02x15 - Home Is Where the Heart Was

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC AND g*nshots ON TV]

Who left this mess
in here?

Who made that mess
in the kitchen?

Did you want
something, Mom?

No, I always talk to myself.
Who made that mess?

Well, no one's perfect.

Mom, I know
I left my leotards

hanging in the bathroom,
but they're not dry yet.

Are there any more confessions
before I narrow it down

to an apple core,
a banana peel

and the rest of that stuff
left on the kitchen sink?

Oh, that mess.
That mess.

You left the refrigerator door
open, the milk was left out,

and you know the garbage goes
in the garbage disposal.

We're sorry.
Sorry isn't enough, Tracy.

I've told you this
time after time,

and it just seems to go in
one ear and out the other.

CHRIS: We'll clean it up.
Right after the movie.

No more movie.
It's bedtime.

In fact, it's past
your bedtime. Let's go.

You're gonna make us go to bed
in the middle of the ambush?

After you clean up
the mess.

No fair.
They get to stay up.

SHIRLEY: They're older.
We didn't ask to be born last.

Golly.
We ought to run away.

After you clean up the mess.
Then we'll run away.

Fine.
How about waiting

until morning after you've
had a good night's sleep?

[♪♪♪]

Now we can watch
the sexy movie.

[♪♪♪]

She's not even worried.

Let's really run away.
Okay, let's do it.

[♪♪♪]

Boy, it's dark
out there.

I have a better plan:

Let's run away
in the morning

after we've had
a good night's sleep.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

All right, everybody,
let's get started.

One, two,
one, two, three.

[SINGING
"I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU"]

We sounded pretty good.

Yeah, I demand a raise,

or I'm gonna
join the King Family.

Are we done?
Yes, I guess so.

Then, may we be excused?
We're gonna run away now.

Bye.

See you.

Mom.

Kids, wait a minute.

If you're gonna run away,

you'll have to take
more than that.

I mean, you'll need
a change of clothes.

It'll be cold tonight.
You'll need your jackets.

Oh, I didn't
think of that.

Well, you have to think
of those things

if you're running away.
You'll have to pack a suitcase.

She's always
been right before.

Yeah, besides,

I forgot my baseball.
Come on, Tracy.

What kind of advice was that?
You encouraged them to run away.

No wonder
I feel so insecure.

If you force
a child to stay at home

it's only gonna make him
wanna run away more.

There's nothing
to worry about.

They're not going anywhere.
Well, they're packing.

I'll tell you exactly
what's going to happen:

They'll walk out of here,
go about halfway down the block,

as far as Mrs. Monihan's.

They'll stop in
and have some brownies.

After they've had a few,

they'll forget why
they're mad and come home.

The whole process
takes about minutes.

How do you figure that?

You guys certainly
have short memories.

You two did the very same thing.
Oh, great.

I thought I had you
worried to death.

Well, I hope you know
what you're doing, Mom.

Believe me, I do.
I'm gonna call Mrs. Monihan

right now and tell her
to expect them.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I see you're all packed.
Yeah.

I guess this is goodbye then.
I guess so.

Goodbye.
Bye.

Bye, kids.

Will you feed
my turtles?

Sure.

Bye-bye, Trace.
Bye.

You want some sandwiches
to take along or something?

No, thanks.
We'll get something.

Yeah, maybe
some brownies. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Want me to follow them?

Give them a head start,
then follow them.

Mrs. Monihan, you better
break out the brownies.

You should be able
to see them coming by now.

You do? Good.

No, Keith isn't
running away again.

He's just
following them.

[♪♪♪]

Maureen.

Maureen, you know
I'd do anything for you,

but I just can't do it
over the phone.

Besides, it wouldn't sound
right without a guitar.

Yeah, okay, look,
I can't talk right now.

That I believe.
He can barely spell.

Keith, are you
still on that phone?

I'm expecting
a call from Mrs. Monihan.

Bye.
Are you worried?

Why should I worry?

Keith, you did see them go
to Mrs. Monihan's, didn't you?

Sure did. You called it
right down the line.

They've been gone an hour.

Well, you are worried.

No, it's just that--

Well, you came home
in minutes.

And Danny
came home in .

You can't go
by that, Mom.

Kids today lead
a different lifestyle.

Mom, why don't you
just call them

and tell them
to come home?

Oh, Laurie, you missed
the whole point.

They-- They have to wanna
come home on their own.

I think I'll call Mrs. Monihan
about that bake sale.

Mom, that was
last week.

Then I'll call her
about the kids.

You big phony.
Out.

Hello, Mrs. Monihan,
this is Shirley.

Please don't tell Chris
and Tracy I'm calling

but I think it's
about time they--

They did?
Why didn't you call me?

The line was busy.
What's wrong?

No, no, don't worry.

I'll-- I'll
let you know.

Yes, thank you.

They left minutes ago.
KEITH: Where did they go?

She thought
they came home.

They must be
in the neighborhood.

I'll go check the tree house.
LAURIE: I'll check the park.

I'll check
the garbage cans.

Well, it's a great
hiding place.

You never found me
when I hid in the garbage cans.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, Max?
How are you?

Shirley, I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

but Chris
and Tracy are here,

and a cab driver
that wants $ . .

They're at Reuben's.

Are they all right?

They're doing
better than I am.

So don't worry
about a thing, Max.

Just tell me what to do.

Heads up,
Mr. Kincaid.

And you'd better
make it quick.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Is your mother here?

Where's Chris and Tracy?
At my place.

You left them alone?
No, I left them at the pool.

Four beautiful girls: Babs
and Carol and Tina and Alice.

It sounds
like an X-rated movie.

Where are the children?

He left them
with Babs and Carol

and Tina and Alice.
SHIRLEY: Are they all right?

Hell, I should be doing so well.
Now, what is going on?

I punished them
for making a mess.

Well, they ran away.

Well, they sure left
well-prepared.

I lifted their suitcases
and nearly threw my back out.

Mom, don't you think
we ought to go and get them?

Not yet.

Honey, I want them
to come home on their own.

Reuben,

would you mind if they stayed
with you for a couple of hours?

Of course not,
but what good will that do?

Well, maybe
you can show them

the bad side
of living alone.

Great idea, Mom.

A couple hours
with Mr. Kincaid

would drive anybody home.

Danny,

if you'd like to go
to the beach with me,

I'll let you swim
in the riptide.

Riptides are dangerous.

Oh, who told you that?

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We had a lot of fun
with the babysitters.

Yeah, wonderful.

Wish I could say
the same thing.

Chris, we-- We have
to have a man-to-man--

Man-- Talk-- Talk.

Oh, excuse me.

You know,
a bachelor doesn't have

a mother
to take care of him.

So he has to take care
of everything...

[SNEEZES]

...himself.
Do you have a cold?

No.

It's the darndest thing.
It feels like my allergy.

Well, what are you
allergic to?

Uh, certain kinds of dogs.

What kind of dogs?

Long-haired dogs.

Sheepdogs are the worst,

like the kind the people
next door have.

Makes me sneeze
and break out in hives.

Are hives like little red marks
all over your face?

Well, yes.

Guess what your neighbors
let me play with?

[♪♪♪]

Tracy, will you hurry up
with your bath?

I have to put some calamine
lotion on my hives.

Tracy.

[♪♪♪]

Tracy.

Oh, Tracy.

I only used this much.

Well, stay here.
I'll-- I'll get a mop.

Ah!

Mr. Kincaid,
where did you go?

[SNEEZING]

God bless you.

[♪♪♪]

What's that?

It's the darndest thing
I've ever seen.

It almost looks human.

See, it has
ten fingers and ten toes.

What's all
the rest of it?

Well, that's what's
got me stumped.

Okay, kids,
time for you to go to bed.

Already?
I thought bachelors

got to stay up
as long as they wanted to.

Oh, now, you are
only apprentice bachelors.

Now, bachelor-union rules
specifically state

that apprentices
under the age of

must to go bed
at : p.m.

All right.

Good night.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.
KINCAID: Shirley. Reuben.

How are the kids?
Fine.

Why don't you let them
spend the night here.

I'm not doing anything.

Sure.
It's very nice of you, but--

I am not
doing it to be nice.

I'm out for revenge.

Believe me, tomorrow
they'll wanna come home.

Are you sure?
Positive.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

There's my doorbell.
Talk to you later.

Well, all right. Goodbye.

Bonnie!

[♪♪♪]

Bonnie Kleinschmitt,
what are you doing here?

One of the other
stewardesses wanted

to go to Seattle,
so we changed flights.

Since I'm only going
to be in town for one night,

naturally
I thought of you.

Thanks.

I, um...

I brought some champagne

for us to start
the evening with.

We, uh...
We'd better not open that.

The pop might wake up--
The neighbors.

At : ?

Why, I thought this was
a swinging singles' apartment.

Right.

Everyone is resting up
for the long night ahead.

Why don't we watch
some television?

I-- I think
Billy Graham's on.

Reuben, if I wanted
to watch Billy Graham

this would be
the last place I'd come to.

Mr. Kincaid?

Take a letter,
Miss Kleinschmitt.

"I, Reuben Kincaid--"
Who are these kids?

Ki-Kids?

Oh.

Uh, Bonnie,

meet Chris and Tracy.

Did you run away too?

No, but I'm about to.

Now, Bonnie, I am
only babysitting for a friend.

They'll be gone
in an hour.

I promise. Now--
Wait for me, please?

Just one hour?
Well...

You don't wanna go
through your whole life

with the name
Kleinschmitt, do you?

I'll wait.

Mr. Kincaid--

Kids, how would
you like to play a game?

I don't think so.
Good, it's a great game.

Blackjack.
We've never played that game.

Don't worry,
I'll teach you.

It's lots of fun.

Whoever gets
all the chips wins.

Whoever loses all the chips
has to go home.

[♪♪♪]

Certainly is nice to have
dinner in peace and quiet.

Yeah, no
little kids arguing.

Seems strange
eating dinner

without Tracy sticking
her hand in my gravy.

I know.
Without Chris here,

there's no one to throw
my mashed potatoes at.

That does it.

Danny can't even throw
his mashed potatoes at anyone.

I'm gonna go and get them.

You're gonna
go back on your word?

Yes.

Blackjack.

I have .
You're not supposed to tell me.

I have . Well, I was
gonna draw anyway.

Four. Sorry,
and four is .

Twenty-two.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Mr. Kincaid, do you wanna
borrow some more?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, no. Practice.

Just more minutes--

SHIRLEY: Hi, Reuben.
Shirley.

Oh, my goodness.

Is this where
you ran away to?

Yeah.
What are you doing here?

I'm running away.

To here?

Yes.
Would you like a brownie?

Mommies don't run away.
That doesn't make sense.

They're right.
You should be home.

You should all be home.

Reuben.

I just dropped by to say
goodbye to Reuben

on my way to hop
a freight train out of town.

Are you really leaving?
Yes.

Why?

I'm just tired
of being the bad guy.

Always having
to tell my children

to pick their things up,
when to go to bed.

They always think I'm mean.

No, we don't.
Yes, we do.

Well, some of the time.

TRACY:
You can't run away.

We need you, right?
Right.

You mean you would
if you were going back home.

TRACY:
Well, yeah.

But mothers have
responsibilities.

You gotta stay home.

Why?

Keith and Laurie
are getting older now.

And Danny can
take care of himself,

and, well,
my two babies are gone.

Mommies need someone
to take care of and to love,

and we need to be loved.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be hopping
that freight train out of town.

I love you.
We both do.

I love you too.

No mother of ours is gonna hop
a freight out of town.

We'll go home first.

We were coming home
an hour ago.

Except Mr. Kincaid
wanted to play blackjack.

You're kidding.

[SINGING "SUMMER DAYS"]

[♪♪♪]

Tracy, have you been
playing in my gravy?

What makes you
say that?

There's a tiny handprint
in my mashed potatoes.

Mom, Danny's gonna flip
his peas at me.

Danny.
Shirley, I really appreciate

your inviting me
over for dinner.

I'd hoped
it would make up

for the kids
bothering you last night.

Ah.

Yeah, we hear that

happy bachelor life
is really something.

You only know
the half of it.

You're too young
to hear the other half.

DANNY:
Mr. Kincaid?

Yeah?

Bet you cents
I can get that

quarter out without
touching the cup.

You're on.
DANNY: Okay.

Abba-kazabba kazabble,

quarter go
through the table.

Well, that's not
the same quarter. See?

There, I just got it
without touching the cup.

Danny, if you're
ever thinking

of running away
from home...

Yeah?

...do it.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]