04x01 - The Ping Pong Table

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme]

♪

Guys, guys, guys, check it out!

I got the original dartboard
from Cheers on eBay.

It only cost $ , !
I'm gonna put it up.

Hey, I thought Korvo said
no more throwing metal in the house

after you got that butter Kn*fe
stuck in his eye.

These are famous darts!

Whatever Korvo doesn't know
won't hurt him.

Watch this. Oh, my God!
[Korvo grunts]

[all shouting]

- Oh, my God!
- Jesus!

Go get the voice-fixing ray.

I'm sorry, big guy. My bad!
[Korvo gagging]

We'll get this fixed in a jiffy!

[continues gagging]
[laser whirring]

[panting]

[British accent]
I told you not to throw metal around here.

We're going to be late to work.
Stop buggering about!

Hey, does Korvo sound a little off?

This thing must not be calibrated.

- Let me try again.
- No!

No. This is working for me.

KORVO: All right, chop chop,
let's get a move on.

I hate being late.
It makes me feel hot and weird.

- You make me feel hot and weird.
- KORVO: What was that?

Nothing! Coming, sweetie!

[door closes]

Wait, is his voice just
gonna be like that from now on?

Yeah, but it sounds
pretty much the same to me.

Nobody's gonna notice.

KORVO:
Planet Schlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.
This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

This is what my voice sounds like now.

I don't care if it's jarring.
Get over it.

And that voice-changer ray
has chronitons in it

so this is what I'm going to sound like
in flashbacks too.

You got a problem with that,
then tough sh*t!

It's called science!

♪

KORVO:
Alright, fellow Shlorpians, this is it.

The ship is fixed for real, real.

Finally, we can leave
this piece of sh*t planet for good.

I know I've said those exact words
multiple times before,

but this time it's actually happening.

Clap. Everyone, clap.

[all clapping and cheering]

Bravo, Korvo.

You really sacked up
and dragged our sorry asses

across the finish line.

And you put up with so much BS
from us along the way.

Nevertheless, you persisted.

Gotta give it up for the K man.

K Man feels you, dawg.

Yes, the last few months
have been a bitch,

repairing the ship on weekends,

slogging through that
boring-ass office job

to give the Pupa structure and normalcy,

but it was worth it,
because he's all better now.

- Right, Pupa?
- Pixar!

Mm, back to terrible language skills,

just the way I like it.

We pooled our Skee-Ball tickets
and got you a little something.

It's a plain T-shirt with a deep V.

Oh! I always wanted a deep V,

but I never thought I could pull it off.

Korvo, honey,
you can pull anything off.

Show us that sexy sternum, baby, oh!

- Whoa.
- Ooh, that's a deep V.

Let's blow this hellhole.

[spaceship whirring and whooshing]

ALL: [chanting] Korvo, Korvo, Korvo,
Korvo, Korvo, Korvo!

MAN: Korvo, Korvo!
[Korvo screams]

Are you freaking kidding me?

[sighs] Sorry, I must have nodded off.

Were you giving
a presentation or something?

You were giving a presentation.

sh*t, right.
Sorry, I'll continue.

In conclusion, uh, the leaf report
will be delayed indefinitely.

We commissioned a $ million study,

and apparently the leaves
are just sticking to the branches.

All these years, and I guess
global warming wasn't a myth.

If we don't hit our rake quota this month,

there will have to be cutbacks.

ALL: Aw.

Sorry, yeah, just to dig in and unpack
some of what you said.

Why in the f*ck do we care about rakes?

Because we're a rake company.

Looks like the Solar Opposites
work at a boring rake company now.

[head thuds]
[woman screams]

[wheels squeaking]

- [clatters]
- Whoa.

[sucking]

Jesse, Yumyulack, hurry up,
you're gonna miss the bus.

[yawns]

Had to stay up all night

finishing my solar system diorama
for class.

g*dd*mn science.

Good, we're trying to be normal,

and that sounds pretty
damn normal if you ask me.

What the f*ck are all these extra planets?

The invisible ones
the humans don't know about yet.

Earth Four,
Megan thee Planet, and Their-Anus.

We can't tell people about those.

They're invisible for a reason.

Make a normal solar system.

Tuna fish and carrot sticks again?

Ah, this sh*t nasty.

It's a normal lunch.

The only other option is acorn butter.

All the other nuts are off the table.

Screw those kids with nut allergies.

It should be survival of the fittest.

No k*lling your classmates.

We have to keep it basic AF
for the Pupa.

Look how happy he is

with his totally normal
enrichment activity.

Our miserable lives
are giving him structure.

You don't want him turning back
into a steam of teen angst again, do you?

Like that whole thing that was a big deal
at the end of last year, remember?

- No, thank you.
- No, that f*cking sucked.

Then go have a normal day at school.

Stay the course.

Terry, let's go.

Sorry, I woke up with
a case of the Wednesdays,

and it's only Monday.

We can't be late.

Mr. Sarner's starting to suspect
I'm not in it for the rakes.

Man, Sarner is such a d*ck brain.

You'd be a way better boss than him.

Yeah, no duh.

That fool's lucky I'm being normal AFF,

or I'd have usurped his ass already.

Yeah, usurp that sh*t, Korvo.

- BOTH: Whoa!
- Yeah, buddy.

- Little Buddy.
- Oh. Hey.

[suspenseful music]

KORVO:
Damn, you see that?

Little Buddy and Pupa
were cold AF to each other.

I'm, I'm sorry,
I'm using "AF" way too much.

I kinda can't quit.

- They must've had a falling out.
- AF.

Oh, maybe that little fucker
will move out soon.

I sure as sh*t hope so.

When we met him,
I thought he'd be like

this whole reoccurring thing,

but now he just feels like a remnant.

Oh.

Oh, my lord, why the f*ck
are you walking arm-in-arm?

Are you, like, dating?

No, she's my co-replicant.

They're totally dating, gross.

They're like Oldboy.

Na-uh, we're just using nutrient parts

in our elbows to exchange information.
Look.

[dramatic music]

ALL: Ew.

You're not supposed to exchange juices
with your brother.

This is totally normal.

As if.
It's f*cking freaky.

Elbow f*ckers!

Look, everyone.

They f*ck elbows.

- They f*ck elbows, everybody.
- Ah, man,

I didn't know we were weird.

Maybe we should stop
porting in public for a while.

No, we need to stop
hanging out entirely.

We're radioactive right now.

This "elbow fucker" thing's got legs.
I can tell.

It does have a ring to it.

But we could still hang out, right?

Yum?

Ah geez.

[telephone ringing]

[keys clacking]

- [computer beeps]
- Reset my email password again?

No, I'm not doing it.

Nobody's going to guess

"National dash Lampoons
dash VanPassword ."

Janice is driving me crazy.

She's told me the same joke
every day for two weeks.

Ugh, it's like one of those long,
elaborate non-joke jokes,

like the humor of Maria Bamford.

And it always ends with her crying
about her husband

getting hit by a car a year ago.

Terry, I don't think that's a joke.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm sick of forcing out a fake laugh
every time she cradles a wedding photo.

It's uncomfortable.
It's not even funny.

Let's take a walk to the Coffee Bean
and get you a flat black.

That always calms you down.

Enough with the bits, Janice!

You're not Maria Bamford!

[sobs]

Jesse, you want us
to break you off a piece

of this acorn butter cr*cker
that we're all sharing?

Sure, I'll take a shard.

Hey, thanks for letting me sit with you.

We heard you stopped hanging out
with your little brother.

Betraying family is, like,
mega cool.

That was weird when you guys
used to jizz into each other's elbows.

Well, Yumyulack and I
don't do that anymore,

or talk or think about each other
every second of the day.

That's for sure.

There's nothing better than f*cking
with your little brother.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know that was
a thing that was done.

Oh yeah.

I put a GoPro in a -gallon hat
and live-streamed

my little brother Conner
straightening his pubes.

It f*cking ruined him.

He had to move in
with Gramgram in Sweden.

That feels a tad harsh,
but I am still learning

what a normal sibling
relationship looks like.

It looks like hiding
a gram of crystal meth

in my brother's locker.

He goes to school
in jail now. [laughs]

So how are you gonna f*ck
with Yumyulack?

I don't know.
The bar seems really high.

Oh, my God, you should do it
at the Above the Sea dance.

f*ck yeah. Humiliate that chode
in front of all of his new friends.

If he even has any.

[all laughing]

Good one, Jesse.

[cigar sizzling]

I'm so glad I found my tribe.

Is this the normal vibe in here?

Yeah, we mostly chain smoke,

count down the days
until our pension kicks in,

and do impressions of the dumber students.

"Dur, I'm Greg Simmons.

I sh*t a load in my pants

watching Romeo and Juliet
in class."

[all laughing]

[Yumyulack coughs]

For last period, we're just
gonna put on Seabiscuit

and duck out to Islands
for Mahalo Hour.

Hell yeah, dawg.

Last one there buys me
a Big Island Ice Tea.

[elevator dings]

[elevator doors whirring]

Mm, I do love pebble ice.
What are you doing?

I'm making it take
as long as possible

to get back to the office.

That's how much I hate it there, Korvo.
I'd rather be in the elevator.

I guess we just have to accept the fact
that work is boring.

There's absolutely no way around it.

[triumphant music]
[workers cheering]

Suck it.

♪

Hey, a little help.

Whoa, what is that?

It's ping pong.

Ping ping.

And this is a place of business?

Oh yeah. We're a call center
for Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Oof, that sounds like
the most boring AF job there is.

Used to be, until our boss
bought us this sweet-ass table.

Your boss got this for you?

The ping ping table is
an official part of the office?

Oh yeah, this job rules.

- Ping ping!
- Ping ping!

- Look, the fact is...
- Get off the phone.

Terry and I have found a way
to solve our problems.

What problems?

We just need one
super-important thing from you.

Drum roll, please.
[marching band music]

Who are these kids?

- How did...
- Buy the office a ping ping table.

No.
[sad trombone]

Get the f*ck out.

If we don't get the table,
you don't get paid.

Guys, that was an important call.

Here's the tea, Sarner,

the workplace environment
you created f*cking sucks.

Our research shows the vibe
is better at other offices,

offices with ping ping.

A ping pong table
would be too disruptive.

It is not happening.

Well, Terry, I think Mr. Sarner
has been clear and...

We measured out a perfect spot
for it in the boiler room.

You shouldn't be going down
to the boiler room.

It's extremely dangerous.

Uh, Wendy?

Hi, so sorry we got disconnected.

Korvo, my dude, why the f*ck
didn't you have my back in there?

I know how we get the ping ping,

but it will require
some high-level scheming.

Come on.

[door whooshes]

Aisha, bring up the scheming set
where we like to smoke and scheme.

AISHA: Wow, no, "Hi, Aisha.
How's your day going?"

Just right to business.

You know I love you.
I'm sorry.

AISHA:
Are you sorry 'cause you're sorry

or because I called you out
on your bullshit?

Both.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna slip
into something more schemable.

That turd has zero clue
how to make his employees feel valued.

If you were the boss,
a rad ping ping table would be

your first purchase.

[grunts] No sh*t, but that's not
the world we live in,

- so we fight.
- Whoa, deep V, huh?

Don't make fun of me.
I'm feeling insecure about it.

No, I love it.

Especially once your chest
gets more defined.

Sorry, continue scheming.

Sarner said we're the only employees
who want ping ping.

But if we can prove our co-workers
also demand ping ping,

then he'll be boxed in by his own logic.

Ah, but everyone
in the office is a sleemo.

I made a list of our
stupidest co-workers

with the most friends.

If we can get them supporting ping ping,

the rest will fall in line.

But everyone hates slash is jealous
slash wants to sleep with me of us.

Then we motivate them.

TERRY:
First on the list is Doug.

He's always talking
about how much he loves

vintage Shaquille O'Neal Mr. Big bars.

KORVO: Pim and Jam,
clearly in love with each other,

but Jam has a stupid boyfriend
nobody likes,

and Pim's too dopey
to do anything about it.

[Jam gasps]
KORVO: All she needs is a little push.

I can't believe my boyfriend
would cheat on me with this ugly whore.

TERRY:
Then there's big, stupid Janice.

And we all know that boring biatch
only cares about one thing.

This is the man who k*lled your husband
in that hit-and-run two summers ago.

Sign our petition and he's yours.

That's right,
I did it and I'd do it again.

[g*n cocks]

[computer beeping]

[door slams open]

Game, set, match, Sarner.

Those are ping ping words.

In your hands is a petition
signed by everyone in the office.

The message is clear,
your workers demand the ping.

The answer is still no.

f*ck you. You said we were
the only ones who wanted ping ping

and I've trapped you
with your own words.

Your whole argument has collapsed.

It doesn't matter.

I'm meeting with the board
of directors tomorrow evening,

and they're doing
a full audit of our expenses.

And if they don't like what they see,

they're gonna shut down this branch.

There's no way I can justify
a ping pong table to them,

and I already told you it is
not safe in the boiler room.

Now get out of my office!

AISHA:
You are so close, Pupa.

[Pupa grunts]
You want a hint?

[doors whirring]

Aisha, quick question.

Uh, where's the Phallic Multiplier?

AISHA: Girl, what do you need
the d*ck ray for?

My big-sister prank.

I'm gonna cover Yumyulack in dicks
at the Above the Sea dance.

AISHA: You can't humiliate
Yumyulack like that.

He's an incel fuckface.

Ha, if anything,
I'm going easy on the kid.

You should hear what
the Stacis do to their little bros.

AISHA: Trust is the key thing
to keep your elbow port open and flowing.

Without it, they'll close up forever,

like a earring hole.

Forever?

How come this is the first
I'm hearing about this now?

[bottle shatters]

[car honks]
[tires squeal]

f*ck you, Jesse.
[all laughing]

Stupid alien.

I'm gonna need that d*ck ray ASAP.

[machine clicking]

AISHA: They're teens.
You gotta let them make mistakes.

[melancholic music]

[gulping]

[light switch clicks]

[blows]

♪

[sighs]

♪

[laughs]

You two, come with me.

[phone ringing]

I did a lot of thinking
about what you said, and...

[light switch clicks]

Sarner, you beautiful bastard.

You got the ping ping.

But the board of directors.

You said you couldn't justify it.

Don't worry about the board.

I know the perfect thing to say
to get them to sign off.

But I do have one condition.

- I get the first game.
- Deal.

Wow, in the end, you actually are
a pretty good guy.

Hey, working with you two
makes it easy to be good.

KORVO: Oh!

[blood spurts]
Jesus Christ!

Whoa, Sarner was right.

The boiler room is hella dangerous.

I mean, for him, not us.

So I guess we were both right.

[students laughing]

Let's go over the plan.

It's all going down when Principal Cooke
presents the Student Awards.

We convinced everyone
to vote Yumyulack

for Most Improved Body.

And when he goes
on stage to accept...

I suffocate him in shlongs
like a normal big sister.

[Phallic Multiplier whirring]

- I see his brain.
- We are so f*cked.

- I see his f*cking brain.
- We are so f*cked.

What do we do?
What do we do?

AISHA: What kinda sitcom plot
you all devising this time?

We're in a tight spot, Aisha.

In a few hours, the board of directors
is expecting to meet with Mr. Sarner.

AISHA: And that's his dead ass
over there on my Pretendo-deck?

Yes, and now the board
will take our ping ping table away

because Sarner won't be there
to say the perfect thing to justify it.

Ah, I haven't even gotten to play yet.

AISHA: Why don't y'all just bring
the dude back to life

so he can talk
to the board himself?

You know I got a whole sleeve
of those Resurrection Pellets, right?

Wouldn't it jeopardize
the Pupa's progress

to use sci-fi like that?

AISHA:
I mean, it's just one little pellet.

Yeah, I'm cool with that.

- Korvo?
- I too accept this rationalization.

Mm, yummy.
[pellet crunching]

Chew it up good.

Yum, yum, yum.

- [Mr. Sarner gasps]
- Ah, f*ck!

Oh sh*t, can I get another pellet?

[chuckles] Classic.

And in the category
Most Likely to Be a Narc,

you, the students, voted for Rick Blaze.

[students applaud and cheer]

Rick was also voted Best Rebounder.

Here's another trophy.

Congrats, Detective... Rick.

Uh, just Rick.

And now, an award
we should probably stop doing...

[multiplier whirring]

Most Improved Body.

And the winner is Yumyulack.

Oh, my God!

Thank you!

I, I didn't even know
this body could be improved.

[Pupa gasps]

[dramatic music]

[waterfalls burbling]

♪

[water splattering]

They should be growing and thriving
like the rest of the crowd.

What's wrong with these two?

Hmm, I have one more idea.

[dramatic music]

[Phallic Multiplier powers down]

I can't do it!

I knew you were a fake-ass Staci.

Give me that.

I'll do it myself.

[laser beam zapping]

Ah, no!

I'm f*cking covered in dicks
years too early!

What just happened?

The Stacis wanted me to prank you,
but it just didn't feel right.

We've always had each other's backs
and I'm not gonna stop now.

Oh, uh, thanks.

And the award for Best Bow
goes to Jesse.

Me? Aw, you guys noticed.

YUMYULACK:
Don't!

Why not?

Is that an Ewok log trap?

Me and the teachers set those logs up

to smash your head like an AT-ST
when you accepted Best Bow.

It was their idea.

Thanks for not going through with it.

Looks like you guys
worked really hard on that.

The trick is to hoist it as one big log

and then cut it in half.

Oh yeah, that's thinking with your head.

You are never getting drunk
with us at Islands again.

We thought you were one of us.

Well, I'm not.

I'm a Shlorpian.

And the winner for Best Trombone Player,
Billy Hosenberg.

[all applauding]

[all gasp]

Alright, I guess the award goes
to Jackie Quilbard.

f*ck yes, I did it!

Looking snazzy, Mr. Sarner.

[screams] I have a body.

f*cking hell.
Yes, we brought you back to life.

I was floating in the eternal glow
for a million years.

Safe, warm.

You need to remember
what you were going

to say to the board
of directors

to justify expensing a ping ping table.

I've been here before.

I've made some flashcards
to help jog your memory.

"Ping ping increases productivity
by percent."

I mean, that's bullshit,
but let's see if it flies.

How did I get back
on this plane of existence?

Would you shut up?

Literally no one has ever cared
about what happens after you die.

The board is here.

I need more time, Terry.

Sarner's being a baby
about his resurrection.

I traversed the black mountain.

Why am I back?

Okay, I'll just have to stall them
with the old razzle-dazzle.

Where's Sarner?
We don't have all day.

We're members of the board.

He's on his way.

But first, he wanted me to pop in
and give a brief preamble.

Rakes, where do they come from?

How do we make them?

When you think about it,

a rake is just a big fork for leaves.

Which leads me to my next question.

Aren't we just a salad company for lawns?

What the hell are you rambling about?

Oh, look at this guy.
You probably need one of these

to comb your hair, am I right?

[all laugh]

Alright, you got me.
You got me.

[all laughing]

Sarner, so glad
you could finally join us.

I am eternity made finite!

[screams]

He's, uh, referencing Dune.

The board reviewed your books,

and I have to say, we're disappointed.

I can't be here!

Don't play for sympathy.

You promised to cut expenses,
but yesterday,

you bought a ping pong table
on the company card.

We are all made of light,

and to that light I shall return!

[glass shatters]
[screams]

[car alarm blaring]

I knew I should've brought
a couple of extra pellets.

Everyone's laughing at us,
but I don't even care.

f*ck 'em.
This is our normal.

If the other kids knew
what this connection felt like,

maybe they wouldn't be so judgmental.

[Pupa gasps]

[tinkles]

Ooh.

[dramatic music]

♪

Ah.

[inhales deeply]

[sighs]

Ah, yeah.

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[suspenseful music]

You don't think those cops
will piece together

what really happened to Sarner, do you?

f*ckin' hope not.

We can't give the Pupa a normal life

if we're convicted of felony manslaughter.

Well, whatever comes,
we'll get through it, together.

The cops are gone.

We explained that the pressure
of the rake industry

was too much for Sarner,
and he k*lled himself out of weakness.

Yes, Sarner was a coward,
and no one should investigate any aliens.

Agreed.
We think under new leadership,

this branch could really
turn itself around.

I'd love to throw my hat in.

Terry, we liked your panicked ad-libbing
when you were stalling us earlier.

How would you like to be
the new branch manager?

Me, the boss?

f*ck yes.

Great, let's get blasted
at Islands to celebrate.

But, but...
But, Terry, I was gonna...

Your first order of business
will be to get rid

of that godawful ping pong table.

Yeah, you're on point, Wendy.
It's way too disruptive.

Korvo, trash that thing while I'm out.

But I wanted to come with you guys.

No, that's an official order
from your boss.

That's right, from now on,
I'm the boss, baby.

Well, not the Boss Baby,
but I am your boss, baby.

f*ck, now I want
a bottle of milk, damn it.

Someone get me some milk
because I'm the f*cking boss, baby.

[Terry and board members laugh]

I love this company!

[dramatic music]

[mimicking laser fire]