04x03 - No Age

[bunniefuu]

Mm.

Gave us a load of free ones
'cause I told them that it's...

- Told them what?
- Mm-mm.

Just... how much we like condiments. Mm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- This is nice.
- Hmm.

[WORKER] Two haddock, one saveloy!

Oh. Oh, this is good fish.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Batter's good and all.

And the chips.

- Good chips. Good, um...
- Good color.

Thank you. Not too pale.

Look, you all wanted me to do something,

so this is something
we're doing, so let's just

get this done and forget about it, okay?

Move on. Great.

But, Mum, your th
birthday, though, isn't...

Can you... You don't
need to keep saying it.

- What?
- The f*cking number, Luke.

You know what? f*cking .

Can you pass me one of the
billion vinegars, please?

Thanks very much. For f*ck's sake.

[WORKER] Uh, two fish pies, one cod roe!

Would have thought you'd have
a bit of fish today, Luke.

- Special occasion.
- He's a vegetarian.

Mm. Fish, though. I mean...

Fish actually grieve their dead.

- Do they?
- They release a stress hormone.

Jesus Christ, Luke.

Sorry. Hasan says it's your th, love.

Happy birthday.

- Well...
- [HASAN] Happy birthday!

The big - ! Yay!

Hey, thanks, everyone.

[HASAN] One steak pie, two cod!

- You gonna try 'em on?
- I'm mid gingernut.

Well, I can't stand looking
at those other things anymore.

They turn my stomach.

There's nothing wrong with these.

They make you look like you never bathe,

like a hippie or a squirrel.

You can wear your new shoes
to your th party, Granddad.

There's not enough
time to break them in.

Brogues are notoriously stiff.

No one's ever run a marathon in Brogues.

We're getting our photo taken tomorrow.

They've got a photographer
coming in. Professional.

He took one of those photos
of Dodi and Diana on the boat,

but he mainly does
this sort of thing now.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'll get it.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.

Oh. Holly. I'm here to do Jim's hair.

Am I coming in, or is
he gonna stick his head

around the door, and I'll do it here?

Oh, sorry.

Uh... Okay. Your vehicle
breaks down in a tunnel.

- Spooky.
- What would do you do first?

A, get out of the car
and stand behind it

to show other drivers
that you're not moving?

Obviously not. That is... That's mental.

B, switch on your hazards and
call your breakdown company.

[HORN HONKS]

- All right, sh*t.
- Okay. Please pass, Luke.

Please. I just... I don't
wanna be one of those mums

that gives birth on the floor of a bus.

Don't worry. I will pass.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

Okay.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Thanks for this.

You're welcome, mate. Mate,
do... do you want to drive?

Um, no, I should... I'll
keep revising in the car.

- Right.
- [SIGHS]

Okay.

It's quite a process.

She's gonna blast me ends in
a minute with the men's dryer.

I got a special hair dryer for the guys.

They got stronger
hair, haven't they, men?

Only need a little
breeze for the ladies.

Knock 'em over, otherwise.

I'm just gonna walk round the perimeter.

One of the great English walks, that.

[AVA] Bye, Granny.

- and some shrapnel.
- Oh.

I'm afraid the accumulator
didn't come up, though.

Hey, quid's not bad
at all. Thanks, Holly.

I can't get to the bookies'
now, so Holly goes for me.

Okay. This whole thing
makes more sense now.

What?

He's only got, like, eight hairs.

- Ooh.
- And I'm working my magic

on all eight of them,
thank you very much.

- She can do yours after.
- But only eight?

Yeah, you've got to pick your favorites.

[CHUCKLES]

You got great hair. I
could do yours for real.

I'm always after people to
practice on for sixth form.

Thank you, Holly.

Holly's helpin' organize
my th birthday party.

You two should swap numbers.

Chat sausage rolls
and quiche and whatnot.

Yeah, go on then. Stick
your number in there.

- [SIGHS] Buckle up, Jim.
- [HAIR DRYER TURNS ON]

And you've come to us via the...

Inimitable Darren?

Ah, yeah. There can only
be one Darren, thank God.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- [WATCH BEEPS]
- And he's your business partner?

- Silent partner?
- I mean, silent's the goal.

Yeah, if I can get him to
shut up for five minutes.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Oh, your coffee.
- Gosh.

Mm.

Wow. Thanks.

Thank you. Thanks.

Ooh.

Is that for me, too? Thanks. Thanks.

It's lovely.

Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

- [WATCH BEEPS]
- Please.

So, we're super keen to
throw open the doors here,

get as much wisdom in
the room as possible.

Sorry. You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I was...

I'm just gonna let
it cool down for a bit

'cause it's very, very,
very hot. [CHUCKLES]

- What we're excited by...
- [WATCH BEEPING]

is the sheer breadth of your experience.

We think that that is something

- we could really feed from here.
- [WATCH BEEPS]

Great. Well, I would love to, um...

well... [STAMMERS] feed
you, I suppose. [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]
- That's great.

- Mm.
- Yeah. She's great.

- Yeah.
- [WATCH BEEPS]

Mmm, that smells complicated.

- How was it?
- I got it. They love me.

- Oh! Great. Well done.
- [LAUGHS]

They offered me the job on the spot.

They didn't even wanna
see the other candidates.

Ah, mate, well, that calls for a drink.

Uh, Luke has some good news, too.

- Oh, yeah.
- I, uh, I passed my theory.

Oh, Luke, that's amazing.
You must be so relieved.

- Yeah, I am.
- Oh.

Still gotta do my practical, though.

Oh, you'll be fine.

[PAUL] Um, Maya, is apple
juice all right for you?

[MAYA] Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Did you get one of these?

What am I looking at?

It's a walking holiday,
Paul. Look at them.

They seem very happy.

This is my demographic now,

these guys. Swimming costume off.

I'm going on holiday in a
f*cking cagoule now, am I?

Look, just chuck it.

It's junk. I get that
stuff all the time.

- Am I on some sort of register?
- f*ckin' hope not.

Oh, they're gonna try
and sell me a little chair

for the shower next, aren't they?

Oh, sounds f*cking lovely, to be fair.

- [SIGHS]
- I'll take them.

- Yeah.
- Ah, sh*t, just remembered.

I've got to get more booze for
Dad's thing. Drink up. Drink up.

You know he started having
his hair done regularly?

- Mm.
- Can you get a blue rinse

for a bald head?

Holly says no one has them anymore.

They all get this
demi wave thing because

your hair thins as you age.
You lose, like, % volume.

Holly says it's better
just to chop it off

after a certain point.
It's just wisps otherwise.

- Right. Uh...
- Holly's granddad's hairdresser.

Well, not just Granddad's.
She does all of them.

She's paying her way through sixth form.

She's full-time now.
Well, four days a week.

Right. A toast...
[CHUCKLES] to Mum and Luke.

- Aw.
- Mum and Luke.

Yes.

Hey, mate, play your cards right,

you'll be driving her
to work on her first day.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Lovely.

Just look over to me again, Bobby.

How long is this gonna take?

Well, they can't rush it,
Jim. It's a proper portrait.

Portrait? Who am I,
Henry the f*cking VIII?

Hello.

I don't know why you won't
put your new shoes on.

Jesus, Jackie, they're not gonna
get me shoes in it, are they?

- It'll be from the knees up.
- But what if it isn't?

What if it's, you
know, what's it called?

- Full frontal?
- Full length.

- All right, Holly.
- Hello.

I'm gonna give Leslie a quick zhuzh.

She doesn't need a zhuzh.
She needs a defibrillator.

- Hmm.
- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Lovely bow tie.

Be nice for Luke and Ava to
have a proper photo of us.

They've already got one of
us in Mitcham at the carvery.

[SCOFFS] What, and
you'd want that printed

alongside your obituary, would you?

[GASPS] Look, Jimmy's
getting his shoe in it.

Big smile! Excellent.

Oh, I don't know why you
won't put your shoes...

Because they're me
last shoes, aren't they?

I've had these ones seven years,

so the next pair will be me last.

- They're a dead man's shoes.
- Just a pair of shoes.

It's the pair of shoes
I'm gonna be buried in.

Thank you. How's everything?

Well, I'm not burying
you in those old ones.

I'd rather you went in
barefoot or in my slippers.

I can't put the new
ones on, Jackie. Not yet.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Right. Let's
try a fun one, shall we?

- [LAUGHS] That's brilliant.
- Oh, for crying out loud.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Can I have
the next victim, please?

[DOOR OPENS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey. Are... Are they finished?

Oh, no, they're still queuing.

Is Mr. January doing his nude sh*ts?

[LAUGHS] Yes. It's getting
very steamy in there.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I was gonna get a tea

- if you want one.
- Sure.

Susie's back in town! Hooray! [LAUGHS]

What was it? A wedding? Any good?

Oh, six out of . Could do better.

Ooh. God, you forget the
vicar might be judging you.

Well, they didn't bring out
those canapés quick enough.

It's like, I'm not saying long, lads.

- Get the arancini balls movin'!
- [CHUCKLES]

I only started coming
for a bit of extra cash,

but turns out I love old people.

They are excellent,
the ones I know, anyway.

They're just so good at
chilling. Look at 'em.

They've been there for
hours, just lookin', thinkin',

appreciatin' the small things, you know?

Is it possible that they
can't actually get up?

Maybe we should check their pulses.

[LAUGHS] Are you
disrespecting Gwen and Michael?

You're lucky Gwen ain't
got her hearing aids in.

[LAUGHS]

That's all I want.
You know, simple stuff.

Nice house.

Nice girlfriend. Nice dog.

I've always wanted a dog,
but it wouldn't be fair on it.

Living in a city?

- No, living with my dad.
- [LAUGHS]

- So, what you do for fun?
- I don't know.

I've never been great at having fun.

- Maybe I'm too serious.
- Uh, bollocks. You're hilarious.

But I mean, you should have a hobby.

- Like what?
- I don't know. Pick one.

Uh... roller skatin'?

- Roller skatin'?
- Yeah.

I haven't been either, so...

we could... break our legs together?

They're probably done by now,
and I said I... I should go in.

Yeah, okay. Well, I'll...
see you at the party, then.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bag. [CHUCKLES]

- [BARTENDER] Afternoon, love.
- Hi, can I...

- What can I get you?
- A red wine, please.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Darren. Yeah. No, yeah,
it went brilliantly, thanks.

Yeah. Oh, did they? Oh, that's good.

Sorry. What do you mean?

Are you joking me?

You better be f*cking joking me, Darren.

[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]

I don't even think I
should look, really,

you know, until I've passed.

Well, you're not gonna
jinx yourself by staring

at a Renault Clio for minutes.

Sort of want to know who the owner was.

Yeah, you probably don't.

- How we gettin' on?
- Jesus.

Uh, yeah, just looking. Cheers. Yeah.

Yeah, for you, is it?
Little back and forth to uni?

Just want the safest one, really.

- It's, uh, it's for a baby.
- Don't let a baby drive it,

for God's sake. They haven't really got

the hand-eye coordination for that.

- Well, that's exciting stuff.
- Hmm.

Yeah. Congratulations.

So, we're just gonna have
a little, uh, mooch about.

You're gonna wanna look at boot space.

- Gotcha.
- Yeah. Babies need a lot of kit.

- Right. [CHUCKLES]
- Honestly, whether you're

going out for three
hours or three weeks,

- it's the same amount of stuff.
- Yeah.

- Come on. Let's have a look.
- Why did you...

No, we're not buying this one.

You could fit in there, you could,

and he's gonna want
to, isn't he, Dad, hey?

Get a bit of peace and quiet. Come on.

Let's have a poke around
at her insides, shall we?

- I'm gonna f*cking k*ll him!
- Well, I'll be your alibi.

Well, they'll believe
me because privilege.

- And he definitely knew before?
- Yeah, they told him 'cause

they've had sh*t from their HR
guys about ageism or whatever,

so he's wheeled me in like a rescue hag.

They just needed someone
over my... my age.

- Over ?
- [GROANS]

[CHUCKLES] You're gonna
have to say it at some point.

Let's get another
bottles of this, then.

- All right, I'm on it.
- Nearly done.

Did anything grab you back there?

Quite like the idea of
being locked in a boot.

[CHUCKLES] No, me, too.

A cross between a spa and a kidnapping.

- You're driving.
- What?

- Ta.
- No...

[SIGHS]

- You all right?
- Yeah. Just, um... sometimes

feel like my elbows get in
the way. Where... Where...

- Where do you put yours?
- Where do I put them?

- Yeah.
- In the glove compartment.

That way I know where
they are. Oh, right.

He's... He's letting you out,
so do you want to go right here?

- Yeah.
- Great.

[PAUL] Good, good, good. Thanks, mate.

Lovely.

Very good. Very good, mate.

Just pick up your speed a little bit.

Uh, this is a really fast road.

It's not really fast.
It's a... It's a ,

so just... yeah, put...
put your foot down, mate.

Dad, I can't. I need... I need to stop.

Luke, Luke, just calm down. Keep
going straight along this road.

- sh*t. I can't. Dad, I can't.
- No, you don't... Just...

- I... I need to pull over.
- Luke, you don't have

- to pull over, darling.
- Listen to what I'm telling you.

Dad, I can't do it!

Luke, calm the f*ck down
just for a second, mate.

- There's no need to pull over.
- I'm not doing that.

Luke, carry on now. Don't f*cking stop.

[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

You all right?

Can't do it, Dad.

Well, it would help if
you sat in the actual car.

No, I mean, I can't do any of it.

I'm not... I'm not ready.

Well, you're gonna have
to be, aren't you, Luke?

Because it's happening, son,

and it's happening pretty f*cking soon.

So I just... I learn to
drive, and then I get a car,

and then... I'm just a dad then, am I?

Basically, yes.

It's scary. I know. I'm still scared.

That bit never goes.

- All right, what should I say?
- Short and sweet.

Just, "f*ck off."

- Yeah.
- Subject heading. nothing else.

Perfect. That'll just
really freak 'em out.

Your skills are wasted on Jesus.

"f*ck off."

- Send.
- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS]

You don't have to feel ready
for it, 'cause no one does.

You just... uh... You just do it.

You get up in the morning,

and you... you just do it best you can.

And some days it will be...

Uh... well, it'll be f*cking horrific...

[LAUGHS] to be honest with you.

You'll wanna put your
head through a wall, but...

much of the time...

it'll feel magical, mate.

Like you're gonna meet
this little person,

and you are going to lose your mind

in the most brilliant way.

And listen, don't forget, mate,

me and Mum will be with
you every step of the way.

We can still be the grownups
when you need us to be. Okay?

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Now, come on.

Mum said she's had three bottles of wine

and not enough crisps.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER COMPUTER]

- Mm, this bit. Wait, hang on.
- [CAT MEOWS ON VIDEO]

[LAUGHS] Yeah, this is it.

[CELLPHONE BUTTONS CLICKING]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC, MEOWING
CONTINUES ON VIDEO]

- Who are you messaging?
- No one.

You're... You're smiling at your phone.

It's just for Granddad's thing.

Someone from the sheltered housing.

She's called Holly. She's
the hairdresser there.

- She's very funny.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

- What?
- You like her.

What? I don't... No! Stop it.

- Ava!
- It's really nothing, Grace.

Don't make it weird.

[CELLPHONE BUTTONS RESUME CLICKING]

[MESSAGING BLOOPS]

I mean, you are literally

holding your phone to your heart.

- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hi, darling.
- Hi!

- Nice time?
- Ah, so nice.

How's Susie?

- So nice!
- Good.

So nice.

[SEAT BELT CLUNKING]

[ALLY GRUNTS]

You all right?

- Fine.
- [SEAT BELT CLACKING]

- I'm just gonna hold it.
- No, don't hold it. Just...

Ooh! You coming in for a little kissy?

No, 'cause you're %
proof, aren't you, babe?

Right. Can I just get
under your ass? Thank you.

Oh, don't go in it. Ahh!

- [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS AND CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- [SEAT BELT CLICKS]

- [SIGHS] I quit that job.
- Excuse me?

Yeah, I'm not doing that,

looking at me like I'm f*cking ,

and I don't want to work there, anyway.

They've got weird space coffee.

It's very hot in here. Where's
the wind-y window thingy?

There isn't a windy...
When did you quit this job?

Just now. I wrote a really good email.

Susie edited-it-it... it.

- Susie edited it.
- Susie did?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Two piss-heads are better than one.

- Oh, my God! Luke is driving!
- Yeah, uh...

Yep. Don't put him off.
He's doing really well.

- Can you slow it down a second?
- Yeah, please.

[MOANS] I feel a bit sick.

[LAUGHS]

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I love toast.

Give me some toast. I love toast.

I haven't got time to wait for that.

I'll be dead soon, won't I?

Everything's... Oh.

Yes, Queens!

Hi, Ally.

- [LAUGHS]
- Steady.

[ALLY] It's fun.

Is she okay?

Yeah. She's just feeling a bit .

Oh. [MOANS]

Oh, God.

[CHUCKLES] f*ck. And there it is.

The reason that we don't
drink like that anymore.

Oh, God. Was I horrific?

Yeah. No. You... You
were very merry, actually,

for someone who's just
told their new boss

to f*ck off and done a
little sick out the car.

- f*ck. What is wrong with me?
- Ah, nothin'.

I hate turning . I wanna turn back.

Look, I... I wasn't keen
on when it hit either,

but I know this is a cliché.

It's a lot better than the alternative.

Mm.

Everything's going too fast. I can't...

- Yeah.
- [SIGHS]

I sort of feel like
we've had the good bit.

Do you know what I mean? But...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

- I miss Luke.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, I'm gonna be a f*cking grandma.

That just sounds weird.

That's like saying I'm gonna
be a... horse or something.

- Nay.
- [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] f*ck off. Ow. I can't laugh.

Ow. [LAUGHS]

Right, I'm going to pop
out and pick up some things

for Dad's birthday do, okay?

So, just sleep, Shergar. Sleep.

[CHUCKLES]

f*ck off.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[WHEEZES]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Pushes all the air out
of me, tying me laces.

[GRUNTS]

You look very handsome.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Shall we?

- [ALLY] God, it's so quiet.
- [LUKE] Mm.

Old people generally are, I think.

- Luke, do you wanna open it?
- Yes.

- After you.
- Right. Thanks.

- Surprise!
- [CHEERING]

- Oh!
- Happy th.

Oh, my God.

Wow. Okay. Okay.

Two "okay"s? That's
potentially not okay.

This is very brave, Paul.

Yeah, the f*cking adrenaline
walking up the street.

- [SIGHS]
- Uh, look, plus . That's...

- , yeah.
- Yeah.

- That number's not bad, is it?
- Um...

- Ava.
- [AVA] Hello.

Do you hate it?

No, no, I don't hate it.
I love it. It's... It's...

It's brilliant. Thank you.

- Happy birthday, Mum.
- Oh, thanks. [CHUCKLES]

[APPLAUSE]

- Happy birthday.
- [CHUCKLES]

Happy birthday, Jim. [LAUGHS]

Happy birthday, Ally. [CHUCKLES]

They get better as you get older.

- That's a lie. They get worse.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Happy birthday, darling.
- Oh, thank you.

- Mm.
- Thanks so much. Oh. Hey!

Well done, darling,
putting on a brave face.

Put me in one of these places,

- I'll f*cking k*ll you.
- Wow. Good to know. Okay.

[SIGHS]

Thank you. [CHUCKLES] I love you.

I love you, too.

- [RESIDENT] Whoa!
- [RESIDENTS GASP]

Yeah. All right. Don't
all pretend like you're not

all at it like rabbits.
I saw it on Panorama.

Hey, um, listen, I'm... I'm
so sorry for quitting that job.

You just... You can't
put a price on pride.

No, I know. But if you
could put a price on it...

grand for two months' work.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You can't be angry with me, though,

'cause it's my party.

- Okay.
- [LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

- Uh, I'm gonna pick up tea.
- Okay.

- Or a sherry.
- [ALLY LAUGHS]

Hi, Mum.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] . Bloody hell.

It's a lot of years.

[MOUTH FULL] It goes by very
fast, Ava. Lightnin' speed.

You can't hang about.

Got to grab life by
the short and curlies,

if I'm still allowed to say that.

I think you are.

[SINGER VOCALIZING]

[VOCALIZING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

[VOCALIZING GROWS LOUDER]

[VOCALIZING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

Hey.

Hey. Sorry. Just had to get away

from the intense partying for a bit.

Holly, would you like
to go on a date with me?

Yeah. I'd... I'd like that a lot.

Good.

May I kiss you?

You absolutely f*cking may.