04x09 - Heartbreak Keith

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Look, I like sociology. I just
think it should be more human,

more intimate.

More lips. Who is that?

Dory Kimmel.

She was a late
register last Friday,

while you were at the dentist.

Oh, yeah?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Wait a minute, please.

Before you all get settled down,

I want you to form two
lines in front of my desk.

I want the males, that's
the guys, on this side,

and the females
over here. Come on.

Two lines. Nice and straight.

Now, as you know, this
semester's project is v*olence.

And I thought it might be
interesting to observe this

from the point of
view of both sexes.

So, I want each of you to
step up and pick a number

from the box at
the front of your line,

and those who pick
the same numbers

will be partners on the project.

Now, come on, come on. Pick.

What number did you get? Three.

What did you get?

Four. You didn't get
number three, did you?

No.

But I think Feder
got number three.

Four? Number four?

Where are you, number four?

I think I'll go have a
little chat with Feder.

Hey, Feder, what's happening?

Cost you two tickets for
the Saturday football game.

To find out what's happening?

No. For number
three. Dory Kimmel.

And, uh, Barnett's already
offered me one ticket,

but the bidding's still open.

Now, look, man,
I'm willing to trade,

but if you think I'm
gonna stoop to the level

of buying a sociology partner...

Number four? I know
you're out there, four.

Number four?

The seats are on
the -yard line.

Hey, uh, if you're four. You better
give me a little hot dog money.

Hey. You been following
the prices of hot dogs lately?

Excuse me. You don't by any
chance have number three, do you?

Gee, I hadn't really looked yet.

Why, yes, I do.

Well, I guess we're partners.

Yeah, I guess we are.

"Leeland was a Leeland
that I had never seen before,

"deep purple bruises coloring
his face like Pop Art painting.

"While one soldier held his arms,
the other redesigned his kidneys.

"Leeland cried out for
me, 'Porky! Porky! Porky!'"

This might be a very good point

for our discussion on
moral responsibility.

I see you two are working hard.

Want some more coffee, Dory?

No, thank you, Mrs. Partridge.
I've got to be getting home.

Oh, so soon? Mmm-hmm.

You don't want to leave yet. I mean,
Leeland's about to be saved by Porky.

He'll be saved tomorrow.

Good night, Mrs. Partridge.

Good night. Good night.

How's the project going?

Hmm?

Oh, I said, "Dory's
quite a girl."

Yeah. I've never
met anyone like her.

She's beautiful, intelligent,

and the fact that she's an older
woman doesn't really bother me either.

Well, she's not exactly
ready for a shawl.

Twenty-three isn't young.

She's so much more mature
than the girls I've dated.

It makes me feel mature.

I'm just so relaxed
when I'm around her.

Mom, this may be the one.

Which one?

The one who steals
my bachelorhood.

The one I've been
waiting for all my life.

Keith, don't you think you're
rushing things just a bit?

Mom, I can understand
how you feel.

It's just a syndrome every
mother goes through when they

realize they're no longer
the apple of their son's eye.

Mom, don't you worry.

You're still my apple.

I'm glad to hear that.

But, still, it looks to me like
you and Dory are just friends.

Mom, relationships
aren't like they used to be.

There are no strings attached.

If we walk away, we
walk away. If we don't...

Well then, we don't.

And Dory's told you she
feels the same way about it?

There are certain things that
aren't necessary to put into words.

Like... two trains
on the track of love

are bound to collide.

♪ Now the walls took
a long time to crumble

♪ And the jumbled
pieces of my life

♪ Took the long way
around to come together

♪ And then I heard
you singing your song

♪ And I knew I'd
been living all wrong

♪ And I couldn't
help but sing along

♪ La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la

♪ Never giving, always taking

♪ And faking every move I made

♪ To keep me safe
and well protected

♪ And then I heard
you singing your song

♪ And I knew I'd
been living all wrong

♪ And I couldn't
help but sing along

♪ Sing along ♪
La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la ♪ Sing along

♪ La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la ♪ La-la-la

♪ I was almost down to empty

♪ And the world
looked mighty cold

♪ Then I heard you
sing a simple song

♪ And the sun came
a-rushin' back to fill my soul

♪ La-la-la La-la-la
♪ La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la La-la-la La-la-la

♪ La-la-la ♪ La-la-la-la

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Heard you singing your song

♪ Your song Your
song ♪ Your song ♪

Love it. Absolutely love it.

Thanks, Reuben.

Look, I gotta get going. I promised
Dory I'd meet her at : sharp.

Well, being a few minutes
late never hurt anybody.

Who was it who said, "The
man on time shall get the cake,

"while the boy who
doddles is only late"?

Betty Crocker.

Cute. But what does your
generation know about virtues?

What's with Keith and
his new maturity kick?

I mean, what about rehearsals?

Well, we've got two choices. We
either break up Keith and his girl,

or we break up
Keith and his legs.

Well, I vote legs.

Come on, it's not that bad.

He's thinking about
growing a mustache.

I caught him listening
to a Dean Martin record.

Yeah, and that aftershave
and stuff. He even smells good.

Good? If you ask me, he
smells like the perfume counter

at Barton's Grand Store.

Of course, you didn't ask me.

Well, they all said things!

Uh, if you're not busy,
I can come back later.

How about ?

We're a little sensitive
today, aren't we?

We are not sensitive.

Then we wouldn't mind discussing
the girl who's changing our lives?

Discuss?

Yeah, there's a few
unanswered questions, such as...

Have you taken her
to Muldoon's Point?

It's none of your business.

You have. I have not!

Or the lake?

No.

To a movie?

Have you bought the girl a taco?

Look, you don't just
move in on a girl like Dory.

You mean you haven't had
the guts to ask her for a taco?

Looks to me like the
last of the red-hot lovers

has turned into
"Cool Hand" Luke.

Look, I'm gonna ask her out.

When? On your fifth anniversary?

No, tomorrow.

As a matter of fact, I'm
gonna ask her to a lecture.

A lecture?

That's right, a lecture.

I don't care what other
people say about you,

you're hot stuff.

Dory. Oh, hello, Keith.

Hi, uh... Look, I was
wondering if you...

I came up with a title.

Oh, what is it?

v*olence Is as v*olence Does.

I thought we'd put a picture
of Danny on the cover.

Look, uh, by the way, there's a
lecture tonight on w*r and Peace,

and I was wondering
if... Well, if you'd like to go.

Isn't that funny? I was going
to ask you the same thing.

Really? Yeah.

Well, hey, uh, I'll pick you
up around : , all right?

Oh, that won't be necessary.
I've got my car on campus.

I'll just meet you
over at the lecture.

Perfect. Bye-bye.

See you. Uh-huh.

I think the song will be all
right. Just needs a little work.

Speaking of
needing a little work.

Well, joke if you want, but
you're looking at the king.

And all this time we thought
you were the court jester.

I know it took me a little
time to get around to it,

but I asked Dory out and she
practically b*at me to the punch.

And so continues the moving saga

of Princess Dory and her frog.

Cute, very cute.

I wouldn't exactly call going
to a lecture a sordid love affair.

You're taking her to a lecture?

Face it, Keith. You're slipping.

Danny, someday you'll meet a girl
who can tolerate you in large doses

and you'll begin
to mature, like me.

True love can work miracles.

Oh, he's mature, all right.

And dull.

Nothing like a lecture

to get the old adrenaline
going. Absolutely.

Well, why don't we have a
cup of coffee and discuss it?

Oh, I really can't.

You can't?

No, uh, the market
closes at :

and I've got to be there. And I
have to hurry. I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, Keith.

Hey, Partridge, how's it going?

Just great.

I see you've made the most out
of our trade for the football seats.

Oh, you noticed, huh?

The whole class has.

Yeah, well, I guess it is kind of
hard to hide a relationship like ours.

That's quite a
trick for a freshman.

Hmm?

You fox!

You're the only guy I know that's
involved with a married woman.

What happened? You look
like you lost your best friend.

I don't know how
anybody can be so dumb.

Dory's married.

Married? But...

But you had a date
with her tonight.

Are you sure she's married?

With a capital "M."

When Feder told me, I felt
like crawling underneath a rug.

Wouldn't you know it,
the one time I fall in love.

Have you talked to her about it?

No.

But don't you
think you ought to?

I mean, I can't understand
why she'd mislead you like that.

I can't either.

Maybe she's not
happy with her husband.

Keith,

is it possible you could have been
wrong about Dory's feelings all this time?

Oh, Mom. If there's one thing
I'm experienced in, it's girls.

I wish you were right, but I can
see it in her eyes, in her gestures.

She's in deep.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing left to do.

You'll have to break it
off as quickly as possible.

Don't let it go any further.

I know. It's not
gonna be easy though.

She must be awfully involved
to take a chance like this.

I'm gonna have to
let her down gently.

Dory. Oh, hi, Keith.

Hi, could we talk for a minute?

Oh, but only for a minute. I've
got a history class and I'm late for it.

Yeah, uh...

Look, I did a lot of thinking
about the lecture last night.

So did I, and I think it's gonna
work in beautifully with our project.

Well, I wasn't exactly
talking about the project.

I was thinking more about us.

Dory, I just don't think
it's gonna work out.

Things are going so well, Keith.

I know, but I just... I think we
should call it off while we still can.

You're acting like a little boy.

I am?

Yes, when things get difficult
right in the middle of something

absolutely beautiful,
you're ready to quit.

Yeah, but I... Look,

I don't have time
to discuss it now.

I'll be over tonight as usual, and
we can work it out then. Goodbye.

It's worse than I figured.

Didn't you
straighten things out?

She won't even talk about it.

I tried to let her
down gently, right?

Right. And, bam,

she blasts me right
between the eyes.

She practically
called me a chicken.

Girls have called you a lot of
names, but never "chicken."

She's crazy about me.

She won't even listen to reason.

I knew I should have
stuck with number four.

Number four?

Oh, it's nothing.

What if she ditches
her husband for me?

You don't really
think she'd do that?

Why couldn't I have
been born ugly, like Danny.

Now, wait a minute.

We were just passing by.

It's okay, honey. I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Partridge. Hi.

Keith ready to study?

I just sent him on an errand.
He'll be back in a few minutes.

Oh, I guess I am
a little bit early.

Hi, Dory. Oh, hi.

Why don't you just
sit down and wait?

I was about to give Danny
a letter to mail for me.

Sure.

It'd help if you
put a letter inside.

Come on.

But...

Laurie, would you do me a favor
and run Danny down to the post office?

Post office? But
there's no letter.

You'd better hurry, it
closes in minutes.

Okay.

On your way back, would
you stop at the market

and pick up some, uh, parsley?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I guess that leaves just you
and me. Would you like some coffee?

No, no, thank
you, Mrs. Partridge.

Well, since it's
just the two of us

it might be a good time
for us to have a little talk.

Talk?

Being Keith's mother,
he hasn't always

liked me getting involved
in his problems, but...

Well, sometimes, I feel we
get to a point where I have to,

and I guess we're at that point.

We are?

I'm sure you realize that
marriage is a very serious business

and getting involved with Keith
wouldn't be good for either one of you.

If you are in love with him...

Me? In love with Keith?

You mean you're
not in love with him?

Mrs. Partridge, I am
very much in love,

but with my husband.

Keith and I are friends.
We're just friends.

Why didn't you tell
him you were married?

Well, I just assumed
everyone knew.

Everyone knows in
all my other classes.

I had no idea what was
going on in Keith's mind.

The only involvement
I have with Keith is

with our sociology project.

You mean, this whole thing
was built up in Keith's head.

I'm afraid so, Mrs.
Partridge. But I...

I can see how he misunderstood.

Well, it's not your fault.

But how do we tell him
without hurting his feelings?

If I tell him, he'll
know I talked to you

and he won't be
able to face you.

I can't very well go to him and say,
"Keith, you've made a fool of yourself

"ever since we've met." That
would make him feel worse.

Mom, Dory just called and invited me
over for dinner. What am I gonna do?

Well, mind your manners
and eat all your vegetables.

Mom, you don't understand. She
probably wants me to confront her husband.

Or even worse, she might have
already told her husband about you

and there isn't going
to be any dinner.

Keith, you better call
her back and cancel.

Right. No.

Why not?

Look, this may be the way to
straighten this whole thing out.

Yeah. And if you don't
show, it'll look bad.

Besides, if he wants, he can always
come over here and b*at you up.

Keith, there is a possibility that
they're just asking you over for dinner.

Yeah, but there's a better possibility
he'll grind me into a Swedish meatball.

Yeah? Well, I wouldn't let him take
advantage of your situation like that.

Just a minute,
somebody's at the door.

Hi, I'm Keith Partridge.

So, I finally get to see what you
look like. I'm Glenn, Dory's husband.

Come on in, will you? I
got somebody on the phone.

Look, Herb, if I was you,
I'd push that guy's face in.

You're right!

Ah, sorry about that,
but you know how it is.

Some guys, they really
make you wanna...

I was afraid of that.

Look, Dory went out to the
market to get some cheese,

so it's just you and
me till she gets back.

Terrific. Now,
come on. Sit down.

Okay.

So, how do you like
my wife as a partner?

Huh?

The sociology project.

Oh, well, uh, Dory's
a very hard worker

and I'm a firm
believer in hard work.

As far as studies
are concerned, that is.

I guess you'd call
me a bookworm.

You don't look like a bookworm.

Oh, but I am.

I'm a worm through and through.

Sometimes I even wake up
at dawn to read encyclopedias.

I love to learn.

Well, from what I've heard, it's
more like you've learned to love.

I hear you got quite a
reputation with the girls.

Reputation? Must be
some other Keith Partridge.

No, no. You're the one.

Sir, I admit I have
a reputation, but

a reputation is all it is.

It's just sometimes
not my fault.

What's not your fault?

Well, sometimes the other
person gets involved and...

You wanna get out, even
though you're not really in.

That other person just
doesn't understand that.

So, it's just not
that easy to...

Hey, look. You like sports?

Sports, yeah, I like sports.

Good. Let's talk about
tennis. It's a lot simpler.

Oh, hi, Keith.

How are you two getting along?

I'm not sure.

Hello. Hi.

Well, let's eat.

Great.

There we go. Thank you.

Oh, looks good.

Oh, why, thank you.

Dory's a great cook.

Sit down, Keith.

Thank you.

From the moment I tasted her spaghetti,
I knew we were destined to get married.

No, we were
destined to be married

from the moment I changed the place cards
at that party so I could sit next to you.

Romance is like that, I guess.

Are you gonna
get married, Keith?

Oh, uh... someday,
I suppose, yeah.

Well, I highly recommend it.

I can see that.

The show is over.

Who cares about the show?
We wanna see Keith b*at up.

Nothing is going to
happen to Keith. Off to bed.

You'll understand
when you're my age.

Although I'm my age,
and I don't understand it.

Well, good evening.

So where's your black eye?

You even have your
Howdy Doody grin.

How'd it go, honey?

Smooth as silk.

It did?

You should've
seen the kid at work.

Oh, they had a few problems,

but I got them to talk it out

and showed them that the
key to marriage is giving.

I'm going to sleep.

Me, too.

Yeah, but in the end, I had to
sacrifice myself for what was best.

I felt a little like Bogie
at the end of Casablanca.

Well, good night.

Hot stuff.

Don't you want to hear the rest?

That's the trouble with America.

Nobody appreciates
simple eloquence.

Mom, I was brilliant.

Well, then you did
eat all your vegetables.

♪ I'm not afraid of the dark

♪ And I like to go
for rides in the park

♪ I know I got a big start

♪ 'Cause I've got
a secret in my heart

♪ Since I got real big

♪ I've learned
some important things

♪ It doesn't matter
if you don't know how

♪ You gotta keep pushing
that plow, and that's why

♪ I'm not afraid of the dark

♪ And I like to go
for rides in the park

♪ I know I got a big start

♪ 'Cause I've got
a secret in my heart

♪ I'm not afraid of the dark

♪ And I like to go
for rides in the park

♪ I know I got a big start

♪ 'Cause I've got a
secret in my heart ♪

Well, hi, Reuben.
What brings you here?

I need to talk to your mother.

What is it, Reuben?

Shirley, I have found out
something, and it is a bombshell.

What?

Uh, this girl that Keith's been
seeing, this Dory what's-her-name.

I just found out she's married.

You don't say.

I do say, Shirley, yes, and we
have to do something about this Dory.

Reuben, did I hear
you mention Dory?

Keith, get out
before it's too late.

Reuben, it's already too late.

Oh, no!

Yeah, her husband came
after me with a shotgun.

A shotgun? What happened?

He k*lled me.