04x11 - The Unwanted Personification of Terry

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

I'm so flippin' stoked to finally go

to the newest, most-cash-grabbiest
Instagram attraction in town:

the Sprinkle Museum.

I'm gonna take a thirst trap
with every kinda sprinkle there is.

Jimmies, nonpareils,
even the f*cking blue ones!

Nobody's going anywhere.

I have to express your mounds.

The stink is attracting
those giant spiders again.

f*ck that, no way.

Not the brusher.

Just let us be stanky!

- My mound, my choice.
- Hell no.

I'm tired of slipping on pus
when I'm doing my Tae Bo.

Bend over.

Jesse, hold this bag

and collect all the dribblings
and the sprays.

- Ecch! It's gonna get on me.
- Be proud.

'Tis one of the great Shlorpian honors

to hold the mound gunk satchel.

I'll never forgive you for this, Korvo!
I hate you!

[brush whirring]

[Yumyulack laughing]
[Jesse gagging]

Woo-hoo! It tickles.
It tickles.

- Do, do, do, do, do, do.
- Ugh.

Get it all, Jesse!

We can pour it in molds
and make our own gummy bears.

TERRY: Ooh, are we getting
our mounds expressed?

Me next, me next!

Alright, Terry, you can be next,

just drop your pants and let's see...

[Korvo screams]

- [Yumyulack gasps]
- Jesus Jessica Parker.

- TERRY: What?
- Terry, you have a human penis!

And you're human!

I'm, I'm a human

and I've got a slightly
above average human penis!

[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse scream]

KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo.
This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do they always say what happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas,

but then they never freeze time there.

If you're gonna cheat on your wife,

have the dignity to use
a chrononullifier,

Anthony K. Delgado Jr.!

[dramatic music]

Wow. You gotta touch these ears.

I can't believe I got a penis
and a nose and a d*ck

and a head full of hair
and a schlong.

Jeepers. I can't believe
you're actually human.

This is so cool.

Oh, my gosh.
Do you have a butt hole?

I don't know. You tell me.

[Jesse and Yumyulack cheering]

- He's got a butt hole.
- He's got a butt hole.

- He's got a butt hole!
- He's got a butt hole!

Oh, what kind of stuff
should I put in it?

Ooh, give me that gunk wand!

Nuh-uh. Nobody's putting
anything in Terry's butt hole.

Except me.
After we figure out how this happened.

Oh, come on. You never let me
put anything in anything.

[machine whirring]

Damn it. It's just as I feared.

Terry's body transformation is

a natural Shlorpian reaction
to being on the planet

for too long without the Pupa
terraforming it.

What does that have to do with it?

His physical form has adapted
to better assimilate

among the planet's dominant species.

Blade? Am I a Daywalker?

No! Humans!

How come it happened to Terry first?

Because he's weak-minded
and succumbed to the temptations

of human culture long before you two did.

That's me, baby.

Succumbin' to the temp-tache
of the cultch.

Will me and Jesse turn human too?

Of course! You two have succumbed
to popular culture as much as Terry.

Jesse with boy-toyin'
and Yumyulack with your tea-bagging.

At least we'll be humans together.

Ha! I will remain
a perfect shade of blue

because I haven't succumbed
to a single temp-tache.

I'm Shlorpian ride or die. No cap.

Is it too late to do anything about it?

The transformation takes six months
to become permanent.

It's like when you're making panna cotta,
the cream has to set.

I hate when Korvo
compares things to panna cotta.

The Book of Boba Fett
versus Alien vs. Predator

is nothing like panna cotta.

Well, I guess we just kick back
and enjoy watching me

get snackier and drippier by the day!

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants.

No, it's too dangerous to wait.

Being Shlorpian is who we are,
and we can't lose that.

We must leave Earth immediately.

Being in outer space
will cause you to revert

to your natural form.

But, but, but what about
the Sprinkle Museum?

They just disinfected
from the meningitis.

No! There'll be
no sprinkle selfies today.

Everyone to the ship!

Where the f*ck's my ship?

Hold on, does this mean the ship
can actually be flown around?

I thought it was broken.
That's kind of a big deal, you know?

[sighs] The ship has worked
since last year

when I turned into goo.

I didn't tell you because
everyone was having such a good time

as a team here on Earth.

Aww, that's so sweet.

Being sweet was wrong!

I should have stayed harsh.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you guys didn't know

the ship works.

I take it out every Sunday
when Korvo isn't watching.

What? How?

You can't even use the transmogrifier
without burning your hands.

You made me read the manual,
like, a hundred times

under thr*at of death!

f*ck, that's right.

Okay, fine,
well, where is it then?

Um, I recently borrowed it

for one of my iconic Friday through Sunday
"Terry Freak-ends."

Dang, this new human brain
runs hot and slow.

Havin' a hard time
remembering the deets.

Do you really not remember
or are you just saying

you don't remember because you wanna stall

and do sh*t in your human body
before we leave.

- A little bit of both.
- Terrald!

Look, I just wanna experience
what being human's like.

Anyway, I'll be back. Byeeeee!

Terry, get back here,
we have to find the ship!

Oh!

f*cking spiders! Damn it!

Okay, our only course of action
is to blow the horn

that calls giant monsters out of the sea
and use them to hunt down Terry

and force him to tell us
where the ship is.

It'll cause devastating earthquakes

and most of us won't survive,
but it's our only option left.

[spider screeches]
[Korvo gasps]

sh*t!

YUMYULACK: I don't know what
you're so worried about.

Every time Terry runs away,

you know he comes crawling back
when he realizes

this is where
all his action figures are stored.

Usually, he hasn't lost
the ship full of all the stuff

that makes me awesome.

JESSE:
Guys, guys, guys.

I found Terry's
Veronica's Closet lunchbox.

Maybe there's something
in these treasures

that could tell us where he went.

Phoenix feather,
that b*llet you guys bought,

a witch's finger.

Oh! A roll of -millimeter film
marked "freak-end."

To the dark room.
Yes! Woo!

[groans]
I'll be there in a minute.

Keep sucking, get all around the rim.

[suspenseful music]

♪

Look, Terry went to MTV's Spring Break:
Running of the Bulls.

The ship must still be in Pamplona.

Tight! I'll get the hover platform.

It's on the ship
along with all the other stuff

that makes our lives
so easy breezy.

So how on God's green earth
are we getting to Spain?

An airplane?

No, we're still trying
to get off the no-fly list

for that time Terry tried
to join the Mile High Club

by himself in the aisle.

Luckily, Mr. Awesome Genius
foresaw this possibility

and constructed a secret backup vehicle

and stored it in an underground bunker

in the backyard a year ago.

Now all we need to do
is buy some shovels.

I guess Mr. Awesome Genius
didn't think

to leave himself a tunnel.

I think you like an excuse
to go to the hardware store.

I do not.

Hey, Dale, how's that shed going?

Get that hinge on.

Maurice! Upgrading the old pergola!

That's gonna be peaceful as f*ck.

[singing] ♪ Having some fun
at the hardware store ♪

♪ Saws and paints
and so much more ♪

This would be a lot faster
if we had the shovel ray.

Well, thanks to Terry, we don't.

God knows what that selfish f*ck
is up to right now.

[sensual music]

[Terry laughing]

Oh.

[sensual music]

Damn, you're human as f*ck.

Thank you.
You wanna see my human penis?

f*ck yeah. Whip it out.

[shovels scraping]

Okay. This should be it.
My secret vehicle.

Oh, no, the robots from season one.

Shut the door before they talk
or we'll have to pay em'!

[mechanical whirring]
[door clangs]

Okay, here we go, this is it.

[mechanical whirring]

Behold the Hammerhead .

What was the "Hammerhead "?

I just put a " " at the end
of this because I thought

it sounded more kickass.

Hammerhead !

YUMYULACK/JESSE:
Hammerhead ! Hammerhead !

It's got an advanced design
I cribbed from a He-Man toy

that can traverse any environment.

Let's go!

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
What's up, buddies?

Welcome aboard
the Hammerhead Dos!

Call me the Weasel.

Yowwww!

Is it on Pauly Shore mode?

That's gonna get annoying fast.

It's just what
a computer voice sounds like

if it's been buried
and forgotten for a year.

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Pam-pa-lone-a!

Sweet, buddy.

Estimated arrival: days.

YUMYULACK/JESSE:
Aww.

Those times always drop
once you get on the road.

[mechanical whirring]

[upbeat music]

[crowd cheering]

[bull bellows]
[man screams]

Stupid f*cking GPS.
That took forever.

I don't know,
seems like we made good time

considering we had to sidewind
across the ocean floor.

Look around for any sign
of the ship or Terry.

That's one of Terry's stupid shirts!

Hey, lady,
where'd you get your t-shirt?

This old-ass alien gave it to me
for showing him

how to do winged eyeliner.

- Did he have a ship?
- Yep.

Did you f*ck him?

I totally would have,

but he said he was in love
with some guy named Crumbo.

Who the sh*t is Crumbo?

Korvo.

Oh. Right. 'Cause I love crumbs.

Well, what did he do with the ship?

I don't know, last I heard,

he and the amateur circus
were gonna fly it to Burning Man.

That flaming gentleman
must be where the ship is!

Solars-minus-Terry, rollout!

Set course for Nevada!

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Oh, bummer, buddy.

Due to mucho heavy headwinds,

arrival time is:

days.

Come on!

Ah, sh**t, I'm doing a glow!

[angelic vocalizing]

Guys, guys! I'm a human!
And I gots boobs!

Let me touch 'em! Uh, I-I-I mean,
who cares, humans are lame.

sh*t. I told you this would happen.

We just have to keep looking for the ship.

Don't panic, stay on course.

Panic? Look at me!

I'm young, hot, and ready
to sign up for a student loan!

Don't you pull a Terry!

I wanna experience
the uniquely human activities

I've always dreamed about,

like waiting in line at the DMV,

paying taxes,
and having jury duty!

That's what you've always wanted?

Aliens never get to do all
the boring, mundane human stuff.

I gotta skedaddle! Toodle-oo!

f*cking goddammit!
[sighs]

I guess it's just you and me, Yumyulack.

The original bad boys.

Hammerhead , get us out of here

and this time avoid highways.

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
New route locked in.

Updated arrival time:

days.
[men grunt]

Son of a bitch!

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Ow, ow!

[upbeat energetic music]

It's official, people.
The man is burnt!

WICKER MAN:
Oh, please, release me.

Let me go back to my home world.

Have I not suffered enough?

Oh, thank you, kind s...
[g*nsh*t]

I can't believe
Terry and Jesse bailed on us.

Thank you for remaining dedicated
to the mission, Yumyulack.

You are now officially the good replicant.

Sure, whatever.
Check out what Jesse's been up to.

JESSE [on phone]:
What is up to my followers!

J-So here at the Social
Security Administration,

finally getting my very own
Social Security Number.

Bwaaap bwaaap!
Bweep bweep bweep bweep!

Heck yeah! - - ! That's me!

Ooh ooh ohh!

Ignore her base humanity,

just be alert for any signs of the ship.
Ugh!

That hasheesh man is living
in part of my stardrive!

Drug addict. Where did you get this?

Aw, man.
This alien dude traded it to me

for a jar of clean piss,

which he drank without sharing.

- Clean piss. Lucky!
- Yup, that's Terry.

That dude was weird.

I don't know if he's
gonna make it to Vegas.

Las Vegas?

But he swore he would never go back
after he didn't make

the cast of Brah,
The Blink Cirque du Soleil show.

Dude, he was ranting about
something called Sabacc.

What the hell is that?

It's a fictional card game
he saw in a movie.

Terry only likes to play games
with deep ties

to cannon and lore.

Why does he have to be
so f*cking extra about everything?

Terry's always bragging
about how good he is at Sabacc.

If casinos are cashing in
on the ascension of nerd culture,

he'd be attracted to the gaming tables
like an owl to a bat

to a moth to a flame!

A casino!

Yumyulack, help me hitch
the recombulator to the Hammerhead.

Sorry, hippie. We're taking
this sweet piece of sci-fi back.

Sure thing, brah.

I should get back to my old life anyway,

solving crimes using
my heightened sense of smell.

Yumyulack! How long have you had
that human leg meat?

Oh, man. Just a few days.

I didn't say anything because
I thought you'd cut them off.

I wasn't going to do that,
but it's a good idea.

Give me those f*cking legs!

- [Yumyulack screaming]
- Whoa!

f*ck! I knew we gave you
too many Lunchables

and Xbox Live.

Whoa. I'm a human, and I've got
one, two, three, four, five, six...

[gasps] several pubes.

Are you gonna run off
to do human stuff now too?

I won't be able to handle it if you do!

Um, no, of course not.

I'm, uh, just gonna borrow
this bike real quick.

Don't try to escape me
on that old-timey bicycle!

Hammerhead, pursuit course!
Maximum speed!

[mechanical whirring]

[ropes snap]

sh*t! Stupid slow-ass Hammerhead .

HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER: Hey, buddy,
when are we gonna wheeze the juice?

We are never wheezing any liquid!

Aim at Vegas, full Hammer ahead.

[upbeat music playing]

Was there a guy
named Terry here recently?

Ye tall. Green. Good-looking.
Probably eating gum?

Yeah, I remember that f*ckin' guy.

He paid for his
Vegas Vegas Memories DVD

and never picked it up.

Let's transition wipe to my office.

TERRY:
Where's the fictional game room?

I want to play Sabacc and Gwent, bitch!
[girls cries]

Jesus. Fast forward through this.

What the...

These freaks all look like they win
fictional card games for a living.

What was Terry thinking?

Pfft, easy mode.

This is exactly like it was in the Solo.

I call and raise you

an actual spaceship!

He bet the ship? How was his hand?

He had five crescent moons
and a fist of swords.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't f*cking know. It's bad, I think.

We change the rules
on these nerd games on the fly

all the time.

Holy f*ck!

Well, at least nobody will ever see this.

I want that ship back!

Return it now or I will mercilessly
lay waste to this entire casino.

Sorry, sir, this vehicle
is now the property

of the Vegas Vegas corporation,

and you need to f*ckin' leave.

Prim this guest.

What the hell? Stop it.

Why are you shoving me
into a cement mixer?

[Korvo screaming]

I can't see! I can't see!

Okay, now I can see.

Goddammit, I can't believe my team
has left me to do this by myself.

I really hope they're all miserable.

dr*gs are so much better
when they actually get you high!

[yelling]

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We haven't, Your Honor.

Looks like we need to be sequestered!

Out of the way, normal kid.

We're about to bully
that left-handed kid.

He's now the weirdest kid at school!

I'm not weird! Ha, ha!

[thunder rumbling]

f*ck, nobody said
this was stacked parking!

The Hammerhead isn't designed to traverse
tightly packed spaces!

Hello? Can someone please move
these gambling addicts' cars?

Hello?

How? How has it come to this?

[thunder rumbling]

A nose? No! No, no, no!

Ears? sh*t!
I don't want to be a f*cking human!

Noooooo!

[suspenseful music]

♪

Sorry I'm late.
I had a court date.

I heard about you getting arrested
for calling that judge

"a bitch, a whole bitch,
and nothing but a bitch."

She couldn't handle me requesting
a "motion to dismiss"

for the reasons that
she "sucked fat sh*t."

Now I gotta wear this everywhere.

Plus, I'm in a buttload of debt
because people keep using

my Social Security Number
to take out loans.

Things haven't gone well for me either.

Everyone at school ignores me
now that I'm human.

At least when I was a bullied alien,
I was being noticed.

[sighs]
This being human stuff is the pits.

I tried changing my name
to "Baxter Cool"

to stand out, but then I found out

there's already a kid
named "Baxter Badass."

So now everyone at school
just calls me Baxter C.

Holy geez. Is that Terry?

[flies buzzing]

Jesse, Yumyulack,
it's great to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

What the hell happened to you?

Waddaya mean? I've been thriving.

[hacking cough]

[groans]
Oh, cripes, the wound's open again.

I need to get fresh rags,
but, uh, other than that,

things are good.

Yeah.

Terry.

Okay, fine, the last four
and a half months have been hell!

I didn't know the sh*t humans do
to their bodies was permanent.

My penis ring's been infected
a half dozen times

and I'm addicted to cr*ck!

I didn't even know you could get addicted.

I just love the minty flavor.

Turning human was
the worst mistake of our lives.

We should never have bailed on Korvo.

Then it's settled.

We're going home and undoing all of this!

But isn't Korvo mad at us?

Are you kidding?

He's gonna goosh his robes
when we come walking up.

Just imagine how lonely and depressed
he's been without us.

Just him and the Pupa
in that big house,

sitting around and doing jack sh*t?

Poor Korvo.
I hope he somehow held it together.

TERRY:
What the hell? Where's the ship?

YUMYULACK:
He never got it back!

JESSE:
Uh, guys, what's with all the dogs?

[dogs barking]

Ahh!

Okay, what the f*ck is going on here?

Hey! No humans allowed.

How many times do I gotta say it?

This is a brothel for dogs.

Opening a dog brothel's
been my dream for years

and the Pupa stole it?

f*ck you, Pupa!

[spider screeches]
[man yelps]

We can't be humans anymore!
We gotta get off this planet!

Please, Pupa, if you care
about this family at all,

tell us where is Korvo?

[upbeat dance music playing]

Whoa, what is this place?

The Smokeshow House,

the ultimate club for the sexiest,

most boner-generating people alive.

I believe you're describing me!

What the hell's Korvo doing
in a place like this?

Maybe he turned human
and he's like a busboy or something?

Maybe the cool people
take shits on him for fun.

I heard that's what they do to losers.

it's never happened to me, heh.

Well, well, well, my old alien family!

What a surprise.

Korvo?
[glass shatters]

You've turned into the most
gorgeous human I've ever seen!

Not bad, right?

It's been a good few months.

Allow me to introduce
some of my new friends.

Brad Pitt, regular Michael B. Jordan,

and jacked Kumail Nanjiani.

I assume you're here
to say "I told you so"

because being a human is awesome.

No, we thought you would tell us so.

I cannot.
It was you who told me so.

Korvo, the six-month
panna cotta period is almost up.

We gotta leave Earth A-S-A-mmediately

if we ever wanna be Shlorpians again.

Good. I don't want to be Shlorpian.

JESSE/YUMYULACK/TERRY:
What?

My life's great now.

I'm the new face of Edible Dude Wipes
For Her For him.

People finally respect me for what counts,

my symmetrical ass and d*ck dimples,

not the stupid content of my character!

But you said
"being Shlorpian is who we are."

Well, if I did, that was stupid.

Being proud of who you are deep down
on the inside is cringe.

Yo, K. These AmazonBasics-looking
m*therf*ckers bugging you?

It's fine, Momoa.
They were just leaving.

Leo, slurp Patrón off my five-pack.

Korvo's lost his marbles
and replaced them

with new, fine-as-hell marbles!

[sighs]

Holy sh*t, what a snack.

If I was that hot,
I would never ever look back at my family!

Man, I've lost the second love of my life,

right behind Pizza Hut
Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Wait. We might not be aliens
and we might not be beautiful,

but we have what counts in here.

Like what, our integrity?

No. Blood. We're full of blood!

[slurping]

What the f*ck?

This little bitch just
sprayed me with blood!

Yeah, and I'm f*cking full to the brim!

[all screaming]

Michael B. Jordan
be covered in B, I mean blood!

Ahh!
[grunts]

[screams]

- Yeah!
- Ha, ha! Suckers!

Stop spraying my hot friends
with your ugly blood!

Oh, God, It's reverting me back

to what I looked like before I sold
my soul to that witch!

No! No! Oh, God!

[groans]

Our unattractive blood is so potent,

it's melting the hotness
right off these himbos!

Is it working?

It's getting hard to see.

Don't we need to hang on
to some of this blood?

No, that's a myth!
Bones make blood.

[groans]
[thuds]

Ahhhh!

Ah!

Whoa! Keep your ugly blood away
from my beautiful body!

You can have Nanjiani!

Oh, no! He's getting away!

But damn, do I like to watch him go.

Hold on, guys,
I need to eat this cookie.

I sprayed too much blood.

No time. Jump!

[dramatic music]

♪

Ah!

Protect me, my Aussie hunks!

It's the Hemsworth brothers!

They even brought the weird one!

sh*t, I'm out of blood!

[all scream]
TERRY: Stand back.

[screams]
Gah-gah-gah-gah,

I smoke what I smoke
and that's all that I smoke!

[Hemsworth brothers screaming]

It's official,
cr*ck isn't whack, baby!

JESSE: Yeah!

Oh, sh*t, cr*ck fire!

This blimp is soaked in Drakkar Noir
by Guy La Roche,

one of the most flammable substances
in the galaxy.

It's gonna go off
like a Molotov cockring!

TERRY:
There's nowhere else to go, Korvo!

This hot guy blimp is about to blow!

Take my hand!

Agh! So ugly!

I'd rather die a Chad
than go back to being a simp.

[expl*si*n booms]
Ahh!

Aww, jeez! We're all gonna die
as humans!

[spaceship whooshing]

Pupa!

Korvo, you stupid ass!

Come with us!

No, I won't go back!

[expl*si*n booms]
Ahh!

Look, Korvo, it's someone casting
for The Bachelor!

Really?

[screams]

[all screaming]

AISHA, get us off this planet!

AISHA:
You got it, dummy.

No! I finally fit in!

[expl*si*n booms]

[spaceship whooshes]

♪

Wow, I guess the Pupa used the profits

from his dog brothel to buy
the ship back from the casino.

God bless you, you green blob!

I'm getting tired.

Hey, you're not still upset
that we k*lled a bunch

of your hot celeb friends
seconds ago, are you?

Yes, I'm still upset!
I had the perfect life.

Korvo, I know you liked
being a sexy human,

but this is for the best.

We need to get back
our regular bodies, it's who we are.

And now that we've seen
how f*cked up humans are,

we're rededicated to the mission,
just like you always wanted.

I... I do like that.

Plus, you're like our hot leader now.

And hot leaders are the best.

It's true.
I'm sorry for how I acted.

I clearly had "hot guy brain"
and it was making me crazy.

Now that we're back on the ship,
I am glad you rescued me.

I know exactly what to do.

We'll go live on another planet
for a bit until we revert back

to our old Shlorpian bodies.

♪

It'll be a nice change of pace
to live on a world

where we aren't being treated like
a bunch of freaky aliens.

[crashes]

[vehicle approaching]

Go back to your own planet,
you filthy f*cking humans!

f*ck you, I hate this planet!

You people are stupid and confusing.

Aw cripes.

[dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]