02x02 - The Journey is the Obstacle

[bunniefuu]

[WILLIE] Previously on Heels

[JACK] I told Ace about the Kleenex.

- [STACI] What'd he say?

- [JACK] The whole thing

was a little bit of a blur.

[ACE] I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

I may not deserve it, but

if you give me another chance

I promise I'm never

gonna let you down again.

[WILD BILL] You wanna be seen?

You cannot rely on others

who want the focus on them.

[BUNNY] Hey, Ace!

[GULLY] Your new DWL champion is

the valet,

Bunny Bombshell according

to Jack Spade's logic,

I guess anybody can just grab the belt.

[WILD BILL] Jack, you need my expertise.

You don't know, really,

what the f*ck you're doing.

[CONSTANCE] You must introduce

me to Wild Bill.

[JACK] Bill, this is Constance.

She booked us for the fair.

You are a wise woman, Constance.

- [CONSTANCE CHUCKLES]

- [JACK] You got suspended?

[STACI] You can't hit people

out of anger.

[THOMAS] Dad hit Uncle Ace

at the hospital.

[STACI] Jack, each action

and each situation,

you could've resisted. You embraced 'em.

You f*cking leaned in.

[ACE] You act like

you're some kind of genius.

You ruined my f*cking life.

[STACI] Tomorrow's a new day.

You could talk to him more.

[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,

- and I'll hit you back.

- [PHONE BEEPS]

[CAROL] Thatta boy, Ace.

Thatta boy.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

[SINGER] I'm not waiting for ♪

The answer ♪

♪

I will ♪

Walk in the shore ♪

To find you ♪

To find ♪

The peace that's your own ♪

Where you come from ♪

All that you want ♪

♪

One that's your own ♪

Place to call home ♪

Won't be ♪

Granted ♪

What is fair in love ♪

Is fair in w*r ♪

♪

What is fair in love ♪

Is fair in w*r ♪

One ♪

To one ♪

What's love ♪

In w*r? ♪

♪

["GIMME SHELTER"

BY THE ROLLING STONES PLAYING]

♪

[SINGING ALONG] Ooh ♪

The storm is threatenin' ♪

My very life today ♪

If I don't get some shelter ♪

Ooh, yeah I'm gonna fade away ♪

[THE ROLLING STONES] w*r, children ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away, w*r ♪

[BRIAN] Hey, Willie,

it's Brian from Mayorca Beer.

Uh, couldn't make the show, but

heard the news. Congratulations.

Now let's square up, uh,

accounts now that you're flush.

I'm around all day. Give me a call.

Oops, must've missed your message,

Brian, you perky fake f*ck.

[REGGIE] Willie,

Reggie from Connors Roofing.

Tell Jack I gotta get paid.

It's been eight months.

[WILLIE] Never a lid. Never a lid.

- Lids just vanish.

- [SIGHS]

See you guys tonight. No idea when.

Hey, hug.

In two years, I'll be off to college,

- and you'll miss me.

- [WILLIE] Really?

Get your grades up,

or you won't sniff a college

you can go away to.

[TED] Have fun at work, hon.

[ROBIN] I thought

she was quittin' the DWL.

Me too, love. Me too.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

- What's wrong?

- [STACI] Hey.

Sorry, no one d*ed.

But I just got an alert

about a county highway meetin'

on the family calendar, so

[JACK SIGHS] Sorry, I keep

clicking on the wrong calendar.

No worries. We all do it.

The county's taking bids,

but they moved that meetin' to the 11th.

Jack, today's the 11th.

f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

sh*t! God damn it!

Just call and say you overslept.

Jack, you're okay.

Jack, you there?

Yeah, no, I'm here, in our home.

I'm just not where I should be,

which is selling

industrial f*cking lawnmowers,

God damn it!

I'm sorry. I love you.

sh*t!

[STACI] Jack, they love you there.

So don't rush. Also, I wanna remind you

we gotta meet with

Thomas' principal tomorrow

to discuss the punching incident.

It's also on

the shared family calendar

- the purple one.

- [ENGINE STARTS]

Timmy's got me scheduled

to open the shop tomorrow

if I'm not fired today.

Thomas is suspended

until we meet with the school.

Well, do we both have to be there?

Because I took off

too much time for the fair,

and my leverage has dwindled.

[STACI] Both parents need to be there.

Well, then I'll be there.

Jack, you sell more lawnmowers

than anyone else at that company.

Chisel that onto my gravestone.

[STACI] Drive safely. Call me later.

I will.

[SPITS]

So nice to go on a run with you.

Sorry, I just

I needed to run hard, think,

then run and not think.

You and Thomas can stay here

as long as you need.

What's up?

Oh, Jack just added a work meeting

on the shared family calendar.

I was afraid he'd miss it,

so I called him.

You're nicer than I would've been.

[STACI] Not really.

Poor guy's always doing

three things at once.

He's I feel for the guy.

He's

he's my guy still.

We just

gotta find our way back to each other.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

Hey, you and I need to talk.

Where are you?

Why? You bringin' over croissants?

- [WILLIE] You wish.

- That's why I suggested it.

[WILLIE] I just wanna

make sure that last night,

when we were talking,

you weren't blackout drunk

or high as sh*t, because if you

and I are gonna work together,

we really need to be you know.

No, I wasn't high last night.

You're whispering.

You've got some chippy

in your bed, don't ya?

A lady, not a chippy.

Her name's Constance.

I believe you've met.

You banged Constance,

the fair commissioner?

Perhaps I did. Perhaps I did not.

Which would you prefer?

Oh, my God! That dirty, dirty bird.

[WILD BILL] She's quite nice

and the reason we got the fair.

Correction

I'm the reason we got the fair.

Yeah, okay, well, she still

owes us our appearance fee.

So you tell that dirty bird

Hey! Slut-shamer. Stop calling her that.

I will call that trampy little

knob-gobbler whatever I want.

Get her to get me a check.

I've got countless overdue

bills I gotta pay today.

Happy to be of service.

You've serviced nothing

but that dirty Tweety's twat.

Get her up out of bed and get

her flapping her wings my way.

And if her check doesn't bounce,

maybe you'll get

some g*dd*mn croissants.

Chocolat, s'il vous plaît. Merci.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God damn it.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[CUSTOMER] Thank you.

Oh, uh, I'd like

the restroom key, please.

You gotta buy something, thank you.

Um, I'll get just the key

would be great.

Key's for people who buy something.

I bought four Cokes at a

Gas 'N' Break five hours back.

I didn't sell you those Cokes.

Each Gas 'N' Break's a franchise.

Profits from those Cokes

are in the register

of the Gas 'N' Break

five hours back, not mine.

Well, yeah, but come on, man.

You guys draft off each other, right?

Makes sense that

if I buy X amount of liquid

at Gas Break A, I should be

able to use the restroom

at Gas Break B.

People lie all the time.

I got the empty Cokes

and the receipt in my Volvo to prove it.

I'm just tryin' to piss it back out.

Y'all gotta come up with some

sort of sales QR tracking code

or some sh*t, so we're not debatin'

a man's right to relieve himself.

Sir, I'm not in the restroom business.

If you wanna piss out their Cokes,

drive back, piss out

their Cokes in their restroom,

or you could buy a new Coke here.

I'll loan you my key.

I got Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero.

Stick 'em all up your ass, sir.

- [PEE TRICKLING]

- [SIGHS]

[OWNER] You gon' wash that all away.

[SCOFFS]

[WHISPERS] This f*cking

That's it. Now git.

For good.

[GRUMBLING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER STEREO]

[STEREO CLICKS OFF]

[SNEERS]

[SOFT MUSIC]

First time I kissed a man

with a mustache.

- Ooh, so last night was your first time riding one too?

- [LAUGHS]

You took to it pretty well.

- [LAUGHS]

- If you need me today,

- I'll be at my chiropractor.

- [LAUGHS]

- [GROANS]

- [LAUGHS]

Don't tell Willie I forgot the check

because you seduced me.

How 'bout we go to my big,

empty house next time?

Gets cold there, maybe you can

come by and warm me up.

I'll use my entire body

as a giant blanket.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mmm. Mm.

[WILD BILL] Mmm. Mmm!

Would you like to touch it

one more time before you go?

[CONSTANCE LAUGHS] Not in a parking lot.

But definitely later. Call me.

[WILD BILL] Will do.

[ALEX] Hey, guys, we've got Jim Freeman

with us today, author of

one of my favorite books,

The Journey is the Obstacle.

Jim, please.

Tell the folks about your

inspiration for writing it.

[JIM] Thanks, Alex.

So there's many an adage

that has led us astray.

Top of the list

life's about the journey,

not the destination.

- I say bullshit.

- Right.

[JIM] Many of us are stuck

on the wrong journey.

Yet we dawdle, because we've been taught

that we don't deserve

the astonishing now.

You cannot create your own

version of the astonishing now

if you're mired in making a

foolish journey seem meaningful.

The journey you've chosen

is your obstacle.

[ALEX] Yeah, totally. I can see that.

[JIM] If the journey you're on

is not astonishing

in its spectacularity,

you must abandon it and start anew.

- [ALEX] Mm.

- [JIM] Each of us are called

to ignite journeys sparked

with the transcendent power

of the astonishing now.

But so many of us don't answer.

Wake up!

Hey, Siri, define "transcendent".

[ENGINE TURNS OFF]

[BOBBY CLAPPING]

Whoo, there's the champ!

- [CHUCKLES]

- Did you sleep with that thing on?

Oh, I did not sleep.

I didn't want the feeling

of that moment to end.

Didn't end. It is just starting.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, um,

Bobby, I just wanted to say

thank you for being in my corner.

I've never had anyone in my corner.

Not like you.

It's dope.

Well, your corner's a fun corner.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- [JACK] Hey!

- [WILLIE] Hey!

[JACK] Amazing job last night.

[WILLIE] Well, last night's over.

Today, the wolves are at the door.

People think we're flush with cash now.

Money from the fair is spoken for

still got a mountain of unpaid bills.

We always knew the state fair

was gonna be a loss leader.

We did it to capitalize

on the buzz that we'd get.

Don't tell me why we did it.

I know why we did it.

I also know a lot of that buzz

paints us as jabronis.

Gully's already cut two promos,

saying our finish was bogus.

I already blew off all of Gully's heat.

[WILLIE] Get on Instagram,

'cause half our comments are

Dystopia marks mockin' us

- on our own page.

- Let 'em.

Nobody ever gave a sh*t. Now they do.

That's good.

[CHUCKLES] Not if we don't

know what we are doing.

Look, I got 50 texts

media, fans, sponsors

possible momentum, but

I got no-mentum with no plan

because the fair's finish

was not our plan.

- We're back to square one.

- [JACK] No.

Mystery plus confusion

equals ticket sales.

We're at, the very least, at square two.

Ticket sales? To what?

Look, I don't know what I'm promotin'.

Is Crystal really champ? Bunny?

Is someone calling someone else out?

Maybe there's an in-ring interview

with Bill's sh*t-stained tights.

I don't need a full script, just a gist,

just a sliver of a gist,

something to promote.

We gotta pack the house, dude.

We gotta pack it this week,

next week, and the week after that.

We gotta pack it over and over and over.

What the f*ck is up with Ace?

'Cause he vanished last night.

I'm gonna go see him this afternoon.

And do what, just have a laugh

about how y'all almost

k*lled each other in the ring?

He heard the cheers.

He knows what we achieved.

- It was greatness.

- Well, good.

Maybe greatness can be achieved

a second time

by inspiring some words

to come out of your mouth,

about what the f*ck happens next?

Goin' to round everyone up.

[PHONE CLACKS, LINE RINGS]

[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,

- and I'll hit you back.

- [LINE BEEPS]

Ace, look, I know

we had an eventful endin'

to last night's show,

and we hadn't talked yet.

I've been trying to reach out

and I'm sure you're still sleepin'.

Willie's been up my ass

for next week's show.

Look, just tell me what you wanna do.

And we'll do it. Okay?

Let's build off

of what we accomplished

together.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

[RICKY] I think these boys

got something here.

I'd cut back on the road dates,

build the business with them.

- You?

- Only if you promise

your possum drone

will puke in Jack's face.

I'll shake on that right now.

Look, a lot of upside here,

a lot of potential.

But they need a update

announcers, big screens

so the live house

can watch promos, vignettes,

interviews, maybe a podcast

gotta take it beyond the ring.

[RICKY] Look at you, Bill,

wakin' up with ideas.

[GULLY] Twitchin' her cottontail ass,

- so she got the belt.

- [ALL CHUCKLING]

[GULLY] According to Jack

Spade's logic, I guess anybody

can just grab the belt.

They don't even need to be in the back.

They could be a bunny, a chipmunk,

or a palomino pony with a braided tail.

That boy's neck

must be made of concrete.

Billy, you clobbered him.

Hurtin' him put a hop in my step.

Gully's got a good point, though.

It was a no-DQ match,

but Crystal still wasn't in it.

Crystal won. They cheered.

You didn't seem this concerned

with Crystal winning last night.

Eh, I just shotgunned three beers, bro.

I'm just saying. [CHUCKLES]

In the light of day,

we got some explainin' to do.

Hardcore fans won't respect us

if we don't.

Now boys, it is what we make of it.

Maybe since Crystal's Bill's valet,

she won it for Bill.

You fixed it even better, Ricky.

Somebody bring big daddy my belt.

[JACK] How are the hangovers, y'all?

Round of applause for all of us!

- Yeah right!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Willie! Debbie.

Everything that you did

behind the scenes bravo.

You are seen. You are appreciated.

Thank you.

- [WRESTLER] Whoo.

- [WRESTLER] Good job, ladies.

- [WRESTLER] That's right.

- Ricky!

It's good to have you with us

last night.

You lent us your fans and your skillset.

- Thank you.

- [WRESTLER] Amen!

- [WRESTLER] Ricky!

- [WRESTLER] Whoo.

I hate that stupid heart thing,

almost as much as when

they bow with praying hands.

[JACK] The Dad!

I-I didn't see your match,

but Willie says you did good.

Thank you and congrats.

- [WRESTLER] Yeah.

- [WRESTLER] All right, Dad.

[WRESTLER] Yo, he f*cking k*lled it.

- [CRYSTAL] All right, Dad.

- [WRESTLER] Big Jim.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- [JACK] Okay, he's back.

- [CRYSTAL] Big Jim.

- Talk to your wife.

Make it official.

We're better with you here.

- [WRESTLER] Yes, sir.

- [WRESTLER] Welcome back, Jim.

Sure hope these guys like

gettin' paid in compliments,

'cause that's all we've got

left to pay 'em with.

Bill.

You swallowed your embarrassment,

and you kept the show goin' last night.

That gesture, that means a lot,

not just 'cause it benefitted us,

but for what it says about you

as a friend to the DWL.

- Says I shoulda took a enema.

- [LAUGHTER]

Crystal.

You launched yourself

into the chaos last night

of some festering Spade family drama.

And we only weathered it 'cause of you.

It's 'cause of your guts.

It's your instinct.

It's your heart.

I'm grateful for you.

Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That sh*t was amazing.

Last but not least is Ace Spade,

who's still sleeping apparently.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

When everything was gettin'

crazy last night,

before Crystal saved the day,

Ace coulda climbed the ladder,

grab the belt, but he didn't.

Okay?

'Cause he cares about

this here promotion.

DWL was resuscitated,

because Ace and I shook hands

on a vow of loyalty.

And for real bad reasons,

I-I squandered that.

So if anyone here

has a problem with Ace Spade

it started with me.

I deserve the blame,

because I put y'all's hard work at risk.

I'm sorry.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

I gotta write this week's show.

Crystal,

you're now a DWL wrestler.

- Welcome to the roster.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay, for this week's card,

I gotta rewind a few things

just a little bit.

We're gonna invalidate the results

of the ladder match

due to technicalities,

build some heat,

promote the sh*t out of it,

deliver k*ller stories.

I want y'all to stay sharp, stay tuned.

We survived.

Now, let's build on it. Thank you.

Jack, come on!

That sh*t's not fair!

I think I deserve way more than scraps.

It's bullshit that

I have to give up the belt

after holdin' it for one night.

I'm confused.

I should be able to defend

my title in the ring,

not relinquish it

on some f*ckin' technicality.

You came to my house.

You said you'd do whatever

it takes for the DWL.

So there were conditions

you didn't disclose then?

Jack, I'm tryna talk about my

future in the DWL in the present.

We were together in the past,

five seconds ago,

when I pronounced you a DWL wrestler,

which, 24 hours ago, you were not.

I'm not arguin' that.

No? You were shoutin' after

me and calling bullshit.

Jack, I-I followed you to talk to you.

A week ago, you cried to me,

saying that you would do

- anything for the DWL.

- [CRYSTAL SCOFFS]

I wasn't crying to you.

I was trying to take

responsibility for my actions.

But it would seem that "anything" meant

before you got the belt.

'Cause now you got the belt,

and you're the one

who's telling me what's next?

That's what you left out

when you were cryin'

and apologizin'.

You're real focused on that day.

I gotta square that day with

what's happening right now.

And do not consider any part

of any event scraps.

So let me know if you wanna

be part of this promotion.

Follow me, fucko.

- Ah.

- [WILLIE] You just got a gift.

I was just trying to stick up for my

[WILLIE] Shut up!

I thought you were smart.

Jack just gave you more praise

than anyone in this buildin'.

I got two sentences.

You got a monologue.

He actually used the words,

"I am so grateful for you".

And you go marchin' after him,

stampin' and stompin'

in your little Care Bear boots,

whinin' "No fair"?

Jesus.

This promotion is in the dark ages

when it comes to women wrestlers.

You ever wrestled a 30-minute match?

'Cause that's what it takes

to be at the top of the card

in this business 30 minutes.

How's your cardio, hmm?

And what's your gimmick?

'Cause as far as the audience knows,

Bunny Bombshell now has the DWL belt

or whoever Bunny was,

before you tore your ears off.

We don't know.

So if you've got solutions, share 'em.

Otherwise, quit runnin' your mouth.

I wasn't tryin' to run my mouth.

Really? 'Cause you opened it,

and you let words spew forth

without thinkin'.

- If you say so.

- Oh, I say so.

I f*ckin' know so.

I've lost my life to this business.

So listen to what I say.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

I am listening.

Really.

Well, I have no idea

who your Mr. Miyagi is,

but clearly, you've been practicin'.

You didn't learn all that on the

trampoline in your front yard.

Regardless,

there's a match this Saturday night,

and before your hissy fit,

Jack was writin' you into it.

For all I know, now he's in

his office writin' you out.

Well, I will go apologize to him.

You will sit in this room

for ten minutes

and do nothin' but reflect

on how you can better speak to

people about your aspirations.

Nobody owes you sh*t.

Today's Monday.

Your road to fairness starts now.

Go get one of the boys, who isn't tryin'

to stick his d*ck in you

to help and start workin'.

Get in the ring.

Get through five minutes

of action nonstop,

then ten minutes, then 15, then 20.

And if you can't do that, well,

that's the story Jack writes

you sidelined

before you even got started.

And whose fault is that?

[DOOR SLAMS]

- [JACK] Hey, Ma.

- [CAROL] Hi.

What's with the rocks?

I'm bombarded with junk mail.

I discovered if

I ship back a box of rocks

using the postage-paid-by-addressee

envelope, it'd cost them a lot of money,

and it stops.

- Respect.

- Mm-hmm.

I've been calling Ace since last night.

Well, we

the show went well, but we had

a little bit of a spat.

He's gone, Jack.

You make it sound ominous.

[CAROL] He left with food

and his sleeping bag.

Then just say he went camping.

He went camping, Jack.

You don't think he went camping.

Took his Xbox.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Welcome.

Please be made aware that this

establishment is cash only.

No credit card, no Venmo,

no PayPal, no Apple Pay,

no crypto cash only.

Seems pretty restrictive.

I'll just have some, uh, white toast.

Hmm, tryna lose weight?

Just tryna enjoy some toast.

[SIGHS]

Let me buy you a meal, partner.

Man with your frame needs protein.

I'm not tryin' to offend.

I've had days where all I ate was toast.

I like toast.

Can't trust a man who doesn't.

- I usually

- Buddy, I ain't lonely.

Go find some other runaway

to make s'mores with.

Mm.

Well, you seem kind of old

to be a runaway.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[WAITRESS] Hey!

So you dining and dashing

on me, you m*therf*cker?

[PERSON] What you mean?

- What?

- [WAITRESS] Pay.

Get pay yo' bill.

[PERSON] Oh, God. [CHUCKLES]

- Keep the change.

- [WAITRESS] Change?

Keep the f*ck away from here,

you g*dd*mn thief.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

Here.

I don't know why I did that.

I do.

You feel the world owes it to you.

So you keep it.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

[WRESTLERS GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- [GROANS]

- [WRESTLERS JEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

- Okay.

- [BOBBY] Come on.

Come on, Dad.

[BOTH GRUNT]

- [BOBBY] Nice, nice, nice.

- [WRESTLER] Attagirl.

- [STOPWATCH BEEPS]

- That was 12 minutes.

[THE DAD BREATHING HEAVILY]

That was not 12 minutes.

That was 11 minutes, 46 seconds.

[BOTH EXHALE]

Ah, that sucked.

Diego, you think you can last

15 minutes with me?

- Uh

- [LAUGHTER]

Okay. All right.

In a bygone era,

I woulda had a great answer

to that question,

but I'll just say this.

Let's lock up.

Ah.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

Hey, man, you work here?

[WORKER] Are you buying or complaining?

Buyin'. Uh, is this, uh,

jacket good for the rain?

What do you mean "good for the rain?"

If I'm in the rain, will I be good?

Well, it is a raincoat.

So I think the answer is yes.

You ever gone camping in Dover Springs?

Nah, I hate camping.

You work at a camping store.

Alimony. Don't ever get married.

So if you're hikin' and campin'

in Dover Springs,

I hope you're all geared up.

You got bear spray?

There's bears in Dover Springs?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

They passed a law

you can't k*ll 'em anymore,

but bears don't seem

to be thankful about that

when you run into 'em, so watch out.

You got hiking boots?

Uh, naw, I was just

I was just gonna wear these.

You're gonna hike in soccer shoes?

It's pretty rough terrain.

They're broken in. I'll be good.

Hey, I just wanna make sure

you know what you're doin' up there.

I mean, you're asking me about

the efficacy of a raincoat.

This this particular raincoat.

Raincoats always work, man.

That's why they're raincoats.

Do you sell tents?

[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.

[CRYSTAL SIGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

[MARKER SCRIBBLING]

[PERSON] Every time,

just keeps making the bus.

I don't understand

[JACK] I don't think it's too bad.

I'll smile more to offset it.

Thank you for waking me up yesterday.

Think we're gonna get that

contract with the county

a lot of mowers.

Jack, that's so great.

Ace left town.

I have no idea where.

I think the idea is he don't

want me havin' any idea,

'cause he hates me.

He doesn't. He's not gone far.

He took his Xbox.

I never shoulda told him the truth.

Staci, we were cookin'.

We had arrived.

Let's just have this meeting,

get Thomas back in school.

Ace will be back.

Hello there, Mr. Spade, Mrs. Spade.

- Good to see you again.

- Hey, good to see you.

Despite the circumstances. Um

- This is Jennifer Stone.

- Hi.

Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Stone.

- [JENNIFER] Hi.

- [PRINCIPAL] She works with

the district as a school psychologist.

Uh, sorry we kept you waiting.

[JACK] Uh, no worries at all.

The amount of time I spent

in this here office as a boy

makes me nostalgic to be back.

[CHUCKLES] Usually,

the principal's office

brings up scary memories.

I hope you weren't

a troublemaker, Mr. Spade.

Well, I didn't

necessarily make any trouble

didn't shy away from it

when it found me,

certainly wasn't scared of it.

v*olence sometimes suggests

a deeper issue going on

with a child, and the proximity

to professional wrestling

may even normalize it.

It's boys. We handled it at home.

Tell us. We're concerned.

No need for a concern. It's handled.

Thomas understands he can't use

his fists to express himself.

Well, not at school, anyways.

School, their rules.

School rules say you can't

defend yourself that way.

Noted.

There's no need for a deeper dive.

Okay, well, the video evidence

of the incident

might amend your feelings about it.

[JACK] You got any audio evidence?

Audio evidence

would amend your feelings,

because audio evidence would

reveal what provoked Thomas that day.

Thomas broke the boy's nose.

We want to make every effort

to de-escalate the situation.

I-I-It's over.

It's de-escalated. [SCOFFS]

You think this is funny?

No, I don't.

But I was just recalling

when I was in fifth grade here.

A kid named Dave Curley

pulled down Becky Colquit's

pants at recess.

Becky's brother, Todd, stepped up.

He broke Dave's nose,

and then he broke Dave's left arm.

And Dave learned something

that day about bullying.

Now, guess what?

Dave turned into a pretty good guy.

He's working as a social worker

now up in Raleigh.

Thomas is a sensitive boy,

who responded in a way we don't prefer.

Thomas got told to go f*ck himself.

That's bullying.

Thomas taught that bully a life lesson

about using threats and fightin' words.

[PRINCIPAL] There's no such thing

as fighting words, Mr. Spade.

Fighting words escalate

into a school sh**ting,

and you don't want that, do you?

Did you just ask me

if I wanted this to escalate

to a school sh**t'?

I did.

Until Congress legislates an

approved list of fighting words

that justifiably

provoke physical retribution,

we're just gonna draw the line

at no punching,

no kicking, no scratching,

no pulling hair too,

but top on the list is no punching.

Make sense?

Totally. Completely.

Well, mission accomplished.

That was one of

the worst routes ever taken

to accomplish any mission ever.

It's a miracle

we got out of that meetin'

with them agreein'

to let Thomas back in school.

Well, Staci, it's over and done

with, and he's unsuspended,

so what is the deal for tonight?

You gon' drive to Alpharetta,

grab Thomas,

and just come on back,

'cause that's a

That's a lot of driving for one day.

I don't even know what to s

[JACK] Staci, I came to the meetin'.

Me, it's Jack. It's my point of view.

I figure since we were invited

Summoned. We were summoned.

They had the district

school psychologist there.

This wasn't a meetin'

about detention and writin'

"I'm sorry for punching" 200 times.

They think our son might

have mental health issues.

[JACK] They [SIGHS] they're concerned

that the school district's

gonna get sued.

They're just tryin' to cover their ass.

They wanted us to acknowledge

punching as wrong.

How could you not read that?

'Cause punchin' is not always wrong.

Listen, are we supposed to live

according to principle,

or we just supposed to suck it up?

We're supposed to live according

to principle and common sense.

Well, let me know when to use which.

And hey, how-how is it that

I'm here talkin' 'bout Thomas,

and you're clearly

tryin' to talk about me?

No, I'm talkin' about all of us.

This is exactly my point.

I think we're doin' this together,

and then you go rogue,

arguing about fighting words.

No, goin' rogue's fightin' in

the absence of fightin' words.

Those people have master's degrees.

If they think we should

reframe our son's behavior,

maybe we should just listen.

I listened, then I responded.

You talked.

You schooled the school people.

What the hell, man?

You have one gear

lately confrontational.

I was in there defendin' our son,

who did not have mental health issues

[SIGHS] I don't wanna argue.

I just wanna hold your hand

and walk through this life together.

But I [CHUCKLES]

I sure can't imagine anyone observin' us

and thinking,

"Wow, what a great marriage".

But it's what I want.

It's what we deserve, and it's not this.

[SCOFFS]

And I'm not in a hurry to come home

if this is the way

we're gonna treat a

[JACK] Go ahead.

Say something else

about how I'm no longer

the man that you married.

Stop provoking me. I wasn't going

I did what you asked.

I told Ace the truth.

I'm here at this meetin'

listening to those two

f*cking idiots tell us

that our son is a bully,

which is not true.

I conceded the point.

I did not think it true,

but I did for you, for Thomas, for us.

I can play by the rules,

but you're here,

and you're threatenin' me, Staci.

You're threatenin' to stay separated!

No, I am telling you I am so

disoriented and and and unfamiliar

by this way you now seem

to express your unhappiness.

And that it has to change, Jack,

because I can't do it like this.

Well, I don't know

when you got so conditional,

but there it is.

- Don't say it's conditional.

- That's fine. No, it is!

Who the f*ck are you?

It is!

[SIGHS]

And look, may-maybe it should be.

I get I get it.

I'm I'm gonna stop

asking you to come home,

because clearly, I haven't earned it.

♪

Who am I?

I disappeared

the day my dad sh*t himself in the head.

And Daddy's final words to me were,

"Jack, take care of Ace",

and I thought that I was.

I'm a man who's desperate to provide,

who's tryin' to build a home

for all of us.

And, Staci, I'm failin' at all that.

So n so I'm so I'm a man

who doesn't know where his brother is,

and and whose wife and son

have left him

alone in our home.

Now what's that make me?

Who's that make me?

I'm just a dude.

I'm just [SNIFFLES]

I'm just a dude who's tryin'.

♪

And all I'm doin' instead

is I'm f*ckin' everything up.

I'm a disaster.

I don't know

what I have to do

to find the guy that I was before.

I don't know the first thing.

♪

I'ma figure it out.

♪

["HIGH" BY BRITTANY HOWARD]

♪

♪

[BRITTANY] I already feel ♪

Like doing it again ♪

Honey ♪

♪

'Cause once you know ♪

Then you know ♪

And you don't wanna go ♪

Back to wherever it is ♪

That you come from, yeah ♪

♪

I just want to stay high ♪

With you ♪

[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,

- and I'll hit you back.

- [LINE BEEPS]

Ace, hey, listen to me, man.

I don't know how far you went or where,

but I know that

you took your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta do

to get you back here.

You want me to run down Main

Street naked with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

I messed up, but I need you with me,

and I want you to know

that I won't keep on working

to build this thing

until you decide to come back.

You know that you gon' come back,

because you were born to wrestle!

So just reach out, and let's fix this!

[WRESTLER] Okay, okay.

Naked lady walks into a bar.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Poodle under one hand.

[WRESTLER] There's no way, dude.

Ace has gone away, no idea where.

New plan Crystal,

you're gon' be on the card.

Where? I don't know.

But we're gonna throw you

in the deep end.

That way, if you drown,

we will not have wasted any time.

Don't ask me how it ends.

Don't ask me how it begins.

I'm gonna write a promo.

We're gonna sh**t it tonight.

Brew some coffee.

[LAUGHS]

- [SQUEALS]

- [DIEGO SIGHS]

Jesus, the minute

we get some momentum

these f*cking brothers, man.

Now Ace quit? Rooster defected.

Pock's gone AWOL. Bobby's leg's broke.

It's f*cking great.

[BOBBY] Actually,

I'm healing really fast.

Doctor said that I make more

calcium than the average person.

[RICKY] How's that work, exactly?

You got, like, a milk titty in your leg?

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, Jack. [KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Want you to know I'm here

to relieve some pressure, here to help.

Bill, if you're gonna

tell me that I don't know

what the f*ck I'm doing again,

no, thank you.

"You don't know what the f*ck

you're doin'" is not an insult.

It isn't.

Look, you can't be judged on

your ability to do something

if you haven't been

properly taught how

no disrespect to your dad.

Hey, you wanna go where he never went

and where I've been.

Sometimes my turns of phrase misfire.

I own that. I offer an apology.

And I am here to help.

Not to disrupt.

Now, look.

We are, right now,

what we call in the business,

butt-f*cked.

The finish to the title match

gave us a huge pop,

but we booked ourselves into a corner.

We gotta figure out

how to make you whole again

while still pushing Crystal

without emasculatin'

your sausage party of a talent roster.

Look, you can write.

Write.

But I got some ideas

some good ones.

I'd like to share 'em with you.

In this [CHUCKLES]

battered notebook, one of about 100,

there lies the scribbled wisdom

born out of 7,000 nights

in 6,000 motels.

Let's put our heads together

and get this sh*t goin'.

♪

As president

of the Duffy Wrestling League

board of directors,

I called this press conference

to address the recent controversy.

Last week, in an overzealous moment,

our referee erroneously awarded

the title to Bunny Bombshell,

who was not a legal competitor

in the title match,

and therefore, was ineligible to win.

- [CRYSTAL] Huh.

- [EDDIE] 'Scuse me.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- [LAUGHS]

- [EDDIE] This referee

is now suspended without pay,

pending an investigation.

[BOBBY] There's no need.

There's no need.

I'm retiring from reffing.

[EDDIE] Praise the Lord.

[PAUL] Nice passing the heat to the ref.

[KEVIN] Time-tested good sh*t.

Shut the f*ck up, Kevin.

Bill Hancock was incapacitated

during the match

and left unattended,

a grievous oversight

by our entire promotion.

I want to apologize to Mr. Hancock

for our mishandling of your

gastrointestinal complication

and offer you Jack Spade

in a ladder match rematch

for the DWL title.

This is only happenin',

'cause he's threatenin' to sue the DWL!

- [MIC FEEDBACK]

- [WILD BILL] Eddie.

I accept your completely

unmotivated apology.

But if you're looking for who to blame,

look at who might gain through sabotage.

- Jack Spade.

- [CROWD MURMURS]

Ace Spade.

I was poisoned!

And who had better access

than my so-called valet,

Bunny freakin' Bombshell?

A valet that had just come off

workin' with Ace Spade.

Maybe they never stopped

working together.

[JACK] Keep on using them

fightin' words, Bill,

and you're gonna find yourself

in a world of hurt.

You got your money,

and you got your lawyers,

but what you also have

is a mouth writin' checks

that your leaky ass can't cash!

Let's go right now, big Jack!

Please! Leave it for the ring,

where we will all gladly pay to

see you spill one another's blood.

And now, Ms. Bombshell

Whoa, check yourself.

[MIC FEEDBACK]

My name is not Bunny Bombshell

or Tits McGee

or any other cartoon stage name

this hairy, syphilitic sack

of skin tried pinnin' on me.

You will call me Crystal Tyler.

- I am a grown, damn woman.

- [JACK SNICKERING]

Oh, you think it's funny,

Jack Spade, huh?

[JACK] I do.

What's funny was that look on your face

after I kicked your ass

and took your title!

- You wanna go right now?

- I'll do whatever

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Ms. Tyler!

I am impressed by your competitive fire,

but this belt and the title

are gonna be held in abeyance

until Saturday's match

between Jack Spade

and Wild Bill Hancock.

And Ace Spade, you're invited

to return to Duffy

and challenge for the belt again.

If not, your spot'll be taken

by another challenger.

See you all Saturday, 7:30 p.m.,

live from the Duffy Dome.

- [WILLIE] Cut.

- [EDDIE] Good!

- [ALL CHEERING]

- [WRESTLER] Hey, good job.

- [WRESTLER] Nice job.

- [WRESTLER] Very well done!

[EDDIE] Ain't nothin'

without the words, Shakespeare.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪

[EXCITING MUSIC]

♪

Hey. Standing room only.

Field of f*cking Dreams out there.

Promo worked so good.

Merch is moving. Beer is flowing.

We're gonna make some money tonight.

Yeah, they still gotta buy

what we're sellin' in the ring.

Okay, one victory at a time.

You sure about the finish?

Just confirming.

♪

- [PHONE CLICKS]

- [LINE RINGS]

[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,

- and I'll hit you back.

- [LINE BEEPS]

[SIGHS] Hey, if you show up here

in the next ten minutes or so,

just slide in the back,

and I'll fill you in

once we're in the ring.

Otherwise, I'm gon' keep reachin' out,

and I'm gon' keep leavin'

these messages.

♪

I need you back here.

♪

- [PHONE BEEPS, CLICKS]

- [TAPS ON WINDOW]

Let's go.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

♪

[CROWD BOOING]

[CROWD CHANTING] Ace! Ace! Ace!

Ace! Ace! Ace!

[EDDIE] Folks, I'm sorry to say this,

but Ace Spade is a no-show.

[CROWD BOOS]

But you were promised

a triple thr*at ladder match

for the DWL strap, and that's

exactly what you're gonna get.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ace Spade's sudden

and mysterious absence

has provided

the opportunity of a lifetime.

I am makin' an open challenge

to any other man on the DWL roster.

Now, who's it gonna be?

[CRYSTAL] How 'bout a woman?

[CROWD CHEERING]

I got a DWL contract right here,

which means I'm on the roster.

[WILD BILL] No, no, no, no!

And I came here for what's mine

to win back my belt!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[EDDIE] Oh, don't encourage her

now, folks.

She's a spectator

just like yourselves tonight.

Look at this typical male bull crap.

Woman comes in, beats three

men only to have a fourth man

manufacture some technicality

to dismiss her.

They're lookin' at me like,

"Who's this bitch think she is?"

- [CROWD BOOING]

- Shut up!

[CRYSTAL] You guys see that

look on Jack Spade's face?

- [CROWD JEERS]

- Yeah, he don't like a lady

using such language in the DWL,

but you know what?

You're actually right about me, Jack.

My name is Crystal Tyler,

and I am the baddest bitch

the DWL has ever seen!

[CROWD CHEERING]

- [LAUGHS]

- Nice.

I am the real g*dd*mn champ

till one of you has got

the balls to take it from me.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Your job is to hop around

and fetch my robe.

[CROWD OHHS]

So quit twitching your little

bunny tail here and hop on out!

This match is no place for a woman.

[CROWD BOOING]

Crystal Tyler, you want in the match?

- You got it!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

But! But don't you come crying to me

'cause you got bit trying

to play with the big dogs.

[CROWD BOOING]

Ring that bell, Eddie!

- [BELL RINGS]

- I am officially protestin

[CROWD OHHS]

sh*t!

That's a living legend right there!

How dare you!

[EDDIE] All right, folks.

We are under way.

Oh, he's giving her a police escort

right into the turnbuckle there.

[JACK] She don't belong in this ring!

[WILD BILL] Witchcraft!

- Burn her!

- [CROWD BOOING]

[EDDIE] There's just two left

in the dance contest now.

Okay, here we go.

[RICKY] Now this is

some great action here.

[EDDIE] You don't

turn your back on a girl

with that kind of agility, I'll tell ya.

[RICKY] Looks like she's tryin'

to maybe choke him.

[EDDIE] Whoa!

[RICKY] Crystal just lands

on her feet like a housecat.

[EDDIE] Stuck the dismount.

[RICKY] Uh-uh. She means business.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- [CRYSTAL SHOUTS]

- [BOTH] Oh!

Well, that done backfired

on him, didn't it?

[JACK] Ow! Come on!

- [CRYSTAL] Did it hurt?

- [JACK] Yes!

- [CRYSTAL] Yeah?

- [JACK SCREAMS]

[EDDIE] She just keeps slappin'

with her open hand.

I don't understand that.

I would use a rock or a closed fist.

[RICKY] Closed fist is illegal in

professional wrestling, Eddie Earl.

[RICKY] Oh!

[EDDIE] He threw her for distance.

[RICKY] Oh, he's fixin' to end

this girl's career before it starts.

[EDDIE] Oh, she's jumping up

to the top pole.

Appliances. Here she goes.

Oh! That is some kind

of superkick right there.

[RICKY] Every time Jack

takes his eyes off the prize,

Crystal does something fantastic.

- [CRYSTAL GRUNTS]

- [RICKY] Oh!

- Good lord!

- Oh!

[EDDIE] Like a young Nadia Comaneci,

right with an elbow to the face.

[RICKY] For anybody under 75 right now,

he means Simone Biles.

He's working

the outside of the ring here.

- [JACK] Thanks very much.

- [FAN] Hey!

He's stealing a $7-beer.

That's not all right.

Remember, this is a ladder match.

You need to use the ladder

to climb and grab the belt.

[CROWD BOOING]

- [CROWD CHEERING]

- [BOTH LAUGH]

[RICKY] You need the ladder

to win the match,

but it can also be used against you.

Look at her.

She's been to a Home Depot before.

All right, well, he's back in the ring.

He's a little oh.

Little do-si-do there.

[CROWD OHHS]

She didn't plan to land on that elbow.

[RICKY] Hot dog, kids these days

call that a cutter.

It's a Crystal Cutter, Eddie Earl!

[EDDIE] That's a rich country

in the Middle East as well.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[RICKY] All right,

that ladder's twice the size

of that little girl.

[EDDIE] Well, she's gotta

get up to the top floor

and get that belt.

[RICKY] Oh, Crystal's gonna win

this match right here, right now.

[EDDIE] Hold up, Ricky.

Have you ever seen a ladder match

where someone climbed the ladder

with a sense of urgency or alacrity?

- [CROWD OHHS]

- [RICKY] Oh!

He's got a hold of her

an impolite hold of her.

Could be prosecuted in some states.

[RICKY] He's gonna throw her

into the second row.

[EDDIE] Oh, wait!

She's reversed it on him.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh. Oh, she is

[RICKY] Jade Spade might

be in trouble here.

[EDDIE] She is twisting

the life out of his neck.

Like a boa constrictor.

- [ANNIE] Use those thighs!

- [CONSTANCE] Choke him out!

[ANNIE] You got it!

♪

She's locked in a triangle choke.

- He's very much in trouble.

- [CROWD CHANTING]

I would think a lot of men

would want to be in his position.

[RICKY] He's tapping out.

He can't breathe.

He don't wanna be there.

♪

He's out. Jack's unconscious.

[EDDIE] It's all over

but the climbin' now.

[FAN] Come on, Crystal!

[RICKY] When she grabs that belt,

no one can say that

she won on a technicality.

She b*at these men fair and square.

We are all eyewitnesses.

[EDDIE] She's this close

to winning the belt again.

Wait a minute!

He's comin' from the side!

Wild Bill is back.

He has self-released himself.

[CROWD CHANTING]

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

[LADDER RATTLES]

[CROWD GASPS]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

♪

[INAUDIBLE SPEAKING]

[BELL RINGS]

She's made it!

She has won the belt again.

Yeah! Whoo!

[CROWD CHANTING]

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

[EDDIE] It's CrystalMania,

is what it is.

That's what's broken out here.

[RICKY] What a sport. Hey, look it

look at how dejected Jack Spade is.

He's upset.

- [EDDIE] Well, he should be.

- [RICKY] Yeah, absolutely.

[EDDIE] He just lost

to a 101-pound girl.

[CROWD CHANTING]

Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

[WILD BILL]

Great piece of business, Jack.

One hell of a sacrifice for a top guy

to put over

a five-foot-nothing female

and clean, at that.

[JACK] It was the right thing to do.

[BEER CAN OPENS]

[WILD BILL] And judging by those cheers,

it was a good call.

[JACK] Thank you.

You helped put her over too.

"Therefore, Saul took a sword

and fell on it.

And when his armorbearer

saw that Saul was dead,

he also fell on his sword

and d*ed with him".

I'll be fine.

I once lost to Vanilla Ice

and a Ninja Turtle.

- [BOBBY] There she is!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[WILLIE] Way to go, Crystal Tyler.

Willie, I just

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Good job.

Go ahead and grab yourself

a beer or a sh*t,

you know, to celebrate.

♪

[LAUGHTER]

[WILLIE] Oh.

Hey. [LAUGHS]

All righty then.

Hey, a few more shows like that,

and you might actually make some money.

[CHUCKLES] I know.

[BOBBY] This guy did it. He was

- [WRESTLER] This guy.

- [BOBBY] Yeah.

[WRESTLER] This guy! This guy!

[WRESTLER] Hey.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

[CRYSTAL LAUGHS]

♪

[MUFFLED, DISTANT CHATTER]

♪

[JACK] Ace, hey, listen to me, man.

I don't know how far you went or where,

but I know that you took

your Xbox with you.

So just tell me what I gotta

do to get you back here.

Do you want me to run down

Main Street naked

with a pumpkin head?

Done! All right?

- I messed up, but I need you with me.

- [GRUNTS, YELPS]

[JACK] I want you to know that

I'm gon' keep on working

- to build this thing.

- [GRUNTS, GROANS]

- [JACK] Until you decide to come back.

- [SCREAMS]

[JACK] You were born to wrestle!

So just reach out, and let's fix this!

[LINE BEEPS]

Jack, look.

Turns out the DWL

didn't need Ace after all.

Now we got

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERS] CrystalMania!

♪

♪

[GROANING]

["GIMME SHELTER" BY THE ROLLING STONES]

♪

[SINGER] Ooh, yeah ♪

[GROANING, PANTING]

♪

Help?

[ECHOING] Can anyone hear me?

Help!

Help!

♪

[JAGGER] Mad bull lost its way ♪

w*r, children, yeah ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

w*r, children, yeah ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

[SINGER] Yeah ♪

♪

[JAGGER] Yeah ♪

w*r, children ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

It's just a sh*t away ♪

[JAGGER] I tell you love, sister ♪

It's just a kiss away ♪

It's just a kiss away ♪

It's just a kiss away ♪

It's just a kiss away ♪

It's just a kiss away ♪

Kiss away, kiss away ♪