04x04 - No Dinner

[bunniefuu]

- Hi.
- [GASPS] Oh.

[LAUGHS] Hello, love.

You and Dad are going out
for dinner later, right?

Um, yeah, we've got a
table booked for :.

If we were dreadful people,

we might even call it a date night.

Well, before that, there's
someone coming around

who I'd like you to meet.

- Her name's Holly.
- Holly. Okay, great.

And she's my girlfriend.

Hey! Hey, Ava. That's,
uh, that's fantastic.

It is. I thought it was about
time. Anyway, she's brilliant.

- You'll like her.
- Of course we will.

Don't do anything weird,
but you're gonna love her.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's only been two weeks,

but it feels like ages... in a good way.

- Do you remember that feeling?
- Just about. Yes.

Well, it's a great feeling.

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

[GRUNTS] Hey, hon.

- Paul, Amber alert. Amber alert.
- What?

I'm pretty sure Ava just came out.

Wow!

[EXHALES DEEPLY] sh*t. It's happening.

Yes! She wants to introduce
us to her girlfriend

before we head out tonight. Holly.

Thought you said her name was Amber.

Oh, Christ. It's good
to laugh, isn't it, Paul?

Sorry. Yeah, yeah, all right.

[CHUCKLES] Listen, let's not
f*ck this one up, shall we?

Noted. I mean, it's
nice, though, isn't it?

- Nice that she's including us.
- Yeah.

- [AVA] Mum?
- [WHISPERS] Oh, f*ck.

- Hiya, love.
- We're out of peanut butter.

Do we have any more? Because
Holly loves peanut butter.

It's, like, one of her things.

Have you checked behind
Dad's horrible chutneys?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]

Ooh!

You're gonna love her, Mum.

[SINGSONGY] Ta-da! [CHUCKLES]

- Lovely to meet ya, Ally.
- Hi, Ava.

- [ALLY] Oh.
- It's an orange. Wine.

Looks like auld piss, but tastes
nothing like it, I promise.

[LAUGHS] "Auld piss." Fantastic.

That's... That's very,
very kind of you. Thanks.

[CHUCKLES]

- I'm Siobhan.
- Yes, no, yeah, of course.

Darren's told me so much about you.

- Oh, God, how much?
- Tons.

In fact, I thought he
might have been going

- through your bins.
- Uh, Siobhan's building, uh,

actually has communal bins, so...

- So, were you guys...
- Uh, I wouldn't go through them

- even if they weren't.
- No. Yeah. Um...

But were you just passing by

and you sensed that I
needed some wine or...

[CHUCKLES] No, we're here for dinner.

You invited us round for dinner?

Yes, but, oh, God, no,
no. That's not this week.

- That's next week.
- I don't think so.

Mm. Um...

Sorry.

sh*t. sh*t.

Yes. Oh. Susie and Chris
are coming, too. Um...

Would you like us to bugger off?

No! No, no, no, no. It's
fine. Come... Come on in.

I was just about to put on
a massive pot of... food.

- Food?
- Yeah.

One of my favorites. [CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DISH CLATTERS]

Is this okay? With Holly coming?

Fine. Nice for her to meet
everyone. I want this to be...

well, not a huge thing, but a big thing.

Okay. Right. Drinks.

- Can I just use your bathroom?
- I can show you where it is.

Just going upstairs myself.

[LOWERED VOICE] Right, uh, one
thing. I haven't got any kids.

- Have they d*ed?
- They haven't,

but as far as Siobhan's
concerned, they don't exist.

So, you haven't told Siobhan
about your twin girls?

That's mad.

I just sort of panicked
at the start there.

Well, how long ago was the start?

A couple of months back.

Siobhan is child-free,
and the twins are,

well, you know, a strong flavor.

I think I love her, Ally.

I think I'd rather have
Siobhan than the twins.

You don't mean that.

You know it's their
th coming up? Birthday?

Do you know what they asked me for?

I thought maybe new
phones, concert tickets,

but they asked me if
I'd climb into a suitcase

and let them carry me
around for minutes.

- Jesus Christ.
- I think they just wanted

to see if they could make me do it.

You know, capitulate to their
will. I mean, they're .

- Did you do it?
- Yes, of course I did it.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh.

Please, Ally, just for tonight,
until I figure something out.

[LOWERED VOICE] Ally!

Susie!

Oh, sorry, it's just me.
Chris won't be joining us.

He's busy downloading a dating app.

I broke it off with
him on Sunday evening.

Oh, God. Your busiest
day and everything.

- [SIGHS]
- Come here.

- Oh, I got you this.
- Thanks.

Oh, hey, Ava. How are you doing?

Susie, I didn't know you
were coming. It's been ages!

I can't wait to tell Holly

she's about to meet Susie, the vicar.

She's heard all about you.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Really, I'd never seen
anyone taller than me

struggle with the top
shelf at the supermarket,

much less a man, as in,
you know, a young-ish man.

And I know this is the oddest
f*cking thing to say out loud,

but there was just something
so sweetly pathetic about him.

And here we are.

You know, like, like, in
a kid's book when, say,

a crocodile makes friends with a worm.

- Mm.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh. Sorry. [SIGHS]

Sorry. It's just, um...
Uh, won't be a tick.

What do you mean, "something urgent"?

No, sorry. It's your night with them.

I can't have the girls because
I'm not at home tonight.

Okay. Right.

Well, your location app
is wrong, Karen, 'cause...

yeah, I'm only near Ally's house.

[SIGHS] I'm actually with
one of the guys from Pilates.

Yeah, Julian.

Yeah, we're off out on
a big session of booze.

Yeah, so don't come to Ally's.

Not come to Ally's 'cause
I'm not here. There.

Just don't go to Ally...

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- You all right, Darren?

Mm-hmm. How do you turn off
shared location on your phone?

- I have no idea.
- Oh, bugger!

[LOWERED VOICE] Are you
sure you're all right

about the , descending here?

Oh, no, it's fine, honestly.

- The more, the merrier.
- Okay.

I actually really want
Holly to meet Susie.

I didn't know I did, but I do.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

- Hi, Holly!
- But I actually upped

and changed parishes to Reading.

- Oh.
- To be with Chris

and his two kids. Two of them.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] I never had kids,

never wanted them,
never once regretted it.

Children are not easy. Right?

So I gather, yeah.

- This is very good wine.
- [GLASS CLATTERS]

- Where's this wine from?
- [PAUL] Hiya!

Oh, Paul's here. Great. Good on Paul.

- Hey.
- [ALLY] Hi.

Oh. f*ck me. What's this? Intervention?

- Yeah.
- Hi, Paul.

Hey, Sue. Sorry, I won't hug
you 'cause I reek a little bit.

Um, sorry. I wasn't
expecting to see anyone.

- Yeah, I should have texted you.
- [DARREN] Paul?

- This is Siobhan.
- Is it?

- [DARREN] Mm-hmm.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- I cocked up like a big idiot,

got my weeks in a... in a tizz.

The... The meal out is next week,

and the meal we're hosting is now.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Brilliant. Okay. Uh, I...
I need a little shower,

so I'll, um, see you folks in a bit.

- Any more up there?
- [LAUGHTER]

- Siobhan?
- Yes.

Cool. Right.

[LOWERED VOICE] Hey. Hey.

So sorry, Paul. It's
my balls up, completely.

It's just a bit of a shock, that's all,

coming into a house that looks like

a f*cking coach station at Christmas.

- [CHUCKLES]
- There's enough of those f*ckers

- for a five-a-side.
- I know.

I was really looking forward
to a nice tagine as well.

- What are you cooking?
- A chili. Uh, a sort of chili.

Okay.

Uh, How's Ava? This can't be
the evening she was expecting.

She actually seems
okay. I think she's quite

looking forward to a
big coming out evening.

All right, well, I'll go and say hi

and then get rid of this man-hum.

Mm. Hang on. [SNIFFS]

Do you know what? I don't hate that.

Sorry, was that, um...

Oh, Darren hasn't told
Siobhan about his kids.

- Very wise.
- So, don't mention them.

Not that we ever talk
about Darren's kids,

unless we want to feel
better about ourselves.

- [CHUCKLES] Fair enough.
- [FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

[HOLLY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

It's just... you know...

No, it's just that I thought that...

It's just a bit much, Ava,

like meeting your
parents, their friends,

and, you know, an actual vicar,
just like we're getting married.

No, I get it. Sorry.

I just thought... I
was just being silly.

I... I'll make sure it's just us.

It was a nice thought. It really was.

It'll be great to meet your mum and dad.

No, it'll be boring.

All right then, folks. Let's
get this f*cking party started

- [LAUGHTER]
- Who said pass the parcel?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [AVA] I'll get it!

Oh. [SIGHS]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Taxi for Darren?

Thanks, Ava. I'll take this from here.

I'd like you to drive my
mobile phone around London.

Is this some sort of a joke?

It's pounds there...

or should it... should it be more?

How much to hire you
for the whole night?

- This ain't Pretty Woman, mate.
- ?

now and the rest
when I pick up the phone?

Please, just drive it around.
My wife is looking for me,

and my children are from The Shining.

Please, I'm desperate.
I'm a desperate man.

I mean, I'm paying pounds
to give a phone a ride in a car.

- Go on then.
- God love ya. Thank you.

I mean, they do sound
like nightmare kids.

I tried so hard with them. So hard.

But they... they just
wouldn't accept me.

- Oh.
- And of course,

Chris refused to take sides,
which, of course, meant...

That he absolutely did take sides.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Susie.

- Thank you.
- I bet you won't miss Reading,

- though, will you?
- No.

Although I do think Reading
had a big part to play

- in why his kids were such...
- f*ckers?

Well, obviously I would never
say that 'cause that's...

very unchristian language,
but, yeah, total f*ckers.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

[AVA] Come in.

Hey, darling. Just, uh,
came to check you're okay?

- Fine.
- Yeah?

So, Mum told me about Holly. [LAUGHS]

- [CLAPS HANDS]
- That's...

I'm so excited to meet
her. When does she get here?

- Soon, I hope.
- Mm-hmm.

I think she's still coming, but...

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Was that the door?

Uh, um...

Yeah, I think so. Maybe. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

- All right, Bagpuss.
- Hey. It's the prodigal son.

You should have called ahead.

I'd have slaughtered a lamb
or made you, I don't know,

a f*cking coat of many
colors or something.

- Everything okay?
- Uh, no.

- All right.
- I've got a big favor to ask.

My friend from the ante-natal
group is a bit pissed.

He's very pissed.

Right.

As in he's too pissed to go home.

He's on thin ice as
it is with his partner.

Do you think he could just
dry out here, just for a bit?

- [SIGHS]
- I can't take him to Maya's.

Where is he now, this pissed man?

I've got him propped up around the back.

I wanted to speak to
you first and explain,

but he's waiting for me to let him in.

We've got a bit of a full house, mate.

And as it happens, this is
a big night for your sister,

so I don't love the idea
of anything distracting.

- [ALLY YELPS]
- [DARREN] Paul?

- [CLAMOR]
- [SIOBHAN] Jesus Christ.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- What's up?
- Oh, God.

Hey, hey, what's up?

Look, oh, got you now!
Got... Aah! Oh! Oh, oh.

- Aah! Get off me.
- What the f*ck am I looking at?

[GRUNTING]

Whoa! Hey! f*cking... Oi, oi, oi!

- Get off him, you c**t!
- [GROANING]

[GROANING]

[LAUGHTER]

Then the sweaty dicker just

drops down over the wall,
like, out of nowhere,

and I yelped 'cause I
thought that we were...

We were gonna be robbed.

Then suddenly, Carl just swooped down

onto him like a big, bald swan.

- You're a hero, Carl.
- [DARREN] Yeah, Carl.

I just had a f*cking fight.

- Yes, you did, mate.
- Oh, f*cking hell.

f*cking Jesus. Yes!

Oh, I haven't had a
fight since Spike Island.

I haven't been this happy
since Spike f*cking Island.

I... I'm so sorry.

Yes, and so you should be, mate.

Carl, you're a Stone Roses fan?

Spike Island, Paul.

Just, yeah, Spike
f*cking Island, you know?

[EXHALES DEEPLY, SNIFFLES]

Jesus Christ, Gaz. Have
you just gone and done more?

Listen, folks. Um...

- Oh, oh.
- Hey, look,

I'm... I'm all apologies, okay?

But I've got a baby on the
way, all right, like Luke here,

- and we're just...
- Right.

We're just coping, you know?

We got a connection,
me and Luke, haven't we?

You know, I think some people, they...

they... they come into your
life to teach you something.

[SNIFFLES] You know?

And your son has done just that.

Unbelievable.

I think we've both kind of
realized, haven't we, Luke,

that we've got to just squeeze
the decadence in now, don't we?

"We"?

Are you doing f*cking coke, Luke?

No, I'm not! He is. He definitely is.

- I think he's doing a lot.
- Well, I'll tell you what, mate.

Maybe the place not to bring

a character like that in that state

is your mum and dad's f*cking house.

I've already told you, this
is a big night for your sister.

She's bringing her
first girlfriend round.

- Ava's got a girlfriend?
- Oh, it's...

You're gonna be a
parent, Luke, all right?

Make better f*cking decisions!

[MUFFLED] Because it's gonna
be one thing after another.

Let me tell you...
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

You know, for what it's worth, I get it.

Fatherhood can be a scary thing.

Sure how would you know?

Uh... Dad told me.

And what have you told her
regards where you're at?

Her at home?

Uh, that I'm, uh, caught up at work.

Hmm.

No, fella, don't do
that. Don't lie. Go home.

She's laid up on
bricks having your baby.

Don't f*cking lie to her.

There's nothin' worse than a liar.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- All right, folks...
- [CLAPS HANDS]

After that... after that palaver,

I think the least we
can do is get you drunk.

- So, who's for red?
- Well, can I get one of those?

No! f*cking bare knuckle
Barbie, you can't.

Jesus Christ. What were you thinking?

And why can't you just
use the f*cking front door

like normal people? Hey?

I mean, look at the state of Carl.

- You all right, Carl?
- Fine now, thank you.

- Good.
- Yeah, just fine.

It's very nice, you know.

- Hmm? What is?
- The inside.

Your house.

Thank you.

- Can I get you anything?
- Oh.

Got a cheese sandwich, have you?

- A cheese sandwich?
- Ooh.

No!

One cheese sandwich for Carl coming up.

Ah, some fucker been in my chutneys?

Has anyone seen Ava?

[SNIFFLES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

- What's happened?
- [SNIFFLES]

Holly's not coming round.

- Okay.
- [SNIFFLES]

I wanted to do this
big coming out thing,

and she's not into it.

[SNIFFLES]

She thinks all that
"meet the family" stuff

is a bit too much.

Well, just... Well, that's fine.

We'll just give her a bit more time.

She says no one really has a
big coming out thing anymore.

And I just feel so stupid and naive.

There is not one thing
about you that's stupid.

Do you understand?

We've only been seeing each
other a couple of weeks.

What was I thinking? What
if I've ruined everything?

Break... Breakups are
always hard, my darling,

- especially the first time...
- We haven't broken up.

- Okay.
- I'm not upset

because we split up. I'm...

I'm embarrassed at being
old-fashioned and just stupid.

All right, I... I see. Sorry.

We'll still see each other.

Holly just doesn't
wanna come round tonight

to meet you two... and everyone.

Right.

Well, I mean...

You know, at... at least we...

We know you better now, don't we?

Mm-hmm.

You know, we know that
you're gay. It's...

It's also not... not a big
deal at all, by the way,

in case you were wondering if it was.

No, I want it to be a big deal.

It is a big deal for me.

Maybe that was my stupid mistake.

I wanted you.

I wanted my parents
to be a part of this.

I wanted this to be
my moment. Mine. Mine.

Some affirmation of me.

Yeah, listen, sweetheart,
I think that's absolutely

what we all want as
well, isn't it? I think...

I think that what we're trying to say

is that we will always

love you completely, no
matter who you tell us you are.

Well, I want it to matter.

I know you're trying to make me
feel comfortable, and thank you.

But I want this to matter as much...

every inch as much, for once...

As anything that's
happening in Luke's life.

And it really hasn't helped

that he's dragged in
that pisshead downstairs.

Right, okay, tell you
what. You stay here.

We're gonna go and clear the house out,

and then we'll be
back, okay? Don't move.

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
- How's she getting on up there?

- Not terribly well. And...
- Your wee girl? Ava, was it?

- Ava, yeah.
- Having a bit of an upset?

- First bit of heartbreak.
- Yeah.

Just as well. I f*cking hate chili.

Hate anything to do with cowboys.

Thank you for a lovely evenin'.

You should piss off, too.

You're next door, as I understand it.

- Yeah, he's...
- But you, Snorty Spice,

where is it you call home?
We'll drop you in our Uber.

Oh, actually, could I get in on that?

If you don't mind
dropping me off at the station.

Yeah, of course.

All right if I stay here, is it, mate?

If I go home in this
state, she'll k*ll me.

What age are you to be
hanging out with this child?

You must be near my age and his.

- Move your boney arse.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

[MOUTHS WORDS]

- Thank you, Carl.
- [MOUTHS WORDS]

Oh, you're welcome, Paul.

Just trying to be a good neighbor.

Well, next time it's my turn to
have a big fight on your patio.

- Oh, look forward to that.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Bye, Lukie.
- See you, Carl.

Bye, all.

Bye.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Sorry. What... What's
happening with Ava?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Could we make a quick pit stop
at this wee corner shop, please?

Here, precious. I'm stuck
in the middle back here.

Would you mind running in and
grabbing me a deck of fags?

That card expired weeks ago.
Mate, can we get going, please?

Oh, hello.

Uh... he appears to
have dropped his cocaine.

Can you drop us at the
nearest pub, please, mate?

I've got twins. Two girls,
. They're very full on.

- Jesus. What?
- I'm sorry, Siobhan.

I think I'm in love with you.

[UNDER BREATH] Well, you don't get

any of this stuff in Reading.

Got a bit sexy there tonight
a couple of times, didn't it,

with the fight and the pheromones?

Or was I imagining it?

No, it did get a bit sexy. You're right.

We should break our drought soon.

- We should, but not tonight.
- No, not tonight. f*ck, no.

Christ, I just wanna sleep.

Mm.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mum, Dad, I don't really
wanna talk right now,

if that's all right.

Just me.

Is it all right if I come in?

I'm sorry for stealing
focus again tonight.

I know it's a bit of a habit.

It's just...

There was this -year-old
man-child chasing me around,

and... this was the tree that I ran up.

[CHUCKLES]

So, listen, I hear that
you have a girlfriend.

That's massive!

Do you fancy telling me all about her?

Whoever she is?