04x08 - The Diplomat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Where are the Sports, squirt?

You wanna let me get
the Business page? Okay.

I know you want
the Society section.

You betcha. Can I
have the funnies?

Anybody want the news?

I'll take it.

Since when do you read the news?

It's not for me. It's
for Buddy Block.

I'm helping him
housebreak his puppy.

Puppy can have yesterday's
news. It's all the same to him.

I don't believe it. Guess
who's in San Pueblo?

Who?

"The San Pueblo chamber of
commerce is proud to announce

"the arrival of Ambassador
at Large Howard Lipton."

What's he doing in San Pueblo?

Listen to this.

"If Ambassador Lipton was
less interested in women

"and more interested
in diplomacy,

"he could probably save
the world in one week."

Is he a playboy, Mom?

Well I wouldn't exactly
call him a playboy.

That's exactly
what I'd call him.

Now, wait a minute. The man
is a very busy ambassador.

Women are his relaxation. I mean,
everybody has to have a hobby.

Do you know, it takes a warped
mind to think of women as a hobby.

I'd rather collect stamps.

Just because the man is
handsome, intelligent and he's able

to sweep women off their feet,
there's no reason to put him down.

He should be admired.

Yeah, and if men like you had their
own country, Hugh Hefner would be king.

Mrs. Shirley Partridge?

Yes?

My name is Roger Harper. I'm Chief
Attache to Ambassador Howard Lipton.

I'm here at the request
of the Ambassador.

He'd be honored if you would
join him this evening for dinner.

Me?

He would have come himself
but his schedule is very tight.

I see.

May I tell the Ambassador
that your answer is "Yes"?

Well...

I suppose I could.

Fine. He'll pick you up
at : sharp. Good day.

Mom, you can't.

Why can't I?

Well, it's... It's
like selling out.

What do you mean? She
knows what she's doing.

It's a chance of a lifetime.

No offense, Mom, but
why would he ask you out?

I don't know. I only
met him only once.

Aha! You know each other.

We shook hands in a
receiving line at a political rally.

Mom, a guy doesn't ask you out
just because you have a good grip.

I think the reason is obvious. When you're
in Rome, you go out with Sophia Loren.

When you're in San Pueblo, you either
go out with Mom or Mildred Spindle.

Who's Mildred Spindle?

The meter maid.

Well, should we all stop
pretending that we're reading?

What time is it?

It's minutes till .

I can't remember the
last time I was stood up.

Mom, maybe he's
talking to the President.

You can't put the
President on hold, you know.

Well, the President won't mind if I
change into something more comfortable.

It's so silly.

You're all acting as if he were
some kind of a god or something.

I mean, what's the big deal about
Ambassador Lipton? He's just a man.

Good evening. I am Howard
Lipton. Is your mother at home?

Is there something wrong?

No, no, no. I'm just, uh... No.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry I'm late.

Well... It's... I mean, Mom is...
Well, she really isn't, though.

Good evening, Mr. Lipton.
Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I'm Keith. This is
my brother Danny.

How do you do? Hi.

Chris. My sister... Hi.

Tracy. Hello.

And I see you've already met
my silver-tongued sister Laurie.

Mom! Your ambassador's here!

I brought a little
gift for your mother.

Yellow roses.
They're her favorite.

Yes, yes, I know.

Well, I had some of my people
investigate her likes and dislikes.

Oh.

I didn't know the State Department
had a computer dating service.

That's very clever.

There you are.

Mrs. Partridge, I'm terribly sorry
I'm so late, but I was on the phone

with the President, and you just
can't put the President on hold.

I understand.

I brought you a little gift.

And again, I'm really,
really very sorry.

Yellow roses.
They're my favorite.

He knows. You've
been investigated.

Well, actually, they just
read all of the fan magazines.

They are much, much
more thorough than the FBI.

Shall we go?

Have a good time.

Good night. Good night.

Nice meeting you.

Goodbye. Nice meeting you.

See you. It was
nice meeting you.

Well, how are you
ever gonna live it down?

Live what down?

Swept off your feet
by a male chauvinist.

Howard, do you mind
if I ask you a question?

Why did you ask me out?

Oh, I've wanted to
ever since the reception

at that political rally
three years ago.

You remembered
me from a handshake?

Oh, yes.

Shirley, you've
got a terrific grip.

Mr. Ambassador? Mr. Ambassador?

Yes, Roger? Oh.

Shirley, excuse me,
just for a moment, please.

Of course.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. President.
It's the President.

Of the United States?

No, Mexico.

Si.

Si. Si.

Thank you.

Please go ahead with dinner.
I'll just be a minute or two more.

Yes, I'll see to it at once.

Fine. Fine.

Very... Fine. Goodbye. Goodbye.

There, you see,
that didn't take long.

Just a glass of wine and salad.

Usually the President
talks all the way to dessert.

I understand.

Roger.

Yes, sir? No more calls.

Not even the red phone?

Shirley, please excuse me. I
have to take it. It's the red phone.

I see.

Yes, Mr. President?

Mexico again?

No, it's the President.

Yes, sir.

Uh... Why...

Yes, sir. I have
got the time to chat.

When the President
wants to chat,

you chat.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It was a very nice dinner.

The Ambassador told me to be sure
and tell you that he had a wonderful time.

Thank the Ambassador
and tell him goodnight.

I will.

And goodnight, from me, too.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, what's he like?

Well, it's hard to say exactly.

Goodnight. "Goodnight"?
Wait a minute.

Aren't you at least gonna tell us why
you came home with the other guy?

Howard was on the phone.

I think it was the Shah of Iran.

That's all you're gonna tell us?

Did I say "Goodnight"?

Yeah.

Well, I guess that
about covers it.

Come in.

Good day. Good day.

It was until now.

Danny.

There's a cute kid.

"Good day" to us, and "cute kid"
to Danny. Do you feel all right?

I feel great.

Any special reason?

Several. The date you
had last night with Mr. Big?

It's front page stuff.

Rueben.

I'd hardly call The San
Pueblo Tattler the big time.

Yes, but now the wire
services will get a hold of it.

This is gonna
be great publicity.

I'm not sure I like being an
item in The San Pueblo Tattler.

Oh, I'm telling you, Shirley, this could
mean the Carson Show, d*ck Cabot.

Who knows, maybe even
a sh*t on The Dating Game.

Rueben, let's not
get carried away.

Go out with him a few more times.
We could even have our own TV special.

Rueben, this was a one-time
thing. Now, let's forget it.

Good morning, Mrs. Partridge.

Mr. Harper. What
brings you here?

Well, Ambassador Lipton
wishes me to express

again he had a wonderful
time last evening.

And since his stay has
been extended one day,

he would like to take you
to dinner again this evening.

I knew it.

Mr. Harper, tell Howard I
sincerely appreciate his invitation,

but my answer is "No".

No? No?

No.

But I can't take a
"No" back to Mr. Lipton.

Nobody ever says
"No" to Mr. Lipton.

Even Ho Chi Minh said "Maybe".

That is exactly what she means.

She always says "No"
when she means "Maybe"?

Mr. Harper, my
"No's" are genuine.

Raquel, Gina, Bridget,

they all said "Yes".

I get a "No" from
Shirley Partridge.

Shirley, can I ask you
one simple question?

Why? Yeah, that's the question.

Was it because he's
a male chauvinist?

No, he is not a male chauvinist.

He didn't try anything, did he?

He didn't try anything.

What, then?

Rueben, I don't want to
go out with the man again

simply because I
didn't have a good time.

That's it? That's it.

Well, there goes our
invitation to the White House.

Rueben, the man
invited me for dinner,

not us to the White House.

I know. I know. I mean, what
the heck. It's just showbiz.

For every person who
makes it to the White

House, there is a
broken light on Broadway.

I don't know what that
means, but I think Mom's right.

No pictures!

Five minutes with the girl
who broke Lipton's heart.

No interviews.

This is news.

Go picture some
natural disaster.

He's a new one.

Yeah. ABC News in Los Angeles.

Well, you wanted publicity.

I guess I just wasn't
meant to be a happy man.

There's more here
than yesterday.

All from Howard.

I'll bet it's that
newsman again.

Oh.

Two minutes, okay, Kincaid?

No, not okay.

I can't believe it. I didn't think we
were gonna get out of that store

without everyone voting on
whether you're right or wrong.

I know. I think it was awful the
way that Mrs. Schubach did it.

I mean it's ridiculous to
think that refusing Mr. Lipton

has anything to do with
the rise in food prices.

I'm beginning to think
that I should reconsider.

Do you still think
you're right? Yes.

Then don't reconsider.

Well. There you
are, Mrs. Partridge.

Hello, Mrs. Hendleman.

You want my advice?
No, Mrs. Hendleman.

Go out with him. It's best.

Why is it best, Mrs. Hendleman?

Because he's a great man and
you are but a face in the crowd.

Mrs. Partridge, a face in the crowd
should not jilt a man who may someday be

in our children's history books.

Well, that does it.

Does what?

If Mrs. Hendleman think
I'm wrong, I must be right.

Guess what? It's like
living in a gift shop.

I'm gonna plant some of them today.
At least then, we'll be able to get around.

I don't understand what
he's so crazy about Mom for.

Well, what I mean is even
with all your good points,

isn't he going a
little overboard?

No, it's simple psychology.
Mom rejected him.

So now his ego's telling him
that he's got to take her out

if it's the last thing he does.

Shirley?

Oh, hi, Rueben.
Hello, Mr. Harper.

Morning. Morning.

Uh, could we talk to
you a moment, please?

All right.

Laurie, the bacon's done.

Shirley, Roger called me. We
really have to work something out.

Mrs. Partridge, the Ambassador
doesn't know I'm here.

Oh?

This whole thing has
gotten out of hand.

I agree.

Mr. Lipton hasn't been
himself lately. Look at this.

What is it?

Well, that's a mutual trade pact
with France. Look at the bottom.

He's doodled your name.

I suppose I'm flattered.

Well, you may be flattered, Mrs.
Partridge, but we're in trouble.

We can't ask the President to sign
with "Shirley" doodled at the bottom.

Shirley, couldn't
you reconsider?

Mr. Harper, if it's that
important to Mr. Lipton,

why doesn't he come
and talk to me himself?

You mean in person? Yes.

Yeah, well... But he's got people
who do that kind of thing for him.

Then maybe some of those
people would like to go out with him.

What's next?

The gloxinia from Wales.

Oh, Mom, it looks like we
have important company.

Oh, how romantic.
Just you, Mr. Lipton,

and six bodyguards.
See you later.

Shirley.

I see you got my
gloxinia from Wales.

And the Tiki from Tahiti and the
chocolate duck from Germany.

And everything else.

Is there no way to
negotiate a settlement?

You want to negotiate
for a date? I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm always negotiating
with countries. When it comes to people,

it's hard to break the habit.

I'm sure it is.

Do you realize that
you're the only woman

that turned me down since
I became Ambassador?

Do you realize you're the only
man that taken me to dinner

and totally ignored
me since I was eight?

I don't suppose you'd
give me a second chance?

I might.

Under the right conditions.

What do you say to a guy
like Ambassador Lipton?

I thought you
knew all about that.

Yeah, I know how
to greet him, I mean,

but how do you ask a man of
greatness to pass the potatoes?

Oh, how about,
"Pass the potatoes"?

This is a great man.

How about, "Pass the
potatoes, Your Highness"?

Cute.

Look, Howard is coming
here to relax and be himself.

I expect all of you
to do the same.

All right. Try and be normal.

Hello, Howard, come
in. Good evening.

I think you remember
the children.

Oh, yes, yes.
Tracy, Chris... Hi. Hi.

Laurie, Danny and
Keith. How are you? Hi.

Your Highness.

Mr. Cool.

That's not what I meant
to say. Just slipped out.

What I meant to say was,
"How's it going, Howie?"

That's too casual.

No, no. That's why I'm here. To spend a
nice, quiet evening with very nice people.

And Howard,

no phones.

Uh... Right. No phones.

Uh, shouldn't I check in with Harper first?
There might be a small crisis somewhere.

We negotiated this
dinner, remember?

Right. Okay.

Why don't you go into the living room
and relax while I go and cook dinner?

Okay.

Well.

So, tell me. What's
Tricia really like?

Oh, you know, I haven't heard
from my ulcer once this evening?

Maybe it's going
through proper channels.

Oh, Shirley, you know, you're right.
This is the only way to enjoy yourself.

Relax and leave all the
business at the office.

I'm so glad to hear
you say that, Howard.

And from now on, I'm going
to try to live by that rule.

What's that? Oh, I
hope you don't mind.

I put the phone back
on the hook. I'll get it.

Howard? Now, it
might be important.

It's probably
Argentina. Lipton here.

Uh... Well, yes.

Argentina?

No, Skizzy. It's for Tracy.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ You tell me you
are through with him

♪ You'll soon be
free just to be with me

♪ So I'll stay by the phone

♪ I'm waitin'
every night at home

♪ Watching TV shows, and honey

♪ Heaven knows I'm always alone

♪ Though you never call me

♪ I keep on loving you

♪ Hoping that if I do
you're gonna love me too

♪ And I won't
have to wait too long

♪ But how long is too long

♪ Got to know you're
makin' me lose my mind

♪ How long is too long

♪ 'Cause, baby, I've
been waitin' a long, long time

♪ Hung on for so long

♪ Hopin' everything
will turn out okay

♪ Don't tell me ♪
How long is too long

♪ To sit around and
wait till you come my way

♪ I see the way you look at him

♪ When you're in a crowd

♪ I know it makes him proud

♪ While it's breakin' my heart

♪ And all the time you tell me

♪ To keep on lovin' you

♪ And if I do you're
gonna love me too

♪ And I won't
have to wait too long

♪ How long is too long

♪ To sit around and wait
till you come my way ♪

Up a little late,
last night, Mom?

: a.m.

I just happened to be
up feeding my goldfish.

Looks like it could get serious.

We went for a drive
after the concert.

Is that what you'd call serious?

Did you hold hands?

And make lovey-dovey eyes?

And stop at Muldoon's Point?

Okay, let's rehearse.

Do you want to
start it off, Ricky?

Yep.

Okay, here you go.

♪ What kind of noise do you make

♪ What kind of noise do you make

♪ If you just give it a try

♪ You will see that you and I

♪ Well, we've all got
some noise to make

♪ There's no mistake

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Now a frog makes a "ribbit"

♪ And a dog makes a "bark"

♪ I must tell you we're not
quite sure just what they mean

♪ And a sheep makes a "Baa"

♪ When he thinks
someone is there

♪ And what kind
of noise do you make

♪ I sing "Aaa"

♪ And sheep go "Baa"

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ What kind of noise do you make

♪ What kind of noise do you make

♪ If you just give it a try

♪ And you look into the sky

♪ You will see that you and I

♪ Well, we've all got
some noise to make

♪ We've all got
some noise to make

♪ Bum-pa-dum-pa-dum-pa-bum
bum-bum ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

Howard. I thought you
were on your way to Brazil.

I just couldn't leave
without saying goodbye

and thanking you again
for a very, very nice evening.

I hope you'll come
back whenever you can.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Shirley, I've
grown quite fond...

Of San Pueblo. Yes, your mother
and I went sight-seeing last night.

So we've heard.

Saw all the sights.
One I especially liked.

What was the name of that place?

Muldoon's Point?
That's the place.

Did I say something
I shouldn't have?

It's all right. It's all right.