04x02 - No Alternative

[bunniefuu]

[BEEPING]

[SONOGRAPHER] And...
wait just one second.

[HEARTBEAT]

Yes, there's baby.

[MAYA CRIES]

It's a tiny, little human being.

Oh, my God. Luke, can you see?

It's amazing. It's beautiful.

So beautiful.

[HEARTBEAT CONTINUES]

- Is... Is that the head?
- That is the head.

And that heartbeat, Maya. Listen.

[HEARTBEAT CONTINUES]

[LAUGHS]

[HEARTBEAT CONTINUES]

I don't know what to say.

f*cking Nora.

Seriously?

You're... You're gonna
be a father? Of a baby?

Pregnancy tests can be wrong.
They go wrong all the time.

Maya's having a -week
scan on January the nd.

weeks? [CHUCKLES]

sh*t. Right, okay, so you've
known for a while, then.

We don't want to jinx anything by, like,

announcing it too soon.

Hmm.

And how are you... how are
you both feeling about it?

Really excited. [LAUGHS]

Uh, um, it's a big surprise.

Say that again. [LAUGHS] Jesus Christ.

It wasn't planned, but you know,

we've talked about it forever,

and... and we're really, really happy.

This is such amazing news.

In our day, it was normal to have kids

at your sort of age.

Get it over with.

And then when they're grown
up, you're still in your s.

You can have some fun. [LAUGHS]

Dancing, go to Las Vegas, all sorts.

Have you guys thought about schools?

Uh, we're both still at school, Darren.

Yeah, you can't start too early.

Good prep schools get
booked up really quickly,

and the sh*t ones, actually.

Sorry to be blunt, but
are you absolutely sure

you want to go ahead with this?

There is another option available.

I had a baby very young.
It ruined my life.

- Mum!
- I might not mean you.

What, you had a baby before me?

We're definitely keeping the baby.

We know it's a huge thing, Granny,

but we think we know what we're doing.

Granny? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm going to be a granny,
and I'm not even yet.

There's... There's a lot
that we need to talk about.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

Because, for a start, you know...

I mean, Jesus Christ. A baby.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't I fetch that cheese I brought

and you can all sit around
with some oatcakes and quince

and talk it through?

Oh, Maya, can you eat cheese
in your, um, condition?

Uh, no, she can't have
any soft blue cheese

or any soft cheese with a white rind.

All right, no brie, then.

Good God. I'm so glad I'm a man.

[DARREN] What do we all fancy
falling asleep in front of?

Is there a Bond? There's
gotta be a Bond on somewhere.

He used to be a male
model, Sean Connery.

He posed for life-drawing classes,

never with his old fella
hanging out, though,

I don't think.

[CHUCKLES] Shame.

We could always watch the
King's Christmas message at .

Still feels funny, doesn't it,

that it's the King's message
nowadays and not the Queen?

Mm. Indeed.

It's a sort of glue holding
the country together, isn't it,

the King's Christmas message?

Comforting, steady, solid.

Are we gonna watch it, then?

No. The Gruffalo's on.

Oh. Great.

[JIM] I f*ckin' love the Gruffalo.

[MAYA] These glasses...

Do these go in this cupboard?

Uh, no. One next to it. Thanks, Maya.

So, just to be clear, you're still...

You're still planning
to go to university?

Uh, if I can get into
a London college, then yeah.

And then my mum, my dad,
and my sister will help out

with the baby while I'm studying.

- Oh.
- And then hopefully I'll get

into a London uni,
too, and then I can work

- evenings and weekends.
- S-Sorry, hang on.

Um, what about

the music production
course in Manchester?

Oh, yeah, that was just a
mad punt. I won't get in.

- Oh.
- There's, like,

applications for places.

- Uh-huh.
- I've applied to Durham, too,

but I won't go even if I get an offer.

And all my other choices are in London.

Right. Babies are expensive,
Luke. They just are.

A part-time job's not gonna cut it.

Uh, my parents will help out
financially at the beginning.

- Oh, yeah, I was just...
- Yeah, we can help out, too.

- So, we can do that as well.
- We can help out, too.

- Yeah, to... to an extent, yeah.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Look, I... I know it's a total shock.

It was a shock to my
parents when we told them.

Mm.

Uh, 'cause your parents already know?

Just because of me
moving in and everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no,
obviously they needed to...

- To know.
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

So, um, can this scan tell
you the sex of the baby?

Not accurately, but it
can tell you the due date

and whether you're expecting twins.

So, I mean, are we allowed
to come to the scan...

I mean, scan... are parents...
Grandparent... grandparents-to-be,

are they allowed to...
To be at the scan?

Uh, in the actual scan room,

they say they only
allow two other people,

apart from Luke... and me, obviously.

Oh, yeah, you're kind
of essential. Yeah.

But, uh, other people can wait outside.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Oh, that's great.

That's good.

So, are you, uh, are you pleased for us?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Yeah, yes, yes. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I mean, It's...
It's a shock, obviously.

But as everyone said,
it is a huge shock.

But, yeah, we're... yeah, we're...

Yeah, we're really happy for you.

Ah, it's a f*cking disaster, Al.

- He's .
- Mm-hmm.

[WHISPERS] .

- She's... .
- Mm-hmm.

. They're both... years old.

It's like a Ken Loach film, innit?

- [SIGHS]
- Or I don't know. f*ckin'...

- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- What's that... What's that movie?

Juno?

It's like f*cking Juno, isn't it?

- It's not exactly like Juno.
- Well, whatever.

[SIGHS] I guess we're just
gonna have to cope with it.

There's... There's no alternative.

- There clearly is.
- What?

Wh-What your mum said.
The obvious alternative.

They're keeping the baby, Paul.

They said they've thought about it.

They've talked about
it. They're keeping it.

Well, maybe they've
not thought hard enough.

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe some grownups
need to talk to them.

We can't be the ones to
suggest a termination.

They'll hate us, and we're
already on the back foot.

- How?
- Maya's parents have known

about this for ages.
They're way ahead of us.

[SIGHS] They'll be the ones

in the room at the scan, won't they?

Yeah. Yes, they will.

Every single family has an
alpha set of grandparents

and a beta set, and we're in
danger of becoming the betas.

- It's mad!
- Mm.

- Us being...
- I know.

Grandparents is unreal.

It's like, get a f*cking
OBE or something,

new hip, becoming a magistrate.

[SIGHS] I'm at the
denial stage, I think.

Are you at the anger stage yet?

I'm always at the f*cking anger stage.

What are the other stages again?

- [LAUGHS] Um, denial...
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Anger, bargaining, depression, um...

- Sporty, Scary, Posh.
- [LAUGHS]

- Divorced, beheaded, d*ed.
- [LAUGHING]

Divorce... Divorced, beheaded, survived.

Oh, God. [LAUGHS]

[WHISPERS] f*cking hell, though, Al.

I know.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Right. Night, night, Grandpa.

- Teeth out. Catheter in.
- No, but, really, babe, babe.

This is such a massive shitshow.

It could ruin Luke's life. It could.

We won't let it, I promise.

Hey. Yeah. Mmm.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[SWITCH CLICKS]

Sorry Ava, we're holding you up.

We're like a couple of tortoises

who've had a fall and
then shat themselves.

It's fine. It's nice
to go slowly sometimes.

It's good to get out
for a Boxing Day walk.

You need to keep moving, or
you seize up, body and mind.

It isn't Boxing Day, though, is it?

- Isn't it?
- Is it?

It's the th.

Oh, so it's like the
Boxing Day of Boxing Day.

Which would make Christmas Day
Boxing Day Eve.

So...

how are you feeling about
Luke and all that, Ava?

seconds.

Sorry, love?

There were seconds
at Christmas dinner

just after Luke said he
was moving in with Maya,

where I thought, okay, maybe

it's finally time for me to be
number one kid in the family.

Right. And then he said
he was gonna be a dad.

And then I wasn't even
number two kid again.

I was suddenly number
three because of the baby.

I'm jealous of a baby. Not
even a baby. An unborn baby.

[SIGHS]

So, what do you think of
your new place, Granny?

Oh, wonderful.

I wish we'd moved to
sheltered housing years ago.

There's all sorts going on.

Dance class, cookery class,
art class, book club, yoga.

There's a hairdresser
comes once a week... Holly.

Uh, chiropodist... Cliff.

Oh. I love it.

And what about you, Granddad?

I think it's the penultimate stop

on my journey to the grave.

Like Battersea Park Station

when you're on the train into Victoria,

only Victoria is death,
and Battersea Park is

coughing up blood and getting jaundice.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Jim.

You've ruined that train journey for me.

Look. Look.

We've got some veggie
cup-a-soups, Ava,

if you fancy one, mushroom
and sweet corn.

Great, thank you.

I've started knitting
some little baby clothes

for the great-grandchild.

- Booties, a cardigan.
- That's nice.

Mind your Gran's jigsaw.

What is it?

- f*cking enormous.
- Constable's Hay Wain.

[WHOOSHING]

[SONOGRAPHER] Everything's
looking absolutely fine.

[MAYA] Great.

[SONOGRAPHER] The placenta's
in exactly the right position.

Oh, brilliant. And it's just one baby?

- Just the one, yes.
- [WHISPERS] Oh, right.

Unless its twin is very good at hiding.

[LAUGHTER]

- One's enough for Luke.
- Yeah.

[VOICE BREAKING] Just feels, like...

really real now, doesn't it, Luke?

Too real.

[MACHINE CONTINUES WHOOSHING]

No, not... not too real.

Like, real enough.

You know, really... real.

[WHOOSHING CONTINUES]

- That's almost it.
- Great. No hurry.

- Quick final check?
- Yep.

Uh, your telly and PlayStation
are still down there.

Yeah, I-I think I might
just keep 'em here, actually.

Oh, right. You sure?

Yeah, there's not a lot of
space in Maya's room, so...

Okay.

[SIGHS] Also, I-I think I'd just

quite like to get away sometimes
and be a kid again, you know?

- Maybe here...
- Mm-hmm.

With Jacob? Have some Jacob time.

Oh. Okay.

H-How is, um...

weird Jacob taking all the baby news?

- Uh... [CHUCKLES] obsessed.
- [LAUGHS]

He's, um, he's Googling recipes
for Maya to combat constipation,

and he's got a fetal
growth chart on his fridge.

- Christ, he's amazing.
- Yeah.

And a f*cking lunatic. [LAUGHS] Hey.

- Hi! I haven't been crying.
- Oh, good.

Oh, Lukey. I don't want you to go.

- Won't be far away.
- No, I know.

And I'll... I'll pop in a lot.

Maya's family don't swear
that often, so I'll have to...

- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Funny.

- See you soon.
- Bye.

We'll see you on New Year's Eve?

Uh, no, I think we're
gonna be spending it

at Maya's sister's, if that's okay.

No, sure, absolutely.
See you at the scan, then.

Or the waiting room,
whatever, depending. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. See you then.

Love you guys, and give
my love to Ava as well.

- Will do. Love you.
- All right. Love you, mate.

Cheers, Steve.

[SIGHS]

I think Maya should have a termination.

Hmm.

- Hang on, what?
- [DOOR OPENS]

No. What was that?

You said the same a couple of days ago,

Yeah, but then you said the opposite.

Luke is gonna ruin his life, Paul.

He's gonna throw away his
future and his s and everything

- that's out there for him.
- What about the whole

alpha grandparents thing
you were talking about?

f*ck being grandparents!
We need to be parents!

We need to step up and stop him
from throwing everything away.

[INHALES SHARPLY] You
really mean it, though, hon?

- The "A" word.
- Not really.

- Abortion.
- No, I know what you meant.

- Sorry.
- No, not really, no, no.

I just... Oh. Maya wants this baby.

- Right.
- Luke wants this baby, but...

this is just about the
hardest bit of parenting

that we've ever had to
do, and I'm... I am f*cked

if I know how we can manage it.

Okay, me and you need
to get in sync, okay?

Me and you need to
get off the back foot,

get ourselves fired up, and in
the f*cking room for that scan.

- You're right.
- New year, new us.

[SWING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I think I nodded off
there for a minute. [YAWNS]

I'd fallen asleep, so I
didn't notice you nodding off.

- [YAWNS] Mm.
- Well...

three minutes to the Big Ben bongs.

Shall I put BBC One on for the bongs?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. [SIGHS]
I'll go... I'll go get Ava.

Okay.

- [CHUCKLES]
- f*ck it. I'll text her.

[SIGHS]

Oh, do you need topping up, babe?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Can't reach.

[CHUCKLES] Help.

Hi, love.

Hey, do you wanna enjoy some champagne?

No, thanks.

- What have you been up to?
- Revising.

There's a history module that
I'm sort of struggling with,

and anyway, boring, but
I need to work on it.

- Can we help?
- It's fine.

- Hmm.
- We know it's been tough

for you, you know, with the
baby and the focus on Luke.

- It's fine.
- Ah. It's not, though.

It's a big thing for Luke.
You need to concentrate on him.

I haven't got any big things going on.

Well, you... you have, just
not as dramatic as Luke.

- Luke has always been dramatic.
- Yeah.

Nearly dying, punching me in the face.

He's always been a
bit... primary colors.

Is it all right if... I don't
really care about this baby?

[PEOPLE ON TV COUNTING DOWN]

Y-Yes, of... of course that is allowed.

[PEOPLE ON TV CHEERING]

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

- Hey.
- [GLASSES CLINK]

[CHEERING CONTINUES,
FIREWORKS POPPING ON TV]

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

[BIG BEN TOLLING]

_

I might have that glass
of champagne, actually.

Yeah, of course. Coming up.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

So, have we gone past it?

It definitely said radiology this way,

but the signs have run out.

Right, so hang... hang on, hang on.

Is X-Ray Department the
same as Radiology Department?

- Oh, sh*t, we're gonna be late.
- That's f*cking mad!

Isn't it? Having... Having
two... Two names for the...

Babe! Hon?

- Is it cold?
- The gel?

Only at first, but you'll be tense,

so you'll probably jump a
little bit, which means, Luke,

you'll probably jump a little bit, too.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, probably.

Seeing inside a human body, though,

that's... that's pretty cool.

Wait till your first colonoscopy. Luke.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [ALLY] Oh.

Hi. So sorry we're late. Rubbish signs.

Yeah, we... we went down
every corridor twice,

like some NHS Pac-Man.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm Paul.

Ah. Great to meet you, Paul. I'm Sunil.

- This is my wife Meena.
- Oh.

- Meena, I'm Ally.
- [SUNIL] Hi, Ally.

- How you doing, love?
- Uh, a little bit nervous.

Understandable. I'm a
bit nervous, too. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] How are you, sport?

Um... I'm a little bit
nervous as well, if I'm honest.

- I'm perfectly calm.
- [LAUGHTER]

No, he's not. He was up at :
this morning cleaning the oven.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- Uh, happy New Year, by the way.
- [SUNIL] Yes!

Happy New Year. Did
you do anything special?

Uh, no, just, uh, fell asleep
in front of the telly, right?

Then... then the bongs and...

[CHUCKLES] The BBC bongs?

- Always. The official bongs.
- [LAUGHTER]

Never trust Jools Holland's bongs.

- They're pre-recorded.
- [LAUGHTER]

- True.
- [PAUL] Yeah.

We all had, uh, dinner at my sister's.

She's got a three-year-old.

- Ah, lovely.
- Oh, that's a lovely age.

I mean, to be. It's an
absolute bastard for a parent.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah, and, uh,

Maya didn't sleep through
the night till she was, what,

- four years old?
- [ALLY] Oh.

- [SUNIL] Yeah.
- It almost k*lled us.

- We almost m*rder*d her.
- Yeah.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [SONOGRAPHER] Maya?

Hi. We'll be ready
for you in five minutes.

- Oh, great.
- And are you the dad?

Y-Yeah, I'm the dad, yeah.

We can only have two of you in
the scanning room, I'm afraid.

[WHOOSHING]

[MAYA, VOICE BREAKING] It's just, um...

It just feels really real
now, doesn't it, Luke?

[LUKE] Yeah. Too real.

No, not... not... not
too real, obviously.

Just real enough, you know? Really real.

Oh, it's the best thing
I've seen on telly in months.

[LAUGHTER]

- Can you see okay there?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- It's amazing, isn't it?
- Really amazing.

Babies really live up
to the hype, don't they?

- They're .
- I know!

- It's mad.
- It's terrifying, Paul.

I-I mean, we have to support them.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, of course, yeah.

- But also...
- Exactly.

It could be a disaster.
In fact, my first reaction was,

- this is a disaster.
- Mm-hmm.

But Meena managed to row me
back to this could be a disaster.

But they're .

I've got whiskey older
than that and some T-shirts.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's so nice to know

you're as freaked out as we are.

Oh, I'm as freaked out
as I've ever been, Ally,

and I've been freaked out a lot.

- Ah.
- Oh, hey!

- Hey, hey.
- Hi.

- Hey. How was it, Maya?
- [SIGHS] Amazing.

- Super amazing.
- It really was.

- [SUNIL] Did your mother cry?
- Of course she did.

She used to cry at Bob the Builder.

- It was the camaraderie.
- Sure.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, while I remember,

Granny Jackie asked
me to give you these.

She's knitted something for the baby.

They're huge.

I'm sure the baby will grow into them.

Yeah, and if not, I can always wear them

- when I'm doing the gardening.
- [LAUGHTER]

- I'm really glad I saw the baby.
- Mm.

- I think I'll be a good auntie.
- Oof.

I think you'll be an excellent auntie.

So, have you two come to
terms with Luke being a dad?

- f*ck, no.
- Never.