04x02 - None But the Onely

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Where's Laurie?

She hasn't come
in from school yet.

Terrific. She always
beats me home

except when I
have to talk to her.

Hi, kids. How's everything?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Have you seen
Laurie? Not exactly.

Her picture's in the paper.

Today's the first day of
her newspaper column.

Her own weekly column.

Just think of the
publicity potential.

Why does she look like a n*gro?

You smeared the ink, dummy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, Ricky. Hi.

Hi, honey. Congratulations.

First column appeared in print.

Oh, really? I'd forgotten
it was coming out today.

You forgot?

When did you start
the paper route?

Okay, so I picked up a few
copies for my scrapbook.

A few copies?

If you got this many
copies of "Life,"

they'd still be in business.

Stop teasing her.
Not every teenager

gets a column in the town paper.

You should be proud.

Laurie, I'm proud of you.
Did you talk to Dina Firmley?

What's your column about?

Well, kids write me questions
about various things, you know,

politics, ecology, and
I try and answer them.

Do they write you about sex?

Uh, speaking of sex, Did
you talk to Dina Firmley?

I think you should
talk to her yourself.

I tried. She won't have
anything to do with me.

Who is this Dina Firmley?

She's a new girl in school.

Why won't she have
anything to do with you?

She's heard about
his reputation with girls.

What's wrong with my reputation?

Keith, your fingerprints
are on file with the PTA.

Those are vicious rumors.

You know, I'd like to find
out who's telling her all...

You? I only told the truth.

You've turned on me? My
own sister, flesh of my flesh,

blood of my blood?

That's right, Keith.

I've been spreading
malicious truths about you.

You could have talked
her into going out with me,

but, no, you sh*t me down.

I'm not gonna
forget this, Laurie.

Honey, don't worry about it.

He's mad now,
but he'll get over it.

Oh, I wasn't thinking of Keith.

It's my picture.

I look like Al Jolson.

"I'm , male, and new in town.

"I'm an orphan with
no friends or relatives.

"I'm living on a tar-paper
shack on the edge of town.

"Life has lost all
meaning for me.

"What am I going
to do with myself?"

Signed, "Onely."

Onely?

That's "Lonely." My typewriter
sometimes skips the capital "L."

Now, that's the letter you're
going to mail to Laurie?

I don't get it. How is
that going to get even?

All part of my
master plan, Danny.

Not only will I get even,

but Laurie's going to fix
me up with Dina Firmely.

Gosh!

Danny, how would
you describe Laurie?

A bleeding-heart liberal.

Exactly. And what will she do

when she reads this letter from
this poor, sad, lonesome guy?

Cry her bleeding,
liberal heart out.

And she'll want to
do something for him.

If she asked my opinion,

I'd tell her, "If Lonely
wouldn't be lonesome,

"if he met a girl
like Dina Firmley."

Only one problem.

Laurie hasn't asked your opinion

for anything in her whole life.

Danny.

With the proper handling,

she'll get my opinion,
and never know it.

Hi. Uh, what you doing?

Oh, I'm picking out
letters for my column.

Meaningless life,
poverty, friendless. Hmm.

Guess it's not a letter
from the optimist club, huh.

It's from a guy named Onely.

He probably meant "lonely."

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

Gosh, the poor guy can't
even afford to fix his "L."

Oh, forget it. It's
probably a crank.

Forget it?

Keith, how could
you be so heartless?

Well, you obviously
know nothing about

human passion and loneliness.

Well, according to the
rumors going around,

I'm an expert on passion.

And, thanks to you, I'm
working on the loneliness.

I'm serious.

This guy has sent me
two letters this week.

He keeps saying how
lonely and destitute he is.

I'm afraid he's going to
do something desperate,

but I don't know
what to do about it.

Well, if the guy's for real,

the solution to his
problem is simple.

I mean, look at his letter.

Loneliness, needs a
friend, no one to care for.

The guy needs a friend.

You know, you're right.

If I could get Lonely
to meet somebody...

I've got the perfect
person, Bruce.

Bruce?

Laurie, a guy who
writes "No one to care for"

isn't looking for a Bruce.

I mean, come on, you
must know some girl

who has something
in common with him.

I've got a great
idea! Dina Firmley.

Why, she's just
gone through all that.

Of course! It's perfect!

Why didn't I think of that?

Yeah, well, she's sympathetic,

understanding, easy to talk to.

I wouldn't know.
She won't talk to me.

She also has taste.

But I can't do it.

What?

Well, I don't know the guy.

What if he turned out
to be a real weirdo?

No. No, I'd have
to meet him first.

Well, you can't.

I mean, what if
this guy is a weirdo?

What kind of a
brother would I be

if I let you meet him?

No, no, no. This is a man's job.

I'll take care of it.

You'd do a favor for me?

Well, laugh if you want,

but if there's a
lonely soul out there

that I could help, and didn't...

I don't think I
could sleep nights.

Well... Well, thank you.

Thank you for the offer.

But you'll never find him.

He didn't leave
a return address.

Well, look, he says he
lives on the edge of town

in a tar-paper shack, right?

How many tar-paper
shacks are there?

And this town's so small,
there's very little edge.

Don't worry. I'll find him.

Keith, I really appreciate you
helping me like this. Thanks.

Laurie, I don't
want your thanks.

If I can get these
two people together,

believe me, you'll never
know how good I'll feel inside.

Oh, did you have any luck?

Well,

I drove for hours,
and I finally found him.

There he was,
outside of his old shack,

planting forget-me-nots.

Even his flowers are lonely.

Poor guy.

Well, what's he like?

Well, he's very shy.

But he's the nicest,
warmest human being

I've ever met in my entire life.

He reminded me of
St. Francis of Assisi.

Well, do you think I should arrange
for him to meet Dina Firmley?

Well, she probably
doesn't deserve it,

but, he certainly does.

I tell you, you'd love
him like a brother.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

I'll answer his
letter right away

so it'll get in my next column.

Could I use your typewriter?
It'd save me a lot of time.

Help yourself. I want to see

these two together
as soon as possible.

Thank you, Keith.

"Dear Onely"?

Dear Onely!

I'll k*ll him.

Keith Partridge!

Where are you, dear brother?

He went to play basketball
with Ralph and Skizzy.

What's wrong?

Remember those letters
I was telling you about.

From Mr. Onely Lonely? Yes.

Well, guess whose
typewriter skips the capital "L."

When I get him, I'm gonna
choke the "L" out of him!

Calm down. Why would
Keith do a thing like that?

I see a pair of
guilty-looking feet.

Who, me? I didn't do anything.

But you know what's going on.

I'm no stool pigeon.

There's nothing you can
do that will make me talk.

Danny.

And that's why Keith is writing
those "Mr. Lonely" letters.

I can't believe
Keith would come up

with a rotten scheme like that.

It's absolutely clever.

Yeah, I hate to stifle
creative thinking,

especially in Keith's case,
because it's the first time.

What are you going to do?

Oh, I'm just gonna put him
on, make him sweat a little.

You're both welcome to join in.

Love to.

Well, it's for his own good.

Every artist has to suffer.

Now, could I cheat
him out of that?

I do think he deserves it,

if you don't go too far.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

Where's the paper? Right here.

Why?

Well, I know your
column came out today,

and I want to read it.

I'm so proud of
you, I can't take it.

Here it is.

Is something wrong?

No.

I thought you were
gonna print that letter

from Mr...

What's his name?

Mr. Lonely.

How did you hear about it?

Your mother told me.

I cried.

Why didn't you print it?

Oh, I couldn't. Not after
what Dr. Javitz told me.

Dr. Javitz?

Yes. The head of the
psychiatric ward at the hospital.

I showed him the
letters to get his opinion.

Well, what did he say?

I really don't want
to talk about it.

Look, I think I have
a right to know.

I mean, after all,
he is talking about...

my friend.

Well, Dr. Javitz just said that

whoever wrote those
letters is definitely

out to lunch.

That's ridiculous.

Dr. Javitz is an expert.

Well, it seems to me he might
be jumping to conclusions.

I mean, after all, This
Mr. Lonely, who knows?

He could have
made all this stuff up

you know, kind of as a put-on.

It doesn't matter.

Dr. Javitz said that even if
those letters were a put-on,

it's still a mental
projection of that person.

In other words,
whoever wrote them,

well, his porch light is out.

Is is?

We're dealing with a neurotic
person with no bright lights.

Sooner or later, he's bound
to let his paranoia slip out.

This can't be happening.

Did you say something?

No.

That's funny. I thought
you said something.

Yeah, so did I.

I said I'm going to my room.

Hi. What you cooking?

Danny's pants.

What's for dessert,
Tracy's blouse?

His pants got
yellow paint on them

and it wouldn't come
out, so I had to dye them.

Laurie. I've been wanting
to talk to you about Keith.

You've been putting him
on for three days now.

Three of the happiest
days of my life.

Guess he has been
kind of miserable.

You know, maybe I
should make it up to him.

Are you going to tell
him the whole thing?

No.

I'm going to get him a
date with Dina Firmley.

Where's Mom? Outside.

Well, you know who
you're looking at?

The king.

I didn't know
dummies had a king.

Dummy, am I?

Laurie's gonna fix up
Mr. Lonely with Dina Firmley.

You're kidding.

Hi, Mom. Great day
to be alive, isn't it?

Well, yes. Sure is a great day.

Mmm. Smells good. What is it?

Danny's pants.

Get your lips off my pants.

I really appreciate
you helping me like this.

It's for a good cause, revenge.

Well, from what you told
me, I guess he deserves it.

Look, I'll let you
go in alone first,

and I'll wait out here
until Keith makes his play,

which should take
about five seconds.

My, he is fast. Mmm-hmm.

And I'll come in,
and if we work it right,

we can make him
squirm half the night.

Hi, Dina. Oh, hi, Keith.

Amazing. Four seconds.

What?

Oh, nothing. Keith, I'm
meeting someone here.

Look, I just want to
talk to you for a minute.

Come on. Sit down.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

Well, actually, the
whole thing's a big joke.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I got to thinking,

we still don't know what
Mr. Lonely is really like,

so just to play it safe,

I'm gonna keep my
eye on her, all night.

You know, sort of a chaperon.

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Well, you know, just
hanging around, having fun.

Some coincidence we should
happen to meet here, huh?

It sure is.

And in only four seconds.

Uh, why are you
sitting with Keith?

Oh, well, Keith wanted
to tell me a funny story.

Well, actually, I wanted
to tell it to Dina alone.

Not one of those
kind of jokes, hmm?

No, well, forget it. It's only
funny when you're alone.

Oh, no, no. Go on. Tell it.

Well, I wanted to tell
you both separately,

but I didn't want to spoil
anything, you know?

But I guess I might
as well tell it like it is.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, Mark, Scotty.

Go on, ask her.

Laurie, I had to ask you
about your newspaper column.

Are you really gonna set up
that Mr. Lonely with some girl?

Well, it's no secret.

It was right there in print.

When are you gonna do it?

Well, actually, that's
kind of confidential.

Hey, Dina, if you
come over to our table,

I'll buy you some French fries.

Oh, I can't, Mark.
I'm meeting a date.

Anyone I know?

No.

Mr. Lonely.

It couldn't be that you're
the date for Mr. Lonely?

You know, she
came in with Laurie.

That's what it is, all right.

Hey, Dina's gonna meet
Mr. Lonely tonight right here.

You know, I'd really
like to see this weirdo.

What does he look like?

I really don't know.

He's supposed to recognize me.

We're gonna see Mr. Lonely.

Now, wait a minute. If
you all crowd around us,

you'll scare him away.

Hey, you won't know we're here.

Well, go on, Keith.
Tell us your joke.

Never mind. It's
not funny anymore.

Forget the punch line?

I'd like to forget
the whole thing.

Well, maybe I've heard it.

It's not the joke
about the brother

who tried to put on his
sister, is it, Mr. Onely?

You knew the whole time?

Ever since you broke your "L".

Oh, just a minute.

You don't mean to say that
Keith wrote those letters?

Mark, you said I wouldn't
know you were here.

Keith is Mr. Lonely!

Okay, laugh it
up, I'm Mr. Lonely,

and I wrote those letters to
Dina so I could take her out.

Now is everybody happy?

I think they're happy.

Hey, look, Keith,
it was just a joke.

I didn't mean for all...
Don't say it. It's not your fault

I humiliated myself in public.

It was my own doing.

That's what I was gonna say.

Keith, it took a lot of nerve

to say that in
front of everyone.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
I embarrassed you.

You didn't.

You know, a guy's
never gone to such

ridiculous lengths
to take me out before.

I think it's a compliment.

You do? You do?

I do.

And since you've
gone to all this trouble,

well, the least I can
do is go out with you.

Well, look, we're doing
a concert tomorrow night.

Would you like to go?

I'd love it.

Meanwhile, I know a nice,

quiet place we can go tonight.

My pleasure.

I don't believe it.

Even when he's
stupid, he's smart.

Something wrong? Yes.

First the joke was on me

and then the joke was on you.

And now I think
it's on me again.

Don't worry about it.

I forgive you.

♪ Funny how you can go on livin'

♪ And lose the
simple knack of givin'

♪ It slips away before
you know it's gone

♪ You build up walls,
and before you know it

♪ Someone moves you,
and you want to show it

♪ But you just can't find a way

♪ Of lettin' on

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ Baby, now, don't you see?

♪ Don't you, don't you see?

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ That's all that's
wrong with me

♪ I want to build you a dream

♪ Paint you a sunrise

♪ Write you a beautiful song

♪ But I don't know how

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ Funny how you
can cut off feelin'

♪ And tell yourself that
your wounds are healin'

♪ When all you've done
Is turn the pain inside

♪ And when you're
sure no one can get to you

♪ Someone smiles and
it goes right through you

♪ And wakes up something
that you thought had d*ed

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ Baby, now, don't you see?

♪ Don't you, don't you see?

♪ I've been alone too long

♪ That's all that's
wrong with me

♪ I've been alone

♪ I want to build you a dream

♪ Paint you a sunrise

♪ Write you a beautiful song

♪ But I don't know how

♪ I've been alone too long ♪

Okay, whose turn is it next?

I thought it was Danny's turn.

He's right. Laurie
just finished a song,

and you went before
her, so I'm next.

But last time, you sang
a medley of songs.

Right, so it's my turn.

I want to sing The
Bicycle Song, okay?

Yeah, but... Play, Danny.

♪ I can ride my bicycle

♪ I can ride my bike

♪ I can go most anywhere

♪ Mmm, I'm outta
sight on my bike

♪ Ridin' to the playground

♪ Or the grocery store for Mom

♪ I'll just ride my bike forever

♪ I'll keep riding on my bike

♪ My good old bike

♪ Gosh, it's outta
sight riding my bike

♪ Now, some kids want a new bike

♪ But my old bike's fine with me

♪ It may not be real shiny

♪ But my bike is
just the greatest to me

♪ Takes me where I want to go

♪ It's very plain to see

♪ Or other bikes
will be all right

♪ They just will
never be ♪ My bike

♪ My good old bike

♪ Gosh, it's outta sight

♪ It's really quite all right

♪ To know it's outta
sight ♪ Riding my bike

♪ Riding, riding, riding my bike

♪ Will you get off my bike? ♪

Very good! Very good! Bravo!

Good, Ricky.

I like it when you baby-sit
for me, Mrs. Partridge.

Really? Yep.

I can come over and
sing my little heart out.

Ricky, you can come over

and sing your little
heart out anytime.

Hi. How was your date with Dina?

I don't want to
discuss it. Good night.

No. Bingo.

Bingo? What is this bingo?

Well, my readers wanted to know

how things turned out
between you and Dina.

This could be my biggest story.

You'd print that kind of
garbage about your own brother?

She dropped you
like a hot potato, huh?

She didn't drop
me like a hot potato.

I just let her think she did.

So, she finally saw through you.

No comment.

Well, why'd she drop you, Keith?

No comment. Was
it your insincerity,

your corny lines? What?

No comment!

What was that all about?

Ricky. Mmm-hmm.

It's time to sing
your little heart out.

No comment, no
comment, no comment.

You know, Mom, Keith
might make a good President.

Oh, boy, I think
we're in trouble.