estate
on the coast of Maine.

Now I recognize that voice.

I just talked
to you on the phone.

Yes, unfortunately
we were disconnected.

I hung up on you!

If you're
not interested in that,

perhaps a rancho grande
in West Texas.

Go away.

How about a hunting lodge
in Detroit?

Out!

A manservant,
I have excellent references.

But I don't need a Learjet.
It wouldn't fit in our garage.

TRACY:
Mom?

I brought a friend home.
Is that okay?

Sure.
Come on in, Bill.

Tracy, where
did you get that?

A man gave it to me.

A man just doesn't
give you a pony.

He did.
He said he'd bill you later.

That's why
I named him Bill.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.

Miss Laurie Partridge?
Yes.

My name is Sir Guy.

You bought a dress
I designed at Bartlett's today.

I thought I might take
this opportunity to deliver it.

In person.
Oh, well, thank you.

I'm pleased that
you selected my design.

Though it is the cheapest...

The least expensive
of my line.

I thought I might take
this opportunity to show you

my more exclusive designs.

Sheila.

[♪♪♪]

Sheila is wearing
a black crepe evening dress

with a modest
plunge back.

And silver slippers, perfect
for a night out with a diplomat

or your favorite
student prince.

Only $ , without
the slippers, of course.

Thank you, Sheila.

Tanya.

Tanya is dressed
in a silver lamè sheath

accessorized
with mother-of-pearl.

Mom, there're five
more girls out there.

I can bring more.

I'm sorry.

I don't approve of
door-to-door fashion shows.

It's only $ .

I don't care. Get your
mother-of-pearl out of here!

As you wish. Come, Tanya.

I should have realized
we were dealing with

peasants.

[♪♪♪]

Mom, I didn't know
a thing about that.

I just bought a $ dress.

Honey, it isn't your fault.
They found out we're rich,

and the sharks
are coming in for the--

Excuse me,
ladies.

Who are you?
A telephone man, lady.

I just put a phone
in that redheaded kid's room.

Oh, you did.

[♪♪♪]

Danny?

DANNY:
Sorry, Mom, I'm indisposed.

You better get disposed
and open this door.

Mom, Howard Hughes
never opens his door.

Danny, you're
gonna open this door

and get rid
of that phone immediately.

Okay.

Mom, if you're not gonna
let me be a financial mogul,

you probably won't let me keep
my private secretary either.

Your what?

[♪♪♪]

What a rotten day.

LAURIE:
What happened?

The owner
of the taco stand

insisted I open
a charge account.

I did because
it gave me a chance

to do something
I always wanted to do.

Oh?

Yeah, I took
all my friends down there,

and I let them eat
all they wanted to, on me.

Twenty-six bucks
worth of tacos.

That made you feel bad?

I thought it would be
a groovy thing to do, you know?

But they didn't
appreciate it.

I mean,
they ate the tacos.

They didn't
eat them with meaning.

You know what I mean?
DANNY: Yeah, I know.

I gave Punky Lazaar
my old first baseman's mitt.

He asked me why
I didn't buy him a new one.

I guess
when you get something

for nothing
you just don't appreciate it

as much as when you
have to work for it yourself.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

If you're
not a salesman, come in.

Hi.

Well, guess what.

I finally managed
to get you booked

into Oceanside Park
this weekend.

Why should we work?
We're filthy rich.

I'll tell you why:
It'll be fun.

I'd much rather be
like we were two weeks ago

than like
we are right now.

Me too.
I never dreamed

that money could make us
fall apart like this.

It's just like the tacos.
It was given to us.

Well, then I think
the first order of business

is to give the money back.

[♪♪♪]

Can I have a little time
to think it over?

KEITH:
Where are we gonna find Jenny?

The police haven't come up
with anything yet.

Well, have you
tried looking

in the same place
you found her?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no sense
in all of us going.

I'll go see
if she's here.

I'd better go with him,
Mom. He might get lost.

Three heads are
better than two.

[♪♪♪]

I take it you
found her.

Found? Who?

DANNY:
The perch.

Come on.

SHIRLEY:
with money if you work for it.

It's a symbol for your labor.

So you can respect it
and appreciate it.

But if it's given to you,
it isn't the same.

It isn't really yours.

KEITH:
Money isn't freedom.

If it were, you wouldn't be
living the way you do.

I guess you're right.
I hardly spend any money at all.

That's why you feel free.
You do it yourself.

Well, if that's the way
you feel, I'll take it back.

This is the first time

someone's given back
a million dollars.

Well,

not quite a million.

Being a millionaire
has some overhead.

Installing a phone,
uninstalling a phone.

Twenty-six dollars
worth of tacos.

One million dollars even.

You're gonna make up
the difference.

You're kidding?

Will I have to pay for the man
who cleaned up after my pony?

[♪♪♪]

[SINGING "IT'S TIME
THAT I KNEW YOU BETTER"]

[CROWD CLAPPING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

With a hotel,
that's $ you owe me.

Okay.

Let's see, I can mortgage
Baltic and Oriental.

Uh-huh. And that
puts you about short.

Face it, you're
out of the game.

I've got a deal
for you.

How about if I owe you
the money and pay you later?

Not a chance.
Pay up.

Look, you've got
all the money now.

What good will
it do you if I go out?

I'll win.

A bird out of the game
is worth two in contention.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?
Mrs. Partridge?

This is L.J. Belson.

President of the bank.

Oh, yes, Mr. Belson.

I've called
to congratulate you again.

You were the first person
to deposit a million dollars.

You were also the first person
to withdraw a million dollars.

Yes, I'm sorry about that,
Mr. Belson, but things happen.

Please, please,
no excuses are necessary.

Easy come, easy go.

Of course,
we'll continue to extend

the same, fine courteous
service we always have.

Thank you.
There's only one thing:

Your mortgage payment
is one week late.

I'd like to see that check

in this office
next week or else.

If you've already mailed
the check, ignore this call.

I have and I will.

Goodbye.

What was that
all about?

Do not pass go.

Do not collect
a million dollars.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]