04x01 - Noël

[bunniefuu]

Misery on steroids. How many
points are you winning by?

- Not many.
- How many "not many"?

- .
- What?

[WHIRRING]

Grab a drink, will you?
Come and hang out for a bit.

- There's only beers in here.
- Well, have a beer, then.

- You're nearly .
- I'm .

- I know.
- Hiya, Dad.

- [MUFFLED]
- Good day?

Sorry. Ally. Gabby. Gabby, Ally.

- New face. Hello. I'm Darren.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Gabby.
- Great name. Well done.

How's the shyness going, Darren?

- Gabby seemed nice.
- She is nice, yes.

This Gabby thing is just a symptom

of you not fully wanting to be at home.

Well, what's the f*cking point
of us being together, then?

Oh. Merry Christmas.

Hi, Carl. Merry Christmas. [CHUCKLES]

Time. [CHUCKLES] Goes past, doesn't it?

It does. Yeah.

The... wreath fell down.

Oh, right.

Yes.

[WHISPERS] Oh, yeah.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

- [EXHALES]
- [LOCKS DOOR]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Uh, sorry. They only had the sh*t tonic.

That's all right. I can't
tell the difference anyway.

- Me neither, if I'm honest.
- Mm.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Luke's at Jacob's for dinner tonight,

and Ava's staying at Grace's again.

Oh, cool. She seems to
be coping pretty well.

- Ava?
- Hmm.

You don't... honestly think
that she's over it, do you?

No. No, I don't, 'cause I
didn't say that. I said...

I said she's coping better
than we thought she was.

You don't find your granddad
seemingly dead from an overdose

and then what, like, days later,

just bounce along with your
life again like f*cking Tigger?

- So, you think we should wait?
- Yeah, I think...

If we're gonna split up,
like properly split up,

then it would be too
much for Ava right now.

So, let's just get through

the next couple of months
and see where we are.

- So, wait till new year?
- Yeah, may... maybe.

I... I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe we
shouldn't split up at all, Paul.

f*ck it. I really don't know.
This is down to you, not me.

- Well, it's all down to me?
- Yeah.

'Cause I had lunch with someone?

f*ck off. I'm not gonna get
into this sh*t again. Not...

[CONVERSATIONS FADE DOWN]

[CONVERSATIONS RESUME INDISTINCTLY]

I... I suppose I could
look for a room now.

Uh, might take a while
to find something.

A room.

Well, obviously, I can't
afford a flat, can I?

Christ, even a box room
in a shared house near us

is gonna cost a f*cking fortune.

Oh. Well, look, uh... it...

it doesn't necessarily have
to be you who moves out.

Doesn't it? I think it does.

[CHUCKLES]

- Who's cooking tonight?
- Well, if the kids are out,

then I'll... I'll probably
have soup or something.

Great. So, I was going
to use up those sausages.

- Yeah, fair enough. Brilliant.
- Cool.

[ORCHESTRAL HOLIDAY SONG
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

Oh, I love this one.

Puts you right in the
Christmas mood, don't it?

It certainly does.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Could you turn it down?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Great.

- I'm just gonna...
- Yep.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas.

You know my position.

I do, but I refuse to let you
spend Christmas on your own.

- I really don't mind.
- Well, I do,

and anyway, even Scrooge
ended up enjoying Christmas.

Only because he was relentlessly bullied

by three ghosts with a socialist agenda.

- Anyway, I'm here, aren't I?
- Yay.

Happy Christmas. Ho-ho-ho
and all that cock and balls.

- Oh. Happy Christmas, Leah.
- Happy Christmas.

Don't worry. He hasn't
brought any mistletoe.

- Here you go, Mum.
- Thank you.

You don't like Christmas, do you, Leah?

I remember us all being at
the kids' carol service once.

You were watching Homes
Under the Hammer on your iPad.

I reluctantly go along with it, Jim,

like those Jersey residents
who were essentially good people

but collaborated with the Nazis.

Where are your lovely children, Ally?

Still asleep.

Oh, it's funny how
they change, isn't it?

When they're tiny, they're awake

at the cr*ck of dawn on Christmas Day.

Paul used to be awake at
in the morning some years.

- Did he? I never knew.
- No, you never.

- I'll get some snacks going.
- Mm.

When we're next in the
car, you can show us how...

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

- Happy Christmas, mate.
- Yeah. Happy Christmas.

Um... got any whisky?

Only the own-brand stuff. Nothing fancy.

- What is it?
- Uh, Glen-something or other?

- No. Uh, what proof is it?
- [BOTTLE CLANKS]

- [INHALES DEEPLY] .
- Sold.

Just the one bottle?

Uh... Let's say two. It's Christmas.

[BOTTLES CLANK]

Cheers.

- Snacks.
- Oh, brilliant.

I love food and booze in
the mornin'. [CHUCKLES]

Well done, Jesus,
getting born. Nice work.

We were just talking about lovely Maya.

She's coming over today, isn't she?

Yes, she's joining us for dinner.

Luke sounds very serious about her.

Well, they've been
together for months.

I was just telling Jim and Jackie,

Luke couldn't talk about anything else

when he came to see me.

Oh, very sweet. Young love.

- You will miss him now, Ally.
- What do you mean, miss him?

Oh, I didn't just say that.

Um... What... What,
are those crisps prawn?

Sorry. What's happening with Luke?

I'm so sorry, Ally. I've
let the cat out the bag.

And set the fucker amongst the pigeons.

Luke told me he's going to
move in with Maya and her family.

No, he's f*cking not. Since when?

He said he was going to
make the announcement today

- at the dinner table.
- Well, no, sorry, that's not...

that's not happening. I won't...

I won't let him move
out. He's... He's a child.

- He is .
- He's an -year-old child.

He's not... He's not moving anywhere,

and I'm... I'm not
ready to let him go, no.

- Not yet. No. f*cking hell.
- Oh.

Maybe he'll change his mind,
Ally, or they'll split up.

No, I d... I don't... I don't...

I don't want that. He loves Maya.

Talking of lost loves...

No, Alex and I have not been in touch

just because it's Christmas.
Divorce is divorce.

We haven't remained friends
like idiots pretend to.

I'm much happier on my own.

Other people just get
in the way, don't they?

Lovely tree, that. 'Cause you...

you used to have that silver
plastic one, didn't you?

Up until a few years ago, yeah.

I thought so.

Ah.

Who... Who made this? Is this Luke?

Let me see. Oh, yeah.

He did that at his first nursery.

Oh, the one run by those
mad creationist ladies.

Yeah. They were lovely,
though, I thought. Not mad.

No. Okay.

Well, kids seemed to enjoy Christmas.

Yeah. Got through it, didn't we?

Yeah, and Ava does actually
seem to be doing all right.

Yeah. Settled in at the new
school, still mates with Grace.

Talked it all out with my
dad. She's, uh, she's good.

[SIGHS] Right. Fairy lights off?
Means we're k*lling Christmas.

Well, k*ll it.

[CLICK]

[CLATTER]

So, we're done?

Feels like we're done, doesn't it?

- I was gonna order a takeaway.
- Great.

[CHOIR SINGING HOLIDAY CAROL ON STEREO]

You really don't need to help.

Oh, I don't mind chopping
a few carrots, love.

It's a big production
number, Christmas dinner.

Ay-up, here she comes.
Happy Christmas, Ava.

Happy Christmas, Granddad.
Hatey Christmas, Leah.

Hatey Christmas to you, too, my darling.

- Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas, love.

- Is it present opening time?
- No, Luke's not awake yet.

- [LUKE] Yes, he is.
- [JACKIE] Oh, my God, it lives.

Ha ha. Hello, Granny. Merry Christmas.

[ALLY] Hi. If you guys want some
champagne, it's just up there.

- Yes, please.
- I'm all right for now.

- I'll just get some juice.
- [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS]

[REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Here you go. Gin, tonic,
ice and a slice... of lemon.

Ooh. Is this the sh*t tonic?

I'm sorry. I didn't ask.

Should I ask? I can never
taste the difference.

- I can, but don't worry.
- So, you said you had news.

You also said that you had news.

Hmm. Would you like to be
the first item on the news,

like a major climate disaster?

Hmm, no, I'll go second,

like "t*rror1st att*ck
in Madrid" sort of thing.

- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

Uh, well, my news is
actually, uh, romantic news.

Okay. Is this about the amazing Gabby?

- Gabby?
- Yeah, Gabby.

Oh, Gabby. No, no, no, no.
Um, she didn't really like me.

I mean, she didn't say as
much, but I got the impression.

We went on one further
date, and when I went

to kiss her good night,
she sort of shouted.

Oh, right. Well, that's
not good. [CHUCKLES]

No, and she said she
saw a motorbike behind me

nearly hit a cat, but not convinced.

Hmm. So what? So, well, then,
what's the romantic news?

Well, Karen and I are...

- Getting back together.
- Really? Well, obviously.

Obvi... Sorry. Yeah, obviously, really,

'cause you just said it, didn't you?

Well, I know it seems
sort of unexpected,

but we just thought it'd be
worth another try, you know?

Still a lot of warmth there.

Warmth. Oh. Okay.

That's really great.
That's so good. [CHUCKLES]

And the twins are exhibiting

some quite, uh, challenging
behavior at the moment,

both excluded from school last month.

- Wow.
- And they've each been given

a lifetime ballet-stroke-tap ban

from the London Dance
Schools' Association.

- Lifetime?
- I know, harsh.

I mean, it's obviously an
overreaction, but, uh...

they're not budging on it, so, um...

So you think that getting back
together is gonna help this?

Exactly. Two shoulders
to carry the burden.

Right, yeah.

No, four. No, we've got
two each, haven't we?

- So, what's your news?
- [INHALES SHARPLY] Um...

Paul and I are gonna split up.

Right. You mean you're...

Divorced. Yeah, yeah. Well, eventually.

We're not gonna tell the
kids for... for a while yet,

but, yeah, it looks like...
it looks like we're over.

I'm so sorry. What caused
it? If that's not...

Oh, a combination of things.
It's been coming for a while,

and, um, yeah, we both felt
it, but we just had to admit it

to ourselves and then to each other.

Listen, Ally, if there's anything...

Anything I can do, just give me a call.

Yeah, I think you're gonna
have your, uh, hands full

with a big... Karen reunion, aren't you?

Oh, yes, I... yeah.

- Probably will, won't I?
- Yeah.

It's gonna be wonderful, I'm sure.

According to my phone,
he should be back... now.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [PAUL] Hiya!

[LAUGHTER]

Here he is, the sh*t Father Christmas.

Piss Kringle.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hatey Christmas, Mother-in-Law.

- Hello, offspring.
- Really sorry you had to go

all the way back to our place,
Paul, after bringing us here.

- [SIGHS]
- I'm an idiot.

It's fine. You need your meds now.

Here we are, then,
sonny. Happy Christmas.

What a good little Geordie.
Right, what we got here?

- Some house keys and medication.
- Thank you.

Oh, I also found this,
actually, next to the tablets.

Manuka honey. That's
medicinal, isn't it?

I didn't know if you needed some.

Oh, no, that's Jim's.

- I don't touch honey.
- Oh, Jesus.

It comes out of bees' bum holes.

- Does it?
- Doesn't it?

I don't think it does. [CHUCKLES]

Well, whatever. I just
don't like the thought of it.

- Yeah.
- Thousands of 'em

crawling all over the
honey in that tiny space,

and then you're meant to eat it. Ugh.

- No, thank you very much.
- Yeah.

I love sandwich spread.

Sandwich spread doesn't cure arthritis.

And neither does a
-quid jar of honey,

you gullible old sod.

I also realized that we
didn't have any whisky,

so, uh, I got some on the way back.

Cheap old paint stripper. %.

- Oh, magic. Burnin' nectar.
- [CHUCKLES]

Right. I'll get this off,
and, um, yeah. Presents?

- Yes. Yes!
- Yay!

[LAUGHTER]

- So, we're saying...
- Oh, oh, mind, mind.

- Dog dirt.
- Who still says "dog dirt"?

- [LAUGHS]
- Me, clearly.

Do you still say "women's
lib" and "continental quilt"?

[LAUGHTER]

Someone's got to, don't they?

So, we're saying no lawyers?

Yeah, I don't think we need 'em. Do you?

- I mean, we're reasonable.
- Well, you're f*cking not.

- [LAUGHTER]
- No, it's just,

loads of people manage to
split up without lawyers

poking their noses in,
and they cost a b*mb.

Yeah, but actual divorce,
like the, you know,

actual sort of legal thingummyjiggy...

Go on. Go on, Rumpole.

But that's, like, that's further
down the road a bit, right?

Yes. I think it goes,

I move out. We have some sort
of temporary plan financially,

- the kids and all of that...
- Yeah.

And then divorce.

Right.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Hmm.

- Yeah.
- [PATRON] Thanks, mate, yeah.

[CHORAL MUSIC CONTINUES]

Is there a Christmas pudding, Ally?

There's one for you,
Jim. No one else eats it.

That's very kind. Why
does no one else eat it?

- 'Cause it's rank.
- It is rank, Granddad.

Raisins. Brown stuff. More
brown stuff. Bits of peel.

One of those things I love the idea of,

but I don't actually enjoy.

- Like marriage.
- Precisely.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll go.

- Darren.
- Yes.

- Come in, mate. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.

- It's just you?
- Yes.

Karen's got the twins
today. I tossed for it.

[LAUGHS] She lost.

She lost. [CHUCKLES] No,
seriously, she did lose.

- Oh, right. Hmm.
- Yeah.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Hey, folks. Look who I found.

Are your lovely girls with you?

No, they're spending
Christmas Day with their mum.

Oh.

- Happy Christmas.
- Here, let me take that.

Luke, get this man a glass of fizz.

- Oh.
- How are you?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- [CHUCKLES]
- Mm. Oh, sh*t.

- Hmm?
- sh*t. Behind you.

Bald bloke over there?
p*rn star in the 's. Yeah.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Nothing hardcore. Just, uh...

The soft stuff, you know,
Randy Bin Man on the Job.

Or Confessions of a Project Manager.

- [LAUGHS] That was a sexy film.
- Ah.

That was really, really sexy.

- Big, Bald and Bouncy.
- Oh, didn't that win the Oscar?

No, they went with Kramer
vs. Kramer that year.

f*cking idiots. [LAUGHS]

- Hmm. Cheers.
- Cheers.

Ahh.

And we're getting on a lot better

since we decided to split up.

Yeah. Yeah, we are, aren't we?

I'm still really, really angry about...

- Big, Bald and Bouncy.
- [LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.

- He was f*cking robbed.
- Yeah.

I mean, how bald was Hoffman?

- He was not bald at all.
- No.

He was the exact opposite of bald.

- Which would be?
- Very, very hairish.

- Exactly. Hairish.
- [LAUGHS]

- Christ.
- Luke's gonna move in

with Maya's family.

- No, he's f*cking not.
- That's what I said.

What? Who said he wants to move out?

He mentioned it to Mum, and apparently

he's gonna tell us all at dinner today.

But that's ridiculous.
He can't just move out.

No, I know. I'm not ready
for him to go. I'm really not.

Well, that's okay, Al,
'cause he's not going.

[SIGHS] God. I mean, I understand that

he's crazy in love
with Maya, and she's...

she's g... She's great for him.

Best thing that's ever happened to him.

- Yeah.
- But still, he's got exams.

He's got a family. Christ,
he's already moved out once,

hasn't he? When he walloped me.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Then he moved back in.

Then I moved out. It's enough
f*cking moving out, okay?

He's still little. I mean,
he's big, but he's still little.

I'm not finished with him yet.
He's like an unfinished project,

like one of your mum's jigsaws.

[LAUGHTER]

- f*cking hell.
- I know.

Okay, so, so... how
are we supposed to react

when... when he tells us this?

'Cause we can't embarrass
him in front of Maya...

- Yeah.
- And have him f*cking,

you know, storm off and go mental, so...

We've got to be reasonable and practical

and say that we, uh, that we...
we know how in love they are.

- Yeah.
- But that... [SIGHS]

I don't know. Talk about how he
needs to focus on his exams...

- Right, okay.
- And all that stuff.

Yeah, okay. God Almighty,
when does parenting end?

About the time the
crematorium curtains close

and the kids have put
the house on Rightmove.

[LAUGHTER]

- That sounds amazing.
- Mm.

It's... How tall is it, Maya?

Uh, it's floors up,

and you look out over Tower Bridge

and along the Thames and
yeah, we go every Christmas.

Me, my mum, my dad, and
my sister and her lot.

- Oh.
- Sounds amazing.

Christmas dinner at a restaurant.

I'm not sure I approve.

Oh, that's because you've never
had to cook the bloody thing.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Well, we're very honored indeed

that you've chosen to be with us today.

- Mum, you sound like a mayoress.
- [LAUGHTER]

We are, though, Maya.

Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for the world,

so thank you for having
me. I really love it here.

- Good.
- Can I use

- me pudding spoon for the gravy?
- No.

Hang on. I'll get you another one.

It's not soup, Jim. It's gravy.

- It's quite a fine line, though.
- Exactly.

- Thank you, love.
- Don't encourage him.

[PAUL] Come on. We're not
gonna get a seat at this rate.

[ALLY] Standing room
only, like a royal wedding.

- Yeah, or a public hanging.
- [LAUGHS]

For Darren and Karen,

and it's lovely to see
such a lot of people here

to wish this couple well
as they join together

and continue their life's journey.

Okay, then, so on to
the all-important vows,

written, I think, by...

Karen. She... She wrote them.

- Excellent.
- [UNDER BREATH] Come on.

- [WHISPERS] Wow.
- Okay, Darren, are you ready?

Sure.

- So, repeat after me.
- Mm-hmm.

- I, Darren...
- I, Darren...

- Promise you, Karen...
- Promise you, Karen...

To be a faithful
partner amid the joys...

Amid the joys...

To be a faithful partner amid the joys.

Sorry. [CHUCKLES]

To be a faithful partner
amid all the joys...

- Sorry, was it "all"?
- No, but it's all right.

And the sorrows of our life together.

And the sorrows of our life together.

[WHISPERS] Don't lead with sorrow.

- Never lead with sorrow. Yeah.
- Terrible vows.

They're, like, really sh*t vows.

I will be your rock.

I will be your rock.

I will be your staff.

- I will be your staff.
- That means walking stick,

not an actual member of her staff.

- Although...
- I will be your lover

and your comrade.

I will be your lover and your comrade.

- Oh, calm down, Stalin.
- Your partner in crime...

- Wow. Tax avoidance.
- Your partner in crime...

And... your playmate.

- [LAUGHS] f*cking hell.
- [DARREN] And your playmate.

And I promise in front
of the congregation

gathered here to love you forever.

And I promise in front
of the congregation

gathered here to love you forever.

[SUSIE] We are giving each
other a second chance...

[DARREN] We are giving
each other a second chance.

[SUSIE] Trying again...

- [DARREN] Trying again...
- [SUSIE] Together today...

[DARREN] Together today...

And for all the days of our lives.

And for all the days of our lives.

That was nice. It was a nice ceremony.

- Very sweet.
- Susie did great.

- I really like her.
- She's good, isn't she?

Yeah. So how long do you give 'em?

- As a couple?
- Yeah.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY] Six.
- Months?

No, minutes. They're f*cking doomed.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

And are we undoomed now, do you think?

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Ally, I need to tell you... I'm sorry.

- I did fancy Gabby.
- [GASPS]

Clearly, I did. Clearly, I did.

- [SIGHS]
- And I lied to you.

I thought it was this kind of fun,

uncomplicated world, and
I really liked it, okay?

So, without getting too
Nuremberg trials about it all...

- You fucker!
- I'm sorry.

You sorry fucker.

- Do you forgive me?
- No.

f*ck.

So, what do you reckon we do now?

Well, I think we carry on

believing that we're going
to split up because this is

the best that we've got
on in f*cking months.

I agree. I agree.

- Let's split up.
- Let's split up.

- Do you want some more?
- Mm. Thank you.

- That was so delicious, Ally.
- Yeah, Mum, that was amazing.

Um, are you sure you
don't want some wine, Maya?

- Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks.
- Mmm.

Does nobody else want any
of this Christmas puddin'?

It's delicious.

Stop trying to push your
pudding onto everyone.

Did that sound a bit rude?

- [LAUGHTER]
- A bit rude, yeah.

Christmas pudding. Love a
bit of Christmas pudding.

There we go! Good on you, Darren.

Oh, listen, there's
loads of this trifle left.

- Who needs some?
- Oh...

I need to say something, actually.

- All right. Okay.
- [JIM CHUCKLES]

- It's all gone really quiet now.
- Ah.

[LAUGHTER]

Um...

I need to say that I am gonna
be moving in with Maya's family.

Are you? Okay.

And have you thought about this, love?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really sorry to
be stealing him away.

I know you'll miss me being around.

It's just I think that it's
important that we're together.

Uh, look, we... we know how
much in love you both are,

and that is brilliant...

Thank you. We are. But also...

I'm pregnant.

Yeah. That's... That's the main reason.

We're... We're gonna have a baby.

f*cking Nora.