19x07 - Cuckoo on a Choo Choo

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[TELEGRAM TICKING]

ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]:
Newsflash!

A railroad car named Schmow,

which was lost,
strayed or stolen,

is being sought
by railway detectives.

Mystery surrounds
the disappearance of this car,

which has been missing
for several days.

Ace railroad detective,
Moe, is on the trail

and results
are expected momentarily.

[TURNS RADIO OFF]

They'll never find us.

Gosh, sis, how long do we have
to stay here in this car?

Until we get
that Sleeping Beauty

back there to marry you.

[MUTTERING]

Uh, why does your older
sister have to get married

before you can marry me?

It's an old family tradition.

And besides,
he's filthy with money.

Aw, he's filthy with or without.

Just the same with his money,
we'll live on easy street.

You don't think
he'd marry this beanpole?

[SOBBING]

How dare you insult my sister,
you... You porcupine.

What'd I say now?
Aw, shut up.

Why you...

Come back here.
[SHIRT TEARS]

Oh, who you telling to shut up?

You. And furthermore, how'd you
like to have a bust in the nose?

And who's gonna give it to me?

I'm gonna give it to you,
right in the...

Baby.

Sweetheart.

[SHEMP SNORING]

I'm sorry, darling.

I'll see what I can
do with that sleeping beauty.

[SNORING]

I'm sh*t.

Or have sh*t
or I ought to be sh*t.

Oh, I guess I'll have a sh*t.

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GAS WHIZZING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[HORNS HONKING]

Horrible. But I like it.

Listen, Shemp, why don't you
sober up and marry Roberta?

No soap. Not me.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

Something's wrong.

I've been robbed.

Hey, there.

Whew.

At last, I've found her.

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Little brown jug, where are you?

I know.

Ow.

[GROANS]

Ah-ah, there you are, boy.

Why, you double-crosser, you.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Roberta and Lenore
come here, quick.

I seen a guy snooping out there.

I think we're in trouble...
Oh, here he is.

Roberta, darling.

Roberta, darling
you're a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, Moe.

At last, I've found you.
Oh.

I've searched the world over,
and at last I've found her.

What thrills,
what bliss, what ecstasy.

Darling, kiss me.

Get outta here.

Why did you turn me down?
Why won't you marry me?

[SOBBING]

You, come along
with me quietly, you car-napper.

No, wait a minute.

First, tell me how
did you manage

to steal a car
from a rolling train?

That's a secret
I'll tell nobody, never.

And if I was you, I wouldn't be
in such a hurry to arrest me.

Why not?

There's a guy on this train
that's crazy about Roberta.

And if you don't wanna lose her,

you'd better play ball with me.

Wait a minute.

How did you know I had a ball?

[GROANS]

Come on, now you...
[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHEMP GULPING]

[GAS WHIZZING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[HORNS HONKING]

That's him.

[NOSE CRACKLES]

Listen, mug, you trying
to b*at my time with Roberta?

[LARRY GULPING]

[GAS WHIZZING]

[BELLS RINGING]

LARRY:
Horrible, but I needed it.

Oh.

Now, listen, mug...

Shh, wait.

But, why do you...

Quiet.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Carrie, my darling canary.

[HICCUPS]

[BIRD STOPS]

I been looking all over for you.

[SQUEAKING]

Gosh, I'm glad
to see you, sweetheart.

Who are you talking to?

Ain't you got eyes?

My canary.

Boy, I've heard of guys
seeing pink elephants

but never canaries.

Hello, baby.

Gosh, you look prettier
than ever, ha.

[CHIRPING]

But you're the one I love.

[CHIRPING]

♪ Oh, Carrie, my dear
I love but you ♪

[BIRD WHISTLING]

Hey, that rum-pot thinks
he's dancin' with somebody.

Yeah, give me that jug.
Maybe I'll think so too.

Save a waltz for me.

Aw.
Ah.

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

Boy, this stuff
has really got a kick.

You too, eh?

Hey, what's the idea
of kicking me?

Oh-oh-oh.

Now, you've chased Carrie away.

[SOBBING]

Aw, shut up.

You ain't kiddin'
me with that stuff.

And furthermore,
you stay away from Roberta.

She's my girl.

Put your hand on your chin,
your knee up here.

[CRIES OUT]

That's okay with me.

I don't want her.

Oh, she's not good enough
for you, eh?

[GROANING]

Oh, okay, okay
then I'll take her.

Oh, you're trying
to cut me out again, eh?

Up here, again.

[CRIES OUT]

[MOE CRASHING, YELLING]

Who turned out the lights?

SHEMP:
Just a minute, pal.

Come on. Come on,
get up there.

[GROANS]

Take it easy, now.

Get it up there.

That a boy.

Ow. Oh, my head.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, I'll take care of this, kid.

Oh, you got dandruff.

That's all right.

[GROWLS]
I'll clean it up.

Just take it easy.

Ahh.

Wise guy, huh?

Hey.

Now, let's see where were we?

Right here.
Ow.

Where's Carrie?

Here, Carrie.
Carrie. Carrie.

I know you boys
are just gonna love

these fresh Limburger sandwiches
and nice cold beer.

Oh, boy, Limburger.
My favorite fruit.

If we only had some applesauce.

Mmm.

Boy, is this stuff potent.

[POPS]
Ow.

Umm.

What's the matter with you?

[GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

[GULPING]

[HICCUPS]

Boy, it's hot in here.

They ought to bury this.

[CRUNCHES]

[WHIMPERS]

[MOANS]

[SWALLOWS HARD]

[FOOD SPLASHES INTO STOMACH]

[SIGHS]

Cheese has no flavor
if you can't smell it.

[SNIFFING]

Wow, what a flavor.

[SNIFFS]

Yeah, it's getting
stronger every second.

That's Limburger.

Yeah, but what's on it?

Fish meal.

Fish meal?

I'll fix that.

Put some of this perfume on it.

Hey, don't spoil my sandwich
with that stinky stuff.

I've got a weak stomach.

Oh?

[CRIES OUT]

How do you like it?

Why, you...

[CRIES OUT]

Hmm, pretty good.

Oh, a p*ssy cat.

Nyah.

That's no p*ssy cat,
you imbecile, that's a skunk.

So if it's a... Skunk!

Whoa!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh. Oh.
Get rid of it.

I will... Watch yourself.

Oh.
[GRUNTING]

I don't want it.

Oh.
I don't want it.

[GROANING]
Nyah.

SHEMP:
Moe. Moe.

[GROANS]

Moe.

Hold still. Hold still.

I'll k*ll it.

Sorry, kid, sorry.
[COUGHS]

Say a few syllables.

Tell me your name
so I can tell your mother.

My mother knows my name.

Get away. Come on.
Wait a minute.

MOE:
Snap out of it.

[SIGHS]

[HICCUPS]

How do you like that.
Wet matches.

Shemp'll never propose to me.

There, there, dear,
I'll go have a talk with him.

[SOBBING]

[NOSE HONKS]

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GAS WHIZZING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[HORNS HONKING]

Horrible.

[HICCUPS]
But delicious.

Oh, Shemp, why do you always
drink twice too much?

To get rid of my red nose.

But how can you get
rid of a red nose by drinking?

Drink till it turns blue.

[LAUGHING]

That's a dilly, ain't it?

Hey, pal,

I got an idea how you can
get Roberta to marry you.

Yeah?
Follow me.

LENORE:
Shempie, dear,

what you need is a wife
to straighten you out.

And I know someone
who's very close to you

and loves you dearly.

Gosh, this is so sudden.

I didn't know you cared.

Why didn't you tell me?

Baby, whoopee.

SHEMP:
I love you, you know.

Oh. Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, baby, you send chills
up and down my spine.

[WHIMPERING]

[CLUCKING]

[SHEMP KISSING]

Hey, hey, hey.

That's my girl.

Nobody kisses her but me.

Oh, that's what you think.

Sit down, you might
learn something.

Ooh.

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

What chills. What thrills.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

Wait a minute.

You can't kiss my girl.

b*at it, has-been.

You're turned down, again.

Get out of here, you two-timer.

[GROWLS, SOBS]

You, too, you three-timer.

[LAUGHING]

Oh.
Oh.

[MOE, LARRY GROANING]

[CUCKOO CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, what a man.

I think I'll marry him.

Over my dead body.

Why, you, double-crosser.
[CRIES OUT]

Why you...

[LAUGHING]
ROBERTA: Let go of my hair.

Are you my sister
or are you a stranger?

Don't do that to me.

[RAZOR STOPS BUZZING]

Oh. Oh.

[GROANS]

[NURSERY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GULPING]

[GAS WHIZZING]

[HORNS HONKING, BELLS RINGING]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Carrie, baby, my bird.

Sweetie pie, will
you fly away with me?

[WHISTLING]

[CUCKOO CHIRPING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[♪♪♪]