15x08 - Mummy's Dummies

[bunniefuu]

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[♪♪♪]

[HAMMER BANGING]

Come on, you guys.
Step on it.

We gotta get rid
of this jalopy today.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

My goodness.
How'd your face get so dirty?

Like this.

[SPITTING]

Now, cut out the nonsense.
Help me with the wheel.

[GASPS]

Say, Moe, I think this tire
needs a recap.

So does your head.
Ooh.

Hold the wheel steady.

[PUFFS]

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

You missed me. Ah.

[GRUNTS]

Go get him.

SHEMP:
Ah, good morning, sir.

Something in a nice, clean,
used chariot?

Well, I did...
Ah, good. Step right this way.

Something in a used chariot
for this gentleman.

Yes, sir.
How do you do, sir?

I'm Honest Moe, that's
Honest Shemp, and that's...

That's Larry.

Now, this puppy
is in wonderful condition.

Yes, it's our ready-to-own
special for today.

Belonged to an old couple
in Babylon.

All they did was drive it up to
the Temple of !sis once a week.

That's the original paint job.

Original paint?

Uh, did you notice
the black sidewall tires?

Knee action too. Heh.
Never knew it had it.

You can't buy a chariot
for half the money

over at Mad Man Rameses.
Heh, heh.

Wonderful condition.

The best buy on the lot.

Only shekels.

What do you say?

Well, it seems to me you're
asking an awful lot of money.

Howdy. Howdy, boys.

Howdy.

Oh, nice-looking chariot, sonny.

What do you want for it?

I'm afraid you're a little late.

We promised to sell it
to this sucker... Uh.

This gentleman here
for shekels.

Give you five.
Six.

Seven.
You can have it.

Whoa. Wait a minute.
Now, look...

Yes, I have one, anyway.
You saw it first.

We'll stick to our original
bargain: shekels.

Well... Thank you.

Here's your receipt.
There's your chariot.

Come on. Help him out with it.
Let's go.

Up she goes.

LARRY:
Yep. There we go.

MOE:
There we go.

SHEMP:
Right away, lads.
Right away.

If that chariot doesn't do
everything we claimed for it,

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

[LAUGHS]

Original paint!

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

Open up, you swindlers!

He'll get tired of that
quick enough.

Oh!

Oh.

There we are:
shekels apiece.

Hey, that's for you.

You said it's gonna be
an even split.

Yeah, right down the skull.

Heh! He never knows
when I'm kidding.

Yeah.

[BONES CRUNCH]
Ah!

Ooh!

RADAMES:
So you dare swindle the chief
of the palace guards?

The cops. Scram.

LARRY: Whoa.
MOE: Come on.

[ALL MUTTERING]

MOE:
Wait. Wait a minute.
I know...

RADAMES: Take 'em.
MOE: I know...

RADAMES:
The king shall hear of this.

I'm gonna get myself
a cheap lawyer.

RADAMES:
To the palace with them.

How dare you bring me
this miserable report,

when I suffer like a dog
with a toothache?

But Your Highness...

Silence!

Collection of taxes
percent off.

How do you explain that?

Well, Your Highness,
there was a crop failure,

a flood on the Nile,
and there were other...

Enough.
Floods or no floods,

you're supposed
to collect my taxes.

This is disgraceful.

Ooh!

Oh.

Away.

Enter, Radames.

Kneel to the mighty
Rootentooten.

Oh.

Hail to the ruler
of the sun and the moon.

Oh.

Well?

Who are these sand fleas?

Your Highness, they swindled me.

I demand their lives.

I paid them shekels
for a chariot,

and it fell apart the moment
I left their establishment.

Eee-eee.

You got me covered.

I have no time for trifles.

Throw them to the crocodiles.

[STOOGES GROAN]

And, Radames, find somebody who
will cure this cursed toothache.

This is our chance.

If we can pull his tooth,

they may not toss us
to the crocodiles.

Yeah, but how are we
gonna do it?

You've got the tools.
What have we got to lose?

My head.
Like he was sayin',

what have we got to lose?
Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Your Highness,
this lad will fix you up.

He's known as Painless Papyrus.

See? He has his delicate
instruments with him.

Surely Your Highness will not
permit these charlatans...

I'll try anything.

Oh, my tooth is k*lling me.
Uh...

Come forward, knaves.

But I warn you, if you fail,

you'll die , deaths.

He never fails.
Ready, doc?

Right, all right.

Right. Right.
Right. Right.

Where did everybody go?

Oh.

MOE:
All right. Folks,
give me a little elbow room.

Take a powder, kids.

Oh.
Psst. Psst. Psst.

Psst.

Where does it hurt, king?

[MUFFLED]
Back here.
I think it's this one.

Oh, a rear "bicuspidor."
We'll have it out in a minute.

Do your stuff, doc.

[INHALES]

[GROANING]
Oh, no!

[MOANING LOUDLY]

MOE:
Come here.

ROOTENTOOTEN:
Ungh! No.

Hey, Moe. Take it easy.
Look, the doc can't work

when you got your mouth closed.
You gotta open it, like this.

Ow!

[TOOTH SQUEAKING]
Oh! Oh! Oh!

[TOOTH POPS]

[ROOTENTOOTEN GRUNTING]
[GASPS]

I got it. Moe, I got it.

I...

Hm?

Well, what do you know?
A vacancy.

I...

I'm sorry.
I'll put it back.

Get away.

Here. Come on.

Now, there. That didn't hurt,
did it, Your Majesty?

Well, then open your mouth.

Come on, fellas.
Now's our chance. Hurry up.

[TEETH CRUNCH FINGERS]
Ow!

[GRUNTING]

Oh.

[MOANING]

[CARTILAGE CRUNCHES]
[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Your Highness.

Your Highness.
Oh.

[ALL GRUNTING]

My tooth.
King size.

The pain is gone.

Oh. They've cured me.

Unhand them. They're free.

These men deserve a reward.

Invest them
as royal chamberlains.

But Your Highness... Do as I say!

Did he say royal chambermaids?

No, chamberlains.
He wants us to stick around

and look after things.

Yeah, suppose he has
a toothache again?

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Hee-hee-hee!
Not bad.

Not good.

Oh.

Did you see him hit
a royal chambermaid?

[TITTERING]

[SPUTTERS]

Some grape.

Boy, this is sure better
than the used-chariot racket.

Yeah, if I could only get used
to these fine feathers.

Oh, thank you.

Boy, have this peeled

and brought back
as soon as possible.

[FINGERNAIL TWANGS]
Oops. Be careful.

That's me under that nail.

Say, it must be time
for the king's afternoon nip.

Where's the wine cellar, honey?

Third dungeon corridor,
first door to your right.

Thanks.

Some perfume, sister.

What brand do you use?
Sphinx.

I know, but what brand
do you use?

Coming, Moe.

Coming.

So you see, Radames,
I did collect the tax money.

I simply forgot
to turn this part in.

Very clever.

And using the tomb of old King
Putandtakeit was sheer genius.

It was, Radames,
even if I say so myself.

And, uh, look.

Hey, the babe said it's
the first door on the right.

Right.

I said the dame said it's
the first door on the right.

Right.

[CHUCKLES]

Shemp. Shemp.

Yes.

This guy don't know
his right from his left.

When I say go,
we all point to the right.

Go.

[GROWLS]
Oh, ambidextrous, eh?

[BOTH MUTTERING]

Perhaps you should know,
Tutamon,

the king suspects you
of withholding taxes.

In fact, he has ordered me
to watch you.

I know.

That's why I'm giving you
a share of the loot.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh!

RADAMES:
Grab him. Seize him.

[GROANS]

Open this...!

[ALL SHOUTING]

STOOGES:
Ah!

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

RADAMES:
Guards!

Get those men, dead or alive!

Search every room in the palace!

Hold.

Hail, wise oracle.

Which way did those knaves go?

[MUFFLED]
They went thataway,
and that ain't no bull.

Psst. Psst.

Come on.

Now, let's take a looking
in there again. Come on.

Hm. That's funny.

Ow!

[MOANS]

Ouch.

Nothin' in there.

Heh.
Good old Putandtakeit.

He sure was an ugly old cuss.

[INAUDIBLE]

[WHEEZES]

Ah... Ah...

Achoo!

[BODY THUDS]

Ooh!
Oh, Moe.

Moe, I didn't know it was you.

A natural enough mistake,
my lad.

You know it now.
Ooh!

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

[EXCLAIMS]

Get back.

[METAL CLANGS]

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Whoa.

We cannot allow those rascals
to get to the king.

They won't.

Check the main corridor.

I'll wait here.

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Ooh.

[GRUNTS]

[BODY THUDS]

Radames.

Boing.
Ah.

Oh!

[YELLING]

BOTH:
Ha, ha, ha. Ah!

Ouch!

[EXHALES]

Ah.

[WRAPPINGS SPOOLING]

You shall pay for this.

MOE:
Hold everything, king.
Don't sh**t.

LARRY: Come on.
Here we are.

To the rescue.

What is the meaning of this?

Wait a minute, king.
We have a surprise for you.

Here is your tax money.

And there are the fellows
that held it out on you.

Splendid. Splendid.

Again I'm indebted to you.

One of you shall have
my daughter's hand in marriage.

LARRY:
Oh, I'm the one.

Hey, wait a minute.
Hold it.

I'm the first chambermaid,
ain't I?

I'll settle this.
Pardon me.

Just a minute.

Call in the princess.

[STOOGES GASP]

Ain't this the princess?

Oh, no.

She's only a sl*ve.

[CLEARS THROAT]

If she's a sl*ve...

STOOGES:
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

[STOOGES SQUEALING]

This is my daughter.

[GIGGLES]

[ALL YELP]

Let the lucky man
take one pace forward.

Congratulations, my son.

What's the matter with him?

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Moe! Larry! Do something!

[SIGHS]
Oh.

Do some... Do some...

[CHOKES]

BOTH: Oh.
SHEMP: Moe.

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