01x10 - SHNGRLA

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

["THE DISTANCE" BY CAKE PLAYING]

♪ Reluctantly crouched
at the starting line ♪

♪ Engines pumping and thumping in time ♪

♪ The green light
flashes the flags go up ♪

♪ Churning and burning
they yearn for the cup ♪

♪ They deftly maneuver
and muscle for rank ♪

♪ Fuel burning fast ♪

If they're not black and blue,
they're not gettin' through.

♪ Reckless and wild ♪
♪ They pour through the turns ♪

[SWEET TOOTH LAUGHING]

Time to send in the clown.

Let's clear a path.

♪ Driving and striving
as fast as he can ♪

[TRUCK HORN HONKING]

♪ And long ago somebody
left with the cup ♪

♪ But he's driving and
striving and hugging the turns ♪

♪ And thinking of someone
for whom he still burns ♪

[g*nf*re]

♪ He's going the distance ♪

♪ He's going for speed ♪

♪ She's all alone all alone
all alone in her time of need ♪

[g*nf*re CONTINUES]

Line me up.

♪ And plotting the course
he's fighting and biting ♪

♪ And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪

f*ck, that was cool!

[WATTS] These cops
can't drive for sh*t! Ha!

[g*nf*re]

- Uh, they're still alive!
- I noticed! The g*n is jammed.

Take the wheel!

- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- Watch your left. Swerve!

Stop backseat driving and
fix that f*cking thing.

I am!

[g*nf*re]

- [CLICKING]
- Fixed!

[g*nf*re CONTINUES]

Jell-O, Lawman! [LAUGHS]

Why do you always say
"Jell-O" like that?

- It means "good-bye."
- What? No, it doesn't.

- It's a dessert, you moron.
- No, it's insider slang.

A dude said it after dinner before he...

- Oh, God damn it!
- [CAR APPROACHING]

- Behind!
- Behind!

[g*nshots]

[MOANING]

Aw, I always knew you
two would work things out,

and I love what you've
done with the car.

Hey, thanks, man.

Love what you've done
with your, uh, fire hair.

Looks really good.

Aw, I'm just trying something new.

Hey, I heard you got a beef with Stone.

[LAUGHS] Beef? I got
a whole butcher shop.

Stone is mine. Ta!

Bye!

- Screw you, man!
- Holy sh*t!

It's... I wanna say, uh, Blue?

No, it begins with "S."
It's on the tip of my tongue.

- Stu! Stu!
- [BOTH] Stu!

- Haha, that's my guy!
- Oh, my God. Oh, sh*t!

[g*nf*re]

[g*nf*re CONTINUES]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[ENGINE REVS]

[QUIET GASPS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[GROWLS] Duck, duck, goose!

- Oh!
- [GASPS]

You're welcome!

f*ck!

[WATTS] Come on, baby, come on, baby.

- Follow me, follow me...
- [CLINKS]

Oh, no, too close.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[g*nf*re]

Here's your kiss from mama, baby!

No!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, sh*t!

Now's your chance to skedaddle.

We can't leave you to fight this.

The f*ck you can't.

I'm tired of y'all.
You're bogarting my kills.

[TRUCK HORN HONKING]

[AMBER] Juggernaut to
Twister, we're flying in.

[WATTS] Amber, you keep
laying down that fire.

These chickens are flying the coop.

[QUIET] Thanks a lot.
This next round's on us.

sh*t. Would someone
k*ll this f*cking truck?

[LAWMAN] You got it, sir!

- Amber!
- [GASPING]

[g*nf*re]

[SWEET TOOTH] Where do you
think you're going, Stone?

You can't hide from me.

Ice cream? No, you scream.

[LAUGHING]

[EXPLOSIONS]

No! No! Amber!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SWEET TOOTH LAUGHING]

[GROANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Why'd you do that?
They were on our side!

[LAUGHING] There are no sides, Stubert!

Everybody burns!

- [g*n COCKING]
- f*ck this sh*t.

Gotcha!

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING] Okay, Stubie,

now's your chance to show me your fangs.

Pull the trigger, and
put your doggy down.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Do it!

- Come on, do it!
- Do it!

Come on.

Come on, Stewie. You can do this.

[GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[g*nsh*t]

- Holy sh*t!
- Mike, let's go!

[GRUNTING]

You saved my ass!

I-I think I skinned my wang.

Oh, don't talk about your wang, man.

I don't want to look at it, man.

[GROANING] Stubert!

[g*nf*re]

You'll abide by the law, clown.

Harold, take the wheel.

[GRUNTS]

Get off my car!

You! Took! Everything! From! Me!

What the f*ck?

Hey! You're dripping
eye blood on the hoo...

- Oh, f*ck it.
- [g*nshots]

[GROANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, sh*t!

Did I... Did I k*ll him?

I don't know. You want to turn around,
and check for a pulse?

Let's get the hell outta here! Let's go!

Get outta here! Let's go!

[ENGINE REVVING]

Holy sh*t, I think we're gonna make it.

[g*nf*re]

[GROWLING]

God, I'm so tired of running
from Officer d*ck Cheese.

- Hang on.
- Thanks for the warning.

- Whoa!
- [TIRES SQUEALING]

Oh, okay, we can play chicken.

[g*nf*re AND ROCKETS WHISTLING]

Come on, f*ckers!

[g*nf*re CONTINUES]

- Now!
- Now!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

John?

John! John!

- [SCREAMS]
- Get outta there!

Well, oh, well.

It's just you and me again.

You know, when I was
walking a b*at in Topeka,

I used to see pieces
of trash just like you.

They'd mock me, call
me names, spit on me,

just because I was tryin'
to keep the streets safe.

When the power grid blew,

all of those same
fuckheads came to my door

wanting to be protected,

wanting to be safe,

but you know what they really wanted?

They just wanted to be kept in line.

[LAUGHING]

What's so f*ckin' funny?

You talk so much.

All this talk about rules and laws,

it's all bullshit.

You're just a sad, lonely man,

and you think you're in control.

I am in control.

No.

You're just the one holdin' the g*n.

Any last words?

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERING]

[g*n COCKS]

[GURGLING]

[RAGGED BREATHING]

[GROANING]

I'm gonna give you a tough choice.

You can die slowly, or...

[WHISPERS] You can die fast.

You have a good day now,

m*therf*cker.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[g*nsh*t]

[ENGINE REVVING]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I f*cking thought I lost you again.

Oh, where's...

[SNIFFLES]

I'm sorry.

Those f*ckers are gonna pay.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Hey, Bill, I'm back! You miss me?

Bill got promoted.

You do not have clearance to approach.

Look, I know you're just
trying to do your job,

but I have a life-changing opportunity

that's going to expire

if I don't deliver this package
in one minute and , , ...

You see where I'm going with this?

- Yeah, that's not my problem.
- Uh, it will be

if Raven hears her delivery
expired right outside her gate.

Holy sh*t.

Tell Raven the Milkman made it.

Let's go.

Open the gate!

You didn't tell me she was so hot.

Someone's had a busy ten days.

And I'm not the only one.

Hey, congratulations
on the promotion, Bill!

She treatin' you well?
Good pay? Good benefits?

Just give her the package, John.

Wow. f*ck you, Bill.

How do we know she's
actually going to pay up?

This is how Milkman deliveries work.

Only person who's making
it weird right now is you.

Congratulations, John.

Welcome to New San Francisco.

[g*n COCKING]

Hey, hey, whoa! Hold on, man.

Bill, calm down. She's with me.

John, she's not allowed to enter.

Well, you wouldn't have
it if it wasn't for her.

We had a deal, John,

you and me.

And she's with me. That's
all you need to know.

[g*ns COCKING]

If she can't go in, fine.
I'm not goin' in either.

John, don't do this.

You wanted this your whole life, right?

- Yeah, but...
- Then you need to go.

What are you doin'?

I'm not gonna be the
reason you don't go inside,

so you're gonna go in,
and you're gonna be happy.

- You got it?
- [g*n COCKING]

Don't, John.

I mean it.

- Quiet...
- [g*nsh*t]

Aah!

He needs medical
attention. Get him inside.

Go on.

[GRUNTING]

What? Quiet, no! Quiet!

Quiet!

Jell-O, John.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SNIFFLING]

Stop, now!

Here. John usually makes this run,

but since he's retired...

What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?

Deliver it. We need a new Milkman.

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- [CHEERING]

That was for San Diego.

f*ck San Diego.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

The Milkman has stabilized.

Doc said he'll be fine, but the girl...

Couldn't you have let her in?

She complicates things.

[LAUGHING] Imagine
what John went through,

driving halfway across the country,

all to deliver...

this.

Yeah.

What do you think?

It's fine. I ordered pistachio.

Of course, they f*cked up my order.

- I meant about John.
- Oh.

He passed his test,

and Calypso kept his end of the bargain.

Mostly. [GAGS]

Marshmallow. Blech.

So it's time that we start
prepping him for his new position?

Not yet, let him acclimate,

get a feel for the good life inside.

Then we'll talk about what comes next.

♪♪

That's a nice d*ck.

All right, jerkoff,
it's just me and you.

Now are we gonna work
it out today, or not.

Come on!

Yagh!

Oh, f*ck!

This...

[GRUNTING]

f*ck you, f*ckin'...

Come on.

Why do you make me do this to you?

Don't be such a f*ckin' assh*le!

[GRUNTING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

[SCREAMING]

f*ckin' bike.

What?!

♪♪

- Good morning, John.
- Hi

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, what's up, John?

Hey, John.

Good morning, John.

♪♪

[LAUGHING]

- Oh my God.
- I'm telling ya.

Look, the weirdest thing
I've ever eaten was an owl.

- No sh*t?
- Yeah!

Why?

I got the midnight munchies.

You know what I'm talkin' about!

[LAUGHING] You're such a badass, John.

Oh, God, you must have,
like, k*lled so many people.

Uh, yeah, yeah. A few, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLING]

But, like how many?

Aw, I mean, I don't keep count, dude.

[LAUGHING]

He doesn't keep count!

Okay, like I said, you're a badass.

Oh! You gotta tell 'em about the clown!

This is so crazy.

I think he had, like,
bondage stuff, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It
was a lot of leather

- and sweat.
- This guy!

[LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING]

Hi.

Hi.

- Diane, right?
- Yeah.

Come in.

It's okay. I won't bite.

So, uh, I've never been set up on

- a thing like this before.
- Oh.

But Chester told me
you're a guard with him.

You don't remember me?

You do not have clearance to approach.

Oh, sh*t! Bill's replacement!

- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't even recognize you.

Well, must be the hair.

I didn't even see past the g*n.

Let me get you a drink.

Do you like wine?

Uh, toilet or sink?

How about red?

[STUTTERING] Yeah?

- Okay.
- Okay.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, that's the pizza.

Would you mind grabbing that?

Sure.

Hey, got a cheese pizza for you.

Wow.

I've never been on the
other side of a delivery.

I'm supposed to give
you something, right?

Here you go.

b*ll*ts.

Would you prefer gasoline?

There is cash right there, dude.

I hope that makes a warm fire for you.

And hey, thanks.

I really appreciate what you
went through to get this here.

It's not a big deal, man.

So this is pizza.

You've never had pizza?

Oh, my gosh, you've never had pizza?!

No.

I'm honored to be here
for your first time.

Thanks.

Good?

Uh-huh.

♪♪

♪♪

[HUMMING]

[CLATTERING]

♪♪

I know you're out there.

You don't know who you're messin' with.

If you're gonna k*ll me, do it quick,

you g*dd*mn vulture.

I'm not a vulture, you buttmunch.

And I don't want to k*ll you.

Your delivery. I want half.

I heard of you.

You're the one who's
been robbin' milkmen?

I've scratched my taint
with twigs bigger than you.

[CHUCKLING] You ain't gettin' sh*t!

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

Next one I throw, you'll
be drivin' with your feet.

So, half!

Fine! It's in the back.

I hope you choke on it!

It's not for me, you jag-off.

The insiders have been runnin'
this sh*t for far too long.

It's time somebody shared the wealth.

♪♪

So tell me,

how is John adjusting?

He's doin' greet.

Uh, we all get along.

I-I mean I think me and the guys

would be friends with him
whether or not we had to,

right, fellas?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- And Diane?

She-she set him up well.

She's pushing for a second date.

Good.

Make sure that happens.

I want John to be happy.

And because I want it,
you should want that, too.

John is happy.

I mean, he'll... he'll be ready
to drive for you any day now.

Raven.

Just got word that John
Doe's only two blocks away.

[GASPING]

[SIGHING]

- [LAUGHING]
- Right? Yeah!

John! You wanna join us for a beer?

No thanks, Chester.

I'm leavin'.

You really wanna leave after I
gave you everything I promised?

I even heard things are
going swimmingly with Diane.

How do you know about Diane?

It's my job to know everything.

- [LAUGHING]
- The only thing I don't know

is what else I could possibly give you.

Something you can't give me.

The girl?

[SCOFFING]

John, you're seriously
gonna give all of this up

for some chick you knew for days?

I've had colds last longer.

Her name's Quiet.

No way that's her real name.

You do know her real name, don't you?

- Also, didn't she sh**t you?
- Yeah, that happened.

John, that doesn't sound healthy.

Okay, look, if that's
really how you feel,

I will escort you to the gate myself.

We just have to make
one quick stop first.

Come on.

[SCOFFS]

What the f*ck is wrong with you now?

It finally happened.

I'm talking to a car.

I know something didn't die in you.

Last time that happened,

you smelled like burnt baby raccoon.

Thank you, by the way.
That was delicious.

Maybe something shifted

when I slammed into that
Milkman the other week?

Oh, my God, now I'm f*cking
asking the car a God damn question.

That's great. That's really great.

That's super healthy.

[SCREAMS]

Why won't you work, you
rusted piece of sh*t?

[SIGHS]

I'm very sorry.

Um, that was very rude.

You did not deserve that.

It's not your fault that you're rusted.

It's just, we've been together a month,

and I have no clue how you work.

Oil goes in your mouth,
and fuel goes up your butt.

Everything in the middle makes no sense.

[SIGHS]

I guess I just keep trying
pieces until I find one that...

You just try different pieces
'til you find the one that fits.

Fits.

You better not be f*ckin' with me.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

Aah! Holy sh*t! I did it!

I f*cking did it!

What the f*ck did I do?

Where are you taking me?

- Here.
- Nice house.

I'm glad you think so. It's yours.

[CHUCKLES]

You think a residential
upgrade is gonna keep me here?

- Pass.
- No, John.

This is yours.

This is where you grew up.

Wait.

I lived here?

You've got mail.

When I first heard of
John Doe the Milkman,

I did a little digging,

and when I learned
that you had roots here,

I dug some more.

I'm sure you'll have lots of questions,

and if you stay, you'll get answers.

I don't know what name I was
born with or who I am really.

♪♪

♪♪

Drive!

It's just like I promised you.

I brought you home.

♪♪

This isn't my home.

It's his,

whatever his name is.

This isn't me anymore.

I found my home out there with Quiet.

Hmm.

Wow, I never took you
for such a romantic,

but if that's your decision...

[SIGHS] This isn't normally
how I like to do things,

but, hey, I'm flexible.

I have a job for you.

I'm not gonna be your Milkman.

Milkman?

[LAUGHING]

No, those days for you are long gone,

but you're still a driver.

Best I've ever seen.

You proved that to me when
you made my little run.

See, you passed the test, John,

and now I need your skills.

There's gonna be a tournament,

the first of its kind

where the best drivers
from all across the country,

from all walks of life, are
gonna be invited to compete.

See, the tournament only has one rule:

Survive.

And you better believe who
you face won't play fair.

This is where you come in, John.

You are my horse, and I need you to win,

because Calypso is
offering quite a prize.

The winner gets their heart's desire,

their greatest wish come true.

You're gonna help me win, John,

and you're gonna do it by
getting behind the wheel

and turning every car and contestant

that crosses your path into nothing

but a flaming pile of twisted metal.

You will drive, John Doe,

and you will win.

Okay.

Where to next?

[CHAINS RATTLE]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪♪

Hey, girl.

I've been dying to talk to you.

I heard you know my brother.

He goes by John.

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

I told you we'd find it, and we did.

Shangri-f*ckin'-la.

We got everything we need:

Ladies, liquor, and long dogs.

This is Strawberry.

She's a doctor and a lawyer.

I met her in a strip club.

Okay. Okay. This is Cleopatra.

She, uh, specializes in French cuisine.

- Ooh-la-la.
- She, uh, is also a stripper.

I'm thinkin' about takin' a swim.

What do you guys think?

No, she'll sink right to the bottom.

I've tried before.

[SWEET TOOTH] Good evening.

- Holy sh*t!
- [ROARING]

Actually, I have a better idea.

[LAUGHTER]

[GROWLS]

Oh, no! Mike! Aah!

[SWEET TOOTH LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]