01x08 - EV3L1N

[bunniefuu]

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

♪♪

Oh, no!

Ow, ow! Hot!

That was quite a crash, son.

Oh, look at that goose egg.

Where are your parents, sweetie?

- I don't know.

- How old are you?

10, 11?

I-I don't know.

The crash must have rung your bell.

Well, let's start simple.

You got a name?

I don't know!

- I don't know!

- [WANDERING WOMAN] Shh, shh!

Hey, hey, it's okay. Let me help you.

I can help get you home safe.

[GROANING]

Wait!

Fat chance, kid!

Watkin storm's a comin'.

Hey, that's my car!

[YELPING]

[PANTING]

[THUNDER CRACKLING]

♪♪

Who is this assh*le?

Give me those glasses.

The sun's bullying me.

I can't, I'm dyin'.

Say nice things at my funeral.

Take the time to speak

highly of my good deeds.

Man, dudes cannot handle

hangovers for sh*t.

No hangovers in New San Francisco,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, I had this sexy pork

tenderloin last time.

[SMACKING LIPS] God, I can't wait.

I can't wait for a dog.

Nah, too gamey.

What?! No! Not to eat.

Oh.

I always wanted a pet.

You know, like a wolfdog

with three legs named Patrick.

I'm not taking care of a dog.

Nobody asked you to!

Well, we're living together. I mean

What?! Are we living together?

What?! No!

What? No! Why? No!

I mean, like living

together in the same city.

Oh.

You call me to walk your

dog when you're not home,

at your home, and I'm home at my home.

See, two separate homes.

So, that makes two homes.

Hmm.

Unless you want to live together.

- Do you?

- I don't know.

Do you?

You seem like a shitty roommate.

I mean, you can't even share

your f*ckin' sunglasses.

Yeah, I can share my shitty popcorn.

Wow, your aim is so good.

Oh, sh*t! [GASPS]

Is this the infamous photo?

- Hey!

- Dude, what the hell happened?

You were so cute.

- Take it easy with that.

- Oh!

This is the only photo

you have of your past life

and you keep it in your visor.

I think I can handle

holding it for one

sh*t!

I f*ckin' told you to be careful.

Stupid!

Hey, I said stay back with Evelyn

and watch the package.

I can do two things.

[SIGHS]

How old were you in that photo anyway?

How does anyone keep track of that sh*t?

I mean, birthdays, moon phases,

cut your d*ck open and count the rings.

Can we just focus on

finding the picture?

We're running out of day light.

[QUIET] Oh, found it!

Ah-ah, what do you say?

- Don't drop it again.

- Hmm.

[ENGINE STARTING]

Come on, get in the car!

No, no, no, no!

[g*n f*ring]

[GRUNTING]

[g*n f*ring] Ugh!

- [RETCHING]

- [QUIET] f*cking holy men!

[JOHN DOE] g*dd*mn [INDISTINCT]

[GRUNTING]

I can't believe some

f*cking holy men stole our

What the f*ck did you do?

- John.

- f*ck.

♪♪

Okay, we've been walking for an hour

and you haven't said sh*t.

I don't know what else to say, John.

I f*cked up.

If you want to focus on

being mad, then go ahead.

I guess we'll just walk until we die.

♪♪

This isn't the first time I lost Evelyn.

Vultures took her one

time, Necros another time.

Oh, sh*t!

One time I just forgot

where I parked her.

Okay, well, that's stupid.

Yeah, it's stupid, but

every time I've lost her,

she's come back to me.

Then let me help you find her this time.

Please.

Fine.

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

[QUIET] Wait, wait! Where you going?

I'm following the bells.

That's where Evelyn is.

We can't just waltz into

a holy man m*rder-palooza.

You saw what those f*ckers

did to the convoy's milkman.

Evelyn is so close. We

need to go get her back.

And I can't do it by myself.

So, what do you say, partner?

Okay.

Let's go get your car.

- Great.

- What?

We've gotta go get those masks off

those holy men we k*lled

so we can blend in.

Isn't that like an hour that way?

I'm just gonna wait here.

Did you hear me?

He didn't hear me.

Please, please.

Ugh!

- [STOMACH RUMBLING]

- Stomach, shut up!

♪♪

♪♪

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Oh

♪♪

[GROANING]

♪♪

♪♪

[GASPING]

Oh.

Nasty!

Excuse me, sir.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Too bad.

TP, beans

whoa!

Jackpot!

♪♪

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

Sounds like this is it.

I don't love how moist this mask is.

At least your guy didn't have a beard.

I'm gonna be pullin' face

pubes out of my mouth all night.

Ick!

Also, we gotta work on your dude voice.

- Dude voice?

- Yeah.

Holy men. You gotta fit in.

Go deep, let me hear it.

Um

I love k*lling and g*ns, I do.

- Just try not to talk.

- Right-o, governor!

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

[HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN']

[HOLY MAN 1] I'm gonna k*ll you.

Well, I'm gonna k*ll you. Let's do it.

Cool party, huh?

Dinner for the sinner! [CHUCKLING]

Holy sh*t!

How are these guys not dead already?

Stop staring. Just blend in.

My man!

- I want that!

- Too f*ckin' bad!

From one brother to

another, I propose a clash.

[CHUCKLES] Let it begin!

[GRUNTING]

At least they're having a good time.

Uh, he's not.

Holy sh*t!

Maybe he deserved it.

I didn't.

Cool. I hate this place.

[GODDESS JANICE] Kiss my leather!

[YELPING]

- [HOLY MAN] We worship you!

- [JANICE] Bend down.

[YELPING]

Okay, Evelyn has to be here.

So, just blend in with these freaks

until we find her.

Damn, very flexible.

Oh, sh*t! Uh, uh

Oh, bullocks.

Who told you to speak?

Agh!

You like pain?

I love it so much, me lady!

- Damn.

- Good.

Ow.

- The Goddess is pleased.

- [GROANING]

- Cupbearer?

- [CUPBEARER] Yes, Goddess?

Bring forth libations.

Here.

It's chug-a-lug time!

ALL CHANTING: Chug-a-lug!

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

[SIGHING]

[GAGGING]

Nothing like a Jack and coke.

So, wait, why is it crunchy?

That'd be the coke. [LAUGHING]

- It's Preacher.

- It's Preacher.

The preacher's here.

[HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN']

[HOLY MAN] I love you, preacher.

[HOLY MAN] Absolve my sins!

I think the coke is kicking in.

I can't feel my throat.

I'm gonna sh*t myself.

- [GROANING]

- [PREACHER] Night, night.

[LAUGHING]

Which one of you blessed fucks

had seven days in the death pool?

Blessings on you, Krevin! [CHUCKLES]

Victory runs in your veins.

Go on, reward him!

- Here you go.

- [PREACHER] Okay.

Enjoy.

Gods and Goddesses,

it is my honor to be with you again

here in Colorado for

our annual pilgrimage,

The Rocky Mountain f*ck Fest!

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

Now, while we are indulging

in the seven deadly delights,

let us recall our past

and celebrate our futures!

Me? I was a man of God.

sh*t, I was even celibate.

[LAUGHING]

Shut the f*ck up, Krevin.

Oh, okay.

But when the world ended,

God was nowhere to be found.

And I thought, huh! This

fucker's forsaken us.

Right? But then I realized, no!

We are the gods!

Always have been, always will be.

[HOOTIN' AND HOLLERIN']

And the roads will

be forever our domain!

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

Great crowd work.

I can hear you grinding your teeth.

Dude, that's you!

[LAUGHING]

Now

what gifts did you

m*therf*ckers bring me?

Ooh, is that a generator I see?

Okay. Uh, gasoline, got it.

Okay, g*ns. g*ns, dr*gs.

Okay, guys, you gotta get

more creative than just dr*gs.

Here you go, Preacher.

Okay, that's just more dr*gs, Jeff.

That's just more dr*gs.

[EVELYN APPROACHING]

Well, now everybody shut the f*ck up!

Hold on! Oh-ho-ho!

Holy sh*t!

Hey, what are you

doing? Where are you going?

- John!

- A token for you, Preacher.

What a hot piece of ass!

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I should lube up with oil

and d*ck your muffler.

[HOLY MEN] d*ck her muff! d*ck her muff!

d*ck her muff! d*ck her muff!

Don't touch her!

Who spoke?

[CHUCKLING]

Your tone sounded envious.

I like that.

You want her, don't you?

Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.

From one brother to another,

I propose a clash.

[EXASPERATED GROAN]

Oh, yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

[COLLECTIVE CHATTER]

Are you ready, son?

[CHUCKLING]

[SNIFFLING]

So, what's your plan here, stud?

Have you seen this guy?

A strong wind can blow him over.

I'm gonna kick his ass so

bad I'm gonna be their king.

That's the blow talking!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, God!

[LAUGHING]

Oof, Coke Jesus has a right hook!

- I heard something cr*ck.

I think it was my brain.

Listen up, he's fast,

so keep your distance.

You'll never get a good

hit in if you're too close.

- Honestly

- I told you I got this.

- Hit me.

- [QUIET] What? John?

Fine, you're on your own.

- [LAUGHTER]

- [PREACHER] Let's eat this guy!

- Surprise!

- Ah, my eyes!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[HOLY MEN] Ooh!

Stay the f*ck down, Preach!

[LAUGHING]

Whoo!

You ever drink your own blood?

It's intoxicating.

What the f Oh!

[MANIC LAUGHTER]

Are you possessed?

I was once. By a little demon baby.

Fucker made me k*ll a

whole church of people.

Here we go!

I can still hear their screams.

I can't wait to hear yours!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

I can't stop kicking!

He's doing really well.

Heh

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[PREACHER] The Holy

Ghost lives through me.

What should I do? Should I eat this guy?

Should I f*ck this guy?

[GRUNTING] Dirt nap!

[WHISTLES]

Get on your knees, you

greasy little piglet

and lick my soiled boots.

Oh! Yes, goddess.

Please, goddess.

[WHIMPERING]

Now, where are the keys

to that car, vermin?

I wanna take it for a ride.

Wait! Goddesses only ride shotgun.

That is our way.

Not my way!

- [GROANING]

- Yes, please!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, where are you going?

[GRUNTING]

[MANIC LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERS, MANIC LAUGHTER]

Yes! Yes! [LAUGHTER]

Take him to the cross!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, come on, guys!

I've got a guy here

perfectly ready for the cross.

Meanwhile, this dead

fucker is still up there!

[SIGHS] Say it with me.

When the heart stops, the body drops.

See? It's not that hard. Okay?

Now the whole vibe is ruined.

I-I guess take the new guy to timeout

and-and take that fucker down.

Don't let it ruin your night!

Too late, Janice!

[GROANING]

[TREE LIMBS SNAPPING]

Huh?

Come out! I heard you!

Hey!

Hey, whoa! Take it easy, okay?

I-I'm just looking for some food.

You haven't got any, do you?

Go away, butthead!

Whoa, I'm not gonna hurt you.

I said go away!

f*ck!

Ugh, what the hell did you do that for?

Got me right in the veneers.

I'm sorry, I was aiming for your balls.

Well, that would have hurt, too.

But that's okay. You

can make it up to me.

- Huh?

- 'Cause it's dinnertime.

He's alone! Soo-ey!

- [WHOOPING]

- Dinner time!

Child back on the menu, boys.

I love veal!

We're gonna getcha.

Please, please, please, please!

- Come on!

- [ENGINE STARTS]

Hey there!

[ENGINE REVS]

f*ck you!

[PREACHER] Krevin,

you're a f*cking dunce!

This f*ckin' idiot can't even get a hose

long enough to fill up my new baby.

Dented Evelyn's hood, you assh*le.

[QUIET] So, you lost, huh?

You don't know that.

This could be a winner's cage.

Pssh.

I got us some wheels.

Piece of sh*t,

but it'll get us out of

this nightmare carnival.

I'm not leaving her.

What? John, are you kidding?

You almost d*ed!

I can't believe I have to say this,

but it's just a car, John.

- You don't get it.

- [QUIET] No, I don't!

But I fought and bled.

I got whipped, I drank coke for you.

And your car.

And now you say I don't get it?

f*ck you!

What happened to us being partners, huh?

I'm not leaving Evelyn.

And I'm not dying for a f*cking car.

[KREVIN] Preacher, Preacher!

Someone att*cked Fenchy and took a car!

What? Seal the camp!

- [HOLY MAN] Seal the camp!

- [HOLY MAN] Seal the camp!

[INDISTINCT COMMOTION]

We have to leave.

- [CHURCH BELL RINGING]

- Now, John!

Then go.

[YOUNG JOHN] All right, where to next?

We can go anywhere you want.

Your choice.

[ENGINE DIES]

Or not.

♪♪

I owe you for saving me back there.

I'll fix you up, I promise.

Just you, me, and the road.

Sounds good?

♪♪

Oh, thank God. I'm here, Evelyn, baby.

Let's get the hell out of here.

[g*n COCKS]

I admire your thirst.

But if anybody's gonna f*ck this car,

it's gonna be me.

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

♪♪

You're not worthy of the mask.

Good, it chafes.

[LAUGHING]

For I am the angel of death!

And I release you!

[GASPS]

No.

No, no, no.

f*ck. f*ck!

♪♪

♪♪

Hurry up! Watch the Preacher's head.

Don't lose those!

That's the last of us.

- Drive, prick!

- Yes, goddess.

♪♪

Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, oh, my head.

No.

["MY IMMORTAL" BY EVANESCENCE PLAYING]

♪♪

If you have to leave ♪

I wish that you would just leave ♪

'Cause your presence

still lingers here ♪

And it won't leave me alone ♪

These wounds won't seem to heal ♪

This pain is just too real ♪

There's just too much

that time cannot erase ♪

When you cried I'd wipe

away all of your tears ♪

When you'd scream I'd

fight away all of your fears ♪

And I held your hand

through all of these years ♪

But you still have ♪

All of me ♪

♪♪

You used to captivate me ♪

By your resonating light ♪

Now I'm bound by the

life you left behind ♪

Your face it holds ♪

My once plans and dreams ♪

Your voice it chased away ♪

All the sanity in me ♪

These wounds won't seem to heal ♪

This pain is just too real ♪

There's just too much

that time cannot erase ♪

When your cried I'd wipe

away all of your tears ♪

When you'd scream ♪

I'd fight away all of your fears ♪

You still have ♪

All of me ♪

Ah me ♪

Ah me ah ♪

♪♪