03x01 - Heads or Tails

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[waves lapping]

[footsteps approaching]

Damn, Dagmar,

you m*rder*d your own daughter
by tossing her into the ocean.

You're even more depraved than I thought.

Oh, Satan, darling,
save the pillow talk for later.

- [Satan] Aw.
- Dagmar k*lled Bean?

- [all gasps]
- Aw. We were all on her health insurance.

- [dramatic music playing]
- [screams]

Did I die? Am I in heaven?

[chuckles] Not yet.

[gasp and gurgle]

But Bean was your whole plan, darling.

You just threw the bloody plan
in the bloody ocean.

Speaking of which,
would you mind not twirling that so much?

You're dripping on my spats.

Ugh. For the King of Hell,
you sure do bellyache a lot.

Oh, don't give me that look.

[device powering up]

We need a Bean to unlock the magic.

It doesn't say which Bean.

Wait a second.

Where's this head's g*dd*mn body?

[gasps] Hide the body.

Mind your head, ma'am.

I mean never mind.

♪ Bumpita, bumpita
Bumpita, bumpita, bumpita... ♪

[gasps and whispers] They're coming out!
Everyone, skedaddle!

[in normal voice] Ow! My eyeball's stuck!

[groans] Ow!

Now, we just have to find the body,
some assembly required,

and everything will be mine.

I mean ours.

Bean can't be dead.

Come on, Bean.

Look! There she is!

Oh. Wait, no, that's a canoe paddle.

No, wait, there! [chuckles]

Oh, wait, no, another canoe paddle.

There she... Oops.

Dead walrus. Aw. So bloated.

Elfo, I dug her too.

Not in the creepy-crawly way you did,
but she's gone, chumley.

What? Blood?

No. No.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

[panting]

Bean! Bean!

[takes deep breath]

[coughing and gurgling]

Is he swimming or drowning?

Let's wait and see.

[gasping and panting]

[sobs] This is all that's left of her.

One single, solitary, sturdy boot.

Your feet were so big.

[sighs]

She was the first person I ever loved.

She was the first person I didn't hate.

She was the first person
to permit me to sit down.

Hey, what you doing, Bunty? Stand up!

For once, Luci's right.
Sitting around won't help anybody.

I know you're sad.

I'm sad, Bunty's sad, Luci's something,

but Bean d*ed trying to save Dreamland,
and we have to finish what she started.

We don't know exactly what
Dagmar and Satan want, but I declare,

by the crusty yarn strings
of my sacred mop,

the only thing
standing between those jerks and us is us.

Who's with me? For Bean.

- [Bunty] For Bean!
- [Elfo] For Bean!

[groans] Mop water!

[gargling]

[hawks] Thui.

We can't let Dagmar find Bad Bean's body.

Got it, naked Elfo?

Don't you worry,
I found a brilliant hiding place.

Too brilliant for me, actually.
I've forgotten where.

[sighs] I gotta go to bed, I'm exhausted.

Throw me my shorts.

[groans]

[somber music playing]

Huh?

[yawning]

[screaming]

Bunty!

I do me best, Elfo.
I left a mint on the pillow.

I don't see any mint, Bunty.

Look down the neck stump. Nighty-night.

[uneasy music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

presenting the brand-new husband
of the brand-new Queen of Dreamland,

get ready to meet our final boss
and fearless leader,

the Prince of Darkness,
the King of Cruelty,

the Asswipe of Alabama,

I'm talkin' 'bout Satan!

[scattered applause]

Hello, Steamland!

[crowd booing]

Hello, schmoes! Ha ha. Your queen is home.

I can't hear you.

[crowd cheering louder]

That's it, you little yutzes.

"Little yutzes"?

What's that supposed to mean?

Ooh. You think Dagmar knows Trøg Leavo?

Oh, she knows about the very thing

that guards the very stuff
that makes us so very paranoid.

My contemptible, quivering subjects,
you have nothing much to fear from me.

However, someone in Dreamland,
no doubt, in this very crowd,

swiped something precious of mine.

A headless body.

Don't look at me,
I only collect the heads.

The bodies go to Fred, the dog-food maker.

Don't look at me.
I only use low-grade human beef.

[chomps and swallows]

Enough! Whoever has the body
will find their lives a living nightmare

until I get it back,
and I will get it back.

Any questions?

Come on, don't be shy.

I'm getting angry!

Now I'm calming down.

I have a question.

It seems like
we have to wait a year or more

for each new development around here.

How can you expect us to even remember
what's going on after such a long delay?

You're keeping me
waiting right now... [grunts]

Any other stupid questions?

Oh, you mean like the stupid question
you just asked? [chuckles]

Fine. Let the interrogations begin.

Let's start with, say...

Elfo, Luci, Mop Girl, and Bunty.

[chuckles] Nice knowing you.

What are you laughing at?
Grab the pig too!

Ooh. My pork rinds. And anus.

[dramatic music playing]

[rumbling]

Ah. I still can't believe you're for real.

Mora, you're for real, right?

I've had a lot of dreams
and delusions and drug trips lately...

Cool.

- And ayahuasca retreats.
- [chuckles]

But you're real, right?

Aw. Look at your toes curl.
I wish I had toes.

I feel better right now
than I've felt since, probably, ever.

I don't wanna go back home.

This damp cave is pretty cozy.

Then don't go back home.

Yeah, right.

Hey, where's my other boot?

I'm serious. Bean, you're free.

The Land World thinks you're dead,
so nobody's gonna be looking for you.

- Let's just scram out of here.
- I don't know.

Babe, your mom pushed you off a cliff.

- Balcony.
- Way worse. Let's go.

I want to, I... I really do,

but my friends are up there
and... and I'm their queen.

Come on, Queen Bean.

This might be our only chance.

Think of this moment
like a loophole around fate.

I know this rickety, little beach shack
where we could live happily ever after.

Sweetie, every day could be like today.

Ugh! Waiting is the worst t*rture
of all, except for the t*rture.

You're not in our g*ng, Merkimer.

Guard, this demon is hurting my feelings.

Listen up, you meatballs.

We'll be fine, as long as everyone
keeps their big, fat mouth shut.

[scoffs] You're not the one with
headless evidence lounging in your bed.

Quit bragging, horndog.

I'm sorry, wee Elfo.

I'm usually in less of a rush
when I hide a body!

Stop whisper-shouting secrets!

Remember, everyone gives the same answer.

"I don't remember nothin'."

You can use proper grammar,
if you know any.

Excellent.
I've barely been paying attention.

Well, if it isn't Bean's disgustingly
diverse group of gals and pals.

I'll deal with the demon.

Come, Luci,
and I'm not just yanking your chain.

Yikes!

And I'll take the rest of you.
In order of height, tallest first.

Oh! Lousy size queen.

That way, I'll be all warmed up

by the time I get to a certain
pathetic peon with pointy ears.

They're not that pointy, cone bra.

[Dagmar] Oh, Bunty!

Where were you last night?

Well, from : to :,

I hang from a rope
and scrub the outside castle walls,

then from : to :,
I'm down in the coal mines, digging.

From : to closing,

I'm an exotic dancer
at Shrimpo's Clown Room

where I go
b*mb-a-b*mb-a-b*mb-b*mb-b*mb for money.

[growls]

Think Bunty spilled the beans?

Not only that,

she put 'em in a big, old, cast-iron pot
and is stirring a whole mess of chili

for Dagmar to feed to our dead bodies.

I hope there's sour cream.

Next!

Now I can't get that g*dd*mn
"boom-boom" out of my head.

{an}[carnival music playing]

{an}[people chatter]

Step right up, ladies and gents.

The sand in the litter boxes
have been fully sifted

and the freaks are ready to be ridiculed.

But don't feed them,
it only gives them hope.

Oh, Sorcerio.
The only thing freaky about me

is how much I miss you.

Hey, look at that lonely fella. [chuckles]

Can't you see I'm pining here?

Hey, Lamb, how many eyeballs
does that guy got?

I don't know. One, two...

- Ow! Hey!
- [snickers]

[exhales] How many baseballs
does that guy got?

One, two...

Hey, watch it!

If I had my pine cones here,
you'd be sorry.

[woman] Pine cones?

My dear, sweet Jasper, is that you?

Mama, I thought you burnt to a crisp!
I cried like an idiot.

Oh, Jasper,
I've never been happier in my life

to be chained up and fed old hot dog buns.

My mom is a very busy pirate queen,

so she doesn't make
banana bread for me anymore.

Once out at sea, I begged and begged,

and finally,
she baked me a loaf in the galley,

but then the ship b*rned down
and we lost men.

Now, when I mention bananas, she screams.
Sure miss that banana bread.

I hate my dad too. I hate you, Dad!

[man] Now you're grounded
for another year.

I'm glad my nanny divorced you.

Mom was right.

Nanny Gretchen
was a sneaky, lowlife skank.

Hey, Derek, wanna ogle
my naughty tire calendar?

{an}It presents a distorted view of women,

{an}but looking at Nanny Gretchen
makes me feel weird and conflicted.

Tell you what, Petey.

If you stop talking about Nanny Gretchen,
I'll stop talking about the big skillet.

For the last time, where's the body?

Let me ask you a question.

Why does a sexy she-devil like you
wear such cheap perfume?

You know, Mop Girl, I like your sass.
I think we could use you.

Have you ever thought
of joining the dark side?

I tried it once in college. Not for me.

Next.

Welcome to my chamber, Elfo. Have a seat.

- Comfy? Good.
- Mm-hmm.

You see before you a vast array
of t*rture instruments.

Anything on the table pique your interest?

So many to choose from.
Um, what's that one called?

The Bone Popper.

- And that one?
- Tongue Twister.

No, not that one.
The one next over, to the left.

- Your other left. Right.
- Skull Squeezer.

- What's that do?
- It squeezes your skull.

- Oh. Soft squeeze or hard squeeze?
- Hard squeeze.

- And that one?
- Rubber Pants.

Ew. No. And that one?

- Finger Snapper.
- Hmm.

- Is it painful?
- What do you think?

Hmm. What about that one?

That's the Scrotum Slapper, you twit!

Eh. So hard to decide.
Let's start over again.

You've five seconds!

Oh. Well, I like that one,
but the other one...

- That does it!
- I pick the Rubber Pants!

- Too late!
- [screams]

Ah! I'm so glad we could
have this little chat, demon to demon.

[exclaims]

I promised myself I wouldn't gush,
but I am such a big fan of your work.

I mean, floods, famines, tapeworms,
hangnails, seasonal candles.

Dude, you are a genius!

We workshopped cilantro for centuries.

It shows.

I like you, Luci.

In fact, I see some of myself in you

and I know Hell would
be very kindly disposed to you

if you did me a favor.

Can you do me a favor, Luci?

Uh... Depends.

Does it have to do
with that headless body?

What do you wanna do with it anyway?
Somethin' sketchy? Huh?

[chuckles] Is it a sex thing?

The old "Answering a question
with a question" trick.

You know, I invented that.

Invented what?

You don't know
who you're dealing with here,

what you're up against.

Neither do you, watery hot sauce.

See, uh, you think
you can ply me with liquor,

and cigars, and naked playing cards,

and lean into all my daddy issues,
and I'll just sing like a canary,

"Tweedle-deedle-dee,
deedle-doo." [chuckles]

Well, joke's on you, Satan,
'cause I don't even got a dad.

You don't? Why, of course, you have a dad...

son.

[gulps] Wait a minute.

We're enjoying, what is this? [slurps]

Fine brandy,

an ounce of rum,
some curaçao, simple syrup,

freshly-squeezed lemon juice,
and a single rat pellet!

It's a Brandy Daisy, my first cocktail!
I was three years old.

You weren't one
of my drinking buddies. [gasps]

Daddy?

Yes.

Yes, well, um... [clears throat]

Uh, why don't you tell your old man
where the body is?

But I have so much else to tell you, Papa.

Oh. Let me go grab
the scrapbook. [humming]

[stutters] Scrapbook?

[groans] Please, I keep on telling you,
I don't remember nothing.

I don't remember nothing!

Stop talking like
a countrified hillbilly elf,

I just don't buy it.

Watch where you snap that thing, lady.

You know what I hate most?
Wasting my time.

Ow!

So you wanna play snap the bum-bum, do ya?

[chuckles] Okay, Kissy... I mean, Dagmar,

I definitely have some mighty
ambivalent feelings about that.

You think this is a joke, Elfo?

I've been waiting my whole life
for this moment.

It's bigger than you, or me,
or anything else

in this tacky, little kingdom,

and I will not be thwarted by a simpering,
whimpering, whiny, little elf.

- [simpering]
- You're simpering right now!

Bean was ten times the queen
you'll ever be.

[gasps] I'm sorry, is it too late
to pick a safe word?

You know that I know
that you know where the body is.

You'd be surprised how much I don't know.

And if I can't find it,
I'll k*ll you for fun.

[groans and pants]

At least, the Rubber Pants
cushioned my ass.

[whispers] Be strong, Merkimer.
Everything depends on you.

As it always has.
You can rely on me, Elmo.

Next!

Madam, I bring you
a multiple choice seduction.

Do you want, A, my undying adulation?

B, my adult-style undulations,
or C, all of the above?

Ye Gods, you are
some hunks of woman, my queen.

Shut up, you.

I don't mean to be impertinent,
but, uh, are you two sisters?

[groans]

Yo, I won't even mind
if the severed head watches.

We could make very kinky, red-hot love,
right here, on this filthy floor.

That gives me an idea.

Ho-ho! Yes, please.

You tell me where the body is,
or I'll brand your body with this L poker.

For lovers?

- For loser.
- [groans]

'Tis not the sizzling pork platter
I dreamed of.

No, wait, my lady, I'm a squealer.
I'll tell you everything.

Guards, fetch
the royal corpse-handling gloves.

The velvet ones.

The body's in Elfo's bedroom.

[tense music playing]

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay, here's me with
the first t*rture instrument I invented.

- I call it The Banjo.
- [grunts]

Ah! And here's me
inventing Liver and Onions.

And here's me serving children
Liver and Onions in Hell. [chuckles]

[sighs] Yeah.

Party's over! I've got a torso to find.

Oh, thank God.

Uh, goodbye, Luci. You're free to go.

- Hello, Luci.
- 'Sup, Dagmar.

[sniffs] Ugh! You reek
of brandy and failure.

I'm sorry, dear. [sighs softly]

Luci's a master.
I'm pretty sure he tortured me.

Whoa-ho! Hot trophy wife, Pops.

Yeah, yeah, she's got her assets.
Um... [clears throat]

Honestly, the whole wedding
was a debt to Hell

that went very, very badly.

Ah! Thank God. Well, goodbye, Luci.

Is Dagmar my mom now?

Uh, no. Your mom passed away
many, many millennia ago,

but it's a sad story, but, you know.

She can be my new mom.

Really, trust me, you wanna
find somewhere else to be right now.

No, I'm comfortable here, actually.

All right. Uh...

- Sorry, Dag, let me just take care of...
- [groans]

We'll grab dinner tonight, all right?

- Perfect. What time?
- I don't... Text me.

[stutters] I can't.

I'll invent it.

- [sentimental music playing]
- [mermaid] Come on, Bean. Let's go.

Okay, what are you worried about?
Elfo? He'll be fine.

You know I want you. What do you want?

No one's ever asked me that before.

[both scream, groan]

[groans] Elfo, Dagmar knows.
She's on her way to your room right now!

[gasps] We'll never get there
in time with our little legs,

and Dagmar with her long,
sexy gams that go on forever.

I know a secret shortcut.

I use it to avoid people
when they're, you know, people. Come on!

[Dagmar groans]

J-.

Where the bloody hell are you, J-?

I'll k*ll you, J-!

What the... [groans]

{an}Turn to page .

You can skim!

[Elfo gasps]

[both grunting]

You're lifting her wrong!

Well, I'm sorry, stolen cadavers
don't come with instructions.

[footsteps approaching]

[gasps] It's her.
I'd know those boots anywhere.

Ha!

[moaning and kissing]

Elfo, the hell is going on in here?

[sighs] Haven't you ever seen
a romantic grope session before?

Him? Really?

Oh, Mop Girl, you're so much better
than that mini elf.

Hey! The word "mini"
is implied in the word elf.

A-ha!

Hmm. If I find out you're lying to me,

the only thing you'll be kissing
is your ass good-bye.

Okay, goodbye!

[footsteps departing]

Wow. That was almost bad, huh?

What? No, no, no, it's not you.

I... I always flinch when I'm touched,
so that's like a...

Got it, you mean Dagmar.
Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.

No, okay, yeah. No, that was,
yeah, that was bad. Really, super bad.

Yeah, I should probably
go mop something, or something.

- [chuckles]
- Okay, got it. Thank you.

Um, don't mop too hard. [chuckles]

Don't what? "Don't mop too hard"?
What are you thinking?

Oh, you're all tangled up.

Bean. I mean, can I call you that?

I... I know you're just the torso
of the evil version of somebody I knew,

but, well, you'll do.

Oh! Clammy!

You know what they never tell you
about grief, Bean?

Well, apart from the emotional eating.

They never tell you that the worst part
isn't missing the past we had.

It's missing the future we'll never get.

[sighs] I wasted so much time
wanting you to be something else for me,

I didn't appreciate what you were.

My friend.

My best friend.

I'm so sorry.

From here on out, there's gonna be a hole
in the world where you're supposed to be.

Goodbye, Bean.

[sighs]

[Bean] Oh, Elfo.

[gasps] Bean?

Oh, Elfo!

[knuckle cracks]

[closing theme music playing]