03x07 - The Modfather

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Picnic basket.

Right here.

Beach blankets.

Coming up.

Rubber duck.

Check.

Now, let's see. The pails,
shovels and tubes are onboard.

And I have the bathing suits.

Have I forgotten anything?

Just a business license. We
could open a cabana shop.

All right, let's go everybody.

All aboard!

It's like moving out
with the Third Battalion.

I'll get it.

Oh, come on, Mom! Let it ring.

Only a minute.

Everybody on the bus.

Everybody off the bus.

Look, I'm sorry, but we
can't go to the beach today.

Why not?

That was Grandpa on the phone. He
and Grandma will be here in minutes.

Listen, I'm as disappointed
as you are, but what could I do?

Tell them to meet
us at the beach.

Honey, I couldn't do that.

He said they have something
very important to discuss with us.

Are they fighting again?

Grandpa said it was important.

Said it was something
about their relationship.

They're fighting again.

Great. We get to
play United Nations.

Why all the long faces?

You kids look like you
just lost your best friend.

Don't worry about that, Mother.
We were on our way to the beach...

It's a good thing we've
come, Amanda. They need us.

Well, it's nice to be
here. And I feel wonderful.

So do I.

When are you
gonna start fighting?

We're not going to fight, Chris.

Your grandmother and I
have rediscovered ourselves.

Shirley, we've spent a
week in an encounter group.

And that's why we're here, to share the
joy of honest expression with all of you.

You put that
beautifully, Amanda.

Thank you, dear.

Encounter group?

Well, at least we're not
the United Nations anymore.

No. Now we're an
underdeveloped country.

How come you get more than me?

'Cause I'm bigger.

That's not fair.

Children, please.

Chris, if you want
something more...

Just a second, Shirley.

That's just what Grandma
and I were talking about.

Now, Chris, what do you
really want from Danny?

His love? To be like him?
What do you really want?

The bone from the steak.

Is that all, really?

Yup. He got the bone last time.

Would you like to put
that into words, Keith?

Hmm? You went...
That means something.

I sang too much today.

My throat's a little dry.

Congested.

Maybe his voice is changing.

Laugh, Shirley. Don't
stifle it. Bring it out.

Mother, this is
really getting silly.

I mean, all Keith did
was clear his throat.

Okay, okay. All Keith
did was clear his throat.

Right.

But subconsciously, he was
doing something else altogether.

There's a lot of
work to be done here.

We didn't come
a minute too soon.

Is the committee on
mental health up yet?

I don't think so.

Ah, good.

In that case, I'll just
have a little juice,

clear my throat and get out.

Good morning,
Mother. Morning, Keith.

Morning. Morning.

Did you sleep well?

Oh, like a baby.

But I can't remember my dreams.

Mmm. You must be
repressing something.

Shirley, I must talk to you about
the children and their hostility.

A little while ago, I asked
Laurie if she minded waiting

for the bathroom
while I showered.

You know what she said? What?

She said she didn't mind.

What's wrong with that?

Her arms were
folded in front of her.

Mother, I'm not quite
sure I follow you.

It's called body language. Words
can lie, but the body doesn't.

Oh, I see. So Laurie had her arms
folded in front of her for a reason?

Right. It was a clear
demonstration of her anger.

I'm glad you can see that.

Oh, I agree, it was
body language, all right,

but it wasn't anger.

Then what, may I ask, was it?

Laurie has no
buttons on her robe.

Mommy, Mommy, come quick!
Grandpa's b*ating up Charlie!

Take that, and that, and that!

Dad? And that...
Huh? Oh, hi, everybody.

What are you doing?

Why, I'm taking
out my hostilities.

I'm pretending this is Grandma.

Isn't that wonderful?

Walter, I'm aware of
some hostility in this room.

I feel it too, Amanda.

Maybe there's a
window open somewhere.

More joking again.
That hidden hostility.

You know, I have an idea that all of
you should be in an encounter group.

Well, maybe someday.

Now, come on, let's
all gather around.

Oh?

Tracy, you sit over there.

You mean now?

Well, there's no
time like the present.

And Keith... All right...

Shouldn't we have a
professional or something?

I mean, this could
get out of hand.

Oh, now, Shirley, we don't
need a professional to be honest.

Mother, I...

And you're resisting. That
might be something to investigate.

Now, the first thing we're going to do
is to bring everything out into the open.

If there are any feelings about each
other that have not been expressed,

now is the time to do it.

Now who's gonna be first?

Well, isn't anybody
going to say anything?

Danny, isn't there
something about

one of your brothers and
sisters that bugs you a little?

No.

No? Keith?

No. No, I'm fine.

Well, how about you, Tracy?
Anything make you mad?

Yeah.

Good, Tracy. What is it?

Well, Grandpa gets me mad
when he beats up on my Charlie.

You see that? I understand,
Tracy, and I respect it.

I'll buy my own Charlie
or b*at up on Grandma.

Good.

You see how brave Tracy was?

She was honest and
look how good she feels.

As a matter of fact, there
is something I don't like.

What's that, Danny?

Liver.

Ah, hidden hostility again.

Actually, there is something
that makes me mad.

When Laurie takes too
long in the bathroom.

I take too long?

You're the one who reads
whole novels in there.

I do not. I read Keith's
girlie magazines.

You've been going through
my desk again, haven't you?

Okay, that does it.

I want a lock on my door. I deserve
a little privacy around this house.

Oh, look who's
talking about privacy.

The one who always listens
in on my phone conversations.

All right, I think...

I couldn't care less about your dumb
phone conversations with Harvey Klemptner.

Oh, see? There. He does listen.

You just better cut
that out, Keith Partridge.

Okay. I'll cut it out.

Just as soon as you stop
imitating Mary Lou's voice.

Why, I don't know

what you're talking
about, honey child.

I don't understand
such big words.

Very clever.

Hey, I get mad when you use my
pick-up sticks to clean your fingernails.

They're my pick-up sticks.

You gave them to me.

You stole them...
Isn't truth beautiful?

There you are.

We're touching.

I see.

Mother, I want to talk to you.

Did the children come
home from school yet?

I haven't seen them.

Oh, they were so
beautiful last night.

Yes. So open and honest.

I'd like to practice a
little honesty myself.

Good. You have no idea how
wonderful it'll make you feel.

Look, I'm very glad that you two
have found a satisfying way to live.

Well, I think that's just fine.

Oh, you're doing beautifully, Shirley.
So, see how easy it is to relate?

But we have our own way.

I'm sure there's always
room for improvement, but...

Well, I think right
now we're just fine.

Shirley, are you... Are you
trying to tell us to stop interfering?

In a word, yes.

Oh, that's all right, honey. We
were leaving this afternoon, anyway.

Oh? Yes.

We've done all we can.

We've given you the essence
of honesty and openness

and now we have an
obligation to ourselves.

Besides, we're anxious to
go home and start our new life.

Well, okay. I guess
you know best.

We missionaries have
to move on, you know.

Does this mean we can go back to
our cheating, dishonest, happy old life?

Mother. I know it's
late, and I'm sorry.

What's wrong? Where's Dad?

I've left him.

But I thought everything was
so wonderful. All that honesty.

Yeah, it got too honest.

You know, Shirley, there's
honest and then there's honest.

Grandpa was honest!

What happened?

Oh, he told me I'd lost my zip.

And then we honestly admitted
that the marriage had lost its zip

and here I am, zipless.

But I said it for your own good!
- Ah!

If you have no zip, it's up
to me to tell you about it!

What about your jump?

What about my jump?

It ran away with my zip!

What's all the
shouting in the garage?

Grandma and Grandpa.

Grandpa's here, too?

He arrived at : a.m., and
the fighting started at :.

It's :.

I have a feeling they'll
take a break for breakfast.

I dreamt I heard Grandma and
Grandpa screaming at each other.

It was no dream.

Well, I guess everything's
back to normal.

Well, I'm gonna let the air
out of my Charlie just in case.

Your grandmother and I have
a little announcement to make.

We have decided that since all the
excitement has gone out of our marriage,

we're going to get a divorce.

And after the divorce,
we're going to live together.

In sin?

I told you that would shock them.
They're not ready for the new morality.

Shirley, this will put the zip
back into our relationship.

But I don't understand
what difference it will make.

Well, we won't be bound by a
contract, just by our own honest feelings.

Yeah. And we'll come
and go as we please.

Does that mean you'll
be dating other people?

If we care to.

I sense your disapproval.

Well, I'm just a
little surprised.

I had a feeling that this problem
might come up sometime,

but I thought it would be
my children, not my parents.

Listen, since a divorce
is a formality anyway,

why don't you just pretend
you're already divorced?

Oh, that's a good idea. You see,
that way, you'd save money and time

and still accomplish
the same thing.

Right.

Say, that is a good idea.

And it might mean that we
could get started right away.

Let's drink to our
new relationship.

Somewhere in the world, there
are two very unhappy lawyers.

Shirley. Shirley,
I've got to talk to you.

Hi, Reuben.

Hi. I don't know
exactly how to say this.

Maybe... Maybe you
ought to sit down or...

In the flowers?

Just say it, Reuben.

All right.

Your father called and asked
me to get him a date for tonight.

Now, he was serious.

I know.

That's their new arrangement. They're gonna
live together in total truth and honesty.

Sounds like Radio Free Europe.

What, are they
getting a divorce?

A make-believe divorce.

A make-believe divorce?

Good. I'll get him a
make-believe date.

He can close his eyes
and pretend he's going out.

Reuben, wait. Do it.

Take him to a
party or something.

Come on.

No, I mean it. I have a
feeling if he goes out with you,

it'll drive him right
back to my mother.

Shirley, the women I know
are not exactly lady wrestlers.

Now, you may never
see your father again.

The fantasy is always better than the
reality and I'm sure he'll find that out.

Oh, please do it, Reuben.

I'm going to your opening at the
Boat House tonight, and I've got a date.

Good. You can
double with my father.

Swell.

Reuben is fixing up Grandpa?

Don't laugh.

That may be just what it takes to
send Grandpa running right back to...

Mother!

You look lovely.
Where are you going?

Oh, I have a date
tonight with an old friend.

A very distinguished gentleman.

We're going out for a quiet little
dinner and then on to the Boat House

to hear my favorite
singing group. Ciao.

Bye, Mother.

Aren't you gonna tell her?

Why spoil a quiet little dinner?

Are they having a good time?

I'm afraid so.

So far, it's a standoff.

And so when we got there, it
turned out to be a marathon dance.

I love stories about the
Depression. It's so... So depressing.

Tell us another story
about the olden days.

Well, it wasn't all
that long ago, Daisy.

But I wasn't even born then.

My mother wasn't even born then.

And then I bought United
By-products and it skyrocketed,

and that's the deal that
got me into Who's Who.

I bought some stock once...

Then came the Alaskan oil wells.

You ever been to
Alaska? Well, one time I...

The great outdoors. I love
it. That's how I stay so young.

You ought to try it. Who
knows, it might not be too late.

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Partridge Family.

♪ Something new got old

♪ Something warm grew cold

♪ Something
right for, oh, so long

♪ Turned out so wrong

♪ You don't have to say goodbye

♪ I can read between the lines

♪ Little things you say and do

♪ Let me know I'm losing you

♪ And when friends
all ask about you

♪ Just like friends
will sometimes do

♪ They wonder
why you've gone away

♪ The only thing
I know to say is

♪ Something new got old

♪ Something warm grew cold

♪ Something
right for, oh, so long

♪ Turned out so wrong

♪ Girl, I've had
my share of takers

♪ Go-between and
promise-breakers

♪ I always landed

♪ Always came up empty-handed

♪ Oh, but when it came to you

♪ To me, your
kind of love was new

♪ Happiness and always giving

♪ Something new
to keep me living

♪ Something new got old

♪ Never thought
you'd let me down

♪ Something warm grew cold

♪ Always said you'd be around ♪

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I was
telling you about my political ambitions.

Now, I'm convinced that the
most important thing is image,

and I certainly have
the image it takes.

Now, just the other day...

Would you excuse me? I'd
like to go and see my daughter.

Oh, please, go
on with your story.

Did you ever meet
Teddy Roosevelt?

I think he's just a fascinating
historical character.

Would you ladies excuse me,
please? Reuben will entertain you.

Don't look at me, girls. I
only go as far back as Truman.

Who?

You mean they've been
up there all day talking?

They came out twice to gargle.

They're bound to
resolve something by now.

Oh, yeah? Well, look
at the Paris Peace Talks.

If you're waiting for a
resolution, there isn't any.

Our problems are insurmountable.

But you must have come to
some sort of an agreement by now.

We did decide we do
want to be together.

That's good.

But not the way we are now.

That's bad.

Wait a minute. Let
me get this straight.

You do want to live together?

But you don't want to live
together the way you have been.

Right on.

I think this is
where we came in.

Precisely. We're right
back where we started.

Not quite.

But I think I know a
way of getting you there.

We're gathered here today to bring together
in holy matrimony Amanda and Walter

to renew their marriage
bonds, start afresh,

to speak once again those
words spoken many years ago.

Walter, will you
repeat after me?

I, Walter, take thee, Amanda,
as my lawfully wedded wife.

I, Walter, take thee, Amanda,
as my lawfully wedded wife.

To love, honor and
cherish, now and forever.

To love, honor and
cherish, now and forever.

Now, Amanda.

I, Amanda, take thee, Walter,
as my lawfully wedded husband.

I, Amanda, take thee, Walter,
as my lawfully wedded husband.

To love, honor and
cherish, now and forever.

To love, honor and
cherish, now and forever.

The ring, please.

Hmm?

The ring.

Now, by the powers vested in
me by the State of California,

I pronounce you man and wife.

Walter, you may kiss the bride.

Oh.

Congratulations, Walter.

May I wish you two as many long and
happy moments together in the future

as you've had in the past.

That gives them
about minutes.

You know, you two
have renewed my faith.

Glad to see the institution of
marriage isn't dead after all.

No. It just needs a little kick
in the pants once in a while.

Right, Amanda?

The institution's all right. It's just the
occupants that sometimes need the kick.

Get ready now.

What's she gonna do?

The one who catches the
bouquet is the next to be married.

You two ever
considered a religious life?