10x09 - Phony Express

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[g*nshots]

[g*nsh*t]

Oh! Uh!

Ahh.

[g*nsh*t]

[GASPS]

That's Red Morgan and his g*ng.

They robbed the express office.

Did they get the mine payroll?

No, I've got that in my bag.
But they'll be after it next.

We've gotta find somebody to
run these hoodlums out of town.

There must be someone that--

I got it. Look.

I'm gonna print this picture
in the paper

and say that they're
three famous marshals

coming to clean up the town.

Might work. It would give me
time to get rid of the payroll.

That's right. Uh-huh.

Ohh!

Ugh!

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

Mm!

Well, that's that.

MAN: Ahh! STOOGES: Yah!

MAN: Here you are, gentlemen,

Abdul's Cactus Remedy.

Cures every ailment
known to man or beast.

Only $.

Hey, Moe, buy me a bottle.
I can't sleep.

What do you mean?
You sleep hours every night.

Yeah, but I'm wide awake
all day.

Oh, I--

Ooh! Ooh!

Wait a minute.

Woof! Now.

Aah!

Yes, folks, this
world-famous remedy-- Huh?

Hey, I--
I've got to send a wire.

Will you boys watch my show?
Whatever you take in is yours.

Boy, we're in business.

Ooh!

Why, you...

[BOTTLES SHATTER]

You lunkheads.
You broke all the bottles.

Make some more
while I do some spieling.

I think you
spieled enough already.

I'll spiel you. Get going.

[CURLY GROANS]

MOE: All right, folks.

Here you are,
Abdul's Cactus Remedy.

Good for hay fever,
spotted fever, and buck fever.

What a bargain for a buck.
Ha-ha-ha!

A cure for colic and rickets.

Brightens the teeth,
shines your old silverware,

and a definite cure
for dandruff and lumbago.

I'll take a bottle.

Go away, son.
You bother me. Nyuh!

Sorry, friend. I don't think
it would do you any good.

You said it would cure lumbago,
and I got it.

Well, if you're gonna stand
on a technicality,

I'll see my colleagues
in the clinic.

Do you know anything
about mixing medicine, doctor?

Why, certainly, professor.
All you gotta do

is mix a little of this
and a little of that.

Say, we got plenty of this.

Then I'll try that.

How about this?

Yes, I'll try that.

Pretty, pretty.

Hm.

Here.

Hm. Why don't you
make up your mind?

You better put this in.

My favorite color. Hah.

A-heh.

Nyuck, nyuck.

Here's another one.

Hm. Nyuh!

Oh, boy. That's hot stuff.

That's what he needs
for his lumbago.

Here, bottle it.

Hm!

[BARKS]

As I said, you can't afford
to be without it.

Hey! How about my bottle?
And if it don't cure me:

I was afraid of that.

Lumbago.

CURLY: Lumbago!

Oh!

[CURLY WHIMPERING]

There you are, sir. No charge.
That will pick you right up.

And lay you right down too.

Ohh! Ooh!

[GROWLS]

[WHISTLING IN STOMACH]

[WHISTLING IN STOMACH]

[expl*si*n]

I've been poisoned!

Step on the gas.

[ENGINE STARTS] Giddyap!

Hey, you! Come back!

[expl*si*n]

[PIANO PLAYING "DIXIE" NEARBY]

MAN:
Wait till Red hears about this.

I wonder when they get here.

Say, partner,
can you tell me where I--

Hey, Red, get a load of this.

Wild Bill Hiccup.

Why don't you change
that face of yours?

You scare people.

Hey, "porter wanted."

Looks like you guys
are going to work.

Make yourself presentable.

Ugh! Why, you...

Woo!

Ooh!

We better call off
sticking up that bank.

We'll knock that bank over
before they get here.

But they're here already. Look.

Come on.

Who's the boss around here?
Uh, why?

We're here to clean up
the joint.

Oh, now, now. T-take it easy,
boys. Uh, h-have a drink on me.

Oh, sure. Certainly.

[♪]

Yup. Here's how.

And how.

Hey. You're supposed
to drink that, not rub it in.

Nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Hello, tall, dark, and handsome.

Nyuh-uh-uh-uh.

What do you say, hiccup?

Shall we trip
the light fantastic?

I'd rather dance.

Whoo, whoo.

You dance like you got
your legs on backwards.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, fancy, hey?
Get a load of this.

[HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

Nyuh.

I'm cuttin' in, stranger.
Stand aside.

This is my dance.

Oh.

You know, you dance divinely.

Oh, thanks.

Get away!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck. Ooh!

[MOANS]

Psst!

Pardon me.

A little tired.

Red, get a load of that.

I thought
those guys were phonies.

I'll stop his hiccup.

Oh!

You're gettin' in my hair!

[BARKS]

Ah.

Ah.

Now, let's see
how good a shot you are.

Oh!

Not with that. With a g*n!

Ah!

Sorry, I didn't know
it was loaded. Ha, ha.

Psst. Psst.

Here. The bottles on the bar.

[COCKS]

Did I do that?

Certainly. Now take
the next three in rapid-fire.

Nyuck, nyuck.

[g*nshots]

I'll take the next one
the hard way.

[CLICKS]

Huh. He scared it to death.

Uh. You-- Uh-uh-uh-uh!

[CLANGING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Remember, you men, you've been
deputized to guard my bank.

Protect it with your lives,
or else!

ALL: Right.

All right. Try the door.

Why, you...

You can't come in here.

Why not?

Well, can't you read?
"Open to ."

Oh, we're sorry.
We'll be back in the morning.

Hep! Hep!

Hey! Hey!

Left face. Hey!

Hey! Oh!

You cabbagehead.
I said "left face!"

Oh. Yeah.

Oh!

Wait a minute, you.
Give me that g*n.

There.
Now, what did I say before?

Right face. All right,

this time make it left face.

Oh!

Come here.

Right face!

How did that feel?

What?

That! Ow! Ooh.

[expl*si*n]

What was that?

The bank. Come on! Oh.

Hey, look, termites.
And big ones too.

Come on. We gotta get in!

We're locked out.

We'll have to use force, men.

Heave. Ho. Oh!

Help! Help! Robbers!

[CHATTER]

MAN: Stand back, fellas.

Let's see what we got here.
Stand back.

There you are, folks.
We got the robber.

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
BOTH: Ahh.

[CURLY HOWLING]

Mush!

If we don't get that payroll
back, they're gonna lynch us.

Get 'em, boy. Pick up the trail.

[HOWLING]

[PANTING]

Open.

Mush.

Go get 'em, boy.
Pick up the trail.

[HOWLING] Mush. Mush. Mush.

Oh!

Right in the mush.
I'll m*rder him.

Ha, ha-- Oh!

Go get 'em, boy.

Mush. Mush. Mush.

Mush! That's it.

Right in the mush! Give me that!

Okay, strongheart.

[SNIFFING]

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Get on the trail.

[BARKS, SNARLS]

[YELLING]

[YELPING]

[CURLY HOWLING]

[GROWLS]

[HOWLING]

He's on the trail of the skunk.

[BARKING]

[SCREECHING]

He's got the scent.

Hey, take it easy!

[BARKING]

Must be their hideout. Get 'em!

[BARKING, SNARLING]

By golly, they got him.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Get up. Get up.

Why, you skunk.

Hey. Hey, fellas, look:
the cabin.

Let's go.

There's nobody home.

Let's look around.

Search the joint. Spread out.

Ooh.

Pepperminties.

[CRUNCHING]

[GULPS]

Mm.

[CRUNCHING]

Hey.

Oh.

Hm.

Hey, fellas, look: the money.

Oh. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my, oh, my.

[AS PROSPECTOR]
There's gold in them thar hills.

There's gold
in them thar floors too.

Yes, sir.

MAN: You said it.

It's the guys.
They're comin' back.

Quick. Hide the dough.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Here. The stove.

Ooh.

[CLINKING]

Hurry up. Let's go.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[MUTTERS]

Oh!

[WHIMPERS]

Hey, Moe, they got me.

[WHIMPERING]

Turn around here.

Easy, now,
I'll have you out in a second.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

[CRIES OUT]

There we are.

I got it, the traps.

You mean I got it, the traps.

Set the rest of 'em.

Shut your trap.

Go on. Here.

Okay.

Get out of here.

Follow me.

You guys lay those traps
down the path.

Hurry up.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Hey. We've been robbed.
Find the--

Hey.

[MAKING WEIRD NOISES]

[TRAPS SNAPPING SHUT]

Ow, my foot!

Ow!

ALL: Ow, ow, ow!

Hurry up, kid.
Go back and get the dough.

[ALL CRYING OUT] Help! Help!

Mm.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MAN: Hey. Open up. It's Red.

Somebody must be in there.

Come on, let's break it down.

Somebody got the dough.

Yeah, we've been double-crossed.

Take a look around.

[WHIMPERS]

Maybe they hid it in the stove.
Come on.

[b*ll*ts EXPLODING]

[BOTH CRYING OUT]

Ow! Ow.

Ow. Ow.

I'm gonna get out of here.

[♪]