02x16 - Fellini, Bergman, and Partridge

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

? Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ?

? Come on, get happy ?

? A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ?

? We'd spread a little love ?

? And then we'll keep
Movin' on ?

? Something always happens
Whenever we're together ?

? We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ?

? Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ?

? Come on, get happy ?

? A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We'll make you happy ?

? We'll make you happy ?

[♪♪♪]

And I say those films
can't even compare

with Fellini and Bergman.

I'm not comparing them
to Fellini and Bergman, you are.

Look, I'll admit
they weren't polished,

but those films
were bordering on genius.

Those films were
bordering on boredom.

LAURIE:
I never said they were perfect.

They're underground films.

And that's where
they should've left them too.

I'm afraid to ask,
but how was the film?

Great.
Terrible.

I didn't realize
you were taking them

to a controversial film.

We went to see
some experimental films

by some young
filmmakers.

And I thought the films
were extremely artistic

and enlightening.

Okay. Well, then maybe you
can explain to me

why the flowers exploded.

Why the flowers exploded?

That's obvious,
Danny.

Well, of course,
it's obvious.

DANNY:
Fine. Then maybe you can explain

why they covered that asparagus
patch with whipped cream.

I hate to interrupt, Reuben,
but it's time for Danny

to go to bed.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, pleasant dreams.

You've gotta
be kidding.

Come on, boy.

[♪♪♪]

Good night, sweetheart.
KEITH: Good night, Danny.

Good night.

Asparagus
and whipped cream?

Laurie thinks
that's art.

You think "Flash Gordon"
serials are art.

Well, at least
"Flash Gordon" is funny.

It certainly makes more sense
than all that phony symbolism.

I suppose you
could do better?

I'd love to make a movie

putting on all those hokey
experimental films.

Not only would mine be funnier,
it would be better too.

Spoken like
a true egomaniac.

Mom, do we still have
that old mm camera?

Top shelf, hall closet.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

I forgot all about
that old camera, Shirley.

How come you don't
use it anymore?

Well, I used to show
so many home movies

that one by one, my friends
started to drift away.

Mom, it's beautiful.

Would you like us
to leave you two alone?

You know, I really could
make my own movie.

Let's see, film and developing,
say, bucks.

Mom?
Sorry.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, no. No way.

[♪♪♪]

I only launch new careers.
I don't finance them.

Where am I gonna get
that kind of money?

DANNY:
Psst. Psst.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Come on, Danny. If you're
willing to lend me the money,

there's gotta be
a string attached.

Can't I--?

Can't I just want
the satisfaction

of helping
a brother in need?

Uh-huh.
Try again.

Okay, maybe I'm investing
in your future.

Oh, sure you are.

Okay...

I want a piece
of the action.

Piece of what action?

Lights, camera,
action.

[♪♪♪]

This is ridiculous.

Humans are ridiculous.

That's gonna be
the message of my film.

Come on,
give it a try.

All right, what do you
want me to do?

Now, you're Cleopatra

and I want you to exit
your tent to this door.

Now, Cleopatra was
very sexy, so be sexy, okay?

I feel silly.

Don't worry about it.
Just act natural.

DANNY:
You better make up your mind.

Do you want her to act
natural or act sexy?

I know what
he wants.

Okay.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

Cleopatra being sexy.
Take one.

And action.

[♪♪♪]

Cut it.

Cleopatra being dull.
Take one.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Everybody's going places ♪

♪ Doing things ♪

♪ Look at all
The smiling faces ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ We're having a ball ♪

♪ Doing a number ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Getting it on ♪

♪ Together, together
Together ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Town to town we've found
The sound that's happening ♪

♪ And what we've found ♪

♪ Is what we play
And sing ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We're having a ball ♪

♪ Just doing a number ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Just getting it on ♪

♪ Together, together
Together ♪

♪ Having a ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, we're having
A ball ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Yeah, having a ball ♪

[LAUGHING]

Waiting for someone?

Uh, yeah.

Mr. Kincaid. He's gonna be
in our film.

Oh, really?

Well, he doesn't actually know
he's gonna be in our film.

All right,
let's have it.

Uh, it was all
Danny's idea.

It's ingenious.

In fact, it borders
on being diabolical.

Yeah. You see, my film needed
a little production value.

And we couldn't afford
any costumes, so...

We invited Mr. Kincaid
to a costume party.

You didn't.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

RUEBEN:
Talk about your law and order.

A guy isn't safe
on the streets anymore.

What happened?

Oh, a couple of wiseacres
followed me here in the car.

And then they got mad because
I wouldn't grant their wish.

What wish was that?

I don't wanna
talk about it.

But if I hadn't managed
to poke one of them in the eye

with my magic wand,

well, I might not
be here right now.

Oh, and I even got
my hem all dirty.

Hey, why don't you have
your costume on?

Reuben, I have
a confession to make.

I have a couple
of rotten kids.

This isn't a put-on.

No. No, they wouldn't.

Dolley Madison.
Take one.

They would.

Reuben,
you're on camera.

[♪♪♪]

REUBEN:
Some world premiere this is.

You don't have
one searchlight out front.

Kids, here are your seats.

Well, it's only
a home movie.

But maybe I should go outside
and wave a flashlight.

It's gonna be good.
You'll really like it.

I certainly hope so,

the way you've been hounding us
the last two weeks.

Popcorn. Get your
home-popped popcorn here.

Mr. Kincaid?

Thought popcorn
was supposed to be white.

So? So, what
if it's a little b*rned?

This isn't a first-class
theater, you know.

You could do charcoal
etchings with this stuff.

When are we gonna see
the movie?

Yeah. I'm getting bored.

Wait until
you see the movie.

Okay. Ready.

Now, remember,
this is just a rough cut.

I've been editing it
on that little viewer,

so this is the first time
I'm gonna see it myself.

What does that mean?

That means that
your big brother

is copping out.

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

What's that?

I put them in.

You can't have a film
without credits.

I thought this film was titled
The History of the World.

DANNY:
the title.

We ran out of film in the middle
of the th century.

"Produced by
Danny Partridge"?

I deserve a credit.

"Inspired and financed
by Danny Partridge."

ALL:
the personal supervision

of Danny Partridge."

Where's my credit?

I ran out of paper towels.

REUBEN: Oh, that's exciting.
[SHIRLEY LAUGHS]

SHIRLEY:
Very good, Chris.

You're a real artist.

LAURIE:
That's really cute.

Oh.
[LAUGHS]

LAURIE:
That is delightful, Tracy.

Hey, Keith,
this is great stuff.

You could sell it
to the Keyhole Theater.

What's that?

The stuff we couldn't sell
to the theater.

Oh, funny.

SHIRLEY:
Oh.

[DANNY WOLF WHISTLING]

Very sexy, Laurie.

Well, I tried.

[LAURIE LAUGHING]

LAURIE:
Oh. That's great, Mom.

REUBEN:
your life singing.

LAURIE: What a ham.
I'm a real Sophia Loren.

Who?
Who?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I just realized,
for the first time,

how much I look like
my mother.

I feel sorry
for your father.

[LAUGHS]

SHIRLEY:
You're beautiful, Reuben.

There goes
our GP rating.

Psst, Keith?
Keith, come here.

What is it? We're just getting
to the best part.

I know. Do you hear
that laughter?

Yeah. I think
they like it.

Even more than I thought
they would.

Exactly. You never know
what the public will like.

I always thought I'd be worried
about getting my bucks back.

Keith, we're sitting
on a gold mine.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

At cents admission,

all we have to sell
is tickets

and we've covered
the cost of the film.

Anything after that
is pure profit.

[SIGHS]

To tell you the truth,
Danny,

I was a little disappointed
with the film.

Name one thing
wrong with it.

Soft focus, overexposure,

sun glare, strobing effect,
harsh lighting.

Well, if you're gonna
be picky...

Besides, it was
supposed to be funny.

And everyone agrees
it was funny.

Yeah.

When Reuben walked in
in that dress...

See? You think
it was funny.

Yeah, it was funny,
I guess.

[SIGHS]

Okay, let's give it a sh*t.
Where shall we show it?

Grauman's Chinese
is booked.

How about our garage?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Mr. Promoter,
where are all the people?

Give them a chance.

I think an hour and a half
is a terrific chance.

We should have had
a sneak preview first.

Then word of mouth
would stir people's interest.

When enough people
are interested,

wham, we sock it
to them.

I'm not interested
in the money.

I'm just interested
in aesthetics.

I wanna be judged
by my peers.

But your peers
didn't show up.

Yeah, well, I've waited
long enough.

I got a date.
Where you going?

[SIGHS]

If I'm unlucky,
the taco stand.

If I'm lucky,
Muldoon's Point.

[♪♪♪]

That would be
some sneak preview.

[♪♪♪]

You know, kid,

it ain't any of my business,
because the meter's running.

But I don't think any
of these people

are here to see a movie.

It's perfect.

They'll have something
to look at

when they come up
for air.

They ain't gonna see nothing.

The windows
are all steamed up.

I'm counting on the film
being good enough

to grab
their interest.

Is it dirty?

Of course not.

Then it ain't gonna
grab their interest.

Come on,
give me a hand.

[♪♪♪]

Look at these people.

The guys are only interested
in the girls as sex objects.

I don't think it's right.

Uh...

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

[SIGHS]

Well, wanna go get a taco
or something?

Imagine, me out
with Keith Partridge.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no.

Wait here.
And don't look.

[♪♪♪]

Danny,
what are you doing?

Having a sneak preview
for your peers.

What is this?

GUY :
Somebody's idea of a joke?

[HORNS HONKING]
Let's get out of here.

These kids are getting
more rocks.

[CAR HORNS BLARING]

GUY :
Give me another rock.

GUY :
Get me another rock.

Why did you have to show it
at Muldoon's Point?

You said you wanted
to be judged by your peers.

I didn't know
they'd be armed.

I don't mind being panned,
but being pelted...

Keith, maybe you can't blame it
entirely on the audience.

Looking back, I see your movie
had one basic flaw.

What's that?

It was rotten.

What?
I'm just being objective.

A b*mb is a b*mb.

Looks like Zanuck
and Hitchcock

are having a big
production meeting.

If you're talking about
your next film,

I hope you'll consider
leaving town to sh**t it.

We're going shopping.
Do you need anything?

Yeah. Stop at the local
t*rture shop

and pick up a pair
of thumbscrews.

Danny's size.

Why do that? If you really
wanna t*rture him,

just show him
your movie again.

Bye.
Bye.

Boy, everybody turns
on you when you're down.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

This is, uh,
Sam Greasley,

owner of the Royal Theater.

Can I speak
to Keith Partridge?

Speaking.
Oh, yeah, Keith.

Listen, I understand
that you have a film

with all the members
of the family in it.

How did you know that?

Well, my son said he saw it
up at Muldoon's Point.

Oh, did he like it?

He-- He didn't say.

But I feel

that any
Partridge Family movie

would be worthwhile
to show in my theater.

You're kidding.
No.

You know, just a little
something

to fill in
after the main feature.

What if I gave you,
say, oh, $ ?

A hundred dollars?

It's a crank call.

Well, yeah.
Sure, Mr. Greasley,

I'll bring it by tonight.
Yeah, okay. Goodbye.

Oh, and by the way,

you've made a new filmmaker
really happy.

Yeah. Okay. Goodbye.

[SIGHS]

So you thought it
was a b*mb, huh?

The owner of the Royal Theater
just called

and offered me $
for my film.

That's six-and-a-half times
the original investment.

Keith, when can you have your
next production ready to roll?

You know, I was beginning
to have self-doubts.

But $
for my first film.

Boy, wait till Mom
hears about this.

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SIGHS]

You don't think there might be
two Partridge Families?

I'll k*ll them.

[♪♪♪]

When you took
those pictures,

you never said anything
about showing them in public.

Me playing Cleopatra.

I'll never be able to face
any of my friends again.

You made me look
pretty dumb.

If my teacher sees
that bathtub scene,

I'll be thrown out
of first grade.

[♪♪♪]

If you think I'm going
to make my screen debut

with gossamer wings
and a dirty hem, forget it.

Drove by the theater, huh?
No.

I read it in the entertainment
section of my paper.

Why couldn't you choose

a nice, normal hobby,
like sorcery?

Don't worry, Reuben,
that film will not be shown.

But, Mom, I promised
Mr. Greasley

I'd have it there tonight.

I can't go back
on my word.

The people
are gonna expect

to see the Partridge Family
on film.

Fine. But first,

you're going to cut out
all of the embarrassing parts.

And we're going
to help you.

You're gonna censor my film?
Come on.

That's like putting your foot
through a Rembrandt.

LAURIE:
In this case, it's more like

putting your foot
through a beer sign.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Well, I hope
you're happy.

There lies the best work
of my life

on the cutting room floor.

Is that all?
That's it.

Like to know what's left
of my masterpiece?

What?

Nothing but sh*ts
of people waving.

You're kidding.

[SIGHS]
No.

And that's not exactly
what Mr. Greasley paid for.

Mom,
he's advertised.

We're gonna have an awful lot
of explaining to do.

I suppose
that's true.

Then I can work
on my film.

ALL:
No!

Okay, what am I
gonna do?

The only
logical thing.

Get the money
before he sees the film.

Well, there is one way.

If we all agree to it.

[PLAYING "HELLO, HELLO"]

? Hello, hello ?

? Hello, hello ?

KEITH:
? I love you so ?

? I love you so ?

KEITH:
? Yet it all began ?

? When I ran ?

? Into you ?

? Not so long ago ?

? And since that day
I wanted to say ?

? Hello, oh, oh ?

? Hello ?

? Hello, hello ?

? Would you like to go ?

ALL:
? Would you like to go ?

KEITH:
? To a place with me ?

? Ah ?

? Where we can watch ?

? The hours go by ?

? 'Cause you're someone
I'd like to get to know ?

? Oh, oh ?

? I still don't know
Your name ?

? And I
I couldn't care less ?

? I like what I
Already see ?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

? Whatever sign you are ?

? Or what's your address ?

? Don't really matter
Much to me ?

? Just wanna say ?

? Hello, hello ?

? Hello, hello ?

? I love you so ?

? I love you so ?

? Yet it all began ?

? When I ran ?

? Into you ?

? Not so long ago ?

? And since that day ?

? I've wanted to say ?

? Hello, oh, oh ?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
? Hello, hello ?

? Hello ?

? Hello, hello ?

[♪♪♪]

One for you. One for me.
One for Mr. Kincaid.

One for you. One for me.
One for Mr. Kincaid.

One for you.
One for me. One...

What are you doing?

Divvying up the money
from Mr. Greasley?

No.

We invested our money
in a new business.

Well, it certainly
looks profitable.

Did Reuben put up
the rest of the money?

No, but he's still
a partner.

Yeah. Only he doesn't

exactly know
he's a partner.

I'm a little afraid

to ask this next
question,

but, um, what kind of business
are you in?

Oh, it's nothing illegal
or anything.

We deal in a product.

We sell them to different
psychedelic and book stores.

They-- They give us
a dollar for each one.

LAURIE: Hi.
Hi, Reuben.

DANNY:
Guess what, Mr. Kincaid?

The three of us
are in business together.

Yeah, and you're in
for a big cut.

I think the lawsuit
will net me more.

Reuben,
what's the matter?

This is the matter.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL LAUGH]

I want one.

It's cute.
Can I have it?

Oh, no.
I am gonna sue.

But first, my Aunt Rita
asked me to send her one.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]