02x19 - My Heart Belongs to a Two-Car Garage

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Wake up, Mom.

What is it, honey?
Where's the eggs?

In the refrigerator, behind
the leftover Brussels sprouts.

Thank you.

Mom, where's the butter?

Refrigerator. Top shelf.

Next to Tracy's leftover
peanut-butter sandwich.

Thank you.

Mom, where's the caviars?

We don't have any.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Caviar?

[♪♪♪]

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

What's going on?
Who's singing?

Whoever it is,
it could use a vocal coach.

It could use a muffler.
What's going on?

I'm not sure, but I think it has
something to do with caviar.

Caviar?

MAN:
You sing it with me, okay?

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

Sing it. Sing it good. Give it
me some brandy. Okay, sing.

Hi, Mom.

Ah, good morning,
kind, gracious, hospitable,

American,
middle-class family.

Your breakfast
is ready.

Who are you, and what are you
doing in my kitchen?

We invited him in.
CHRIS: Yeah, he looked lonely,

lying out there
in the gutter.

The gutter is not
my living quarters.

I was merely painting
your house number on the curb.

Oh. You must be the man
from the Home Helper Service.

I am Nicholas Minsky
Pushkin.

Since your charming children
were so delightful

and invited me in,

I decided to make it for you
a luxurious, authentic,

and very delicious
Russian breakfast.

[♪♪♪]

Please, sit down.

This morning, you are going
to eat it like Russians.

Just a second.

I dedicate this breakfast
to you,

beautiful lady.

Behold.

Eggs,
Siberian style.

Ta-da.

Of course, I am world famous
for this dish.

But then, I am world famous
for many things.

Master chef,
expert horseman.

Part-time Cossack.

And of course, I am also known
as a great artist.

You've probably
heard of me.

Pushkin the Magnificent?

Um, Pushkin the Peasant?

From Pinsk?

Mr. Pushkin,

you can't just come into
someone's home

and fix yourself breakfast.

Oh, I did not do this for
myself. I did this for you.

Sometimes my enthusiastic-ness
over-bubbles.

I'm very sorry.
I will-- I will go now.

Thank you for your hospitality.

Wait, I-- I wasn't
asking you to leave.

It's just-- What I meant was,

you should ask before
you fix breakfast.

I-- I never thought for to ask
to do it, a good deed.

You are very wise lady.

[♪♪♪]

Please. Wait.

Sit down.
It would make you happy?

We'd be overcome with joy.

In that case,
you got it, a deal.

Eat up, eat up, more.
Because there's so much.

I got the borscht,
what you never had before of.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Nicholas,
that was a great breakfast.

Yeah. I hope it didn't
ruin my appetite for lunch.

Thank you for sharing
your food with me.

I must repay you.

Oh, wait.
There's nothing to repay us for.

But you treated me to a meal
by a world-famous chef.

But you're the world-famous
chef.

Then you have heard of me.

Then you've probably also heard
I always repay a kindness.

I may be a peasant,
but I'm not a bum.

Nicholas, really.

Maybe you got some kind of odd
jobs what needed to be done.

No, we really don't.
Sure, we do.

He can clean out
the garage and mow the lawn.

Danny,
those are your jobs.

I was just trying
to help the man out.

Say, Mom, he could fix
the windows that are stuck.

Keith, I asked you to do that.

Say no more. I will unstuck
the wonderful windows

of this wonderful family.

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

Mom, do you get the feeling

you've discovered
a charming Frankenstein?

Was the Frankenstein
monster Russian?

His arm was.
His foot was Hungarian, I think.

[♪♪♪]

See, the monster was made up
of a lot of different people.

Guess you had to be there.

[♪♪♪]

Hi. Anybody home?

Uh, who are you?
Never mind who are I.

Who are you?

And how come you don't
knock it on the door

from this wonderful family

before you come into
their very private house?

Well, I won't do it again.
Oh, kind lady.

I find this beady-eyed man
sneaking in the house.

Nicholas, he's our friend.
Friend?

Not only that,
I am their manager.

Oh, friend and mangler.

Any friend from the Partridges
is a good friend from mine.

Oh, kind lady, I'm going now
for to unstuck the windows.

Good to meet it.
A good friend, beady-eyed man.

I liked it better when
we were enemies. Who was that?

His name is Nicholas
Minsky Pushkin from Pinsk.

Uh-huh.

Reuben,
he arrived here this morning

and offered his many talents
in exchange for breakfast.

Oh, I see.
A freeloader.

No, he's not a freeloader.

He offered to repay us.

Repay you for what?

Not sure.
This one works.

Nicholas,
that window wasn't stuck.

No?

It is now.

But don't worry. I have
the strength of ten Kholmiakis.

And I will...

fix the broken glass.

[♪♪♪]

That's it. I have unstuck
all your wonderful windows.

Hey, that's great.
Works like it's brand-new.

Nicholas, thank you very much.
It's very nice of you.

That was nothing for Pushkin the
Magnificent, beautiful ladies.

Good night to you both, and I
will see you tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow?

To fix it, the chair.

What chair?
The chair I broke

when I stood on it for
to fix it, the window I broke.

But don't worry
your pretty heads about it.

I am an expert
at fixing chairs too.

Good night, gracious, warm,

kind,
middle-class American family.

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN]

[♪♪♪]

NICHOLAS:
Hello, beautiful family.

But where are you going?

We have a concert this weekend.
But you can't go.

I got to fix it, the things
I broke. I got an obligation.

But you fixed the chair
perfectly.

What about the ladder?
What ladder?

The one I used to reach
the nails to fix it, the chair.

One of the legs got stuck
in the garbage disintegrator.

But I could fix it.
Oh, there's no need for that.

It was an old ladder. We were
gonna throw it away anyway.

Was it an old
garbage disintegrator?

[♪♪♪]

Nicholas, believe me,
don't worry.

You-- You've done more for us
than we deserve already.

But I can't leave
a debt unpaid.

SHIRLEY:
for everything.

Bye.
Goodbye, kind lady.

She thanks me. For what?

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Last night
I couldn't fall asleep ♪

♪ Because I wanted to keep on
Thinkin' of you ♪

♪ Last night I was flyin' high ♪

♪ I was happy, I was happy ♪

♪ Last night
You told me something ♪

♪ That I won't forget
If I should live forever ♪

♪ Last night you said
You loved me ♪

♪ And it gave me fever
And I thought it over ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ My baby ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Ooh, baby ♪

ALL:
♪ When you are there I'm aware ♪

♪ That I must be dreaming ♪

♪ When you are near ♪

♪ I can hear my body screaming ♪

♪ Never let me go, honey,
Never let me go, baby ♪

♪ Never let me go,
Never ever ever let me go ♪

♪ Last night
I couldn't fall asleep ♪

♪ Because I wanted to keep on
Thinkin' of you ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Last night ♪

♪ Last night I was flyin' high ♪

♪ I was happy, I was happy ♪

♪ Last night
You told me something ♪

♪ That I won't forget
If I should live forever ♪

♪ Last night you said
You loved me ♪

♪ And it gave me fever
And I thought it over ♪

♪ Baby ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ My baby ♪

FAMILY:
♪ Ooh, baby ♪

ALL:
♪ When you are there I'm aware ♪

♪ That I must be dreaming ♪

♪ When you are near... ♪

KEITH:
Oh, no.

SHIRLEY:
Is something wrong?

KEITH:
I see Nicholas' truck.

And his tent.

And I bet anything Nicholas
goes with them.

[♪♪♪]

Ah, beautiful American family.

SHIRLEY:
what are you doing here?

I figured out a way
to repay you.

I painted your garage.

It is a masterpiece.

Well, it can't be too bad.

Garages are pretty hard
to break.

Come and see. The beauty of it
will clear your bloodshot,

middle-class eyes. Come with me.

REUBEN: Why is it covered?
I told you. It's a masterpiece.

A masterpiece must be unveiled.

[♪♪♪]

I don't believe it.

That's my kind
of garage.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Mom, you told us always keep
the garage door closed.

Adults have no sense
of humor.

Thank heavens
for the garage door.

For why you raise
the door?

Now it's only half
a masterpiece.

Nicholas, I think you
and I should go inside the house

and have a little talk
about your masterpiece.

[♪♪♪]

Tell me, what is wrong
with my painting?

It doesn't belong
on a garage.

Is it dirty?

Honey, it isn't dirty.

The human body is beautiful.
There's nothing wrong with it.

Good. Then I'll
go lower the door.

But it doesn't belong
on a garage.

You're asking me to paint
it over, a Pushkin original?

Look at it this way,
Nicholas.

You can paint
another Pushkin original.

Only this time,
make it yellow with white trim.

But I am
a world-famous painter.

People pay fantastic prices
for one of my paintings.

Oh, forget it, Shirley.

You're dealing with a man
who is suffering

from delusions of grandeur.

I refuse it, to paint over
my masterpiece.

Hey,
there's a crowd outside.

A crowd?

[♪♪♪]

Everybody loves
a sexy garage.

The garage door is down.

Hey, you kids,
get away from that garage door.

I'll go open the door.
No, you don't.

Just trying to lend
a helping hand.

I knew it. Everybody comes
for to see the Pushkin original.

I didn't realize
everybody know about my work.

REUBEN:
be great publicity.

The first family on the block
to have an X-rated garage.

Don't worry, Reuben,
it isn't going to stay there.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Don't answer it.
It's probably a raid.

Hello, Mrs. Partridge.
Hello, Mr. Phelps.

How could you put that

disgusting thing out there
with--?

Now, Mr. Phelps,
let me handle this.

Shirley, I don't know
as if you realize it,

but there's a -foot lady
on your garage

with and a half feet
of clothing.

Yes, Mrs. Monahan. I know.

Oh, well, we--

These gracious people and I,
we were wondering--

Look, enough of
this sweet talk.

Mrs. Partridge,
you have minutes

to do something about that or--

What Mr. Phelps means
is that we were wondering

how long it would be before
something might be done.

Mrs. Monahan, Mr. Phelps,
I am trying to do exactly--

Nineteen minutes left,
Mrs. Partridge.

You need help, kind lady?
This is the, uh, artist?

And I use
the term loosely.

Da, and that is
my masterpiece.

Did you hear that?
A Russki.

I should have known. He's after
the minds of our children.

Nicholas didn't mean
any harm.

And you call yourself
a mother?

Now, just a moment.

May the locust of misfortune

fly into one of your ears
and out the other.

Did you hear that?
That-- That Russki swore at me.

Well, Mrs. Partridge, I--

I don't like the kind
of company that you keep.

And I don't like the kind
of company

I'm keeping right now.
Goodbye.

I knew you would see it
my way, kind lady.

I knew you would not paint over
a great painting like that.

I'm still gonna paint over it.

I just didn't want them
telling me what to do.

Keith, go to the hardware store
and get some paint.

Mom, this is Sunday.

Oh, that's right.

All right, kids, we're gonna
have to work in shifts

until tomorrow.
Doing what?

Keeping an eye on that garage
to make sure the door stays up.

Great. I'll go take
the first shift.

Forget it. You're the one
we'll be watching.

Well, it was worth a try.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I told you
we had to watch him.

He was about to charge a kid
cents to pull down the door.

What can I say,
I'm a businessman at heart.

Kids, leave that garage door up.

Go back out and keep an eye on--
On the garage door.

You keep an eye on him.
Okay, come on.

The world doesn't appreciate
great art anymore.

I am going to drown it,
my sorrows.

Could I have the glass milk?
In the kitchen.

[♪♪♪]

We can paint
over the garage.

I found my crayons.
And I found a man.

Kids, we can't cover the garage
with crayons. Who are you?

My name is Sioux.

A boy named Sue?

S-I-O-U-X.

It's a nickname. You see,

I'm a quarter Sioux Indian
so they call me Sioux.

What do you want?
I'm a reporter for the Free Life

and I was wondering
if maybe--

Shirley, the Free Life is one
of those terrible,

underground newspapers.

SIOUX:
Hey, don't call names.

That ain't Humpty Dumpty
on your garage, you know.

It's not my garage.
It's hers.

Look, Mr. Sioux,
I think it might--

You should not be talking
to anybody from that newspaper,

especially a guy
named Sioux.

Reuben, I'll handle this.
SIOUX: Thank you.

I guess you know your neighbors
are pretty upset.

Oh, it's hard to miss.

Did you know that some
are thinking

about having you
and the artist arrested?

SHIRLEY:
Arrested?

Look, I'll admit our garage
is a little out of the ordinary,

but the painting
is not in bad taste.

Who cares about taste?

Do you realize what this kind
of publicity could do to us?

We'll be lucky to get a gig
at the Pussycat Lounge.

LAURIE:
Mom?

Mom, what's wrong
with Nicholas?

What do you mean?

I saw him run to his truck
and take off.

So he ran out on us.
Figures.

Hey, you must be
Danny and Laurie.

My name's Sioux.
Oh, glad to--

[♪♪♪]

Mom, there's even more
people out there than before.

You left the garage
unguarded?

Yeah, but I thought you ought
to know what's going on.

Hey, you kids,
leave that door alone.

Uh-oh. Mr. Phelps
and some other people

are starting
to gather across the street.

And they don't look
too friendly.

They're starting
to come this way.

And they're armed.
Armed?

Yes. They each
have a bucket of paint.

Why couldn't I take
a nice safe job?

Like milking cobras.

All right, Mr. Phelps.
That's far enough.

All right, Mrs. Partridge.
This is it.

We're taking matters
into our own hands.

It's our duty
to protect the community.

You're not gonna paint
my garage.

You have five different colors
of paint there.

Look who's suddenly
worried about taste.

Well, now, couldn't we settle
this over a nice cup of tea?

Must we always lash out
with multicolored paint?

We're gonna get rid of that--
That painted lady.

Please, please.

Leave it alone. I like it.

Step aside, Mrs. Partridge.
We're coming through.

Leave our mommy alone.
DANNY: Yeah.

We're not lowering the door
for less than cents.

[SIREN WAILING]

Well, at last we'll get
a little action.

[♪♪♪]

DANNY: Mr. Pushkin.
You saved it, my masterpiece.

You are a wonderful lady.

We thought you ran out on us.
Me, run out?

Do I look like
a beaded-eyed fink?

Present company
exceptionalized.

I went to get Mr. Hensley,

the "curatatator" from
the Rothschild Museum from Art.

You're kidding.

SHIRLEY: Is that true?
Yes.

And after inspecting
this painting

I'm convinced that you really
are Nicholas Minsky Pushkin.

From Pinsk.

You mean this man
really is a famous artist?

Well, at least extremely
well-known in artistic circles.

I'll have to die before
everyone knows I'm a genius.

You mean this painting is--?
It's a real painting?

It's a masterpiece.
And worth a lot of money.

Mr. Pushkin,

how would you like
to do a mural on my wagon?

Look, we don't want
this kind of a masterpiece

in our kind of neighborhood.

Well, of course it's up to you,
Mrs. Partridge,

but you simply
cannot paint over this lady.

It really is a masterpiece.

[♪♪♪]

I know.

But I can't leave this lady
on my garage.

There you are,
Mrs. Partridge.

Thank you very much,
Mr. Hensley.

Wow, look at
all those zeros.

I think I'm gonna
break out in a rash.

There's still one thing
I can't get over.

What's that?

I never thought I'd see
my garage hanging in a museum.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Nicholas,
I'm gonna keep just enough money

to have
the garage fixed.

But the rest of it
belongs to you.

Oh, I could not take it, fair
lady. You are so nice to me.

Nobody's that nice.

Beady-eyed,
you got a point there.

What are you gonna do
with it?

Well, my first responsibility
is as an artist.

And an artist must suffer.

How can you suffer
with all that money?

I have a great plan that will
cause me excruciating pain.

I will take this money
and go to Las Vegas.

Mom, how come I can look
at the garage here

and I couldn't at home?

Well,

because now
it's a work of art.

Why wasn't it a work
of art at home?

Well, then, we didn't know
it was a work of art.

And sometimes we don't know
if something's good

until someone tells us.

I-- I liked her
even before she was art.

You got it, good taste.
Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]