18x03 - Don't Throw That Kn*fe

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[ALL HUMMING AND WHISTLING]

Hold it.

Right here's where we
start to take the census.

I'll question the first one so
you guys can get the hang of it,

then you'll take
the lower floors.

Hey, incidentally, you fellas
remember what you were taught?

Well, I...
Yeah, you...

He...
I see, you don't remember.

Well, we'll have to rehearse.

Larry, you play
the part of the husband,

you play his wife.

Oh, no. I wouldn't
be his wife.

Why not?
You're not my type.

Ooh!
All right, come on.

Get in there and pretend
this is your house.

Come on.
Get a move on.

Get going in there.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh!

SHEMP:
Come in.

Oh, pardon me, madam,

I was looking for
my two partners.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning,
what is your name, please?

Shempetta Howard.

Well, married or single?

Married. This is
my husband, the rat.

Cut it out.

Tell me, sir,
have you any children?

No children.

Where were you born, madam?

In the hospital.

Hospital?

Yes, I wanted
to be near my mother.

Is this your home state?

No, we're from the South.

Yowser.
Hallelujah...

Um... Uh... Uh...

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, please.

What part of the South?

Montreal, Canada.

Mighty pretty country
around there.

That's the home
of the wild gooses

and the mooses, and the meeses...

And the mouses.
Come on, get going. Get out.

Hurry up, now,
and let's get going.

We got plenty of work
to do here.

SHEMP:
Oh, all right.

By the way,
where's our credentials?

In the safe.
Oh.

What safe?
In here.

Larry, open it.

[HUFFS]

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]

April fool.
It's a musical powder box.

[LAUGHS]

What do you know,
a musical powder box.

[LAUGHING]
Well...

Musical powder. I'll get
the credentials myself.

[KAZOO WHEEZES]
Ah... Ah... Ah...

What is that?
I rigged that up myself.

Boy, looks real natural.

And it's got baby-blue eyes.

[CACKLES]

April fool.

[LAUGHING]

Here, hold that.
Thank you.

There's powder on it...
Oh! Oh!

Hey, leave him alone, you...

Quiet. Come on,
we gotta get to work.

Clean him up, clean him up.

That's it, clean him up good.

Oh, oh.
There you are.

Now, which way do we go?

Where is everybody?
Oh, here he is.

Hello. All right.

All right,
here's your book back.

All right.
I'm all set.

Here, here.

[SPITS]

All right, come on, get busy.
We gotta earn some money.

Money, ah, money shrinks.

So do you

every time you
get near a bathtub.

Remember, we're census takers,

not ordinary idiots.

That's right.

[KNOCKING]

How do you do?
I don't want any.

Wait a minute.
We're census takers.

[SOBBING]
Oh, what have I done

to deserve this?

[SOBBING]

Here you go, lady.

Ooh!

Very well.
Walk this way.

You must excuse my place.
We just moved in.

Sure.

[COUGHS]

MOE:
what is your name, please?

Wyckhoff.

Irritation in the throat.

[COUGHING, CLEARING THROAT]

Uh, as I said before,
your name, please.

[COUGHING]
Wyckhoff.

Because he don't
brush his teeth, lady.

Quiet.

[COUGHS]

Your name, please.

Wyckhoff.

Excuse him, lady,
he's got a frog in his throat

from eating toadstools.

[LAUGHS]

Ouch! Ouch! Oh!
Let go of my ear.

You'll give me earesephilis.

Then quit clowning.

Oh!

You asked me my name.

It's Wyckhoff.
Lucy Wyckhoff.

Are you married?
Yes.

And I'm terribly upset
and frightened.

Why?
My husband's insanely jealous.

He almost k*lled a man.

The man merely spoke to me.

Adios.
Toodle-loo.

Goodbye.
We're gone.

Come back here.

We're not finished, you cowards.

Ooh!
Now, get busy.

All right, what does
your husband do?

He's an expert in legerdemain.

Lederdemain... Oh, a bookkeeper.

No, he's a prestidigitator.

Oh, a pants presser?

Are you guys ignorant?

Didn't you hear the lady say?

He presses refrigerators.

Oh.
Oh.

No, no, no.

We do an illusion act
in vaudeville.

He's a magician.
He makes things disappear.

I got an uncle who can
make things disappear.

Is he a magician?
No, he's a kleptomaniac.

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

[LOUD CRASH]

What's the matter with...?

[GASPS]

No.

Oh!

[BARKS]

MOE:
Ah... Ah...

[SNICKERS]

Ooh!

Hey, Moe, Moe.

Look in there.

Okay.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS, GASPS]

[GASPS]

Oh!

Hey, Larry,
it can't be. Larry.

[CHEEPS]

[GASPS]

Moe!

Moe!

What's the matter?
I saw a freak in there.

He snapped at me.
Oh, he scared me.

You idiot,
you're looking at yourself.

How do you like that?
I always scare myself.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on.

Oh, I went to get my hat.

What are you doing?
Come on, here.

Get something done around here.

Oh, you fools,

you ruined my trick mirror.
That's part of my act.

We're sorry, lady.
Get on with your business

before I throw you out of here.

Ah, nobody loves a census taker.

Come on, we'll get this
over in a hurry.

Oh!

What happened here? Get up.
What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry,
that's a trick chair.

It's also part of my act.

That chair's got weak knuckles.

Now, the first
question will be...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Uh, excuse me, please.

Did you get anything?

No.
Neither did I.

Who...? Who is it?
MAN: Well, it's me.

Who were you expecting?

J-just a minute, dear.

You know, we're getting
no place fast.

It's my husband.

Hide in the bedroom, quickly.

If he finds you here,
he'll k*ll all of us.

We'd better get someplace, fast.

Hey, what's the idea?

I'm sorry, dear,
I had to shut off the oven.

Oh?

The window.

[ALL SCREAM]

Easy, kid, easy.
Come here.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

[DOOR SLAMS]
[GASPS]

What was that?

Oh, it was just... Just the wind.

Yeah? The wind don't walk,
and I heard footsteps.

Well, he won't get out of here.

[WHIMPERS]

[SIGHS]

There.
You and your suspicions.

Oh, okay, okay. Say,
we'd better get a little shuteye

before we get to the theater.

Remember, we got a couple extra
performances to do.

All right.

[SCREAMS]

Oh! Oh!
What's the matter?

I'm sick. Oh!
You're sick?

Yes. Must be something I ate.
What's the matter?

Get me a hot water bottle.

Hot water bottle.
Hot water bottle.

I remember, I left it
here in the closet.

[SCREAMING]
No! No!

No, get me an aspirin
in the bathroom.

In the bathroom.
Okay, I'll get it for you.

[LUCY MOANING]

Shh!

[WHISPERING]
Now, listen, you gotta get out.

I'm coming, dear.

[WHISPERING]
Scram.

Ooh! Ooh!

Uh, here you are, darling.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, boy, am I ever tired...
[PILL CLACKING]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I feel fine now, dear,
thank you.

Ooh! Ooh, my knee.

Oh, oh, ooh, my knee.

Oh!

Confound that trick chair.

[MOANING]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'll get rid of that chair.

[GRUNTING]

There.

[BED SPRINGS SQUEAL]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SNORING]

[WHISPERING] Hey.
[GASPS]

You fool.

If he finds you here,
he'll k*ll you.

If he finds me here,
I deserve to get k*lled.

Oh!

Tell him I'm your aunt.

[SCOFFS]

[LOUD CRASH]

[SIGHS]

Oh, darling,
I'm sorry I suspected you,

but, well, you know how much
I love you.

Well, won't you tell me
you'll forgive me?

[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
I forgive you, dear.

How about giving Daddy
a little kiss, huh?

Come on, honey,
give me a little kiss.

Ouch!

[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
Ouch.

Darling, you're rough.

You hurt little me.

Hello.
Hello.

Ooh!

[GRUNTING]

She did have a man in here.

Ooh!

[SCREAMS]

Two men!

I'll k*ll them,
that's what I'll do.

I'll k*ll them.

Ah...! Ooh...

Three men!

[WHISPERING]
Wyckhoff is after us.

Give him the works.

It's Larry.

Come on, come on, hey, hey,
come on, let's get out of here.

It's locked.

Quick, we'll hide in the box.

[ALL GASP]

Shh!

[SCREAMS]

Ha!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Now, wait a minute.

Stop or I'll sh**t.

I'll fill you full of lead.

Okay, you asked for it.

[POP]

Ah! Ah!

No.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

There were three of you.
Where's the third home wrecker?

So you won't talk, eh?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Are you gonna talk?

Moe?

Ah, ah, ah.
Don't you dare.

Don't you dare do anything

to endanger the lives of others.

When you drive, drive carefully.

Ah...

[SCREAMS]

Ooh! Ooh!

[WHIMPERING]

Throw him in the box.
Here.

We'll take him to the police

and charge him
with attempted m*rder.

Hey, wait a minute,
this is pretty light.

[ALL WHIMPER]

Now I've got you.

Well, what have you got to say?

Make mine fried.

[LOUD POPS]

Why, you! I'll...

Scram!

[♪♪♪]