04x06 - No Arseholes

[bunniefuu]

They love all the different
stuff you've worked on.

- Did you tell them I can do it?
- Yep, but not for three weeks

'cause you've got this other gig.

Are they okay with that?

They are happy to work
around your availability.

Good. I do... I do like
freelancing, but, you know,

sometimes I miss being in
the same place every day,

seeing the same people,
you know, work friends.

Yeah. You're always the new
boy as a freelancer, aren't you?

Or girl, in your case.

Lady.

- Woman?
- Woman.

Right. Business chat done.
Let's go grab that lunch.

Grab, uh, oh, dear. Um...

Have we got lunch booked for today?

Yes, straight after
coffee. A nice, fun lunch.

Oh, bugger. I've said I'd go
on a cheese barge with Siobhan.

You go up and down the
canal eating cheeses.

It's very well reviewed.

Oh, o-okay, well, no... no worries.

Sorry. Um, do you wanna come?

Ah, no. I'm fine.

I don't wanna be the
gooseberry on a cheese barge.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I'd
better get going then.

Um, sorry again about lunch.

No worries. Off you go.

- Go. Go get... Bye.
- Ciao. Ciao.

Okay. See ya.

- [SIGHS]
- [LINE RINGS]

Please leave a message after the tone.

- [TONE BEEPS]
- Hi, Susie's voicemail.

Um, I was just wondering if
you fancied a night in London

or lunch or something one weekend.

So, uh, so, yeah, let me
know if and when you're free.

Sending loads of love.
[CHUCKLES] Speak soon.

Oh, it's Ally, by the way.
I should have led with that.

To rerecord your message, press...

[CELLPHONE CLATTERS]

Ally.

- [GASPS] Oh, my God! Evelyn. Hi!
- How are you?

[LAUGHS] I am fine. Are you fine?

I... I'm really fine. Um,
look, there's somewhere

I actually have to be
in the next five minutes,

- but...
- Me, too. Absolutely.

- Give me your phone.
- Oh.

And I'll give you my new number.

- We must meet up.
- Yeah, we must.

I know people always say that,
but I... I actually mean it.

And we can drink now
'cause our kids are ,

and no one's breastfeeding,
hopefully. [LAUGHS]

- God, it's been ages.
- What, like, years and years.

Yeah. Oh, should I dig out
Shiloh and, um, Bexy's number,

and we can have a full-on reunion?

- Yeah, that... sure. Great.
- Yeah!

- Ally, it's so good to see you.
- So good to see you.

- I gotta fly.
- No, you go, go, go, go.

- No... Okay.
- No, you're fine, yeah.

- Bye.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

[MILK & SUGAR'S "HI-A
MA (PATA PATA)" PLAYING]

Oh, sh*t.

[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]

Not f*cking bad.

[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]

[SONG FADES]

Mmm.

Back off those f*cking
muffins, Worsleys!

Yeah, yes, I know, it's
like what I was saying...

Can we leave those? Yes.

[AVA] Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

You've never cleaned that before.

Which is why I am now giving
it the deep clean it deserves.

You don't need to deep clean the house.

You've literally never done that.

This is crazy cleaning,
like in a documentary.

Oh, sh*t, that's rank. Look.

They're not gonna
peer inside the kettle.

God, I've really neglected this kettle.

- [CLACKING]
- Mum, stop cleaning.

It's freaking me out.

Apart from saying hi to
Evelyn for two seconds,

I haven't seen these women for years.

I want to impress them.

They'll be impressed by your
charisma, not your kettle.

No arseholes.

- What?
- Well, usually there's

an arsehole with a group of
friends, but not with this lot.

There were of us all
pregnant at the same time.

Only four of us got on,
so we used to meet up

and cry together about breastfeeding

and eat loads of sugar.

Why aren't you still
friends with them now, then?

We just stopped seeing each
other. It all got too busy.

But anyway, my... my point is,
is that I can't go into my s

with Darren as my only friend.

And even he stood me up the other day,

and Darren's never stood me up before.

I mean, Darren's meant
to be a permanent fixture.

Darren is the Hootenanny.

Oh, f*ck! This is sheer hell.

I am never doing this again. Ahh.

You've got Susie, Mum.
Reading isn't that far.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

I will make the effort to
go to Reading at some point.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [PAUL] Aves, you ready to go?

What's happening? Ally,
are you still being weird?

Did you ever meet Mum's g*ng?

We weren't a g*ng. We
didn't sh**t rival mums.

No, I can barely remember
them, to be honest.

You met them a few times.
We had that lovely picnic

at Regents Park.

If you guys wanna help,
you're very welcome to.

[SIGHS] I've got a cramp.

No. Mmm...

Hey, what do you think?

I still think it needs something.

Hmm.

A tablecloth?

A tablecloth?

Maya's family always have a tablecloth.

- Do they?
- Yeah.

I mean... [EXHALES]

I'm not being an evangelist
for tablecloths...

No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's go
look at some tablecloths, then.

- What, together?
- Yeah. I don't know

what I'm looking for.
You're the tablecloth guy.

These are all too fussy.

It's like putting knickers on a table.

- That one's quite plain.
- Plain is good.

I want my muffins to shine.

Can you get me one of those?

Thank you.

[GASPS] Oh, what's that? I like that.

- Thank you.
- Cheers.

- Thanks.
- [SIGHS]

Um, you won't be embarrassed of me,

the -year-old baby daddy?

No, never.

Just that it might make
you look like a, um...

- Like what? Like a sh*t mum?
- No, I wasn't gonna say that.

Well... [SCOFFS] it might.

[SCOFFS] No, 'cause I'm
not a sh*t mum, and anyway,

they're not like that. That's the point.

- "There are no arseholes."
- No arseholes.

So, uh, how long are you with us again?

- Uh, just for one more night.
- Right.

Yeah. Maya's cousins go back
up to Glasgow tomorrow, I think,

so we get our bedroom back.

But I just, I really like
being back in my old room

with my D&D all set up and
the house just all quiet.

Mm. Well, there's gonna
be four women cackling away

in the house today, so...

- Cackling, Mum?
- Yeah.

[SCOFFS] I've never,
ever heard you cackle.

I... I am a cackler.

- You're not a cackler.
- I am.

Especially with these girls.

Maybe I'll go and get that pint with Gaz

- he keeps bothering me about.
- Gaz? Really? What, Cokey Gaz?

He's a d*ck, Luke. We don't like him.

Well, no, he's off the coke now.

But he is... he's still a
d*ck, so I'll just... stay in.

[EXHALES]

Well, I guess one harmless
pint in the afternoon

- would be fine, wouldn't it?
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

- Hi!
- Hi!

Two at once! Instant party!
Come in, come in. [LAUGHS]

Bloody hell, it's gorgeous.

Many, many, many stairs, and glass.

So much glass and far too many sofas.

No one needs that many sofas.
Stop talking, Ally. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS] I don't know why
you didn't ever come here.

Oh, Evelyn came, and you
went to hers once, right?

Oh. Oh, yes, that's right, yeah.

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

I walked out of the house one night

and checked straight
into a Travelodge...

And ate cheese on the floor

in front of the telly for two days.

- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
- sh*t.

- Did you feel angry?
- Oh, I felt mad, Bexy,

like mad as sh*t.

I slid down a wall
once, you know, like...

You know how people do that in films?

- [LAUGHING] Yes.
- Like... Like Bette Davis.

Ah, I can't even remember why.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Well, I was .

-f*cking-nine?

Oh, my God, that's so f*cking unfair.

- Yeah.
- I thought I was young.

f*ck the menopause.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, this is what I've missed,
us just being like this.

I love it so much. Right, I
wanna know about your kids.

Tell me everything.

But first, would you
like to have some wine?

Oh, no, thank you. It's a bit early.

Cup of tea would be nice, though.

Sure. Um, Shiloh, wine?

Um... Ooh. Tea for me too, please.

[CHUCKLES]

You've gone to so much effort.

A tablecloth. It's very posh.

I don't think I've ever
owned a tablecloth. [LAUGHS]

Oh, no, I haven't gone to any effort.

- This... We always eat like this.
- [SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]

I've gone to so much f*cking effort!

- [LAUGHTER]
- We never eat like this,

and I bought that tablecloth
this morning. [LAUGHS]

I just wanted you to
think that I was amazing.

Well, you are amazing.

I've always thought you were amazing.

I mean, you always made us...

well, I can't speak for you, Rebekah,

but you've always made me laugh.

You're Rebekah now?
You're not Bexy anymore?

No. No one wants to be a
five-foot, -year-old Bexy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Ooh! Evelyn.

- Hi!
- Hello again!

Oh!

The reunion's happening.
Come and see everyone.

When did you last see, um, Bex... Re...

Sorry. Rebekah and Shiloh?

Oh, I couldn't... I couldn't honestly...

And look, they're... they're here.

- Put your stuff there.
- Okay.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Here we are. Do feel free
to try a muffin. [CHUCKLES]

So, tell me about the kids.

Well, I never see Gem.

He's always, always out.
You know, comes in at a.m.,

and he wants to go
everywhere, do everything.

Australia, Thailand, Texas.

- Texas?
- Yeah. Austin.

"Austin's buzzing," he
says. Like... [SCOFFS]

He really loves his life, but
I do want him to start to focus.

- Like, you know, go to uni.
- Yeah, but Shy, he's .

They should be doing that
stuff. What were we doing at ?

I'm not gonna tell you what I was doing.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [REBEKAH] Exactly.

- These are the fun years.
- [SHILOH] Yeah!

[REBEKAH] Make mistakes
while they're still at home.

- Ally, have you got any wine?
- Lord, yeah. [LAUGHS]

I'm just gonna pop
out for a quick rollie,

then I'd love a massive wine.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

- Here we go. [LAUGHS]
- Ah, thank you.

Oh, rollies and wine.
You're my kinda gal.

I've never said "gal"
before in my whole life.

Ah. It's so weird, all
being together again,

but, like, nice weird.

Do you remember when we went
to that breastfeeding clinic,

and I got stuck in the loo,

and the lactation consultant
had to break me out?

Yeah. Well, sort of.

[LAUGHS] We laughed about it for ages.

Do you know, I thought that was Shiloh.

No, it was me! [CHUCKLES]

- Do you want one?
- Oh, God, um, always, but, uh,

I went down a Google hole
about smoking on HRT, so...

Oh, yeah. That's why I don't do HRT.

- 'Cause I love smoking.
- [LAUGHS]

Only joking. No, I am doing
it, but I'm doing it naturally,

you know, mushroom tea,
seeds, all that crap.

And smoking. God, I'm
a massive hypocrite.

[CHUCKLES] I think I
would have k*lled Paul

if I wasn't on HRT.

[EXHALES] Oh, um, you...
you still with Paul, then?

I am, yeah.

Are you... Are you still with Abigail?

- I am.
- She's so great.

- She is.
- How is she?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Very good, thank you.
Yeah. [EXHALES DEEPLY]

[INHALES] I was telling
my, um, kids how...

how brilliant you all are,

what a shame it is that
we fell out of touch.

Do you know how... you
know how in every group

- there's always a...
- [CELLPHONE CHIMING]

That's Paul. I better...
I better take this because

he's with his parents.

Just check everything's all right.

- Hi, love. Two secs.
- [FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

[EVELYN] Just such a total arsehole.

- Who?
- My boss.

- My boss is such an arsehole.
- Awful person.

Oh, right. Do... Do you know them?

No, no. Just... just
from what Shy was saying.

Right. Yeah.

So, you're happy, Ally?

Yeah. I mean... [LAUGHS]

Yeah, I mean, it hasn't
always been happy,

and we won't always be happy.

There's always f*cking
challenges, aren't there?

What... What sort of challenges?

Oh, just the normal stuff. The normal...

every family... stuff.

[DOOR CLOSES IN DISTANCE]

Oh, that'll be Lukey. Luke.

[RAISES VOICE] Hi, love!
Uh, we're just upstairs.

Give me a shout if you want anything.

- 'Kay!
- Oh, is he coming up to say hi?

Luke, come up and say hi!

So many stairs. [LAUGHS]

Here he is.

Uh, this is Luke.

Although you've all met, obviously.

- Hello.
- [REBEKAH] Hello.

Hi. You're so tall, Luke.

- Am I?
- [LAUGHTER]

We remember you as a teeny-tiny baba.

- Oh, don't embarrass him.
- It's so good to see you.

Yeah, you... you, too.

How was Gaz and the pub?

Uh, yeah, I didn't end
up seeing him in the end.

I just, um, just went for
a nice stroll in the park.

Okay.

I'll make a cup of tea and go
down and play, if that's okay?

Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

Cool. See you all.

- [SHILOH] See you!
- [REBEKAH] Bye.

- See you then.
- Bye.

- Oh, he's adorable.
- What a lovely young man.

"A nice stroll in the park."

[CHUCKLES] What's he playing down there?

Uh, PlayStation or D&D.

It's Dungeons & Dragons.

It's like... it's roleplay.

Improvisation with elves.

Like in Stranger Things.

- Oh!
- Oh.

[EVELYN] Yes, of course.

[SHILOH] That's really sweet
that he still does that.

- [EVELYN] Oh, yeah.
- Better that

than growing up too
fast. You're very lucky.

It's not that sweet.

I think that lots of
-year-olds play D&D, too.

Well, at least you know he's safe,

not like Sammy. I wish Sammy
was innocent like that still.

My Gem's the same. His
social life is crazy.

- Crazy. [CHUCKLES]
- What's Luke up to next?

He's down to the last
few candidates for a place

on a music production
course in Manchester.

It's a very, very prestigious course.

It's life-changing, potentially.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Good for him!

I went to the Adelphi. Manchester.

- Time of my life.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Frankie's off to uni.
- [LUKE] Mum?

Oh! f*cking hell. You made
me jump, Luke. [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah?
- Can I have a quick word?

Yeah.

- Why are you lying, Mum?
- I'm not lying.

- It's true about the course.
- "What's Luke up to next?"

I'd have thought "becoming a dad"

would probably be the
answer to that one.

I'm sorry. I was trying to...

Be someone else? Pretend
that I'm someone else?

No, no, you're perfect just
the way you are. I just...

[SIGHS] It's me. It's me
that's not. I'm so sorry.

I knew you were embarrassed of me.

I'm not, Luke. I'm just a w*nk*r.

I'm a massive, f*cking w*nk*r.

Sorry about that. Where were we?

- Um... Frankie and...
- Ah, yeah, well,

she's got this hideous boyfriend, Sid.

Oh, he's dreadful. He likes himself

- way more than he likes Frankie.
- [LAUGHTER]

How do you know that?

Um...

Ally...

You're still friends, aren't you?

Yes.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Yes. I'm
gonna have a f*cking muffin.

We've been friends
since we last saw you.

[MOUTH FULL] Right, well, why
did you pretend you weren't?

Well, we... we didn't want
to. It was just you assumed.

Well, you could have corrected me.

Uh, excuse me, you two.
Hello. Pipe up, please.

I'm so sorry, Ally.

[CHUCKLES] Have you really
been friends the entire time?

- f*cking hell.
- You weren't on Facebook.

I'm still not on Facebook.
Is that why we're not friends?

'Cause I'm not on f*cking Facebook?

No. That... [SIGHS]

So, how often do you meet up?

Oh, fine. Leave this all
to me. Yeah, cheers, girls.

Look, we used to meet up every week,

but now it's just every few months.

But, look, it was so
good to bump into you.

But it was clear that you thought

that we weren't all still in touch.

But why did you bother coming?

You could have said you were busy.

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

I am... the arsehole.

What?

I'm the arsehole. That's why there isn't

an arsehole in the
group, because I'm her.

You're not an arsehole, Ally.
We really wanted to see you,

and we planned to tell you
that we were still friends,

but... it just seemed...

I don't know... [SIGHS] so mean.

It's a bit mean to come
to my house and lie to me.

That's mean.

- It is.
- It is.

It really is.

So, why did you stop
inviting me to things?

You're lovely, Ally.

[VOICE BREAKING] Why did you
stop inviting me to things?

- Let's just say it.
- Just say what?!

So, this is the picnic that
you're talking about? [EXHALES]

Yeah. We were all hanging
out in Regents Park.

Really sunny day.

Yeah, I remember. It
was a beautiful day.

Paul and my David went
to watch the bubble man

with the big wand thing.

Paul had put some money in the hat,

but the bubble man said,
"Sorry, no more bubbles."

Right.

But Paul said he'd paid for bubbles.

But the bubble man insisted

and said he'd give Paul the money back.

- David was mortified.
- And then... Paul...

[INHALES SHARPLY] called
the bubble man a c**t.

Right, but was he one?

Well, he actually
called him a bubble c**t.

I mean, I thought it was quite funny.

But, it was Abigail. She...

Ally, they were holding our babies.

So? They didn't understand, did they?

And it sounds like the
bubble guy was being a c**t.

If someone's paid for
bubbles, then give them

some f*cking bubbles. It's not hard.

The point is, Paul said it often.

He was always swearing
or shouting, raging away.

We just found it a bit much. He...

He was a bit much.

Right. But it was only one time.

There were some other times, Ally.

But you like me?

We thought if we'd came,

maybe you'd have split
up, or he'd changed.

Oh, we did almost split up, actually.

And he can be an arsehole, but so can I.

He's al... He's also... He's
a f*cking wonderful person,

and he doesn't shout that much anymore.

[SIGHS]

God, he's my best... he's my best mate.

And it's not like I'm Kate
f*cking Middleton, is it?

You have said "f*ck" about times.

[EVELYN] It's not about swearing.

I remember Paul didn't
seem to like us much either.

That's just a thing that he does.

[SIGHS] Well, I'm gutted.

I'm gutted, too. All these years,

I could have been
making you sh*t muffins.

f*ck it. Come on.
Let's just start again,

pick up from where we left off.

That's nice of you. It is, but I...

I can't pretend that Paul
doesn't exist, because he does,

and he will probably say
"c**t" in front of a baby again

because he loves the word "c**t."

And maybe even Luke's baby...

[RAISES VOICE] because
Luke is having a baby.

Yeah, I've been talking
sh*t all day, too.

That's what Luke is up to next.

He is becoming an -year-old dad.

He doesn't live here anymore.

He just comes back to chill out

and be a Dungeon Master.

So, we've all been lying.

[CLICKS TONGUE] But
I've been the best at it.

Let's do this again. I
mean, not exactly this,

but let's not leave it so long.

Yeah. Okay. See ya.

- Okay. Bye, Ally.
- Bye.

[UNDER BREATH] Yeah,
he can be an arsehole.

But I love my arsehole!

[UNDER BREATH] Sorry, kids.

- [MOUTH FULL] No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.

When I was really little.

I'm pretty sure it was only last year.

- Oh, ha ha. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

[LUKE AND AVA CONTINUE
CONVERSATION INDISTINCTLY]

- Hey, hon.
- Hey.

[INHALES DEEPLY] What you looking at?

Houses. We're moving to Reading.

- [SCOFFS] Reading?
- Mm-hmm.

Right. But you... you know
Susie's not staying in Reading.

- She's coming back.
- But she can't come back yet.

She can't just up and
leave her parish, Paul.

Okay, so we're... we're
temporarily moving to Reading?

Yes. No. I don't know.

Would... Would you like me to
drive you to Reading tomorrow?

Yes, please.

- Or you could even drive.
- I could.

[AVA] It's minutes from
Paddington to Reading, Mum.

- I just looked.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- [SIGHS DEEPLY]

I'm gonna get another
one of your muffins.

They're f*cking incredible.

- Having another one?
- [PAUL] I'm coming in again.

- [AVA] He's having another one.
- [PAUL] All right.

[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]

[UNDER BREATH] f*cking arsehole.