[SNIFFLES]
Darling, are you okay?
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[NADJA] Something is wrong with Laszlo.
It has been like this a few weeks now.
He just sits in the library,
staring off into space.
I have never seen him like this before.
Ah, Laszlo, I've just
been reading this book
about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay.
Could you explain to me
the difference between
an Endymion-class
frigate and a brigantine?
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[NADJA] I fear I am to blame.
Laszlo is so worried about this hex
that is ruining my eternal life
that he is emotionally depleted.
[NANDOR] Sadly, I think it is
because his world has been rocked
by the fact that I am
in such a good place.
Actually, I keep having these dreams
where I'm a small child,
and Laszlo is... my daddy.
Oh, that is actually because
that did happen, Colin Robinson.
I think I would remember
Laszlo wiping my bottom.
- [CHUCKLES]
- It's 'cause he did.
Though, to be fair, that...
that is what's happening
in-in the dream.
- Ew.
- Please stop.
[QUIETLY] Laszlo?
Laszlo?
Yeah, it's my fault.
Laszlo's been working
so hard to figure out
why I'm not a full vampire yet.
- [GROANING]
- And Laszlo hates defeat, so,
I think it's broken his brain.
[WHISPERING] Laszlo, I just
want you to know that it's okay.
- You did your best.
- Gizmo?
Ah. Yes. Yes, I'm here for you.
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[NADJA] Even his libido is out of whack.
I mean, we are down to,
like, only fucks a week.
We are down to just three.
I can't even get enough
of a rise out of him
for a mini-drain.
Oh, good Lord. Ooh!
Does the limited warranty
cover the power cord, or just
- the main unit itself?
- Ooh, I have been hammering
- so hard on these big nails.
- Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.
- Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- [MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE]
- Let's pound some rivets, baby.
[NANDOR] Look what I found.
A big box of ships and p*rn.
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪ ♪
[NANDOR] Ugh. Anything?
Remember: there are no stupid ideas,
just stupid people. [GROANS]
What do we know about Laszlo?
[NADJA] Guillermo, you spend
a lot of your life being
very miserable and sad.
Do you have any ideas?
- Okay.
- Is it all right if I pitch an idea?
What about if we threw Laszlo a roast?
Right? Where we all give
funny speeches about Laszlo,
kind of tease him a little bit,
and it just makes him
so happy for some reason?
- [NANDOR SIGHS]
- Hold on!
- I've got one.
- Yes?
- Nope. Lost it.
- [NANDOR SIGHS]
[COLIN] What if...
hear me out on this...
what if we threw Laszlo a roast?
[NADJA] Love that idea!
Now, this is an idea I like!
- [LAUGHING] I just said that.
- [NANDOR] How did you think of that?
- [GUIDE] I said it so loud.
- [NADJA] Well done, Colin.
No peeking, cheeky. [COUNTING IN GREEK]
[ALL] Surprise!
- [UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING]
- [CHEERING]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official roast
of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you.
Just look at this crowd!
- [LAUGHS]
- We gathered all
the people that love
you into this one room.
And then when we saw
all the empty chairs,
we decided to drag some randos
in off the street to fill them!
- [DRUM PLAYS RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
So many illustrious guests
here on the dais tonight.
And also Colin Robinson.
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
He got me. I got got.
Our neighbor Sean is here.
- Hey-yo! [LAUGHS]
- [NANDOR] Don't worry. We hypnotized him
so he's not gonna
remember anything tomorrow.
- Seanie.
- Seanie.
I see the great Baron
Afanas is here this evening,
restored to his original
splendor, thank goodness.
For a couple of years,
the baron looked a lot like
if George Hamilton had had
sex with some pork rinds.
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hmm.
- I see that The Guide is also here.
So, everyone, please join me
in saluting the man of the hour,
the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth.
- [WHOOPING]
- [APPLAUSE]
We've known each other so
many, many years, you know.
We can practically finish
each other's hand jobs.
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
We are just getting
started. It is your roast.
A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
- [LIVELY JAZZ PLAYING]
- It's Laszlo's roast.
- It is his...
- [ALL] Roast.
- It's Laszlo's...
- [ALL] Roast!
We'll be back right after this.
If you think the
missionary position involves
lying on top of a missionary,
you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!
- [LAUGHTER]
- [RIM sh*t]
If the first thing you look
for in a woman is your d*ck,
you might just be...
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
If you think ejaculating
onto the pillow counts
as "cooking your wife
dinner," you might just be...
[ALL] A Laszlo Cravensworth.
- [BAND PLAYS]
- [LAUGHTER]
- Women can be funny.
- [BAND STOPS PLAYING]
- [GLASS BREAKING]
- Ooh.
Some describe Laszlo
- as a man of arts and letters.
- [QUIET LAUGHTER]
I can think of a couple of
letters to describe Laszlo.
"F" and "W."
Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."
- [RIM sh*t]
- Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and...
- [RIM sh*t]
- I think I'm just going
to tell a story.
A story called "The Aristocrats."
Ah, sh*t. Oh, I wasn't supposed
to say the name till the end.
Forget I said the name of it.
Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son
and a daughter walk into
a talent agent's office.
And the... the father says,
"Boy, have I got an act for you!"
Uh, and the talent agent says,
"Well, let's see it then."
Oh, and-and there's a... a dog.
Uh, the family dog.
That's important to note.
- [LIVELY JAZZ PLAYING]
- [APPLAUSE]
- [RIM sh*t]
- Up next, we have a man
who knows more about roasting
than his beloved Arby's.
- [RIM sh*t]
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- Hmm?
- When this guy starts roasting a vampire,
you better bring a bun,
and also some ketchup.
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
I don't get it.
[GUIDE] I did whisper to the baron that
it was Guillermo who opened the door
that let the sun come in to burn
his body into bits, you know,
a few years ago because
he didn't know what the joke was.
And I was trying to help him,
'cause being left out of a joke,
it sucks.
[NANDOR] So give it up for an expert
on raking 'em over the coals,
or should I say the foyer rug...
- Okay, okay. Thank you.
- [RIM sh*t]
[GUIDE] And then I did also mention
that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage.
That one just slipped out.
So, we are all here tonight
to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.
Cravensworth? I'm more like,
Cravensworth-less.
- [RIMSHOT]
- [LAUGHTER]
Might I say a word or two?
Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate
the microphone for the
baron. Please welcome a man
who knows quite a lot
about... sick burns.
[RIM sh*ts, LAUGHTER]
Baron Afanas.
- [MUSIC PLAYS]
- [WHOOPING, APPLAUSE]
Look at this festive assembly.
All of us, gathered here together,
chuckling at jokes and silliness.
- [LAUGHTER]
- And jackanapery.
[RIM sh*ts]
I guess there's only
one thing left to say.
What is this sh*t?
- [RIM sh*t]
- [LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] Very good.
[BARON] You call yourselves vampires?
Bah. This entire evening
has been nothing but
a pageant of insipid nonsense.
[LAUGHING] Yes.
Worshipping at the altar of
your own mediocre frivolity.
A jester's hollow dance.
And who is laughing?
Yeah! [WHOOPS]
[GRUNTS]
[BARON] Vampires are supposed to have
blood orgies and slaughter circles.
Gah! You have all gone soft.
You even invited humans
to this asinine affair.
All right, you know what? Sean is cool.
He's a good time. I take that one back.
But everything else is an embarrassment
to the very word "vampire."
[NANDOR] Baron, we just were
trying to, you know,
cheer up Laszlo a bit.
He just hasn't been himself lately.
- Vampires do not need cheering up!
- [ELECTRICAL HISSING AND POPPING]
We vampires are not cheerful creatures.
We sit, and we brood,
for centuries on end,
plotting the demise of our foes
and innocent bystanders alike!
- Oh, okay, I guess we didn't really see it like that...
- Uh!
- [NADJA WHIMPERS]
- And the worst part?
I find out only tonight
that you have all been keeping
secrets around here, have you not?
For years, I now know that
you have been harboring
- a vampire k*ller...
- [ALL GASPING]
... right here under your own roof...
- Uh...
- ... who, in fact, tried to k*ll me.
- [GASPING]
- What? What vampire...
Do not insult my intelligence!
So, vampire k*ller.
Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
Well, I, uh...
It doesn't matter what
you have to say! Seize him!
- Run!
- [GROWLING]
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[PANTING]
[GROWLING]
Baron, show him mercy!
Let us give you the
very simple explanation!
[PANTING]
- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.
- Are-are you o...
- [NADJA SQUEALS]
- [NADJA COUGHING] Behind you.
- What?
[COUGHING]
[GASPS]
- [NADJA] Ooh.
- [NANDOR] Laszlo?
- Laszlo!
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
[BARON GROANING]
Baron, stop!
- It was just a mix-em-up!
- [NADJA] A whoopsie-daisy!
- [NANDOR YELLS]
- Stay out of this!
[BOTH YELLING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
[GROWLING]
[GRUNTING]
[BARON] Gah!
- [CAR THUDDING]
- [GLASS BREAKING]
- Don't film this.
- [NANDOR] Okay.
- Hey, guys.
- Not now!
Oh, I just wanted to take a quick moment
to apologize for telling the baron
that it was Guillermo
who b*rned him to a crisp.
- Not now.
- That's on me.
- [NANDOR] Are you done?
- [GUIDE] Sorry.
You know what, Nandor? I think
let's just sit this one out.
- Let them two sort it out between themselves.
- [BARON GRUNTS]
- [NANDOR GASPS]
- Hmm?
- Ah...
- [GRUNTS]
You are forgetting that
Guillermo is a vampire k*ller.
Which means he could k*ll the baron.
We are direct descendants
of the baron's vampiric line,
which means we would all die.
[NADJA] Maybe it wouldn't
be such a bad thing
- if we ended up dying?
- [NANDOR] Wh... Are you okay?
Yeah. I've just been
going through a lot lately.
- [GROANS]
- [NADJA] So... Fine.
if we want to live, then
yes, I do have a plan.
Guillermo? [GROANS]
- Nadja, anything?
- No!
- No sign of Gizmo or the baron.
- [GROANS]
Wait. Hang on. Hey!
- Come here, you little sh*t!
- [GROANS]
[NANDOR] sh*t.
- What?
- [NADJA] I got him!
Meet me out front!
She's got him! I'm coming!
- You got Guillermo?
- No. The baron.
Are you telling me
Baron Afanas cannot fight
- his way out of a burlap sack?
- I think he's injured.
We had quite the scuffle
in there. [LAUGHS]
[GUILLERMO] How badly is he hurt?
- [NANDOR] There you are.
- Because if he dies...
- Yes, we know.
- [NADJA] Oh, shut up, Guillermo.
[BARON] Guillermo, help me.
These two imbeciles, they
are trying to k*ll me.
You know, if you help the
baron, he might forgive you.
Yeah. Okay, Baron. I want to help you.
- But you have to promise not to hurt me.
- [BARON] Yes.
- I promise. Please.
- Okay, then.
Let's just get you out of
here. You're gonna be safe.
- And... [GROANS]
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
- [LAUGHING]
- All right, dudes.
Now what? Yoo-hoo?
Baron?
We've got the little
m*therf*cker, Baron!
- [GASPS]
- [SHRIEKS]
Nicely done.
And now? Leave him to me.
Baron, we ask that you
show Guillermo mercy.
- [GROANING]
- No! Ow.
What is the meaning of this?
- Sorry.
- Terribly.
[ROARING]
[NANDOR] So, to review again, Baron...
- Mm-hmm.
- ... you agree that
when Guillermo opened the door
and fried you by the sun,
he did not know that you
were inside at the time?
I do.
Great. And, Guillermo,
you accept, even though
it was an accident,
that the baron has every
right to be very mad
at the fact that he
got fried by the sun?
I-I do.
I will accept your
apology if you will accept
- the fact that I'm still going to k*ll you.
- [GUILLERMO] What?
- No. No.
- Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here.
- Come on.
- It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved.
By my k*lling him.
No, I do want this
to be resolved, but...
Okay, you know what?
Let's take a hard five.
Guillermo, I will take a
carafe of your finest blood.
Ah, yes. Okay. I will fetch.
Baron Afanas?
Yes, snake?
I can't help my vampire hunter lineage,
but I want you to know
that I have renounced it.
[HUFFS] And how did you do this?
[MUTTERING] Guillermo?
This is dangerous territory.
I...
got turned into a vampire.
You...
are a vampire?
Guillermo is a vampire? Did
everybody else know this?
Delicious. Ah!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse
betrayal of your own kind.
Oh, I like it a lot.
And kudos to Nandor.
Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,
a vampire k*ller, into a vampire?
Oh! Oh, that is a big get. [CHUCKLES]
I must congratulate him when he returns.
[GUILLERMO] Well, see, that's the thing.
It wasn't Nandor that turned me.
- What?
- Oh, it was that vampire named Derek.
How could you do such a thing?
I've just been waiting
for this a long time,
and yeah, it's still
a bit sticky, but...
Oh, "sticky"?
I think it is a bit
more than just "sticky."
It is a devastation. A violation.
A humiliation!
A shame from which neither you
nor Nandor shall ever recover.
I know, I know, and that's
exactly why I haven't told him.
And I would appreciate it if none of you
tell him, either.
You know me, I'm-I'm like a vault...
with stuff.
Yeah, and I'm not gonna
tell anyone anything.
In fact, I'd very much like
to be excluded from this narrative.
Me, too. I should go.
Guillermo, you and I? We are good.
- Oh.
- You all have much graver matters
to discuss here,
and I want no part of
what might transpire if...
Here we go! Blood for the vampires.
- Baron.
- Mm.
And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.
- Thank you.
- So, what did I miss?
- Mm?
- Oh, Guillermo and I have
called a truce.
A truce? So, you are
not k*lling him, then?
Well, I will not be the one
to take this familiar's life tonight.
[NANDOR] Oh, that's great.
Good to hear.
So good, in fact, I propose a toast.
To the baron, to Guillermo,
to the work we have achieved tonight.
Cheers!
[EXHALES]
- Oh, that's sweet.
- May I?
Mm.
If I could have a moment
alone with Guillermo?
- Alone.
- Mm.
Yeah, no, please.
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes, thank you, Baron.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
Guillermo, vampire to vampire...
A secret like this,
it will not stay hidden forever.
It is best that Nandor
hears it from you.
- I know.
- Mm.
But...
what do you think he'll do?
Probably k*ll you.
Then himself.
That is what I would do.
- Right.
- Mm.
You know, it's funny,
I did all this because
I want to be a vampire, a great vampire.
- Like Nandor, like you.
- Oh...
Your heart is in the
right place, my boy.
And please know that I
am rooting for you, hmm?
- To not get k*lled.
- Oh. Thank you.
- But... these things happen.
- Well, I hope not.
Can't afford another
accident on my watch.
- [SCREAMS]
- No! No!
- Guillermo, no! No, no!
- Ah, no! [CRYING]
[BARON SCREAMING]
Well, things were almost okay.
But now, not so much.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
As soon as the sun sets
and the baron is awoken,
he is going to track Guillermo
down until he is very much, well...
- Dead.
- Shut up.
I'm sure he will be safe.
And dead.
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]
- [NADJA] Sunset approaches.
Is it me, or does he look
like a shriveled-up nutsack?
- [NADJA] Laszlo? Any ideas?
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[CLOCK CHIMING]
[YAWNING]
Oh, good evening.
- Baron, listen. Guillermo is...
- Oh, where was I?
Ah, yes. About to k*ll Guillermo, yes.
Baron, I... I beg mercy.
I know that Guillermo
has made some mistakes.
He nearly k*lled you twice.
- Mm.
- And he's even massacred
an entire theater of vampires.
- Wait, what?
- But he did so to defend his master.
Whatever Guillermo's flaws may be,
he has always been loyal to me.
- Has he?
- Yes, Baron.
Mm...
Has he, though?
Yes, Baron, he has.
You are certain of...
Yes! I-I am.
Well, I would just
say it is complicated,
but we can discuss this
further after I k*ll him, yes?
Now, where would he run?
[GROANS]
I will need Guillermo's scent.
- [SNIFFING]
- [LASZLO] I say, Baron,
if you're looking for
Gizmo, he's not here.
You'll find him in the toolshed.
That's where he goes to hide and wank.
Thank you.
Why would you say that?
Well, why delay the inevitable?
Plus, I was sick of
hearing you lot waffle on.
If you'll excuse me...
[RASPY ROAR]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[NANDOR] Guillermo!
Well, at least he d*ed
doing what he loved:
b*ating off in the toolshed.
Oh... [WHIMPERS]
Oh, no.
Oh...
Okay, now I'm starting
to feel a little bad.
But on the bright side,
he-he was just a familiar.
He was not just a familiar.
He was my bodyguard.
He was the best man at my wedding.
He was my friend.
Okay, yes, yes. It is all very sad.
But I think we should
now get him in the ground
before he starts to stink.
Laszlo, can you come and
help carry this, please?
- That's not Gizmo.
- What do you mean it's not Gizmo?
What I mean is...
it's not Gizmo.
- What are you doing?
- Stand aside.
- [NANDOR] Laszlo, what are you doing?
- Laszlo, I do not think we need to eat him.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ooh, yeesh!
[NANDOR] Stop that! Stop that!
[NADJA AND NANDOR EXCLAIM]
- [GUIDE] Eesh.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
Does Gizmo have gills?
- You mean lungs?
- [LASZLO] I mean gills.
So he can breathe underwater.
And does he have an amphibious egg sac?
- Maybe?
- He never said. Uh... I never asked.
He wore a lot of layers.
It was hard to see what
was going on under all that.
- [GUIDE] Oh!
- [NANDOR] Oh! Why do his eyes look like that?
[LAZLO] It's not Gizmo.
It's a byproduct of
my scientific experimentation gone awry.
So, where is the real Guillermo, then?
f*cked if I know. Excuse me, my darling.
- Hmm?
- [BARON] Ah, you know what?
[GROANS] I will let him go.
After all of that?
I was going on and on about all of you
and how you've gone soft.
Deep down...
- it is I who have gone soft.
- [GUIDE] What?
- No.
- [NANDOR] Ridiculous.
Let us be candid here.
I live in the suburbs of New Jersey.
In a two-bedroom craftsman
with a breakfast nook.
- Oh, hello.
- None of my neighbors live in fear of me.
I have a dog.
A hellhound, but I get it.
[BARON] Good boy.
[EXHALES]
But what about the Sire?
Two ancient legendary vampires.
At this point, we are
more like roommates
than roommates who
viciously m*rder humans
together, you know?
It can be lonely, this American dream.
[RASPY GROANS]
[BARON] What the f*ck is that?
- [NADJA] Laszlo!
- [LASZLO] What is it now?
Huh. Well, that one's clearly pregnant.
[CROAKS, SCREECHES]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
♪ ♪
It's hard to believe I'll
never see Guillermo again.
I hope he is okay out there.
[DISTANT THUNDER CRASHING]
Pretty sure I told him to dust in here.
Fly like the wind, my little friend.
[GRUNTING]
Guillermo! You're here.
I just figured this would be
the last place the Baron would look.
- Is he still looking?
- No, no. But hang on.
We've had one mix-up already today.
How do I know you are
the real Guillermo?
Master, it's me.
- What is Guillermo's last name?
- De La Cruz.
But I doubt I'm the only
one who would know that.
You'd be surprised,
but fine. It's a gimme.
How does Guillermo do my
hair on formal occasions?
- Half up, half down.
- Also known as...?
Half down, half up?
Ah, so close.
I was looking for "Saratoga split."
- The Saratoga Split.
- [MUTTERING]
- I should have known that one.
- Last one.
The first day that
Guillermo became my familiar,
he gave me a card.
What did that card say?
It said...
"To be a vampire is my dream.
But to be your familiar
will be my honor.
Thank you for this opportunity."
Close enough.
Okay, you're the real
Guillermo. Excuse me.
I can't believe you remember that.
We have a long history, Guillermo.
I imagine that I know you
better than almost anyone.
Enough to know when you have
been keeping a little secret...
from me? Hmm?
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
I... I d...
You made a fart in
my coffin, didn't you?
[QUIETLY] I made a fart in your coffin.
See? I know you better
than anyone. Boop.
[NADJA] So it seems that
everything worked out?
Kind of? To be honest,
I can't really keep track of
whatever the f*ck is
going on around here.
But I did find a new home for
these disgusting little Guillermo
toads, so there's that.
As you can see, I came
home from Staten Island
with a bit more than
just a charred-up body.
Vampire says, "Freeze."
This charming litter of mutants.
Show your fangs.
- [SCREECHES]
- [BARON LAUGHS]
I did not say, "Vampire says!"
It's given the Sire and me
so much that we can do together.
[LAUGHS]
And thanks to Guillermo,
for the first time in a long time...
Hello. [GROWLS]
- [DOG BARKING]
- ... I am terrifying again.
[LAUGHING]
I suppose with the right company,
it can be beautiful,
this eternal existence.
Eh. Not all of them make it.
[FLUSHES]
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES]
I just wish you would
talk to me, Laszlo.
Yes, yes. Very good, thank you.
I mean, is it something I've done?
Is this hex that I've been cursed
with that hangs all around me
made me, in your eyes,
like an uggo or something?
Oh, yes! That's it.
- What's it?
- Despite the frequent interruptions,
I've been sat here trying to decide
if I should organize my books
alphabetically by author, or by title.
But you've been sat
here for three weeks.
Time well-spent, I
think. And I've decided...
you'd be pleased to know... author.
First thought, best thought.
- Have I missed anything good?
- No!
- [LAUGHING]
- This guy.
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the morning ♪
♪ And maybe ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the night ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the morning ♪
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right ♪
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right. ♪
05x08 - The Roast
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
documentary-style series about the lives of four vampires who've "lived" together for hundreds of years in Staten Island.
documentary-style series about the lives of four vampires who've "lived" together for hundreds of years in Staten Island.