03x08 - The Battle of Falling Water

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme playing]

- [footsteps approaching]
- [Big Jo] Whoa, Porky. I said, "Whoa!"

Thirteen miles per sausage. Impressive.

Don't tell Porky.
I just ate the last five sausages.

That's okay.
My arms are getting tired of the dangling.

{an}Behold. Dreamland.
The site of the ultimate confrontation.

Good versus evil. Cursed versus damned.

Overbearing mom
versus disappointing daughter.

Hey! This time, I'll be ruthless.
I got my powers, my insanity,

and of course,
my g*ng of loyal, violent friends.

I just hope they're waiting for me.

Ugh, screw waiting for Bean.

Elfo, you okay with that?
'Cause you're always like,

[as Elfo] "We gotta wait for Bean.
She'll know what to do."

"Bean will chew my food for me
[mock chewing]

and drop it into my gaping mouth
like a mama bird."

"Thank you, Bean." [smacks lips]

Oh, that's okay.

In my head,
my voice sounds deep and manly.

Time to get serious here.
We gotta take on our greatest foes.

- Dagmar.
- Satan.

- Luci.
- Scruffles.

- Scruffles?
- He is the worst.

[as Scruffles]
"Like, my name is Scruffles.

And I, like, say, 'like' all the time."
[exaggerated chuckle]

[groans] You know
whose voice bugs me? Freckles.

Yeah. And honestly,
what's up with Zøg's honking?

Or Chazz? [scoffs]
Who even talks like that?

Says the guy
that sounds like a deflating balloon.

Or a duck being stepped on. [laughs]

Wait, who were we talking about again?

[gasps] Bad Bean!

What the hell are you all doing in my bed?

You are the bad one, right?

- I'll k*ll you.
- [yelps]

[echoing whimpers]

Listen to that unbearable whimpering.

Blow Jo, you know what to do.

- [deep inhale]
- [blows raspberry]

[horn blowing]

- Hmm?
- Huh?

What is that? The underwater orgy horn?

No, that's the ancient call to battle.

There's only so many sounds
you can make with a snail.

[dramatic music playing]

[horn blows]

Gotta go.

[water splashes]

[horn blows]

[screams] Holy mother of marshmallows,
it's the emergency elf battle cry.

We go help brother Elfo, Mum.

And all his tiny pals.

Heh, everyone tiny to us. [grunts]

Just one day from retiremen...

- [squish]
- [muffled shout]

[grunting]

[engine spluttering]

Dreamland. Where dreams,
no matter how compulsive, romantic,

or destructive they are, come true.
You all right in there, Hencho?

It's all right.

[Archdruidess] It's all wrong.
[groaning] Oh, God.

- [harp glissando]
- [angelic choir singing]

Hey, God,
you're just gonna let this happen?

[chuckling] Now, Jerry.

Every time I intervene,
someone takes my name in vain.

It was funny at first,
but now it really pisses me off.

So you're gonna do nothing
just to avoid getting your feelings hurt?

You know what? You're the God of wimps.

I am many things.

[harpsicord music playing]

[whispering] The secret to sneakiness
is absolute silence.

- [snaps]
- Dad, what are you doing?

Snappin' twigs. Calms me down.

Well, now is not the time to be calm.
Give me that!

Thank you, Porky.

- [Oona shouting] Ahoy! Crazy girl!
- What was that?

It's your slinky stepmother
off the portside cliff.

[twig snaps]

[whispering] Oona,
I love you, but shut up.

- [Oona shouting] What?
- Oona, stop shouting.

What? I can't hear... What?

Please, Oona.

[in normal voice] Please, Bean.
Stop yelling. Crazy girl.

Zøg!

Ursula! And my whole freak family.
What are you guys doin' here?

The Electrofish sank.

And Captain Mommy rescued us.

Wait, where the hell's Mora?

I'm sorry, Giant Squirrel.

She heard a wacky horn and suddenly jumped
into the ocean. I think she's unstable.

Don't worry about Mora, Your Majesty.

Right now, I'm sure she's under the sea
dancing around with a singing crab.

It is what mermaids do, isn't it?

- [chuckles]
- [sighs]

[gasping]

[sighs in relief]

[chuckling]

It appears the dark prophecy
is nigh upon us.

We must alert the Secret Society

and postpone tomorrow night's
naked hula hoop contest.

But what about the naked seafood buffet?

All naked activities are postponed.

- Including naked karaoke?
- Yes.

And we're gonna have
a big picnic in the forest

and go skinny-dipping
and have so much fun.

But first, Dagmar needs to be
slaughtered, okay?

Well, I never met her,
but why the hell not?

[tense music playing]

[wheels squeaking]

Halt, cuties. By orders
of Queen Dagmar, none shall pass.

We're not stupid this time.

Oh, yes, you are. Are you sure
you haven't created a mess somewhere?

I mean, come on.
You're the notorious Turbish and Mertz.

Thank you. And who are you?

{an}We're the cleaning crew. Dagmar hired us
to sweep your mess under the rug.

{an}Satisfaction guaranteed. No vomit.

Hmm, you better go ahead.
I'm sure we messed up something.

All shall pass.

[tense music resumes]

Oops.

[rapid footsteps receding]

[snoring]

Woah. Oona, what are you doing up here?

Oh, look at the poor,
innocent saps down there.

They don't even know
that these might be their final snores,

because they will be dead,
bloodied, battered, beaten to pulp,

arrows through their heads,
but not in a comical way.

Well, goodnight, Bean.
I hope that didn't bum you out too much.

Oona's right.
Too many people are gonna die.

It's up to me to save Dreamland,
and I have to do it by myself.

- [squelching footsteps]
- [snoring]

[grunts] Zøggy! Stop snoring!

- Sorry, Oona.
- Go to sleep.

Wait, are we still married?

[groans]

[somber music playing]

I think this is the best,
albeit smelliest option available.

- [thumping]
- [Bean grunting] Oh, my tendons.

Whoo!

[shouting]

All right, Satan,
where the hell is Dagmar?

Please don't shout, Bad Bean.
I get enough screeching from your mother.

Bad Bean, what?

Oh, right. I am Bad Bean,
and I'm very evil and super upset.

Where's my mom
and why can't you sit up straight?

Didn't you just leave with Dagmar
to go down to the Crystal Cavern

- to unlock magic?
- What?

Hey, El Flamo? That ain't Bad Bean.
That's, like, the annoying one.

[chuckles]

Crystal Cavern?
The magic's been there all along.

When Dagmar took me there as a kid,
she was prepping me.

Those weren't just playdates
with the mole people. Of course.

- [bell ringing]
- [quacking]

[man shouting] It's :,
and you know what that means.

[Elfo coughing]

[Mop Girl] It's go time.

- Someone's coming. Hide.
- [gasps]

All clear.

- Someone's coming. Hide.
- [gasps]

[rhythmic grunting]

All clear.

- Someone's coming. Hide.
- [Elfo gasps]

[groans] I need a drink.

Luci, no!

I've got this one.
[echoing] All hail Satan.

[scatting]

[sighs]

You're pathetic, you know that?

Care for a Brandy Daisy, Luci?

No, I'm not gonna take your drink.

Hmm.

You were my idol, man.

Now you're standing there,
scratching your jiggly, red balls.

When was the last time
you even threw a cat down a well?

- Last year.
- And what happened to that cat?

I rescued him and named him Scruffles.
He's napping upstairs right now.

You disgust me.

Oh Luci, it's true. I have nothing to do.

It's cold up here.
I'm freezing my jiggly, red balls off.

Dagmar did leave me
in charge of the throne.

That throne is plywood,

and you really think
when Dagmar gets what she's after,

she's gonna share any of it
with the likes of you?

[blows raspberry] You're a chump, dude.

And to think,
you created Norwegian death metal.

I can no longer abide
your feckless passivity. Good day, sir.

[scatting]

[scatting echoing]

[rhythmic marching]

[ceremonial music playing]

I can't believe that elf was sitting
on my side of bed with his curly shoes on.

Why can't I just k*ll them now?

Not yet, dear.
We'll have our revenge on everyone

once we screw on that crown
and harness the magic.

[squealing]

Bean, you have no time to waste.

Your sexier twin sister

and even sexier mother
are headed to the magic right now.

Quit listening to my incessant nattering
and scoot. I say, scoot!

Thanks. Anything else?

Yes, I'm very lonely.

[sighs]

Come on, guys.
We're gonna be late for the battle.

Wait, I need a new battle diaper.

[whimpers]

Bunty, ready the magic screwdriver.

No, that's a wrench.

Oh, here we are.

I painted it all gold and sparkly,
just for the occasion.

I stole the glitter
from Shrimpo's clown room.

[frustrated growl]

[gasps]

Hi, Mom. Hi, evil me.

[Dagmar] Oh, Bean.
You think you can defeat us all alone?

As long as you come at me
one by one, I'll be okay.

[arrows swishing]

- [grunting]
- [clanging]

You ain't alone, Beanie.

Ow, ow, ow! Get 'em, kids!

- [shouting]
- [Zøg] What?

Huh. This beach is so much prettier
without all the elf skeletons.

Elfo. Look out!

[groans]

She k*lled Alivo! He will be missed.

No, wait, it was Deado.

- Still, very sad.
- I mean, Who Careso.

Shut up! Charge!

[shouting]

[all shouting]

[buzzing]

- [grunting]
- [screams]

Ow!

God, I missed this.
Reminds me of our drinking days.

Plus, it's w*r, so it's legal.

- Look out, Luci!
- [pops]

[shouts, groans]

Thank you, Bean. Hiyah!

- [grunting]
- [clanking]

- [fleshy squish]
- [screams]

- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah! [chuckling]

How does it feel to be k*lled
by a couple of fat, little wankers?

Compliments of Maids' Union .

- [expl*si*n]
- [screaming]

We're lucky, honey.
Not every couple gets to work together.

[soldiers groaning]

Oh, darn it. Now, I can't remember
which head goes on which body.

Boys, Mop Girl,
keep this door protected at all costs.

- Got it. Pa-choo! Twang. Pang. Pong. Poom.
- [arrows whooshing]

Ooh, right in the plums!
[burbling] That's gotta hurt.

[groaning]

Hmm.

[bleats]

Huh? Ow! [grunts]

[engine spluttering]

Dreamland, at last.

[echoing] Yoo-hoo! Trøgs? I have arrived.

I was expecting a welcoming committee.

Now, Hencho, show me those weird bottles
you've been hiding.

The ones filled with goo.

Phew.

Thank you for letting me
out of the suitcase, sir.

It was hot and farty in there.

Soon, Bean and I will be enjoying
a whole new world

far from all the naysaying
and bitterness and muttering.

[angry muttering]

You son of a bitch.

[tense music playing]

- [crackling]
- [straining]

[flapping]

[straining]

- [zaps]
- [groans]

[static crackling]

[shouts, groans]

Mora!

[both grunting]

- [shrieks]
- [gags]

[shouts]

[grunting]

- [squelch]
- [whimpers]

Ow!

[screams]

Bean, how you doing?

I haven't worked out
or k*lled anybody in a really long time.

So, this is exhausting.

[shouts] Is this an inappropriate time
to say that I love you?

Aw, so romantic. [grunts]

- [metallic clanging]
- [wood creaking]

- [whooshes]
- [claps]

[swishing]

[scampering footsteps receding]

- [clanging]
- [grunts]

[gravelly shouting]

Huh?

[shrill shouting]

- [honks]
- [yelps]

Fellow Seekers,
prepare to fulfil our ultimate duty.

Orgy position five.

[flute trills]

Have at 'em, my sexies.

- Huh? [groans]
- [whips cracking]

Whip!

Hmm.

[whip cracks]

When I came to Dreamland with you,
I begged you to join the Society

and use the powers of kinkiness for good.

[both shout]

You could've been
my royal footstool by now,

but, no, you had to be disloyal.

No, Dagmar.
I was always loyal to my one true love.

- Dreamland.
- What?

And of course you too, Sorcerio.

That's more like it.

- [whip cracks]
- [yelps] My right floppy jowl!

Hold on, Dagmar.

- I love you.
- But you're not romantic.

In case you hadn't noticed,
I'm in a whip fight for my life here.

So, can we just agree to disagree?

You see, Porky?

Communication is the key
to a healthy relationship.

Oh Porky, how much longer
must this silent treatment continue?

Oh Porky, Porky, Porky.

- [whip cracks]
- Oh shut up, you wrinkled, pruney codgers.

When I get what I'm after,
I'll never get old. [shouting]

[groaning]

[screaming]

- [groans]
- [gurgling gasp]

- [grunts] Medic!
- [screams]

[imitating siren wail]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Take that.

[groans]

[panting] Bean?

[solider] Come on, lads.

I know everything
you're gonna do, including that.

And that. And that. And that. So clumsy.

[sinister cackling]

- [harp glissando]
- [angelic choir singing]

Come on, God.
Now you're just gonna let evil triumph?

This is not a fairytale, Jerry.
Good does not always win.

Yeah, but I... But you're God!
You can do anything you want.

Just relax and enjoy
the humans b*ating each other up.

What are they even fighting over anyways?

Magic. But don't blame me.
I didn't create it.

Believe it or not, magic is the result
of a natural scientific process.

It all starts up here in Heaven
where angels cry tears of jubilation

- that flow into the River of Joy,
- [thunderclap]

which turns into holy raindrops
that gently fall to Earth

and become the Dreamland river.

Which runs by the castle
and seeps downward

into the rich Dreamland soil
and guano deposits.

[magical ringing]

At the same time,
unholy steam ascends from Hell

- and heats the heavenly water.
- [steam hissing]

Magic is the result
of a perfect combination

of holy waters from Heaven
and steam vapors from Hell.

[swords clanging]

- [grunts]
- Which are you fighting harder,

me or the memories this cave brings back?

- [grunts]
- Or did you block 'em out?

'Cause, mmm, this was the place
Mom laid out your whole future for us.

Yeah, well, that future was cancelled,
warrior princess.

[grunts]

[coughs]

Yet, years later, here you are,
about to fulfill Mom's biggest dream.

[Bean gasps]

Don't worry.
I'm not gonna behead you like you did me.

No, I would never do that.

I'm gonna slice you in half, straight down

[mocking voice] and no one's gonna ever
put you back together again.

- [crackling zap]
- [thuds]

[crown rattling]

That didn't hurt.

Then why is smoke coming out of your ass?

Well, fine, it hurts a little.

[zapping]

[magical crackling]

You can't win, Bean! [chuckling]
It's not just 'cause we're the same.

You can't never win
because you're self-defeating, Bean.

I'm just here to move that along.

If there's one thing
painfully clear about you,

as clear as these crystals,
it's that you never learn.

You're just stalling
until you recharge your powers.

- You have learned something. Bravo.
- [sarcastic clapping]

Recharge.

- [crackling]
- [magical humming]

[rebound pinging]

[intense crackling]

Yeah, I've learned. I learned good.

About stience and crystal batteries,
and potato radios, explosions,

and it all originally comes from nature.

And you know what?
When you understand it, stience is magic.

[energized thrumming]

[dramatic music swelling]

- [magical tinkling]
- [loud zap]

[sarcastic chuckling]

So, we're really magic now,
huh, baby Beanie?

We?

- [crackling]
- [energized thrumming]

[weak crackling]

[fizzles]

[crackling zap]

Baked Beans. This is fun.

[crackling]

[indistinct shouting]

[shouts]

There's more than one way
to use magic, you fool.

[straining]

[gasps]

[shocking music sting]

[Bad Bean chuckles wickedly]

Bean. [gasps]

[sobbing] Bean! Why?

Oh, baby, no, no, no, no.

[voice wavering] Hang in there.
Come on, please. Please.

No, no! No, no, no, no!
[echoing shout] No!

[sorrowful music playing]

Good job, darling.

- Like daughter, like mother.
- [both chuckle]

- [enraged shouting]
- [crackling pulse]

- [thrumming]
- [powerful zap]

- [crackling]
- [boom]

[rebounding hum]

[crackling blast]

[dark triumphant music playing]

[sizzling]

[weakly] Your death will never
be this cool.

Told ya.

- Stomp.
- [bones crunch]

[wind blowing]

[sorrowful music resumes]

[closing theme music playing]