[film reel whirrs]
[electric buzzing]
[action music plays]
-[upbeat music plays]
-[chalk scraping on board]
[Rod] Baseball is life.
Opening day brings
the birth of a new season...
[audience cheering]
...and the hope
and promise of spring.
The season blossoms
under the summer sun,
filling afternoons and evenings
with hours of pleasure.
[groans]
And a little pain.
If you're lucky,
you'll hit some homeruns.
And who knows,
maybe even pitch a no-hitter.
[players chanting]
Go, go, go, go, go!
-[referee] You're out.
-[spectators cheering]
[muffled cheering]
[Rod] But the thing is,
at some point,
we all strike out.
[chalk scraping on board]
[people screaming]
[plane crashes]
[mournful organ music plays]
-[person blows nose]
-[woman sobs]
[people sobbing]
[chalk scraping on board]
Browning!
Yeah? What's up?
They're calling you up, kid.
They want you in Boston today.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.
Now, I know you're having
a hard time flying,
'cause your parents d*ed
in that plane crash.
-But you gotta go.
-Okay.
Don't f*ck this up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I can do this.
[Hurley]
They'll take the edge off,
but remember,
just take one.
["one" echoes]
-[inhales]
-[indistinct talking over PA]
I can't do this.
[water running]
[grunts softly]
[woman over PA]
We're now boarding
rows 30 to 40.
Rows 30 to 40,
please report to gate E.
[snoring]
-Browning!
-[gasps]
You piece of sh*t.
You missed your flight?
You're no closer.
You know what you are?
You're useless,
like a limp d*ck.
Wait, wait, wait. What?
[Coach Hurley scoffs]
[Hurley] Like a limp d*ck!
["d*ck" echoes]
[tense music plays]
[chalk scraping on board]
[cutlery clinking]
[Rod] So,
I never made it to the majors
like I promised my dad,
but I found a way
to stay close to the game.
I have a son
who's better at baseball
than I ever was.
Hey, Joe.
I want you to use
that new bat tonight.
The Merino?
Yes, sweetie.
[Rod] I have
a really smart daughter, too.
She takes after Simone,
my wife.
Simone says
I push Joe too hard,
that I should stop trying
to make him into a mini-me,
but she doesn't understand.
He's better than me.
He's the major league me.
Mom, this is great.
You added nutmeg, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
Thank you, Joe.
That was a really good idea.
And if I get picked
for Lobster t*nk...
I'm using this recipe.
Well, then I suspect
Kurt Granite will have you
sipping champagne
with investors.
[both chuckle]
Well, it would be nice
to make a living
off my culinary degree.
Okay, well,
the lemon poppy seed is perfect.
But when you're on the show,
you've got to arrange
the st*lks like this.
[calm guitar music plays]
That's how Kitty Corba does it.
A little lemon,
just for good measure.
Joe, stop playing
with your food.
Here.
Show me your swing.
Come on.
Follow through, Joe.
Honey, I got this.
Joe, you gotta follow through.
Here. Come on, I'll show you.
Come on. Come on.
Isabel, why don't you tell me
about Jackson?
Well, he's really smart
and he's really cute.
-Well, that's good.
-[doorbell rings]
I'm gonna go grab my purse.
Come on, Rod.
Jackson's here.
[crowd cheers]
Rod!
Rod! Rod!
What?
Isabel's date is here.
Have fun, Izzy.
See?
It's all about follow-through.
Don't you want to
come meet him?
Is he on the baseball team?
Nice follow-through, Dad.
[Rod] Oh, you know what?
I wouldn't have had to do that,
if you'd have
f*cking swung it like a man.
And how do you lose
a f*cking loaf of bread?
I don't know.
Maybe if you pitched me
some garlic,
I could practice my batting.
[Rod] Oh, my God.
-[Jackson] Hello.
-[Simone] Come on in.
Good evening, Mrs. Browning.
I'm Jackson.
[Simone] Oh, thank God,
you're a geek.
-Excuse me?
Oh, I said,
oh, my God, you're so sweet!
Go ahead. Come on up.
Take the stupid bread.
I think you should have
your sister teach you
how to do a follow-through.
-Hello, Isabel.
-[Isabel] Hey, Jackson.
Joe, it's time to go.
-Mr. Browning?
-He wishes.
Mr. Browning,
I'm Jackson.
Isabel and I are
in chemistry club together.
Well, there will be
no chemistry tonight.
-Dad.
-[Simone chuckles]
Why don't you two get going
before you miss your movie?
Bye. Have fun!
[Rod] Not too much fun.
[Alex]
Joe, I'll be down in a sec.
-So, you coming tonight?
-[door clicks shut]
Uh, yeah, I'll-- I'll be there
a little bit later.
We got a work thing to do.
You know, you two never told me
about your new business.
-Oh, it's a baseball thing.
-It's an internet thing.
-Uh, on the internet.
-About baseball.
Uh...
I-- it's cool.
Just, uh,
don't be too late, all right?
[Rod] All right.
You save me a seat.
[Alex] Okay.
So, babe,
I got a good lead on a job.
Alex is hooking me up
with this guy that he knows,
that owns
a bunch of jewelry stores.
[seductive funky music plays]
Hello.
I hope so.
It's been six months.
I'll get this one.
I promise.
Well, the producer from
Lobster t*nk emailed me again.
Great.
Hopefully,
I'll get picked for the show.
I can't do this forever.
I mean...
you could,
if you wanted to.
[chuckles] Mm, stop!
We have to get busy.
Oh, I'd like to get busy.
Trust me. Mm!
[Rod sighs]
Who would've thought we'd make
so much money selling p*rn.
Me. [chuckles]
That's why I suggested it.
[Rod chuckles]
[Rod sighs] I know.
The thought of
all those men gawking at you.
Ew.
It's not just men.
Thirty-three percent
of our subscribers are women.
Hmm.
Well, that I don't mind.
I do.
I don't want someone
from the PTO finding out
that I'm doing p*rn.
There's no way those PTO moms
are watching this.
You'd be surprised.
I would be surprised.
Hmm.
Right.
In five,
four, three, two.
Welcome to the Boob Ruth show,
where the fans always score.
Today, I'll be demonstrating
a double play
and a head-first slide.
[crowd cheers]
[coach] All right,
fellas, listen up.
As you know,
I've been searching far and wide
for a new travel coach
for you boys.
Someone with experience
and heart.
Well, I found someone.
At least with,
uh, a lot of experience.
Welcome Coach Hurley.
[unenthusiastic applause]
[Hurley] Boys.
You're here today,
because you're the best
of the best.
The crme de la crap.
Enough talk.
Let's hit our balls.
[baseball organ music plays]
[Hurley] I've seen better arms
on a beanbag chair.
Hey, we could arrange
a funeral for your dead arm.
I've seen better pitchers
at a Tupperware party.
[Rod sighs]
That's him.
So, uh,
what's the new coach like?
[Hurley] I've seen more heat
in a toaster.
He's a bit...
unenlightened.
[Hurley] You couldn't hold
your dog's lead.
Unenlightened?
-Yeah.
-Cut the bullshit, Alex.
What's he like?
-He's a leathery old assh*le.
-[Rod] Mm.
[Hurley] All right, guys.
Wrap her up.
Everybody go grab some chair.
[Rod shudders]
[woman yelps]
Looks like he missed
the MeToo movement
while coaching
at Tempe University.
All right.
Everybody settle.
We got a lot of talent
on this team
and I am extremely confident
we're gonna have
a winning season.
-[people applaud]
-Yeah. Whoo-hoo.
Now, that bastard
of a new head coach at TU says
I can bring two people
to his showcase.
So, I choose, uh,
the pitcher
with the dreamy blue eyes,
and, uh,
pretty boy catcher.
-Yes!
-[Rod groans]
I-- I'm the pretty boy dad.
[Alex] Oh.
[jaunty music plays]
Well,
if it isn't Rod Browning.
[Rod sighs]
I thought
I recognized that kid's arm.
Let me guess.
Your life
has amounted to nothing.
So now you live
bi-curiously through your son.
I-- I think
the word you're looking for
is "vicariously."
-That's what I said.
-[Alex] Yeah. Right.
Hey, did you know
your friend f*cked up
our chances
to be in the bigs?
Rod's moved on now.
He's got his own
very successful business.
[spits]
And here's something
you'll appreciate.
His wife is hot.
Yeah.
Well, maybe she can fly
the kid to Arizona
for the showcase,
because I assume
that you're still
too much of a limp d*ck.
[makes cartoonish sounds]
No.
Actually, I'll be the one
taking Joe to the showcase.
Well, maybe he can close
when it counts.
Grimy old bastard.
[grunts in frustration]
I hate that f*cking...
Congratulations.
Whatever, let's go.
[Rod] f*ck,
I wish that guy
-would f*cking die.
-Good job.
[Rod] assh*le!
[slow rock music
plays on speakers]
[Rod] "Limp d*ck."
"Limp d*ck."
That's all I hear.
Constant loop
in my brain for years.
Thank you so much.
Oh, f*ck Hurley.
He's an assh*le.
But, maybe it's karma
he's coaching our kids.
-Yes.
-[bell dings]
Yes!
-You're a f*cking genius.
-Mm.
This will be my opportunity
to show Hurley
and the rest of the world
and everybody else,
my d*ck can get as hard
as anybody else's.
Yes!
You have a hard d*ck!
Thank you, buddy.
[chuckles]
-[Rod] Mm.
-Come here.
Next week,
we take the kids to Arizona,
and you'll show Hurley
once and for all,
that you have got
what it takes to close the deal.
That's right.
I do.
-[chuckles]
-He's gonna see it.
Mm-hmm.
Good beer.
This is good beer.
[upbeat music plays]
[Simone] Hey, guys.
Joe, Izzy!
Remember, you're taking
the bus home today.
[knocks on window]
You're lingering, Simone.
There's no lingering
in the carpool lane.
Mm.
[Joe sighs]
-Hey.
-[picture frame clatters]
Sorry about last night.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You scraped me up off the floor
many times after Tracy left.
So, have you talked
to her recently?
[scoffs] Yeah.
I saw her this morning at yoga.
She wants to fix me up
with her new boyfriend's sister.
Did you tell her
to shove it?
Not exactly.
What did you say?
"Thank you."
Getting a date at 40
is brutal, man, it's--
We're having dinner at that
new restaurant on Saturday.
Ooh, Saturday?
We'll be on the road
to America's favorite
college baseball stadium.
[baseball organ music plays]
We're not driving, Rod.
I bought the plane tickets
last night, remember?
No, I didn't agree to that.
-Yes, you did.
-When?
Between the tequila
and the Sambuca sh*ts.
-Mm. Sambuca.
-Uh-huh.
I thought that was
our waitress's name.
-And that's when we got cut off.
-Ah, doesn't matter, man.
I can't fly.
Besides,
how much fun would it be
to do an old-fashioned
father-son road trip, huh?
I don't have that kind of time.
Oh, come on, man!
It's only a week.
I'll cover for you, sir.
Uh, see?
Creepy eavesdropping guy.
He's got your back.
Your company will be fine.
[sighs] Well...
at least if we drove,
I'd be able to bring Mulder.
[clears throat] Nope.
No dogs.
You know,
you got a lot of baggage.
No planes, no dogs.
I haven't even told you
the best part.
Wait, let me guess.
Simone has
a twin sister named Sambuca.
-No.
-Oh.
I found another showcase
to take the boys to.
-It's on the way.
-You're nuts.
We're not gonna have
time for that.
[Rod chuckles]
[paper rustles]
It's at MU.
We can finally take our boys
to check out our alma mater
like we always said we would.
And I called the SIG House.
They're expecting us.
Shuck corn, Matterhorn.
I must be crazy
for even considering driving.
Great.
Then it's settled.
We leave Saturday.
[Rod humming]
[Alex sighs]
[club music plays]
In five, four,
three, two.
Ladies,
looks like today
is gonna be dedicated
to the fine art
of pinch hitting.
-[vibrator buzzing]
-[gasps] Ooh.
[giggles] It looks like
we might go
into extra innings.
[thudding, squeaking]
Now, some of you
may have big barrels...
and some of you may not.
But take it
from Boob Ruth,
as long as you have wood,
you can score.
-[bell dinging]
-[squirting]
[cartoonish spinning sound]
[whip cracks]
And that's why they call me
the Sultan of Squat.
-[Simone] sh*t!
-[record scratch]
[Simone sighs]
It's okay. Cut. Hey.
I'll edit that last part.
Don't worry about it.
No, don't use that one.
-[phone camera chimes]
-Stop!
Crossed the line,
even for us.
Oh, I mean...
you didn't use
the tiny baseballs.
[ball bouncing sound effect]
-[sighs] Rod.
-Fine.
I'll keep it just for me.
-Rod!
-Okay, I'll delete it.
There.
Boob Ruth is officially
retired forever.
[groans] Yes.
It is time to move on.
[cell phone dings]
Oh, I bet
the kids missed the bus.
Hmm.
Oh-- oh, my God.
Um, Lobster t*nk,
they want to interview me
in person.
Simone, that's amazing.
I have so much to do
before next week.
[Rod groans]
Speaking of next week,
do you remember Coach Hurley?
-[Simone gags]
-Yeah.
-He's Joe's new coach.
-What?
I-- I thought he was at TU?
What's he doing here
coaching a high school team?
He's washed up.
This is probably
the best gig he could get.
Serves him right.
I hate
the power he has over you.
It's all right.
I'm gonna put him
in his place.
And I'm gonna
put you in yours.
Kids won't be home
for ten more minutes.
Apparently,
he somehow still has pull at TU.
I mean, he hand-selected Joe
for this tryout.
Yeah.
I'm gonna show him
what Browning men
are really made of.
But Arizona, Rod?
Yeah.
Me and Alex,
we're gonna drive the boys,
-save some money.
-Tyler got invited, too?
Of course he did.
He's almost
as good as Joe.
I mean, I taught him
everything he knows.
Mm. Like humility?
Simone,
this is a big deal.
This is the best program
in the country.
We can't afford
not to send Joe.
He could get a full ride
if they like him,
which they will.
I thought
full rides were rare.
Not for me.
I-- I mean, not for Joe.
[Simone exhales]
I mean, look at us.
We're making p*rn
in our bedroom.
And not even good ones.
While you live out
your unfulfilled dreams
through our son.
All right.
That's not fair.
[emotional music plays]
I fulfilled one of my dreams
when I married you.
[scoffs] You're unbelievable.
You didn't even hear
a word I said.
You don't even care
about my good news.
That's not true.
That-- that's amazing.
It really is,
and I'm happy for you.
It's just--
[sighs]
I finally got a chance
to set things right.
Yeah.
I wish my parents
could have seen Joe play.
I-- he's so much better
than I was.
[Simone exhales]
When is this showcase?
We leave Saturday.
But Joe has school
next week.
Honey,
the kid's getting straight A's,
he can afford
to miss a few days.
But what about next weekend?
You do remember
what next Saturday is.
Yeah, of course.
What is it?
[Rod chuckles awkwardly]
You know, it's the, uh,
it's the thing.
The, um...
anniversary.
It's Isabel's birthday.
Right. I-- I know that.
That-- I meant
it's the anniversary
of Isabel's birth.
If you're not back
in time for her party...
I promise, I'll be back.
And you need to show
more interest in Isabel's life.
Yeah, you're right.
And when I get back,
I promise it's gonna be
all about Isabel.
The Izmeister.
Fine. You can go.
But this is it.
Yes, this is it.
Starting now,
Joe decides what he wants to do
with his life.
He decides
where he wants to go to college
and what he wants to do
with the rest of his life.
He wants to play baseball.
Rod.
Okay. Done.
And it would be nice
if you'd pay a little bit more
attention to me, too.
Oh, that part is easy.
-[both chuckle]
-[Rod moans]
[Joe] Mom, we're home.
[Rod groans]
[groans] sh*t.
You're the one
that wanted to have kids.
[Simone chortles]
[Joe] Where is it?
Right,
let's get going here.
-Joe put your bag in.
-I can't find my big barrel.
Oh, here it is.
You're gonna do great.
I love you.
Izzy.
Oh!
I promise I will be back
in time for your party.
Unless baseball, right?
Wild horses
couldn't keep me away.
-What about the Cubs?
-No.
-Tigers?
-Nope.
-Diamondbacks?
-Izzy.
I promise
I'll be back, okay?
[Joe] The show's gonna love you.
Just remember the nutmeg.
I will, I promise.
-[Rod] Love you, honey.
-Love you, too.
-Hey, good luck next week.
-[Simone] Thank you.
Oh, hey,
have fun at band camp.
I don't play
an instrument, Dad.
I think you mean
bonds camp.
Ah! [chuckles]
Chemistry humor.
-I get it.
-No, Dad.
It's a camp
at the animal shelter
for socializing dogs.
And speaking of which,
there is this
one really cute dog.
[harp flourish]
[heavenly music plays]
-Hey.
-[dog barks]
[young Rod] Ew.
-Gross. Stop.
-[dog whines]
Dude, you have
wiener sauce all over you.
[music darkens]
No dogs.
But I promise I will give you
something very special
-for your 14th birthday, okay?
-Dad.
-Really, Rod?
-What?
-It's her 15th, Dad.
-[Rod groans] f*ck!
15th! 15th birthday.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'll bring you two presents,
I promise.
-Nice.
-Oh, Jennifer!
You're lingering.
Shoo!
-Be nice.
-No, f*cking--
[Rod chuckles]
Shuck corn, Matterhorn.
You ready for this?
-[Alex] Oh, I'm so ready.
-[Rod] What do you got here?
Oh, nice.
You got it mapped out already.
Yeah, I'm good.
Hey, man.
[Joe] Seriously, Tyler?
What, these are not enough?
Dude,
we're gonna be playing baseball,
like, the whole time.
Oh. That's fine.
I have
a quick pop time anyways.
Okay, I'd--
I'd keep that to yourself.
Oh, there you go.
And you know me.
Once we hit the open road,
I'll make it up.
-Yeah, I know you will.
-All right.
-[Rod] Cool. Let's hit it.
-[Alex] For sure.
You forgot
your lucky ball, Joe.
Right here, Izzy, okay?
Oh, crap.
You throw harder than Joe.
[Joe] I heard that.
[engine rumbles to a start]
[upbeat rock music]
Hey, this is
just like the movie.
Animal House?
What a classic.
No, no, not that.
What's it called, Dad?
I don't know
what you're talking about, Ty.
[Tyler] It was the second one
down on your saved list.
Um, Slutty Sorority something?
[Alex] I told you not to play
with my laptop, Tyler.
I wasn't playing
with your laptop.
I was watching p*rn with it.
I am so winning
a parenting award.
[Alex scoffs]
You know what I'm talking about,
right, Dad?
It-- it's right
in between Star Wars
and-- and Boob Ruth.
-Can't forget that one.
-[Rod] What?
-[car alarm blaring]
-[Rod] Damn it!
What did you say, Tyler?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Be more careful, Rod!
-[Rod] I gotta be more careful?
-[Alex] Yeah.
What about you,
Mr. Security?
Mr. Parental Controls?
f*cking guru tech guy?
I mean, isn't this
what your company does?
-[car alarm continues to blare]
-[inaudible arguing]
We gotta do something
about this alarm.
Can you do anything
to shut it off?
Check the manual.
Maybe there's something
in there.
There isn't anything
in the manual for the alarm.
Oh, that engine light
says that your--
your car needs
immediate assistance.
Ah, I've been driving
like that for months.
It's fine,
I don't care about it.
Well, that's comforting.
No, I-- I got this.
-[alarm stops blaring]
-Ooh.
-Hey. [chuckles]
-Nice.
All right!
[Rod] Ready to check out
the house, boys?
Huh?
[club music plays]
[people cheering]
[crowd] Chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!
Oh, they got
a wall of fame.
Well, there you are,
right there.
Yeah.
And there's, uh,
there's me over there.
Hey, who the--
Are you Rod Browning?
Yes, I am.
I'm Steaz McGoo, man.
I'm your biggest fan.
-I can't believe you're here.
-Good to meet you, Mr. McGoo.
-Hell of a game you had.
-Yeah?
Yeah, it was.
It was a great game.
Oh, you were--
you were there, too?
-I was, I was.
-Oh, you know, that's cool.
The Foo-bees
still keep score for us.
Christ, 25 years later,
and you still think
I was a Foo-bee?
I'm a SIG, like you guys.
It's just--
you look a little, uh...
Uncoordinated?
I was a statistician,
not the scorekeeper.
Ah, and you wonder why people
still refer to you as a Foo-bee?
[Steve chuckles]
Shuck corn, Matterhorn!
[Rod]
Ah, let's meet your friends.
All I'm saying is,
I wouldn't trust my husband.
-You don't have a husband.
-[meditative music plays]
Well, when I did...
I wouldn't trust him
on an all-guys road trip.
Lisa, he's with Joe.
I'm just saying,
you never know.
You know what?
I'll prove it to you.
[calling tone rings]
[Rod grunts]
[calling tone rings]
sh*t, Tyler's turned off
his location.
sh*t!
I'm sure
they're just out of cell range.
Uh-huh.
Put your finger over
a little bit like that...
[laughter]
-Rod! Rod!
-[Rod] Come on.
Oh, what's up, man?
Joe's been texting me.
You're not picking up
your phone.
Oh, sh*t.
Apparently, they went over
to the Double O house.
-Now Joe can't find Tyler.
-Ah, Double O's.
-Love 'em. Love 'em.
-Yeah.
I hope they brought
some condoms.
Condoms? The Double O's
aren't gonna sleep
with a high school kid.
-Are they?
-Really?
Double O's
will sleep with anybody.
That was not my experience.
Let's forget
about your inability
to get laid, Alex.
This is about the boys
and Tyler's hormones,
which is gonna screw up
our boys' future.
-We gotta go find them.
-All right.
Work on that back, right?
[R&B music plays]
[Rod] Oh, yeah.
See what I'm talking about?
Well, at least
they're being safe about it.
God, I don't even remember
the last time
I used one of these.
[chuckles]
-[Alex groans]
-What are you smelling it for?
-It's--
-Pretty disgusting.
Oh, sh*t, it's Simone.
Don't answer it.
I've gotta take this.
I've ignored
her last three calls.
-No, no. Don't do it.
-I got it.
-[Rod] f*ck!
-[Alex] Oh, your shirt.
Are you kidding me?
Goddammit.
-[Rod groans]
-Oh.
[Alex] I'll go find Tyler.
[phone rings]
-[Rod] Hi, honey.
-Where are you?
[Simone] Rod?
Uh, a restaurant.
-[Simone] Where?
-Uh, hm, in Kansas?
Oh, you're not in Kansas
anymore, Mr. Gray.
The f*ck?
Who was that?
[Rod] The waitress.
Why aren't you or Joe
answering my calls?
-[Rod grunts]
-Oh, you like it spicy?
[woman laughs over phone]
-Rod?
-[Rod] Oh, sorry, babe.
Um, we need to order now.
Can I call you later?
What is going on, Rod?
Nothing, she's, uh,
trying to get me
to try the house special.
I like yours much better.
I'm calling Joe.
Um, yeah, so, uh...
do you have
something to drink maybe?
Or, uh, something...
-[Rod panting]
-I've got plenty.
Oh, great, so I'm gonna
just go sit right there...
-Plenty.
-...on the couch, and...
Oh, oh, oh.
Rats.
[upbeat music playing]
[phone buzzing]
-Joe, don't answer.
-It's mom.
-Hey, Mom.
-What's going on, Joe?
Uh, we're just, uh,
having some food.
Uh, and then
we're going right to sleep.
We have to be there by eight.
But the showcase
isn't until Wednesday.
-It's MU's.
-MU?
I mean, we're safe?
[chuckles]
Your father's right there
coaching you what to say,
isn't he?
Put him on the phone, Joe.
Okay.
[party din]
Hi, honey.
I should've known
you would go to MU.
No, no, no, it's--
we were just passing by.
-That's all.
-Great.
Let me guess.
You're at the SIG house.
No, no, we're just, we're eating
and we're going straight to bed.
I knew I shouldn't have
let you go on this trip, Rod.
[Rod] Simone.
I promise you,
we're not doing anything wrong.
Would you-- Simone?
Great. Your mother
hung up on me again.
Uh, safe?
You were giving me
the signal for safe.
No, no, this is the safe signal.
This means no.
And this is a f*cking idiot.
Put down the f*cking Kn*fe.
You're a pitcher.
What if you f*ck your hand up?
-I'm not 12.
-Oh, my God. Take this.
-Thanks.
-Let's go.
-Oh, my God.
-[Rod] sh*t.
No, you are the dumb ass here.
[people moaning]
Tyler?
[moaning continues]
Tyler! Are you in there?
I'm knocking down the door.
[grunting in pain] Oh, oh, oh.
Maybe I was a Foo-bee
in college.
Dad! What are you doing here?
For the love of Mother Teresa,
you just met her.
-[groans]
-Okay.
But you don't have to worry,
all right?
She already signed this.
[people moaning]
You slept with 12 women?
Who told you
that they were all women?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
We're getting out of here.
Let's go.
[Tyler retching]
Oh, come on,
you're ruining my top.
See, this is why
we can't have nice things.
That's it.
Top's up the rest of the trip.
[groans in frustration]
Maybe I was mistaken
thinking you two
could handle a college campus.
Yeah. [clear throat]
You may be right.
I only brought enough
for maybe half.
-What?
-Nothing. Uh, yep.
We are sorry,
and we know
we are not ready for this.
You gotta remember that college
is about
learning responsibility.
We know.
[Alex] Your education
is your top priority.
And baseball.
Which is why we got
to get you two clowns to bed.
That is fine by me.
I'm exhausted.
[Rod] Well, I can't imagine why?
[Alex groans]
[Alex sighs]
I can't believe my son has slept
with more people than me.
No, come on, man.
-That's not true.
-Yes, it is.
What about
those exchange students?
Sophomore year.
That's two right there.
That was you, Rod.
Oh. [chuckles] Yeah.
Oh. [chuckles]
How about that night
the cheerleader's bus
broke down, huh?
It's you again.
Oh, right, right.
Well, you were married
to a beautiful woman
for 18 years.
Who now wants me
to date her boyfriend's sister.
[Alex grunts]
Yeah, you're right.
We gotta do
something about this.
Well, I am doing something.
I'm looking for
the meaning of life.
[Rod] Ah.
And I'm watching some p*rn.
[Rod chuckles softly]
You ought to check out
this Boob Ruth, man.
-[Rod sighs]
-She is so hot.
[Simone over phone]
Welcome to the Boob Ruth Show.
-[dog barks]
-[bush rustling]
-Where the fans always score.
-Did you hear that?
No, I keep the volume down
cause she can get kind of loud.
No, no, no.
Stop with the p*rn.
I'm talking about in the bush.
Did you hear something?
You're starting
to freak me out here, man.
[Simone moaning over phone]
Yeah.
What do you say we get
some tots and call it a night?
-I do love the tots.
-Mhm-hm.
[Alex sighs]
[Alex grunts]
[muffled pop music playing]
Why the hell did you get
so much food?
[bell dings]
Sorry, buddy.
No worries.
I'll just drown my sorrows
in a new episode of Boob Ruth.
No.
[Rod sighs]
Simone?
No, it's not Simone.
Getting all these updates
on our website.
I gotta take a look at this.
Yeah, me too.
-[Simone moaning over phone]
-Whoa, damn.
You gotta see this.
Boob Ruth's
using the big barrel.
Wait a second.
Isn't that Joe's bat?
Look, that's his initials
right there.
-All right. Give me--
-Wait a minute.
Just give me your phone.
Is this the internet business
that you and Simone
have been doing?
Oh, goddammit.
Simone's gonna k*ll me.
-Simone is Boob Ruth?
-Let's go.
sh*t.
You cannot tell anyone.
My obsession with Boob Ruth
now makes total sense.
My wife, Alex.
You can't talk about my wife
like that.
-It's f*cked up.
-f*cked up?
What are you talking about?
You're making
p*rn with your wife.
We were desperate.
The bills were piling up.
We needed the money.
The divorce tapped out
all my cash
but give me a few days
and I can get you some money.
No, no, I don't
want you doing that.
Let me help you.
You've always had my back.
Well, apparently I could have
hooked you up with more chicks.
Well, that's true.
But Tyler wouldn't be
half the ballplayer he is
if it weren't for you.
[sighs] I appreciate it, man.
I really do.
But I'm gonna
get this new job next week
and we're gonna be fine.
Guaranteed. You're the man.
Oh, grimy little dog.
Give me your mace.
I don't carry it anymore.
Gave me bad energy.
Besides, he looks friendly.
Come on, boy. Here boy.
-[Alex] That's it.
-[Rod] Don't feed it.
We're never gonna get rid of it.
We can't just leave it out here.
I'm taking him to the hotel.
No, you're not.
Somebody must be
looking for him.
I'll check the lost dog website.
Maybe he's just lost his collar.
He's not sleeping with me.
He's probably got fleas.
[Alex] Come on, dog. Come on.
Yeah, come on.
[keys clacking]
[sighs deeply]
[Rod sighs]
Does he have fleas?
No, but he's a she,
so you don't have to
worry about her
blowing her load all over you.
Well, that's good.
It doesn't seem that
anyone's looking for Matterhorn.
[yawns] I'll call
[indistinct] in the morning.
Wait, you named her Matterhorn?
[Alex snoring softly]
[sighs]
[soft emotional music plays]
You know your name already?
-[sniffs]
-Hm.
You're pretty smart.
Pretty cute too.
Izzy would love you.
I gotta be a better dad to her.
This is Izzy.
She's beautiful, strong, smart.
Just like Simone.
[heartfelt instrumental]
Honestly,
I don't deserve either of them.
[Rod grunts softly]
[sizzling food sounds]
-[bell dings]
-[knock on door]
[Rob] Rise up boys.
Time to shine.
[Tyler grunts softly]
[sighs] You're not ready.
We don't have to be there
till 8:00, Dad.
8:00 is for slackers.
Matterhorn time is 7:00.
[Matterhorn barks]
-What she said?
-[Matterhorn barks]
-[Joe] Who's the pup?
-Is Tyler ready?
Almost, give us 15 minutes.
All right, hurry it up.
Meet us down by the car.
Go.
[groans]
[Tyler grunts]
Wake up.
I feel sick.
[upbeat music plays]
-I like your dog.
-Oh, thank you.
We're fostering her.
No, we're not.
We're taking her to a shelter.
I called the shelter.
No one's been looking for her.
So they asked us
to foster her for a few days
until something
opened up in the kennel.
I didn't sign up for this, Alex.
Yes, you did.
We would have never found her
if we had flown.
Fine.
[Hurley] All right. We got
a few players helping out today.
Pitchers, stay with me,
catchers with Coach Olson.
Position players
out on the field.
Let's go.
All right arms, you're facing
the top of the order.
So, Latner,
we've got Jackson,
we got McGoo
and we've got Big Danny Kelly.
You're gonna figure out
which one he is.
All right. Go out there
and loosen up, guys.
Let's go.
[scattered cheering]
Hey, your dad's
Rod Browning, right?
Yeah.
The guy is a legend around here.
-Yeah.
-By the way,
you go against Kelly,
he can't hit the curveball
to save his life.
-Really?
-Makes him look like a fool.
Every time. Trust me.
Browning, get on the bump.
Kelly, grab a bat.
You're up next.
[dramatic music]
[bat clinks]
Foul ball.
The hell's wrong
with these guys, man?
I know Tyler's hung over.
Joe's playing
like his head's up his ass.
But that's no excuse.
Dude, you can't
throw another fastball.
-This guy's gonna crush it.
-He just got lucky.
It's not gonna get by me.
Dude, did you see what he did
to the last fastball?
Tyler, I got this.
Okay.
[dramatic music continues]
Go ahead, Joe.
Kiss the Blarney stone.
-What the f*ck?
-Do it.
[bat clinks]
Bush league.
[thunder rumbling]
Ooh.
Well, we f*cked that one up.
Hey, I know you don't really
give a sh*t anymore
about this stuff,
but I still do.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Then why did you get
lit last night?
Touch.
But it's not happening
ever again.
[Rod shouting] Let's go.
We're coming.
God.
Just hurry up, Tyler.
[siren blaring]
[Matterhorn barks]
sh*t.
[groans]
You two really
screwed the pooch today.
No offense, Matterhorn.
Hey, Rod, you're the one
getting the ticket here.
Not us.
Hey, Tyler.
You're the one
that smells like sh*t here.
Not us.
I told you I was sick.
That's why we sucked today.
You were hungover.
That's why you sucked today.
[Tyler grunts in frustration]
I think
it's Matterhorn that stinks.
I gotta get her some real food.
Hey, we need food too.
After that piss poor
performance today,
I don't think
either of you deserve food.
[Tyler chuckles]
Bars with benefits.
All right, shh, shh.
Guys, not a word
of this to Simone.
-Hi, honey.
-Hi, baby.
How's everything going?
Good. Great. Awesome.
Good. Where are you?
Uh, we're driving
into Oklahoma as we speak.
Land of the Sooners.
Uh, you know
how fast you were going?
Rod?
Did you just get pulled over?
About, uh, 75, sir?
[grunts] I'll tell you what.
For $100
we can overlook
your alternate view of reality.
See, dogs like Gigi here,
they need a new collar.
-Hm.
-Oh, my God.
Are you bribing a cop?
Let me, uh,
let me get that for you.
Yeah. Thank you.
Animal welfare.
Good cause.
-[cop] Great cause.
-Hm-mm.
-Hello?
-Have a good day.
-You as well.
-Thank you.
[Simone] Hello?
Rod?
Hi, honey. Sorry about that.
E-everything's great.
How's it going over by you
guys?
Yeah, everything is fine here.
I just called because
I need advice from Alex
-on what computer to get Izzy.
-Oh.
She's been making
a lot of videos lately.
-Is he right there?
-Yep.
Hey, Boob.
What did you say, Alex?
I-- I-- I said, hey, noob.
Izzy needs about
16 gigs of RAM
in order to edit
her videos, noob.
-[Matterhorn barks]
-Was that a dog?
[Rod] No, no, of course not.
That's, um, that's Tyler.
I think he picked
something up
-at MU.
-[Tyler] Shut up.
[Tyler] Come on now,
I always wear a condom.
What?
-What?
-Shh.
What is going on there?
[Rod] Nothing,
everything's great.
Everything is good to go.
We are...
Oh sh*t. We got a flat tire.
I knew you shouldn't have
taken this trip.
You've got exactly four days
to make it back in one piece.
[Rod] That won't be a prob--
Hello?
sh*t.
There's gotta be an auto repair
place somewhere around here.
No, f*ck that.
We don't have time.
I'll go and do it myself.
You guys, you know, relax.
[Joe] You can't make it
all the way to Arizona
-on the spare, Dad.
-[Rod] Watch me, son.
I don't wanna look too sexy.
Hey, whatever it takes.
And besides, that host is hot.
Oh, I love
his Australian accent.
This is serious.
Kurt Granite is one of the most
innovative chefs ever.
Well, maybe
he'll take you down under.
Lisa, I'm married,
happily married.
I know.
I'm sorry about that.
All I'm saying is a little
innocent flirting can't hurt.
Wear that shirt
you wore on New Year's Eve.
That is way too low-cut.
Simone's Sauces
can stand on their own.
No cleavage required.
Suit yourself.
I will.
[lively country music plays]
[Rod chuckling]
-[sighs] Hey, buddy.
-[mechanic] Hey, man.
Thanks again for getting this
done so quickly.
-Sure, yeah, no problem.
-Appreciate it.
-It's a big day for the boys.
-She's all yours, ready to go.
Thank you.
All right, we'll see ya.
Well, it looks like
things are getting done.
Yeah, looks like it.
You know,
I gotta hand it to him,
no matter what happens,
he always seems to be able
to land on his feet.
[chuckles softly]] Yep,
in spikes that I'll never fill.
Look, Joe.
Your dad
never expects you to do--
Are you kidding?
The only thing my dad cares
about is me playing baseball.
Oh, okay. Maybe.
But it is your decision.
Yeah, it sure
doesn't feel like it.
Hey, what's going on here, Rod?
We're good to go, brother.
Now we can head
to America's favorite
college baseball stadium.
But watch this. Ready?
Yeah.
Shuck corn, Matterhorn
Oh, nice.
Yeah. Not bad, huh?
All right, let's hit it.
Hold on, let me take
Matterhorn for a quick walk
-before we check into the hotel.
-All right. Let's do it.
Let's go, Matterhorn.
Here we go.
Time to do your business.
Yeah.
Come on.
Oh, my God. She's so cute.
-Can I pet her?
-Yeah, sure.
She's super friendly.
Oh, what's her name?
-Matterhorn.
-How long have you had her?
Uh, we just got her, in fact,
I think she's a stray.
Oh, are you gonna keep her?
I can't, my dog at home
only likes human companions.
What about you? You have a dog?
But my ex got to keep her.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Me too,
cause I'm lost without her.
I can't imagine.
I'd be devastated
if something happened to Mulder.
Mulder?
As in Fox?
Yes, nobody ever gets that.
-My dog's name is Scully.
-No.
-Are you serious?
-Hm-mm.
-Um, Alex, not Fox.
-Brenna, not Dana.
-[both chuckle]
-[Brenna gasps]
-[Brenna] Oh, sh*t.
-[Alex] Oh, man.
You mind
if I take a look at it?
Well, the good news is,
it still works
and you can get the screen
replaced pretty easily.
Hm, not on my budget.
I guess I'll just read
between the cracks.
Looks like you're planning
some trips to Chicago.
Yes. Big wedding weekend.
Oh, you're getting married?
No. No, my friend,
I designed her dress.
-You're a designer?
-Aspiring.
Oh, wow, that's great.
My friend
has a kiosk in the mall
and she lets me sell
a few of my things there.
I love it.
Well, I'm stuck
in retail right now.
You'll get there.
I have a business in Chicago
and it's just hard.
Maybe I can fix your phone
when you get to the wedding
in Chicago.
I wish.
But I can't afford to go.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Me too.
[Rod] Alex.
That's my friend.
We're taking our two sons
to try out
for the TU baseball team
tomorrow.
You have a son?
Yeah, but not a wife,
in case you were wondering.
I was kind of curious.
[Rod] Alex!
Sounds like you need to go.
Well, it sure
was nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you, too.
Let me give you my number
in case
you do make it to Chicago.
Oh, here, hold on,
let me get that.
[Brenna chuckles]
Oh, Saint Francis of Assisi.
Oh my God! Matterhorn!
[Alex] What? Rod?
Oh, Rod.
[Rod] Let's go.
Come on, Alex, move your ass.
[jaunty music plays]
What the hell did you do?
f*ck.
Put on your seatbelt, okay?
[Alex] How could they just
disappear like that?
They were right there
in front of us.
I was going as fast as I can.
What do you want me to do?
-Calm down, we'll find her soon.
-[Alex] I just put
the leash down for a second
so I could get untangled.
I wanted to give
Brenna my phone number.
[Rod] So you were thinking
with your d*ck?
That's what you were doing.
[jaunty music continues]
[Rod] Joe, do you see anything?
I can't see anything.
-Do you see anything?
-Yeah, I think they turned.
-They turned right here.
-[Rod] They turned right?
-No, left.
-[Rod] I think they went right.
[Joe] No, come on,
they went left.
I swear, just go.
You-- you do it.
I'm not making this decision.
I gotta go with my instincts.
I think they went right.
You never listen to me.
Look, that's them, maybe...
f*ck.
[music stops]
Thanks for watching
Lobster t*nk,
where we fund some of the most
promising chefs around.
Only if they can
prove their pudding.
[director] And cut.
[clears throat]
[indistinct background chatter]
You must be Simone.
Your lemon poppy seed dressing
was outstanding.
Thank you, Mr. Granit.
No, please, call me Kurt.
Oh, and your marinara...
Mmm!
It was like
being back in Florence.
Did I detect nutmeg?
Yes, you did.
Thank you, mister--
Kurt. I--
I'm just as excited to be here.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say you'll be on the show.
[chuckles nervously]
And I'll be honest with you.
I'm not actually Australian.
There's a lot of BS
that goes along
with being on the show.
All those ridiculous tasks
that we make contestants
do for ratings... [sucks teeth]
It's all worth it, though.
Our last winner just opened
a restaurant in Paris.
Paris? [scoffs] Wow.
I've always wanted to go.
But you have to fly there.
-Sorry?
-Oh, never mind.
Um, yes.
Yes, I'd love to be on the show.
[Kurt clears throat]
I've got a great feeling
about you, Simone.
Your screen test was amazing.
Best I've seen.
Have you been on camera before?
No, never.
You're a natural, then.
Thing is
we're only here this week.
So we have to start
filming tomorrow.
I'm sure you have a husband
you need to check in with.
No, I don't. I'm-- I'm in.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Hey, yeah.
So what do you think?
I think it was good.
I think I could have hit
the Lobster t*nk
a little bit stronger.
[hotel clerk] There you go.
Now, you're not gonna
want to miss the mall.
There's always some celebrity
or another signing autographs.
Last week was
a David Hasselhoff impersonator.
Mhm.
There's an indoor
merry-go-around.
Mhm.
We've got America's favorite
college baseball stadium.
Sorry, we're not that
enthusiastic right now.
To be honest,
we're actually pretty bummed out
because, well,
our dog just ran away.
She was probably dog-napped.
That's terrible. Here.
Call Animal Control.
They'll help you.
Thanks, I will.
Come on.
-This place looks pretty cool.
-Mm.
[muzak plays]
[door creaking]
[phone rings]
-Hi, baby.
-[Simone] Finally,
I've been trying
to get a hold of you.
Rod, I got the job.
I am so excited.
Yes!
Uh, me too.
You got the job too?
That's amazing.
Uh, yeah.
Well, when do you start?
We-- we haven't set
the start date yet,
but we will soon.
[horn blares]
Uh, baby. I gotta go.
I gotta get
the rest of the groceries
and Isabel needs a ride.
I just wanted to call
and tell you the good news!
And congratulations on your job.
Uh, thanks, you too.
We'll celebrate
when we get home.
-Tell Izzy, I love her.
-I will.
-[door rattles open]
-[Rod sighs happily]
[Matterhorn whimpers]
You brought me a doggie bag.
Alex!
[Alex] I'll be right out.
I hired a psychic
to help us find Matterhorn.
No need. She's back.
What you doing? That's you.
What is he doing
with all these pictures?
Holy, merciful Buddha.
Welcome back, Matterhorn.
-Where have you been?
-It's all coming together?
Matterhorn's back.
Simone got picked up
for the show.
I'm getting a new job
and tomorrow
our boys are gonna kick ass...
[both] ...at America's
favorite baseball stadium.
-Bam.
-Ugh.
It's all working, right, honey?
This is working.
Oh, it's all working.
What's all this, dude?
It's a little creepy.
[upbeat instrumental playing]
-What the hell is going on?
-Where is everyone?
Get out.
There's a sign.
Go read the sign.
What's it say?
Moved to Tempe High School.
We're in the wrong place.
I think
it's over that way.
[Rod] Oh, come on.
[Alex] Come on,
come on, hurry up.
-[Rod] All right. All right.
-[indistinct] here, Matterhorn.
-[Rod] Okay, boys.
-[Alex] Just relax,
we're here early, there aren't
even any scouts here.
This is what
we trained for, all right?
It's what we trained for.
Let's get it!
[Matterhorn growling, panting]
So much for America's favorite
college baseball stadium.
Honestly, I don't give a crap
where they play
as long
as they get selected.
[audience applauding]
[Rod] Come on, Tyler,
be ready, be ready now.
Come on, Joe.
[grunts]
[Rod] Uh, you seen cheese
better than that.
You got it!
[Alex] Come on, Tyler,
look alive out there.
[ball thuds]
[Rod] Get in there, Joe.
You got this.
[Alex]
Be ready now, be ready.
Home run, baby.
Come on.
-[Joe groans]
-[Rod] f*ck.
[Joe grunting]
-[Rod] No!
-[Brenna] I'm coming.
-Stay down.
-[Joe] Oh, my God.
Show me the hand.
Is it your thumb?
-[Rod] You okay?
-Show me the fingers.
-[Rod] Joe! Joe!
-[Brenna] Hey, guys,
-can you back up, please?
-Joe.
-[woman] Back up.
-Are you okay?
It's fine.
It'll be okay.
Ah, Joe,
that's your pitching hand.
-[woman] Are you his dad?
-Yeah.
I'm worried about a fracture.
He needs an X-ray.
Goddammit.
They haven't seen him pitch yet.
Sorry, Dad,
shouldn't have batted.
No, what you should have done
is you should have swung
at one of those
first f*cking two pitches.
He was pitching, like, 95.
You're doing fine, kid.
He can handle the heat.
He needs medical attention.
[Joe grunts]
-Goddammit.
-[woman] Don't move it.
-[Joe] Hey, man.
-Nice pitch, Pete.
f*cking amateur.
All right, hey,
we're gonna run,
get it checked out,
we can still make it
back in time
before the end of the trial.
All right?
-f*cking clown.
-The scouts come at noon.
Let's go.
[Rod panting]
Well, I'm afraid
he fractured his thumb.
-Dammit!
-We set it, here.
But your doctor back home
will have to check it
in about four weeks.
Can he still pitch?
I mean,
Joe's gonna be playing in D1.
[doctor]
Is that right, young man?
That's what my dad thinks.
I see no reason why his thumb
won't heal properly.
Oh, thank God.
He'll be pitching,
batting, chopping,
whatever else
he wants to do with his thumb.
[chuckling]
I'm sorry, chopping?
You two need
to talk to each other,
and I'll be back
in a few minutes.
[footsteps departing]
What's going on, Joe?
Look, I--
I probably,
should've told you this
a long time ago,
but, um...
I-- I don't want
to play baseball anymore.
What?
I can't believe this, Joe.
Why?
It just stopped being fun.
I only play
because it makes you happy.
I can live with that.
Seriously?
No?
Jesus Christ.
Look, Dad,
baseball is your thing.
It's not mine.
[Rod sighs]
Fine.
What's your thing?
-Cooking.
-Oh, dear God.
-For the pain.
-Oh, thank you.
Uh, they're for your son,
Mr. Browning.
[grunts] I knew that.
Okay, you're good to go.
Thank you.
I-- I guess, as long as
I'm being honest about baseball,
I may as well
tell you something else.
Oh, what?
That you're gay?
Who cares?
You're my son.
I love you.
And besides,
maybe we can parlay
the whole
gay pitcher thing,
and do
a pretty sweet endorsement.
Like, uh--
uh-huh. [chuckles]
-Joe "The Flamer" Browning--
-Dad.
Look, I get it you're trying
to connect with me.
It's great, but...
you're not listening, okay?
-So just give me my clothes.
-Joe.
Just give me
my clothes, please.
[Rod sighs]
Thank you.
[sighs]
Oh, f*ck.
[upbeat instrumental playing]
[Matterhorn growls]
[engine stops]
So how's the thumb, Joe?
Broken.
Damn.
That really sucks, man.
Uh, it's no big deal.
Joe doesn't need
his thumb anyway.
He doesn't want
to play baseball anymore.
Thumbs are good for more
than just baseball, A-Rod.
You know like cooking.
Wait, did you know about him
not wanting to play baseball?
They're best friends, Rod.
So I was the only idiot
that didn't know this?
Yeah, I would say
pretty much.
Hey. Quiet, Tyler.
Let's go.
Let's go!
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
[Matterhorn panting]
[soft instrumental playing]
Uh, hey, Dad, there's--
there's malls up ahead.
We still have
to get Isabel's present.
[Rod] sh*t, that's right.
[Alex] Eyes on the road.
[cell phone vibrates]
Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa,
this is the call, guys.
This is the call.
All right.
Um, get out,
go, go, go, go, go.
All right.
All right. All right.
-[handbrake rattles]
-Hi, this is Rod.
Yes. Yeah.
One second, please.
I wanna pull over,
so I can talk to you safely.
Whoa, whoa, get something nice
for your sister.
-[Joe] Okay.
-Nice.
-Nothing sleazy.
-[Joe] I got it.
Hi. This is Rod Browning.
Hey, Paul.
Good to hear from you.
Oh, no, no,
that's unfortunate.
Oh, come on, uh--
I'm telling you,
I'm a quick learner.
Who I really am?
I mean,
I know jewelry, Paul,
I've been playing
on diamonds for 20 years.
[Matterhorn whining, panting]
No, I uh--
no, I understand.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll tell Alex
that you said hello.
Sure.
All right, bye-bye.
[groans]
Goddammit, buddy.
I don't understand.
You can do everything
the right way.
Make all the right choices...
and life will still give you
a big, fat,
steamy sh*t sandwich.
[Joe] Man,
I've got no idea
what to get Izzy
for her birthday.
Whatever you guys get her,
she always loves it.
I wouldn't stress that much.
You're probably right.
-Dude, I love Kitty Corba.
-Who?
She-- she's a reality
cooking show star.
sh*t.
Man, I've got to
get her autograph.
My mom will flip.
Can you do me a favor?
Tyler!
Check out the hottie
eating cinnamon pretzel.
Man, that's a churro.
I need you to focus.
Okay look, I need you
to get Izzy's gift, please.
Something appropriate
for a 15-year-old girl.
Hey, Joe,
relax for me, okay?
You can count on me for this.
Okay.
Just spend whatever you want,
he's being a d*ck.
Will do.
Oh. [exhales]
Oh, yeah.
[woman] Ugh.
Call security.
We have another perv.
[Tyler] Nice.
No, I'll just talk to him.
He's just a kid.
Hi. Hello.
Can I help you?
Hi, um...
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just--
you look really familiar.
Have you ever done
p*rn before?
Oh, oh, I am definitely
calling security.
No, that's okay,
I'll leave.
My dad's already threatening
to put a GPS inside me
once we get back
to Chicago, so...
Chicago?
Wait, is your dad's name Alex?
Yeah!
That's why
you look so familiar.
-You must be Brenna, right?
-Yes.
Okay, my dad's been
stalking your social media
for a long time now.
-Really?
-[Joe] Yeah.
Is he here with you?
Yeah, he's just over there
by the massage chairs.
You should definitely
come out and say hi.
I would love that.
Laura, can I take
my lunch break now?
Sure.
If you want to lose your job.
[coughing] Bitch.
Oh. Oh, I'm definitely
calling some security now.
You know what, Laura?
You are a bitch.
Oh, and I'm
writing you up too.
Don't bother. I quit.
Let's go meet your dad.
-Let me just grab my things.
-You can't quit.
We have
a whole display to do still.
-You can do it.
-And hey,
would it be okay
if we took these wings with us?
Of course you can,
she doesn't pay me
enough anyway.
Speaking of,
you're not gonna
get it next week.
You're never gonna
get it again.
["Shoe Song"
by Sammy SideFX playing]
Smoked my inspiration
Set my heart ablaze
Depression loves to grab me
when I'm deep in the haze
[radio playing faintly]
[Tyler] Hey, A-Rod.
So, our friend,
Brenna, over here
needs a ride to Chicago
in order to make it
to her friend's wedding.
-Does she now?
-[Tyler] Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.
-[Tyler] You cool with that?
Sure. Why not?
Let's add Brenna to the mix.
Hop in, the water's warm.
You know,
I'm driving across the country
so he could do something
he doesn't even want to do
putting my relationship
with my wife
and my daughter at risk,
spending money with the job
that I don't have...
and it's the one day
of the year in Arizona
it just happens to be
a f*cking downpour.
So, yes, I think
it's a swell idea
that we add
Brenna to the mix.
She could be the cherry
on top of the bullshit sundae.
Mmm. [chuckles]
[Tyler] See? I told you
he wouldn't care.
He's not always
such an assh*le.
[Joe] Here's your wallet, Dad.
Thanks,
hope you guys don't mind...
driving off
the first cliff I see.
Don't look at me like that.
I know, I promised Simone
we wouldn't use this episode.
But if I don't,
we won't be able to
pay our mortgage
next month.
All I gotta do is just edit
the last of the clip and--
-[phone buzzing]
-Oh, hi, babe.
-How's the-- the Shrimp...
-[phone beeps]
...uh, Pot thing going?
Lobster t*nk, Rod,
and-- and it's good.
I was just calling
to see how you're doing.
I know Joe's decision
must be really hard on you.
Uh, did you know too?
Yes, it's been coming
for a long time.
How did I not see it?
Because we see
what we want to see?
Honestly, right now, babe,
I just want to see you.
I can't wait
to see you either.
And don't worry,
everything is gonna be okay.
[door slams open]
[Brenna chuckling]
Brenna is a lingerie model.
[Brenna] No, I just
used to work there.
Who's Brenna?
Uh, it's just
a friend of Alex's.
Take it off.
Take it off!
What is a lingerie model
taking off in your room, Rod?
Uh, everything's
under control, Simone.
I-- I'll call you later.
-[Alex] Ooh, yeah.
-Dude. What the hell?
That sounded
sketchy as f*ck.
[Brenna sighs]
-Is he always so angry.
-Now Simone's pissed.
-Brenna. Brenna.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
You stay.
I'll go ahead, and go.
Just leave
you lovebirds alone.
-Thank you.
-No problem!
See you later, buzzkill.
Now, where were we?
Morning.
Ah.
[Rod snoring]
[Joe whistles]
[Joe] Wake up, Dad.
[Rod snoring]
-[Joe] Wake up, Dad.
-No, no, I'm not a limp d*ck!
[Joe] Okay, I'm gonna pretend
I did not hear that.
-[Rod groans]
-We have to go.
Oh. Oh, thank God.
None of it was real.
-[Rod grunts]
-Ow!
In my dream,
you gave up baseball.
Yeah, I did give up baseball.
Come on, Joe!
-What did I do wrong?
-Nothing.
Really?
Okay, maybe,
you pushed a little too much.
[sighs] I thought
you loved baseball, like me.
I do love baseball.
I just
don't want to do it forever.
[grunts]
But you're so good.
I don't want you
to waste your talent like I did.
I have other talents, Dad.
I know.
Did you think I forgot
about your straight A's
and your kick-ass sushi?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't.
Well,
you never acknowledge them.
[sighs]
You're right.
And I'm sorry about that.
It's okay.
I'm just glad
that you understand
I don't want to play.
Whoa.
I never said I understood.
[scoffs] Really?
I thought
we were having a moment.
[sighs] Look.
I get it here.
Just not here.
Not yet.
So, I'm just gonna need
a little time to...
let this dream go for good.
[sentimental
piano instrumental playing]
[Rod sighs]
Sorry about Isabel's present.
I probably
shouldn't have trusted Tyler
-with that one.
-[Rod chuckles]
It's all right.
Right, I should
probably pick out
Izzy's present
myself anyway. [laughs]
-[Alex] Hey, morning.
-[Rod] Join the party.
[Rod, Alex grunt]
[chuckles] Well,
the shelter just called.
They have room
for Matterhorn now.
Oh, that's, uh--
it's great.
You-- you know, uh,
we don't have time.
I mean,
if I'm not back within two days,
Simone will disown me.
[clattering]
Wh-- what do you think,
do you know anyone
that would want
to adopt Matterhorn?
I know someone
who runs a rescue,
but it usually,
takes her months
to place a dog
that looks like Matterhorn.
"Looks like--"
what are you talking about?
She's gorgeous.
Look at the beautiful,
dark, rich, black coat
and the perfect
white stripe on her chest.
Don't you even get me started
on those soulful brown eyes.
She's a stunner,
and whip-smart too,
but people are gonna
call her a pit bull.
Pitbull?
Like a... [growls]
Pitbull! Pitbull?
[sighs] I mean,
she never mauled my face
like they say on the news.
That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
They get a bad rep
from ignorant people.
[hums]
Well, I may be ignorant,
but I know better
than to look
a gift horse in the mouth.
Right, Joe?
Or something like that.
All right,
we gotta get going.
Time to hit the road.
Oh, we're not
done talking.
Okay. [sighs]
Well, Simone just finished
her final Lobster t*nk task.
We're gonna tally up
her customer's ratings,
and find out next week
if she's gonna be
sipping champagne
with investors,
or getting boiled alive.
[dramatic instrumental playing]
Find out next time
on Lobster t*nk.
[bubbles popping]
Nice work this week,
Simone.
Oh, thank you.
That pie challenge
was a little touch and go,
but I made it through okay.
I still don't understand
how blindfolding somebody
and smashing pies
in their face
is a good indicator
of how good of a chef they are.
[laughs] I agree.
I think
I still have meringue in my ear.
-Oh, really?
-[thud]
Oh. [clears throat]
-You're married.
-Yes, for 19 years.
But I thought you said
you didn't have to check
with your husband.
I don't.
I can make my own decisions,
and I take my wedding ring off
when I cook.
So, sorry if you think
I misled you.
I'm married. Happily.
Well, don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of other shrimp
on the barbie.
But, uh,
you hold on to my number.
Just in case
you change your mind.
[crickets chirping]
[Hurley] [whispering]
Oh, my Boob Ruth. Whew.
Flick!
[whimsical music playing]
I'm coming to get you,
Boob Ruth.
[chuckles]
[Hurley hums]
Ooh!
[grunting]
[sharply exhales]
Here comes your big barrel.
Boob. Boob Ruth.
Oh, Boob!
[hums]
That's right, boobies.
Boobies. Boobies.
[groaning]
-Boob... Ruth.
-[police siren blares]
[cell phone vibrates]
-Hi, babe.
-[scoffs] Don't you mean Boob?
[chuckles] No, of course not.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters,
my husband
is a lying sack of sh*t.
The police
were here tonight, Rod.
What? Why?
Because a pervert
saw the latest video you posted
and recognized me.
Oh, I'll k*ll the bastard.
You promised
you wouldn't post that video.
Oh, my God, it--
it must have posted by mistake.
I am so sorry, Simone.
Well,
while you've been gallivanting
across the country,
I was being stalked.
I'll k*ll the bastard.
[Simone] That bastard
is already in the hospital.
But it was your daughter
who took care of him.
-What do you mean?
-[Simone] It was Hurley.
He was the Peeping Tom.
That old f*ck.
He's ruining my life.
You can't blame Hurley
for everything.
[huffs] When he gets out,
we're pressing charges.
I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow.
Good idea.
I'm sure the jury will award me
for pain and suffering
for all these years
of harassment.
I'm calling
a lawyer tomorrow...
because I want a divorce.
Hey, oh-- oh, what?
Simone, honey...
I-- I love you,
wh-why would you say that?
I'll explain it
in terms that you understand.
[sobs]
I'm tired of being benched,
Rod.
And so is Isabel.
You can't get to Paris
by train, Rod.
[grunts] I--
I'm so sorry, Simone, but...
we're still a team.
We were a great team
until you couldn't get your head
out of your ass.
You don't even know
how good you had it.
No, Simone, not "had."
I'm so sorry.
I-- I-- I promise you
I will make this up to you.
-I'm tired of your empty...
-No.
...sales pitches.
Babe, tha-- tha--
that's only two strikes.
I'm also tired
of being lied to.
You didn't get that job,
did you?
[sobs]
Strike three, Rod.
You're out?
No.
Simone.
Simone?
Goddammit.
[sobs]
[cell phone vibrates]
[rhythmic music playing on TV]
[audience cheering on TV]
-I'll be right back.
-[Brenna sighs] Buzzkill.
[Alex sighs]
[Alex sighs]
[Alex] Oh, man.
I'm so sorry, Rod.
[Rod] In all these years,
how come no one ever told me
I was an assh*le?
[chuckles]
What do you think
the A in A-Rod stood for?
Really?
Holy sh*t.
Well, we still wanted to be you,
the golden boy,
the man's man.
-The assh*le.
-[Alex] Oh, yeah.
Until you met Simone.
Well, I f*cked that up.
She hates me, man.
It's over.
Look,
I can't save your marriage,
but I can get Boob Ruth
off the internet.
What we need
is a ninth-inning rally.
[sobs] I never even thought
I would think about
getting a divorce.
Don't worry, I'll help you
set up your Tinder profile.
Oh, my God.
[cell phone vibrates]
I can't even deal with him
right now.
-I can't believe you, Rod.
-Lisa?
[Lisa] What were you thinking?
Making Simone a p*rn star?
-It was her idea.
-Yeah, right.
Anyway,
it doesn't matter now.
Kurt Granite
is her knight in shining armor.
You should be worried, Rod.
[chuckles] Every woman wants
a piece of his Kiwi ass.
Please, let me talk to Simone.
-I've gotta go. Simone needs me.
-[Rod] Lisa.
Wait. Hello?
What?
[phone's keyboard taps]
"Wonder down under."
sh*t.
Thanks for coming over. Bye.
[knock on door]
Hang on, Lisa.
What'd you forget this time?
I know I missed
the last PTO meeting,
but you really didn't have to
go out of your way
-to include me like this.
-Save it, Simone.
We're here to fire you
from the PTO
for conduct
unbecoming of a parent.
Really?
And what conduct is that?
-p*rn.
-p*rn.
You tainted
the PTO's reputation.
Well, why don't you tell me
how you know what I'm doing
in the privacy
of my own bedroom?
That filth is available
for the whole world to see.
Actually, it's not.
It's a premium subscription
service.
-FilthyMama13.
-[woman gasps]
That is your screen name,
isn't it?
-No, of course not.
-Funny. [chuckles]
That name on my site
is attached to the same email
that you used
to send out all your wholesome
PTO newsletters.
[all gasping]
Oh, no.
You're all hypocrites.
You're a puritanical PTO posse.
And I know exactly
who here is a subscriber.
So, if you don't
leave right now,
I'm gonna start naming names.
[crickets chirping]
[birds chirping]
-[upbeat rock music plays]
-Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Come on, boys, get at 'em.
Rally time.
I got a family to save.
[Joe] Ooh, Dad,
did you get Izzy's gift?
[Rod] Yes, Joe, I got it
while you were sleeping.
All good.
sh*t.
This is what I get for ignoring
the check engine light.
[car beeps]
[sighs]
[growls]
Oh, and of course...
no f*cking service
in this godforsaken place.
What's going on?
Why did we stop?
We broke down.
Where are we?
Lake Ka-ho.
How the hell
did we end up in California?
[car door slams shut]
We gotta get back
to Chicago, man.
f*cking Simone's gonna leave me
for Crocodile Dundee.
Don't worry.
I'll call roadside.
[Rod] Good luck.
I'm not getting any service.
sh*t. Me either.
What are
the f*cking chances, man?
We break down
in the middle of bumblefuck.
I can't get any cell service.
[Rod exclaims]
Can my luck get any better?
[Wilson] Actually, I'd say
you're pretty darn lucky.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Wilson.
And you're lucky
'cause you done broke down
in front
of the only auto repair shop
in Lake Ka-ho.
That's with a K.
I can fix your car tomorrow.
Thanks, but I need to be
in Chicago in ten hours.
I'll take care of it
'fore the rooster crows.
Chicago is only
five hours from here.
Besides, you can crash
in my Airbnb.
[Rod] Great.
-[rooster crows]
-[Rod yawns]
[uplifting music playing]
[cows moo]
[grunts]
[Wilson] Morning.
Morning.
Is my, uh, car almost fixed?
Nope.
Turns out
your luck's done run out.
[sighs]
What now?
You need a new doohickey.
A doohickey?
[chuckles] What kind of
fake mechanic are you?
The kind who can get you
a doohickey.
Well, see ya.
Whoa, whoa, where you going?
I'm going to get you
a doohickey.
Well, how long
is that gonna take?
Reckon an hour or so.
Wilson, please hurry.
I'm running out of time here.
Ah, f*ck.
[nostalgic music playing]
The hell was I thinking?
That Joe just had to play
in the bigs.
Oh, I'm such an idiot.
Snap out of it.
This self-deprecating
A-Rod sucks.
I know.
I suck.
I'm an overweight,
washed-up jock.
I'm probably gonna have to
move in with you and Brenna
after Simone kicks me out.
Simone's not gonna
throw you out.
You're A-Rod, you're the closer,
you have to fight for her.
You can do this.
Even if Wilson got back
right now,
by the time
he's done fixing the car,
it'll be too late.
[sighs] It's over, man.
It's over.
[Matterhorn barks]
Sorry for that delay, boys.
Ah, Mr. Wilson.
Do you happen to know
if there's an airport
-around here?
-Yeah.
-Small one. Just down the road.
-Ah!
-Do you know a pilot?
-I reckon so.
I flew over 300 missions in Nam.
Excellent.
Rod would like to ask you
something.
[grunts] I-- I would?
Excuse us one second.
[whispers] What?
This is your last chance
to save your marriage, Rod.
Let Wilson fly you home.
You know, I can't fly.
Do it for Simone.
For Simone.
Oh, sh*t, you're right.
I can do this.
Yes, you can do this.
-All right.
-[Alex] Come on, let's talk.
Um, so, uh,
a-- as a veteran, uh--
I thought
you looked like m*llitary.
-Oh, no, no. I meant--
-What squad were you in, son?
-The 82nd.
-Ah, airborne division?
That's the one.
Sure.
So, uh,
if it's not too much trouble
i-if you could maybe
fly me back to my loved ones,
I would greatly appreciate it.
[Alex] Greatly appreciate it.
You got it, son.
-[Alex] Yes!
-Happy ending.
I'll get the missus
to fix the car.
She's a much better mechanic
than I am anyhoo.
-Oh, great.
-Ma?
-That works out.
-Yeah, Pa?
Can I get you to work your magic
on this fella's truck?
Depends,
on whether you want to work
your magic on me later.
Oh, always happy to oblige.
[humming]
[Rod] Uh-- um,
excuse me, I'm sorry.
Um, I-- I don't mean
to interrupt.
Could you maybe postpone
this magic
until a little bit later?
I-- I really got to go.
[Alex]
We're in a bit of a rush here.
-Here you go.
-[Mrs. Wilson] Thank you.
-H-- h-- hop in.
-Okay.
Come on, girl,
you're coming with,
you're my closer.
[uplifting guitar music playing]
Okay, good to go.
All right.
Tell Joe I'll see him at home.
I will.
It's time to get
your girls back.
Yes.
Shuck corn, Matterhorn!
Do it.
Save the day, Matterhorn.
[Ron] Good girl.
Hey.
How are you doing back there?
-Good, considering--
-Considering what?
I've never flown before.
But you told me you were 82nd.
Yeah, because I'm an assh*le,
and I needed to get home,
so I won't be
an assh*le anymore.
Yeah, you're in a pickle then.
No, I'm-- I'm okay, I--
I can see the airport,
so I know we're close.
We-- we can't land there.
Then where are
you going to land?
I'm not. You're jumping.
Jumping? [chuckles]
If you mean jumping for joy
when this thing
gets on the ground, then yep,
I'll be jumping.
No, I mean, jump as in skydive.
This here plane's not cleared
to land there.
Information
that would have been useful
before we took off.
Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause you told me
you were airborne,
figured you could handle
a little 10,000-foot jump.
Now, son.
It's time to open that door.
I'm not opening that door.
You have to.
There's no other way.
I can't.
[Wilson whistles, barks]
What are you doing?
[gasps]
[Rod] Seriously?
[jaunty music playing]
I can't do it. Turn around.
If you're too scared,
then I'll turn around.
I'm not a limp d*ck.
I'm not a limp d*ck.
I'm not a limp d*ck.
Wilson, turn around.
I'll do it. I'll jump.
Really?
I have to.
All righty, then.
We are almost there.
I'm sorry, Matterhorn.
You probably
would've been better off
-at the shelter.
-[Matterhorn whimpers]
Jump, now!
Now?
[Rod] Wilson!
-[parachute rustles]
-[Rod screams]
[Rod chuckles, gasping]
Hold tight, we're gonna be good.
[Rod groans, coughs]
-[uplifting music playing]
-Oh. Oh!
[groans] Oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! We've made it.
How did we survive that?
Oh, Matterhorn.
Okay, this way. Come on.
Come on, sweetie. Come on.
Come on, girl.
We can do it.
-Did you see something or...
-[Matterhorn barks]
I thought I saw something.
-What was that?
-I don't know.
Happy birthday, Izzy.
I'm sorry, I'm a little late.
-Is this really our dog?
-Yeah.
Her name is Matterhorn,
and she needed a good home,
and I couldn't think
of a better place for her
-than with you.
-Thanks, Dad.
And here.
The second gift I promised.
Sorry, it's a little banged up.
-It was a rough landing.
-A glove?
Yeah, I figured maybe
we could play catch together.
You know, if you want to.
No pressure.
-Thank you so much, Daddy.
-I love you, honey.
-Can I take her for a walk?
-Sure. Yeah.
[Isabel] Come on.
Uh, rough landing?
You're telling me
that you flew here.
Uh, technically I didn't fly,
uh, Wilson did, I just jumped.
[chuckles]
And now you're telling me
that you jumped out
of a plane?
I had to, Simone.
The car was broken down,
and there was just no way
I was gonna get here in time.
And I didn't want to
let you two down.
A dog?
But, you said no dogs.
That was
when I was a selfish assh*le.
And I promise I'm not gonna be
selfish anymore.
This whole time, I've--
I've been chasing a dream.
But the reality was,
I was living my dream all along,
and I was just too stupid
to see it.
So, please just...
forget that kangaroo guy.
Give me another chance.
I was never interested
in that kangaroo guy.
He's a phony d*ck.
At least
you're a real assh*le.
Oh, you like the suit?
Yeah, I like the suit.
[Rod] Ever since I got
my head out of my ass,
Simone and I
have been hitting home runs.
Even though
she didn't win Lobster t*nk,
her business took off,
and now I spend my days
selling something
I love even more than baseball:
Simone's Sauces.
Alex and Brenna got married
and nine months later,
they had baby Dana.
Between Brenna's
booming fashion business,
and Alex's company
going public,
they're doing all right
for themselves.
Things are going great
for Tyler, too.
Now that he has a little
sister,
he's not a player anymore.
Well, not that kind of player.
After TU, he got drafted,
and just recently
he debuted in the bigs.
Joe's happy
doing what he loves the most,
running a kick-ass sushi shop
in Chicago.
And Izzy, well,
she made my dream
of having a kid pitch D1 ball
come true.
She's the closer for MU.
Shuck corn, Matterhorn!
As for Hurley,
turns out he was
more of a creeper than we knew.
He'll be coaching
the prison softball team
for the next five to ten.
[imitates sad trumpet melody]
[audience cheering]
["Cowboy Boots"
by Mind Exchange Music playing]
Took a look inside,
I saw your yesterdays
How they [indistinct lyrics]
and turned the other way
As if you had given
all the words you had to say
But I know
Yes, I know
I know
Yes, I know
Looking for somewhere
that you can run and hide
'Cause every newfound friend
just wants you for the ride
And you thought love would be
cast off to the side
But I know
Yes, I know
I know
Yes I know
When the faith's run down
And your time's run out
And you find it hard
just to get back up
When the world's too loud
and the songs too slow
And not a soul around you
seems to know
And you try to take it
day by day
But truth be told
it's too far away
I offer
this one thing I got
My love for you
When the world
grows dark here
Your face is flattered
with the dark side of the road
But don't come close
to what's been stripped down
From your soul
And then it senses
nothing more
Than just the world,
I know
Yes, I know
I know
Yes, I know
When the faith's run down
And your time's run out
And you find it hard
just to get back up
When the world's too loud
and the songs too slow
And not a soul around you
seems to know
And you try to take it
day by day
But truth be told
it's too far away
I offer
this one thing I got
My love for you
When the world
grows dark here
You're OUT! (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3
Watch on Amazon Collectables Merchandise
Baseball, Football, Lacrosse, Basketball, Hockey and more sports Movie Collection.
Baseball, Football, Lacrosse, Basketball, Hockey and more sports Movie Collection.