03x04 - Like a Rocket

[bunniefuu]

["BAD GIRLS" PLAYING]

- Siloplex.
- [LAUGHS]

[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTS]

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

- I cannot believe we are here.
- [CHUCKLES]

This is pretty nuts.

[GRETA] Oh, my God.
Is that Jack LaLanne?

I just saw him on television
tugging one of those boats

- in the ocean with his teeth. Crazy.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'll let him tug my
boat, tell you that much.

Stop it. He's old
enough to be your father.

Mm-hmm.

[SHEILA] Mmm, on second
thoughts, tug away.

Okay, Sheila. Be cool,
all right? Just relax.

He's just one of our
colleagues here, yeah?

- It's this way toward our booth, ladies.
- Course. Coming.

Ah! Oh, my gosh.

I got that guy's blender
at : a.m. once.

It got recalled 'cause
the lady lost her finger...

[MUFFLED] ... but I
got it in a great color.

Sheils? You okay?

Two years ago, I stumbled
into that workout class.

I could barely get through it.

I felt so weak and so worthless.

And today, we are at the
National Health and Fitness Expo.

And we're right in the middle of it.

Okay, so we're a little
tucked away back here,

but, um, that will allow us to be more,

- you know, focused on the task at hand.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- Pressing the flesh. Moving the merch.
- Mm-hmm.

[SNIFFING] Do you smell that? [SNIFFS]

Sorry, guys. [SIGHS] Bad batch here.

One of our coolers didn't come with
ice. We're working on it. [SIGHS]

f*ck! [GRUNTS]

[CLEARS THROAT] Well, the
important thing is that we're here,

and we have a job to do.

Tastes great on the lips,
doesn't sit on the hips.

As a busy mom,

I'm always looking for a quick
pick-me-up that won't slow me down.

It's a scientific fact that
adding fat-free products

to your diet reduces
weight and heart disease.

I can indulge all I want and
still slip into my size jeans.

Women want products we
can trust in our homes,

and with Hartman Foods, we
know we're in good company.

- Hi. Just come this way.
- Yeah? Mm-hmm.

I wanted to just show you
something over here. Sorry.

We all love chocolate.

We all wanna be slender.

We all deserve a little fun.

Testing. Slimming.

Satisfying.

Let me introduce you to Mark Hoffman.

He's one of Hartman
Foods's top sales reps.

You're awfully good at
this sales sh*t, aren't you?

Guess you could say that.

And in such a crappy
little corner booth too.

[SIGHS] We're getting plenty
of foot traffic. [SIGHS]

It's not brain surgery, is it?

Flirting with a bunch of mushy
businessmen from Missouri?

It's not all flirting.

There's different tactics
for different targets.

That's right in your
bag of tricks, isn't it?

Saying just what people wanna hear.

[ATTENDEES CHATTERING]

[MOUTHING WORDS] Come on.

What is it? What's so exciting,
huh? What you looking at?

- There she is, in the flesh. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Yes. [CHUCKLES] Did you, um... Did
you know that she would be here?

No. Did you?

No. I mean, maybe I did, but, uh,
I... I... I can't really remember.

- I don't care.
- [KELLY] Oh, you don't think about me?

That's very cool and convincing.

- She's here with a diet pill.
- [CHUCKLES]

[GRETA] You know how many
of those things I've tried?

- It's just speed and laxatives.
- [SHEILA] Ugh.

You're up all night using the
restroom, then cleaning the restroom,

and... Oh, I need a restroom.

Ah, they would like
you back at the booth.

Uh... [SIGHS] Her booth
is big. No, never mind.

Compare and despair, right? We're
doing okay in our little corner.

Where's the bathroom?

You wanna hate me, but you
can't take your eyes off me.

It's true. It's very unsettling.

[KELLY] Well, go talk to
me. Maybe I'll be nice.

Or maybe, I'll pull down your
pants and bite your snatch off.

- [SIGHS]
- [KELLY] But at least you'll know.

[CHUCKLES]

- Marika, hi. Sheila. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Long time no... [CHUCKLES]
- No see. Yes. Mm-hmm.

So, uh, is Vinnie roaming the
floor or... [INHALES SHARPLY]

No. He is on exercise tour in Europe.

- Oh. Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's
having a great time.

What exactly do you mean by that?

[STAMMERS] Just that
he's having a lot of fun.

An appropriate amount
of healthy fun, yes.

Well, that's great. [CHUCKLES]

He is having a good time. He is
healthy, lively, in good spirits.

- Oh.
- He smelled Dutch tulips.

- Oh, how nice.
- Mmm.

And he enjoyed psychedelic
art at a museum in Zagreb.

Oh, that's lovely.

He even saw an
avant-garde play in Berlin

about a banker who's
scared of yachts. Hmm?

- Wow, interesting.
- Mm-hmm.

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- He's not sick.

What?

- Nothing. [CHUCKLING]
- [CHUCKLES]

He's not sick, did you say?

Did I say that, or did you?

Well, I'm gonna get back to my
booth, but, um, please tell him, "Hi."

- And please wish him the best from me.
- Yes. Good. Fine.

But he doesn't really need your
best because the rumors are not true.

And he is responding very
well to the medication.

Well, I'm really glad to hear that.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[ATTENDEES CHATTERING]

- [SQUEALING]
- [CHUCKLING]

You're gonna wait in
line like a civilian?

You don't have time for that.

Go ask her to sign your
boob. She'll love that.

- Ma'am, you gotta wait in line.
- Oh, I...

I actually... I have
a booth here. I'm a...

[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm a fellow celebrity.

Do you know her?

No.

Here's to the end of a
successful day one. [CHUCKLES]

You wooed so many men who work

for big grocery store chains
and are named Hank or Stewart.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow, I didn't realize it was a race.

[SIGHS] You know how I
get before I fly. [SIGHS]

- Do you really have to leave tonight?
- Mmm, yeah.

I promised Ernie I'd be home before
the twins' birthday party tomorrow.

God help our marriage if I
shove him out of the business

and then leave him alone with
five-year-olds and a magician.

Fine, I'll drink alone.

Nothing bad ever happened to
a woman alone at a hotel bar.

You should celebrate.
You did so good today.

Think of all the hands you shook,
all the businessmen you buttered.

You deserve a fun night.

- Watching Dynasty in my hotel room alone?
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God, Sheila, meet
people. Mingle. Take a swim.

Maybe make out with a bronzed muscle man

- in a leotard and then describe it...
- Oh.

- ... to me in detail.
- Right.

Unless...

You and Carlos aren't
exclusive yet, are you?

- What? N... We're not anything yet.
- Okay. Good.

Then just, you know, have fun.
But be in bed by : , right?

- You gotta rinse and repeat tomorrow.
- Oh, okay.

Bartender, she'll have another. Thanks.

Love you. Make me proud, yeah?

- Muscle man, leotard, bed by : .
- [CHUCKLES]

- Who says women can't do it all?
- [CHUCKLES]

["STEAL AWAY" PLAYING]

- Oh, Christ, I'm so s...
- [DRINK SPILLS]

I'm so sorry.

Oh, all good, sunshine.

- There you go. [CHUCKLES]
- Thanks.

Felicia.

[GASPS] Blackwell. Oh, my goodness.

My mom used to own your
entire shapewear collection.

Oh, well, that's very flattering.
[INHALES SHARPLY] And aging.

[INHALES DEEPLY] You look spectacular.

You're gonna have to
tell me all your secrets.

Well, it's not what I do.

- It's what I don't do.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Mmm.

And you are?

Sheila. Uh, Sheila Rubin.

I knew I recognized you. You
trashed my step on live TV.

Oh... [STAMMERS] ... uh,
that wasn't meant to happen,

um... [STAMMERS] I mean,
not at first. It was a...

You were right. [CHUCKLES]
That thing was a hunk of junk.

I'm much happier with my new venture.
You did me a favor, sweetheart.

Oh. Oh, well, you're
welcome then. [CHUCKLES]

I wouldn't go that far.

You have nice hip bones.

Thank you.

I'm putting on a fashion show tomorrow

for my new line of slenderizing slips.

How would you feel about
participating as a model?

Oh, I... I don't do, um, much modeling.

Oh, no. Women love it.

And I'm told the men
enjoy themselves too.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Oh, yes.

No, um, it's not really
my, uh, cup of milk.

But, uh, thank you.

And, um... [CLICKS TONGUE] Uh, it
was really lovely to meet you both.

Very well. Suit yourself. [CHUCKLES]

[ATTENDEES CHATTERING]

Quick question, do you wanna be liked?

Celebrity is a popularity
contest, you know.

At some point,

you're gonna have to
give it a f*cking rest.

Ma'am? Someone treated you to this.

[SHEILA] Oh.

I ordered it extra strong,

considering how you sh*t down
Felicia over there. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, thank you.

- No, thank you for the show.
- Mmm.

I just don't understand how they can be

showcasing girdles at a fitness expo.

[CHUCKLES] It's , for Christ's sake.

I know what you mean.

I just... I learned a long time ago

that saying no feels
so good in the moment,

- but there's not a lot of money in it.
- [CHUCKLES]

And I can't afford to
alienate anyone right now.

Really? I would think she would
be more afraid of alienating you.

Mmm.

Well, it was so nice to chat,

and I'm sure you must
have to tuck in early...

How about another drink?

Oh, um... [CLICKS TONGUE] I'm
not really much of a drinker.

- Oh, sure, you're not.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Bartender! Tender of the bar.

[BARTENDER] Yes, ma'am. You got it.

What is this? The male
section of the expo?

This is the fitness section where they

won't be strutting
down a runway tomorrow.

- Hmm.
- Hey, spot me?

Okay.

Is this what you usually lift?

- I can handle it.
- Okay.

- [GRUNTS] Oh, my God. [GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God. Oh, my... Ow.

- Wait, get it off me. [GRUNTS]
- Get... [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Okay. [INHALES SHARPLY, CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.

- Okay, I lied. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I can't do that. [SIGHS]

I hate exercising.

You're joking, right? You joke a lot.

I do joke a lot, but I'm not
kidding. I hate exercising. [CHUCKLES]

I do it never, unless I'm
on, you know, performing.

What's worse? Exercising
or playing a hot

alien sent to destroy
Earth in a fur bikini?

How do you know about
Tenderizing Tendrils?

Oh, um, I don't know.
Doesn't everybody? [CHUCKLES]

No. Nobody in my personal
life even knows I was in that.

I didn't have any speaking lines.

Just a few screams and
a really long dance.

I must have seen it on a
late-night movie channel.

You know, one of those?

Mm-hmm. Of course.

[SHEILA] So, if you hate exercise
so much, why did you leave your show?

Oh, you don't know? Or
you're pretending not to?

You sure do know a lot about me.
Like you studied me or something.

Oh, that's... that's not true.

Mkay. I believe you.

[INHALES DEEPLY] It's kind of a
funny story, so get ready to laugh.

I found out that my
costar... my male costar...

was earning twice as much
money for a part half as small.

So I said, "How 'bout next
year you pay us the same?"

And they said... You're
gonna love this part.

They said, "How 'bout we fire you

and we tell all the other studios
to never speak to you again?"

Isn't that a good one?

So... [STAMMERS] ... it
wasn't your choice to leave?

They just kicked you out?

That's showbiz.

Now I sell diet pills
that give people strokes.

Don't tell anyone.

- Oh, well, no one's actually d*ed.
- One did.

You're a really good listener.
I feel really close to you.

Me too.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Screw television.

My real dream...

is to be a stage entertainer.

The big stage.

- Broadway?
- Vegas.

Vegas. Yes. [CHUCKLES]

That's right.

That's my home right
there. That's where I live.

On the stage. Like a star.

STAGE LIGHTS - R, C, L

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[KELLY] This one goes out to
my dear friend Sheila Rubin.

["I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY
SKIN" PLAYING ON PIANO]

♪ I've got you under my skin ♪

♪ I've got you deep in the heart of me ♪

♪ So deep in my heart ♪
♪ You're really a part of me ♪

♪ I've got you under my skin ♪

[CONTINUES SINGING]

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Is
your mini fridge running?

[SHEILA LAUGHING]

Is... Is anything in your room
running? The... The faucet maybe?

- You better go catch it.
- [LAUGHING]

- That's the best you can do?
- [CHUCKLES]

"Is your mini fridge running?"

- [CHUCKLES]
- You try prank-calling Felicia then.

♪ I've got you under my skin ♪

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

[KELLY] You cheated on
your husband with a Mormon?

- [SHEILA SIGHS]
- [KELLY] You dirty dog.

- [SHEILA] And we have a kid.
- You and the Mormon?

No, no. The husband.

Was it hot?

- With the husband?
- No, the Mormon.

- Oh. Yes. Yes, it was. [SIGHS]
- Are you still seeing him?

Absolutely not. No. No. No!

But I am... Well, I...

[GASPS] You're seeing someone new?

[CHUCKLES] You like him.
You're turning red. [LAUGHS]

Does he like you?

I hope so.

Who wouldn't?

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ Just use your mentality ♪
♪ Wake up to reality ♪

Oh, God. I haven't worn one
of these since I was, like, .

Winter formal.

I was crowned snow queen... [CHUCKLES]

... and my twin brother got king.

My mom said that I was
too womanly for the dress.

It was a blatant reference to my ass.

What on earth would I do at therapy?

Talk about ancient
history for a whole hour?

- [CHUCKLES]
- And pay for the privilege?

No.

So, you talk to me? Out loud?

Not all the time, but, um...
[WHISPERS] ... sometimes.

Do I answer back?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You have
a lot to say, actually.

You... You do most of the
talking. [CHUCKLES] Wait.

When I was a little girl, I
used to talk to the pretty lady

on the margarine container
when I spread her on my toast.

- Aw.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

But she never talked back.

- ♪ 'Cause I've got you ♪
- [KELLY] You all right?

Yeah. Oh, sure. I just,
um... [INHALES SHARPLY]

I just can't breathe, and,
uh, the walls are moving.

Oh. Well, let's get you
out of this thing, okay?

Here.

[KELLY GRUNTS]

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Is that okay?

Sheila? Yeah, let's get you out of this.

It's all right. You can kiss me.

Sheila, I'm right here.

What's the matter, Sheila?
Don't you wanna kiss me?

[KELLY SINGING, DISTORTED]

Sheila, are you okay?

[LAUGHS]

[KELLY] Sheila.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

- [CARLOS] Hey. You feeling okay?
- Carlos?

Hey. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, I'm just a little
bit tired. How are you?

Hmm. You sounded
pretty gone at : a.m.

I called you? Oh, God.
What... What did I say?

You weren't really forming words.

You did manage to ask me if I
wanted to come visit you there.

I did? Oh. [CLEARS THROAT] Oh, God.

Um, wh... what did you say?

Uh, I said I'd try you in the morning

and see how you felt, you know, then.

So, um...

Yeah, I mean, I just don't know
if you would, uh, enjoy it here.

It's, um... It's very... "fitness-y."

Yeah. That's kinda what I figured.

So, uh, maybe I'll see
you when you get back.

But I would love for
you to come. [CHUCKLES]

All right. Uh, let me see what I can do.

Okay.

[ATTENDEES CHATTERING]

I wouldn't call this a
cookie, but it sure is sweet.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, it is. [CHUCKLES] As are you, Sir.

Uh, Mark can help you out
with anything over there.

Hang on. I got a lot more questions

about the product for you, young lady.

Now, is it weight loss or dessert?

If we decide to stock this thing,

I need to know where
it's landing shelf-wise.

Why don't you just ask
someone who gives a sh*t?

Well, well, well.

How's my closer doing today?

Not so good. [CHUCKLES]

You've been a real hit with
these reps, I will tell you that.

We're sorry to lose you to
that fashion show this morning,

but I guess that's the way
the cookie crumbles, huh?

I used to not be able to
wink, but I've been practicing.

What? No. [STAMMERS] What did
you say about a fashion show?

I said it wouldn't be easy to spare you,

but the publicity wouldn't hurt us.

There it is, right?

No. [STAMMERS] I said
no to the fashion show.

Didn't I?

- [ZIPPER CLOSES]
- Ow!

Oh. Ooh. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

How do you feel? [SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I'm... I can't breathe.

Oh, good. Don't.

Just little sips through
the nose. [INHALES SHARPLY]

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- Like off a piping hot cup of tea.

And don't walk too
fast. Nice slow steps.

I like to sing "Amazing Grace"
in my head to set the pace.

♪ Amazing grace, how... ♪

Kelly.

Are you responsible for this?

You look so pretty. Good luck out there.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, WHISTLING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC DISTORTS]

[SNIFFLES, WHIMPERS]

♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪
♪ But now I'm found ♪

♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now I see ♪

Pathetic.

♪ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ♪
♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

- ♪ I once was lost, but now I'm found ♪
- No.

- ♪ Was blind, but now I see ♪
- [LAUGHS]

- [SCREAMS]
- [AUDIENCE GASPS]

Oh, mercy.

[GRUNTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- You poor thing.
- Leave me alone!

I just feel really bad for you.

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

[SIGHS]

I'll be right there.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS]

Oh, sh*t. sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t. f*ck. [SIGHS]

Oh, my God. [GROANS]