22x03 - Gypped in the Penthouse

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

No ice.
I'll get it myself.

That's all--

Oh, I beg
your pardon sir.

I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry--

Larry. Of all people,
I haven't seen you in years.

Shemp. You're a sight
for sore eyes.

Sit down. We'll have a drink.
I don't mind if I do.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What kind of stuff
is this?

Mm.
Nice and fresh.

When did you join
the Woman Haters Club?

Oh, it's a long story.
I'll have to tell you

a little later.
All right.

Right now,
we're busy with this, you see.

Oh, brother.
[LAUGHS]

Mm.

There you are.

Here's how.

I know how.

[GLUGGING]

[CAR HORNS AND ALARMS BLARING]

[GASPING]

Too much seltzer.

[SIREN WHISTLING]

You're right. They do make
that seltzer strong.

Well, you asked me
a question.

It's a long story,
but you asked for it.

I was sitting at home reading
the newspaper,

when I happen to glance
at the personal column.

There was an ad
that caught my eye.

"Tired of being beautiful
and alone.

"Would like to meet clean,
well-dressed,

"handsome man about .

"Object: matrimony.

Address: box
Daily Journal."

What an opportunity.

Beautiful and alone.

But a handsome man,
that might be a problem.

What time is it?

[TICKING]

Every time I look at
the seven-day clock, it stops.

I can't be that ugly.
Or can I?

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the fairest
Of them all?

I break more mirrors
that way.

Well, believe it or not,
she thought I was handsome.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And I fell for her
like a ton of bricks.

Well, a few nights later,
I went over to visit her

at her apartment as usual,
and uh...

Mwah, mwah.

Close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.

Oh, darling,
it's beautiful.

Oh.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

[MUMBLING]

Oh, I'm gonna relax
and smoke a bit.

[GIGGLES]

You wanna smoke?
Thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.
I'll get it.

I'll get it.

What can I do for you?

This.

Oh!

Didn't you make a mistake?

Yeah, I hit the wrong eye.

Oh!

Ah, my beautiful Jane.

While it's in my brain,
may I deign again to ask you

not refrain the chance
to make us twain.

[LAUGHING]

Mm. Yeah.

[HUFFING]

Oh, darling,
it's beautiful.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

You may kiss me.

MOE:
Indeed.

[LAUGHS]

Hey.
What the hey?

Who is this spotted
raccoon?

Oh, he tried
to get engaged to me

with that miserable
little -karat ring.

Just a minute, that was
and a half karats,

you gold digger.

Why don't you watch
your manners?

How dare you call my tomato
a gold digger.

Oh!
Get away from here.

Ha!

Oh!

I guess I told him
a two or thing.

Took care of that guy,
I'll tell you.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, oh, oh!

MOE:
That caterpillar thinks
he's smart,

but he's not smart enough
for me.

I'll-- Ah-ah.

Look out.

[GROANS]

Oh, baby.

Speak to me.

Yes?
This.

Oh! Oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hey, hey.

I'll m*rder you.
Take it easy now.

Turn me loose.

I'll get you.
I'll tear your tonsils out.

I can't move here.

Get me out of this.
I'll---

[GASPS]

I'm through
with women forever.

Give me back my ring.
That's the wrong ring.

So sue me.

[GRUNTING]

I'll catch up with you
one of these days, wise guy,

and when I do, pow.

Women have always
made trouble.

They're all alike.

Now my trouble started
in the subway.

It was crowded
and I was hanging on to a strap.

And all of a sudden,
a beautiful girl get up

and give me a seat.

Well, to make a long
friendship short,

here I was at her home...

That meal was wonderful.
Oh, thank you.

Beautiful
and can cook too.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Thank you.

Well, now, will you excuse me
while I powder my nose?

Sure. Where does
this pitcher belong?

Up there in the cabinet.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, she forgot to put
the dirty dishes in the washer.

I'll do it

[WATER HISSING]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

The a*t*matic shut-off
is out of order.

Oh, you're soaking wet.

[SNEEZES]

You better get
those wet clothes off

before you catch cold.

Come on, I'll give you
something to wear.

In a minute, in a minute.

Oh!

Come on.

All right.

[GROANING]
Oh.

Oh, they're soaked.
Now you hurry up

and get out of those
wet clothes

and I'll send them out
to be cleaned and pressed.

Meanwhile, make yourself
at home.

Thanks a lot.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you are.

Where'd you get
the men's pajamas?

Well, they're my husband's,
but we're separated.

Oh.

Here, put this on.

It'll help keep you warm,
I think.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

[GIGGLES]

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
what a night that was.

Go on.

Let's wet
our whistles first.

Here's looking at you.

[BLOWS]

[SPITS]

[BLOWS]

[RAZOR SQUEALS]

Sorry, pal.

Go on with your story.

Well, there we were
in the living room

waiting for my suit
to come back from the cleaners.

She was fond of music

and I was playing the piano
and singing.

I was trying to impersonate
that guy with the candelabra.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Home
Home on the farm ♪

♪ In Georgia ♪

♪ Our farm had such charm ♪

♪ And mama's so sweet ♪

♪ Cooks good things to eat ♪

♪ In Georgia ♪

♪ Down on the farm ♪

How was that?
Oh, that's wonderful.

You're quite a musician.

Just fair.
I play that in four sharps.

I used to play in five flats

but I got kicked out
of the last one.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, what a lovely ring.

May I see it?
Certainly.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you very much.
Now wait a minute.

Oh, no.
Now wait. Now give me that.

Oh, it went down
that hole.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me. I'm expecting
an important phone call.

I can't get my hand under.

[PIANO STRINGS THRUMMING]

[STRINGS TWANG]

Well.

Gosh, it went down
further.

I'll get it.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, you cockeyed thing.

[CRASHING]

[GROANING]

What happened?

I feel like a pretzel.

Oh...

[GRUNTING]

Oh, oh, if she sees this mess,
she'll k*ll me.

I'd better get rid of it.

Ah, in here with it.

Never saw a piano
with so much junk in it.

Ooh!

She'll k*ll me
if she sees this.

Oh.

She'll never know
the difference.

Hello.

You wrecker.

Oh. Your ring.

That will pay
for the damage to my piano.

There must be a way
to get that ring

without getting into trouble
with the censor.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Shh.

MOE:
Sweetheart.

Open the door.
I forgot my key.

Oh, it's my husband.
But I thought

you were separated.
We were. He was on a trip.

That's separated,
isn't it?

Yeah--
Oh, he's terribly jealous.

If he finds you here,
he'll k*ll you.

If you think I'm afraid,
you're right.

Where will I hide?

Upstairs.
In the bedroom.

Ah, darling.

I'm sorry, honey.
I must have forgot my key.

Boy, are you a sight
for sore eyes.

Oh, well.

Uh, you-- You got home early,
didn't you?

Yes, I flew.

And are my arms tired.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm expecting a wire.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

A tiger.

A boy said you told him
to clean and press this suit.

Whose is it?
Um--

Who are you hiding?

Well--
Never mind,

I'll find him myself.
Oh.

Now, now, now, honey.
I'll m*rder him.

Please, no, listen.

JANE:
Moe, listen. Believe me.

MOE:
Well, I don't believe you.

Moe.
Put down that g*n.

I will
if I don't find that rat.

Ah-ha. The bed.

Moe, there's nobody here.

Why are you looking
under the bed?

Because that's where I hide
when I-- What am I saying?

What?
Never mind, I'll find him.

Oh, the closet.

I'll get that home wrecker.
JANE: Please. Listen to me.

Please, please.
MOE: I'll find him.

He must be amongst
these clothes.

JANE:
Moe I told you,
there is nobody here.

Liar.

MOE:
Well, that's not my suit.

And I'm gonna find
the guy that it fits.

Oh, Moe.

Moe, please listen to me.

I ain't listening to nobody.
Oh!

Shut up!

How tall was he?

Oh, he was about --

Moe, I tell you,
there's nobody here.

Now, relax and sit down.

MOE:
Now listen.

Oh, now, Moe, baby.

Lie down and relax.

You're getting all upset
for nothing.

Well, maybe you're right.

Why, certainly.
You're being silly.

You know I wouldn't have another
man in this apartment.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

I'll get you, you rat!

[SCREAMING]
[g*nsh*t]

I ran blocks.

Got pinched for masquerading
as a woman.

And I had to pay $ fine.

How do you like that?
Oh, I hate women.

I don't blame you, Shemp.
Fifty dollars' fine, oh.

Hey, there's Charlie.

Let's say hello.

All the dame wants
is diamonds.

Two karat, karat--

Hi, Charlie.
Hello, Charles.

Oh, hi, fellas. Say,
I want you to meet a new member.

This is, uh--
[GASPS]

Why, you rat.

Oh!

Oh, yeah?
Who do you call a rat, eh?

Oh!
I'm sorry,

Charlie, boy.
Oh, a wise guy, huh?

[GRUNTS]

I'm sorry, there.
Oh, you wanna fight, eh?

Get out of here.

I'll brain you.

[MOE AND LARRY ARGUING
INDISTINCTLY]

[SCREAMING]

You fellas--

Help. Help.

[GURGLING]

Oh, Moe. Moe.

Wait, I'll get you
out of it.

Hold still.

Moe. Moe.

Can I do something?
Can I get you a glass of water?

A truck hit me.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Oh! Oh!

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Well, what a pleasant
surprise.

Jane.
The diamond kid.

Yes.
Oh, this is wonderful.

Long time no see.
Where've you been?

Well, I've been around.

Oh! What are you doing?

What are you doing?
What?

[SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

Oh, please!
Oh, no!

Now cut that--

[SHEMP AND LARRY CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]