06x08 - Family Feud

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mastering the paper ♪

"Trust me, I've been there,"

a saying that works great for
directions, restaurant recs,

and, generationally speaking, advice.

What some have experienced allows
for future generations to learn,

if they're willing to accept the lesson.

Take Dean Carnegie
and Aaron, for example.

They haven't always seen eye to eye,

but they've come a long way.

And Aaron and I have also grown closer.

Put it right there.

And now look at us.

He's not even with my sister anymore,

and we're still like family.

- Hey, squatter.
- What's up, man?

Thanks for sending me your
half of utilities, by the way.

It's not rent, but it is something.

Ah, this guy.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, if you'll excuse me, this, uh,

History of Black Hair in Media class

is not gonna lecture itself, so...

- Mm.
- Catch you guys later.

I "four C" us hanging out in the future.

- That's fire.
- You see it?

- He's good.
- He is.

You see it? [LAUGHS]

Actually, there's someone
I want you to meet.

I'm flattered, Dean Carnegie,
but I'm actually spoken for.

As a potential mentor, not a tenderoni.

- Oh.
- Do y'all still say tenderoni?

Never mind.

Anyway, with entrepreneurial studies

being based in independent research,

a connection like this would
be a good resource for you

- when you graduate.
- Yeah.

Could be great to connect with someone

who's climbed the mountain
I'm trying to reach the top of.

And that is Derek Wright,
a Cal U alum, a proud Gamma,

and the founder of your major.

He's planning to make a
sizable donation to the school.

You'll be the perfect
student to show him around.

I'm just the tenderoni for the job.

[CHUCKLES] Did I use that right?

No, you did not.

Maybe start with the Gammas,
let them do all the talking.

All right.

To the un-melanated ear, it may
have sounded like he dissed me,

but I know that he's saying
that he has complete faith

in my ability to get the bag.

BOTH: ♪ Watch out, world ♪

♪ I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know so I'ma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets ♪

♪ This is what I say ♪

BOTH: ♪ Watch out, world ♪

♪ I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ You can't tell me nothin' ♪

BOTH: ♪ My heartbeat is so loud ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ ♪

After cleaning the house

like we were covering up a m*rder,

the Gammas were ready to
welcome our brother of honor.

It is my honor to introduce a five-time

"Business Magazine"
Entrepreneur of the Year...

mm, come on, man...

- Mr. Derek Wright.
- Thank you, brother.

OK, Mr. Wright's passion is platforming

the voices of today and
funding the voices of tomorrow.

Now, when he's not out saving the world

and changing the world
through philanthropy,

he is a proud dog dad to
two of the cutest Pomeranians

you'd ever seen.

- No one cares about that.
- Yeah, no!

You would not believe...

I'm gonna beg you to stop talking, bro.

[SIGHS] OK.

I'm gonna leave you G men to...

- Oh, my God.
- G out and...

- My guy.
- Let you G-men...

- My guy.
- G-G-G-Unit.

- Just won't stop.
- Hi, sir.

Um, I'm Andre.

What's up, Dre? How are you, bro?

I'm great. I'm Gamma vice president.

This is the Gamma House,
as you remember, I hope.

- [CHUCKLES]
- No, not at all.

Mid at best.

What is... what is this?

Is this, like, inclusion or something?

Uh, this is No Shirt Nick.

- Government name?
- Uh...

Hi, I'm Derek, No Shirt Nicholas.

I am uncomfortable.

Yo, where the b*tches at?

This place can't be all dudes, is it?

Um...

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

What you got there?

Cranberry scones.

Cranberry scones?

Know what we used to call this place?

The train station 'cause of how
much ass we took down in here.

Now you're sitting up,
eating cranberry scones.

You proud of yourself?

We actually... we baked these ourselves.

You know, studies show
that a home-cooked meal

can actually... Did
that wire go through?

And that's proof that not all stories

about mixing coke and heroin end up bad.

♪ ♪

Question, any chance
you could, you know,

hook me up with an internship?

Quicker question, are
you a Nigerian scammer,

or do you just have the
shoes of a Nigerian scammer?

And that was the last night
I saw Rick James alive.

♪ ♪

Mm.

What kind of p*rn is this?

It's women's basketball.

Women's basketball p*rn?

♪ ♪

This kind of willful ignorance

is what gave the Gammas a
bad name in the first place.

I'm telling you, if you're
rich enough in Dubai,

they'll let you hunt anything.

Hey, Mr. Wright, we got to go.

We're gonna be late for the theater
department's production of "Roots."

Ooh, don't want to be late for that.

Yeah.

So how was your time with the Gammas?

- Fantastic.
- Good.

I leave here inspired,
knowing that no matter

how much money you throw at something,

it can't always be saved.

[LAUGHS] That's so not true.

You're so funny. [LAUGHS]

Funny, funny with all that money, huh?

All right, good luck, guys.

Melanated ear or not,

"assh*le" is the same in every language.

And you guys didn't even hear him play

devil's advocate for R. Kelly.

♪ ♪

Could you bring these to table six?

- Right there.
- Got it.

Oh.

Look at you looking all cute.

How'd I get so lucky to
get a gift on your birthday?

- Ooh.
- Oh, you're so sweet, babe.

Mm-hmm.

Give me another compliment
after I have a drink.

And what, the birthday
trip was that bad?

I love my girls, but
they can't organize sh*t.

I just wanted to chill.

Like Netflix and chill with me?

Sure.

But mostly in my
sweats, blasting Omarion,

stuffing my face with an icebox cake.

I think it's very cute
how much you like Omarion.

- Oh, he's the GOAT.
- Mm.

Now, here's to hoping next year

is what it's supposed to be.

♪ ♪

- Andre! [LAUGHS]
- Yo.

Just the Gamma I was hoping to see.

- Dean Carnegie, how are you?
- Yeah. Listen.

You guys made a real
impression on Mr. Wright,

so much so, he wants to
have the donation ceremony

at the Gamma House.

Yeah, big check and everything.

- Oh, yes?
- Um...

Yeah.

Speaking as Gamma vice president,

I don't know if that's gonna happen.

We worked really hard to get our charter

and reputation back after
the great Gamma fires of .

Yeah, you guys roasted
the hell out of that pig.

I don't know if it's
the right time for us

to get in bed with the
original Atomic Dog himself.

Can you elaborate?

That guy's the worst.

He told us that we should
start to pee standing up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He also called our
entire generation lazy,

referred to women as the
Ferris wheel of bunny tails,

and then said that Herschel
Walker made some good points.

We have worked hard to reform our image,

and that guy's like taking
a million steps back.

Listen, I hear you.

And I would never force
the Gammas to do something

they are not comfortable with.

OK, Jackson, I'm gonna
need you to force the Gammas

to do something they
are not comfortable with.

[SIGHS]

OK, so let me clarify.

You want me, a non-Gamma,

to get the Gammas, who
are mighty and many,

to do what, now?

See, Derek Wright is about to drop

the biggest donation on Cal U

- that I've ever seen.
- Mm-hmm.

And his only stipulation
is that the check dedication

happen at Gamma House.

I'm sorry. I'm not hearing the problem.

OK, OK, let me, uh...
let me say this in a way

I think you'll understand.

Ah.

Andre and them [BLEEP]
about to fumble this bag.

Ah.

They're bent out of
shape because he said

some less-than-PC things
about their generation.

Well, Andre and his frat are
pretty reasonable guys, right?

I'm sure their concerns are valid.

OK, let me be even clearer.

This directly affects you as well.

You see, part of that money would go

to the African American
Studies department.

I mean, we could use a new Smart Board.

Not to mention the sizable amount

that would go to financial aid
in the form of scholarships,

you know, the types of assistance

that half the Gammas rely on.

Sure, yeah, I will, uh...
I'll see what I can do.

Great.

Hello, Douglas.

How are you?

Can I get some wings to go?

What you need?

-piece, blueberry habanero, all flats.

God bless your toilet.

Bro, come on.

Do not wing-shame me, all right?

I'm going through a lot right now.

I got stuck carting around this
old head Gamma, Derek Wright.

Apparently, he's donating a
lot of money to the school,

but the guy is a clown.

Back when those Gammas were on campus,

they called themselves
the super sick and twisted,

animalistic, and sadistic wolfpack.

Not the type of dudes you want
to bring around the lady folk.

- That dude is a nightmare.
- Mm.

But enough about me.
What's going on with you?

Mm, Sloane just got back
from her special birthday trip

with her girlfriends, but
she came back all upset.

You know, I hate seeing her like that.

I feel like it would be dope if I...

Don't do it. Please, don't do it.

Don't do what?

You know, don't Doug this up, all right?

I know you want to give her
the birthday that she deserves,

but remember the last
time you did something big?

You blew your entire
check on a child's bike.

OK, well, "Doug it up" hurts.

All I'm saying is,
sometimes less is best.

All I'm saying is, you got a lot to say

for a dude who's about to
spend the night in the bathroom.

Good luck.

♪ ♪

♪ I just came to party, party ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm not tryin' to leave with nobody ♪

[LAUGHS] Miracle Whip is mayonnaise.

No, queen, it is not.

Please do not fight him on this.

Douglas will die on that hill, trust me.

- [LAUGHS]
- Listen, guys,

speaking of dying on hills,

I need some help, if you
will, some counseling.

Dean Carnegie wants me to get the Gammas

to accept a donation from
this guy named Derek Wright.

You guys heard of him?

But they don't really
[BLEEP] with this guy.

It's a tough one, man.

Yes, we are a brotherhood,

but not all Gammas
look at life the same.

Derek and Andre are about as different

as Malcolm X and Malcolm Gladwell.

Andre's line has worked
too hard to rewrite

our frat's narrative just for a check.

I will say that donations like this

often trigger more alumni
to dig deep in their pockets.

Can you imagine what
good this money could do?

Yeah, I can.

Yeah, but what kind of message

does that send to Gammas?

Increasing revenue is more important

than them continuing to rehab
their reputation on campus?

That is a good point.

Aaron knows there's
no ethical consumption.

Under capitalism, all
money is dirty money.

That is true.

Yes, and Aaron also knows what it's like

to be a Cal U student
with a strong moral compass

who doesn't need someone in a suit
to tell him what's a good idea.

Damn.

Compelling points across
the board, honestly.

Mm-hmm.

But the question still stands.

What do you think I should do?

No idea.

It sucks to be you.

I graduated.

OK, horrible friends.

♪ ♪

Bring enough for the whole table?

Do I look like Meals on Wheels?

Besides, you know these
are my breakfast wings.

Fair enough, fair enough.

Uh, grab a seat for me,
please, if you don't mind.

Let me guess, Dean Carnegie wants us

to reconsider the generous
offer from Mr. Wright.

I see that Cal U education at work.

- It's done you good.
- Yeah.

Now, just think about how
much good it could do for...

I know it's a lot of
money, but if it's coming

from Big Brother Shady,
we just don't want it.

Yeah, you know what? I get it.

You had a bad experience.

And by no means do I agree with anything

that, uh, comes out of
Mr. Wright's mouth, but...

As long as the check clears?

[CHUCKLES]

It's more than the money, Andre, OK?

It's what this donation could do.

Seriously, I mean, Dean Carnegie's

already showed me a
stack of applications

for students who could attend
Cal U if this goes through.

And that's not lost on me,

but I just don't speak
for all the Gammas.

And until now, I didn't
think you were the type of guy

to speak for the whole school.

I am just a guy who
has been where you are,

and I'm just trying to
get you to understand,

show you a different perspective, maybe.

And I wouldn't come to you
with this if I didn't think

it was absolutely the right thing to do.

And if we agree to disagree, what?

No more coffee dates with the boss?

No, no, no.

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

But, you know, you guys did just

get your suspension lifted, and, um,

I'd hate to see you on the
faculty's bad side again.

That could mean fines, no
more barbecue privileges,

tarnished legacies, things like that,

or... or worse.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying, think about it, please.

And, uh, I think once the
smoke clears and you're

able to focus better,
you'll see that this money

can do so much good.

It really can, uh, not only for
the school but for the Gammas.

And I think you're the person to help

your brothers understand that.

Maybe the frat can have
one more conversation.

Appreciate it.

Thanks, man.

Good talk.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Good talk.

[GROANS] I'm just saying, who are we

to decide who gets a chance
at a higher education?

And I'm just saying,

we've been at this
for, like, five hours.

We should have ordered
dinner five hours ago.

All in favor of voting for dinner.

- Yes, man.
- Guys, come on.

No, focus.

The only thing that we
need to be voting for

is whether or not we're
gonna sell our souls

for a photo op, or are we gonna continue

to be the second-tallest frat at Cal U?

OK, bet, then we'll vote.

Thank you.

Who does the voting stuff, anyway?

- Oh, I'm supposed to do that?
- [PEOPLE GROAN]

And do we get stickers?

OK, guys, here's the plan.

We are gonna vote one
more time, all right?

Majority rules. How does that sound?

All right, all right.

It's cool. It's cool. Let's do it.

But for real, who has the voting stuff?

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

It's down to you, General.

You'll realize how much good this money

can do for the school.

I would hate to see you on
the faculty's bad side again.

♪ ♪

I vote to accept the donation.

♪ ♪

That's it.

Y'all see it.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC]

[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]

♪ ♪

Well, it's the big day, and Cal U's

about to receive a big check.

But if it's for the greater good,

why do we all feel so bad?

[SIGHS] How long do we
have to be camera-ready?

Who are you?

Nick.

I know. I don't see me either.

It's like I'm living a lie.

You and me both, brother.

- Hey, man.
- Yo.

- How are you?
- 'Sup?

Look, I wanted to say thank
you for reconsidering, OK?

I know it was hard, but
it was the right thing

to do, trust me.

Can we, Professor Sellout?

Yo, Cole, chill. Aaron's on our side.

- Is he?
- Yeah.

'Cause if he was, he would tell us

what Derek Wright is up to about now.

Uh, I think he's about
to get ready to start.

No, no, no, I'm talking
about he's about to acquire

The Affirmative
Reaction Podcast Network,

also known as home of
the future Candace Owens

and the current Candace Owens.

- What?
- Oh.

So it seems like good old Derek Wright

is a bigot trying to
use us all for clout.

We have to call this whole thing off.

Look, man, if there was another way,

I would, all right, but the
check's already deposited.

Looks like we're just
gonna have to take this loss

and smile for the cameras
like good, articulate,

- obedient Black men.
- Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Well, at least we get to keep the frat

while serving the greater good?

Yeah.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]

♪ ♪

Hello, everyone.

How's everybody doing?

Thank you for having me.

Thank you to Cal U, and thank you

to the distinguished
gentlemen of Gamma Psi Delta.

Hopefully this gift that
I have decided personally

to provide will continue to provide

support and help to empower...

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, provide
support, so much support

that Mr. Wright here has empowered me

to announce his new initiative
that he's funding today.

[BLEEP] you doing, bro?

Something for the greater good.

Now, I just want to
personally say thank you

for this generous donation
that you've given to Cal U

and for agreeing to pledge
an additional, sizable,

annual gift directly
to the Gamma fraternity,

starting today.

Yeah!

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Starting today?

- Or tomorrow?
- Hopefully today.

The future, I think, is
what he's talking about.

You are the future.

AI and such being what it is,

monkeypox, BBLs,

who knows what the future holds?

I'm glad to be a part of it.

- Thank you.
- [APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLES]

Pretty savvy move.

I respect it.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

I want to thank you for seeing
this through to the finish line.

The administration will not
forget what you did here today.

Artists who don't sell
their art are not artists.

Art is sold...

Yeah, neither will I.

♪ ♪

- Yo.
- 'Sup?

Hey, I really wanted to
say thank you for helping me

pull that off today, man, honestly.

That money is gonna do a lot
of good for a lot of students.

Something wrong?

I'm just having a hard time
feeling good about today, you know?

On the one hand, I saved the
Gammas from being suspended again.

And on the other hand, I
completely abandoned my ethics.

Yeah.

I just want to say I
really appreciate you

for standing up for us.

Ah, no need to thank me, man.

[SIGHS] Sometimes you got
to get your hands dirty

for the greater good.

- Yeah.
- Sometimes that means

slightly exaggerating your
frat's charter situation.

♪ ♪

Wait, so you lied because your cause

is more important than us standing up

for what we believe in?

You're not a hypocrite at all.

I didn't lie.

I... I helped you
make the best decision.

[SCOFFS]

I don't even know who
I'm talking to anymore.

Maybe instead of worrying
about telling me what to do,

maybe you should find
your own moral compass.

Said like someone who needs
their choices made for them.

Bro, don't talk to me
like I'm a little kid.

I don't need to be patronized by someone

who's a couple years older than me.

Oh, and unlike you, I've actually

lived in the real world.

And now you're back from the real world.

And where are you living at?

My house, rent-free, right?

♪ ♪

Ah. You know what?

Here's an adult decision for you.

I'm out.

♪ ♪

You got to be kidding me.

Look, it was a misunderstanding.

♪ ♪

I'm gonna crash at Annika's for a while.

OK.

So it's like that, huh?

It's just like that.

♪ ♪

I've been waiting
upstairs for minutes.

Three barbacks and two waiters
already tried to hit on me.

What you been doing?

I just wanted tonight to be perfect.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

Oh, my gosh.

Now, that'd better be real ice cream

and not the vegan kind.

Trust me, this is
real regular ice cream.

And as you can see right
here, we have an assortment

of different sweats
in a variety of sizes.

I didn't want to be so rude as to guess.

And if you ain't gonna wear
'em, don't pop that tag.

And last but not least.

[OMARION'S "ICE BOX" PLAYING]

Oh, my gosh.

Doug, this is... this
is really something.

Something good or something...

Something perfect.

OK, well, if this is perfect, then, uh,

I can tell our guest to go home.

[GASPS]

- You got the real Omarion?
- [CHUCKLES]

You not an Omarion impersonator?

It's me.

Yeah, my lawyer shut
down Fauxmarion years ago.

But if y'all see that Nomarion,
you tell him, ticktock.

Doug, this is...

this is amazing.

Happy birthday, baby.

♪ I've got this icebox
where my heart used to be ♪

♪ Got this icebox where
my heart used to be ♪

♪ I'm so cold, I'm so cold,
I'm so cold, I'm so cold ♪