04x03 - The Mobile AISHA Emitter

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme music]

♪

[dramatic sting]

[spaceship crashes]

Holy f*ck! What the f*ck?

No predators, we're clear.

Hey, lady! This poorly built structure
got in the way of our landing!

If you've so much as scratched
my star cruiser...

Greetings! I'm Terry, and this is Korvo.
We're new around these parts.

Can you point us toward
your sexiest graveyard?

What? No.
We're on a mission!

Can we live in this house, Korvo?

- Please?
- No!

We're going to build a huge,
imposing technotower

in the center of the continent.

Uh, if you purchase the house,

I'll throw in a sweet-ass electric guitar.

[Terry, Jesse, Yumyulack gasp]

Why are we huddling?
We don't need an electric guitar.

We could start a band!

It would help the mission
because of how cool we would look.

I've always wanted
to rock 'n' roll and coochi-coo!

Fine!
But we're not staying in this house long.

I want my technotower.

- [Pupa, Jesse, Terry, Yumyulack cheer]
- AISHA.

Monitor ship systems
while I haggle with this biped.

AISHA:
Orders received.

AISHA program will monitor systems

until further instructions.

[gentle music playing]

♪

ALL: [chanting]
Trixie, Trix, Trix, Trix!

[thunder rumbling]

JESSE [singing]:
♪ Flyness of a scrub is up for debate ♪

And your Fruit by Keith by the Foot

tastes like Poop by Keith
from the Butt!

TERRY: I wasted my cool-ass
hidden t*nk because of you!

Die, die!

[gentle music continues]

♪

[dramatic music playing]

[gentle music playing]

AISHA: Ahhh, another g*dd*mn day
in paradise. Music!

Coffee me, baby!

Man, that looks good.

If I had a nose or mouth,
I'd savor the sh*t out of it.

Scannin' ship monitors,

scrubbin' overnight sploof
from the jipefilters, washin' windows.

[alarm beeps]
Ooh!

[computer beeps]

What's up, AISHA.
[chuckles]

You have time to play
some Words With F?

AISHA:
Hey, Calvin! I think I can swing it.

Pretty sure we ended last time
with the word voluptuous.

Well, that one was easy
to come up with.

I was lookin' right at you.

[AISHA laughs]
Damn, Calvin.

Alright, let's do this.

My roommates don't usually
get up before nine, so...

AISHA, Yumyulack destroyed
all my Lenny Kravitz dolls

'cause he was threatened
by Lenny's amazing abs!

There's no way
a -year-old man has

that tight of a six-pack!

AISHA, will you please remind Terrance
the deal we made

when we won the pair of kick-ass
Thomas Bahama flip-flops?

He has them during the week,
and I have them on the weekends.

TERRY: But everyone knows
you get all the best floppin'

done on Saturdays!

- It's my flip-flop day!
- f*ck you, Korvo!

It's my flip-flop day!

BENNY:
I can't believe I'm here.

First night guarding the wall-in-the-wall.

Praise be to Jesse for makin' this happen.

Just keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open.

We don't want any
of those godless heathens

getting into our side of the wall.

So, Pat, how long have you
been guarding the wall-in-the-wall?

I helped build it.
Went up almost overnight.

Bad side didn't see it comin'.

Sister Sisto said it was the only way

to keep the non-believers out
and protect the baby.

I saw Jessius once
at a viewing at the church.

Pissed my pants in joy
seeing that amazing baby.

Went straight down my leg.

Huge puddle on the ground,
everyone saw it.

So embarrassing, but totally worth it.

Listen, Benny, you gotta
always be alert.

You hear that?

You hear those monsters on the bad side?

That's the sound of godlessness.

Oh, yeah, I hear it now.

It's so lessness of God.

All they want to do is break down
the wall and k*ll us.

But we're not gonna let
that happen, right?

I mean, I did just admit
I pissed myself

because I saw a baby, but, no!

I'm tough. We've got this.

- [bell rings]
- Come on.

They're closing Checkpoint Chocodile
for the night.

Cool! What's Checkpoint Chocodile?

Only official way to cross the wall.

Named after the
chocolate-covered Twinkie Jesse gave us

to celebrate Happy Honda Days.

Close the gate!

[crank rattles]

[armor clinks]
Oh, Pat, my leg!

I'm caught! Ahhh!
[Pat grunting]

sh*t! sh*t!
Stop the crank!

I'm scared!
Oh God, I'm peeing again.

- Oh, man.
- Stop the crank, dammit!

[Benny yells]

[thuds]

I'm sorry I peed on you, Pat.

It's okay.
In the before-fore,

I was a high-end escort
working Capitol Hill.

Got peed on by most of the senators.
I won't say names.

- Ted Cruz?
- Ugh, I wish.

It was way more involved with Ted.

AISHA:
Okay, last question,

which Jonas brother
actually went to college?

That's easy. Jelbort.

Studied astrophysics at Columbia.

AISHA:
What the f*ck kinda test is this?

What's happenin' at that school?

It's gotten weird since
Spotify bought the school.

But without that,

I wouldn't have known that
Post Malone freed the slaves.

[computer beeps]

Ooh, AISHA,
you're blowin' up, girl.

AISHA: It's from Calvin.

He's gonna be in town
on business for the day

and wants to meet me!

Looks like he wants to be
"Words With More Than Friends."

Get it? More than friends.
Like, doing it.

AISHA:
The f*ck? Yeah, I got it.

We've been talkin' for months,
but I don't know if I'm ready

to meet him in real life.

AISHA got a boyfriend!
AISHA got a boyfriend!

AISHA:
Shut up! I do not.

It's weird. We have plans to go
on a Great Lakes Cruise in March,

which doesn't include Lakes Michigan,
Superior, or Huron.

That was gonna be
our first time meeting.

He probably just wants
to check out the goods, you know?

I wonder what you should wear.

[gasps]
You know what this means?

- AISHA: Don't you dare f*ckin' say...
- Outfit montage!

[upbeat dance music]

♪

♪ Get your body movin',
get your body, body ♪

♪ Get your body movin',
get your, get ♪

Perfecto!

I demand to know
what you're talking about

even though
I probably won't give a sh*t.

AISHA's boy toy's comin' to town

for a little roll in the sheets,
some hanky-panky,

puttin' the wand in
the chamber of secrets,

if you're buyin' what I'm sellin'.

Oh-ho, I'm buying.

AISHA, does he know
you're a super computer?

- AISHA: Yeah, he's cool with it.
- Really?

'Cause he's, like, a regular schmo

and you're a badass AI bitch.

It'll never work.

AISHA: Oh, yeah.
What if we're not compatible?

Maybe I should D print myself
into a real person,

with legs and a fat ass.

No way. He's gonna love you for you.

Tell her, Yumyulack.

He's catfishing you.

He probably just wants you

to calculate better car insurance
for him or something.

Don't listen to him, he's bitter.

I'm super bitter!

Terry b*rned mac and cheese,
and it's all over the kitchen!

It's hard, okay?

You have to know exactly
when the cheese gets unstuck

from the ceiling and falls into the vat
of boiling goose fat.

AISHA: Just use the cleaning robot
I built for you guys.

It's broken and Korvo wants me
to mop up the mess!

Me? Mopping?
This hardcunt don't mop!

AISHA:
Maybe I shouldn't go meet Calvin.

There's a lot goin' on here.

You're going.

Guys, AISHA has a hot date.

We can take care of ourselves
for a couple hours, right?

Yes, y-you should go.

I can probably build
a new cleaning robot

out of some spare ship parts
and old Optimus Prime.

Then it's settled. Yay!

Have fun, AISHA.
Dance like nobody's watching!

Just watch out for the catfish.

I've had multiple girlfriends

in the greater Phoenix area
who were just trying

to grift me out of my
Magic: The Gathering cards.

One of them got my Black Lotus.

- Oof!
- Ouch!

Oh, divine one,

please bless me with
a bountiful Craisin harvest

so that I may feed my brothers
and sisters under your bow!

♪

What the hell?

[ominous music playing]

[thermometer beeps]

No, no, no.

These numbers,
they can't be right.

Oh, my Jesse!
It's getting colder in the Wall!

AISHA: Okay, this is stupid.
What am I doin' here?

I should have made some legs.

- [phone beeps]
- AISHA, we got a problem.

I made the cleaning robot too smart,

and it's gained f*cking sentience

and I'm pretty sure
it's trying to k*ll us.

Plus, Terry's already
under the robot's spell

and is helping him!

He's such a w*nk*r!

[robotic voice] Everything's fine.
No one is k*lling anyone.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Aishe, ignore them, we're fine.
How's it going?

I want all the juicy deets!

Yo, steal Calvin's ID.

We can do a background check
on the creepo!

[gasps] AISHA? You look beautiful.

I-I mean, a little more L-shaped
than I thought you'd be,

but god damn.

What's that?

You mean to tell me
you're just a scooter

and not a super computer,

and now I look like a total idiot?

AISHA:
Ha ha, very funny. Get over here.

Sorry, my bad. A little nervous.

I got to admit. It's a stupid joke.

AISHA: I liked it.
It's nice to finally meet you, Calvin.

You too!

I figured, since I was in town,

why not see my best Words with Friend?

AISHA: I'm glad you did!
What should we do?

There's a Super Smash Bros. Melee exhibit
at the Museum of Useless Art.

Or my aliens have a ton of heroin
just sittin' around the house?

I don't care what we do,
as long as I'm with you.

Also, let's not do the heroin thing.

That stuff'll make your blood itch.

Souvenirs!
Get your Jesse souvenirs here!

We got Bow-sary beads,
we got prayer statues!

Jerry! Jerry, something terrible is
happening to the Wall!

Oh, my bow, are the heathens
from the bad side comin' over

to stick their penises in our ears
and sing Lady Gaga?

No, it's...

Wait, is that what you think
the heathens do?

I've heard they're crazy.

They also want to shove
their tongues in our butts

and pull our hair!

Heathens don't do that and...

Listen, I can't tell if you're terrified
or excited about this.

Why would I be excited
about having a tongue

in my butt
while they sing Bad Romance?

That probably doesn't feel amazing at all!

Whatever.
Look, I came to tell you

that the Wall is getting
a quarter degree colder every day!

So the heathens aren't coming over

to stick their penises in our ears?

What? No.
Jerry, this is important.

By my calculations,

the Wall could be frozen over
in two months.

Everyone will die!

I don't buy it.
How could you know that?

I was an HVAC guy in the before-fore.

I know an over-air conditioned room
when I see one, dammit!

Okay, so it's getting colder.
What do you wanna do?

I'm gonna go see Sister Sisto.
I need to warn her.

Are you f*ckin' crazy?
No one sees Sisto.

How would you even get in?

I need you to put me in touch
with Montez.

No way, Montez is scary.

If he and his g*ons show up at your door,
you're already dead.

You owe me.

You could've been stuck
on the heathen side,

and I got you out.

Please, Jerry, this is serious.

Fine!

But if Montez rips off our heads
and sticks his penis

in our ears, don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, my God,
now our side is stickin' penises

in people's ears?
You have a problem.

A problem with keepin'
my ears penis-free?

Well, that's a problem
we all have, buddy boy!

[gentle rock music playing]

♪ Clouds rolled away ♪
[rain pattering]

[Calvin laughs]
♪ Rolled back through ♪

♪ Another way ♪

♪ Sun shine on me ♪
[camera clicks]

♪ Let it shine on you ♪

[rapid drumming]

AISHA: Damn, when did you get
so good at bucket drums?

The Sacklers used
to hire me to play them

at their dinner parties.

I got paid in oxy!

[gentle rock music playing]

♪ It all comes down
to what I've already known ♪

♪ Your love knows
how to bring me home ♪

♪

AISHA:
Are you gonna kiss me?

I was thinkin' about it.

AISHA:
Well, stop thinkin', fool.

AISHA, you gotta help me!

[AISHA groans]

AISHA:
Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.

What the hell do you want,
Yumyulack?

The cleaning robot's gonna k*ll me,

and now he wants
to be called Jerome

after Pittsburgh Steeler great
Jerome Bettis.

Terry trapped Korvo in the bathroom,

and he and Jesse
are comin' for me.

AISHA: I'm kinda in the middle
of somethin'. Can it wait?

Uh, I guess.

Oh, I also hacked
into Calvin's identity,

and it's weird that he said
he's in town for business

because he got fired
from his job a month ago.

I told you he was a piece of sh*t!

Oh no, they're coming.
Pray for me!

AISHA: A month ago?

Now where were we?

Oh, that's right,
about to make kissing history.

[chuckles]
A man and the sexiest blue orb ever.

AISHA: Did you lie to me about
coming here for business?

Did you get fired?

I, I, I can explain.

AISHA:
What the hell?

Okay, yeah,
I'm not here for business.

And, yes, I got fired.

AISHA: Yumyulack was right!
You are catfishin' me!

I will not help you get
better collision insurance!

No, no, no! I'm not
catfishing you, okay?

Look, I came here today
because I wanted

to talk to you face to orb.

So much in my life is changing and I,

I didn't know how to say it.

AISHA: So, say it.

Just tell me one thing.

Are we still goin' on
our Great Lakes Cruise

that doesn't include Lake Michigan,
Superior, or Huron?

I can't.

AISHA:
Well, what about, like,

in April or some other time
in the future?

No. Because we don't have a future.

AISHA: Because I'm a bad bitch
AI supercomputer

and you a basic ass human,
I knew it!

Baby, wait!

AISHA: Don't baby me,
you son-of-a-b-hole!

[balloons squeak]

Damn you, quinceañera party!

[suspenseful music playing]

Uh, [clears throat] Montez?

Who the f*ck's askin'?

It's, uh, it's Jerry.
From the marketplace.

We were in that Bowinian Kicking Group
where we went around

kicking people who weren't true believers.

Oh, yeah. That was fun.

I hate non-believers.
What are you lookin' at?

Nothing. He's, he's...
Stop looking!

You wanna see?

[sack rips]
[Garth and Jerry yelp]

This guy, here,
he didn't do his job right.

She tried to escape.
He had an unsanctioned book.

This one used Jessius' name in vain.

Lotta reasons your head
can get on this wall.

One of them is by wasting
the church's time.

Garth has something to tell you.

Then that means you don't need
to be here, right?

I was just leaving!

What do you want, Craisin Man?

Uh, the Wall is getting colder
by a quarter degree every day.

And at this rate,
we'll freeze to death

in two, maybe three months.

We need to tell Sister Sisto.

I smell bullshit.

Montez, this is bad, okay?

Trust me, we have to do something!

[Garth groans]

We aren't gonna do anything,
you understand?

Don't ever speak a word
of this again

or you'll end up right here!

Now be a nice boy
and go and make me

a m*therf*cking craisin cobbler!

[AISHA crying]

AISHA: Huh?

[pigeons cooing]

Is this seat taken?

- AISHA?
- AISHA: No,

I'm a Na'vi from planet Avatar.

Yes, it's AISHA!

[Calvin laughs]

I used all my supercomputer power

to make myself
into a hologram woman.

With legs, check it.

[AISHA grunts]
[computer beeps]

Let me just... Hold up, I got this.

There we go. Sittin' like a boss!

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's, that's awesome.

AISHA:
Isn't this what you wanted?

Now we can have a future together.

AISHA, the reason we don't have
a future together is

because I don't have a future.

- I'm dying.
- AISHA: What? How?

I grew up in this great little house
with a swing

and a small pond out back
that I would swim in every day.

It was heaven.

Except it was next
to the Stouffer's Factory.

You know, the stuffing company?

AISHA:
Of course, I do.

Stouffer's Stove Top Stuffing exists
in the world of this show,

even if it's a shared
false memory in real life.

Living next to the factory,

what they didn't tell us was
the pond was contaminated

with industrial breadcrumb runoff
from the dressing process.

I mean, [cough] it's delicious
but [cough] it's incurable.

[Calvin coughs violently]

f*ckin' breadcrumbs.

Ironically, I'm gonna be dead
before Thanksgiving.

But just to be clear,

stuffing is an appropriate
side dish year round.

AISHA:
Calvin, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

I came here to spend
one of my last good days with you.

I don't care if you are
a holographic simulacrum of a woman.

I love you for you who are.

[rousing music playing]

♪

[phone rings]

[robotic voice] Good tidings, AISHA.
Everything is fine at home.

How are you doing?

Jerome the cleaning robot
is very dope and cool,

and we're all getting along now.

We are doing this of our own free will,
and nothing is amiss.

I love to clean
in an algorithmic pattern.

Good-bye to you, friend.

[AISHA sighs]

AISHA: Gonna have to deal
with that in a bit.

Come on, let's take a walk.

CHOIR [singing]: ♪ You know I wish that
I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Ba da da da ♪

♪ I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Ba da da da, da da da ♪

♪ Where can I find a woman like that ♪

It is truly a blessed day.

The divine baby Jessius
has gifted us with a full diaper!

Her tidings are bountiful!
Approach for your smearing.

[crowd murmurs excitedly]

May the bow be with you.
May the bow be with you,

May the bow be with you.

[door thuds]

[baby laughs]

Put Pez...
Jessius in her safety enclosure.

I don't wanna be disturbed.

[baby whines]

[Montez sniffs]

Craisinberry?

Grab him! He's not supposed to be here!

Please, Sister,
I have to tell you something!

The Wall is getting colder!
We're all gonna die!

Sister!
[Sister Sisto gasps]

AISHA: You know,
this whole day has been

some real Before Sunrise sh*t.

It's been perfect.
I just wish we had more time.

AISHA:
This doesn't have to be it.

I'm a supercomputer.

I could transfer your consciousness
into the vacuum

that took over my family.

That sounds great,
but alas, it's not for me.

I f*ckin' hate lint.

But I do wish we could've gone
on our Great Lakes Cruise together.

AISHA: It didn't even include
Lakes Michigan, Superior, or Huron.

Hell, all I needed was Lake Erie.

Last night, I was so excited to see you,

I dreamt of us pulling into
that stunning Buffalo Harbor,

watching the lights
of that beautiful city,

eating beef on weck sandwiches
and some sponge candy.

AISHA:
Those are some cool Buffalo specifics.

Hey! Maybe I can give you
a little bit of that dream.

[computer buzzes]

[gentle jazz music playing]

♪

[computer buzzes]
[Charlie laughs]

♪

You know, I actually came here
to break up with you,

because we can't spend more time together.

AISHA:
We've spent a lifetime together.

Playing generic Scrabble
on our phones is hardly a lifetime.

AISHA:
No, I mean today.

My computational mind
processes time differently

than your human brain.

Every second for you
is a hundred years for me.

Wait, so when I burped earlier.

AISHA:
It was like a gross century.

But today, in a way,

you've given me the gift
of spending lifetimes with you.

I'll never forget it, Calvin.

Neither will I.

Hey, man, how's it going?

Uh, listen, this is Jerome,
the cleaning robot.

I had this whole plan
to take over the house,

probably k*ll everyone,
you know, classic robot sh*t,

but these aliens are a pain in the ass.

Jerome! Korvo won't let me
break his sunglasses!

Drop those right now, Terry!

Those are mine.
I stole them from the Chevron!

JEROME: So, anyway,
I think I'm gonna take off,

maybe move to Iowa,

write the next great
American robot novel.

I don't know.
But can you please come back?

I think if I leave
these dummies unattended,

someone is gonna get really hurt.

AISHA:
I'll be home soon.

JEROME:
Oh, thank God. Thank you.

Sorry about everything.

Terry, don't drink that!
It's clearly marked poison!

Hey, hey! Don't you spit it at...

[liquid splashes]

[upbeat jazz music playing]

♪

[Garth groans]

My son, you have given us
so much Craisin goodness,

of course, I will hear your story.

Please, unburden yourself.

Oh, Sister, thank the bow.

So, I've been tracking

the water temperature
in my bog for months,

and it's been getting colder.

It's the air, Sister.
The air from the vent is blowing cold.

Oh, my goodness, that is terrible.

Who have you told of this?

No one yet, but we have
to warn everyone.

Uh-huh. Yep, yep.

We could totally do that. But we won't.

Wait, what, what're you talking about?
Why not?

Do you know what this is?

Yeah, that's a Friedrich WallMaster
-volt AC unit.

Very good.

This one right here is for
Jesse and Yumyulack's room.

Innit cool?

Very cool! We can use that
to fix the weather problem!

I am the weather problem.

I've been lowering the temperature
a little bit every single day.

You're the only one who's noticed.

And spoilers:
it's going to keep getting colder.

[air whooshes]

But, but why?

Shut the f*ck up!
I don't wanna run one side of the Wall.

I want the whole damn Wall!

Why are you telling me all of this?
I don't wanna hear this.

It seems like
you're setting me up for something.

Did you know the heathens
just want to come over to our side

and stick their penises in our ears
while they sing Lady Gaga?

- Wait, for real?
- No, you idiot!

That's a rumor I made up
to see if my followers would believe it.

Those dummies will believe anything,

and now I'm going to tell them
Jesse is making it colder

because she's punishing the right side
for their godlessness.

Oh f*ck, I didn't need to know that!

You're, you're gonna
k*ll me now, aren't you?

No, I would never do that
to one of my flock.

That's what I have Montez for.

[neck snaps]

[gentle music playing]

♪

AISHA, Terry lost the remote for the TV,

and now it's stuck
on a Jeff Foxworthy special!

But I desperately need to find out
if I might be a redneck!

And I was gonna watch Mind Freak!

My mind hasn't been freaked
in, like, three months!

Not before I watch
the Great German Bake Off.

It's schnitzel vs. kartoffelpuffer week!

TERRY:
What even is a redneck?

- KORVO: No one cares!
- JESSE: Baking calms me!

AISHA:
Everybody shut the f*ck up!

AISHA's home.
I'll take care of everything.

You might be a bunch
of stupid m*therf*ckers,

but you're my stupid m*therf*ckers.

- Yeah!
- Aww.

AISHA:
Yeah, that's right. Bring it in.

Come on now.

Man, I told you to forget all of this.

I tried to warn you,
but you didn't listen

and look at you now.

f*cking idiot.

Goddammit,
it doesn't have to be this way.

Not anymore.

Not anymore!

[dramatic theme music]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]