02x20 - H-e-l-l-l-l-l-p!!!

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[PLAYING "I'M ON
MY WAY BACK HOME"]

ALL:
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Got on a silver plane
And flew away ♪

♪ Chased all my rainbows
To the end ♪

♪ I wish I knew then
What I know today ♪

♪ I'm on my way
Back home again ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ That's what's waitin' for me ♪

♪ That's where I've got to be ♪

♪ Just to look in your eyes ♪

♪ Feel your lips touchin' mine ♪

♪ I'm on my way back home,
Gonna fly ♪

FAMILY:
Back home again ?

♪ I'm on my way back home,
Gonna fly ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

FAMILY:
♪ My way back home ♪

♪ I'm on my way back home
To you ♪

♪ I remember when ♪

♪ You told me I'd return ♪

♪ You knew even then ♪

♪ Something I had to learn ♪

♪ It's so far and yet ♪

♪ It's right there
Where you live ♪

♪ It's something that you get ♪

♪ Only when you give and it's ♪

ALL:
♪ Love ♪

♪ That's what's waitin' for me ♪

♪ That's where I've got to be ♪

♪ Just to look in your eyes ♪

♪ Feel your lips touchin' mine ♪

ALL:
Gonna fly ♪

♪ On my way back home again ♪

♪ I'm on my way back home,
Gonna fly ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

FAMILY:
♪ My way back home ♪

♪ I'm on my way back home
To you ♪

FAMILY:
♪ I'm on my way back home ♪

♪ Gonna fly ♪

FAMILY:
♪ On my way back home again ♪

♪ On my way ♪

FAMILY:
Gonna fly ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

FAMILY:
♪ My way back home ♪

♪ I'm on my way back home
To you ♪

FAMILY:
♪ I'm on my way back home ♪

Mom, can we bring
our bathing suits?

No. The last time you visited
your grandparents

you ended up swimming
in their fishpond.

Aw, you never let us
swim with live fish.

You know, Mom,

you don't get the chance to get
away from us kids very often.

Now since Chris and Tracy
are gone this weekend,

it would be the perfect chance
for you to take off.

Sounds great, but there
isn't time to plan a trip.

Why make plans?
Why not just take off on a lark?

You know, we never get
to do anything together.

I mean, just the two of us.

How would you like to take off
on a lark this weekend?

Well, that's great. Let's do it.

[♪♪♪]

I can't find Danny's
Boy Scout mess kit.

Look in the tire.

Got it.
Hi.

What you doing out here?
LAURIE: Scrounging.

Laurie and I have decided
to take a trip this weekend.

Mom and I are
just gonna take off.

Do something
we've never done before.

Sounds good.
What are you gonna do?

We're gonna go
camping and hiking

out near Pinnico Peak.
Ah, that'll be fun.

Pinnico Peak? There's nothing
out there but wilderness.

That's the point.

No hotels, no public campsites.

If we're gonna do it,
we might as well do it right.

You can't go out there
alone in the wilderness.

Why not?
Because some wolf will come up

and say, "My, Grandma,
what big eyes you have."

Then he'll eat your face.

Neither of you have ever been
camping before in your lives.

That's okay.
This book will help us.

"Girl Ranger
Camping Handbook."

You've gotta be kidding.

Nope.
It may sound juvenile,

but it'll tell us everything
we need to know.

What if you get lost?

We don't get a merit badge.

[SIGHS]

Going out there alone.
I wonder what they're thinking.

Keith, how'd you like to visit
the Missing Persons Bureau?

[SIGHS]

We gotta stop them.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Girls just don't know how
to handle certain situations.

What if you meet a bear?

We'd handle it the same way
you would. We'd run.

But I can run
faster than you.

You can't go. If you won't think
of yourself, think about us.

We have, and that's
why we're leaving.

Mom, listen--
Look. We're going camping,

and that's all there
is to it, okay?

Come on, Laurie.
Let's pack these knapsacks.

KEITH:
why don't you collect pine cones

and go see a Disney nature film.

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Mr. Kincaid,
Danny Partridge here.

I should've known.
It had to be you.

t*rture incorporated.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but this is important.

It affects our whole entire
future.

Mom and Laurie
are going camping.

I thought you said Shirley
and Laurie are going camping,

but I know
you wouldn't call me for that.

Yes, I would.
What are we gonna do?

Sew nametags in their shorts.

They've never been camping
in their lives.

And they're going out in the
wilderness by Pinnico Peak.

Where they go is their own--

Pinnico Peak?
That's wild country.

The mountain lions
avoid that area.

Well, you've gotta stop them.

They won't listen.

Danny?
I'm caught. Act natural.

Who are you talking to?
Mr. Kincaid, Mom,

and he wants to talk to you.

This wouldn't be about
our camping trip?

Uh...
Danny, you didn't call him.

Here's the phone.

Reuben?

[SIGHS]

Look, we're going on that
camping trip, and that's final.

Goodbye.
Say goodbye and hang up,

and stop all this nonsense
or we're gonna have it out.

Do you understand?
Mm-hm.

Mr. Kincaid, I have
to hang up now.

[WHISPERING]
They're leaving in the morning.

Well, I'll--
I'll drive right up.

I'll be there tonight.

Great.
I knew I could count on you.

[♪♪♪]

Well, all of our things
are loaded.

That's it, Mom.

We're all ready
to go to Grandma's.

Good. Hop aboard.

I thought you said
Reuben would be here.

He should've been here
last night.

Keith, Danny, we're leaving.

Well, I guess we'll just have
to stall for time, that's all.

The camera. That's it.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Mom!

Look, before you go,

I wanna get a picture of you two
in your camping clothes.

[♪♪♪]

LAURIE: Keith--
Now smile.

We look terrible.
Great. No, it's good stuff.

Uh, Danny, let me get a sh*t
of the three of you now.

Uh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, get in between them.
Good, good.

Smile. Great.

Hey, let me get a picture
of you, Mom and Laurie together.

Great idea.

DANNY: Okay.
Mm-hm.

DANNY:
Smile.

Ready? Got it.

While we're taking pictures,

let me take a picture
of you two.

Okay. Great.

[♪♪♪]

Ready?
Sure.

Smile pretty.
Oh, it's nice.

[SIGHS]

Good. Now, Danny,

why don't you take a picture
of Keith?

Great.
Yeah.

Over here.
Okay.

Okay.

DANNY:
Smile.

Be sure to get his good side.

Then I'll have to wait
till he grows one.

Just take the picture,
will you?

This picture would make a great
centerfold for Boring Magazine.

Never mind. Mom--?

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

Mom. Mom, wait! Mom!

DANNY:
Mom! Mom! No, Mom!

[♪♪♪]

Come on, come on.

Rescue squad, ready
and cleared for takeoff.

Okay, which way?
KEITH: Beasley Street, right.

DANNY: Duncan Drive, left.
KEITH: Beasley, right.

DANNY:
Duncan, left.

KEITH:
I tell you, it's Beasley, right.

DANNY:
Duncan, left.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

There. Ready?
Yep.

Well, which way
do you wanna go?

Well, that looks like
a nice direction.

Fine.

Hey, your knitting's
sticking out.

She brought her knitting.

Maybe she's going to knit
a tent.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, they're out of sight.
Come on, troops. Move out.

What is this
"troops, move out"?

He's been that way
ever since he saw Patton.

Forward, ho.

KEITH:
funny in those hats.

KINCAID:
spot a tenderfoot.

DANNY:
the ranks.

How far do you
wanna go?

We can keep walking
until we get tired

and then we can set up camp.

[SQUEALS IN PAIN]
Did you hear something?

No.
What did it sound like?

It must've been
a bird squawking.

I haven't heard a noise
like that

since Tracy bit Reuben
on the toe.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I--
I haven't felt pain like this

since Tracy bit
me on the toe.

We have to keep going.

Keith, we'll have to carry
Mr. Kincaid's stuff.

[SIGHING]
Why can't we just take a rest?

My arm must be inches longer
than it was two hours ago.

Stop complaining.

Now you can put your socks
on without bending over.

Why can't we walk on the path
like the girls?

Why do we have to burrow
through this underbrush

like a pack of gophers?

If we go on the path,
they might look back and see us.

Oh, I wanna stay here and rest.
I can't go another step.

Oh, no. There they go.

We can't stop now,
or we'll lose them.

Why?
They're jogging.

Troops, ten-hut!

Double time, ho!

Left!
Ah!

Left!
Oh!

Left, right, left!
Ahh!

If this tent isn't tied right,

it can fall on us
in the middle of the night.

I don't know how to tie
a good, solid knot.

Sure you do. You make knots
all the time in knitting.

Make a purl,
pull the end through,

and then pull it down tight.

Purl.

I think it'll work.

I just wish Keith and Danny
were here to see that.

[WHISPERING]
They are knitting a tent.

The first good wind,
they're gonna drop a stitch.

Boy, that food
smells good.

I haven't eaten
since last night.

What do you say?
Let's eat.

Okay.
Great idea.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Well, let's break
out the food.

Fine.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Well?
Keith?

Well,
I thought you brought the food.

Why would I bring the food?

You're the one
that eats all the time.

No food?

Okay, so, uh, we forgot
to bring the food.

We can always get some berries
and stuff in the morning.

Right. We'll just have to
rough it tonight. No problem.

It's usually the victims
who have to rough it,

not the rescuers.

Well,
we might as well set up camp.

Yeah,
it's a bit chilly out here.

Fine.
Let's break out the bedrolls.

Who's got the bedrolls?

Mom and Laurie.

Of course they've got
the bedrolls.

Let's break out the blankets.

I'll settle for blankets.
So will I.

You must've
brought something.

Same thing I pack
every time we go on tour.

Socks, handkerchiefs,
shorts.

Well, Mom always packs
everything else.

A rubber duck?
It is not a duck.

It's a mallard.

You're no General Patton.
Well, what did you bring?

Well, uh, I brought socks
and handkerchiefs...

and shorts.
And a guitar.

Why did you bring a guitar?

I don't know.
Force of habit, I guess.

Mom always
packs everything else.

Wonderful.

Well, what did you bring,
besides your camera?

Well,
a couple of suits...

socks, handkerchiefs, shorts.

Toothbrush, an electric razor

and an electric hair dryer.

Allow me one luxury.

Look, let's just
go to sleep, okay?

Okay, fine with me.

Sure is cold.
I wish I had my jacket.

Yeah, I forgot how
cold it gets up here

in the mountains at night.

Hey, maybe it'd help
if we put on all our shorts.

Okay.

You can wear my suits.

Who wants the $ mohair?

Don't worry, Reuben. We'll--
We'll pay to have them cleaned.

At least we'll be warm enough
to get some sleep tonight.

There's one problem.
I can't sleep.

Why?
I'm starving to death.

[♪♪♪]

It was a great meal, Mom,
but I ate too much.

Oh, me too.

Oh, boy, I'm tired.

It's a good kind of tired.
I know.

It's so peaceful
and relaxing out here.

It certainly makes
you forget all your problems.

Yeah.

Oh, it's been
a great day, Mom.

Good night.
Night, honey.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERING]
Come on.

We can't just come in here
and steal their food.

Stealing is wrong.

Would you rather wake them up
and ask them for it?

Let's steal it.

[♪♪♪]

Jackpot. Beans.
You call that a jackpot?

Take anything.

[CLATTERING]

Did you hear something?
[SQUEAKING]

Sounds like...

a mallard.

[SQUEAKING]

Yeah, a rubber mallard.

I don't think they're flying
this time of year.

[♪♪♪]

[MOANING]

[MALLARD SQUEAKS]

You got the beans?
Got them.

Great.

But before we get
our hopes up...

who has a can opener?

It's one thing a bachelor
is never without.

Great. Well,
let's build a fire.

Give me a match.

No matches?

I don't care!
I'll eat them cold!

So will I.
Give me the can opener.

Mr. Kincaid, you said a bachelor
is never without a can opener.

That is perfectly true.

How far is the car from here?

[SIGHING]

Well, I guess we might as well
try to get to sleep.

I can tell by the silence
you hate me.

One little mistake.
We starve for one night.

Reuben, if it would make you
feel any better, I'd nag you,

but I'm too tired.

Mr. Kincaid, it's not your
fault. We forgot things too.

So I forget one can opener
and it's the old polite routine.

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, good night.

Whoa! Whoa!

[♪♪♪]

KEITH:
Reuben, are you all right?

Mr. Kincaid?

KINCAID:
to bring a rope too.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Kincaid, wake up.

Roast duck,
potatoes au gratin.

Come on, Reuben, wake up.
Mom and Laurie are gone.

Just a few more minutes.
I haven't ordered dessert yet.

Okay, troops. Fall out!

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[♪♪♪]

If nature's so perfect, why
doesn't it make a can opener?

Why? Why?

Mr. Kincaid,
get ahold of yourself.

[LAUGHING]

We must be near
a can opener.

I found a pair of shorts.

Those are mine.

We've been
walking in circles.

I'm afraid he's right. This is
where Mom and Laurie camped.

There's only one thing left
we can do.

Yell for a can opener.

Reuben, what if someone
heard us? It's embarrassing.

What if they don't hear us?

ALL:
Help! Help!

SHIRLEY:
I hear you!

Oh, I knew we'd be embarrassed,

but I didn't think
it'd be so fast.

What are you
doing here?

How'd you find us?
We found a trail of clothes

with Danny's name
stenciled on them.

Were you following us?
No, no.

No, we were just out
on a little Sunday hike and we--

Well, we got a little
misplaced and--

Just take us back
to the bus, please.

You were following us.

All I know is they said

they were taking me
to a drive-in movie.

Please, we--
We've come to rescue you.

Do you have any food? Water?

Just show us how
to get out of here.

I don't know if we should.
Oh, please, you have to.

Okay, let's go.
Wait.

Aren't you taking us
back to the bus?

Yes.

Well, it's not that way.
It's that way.

No, I'm sure it's that way.

It can't be that way.
It has to be over there.

We came from that path.
No!

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

GIRL: Hi, Mrs. Partridge!
Hi, girls!

ALL:
Hi!

Do you know those girls?
Where'd they come from?

We had breakfast
with them this morning.

Yeah, there's a
Girl Ranger's lodge

about yards from here.
You've gotta be kidding.

What's wrong with those guys,
Mrs. Partridge?

They lost or something?

We are not lost!

We were sent here on
a survival test by the Pentagon.

We know exactly where we are
and exactly what we're doing.

Oh, did the Pentagon tell you
to stand in poison oak?

[♪♪♪]

Great, Reuben.
The Pentagon, huh?

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH SNEEZE]

We had a lot of fun
on Grandma and Grandpa's farm.

We went swimming in the
goldfish pond with live fish.

Looks like
you had fun too.

Get out of here, kid,
before I pierce your ears.

Well, how do you guys feel?

I've got a cold.
I think I've got frostbite.

I'd have to get better to die.

What's that?
What do you think it is? Dinner.

We're gonna nurse you
back to health.

Well, it's the least we can do

since you risked your lives
to save us.

They're making fun of us.
We try to do a good deed,

and they humiliate us in return.
Are we gonna take that?

[♪♪♪]

Of course we're gonna take that.

Boy, I'm starved.

KINCAID:
Beans.

I found your can opener.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]