Single file.
Stay to the right
of the line.
Take your time.
Take a good look.
Hey, um, are you sure
they can't see us?
One-way mirror,
ma'am.
Picture,
in 3...2...1.
girls hit back
when you least expect
where you most regret it
girls think
they're misunderstood
but I know goddamned well
all the things they do
they do to nerve me
I don't mean to say it
but somebody needs
to put an end to girls
wish I didn't need them
a heinous crime
has been committed here.
Should you decide
that your testimony
might jeopardize
your personal safety--
look, sipowicz,
i said I'd tell you
everything.
I was just hoping
we could finish this up
before menopause kicks in.
Let's start with the one
that thinks her butt
don't stink...
Diane Weston.
She's like
a damn poster child
for high school.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, these are
the best days of your life.
So far.
She's the "a" squad captain.
She stole that title
from me.
You should charge her
with that.
Alright, let's
take it from the top.
And one, and two,
and one, and two...
One, and two--
Hi, Bruce.
You look cute.
Tommy Hilfiger.
I'm hoping
4th year's the charm.
Heh.
Outta my way, Bruce.
I'm up.
Lisa...
is that you?
I lost
a little weight.
Wow.
This really should've
been my year.
I had a lot of work done.
I mean, I had done a lot
of work over the summer.
You could tell
i made her nervous.
But they have to,
you know, spread
the talent around, so...
I've been on the "b" squad
for 4 years.
Now, the squad
as a whole...
They're closer
than Carolina cousins.
I mean, some people say
they're like cousins
or something,
but that's just mostly
the egg-offs in band.
Truth is
they're so close
they all get
their monthly visit
from aunt Rose
at the same time.
This one's Hannah wald.
She's like
this uberchristian,
doesn't really say much.
In fact, if she wasn't
kind of pretty,
you'd go,
"hey, who's the tart?"
Then there's Cleo Miller.
Number one: not a real C-cup.
I've been
in the locker room.
And number 2...
She has to see
the school shrink.
She's completely
obsessed
with Conan O'Brien.
Dreams?
You mean like where I'm
in Conan's all-leather apartment?
Heh. I mean,
i don't know if he has one,
but that's why it's a dream.
And suddenly, we're
buck-naked and all oiled up.
I don't know
where the oil comes from,
but, again,
that's why it's a dream.
Then there's Kansas Hill,
the original bad seed.
Son of a blue-balled bitch,
I always get this one!
Mouth on her
could stop a bull in heat.
She gets her nut brain
from her mother.
Kansas' mom's been in prison
ever since
the day she was born.
She was just lying there,
in labor with Kansas,
when she hears something
going on in the next bed.
Turns out
it's Kansas's dad
taking a nurse's
temperature.
Stay with me.
I'm trying to be delicate.
Anyway, she whips out
a shotgun
and blows his ass
to kingdom come.
So, she got life
without parole
and now Kansas lives
with her grandparents.
And then there's Lucy.
Geek extraordinaire.
A walking left brain.
She's supposed to have
this genius IQ,
but the truth is
she's an obsessive-compulsive
little freak.
Ok, hands in,
ladies.
Today,
we're gonna cheer loud,
jump high,
and look pretty because...
cheerleaders kick...
Let's get going,
'cause no one ever got ahead
by sitting on their behind.
oh, yeah
School year
started off like normal.
Principal Smith
gave his pep talk.
If you are
approached to buy dr*gs,
let someone
you trust know.
If you are thinking
of harming yourself,
or others...
Let someone know.
If it burns
when you urinate,
have milky seepage,
or are being touched
by an uncle,
let someone know.
Uhh.
Come on, you guys!
Let's hear it
for the Lincoln "a" squad!
"A" squad? Right.
I was doing better
dance numbers in grade school.
It really b*rned my toast.
Now, I know it's my duty
to give you all the facts.
So I'm gonna have to say
that their cheer blew
like a bulimic
after Christmas dinner.
Their blatant disregard
for The National High School
Cheerleading Association rules
made me sick.
Basket toss flips
and woolfall pyramids
over 2 people high
are strictly prohibited.
Yeah!
I made a complete report
and sent it in.
Hey!
Go, Lincoln!
Hey!
Go, Lincoln!
Hey...go...lincoln!
And, finally,
the moment we'd all
been waiting for...
transferring
from Truman High,
the new star quarterback
of our
mighty fightin' lincolns,
Jack Bartlett!
That's when
Jack and Diane met.
Nobody saw it coming...
Especially not Jack.
Pffft!
ha ha ha ha!
Jack was fine.
Oh, man, was he fine.
It was like
he was a bar of chocolate
and the whole school
was on the rag.
Everyone wanted
a piece of him.
Jack Bartlett.
Jack Bart-lett.
Jack Bartlett.
Is Jack Bartlett
interested in me?
I'm sorry,
can someone else
please run the board?
It's creepy, it's wrong,
and it goes against the teachings
of my lord and savior,
Jesus Christ.
Hannah, in order to get
real answers from netherworld,
you've got to have
a Christian virgin run the board.
Your kind is pure. The devil
won't mess with you.
Well, uh, technically,
I don't think I'm
a virgin anymore.
What!
At church camp this summer,
I'm pretty sure I had,
you know,
my first orgasm.
Any sentence that starts with,
"at church camp..."
Ain't leading
to the big "O".
That's not true.
Those pictures of Christ,
all sweaty and bare-chested
on the cross,
always kinda made me hot.
I wanna know
what happened.
Ok, well, one night
around sunset,
I went horseback riding
with the nuns.
They went every night.
And we're trotting
pretty hard, you know?
All of a sudden,
i feel--
I feel just super-alive,
you know?
Maybe I'll just ask
the question myself.
Is Jack Bartlett
interested in me?
Hee.
He is.
Hey, man,
is this thing, like, on?
Ok, I'm just here
to announce my candidacy
for the homecoming queen.
Uh, I plan
to spread the word on 4-h.
It's all about
the cows, man...
I'll be honest with you--
most of us realized
we didn't have a whore's
chance in heaven with Jack,
the day of
the candidate speeches.
Youth...
And agriculture.
4-h! 4-h rules!
Thank you, sir.
Good job.
Um, as--as the a-v club
candidate--
I think, for the--
for the first time in 50 years--
uh, we should--
we should say no.
We should say no to
a football player as king.
Vote brains over brawn--
ha ha ha!
Aw.
Woo!
It was the first time
most of us
even heard Jack speak.
Thanks, wow,
heh heh.
We weren't
disappointed.
Ok, guys.
Hey, guys...
Would you shut up
a minute?
I was just joking.
Well, uh, I just think
it really rocks
that the football team
picked me as their
you know, um, candidate.
Woof, woof, woof!
Yeah!
We love you, Jack!
Well, I love you, too,
lunch ladies.
I just wanna say that there's
only 3 things I want in life--
To someday become a senator
of this great state...
I wanna lead
the mighty fightin' lincolns
to victory
at the homecoming game.
Alright!
Ow!
And, uh, I want to go
to the homecoming dance
with Diane Weston.
Ha ha ha.
Ugh, they were like
friggin' Barbie and Ken,
but without the pink,
remote-control corvette.
Overnight,
people were going, like...
Ohh, they're
the perfect couple.
They're so cute.
I'm sure it gave
the Internet whacks
something to talk about
besides agent Scully
and their most recent
wet dream.
Now, I'm not one
to gossip...
But I think Jack and Diane
got so close, so fast,
because they discovered
how much they both loved...
Football.
Man, did they love
their football.
Hey, ho, let's go!
Hey, ho...
I don't know about the "hey,"
but "ho" is right on the money.
If they'd asked,
I easily could've helped
them with some new material.
Green 88! Green 88!
Set, hut.
hey, ho
let's go
hey, ho
let's go
woo-hoo!
I...love...you.
I...love...you.
Woo! woo, yeah!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby.
Oof!
hey, ho, let's go
Right about here
is where it really
started to hit the fan.
Don't worry,
I'll clean this up a bit
if I have to appear
in court.
Especially if we're on court TV.
Excuse me, Vendela,
have you seen Diane?
Because we were supposed to go
to the homecoming dance tonight.
Oh.
Mmm.
Oh, baby.
Mmm. oh!
Oh! oh!
Aw, look at this.
Oh, my, look at that.
Look at those two.
Alright. Hold up.
I have an announcement to make.
Me and Diane, uh...
Oh, what the hey?
We're getting married.
No! yes!
Ha ha ha!
But, well...
Not before
I have our baby.
Aaah!
So, when your dad said,
"I never want to see
your f-ing faces again,"
do you think he meant
"forever" forever
or just until
your mom wakes up?
I don't know.
What was that sound
she made
right before
she hit the ground?
Well, if I had to guess,
I'd say that was
the sound of a mother
saying good-bye
to her little boy
and hello
to the young man
who's going to be
a daddy of his own.
Jack...do you know
what I see here?
Spit from your dad?
Heh. I see a flower.
And you know, even the most beautiful flowers
still grow from dirt.
Yeah.
And while we're knee-deep
in it right now
and things may seem
pretty stinky,
in the long run we're
gonna grow strong from this.
You think?
I sure do.
Diane...
I-I've loved you
since I first saw you.
Right before you
kicked me in the head.
Oh, Jack.
you can be happy
when everyone's singing
it's so fun
just try
to remember...
Now... I don't think
Diane just up and told the squad
about the baby that night,
but somehow they managed
to figure it out.
No, thanks.
Don't need one.
So?
Holy smoke.
You just became
a statistic.
Oh, my god.
I'm not the first.
But--but you're
not married.
Wait, did you say you are pregnant
or you were pregnant?
You had it,
threw it out,
now you're gonna
dance all night?
Shut up, Cleo.
Di, how much you need
for an abortion?
What?! No.
Not an abortion.
My church can arrange
for you to go to Oregon
and take care of an aunt for 9 months.
They find your baby a home,
you come back a little
dazed and puffy
but everything's fine.
Please, Di, don't be a whore
and a m*rder*r.
Jack told the team that night, too.
Hey, guys, I, uh...
I got Diane pregnant.
What?
Well, alright!
You nailed Diane Weston?
Ha! I'd never wash
my Johnson again.
Hey.
Yeah.
Ha-hoo!
I didn't mean to
say "whore," Diane.
Just that I hear it
so much at church
it kind of came
flying out of my head.
I know, Hannah.
Look...I'm not gonna
get an abortion.
I've always planned
on getting married
and having kids.
I'm just going
a little out of order.
Kind of reminds me
of another young lady
who found herself
with child, unmarried...
On a long, long road...
With no place to sleep.
Of course, that was
a long, long time ago.
But no matter what,
she held her head high
and said,
"papa, don't preach.
"I'm in trouble deep.
"Papa, don't preach,
"'cause I made up my mind.
"I'm keepin' my baby.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep
my baby."
The great one.
Madonna.
We're here
for you, Diane.
You guys...
Thanks. oh...
I'll pray for you
every night.
We love you.
I love you guys.
You're the best.
I guess their little fairy tale
could've ended there.
The only problem was they
didn't have a place to live.
What? But all of
our paperwork's here.
My school records
and Jack's
football records.
Let me explain
something...
No, wait--
did I say...
"Cross my heart,
hope to die"
that we will never miss
a payment?
Uh, yes.
Yes, you did.
I think I know where
this one's going.
Um, listen...
I'm willing to put up
my papers on my gto.
Now, she's got a few miles on her,
but she looks great.
I'm sure, son,
but, um...
Oh, ow!
She's twisting
my arm.
I'm gonna throw in
the speakers, too.
Why don't you just have
your parents come and get the loan
and then they can
give you the money?
With all
due respect, ma'am,
Jack and Diane Bartlett...
Do not accept charity.
We are 2 young,
able-bodied Americans.
We're not looking for a handout
we're looking for a hand up.
Give us food,
and we'll be hungry tomorrow
but give us corn--
the kind you plant,
not eat--
and we'll grow it
and uh, um...Cut it,
and, uh...
You know, eat it.
Hmm.
Now, if you're interested
in giving us a home loan,
I will sit back down.
If not,
have a nice day, ma'am.
Sorry.
My hands are tied.
Oh!
Whew.
Somehow, they managed to find
their dream house anyway.
More of a dump, if you ask me.
We'll take it.
Fine. settle down, ok?
Just keep in mind--
I manage the building, ok?
I don't own it and don't fix squat.
And I also don't care
if things break, ok?
All I care is
you little bastards
shove the rent under my door
on the first, you got that?
You understand that?
Ok. oh, yeah,
and one more thing.
You see any packages
outside my door,
you leave 'em
the hell alone. Capisce?
Ugh...
2 taco grr-rrandes!
One bean burr-rrito.
A large taco chip.
And guacamole.
And that'll be...
35 cents.
We don't really have
fried rats in the buckets.
I know. I checked.
I'm gonna save you the time.
I'm not gonna lie.
Don't believe in it.
If you pick your ass,
I'm gonna tell people.
Have no idea
how to run your register.
You're Jack Bartlett, right?
Yeah.
So, you'd be, like,
hanging out with us
every night after school,
then, right?
Yeah. well, I mean, after
football practice, yeah.
Football practice?
Fantasmic.
You're so hired.
I'm on top
of the world!
Errr!
Hey, Di, if we have a girl,
we should dress her
like little Debbie.
Jack, honey,
I'm only eating for two.
I know, but this food
reminds me
how much I wanna
teach our baby,
like cocoa puffs is good,
captain crunch is bad.
It shreds the roof
of your mouth.
You're not born
with knowledge.
You hear
"Trix are for kids."
You think, "I'm a kid,
i guess they're for me."
But your little
baby brain's got no idea
that lucky charms are
a million times better for you.
Jack?
Hey. Pop quiz.
If you could be Count Chocula
or Trix the Rabbit,
who would you be?
Uh...Trix.
Me, too. God!
Will it never end?
I love this lady!
Ah!
Jack, I think
i should get a job.
No, but we agreed your
job's running the baby machine.
I know, but that
was before I realized--
Oh... I almost forgot gas
for the baby machine.
I'm gonna get your snickers
and meet you in line, ok?
Mmm. I love you.
Love you.
Attention, Bob.
Cleanup on aisle 3.
Hey, Di!
Hi, I'm a little
professor!
Wouldn't it be cute
if ours looked like this?
Yeah, you little
marsh--uh!
Honey!
Oh, I am really sorry.
Jack...
I never knew you
dreamed of working
in a grocery store
bank branch.
Baby, we are living
the great American dream.
Mm-hmm.
If you reach
for the stars,
you're bound to step--
mm! Jack, pull over.
Mm. pull over.
Oh, jeez! Ew!
Why do they call it
morning sickness?
It's ok.
Get it all out.
Have any breath mints?
Oh...
So, she's in my hands, right?
Warm to the touch.
Now, it's at that second
that I think I control her--
she's mine.
But it's a false illusion.
You know, it's like
in that movie Backdraft.
"No man controls fire."
So, she's ready.
I'm ready. Heh.
She's ready.
I yell...
"42-58. Hike!"
Baa! Touchdown.
ready to go
where were we?
ready to go
I need a place
to keep this.
So if anyone asks,
what do you know?
That's right.
You don't know squat.
it's a cr*ck, I'm back
yeah, I'm standing
on rooftops...
baby, I'm ready to go
I'm back
and ready to go
from the rooftops,
shout it out
it's a cr*ck, I'm back
yeah, I'm standing
on the rooftops having it
baby, I'm ready to go
I'm back and ready to go
from the rooftops,
shout it out
baby, I'm ready to go
Come on, Jack, you promised.
Ok.
One question.
Oh, me, me, me!
Mine's great.
Proceed, dungeon master Quon.
Ok, Jack.
You know how you
and Diane slept together?
Yeah.
Well, now that you can't
sleep together
but you still
sleep together,
don't you ever get just,
like, super horny?
And if so, how horny?
I'll be quiet now so
I can listen to your answer.
Yeah, Jack.
I'd love to hear
your answer.
The answer's easy.
Oh, uh...
Lolita is due back tomorrow.
Same for 9 1/2 weeks
and ditto on Wild Things.
Guys...I'm going
to be a dad.
Dads don't get horny.
To the kids at school,
Jack and Diane had it all.
Their own apartment,
staying up late,
eating whatever they wanted,
plus Jack was getting
a discount
on R-rated movies
at the video store.
Hello? reality check.
School, practice, work,
and lamaze class?
It was really starting
to take its toll.
2, 4, 6, 8...
Fighting Lincolns on to state!
Fight!
Lincoln! Fight!
Blue 42! Blue 42!
Hike!
OK, so they won state.
B.f.d.
The best part was
Diane was really starting
to look like hell.
Diane?
Diane!
Huh? what?
I'm under the ice!
I'm under the ice!
Huh?
Oh, man, that was a weird one.
Another sex dream?
Wayne Gretzky.
Hat trick?
He is the great one.
Heh heh.
Oh, my god.
You've been robbed.
No, I've been
pregnant.
Di, are you ok?
We can skip the girl party this week.
Everything's fine.
I'm just having
a little trouble
turning my frown
upside down.
Want us to help
you pick up?
Don't Martha
freaking Stewart me.
You don't like it,
you try being a pregnant teen.
Brendon!
go with them.
They're in the vault,
man. Go! Go!
Who's Mr. Duggan?
Mr. Duggan.
You want to open
the vault?
Or do you want me to do it?
Do whatever they want, Terry.
Oh.
Take the keys.
Take them!
I'm confused.
Pappas knew the bank robbers were surfers
because he saw a tan line?
Luce, it's Point Break.
Just shut up and look at Keanu.
Di, what would you do
if you were in a holdup?
Well...
I guess I...
I'd give them all the money they could hold
and wish them a good life.
Because the Beatles
were wrong.
Love isn't
all you need.
Love won't
pay the rent,
love won't buy
my baby diapers,
love sure as hell
won't buy me
my new Dolce
& Gabbana jeans
when I lose
my baby weight.
Pretty soon
we'll be broke,
and I'll just be another
fat-ass wearing chic jeans.
Ok, put the snickers down.
Come kick it over here.
Wait a minute!
Freeze that! Freeze that!
... Too much time!
Yeah. Can you imagine?
Conan's head
on Keanu's body?
Unstoppable.
No! that's it!
A bank robbery.
A big pile of money,
and my little family-to-be
could get our heads
above water.
I read about this.
It's called
pregnancy insanity.
Look, I might be moody...
I might be gassy...
But I am perfectly sane.
Think about it.
In school they tell us
dreams can come true. Right?
Right.
Right.
But they don't
tell us how.
Thanks to Keanu,
I've figured it out.
Money makes
your dreams come true.
Listen, Kansas,
I know you dream of
springing your mom someday.
Stop, you're gonna
make me cry.
If the O.J. Trial
taught us anything,
it taught us, in America,
you can cut somebody's head off
and still be found innocent...
As long as
you have enough money.
Well, your mom
only sh*t a guy.
And Cleo?
I know you dream
of an all-leather apartment
with Conan.
I overheard the school shrink
telling the lunch lady.
Oh.
Hannah, you could give
your share to the church,
or maybe buy one of
those starving kids
that Sally struthers
advertises.
Or I could buy
my own horse.
Or that.
Guys, I just wanna provide
a future for my baby.
I know my bank branch
like the back of
my puffy little hand.
I could open that safe
in my sleep.
I'm in.
Yes!
What?
I'm in. This is
the closest thing
to a damn family
I've ever had.
If one needs something,
we all do.
Stop it!
This is crazy.
I'm in, too.
Cleo!
Kansas is right.
We're like sisters,
closer than sisters
and you don't turn
your back on family.
Come on, luce.
People do it
in the movies all the time.
And they get caught.
That's right.
So all we have to do
is watch a bunch of movies
and learn from their mistakes.
You know, real cops
aren't half as smart as Keanu.
Forget it. I've got
a scholarship to Harvard
hanging over my head.
I won't risk it.
Conan went to Harvard.
Shh.
Lucy, are you sure you
have that scholarship?
No.
If you don't, can you
afford to go to Harvard?
I don't know,
probably not.
So then this isn't
crazy, is it?
It's a sure bet.
Well...
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Please?
I guess we're all
in this together.
But...but!
We have to make
a smart plan.
Of course. Of course.
Ok, hands in.
Alright. we have
to cross our hearts,
hope to die,
stick a dirty needle
in our eye,
that we will never,
ever, tell Jack.
We all know
he can't tell a lie.
That's why he's gonna make
such a great senator.
Cheerleaders kick...
We have 2 very cool guests,
I'm gonna start with
something I read in the paper.
It involves sex.
You hear me?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, don't worry. Not with me.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
I don't wanna be a boy,
i wanna be a girl
I wanna do things
that'll make your hair curl
I wanna be evil,
i wanna be bad
I wanna drive
my next-door neighbors mad
I want to go wild,
want to go wild
I want to party
yeah
'cause we've got girl power
The movie was
so amazing.
He slices off
the guy's ear,
and you see everything.
The bloody pink hole--
Cleo, I already
threw up twice today.
Can you get to any
relevant part of the movie?
They had nicknames,
like Mr. Pink.
I was thinking, Di,
you could be Mrs. Pink.
Could I be Mrs. Purple?
And I could be Mrs. Red
This is so exciting.
Di, how can you eat all that?
She's eating for two.
Jinx.
Ahem.
Page one is
a plot summary of Heat.
2 has my character
summaries,
3 is my overall critique,
and on 4 through 10
you'll find my nexis search
of all prior analysis
of this film.
In summation,
no part of Heat
is really applicable
to a grocery store
bank branch robbery.
What the heck
is going on here?
Mmm. Jack.
I can explain.
Diane, there's no excuse...
For not taking
your prenatal vitamins.
I love you.
I love you.
Uh....Cleo?
Mm-hmm?
Would you just
say my name?
Ted.
Well, it's a laugh riot
for the whole family,
and Tim Conway is just about
as funny as they come,
especially in
the scene where--
wait a minute.
You watched the apple friggin' dumpling g*ng?
I'm only allowed
"g" movies.
Am I the only one
who cares about this?
I mean, at least I
watched Dog Day Afternoon.
Excuse me.
Could you try to keep
your voice down, please?
We're not introducing
anger into the womb.
How would you like me to
introduce my foot into your ass?!
Kansas!
I'm sorry,
Diane...
But I'm not gonna watch
my dreams fade away
because the virgin here thinks
she can get ideas from kiddie movies.
Those of us
who have parents
know they have rules
because they care.
Ooh.
Are you sure you
wanna go there?
Um...
Maybe.
Ow!
You guys!
How do you like that?
Diane Weston?
Kansas, quit it!
Ow!
Here.
God, we're sorry.
It's off.
I can't take
the fighting,
the backstabbing,
the open hostility.
We're not acting
like cheerleaders.
We're acting like
a bunch of sorority girls.
I'm sorry
i ever started this.
Di, it's not
your fault.
We all wanted
to do this.
Look...
Maybe I can watch
a pg movie.
I'll just say I'm...
Counting dirty words
for Sunday school.
It's ok, Hannah.
It was silly
to think we can learn
to rob a bank
from watching movies.
Sex, you can learn
from movies.
But robberies?
Forget about it.
Besides, TV land had a Little
house on the prairie marathon,
and the Ingalls made
baby Carrie's bed from a dresser drawer.
I guess
i could just do that.
Oh, my god!
The baby's got 2 heads.
It's twins!
I'm not just super fat!
Oh, ok, we ain't
done with this.
Those babies are gonna have
a good start in life.
With a real crib--
one that costs a truckload.
We gonna learn to Rob
by the only people who
really know how to--
criminals.
I'm gonna visit
my mom.
Attention all inmates,
visiting hours will be over
in 20 minutes.
You don't look nothing
like your picture.
Grandma and grandpa
sent you a picture
of a neighbor girl.
They didn't want you
to break out and come kidnap me.
Thank god.
I was starting to think
i k*lled the wrong man.
What did you
come here for?
To tell me how
much you hate me?
I don't hate you.
I need your help.
How in the hell
can I help you?
My best friend
got pregnant.
Before you?
Whoo-hoo.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I said, too.
Anyway, we wanna help
her get some money for the baby
by robbing a bank.
Well, sh**t,
Kansas.
That's the sweetest thing
i ever heard.
But we can't quite figure out how to...
You know, how to do it.
So you need my help?
Oh, my god. This is like you
asking me for help with your homework.
Hey, mink.
Come here.
Kansas, I want you to
meet someone special.
Cryin' out loud, mom.
Like my life ain't bad
enough 'cause you're in here.
Now I've gotta add "p.S.
My mom's a gay," too?
Shut up, you mouthy little twit.
Don't "mouthy twit" me.
I'm outta here.
Hey, wait. Sit down.
Now, I'm sorry.
Mama's a little
overamped...
Didn't get her yard time
this morning.
Mink ain't my bitch,
if that's what you think.
She's a specialist...
In banks.
Them's some sweet skirts
you got there.
Oh, thank you!
Actually,
they're uniforms.
We're cheerleaders.
Mm-hmm.
You sure are.
Excuse me.
Alright,
same time tomorrow,
we have a visit with
our favorite aunts.
Listen, robbing banks
is like pulling a trick.
You gotta stay
in control,
know how far you'll go
to get the dough,
and always put
the rubber on yourself.
Oh, pfft!
You know what I mean.
And you gotta do it
the day after Christmas.
Why?
Banks don't have holiday
pickups, so vaults are full.
Besides, everyone's
at home eatin' leftovers
and beatin' their kids.
Really? You were
cellmates with her?
Oh, my god.
She was my hero!
Did she tell you what
letterman's house was like?
You gotta buy your gats
from the Terminator.
Tell him itchy sent you.
And gats are?
g*ns, cutie.
You listen to Carol,
pussycat.
Go rent national velvet.
It's got some awesome
steeplechases in it.
I'm gonna write
that down.
So, although
their father said,
"don't get outta
the car
till I get back
with help,"
they knew the sheriff's
voice when he yelled,
"run to my voice!
And don't look back!"
The twins did
as he said,
but at the very
last second,
they turned around and saw
the escaped mental patient
bouncing their father's head
on top of the car.
Aah!
They jumped!
That's just gas, sweetie.
Oh...
What are you working on?
Just some girly stuff
for the squad.
Bzzz!
Well, whoever
gets out alive,
have the authorities check
in the crawl space.
Kansas, you should never
judge a book by its cover.
I guess there's
an exception to every rule.
Could I help you?
You're the Terminator?
Did you come in here
to bust my balls?
Huh?
Well, I k*ll bugs
for a living.
If god doesn't
b*at you to it.
No, wait, um...
We're the "a" squad from
Lincoln high school.
So, uh...
So, we were told
you could fix us up.
Fix you up?
Really?
Yeah.
Itchy sent us.
She did, did she?
How is the old girl?
Definitely old.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, that's my Itchy.
How many?
Uh...
Um, well, we'll each
probably want one, so...
we'll take 5.
5 should do it.
All right.
And, uh, how much a*mo
do you want?
a*mo?
How many b*ll*ts
do you need?
Oh, b*ll*ts.
No b*ll*ts.
These are just
to scare people.
Kinda like a round-off back
handspring whipback double full.
You never really use it.
You just want the opposing squad
to know you've got it.
Ok.
$1,500 cash.
What?
You good-for-nothing
bug zapper!
Obviously that's a little more
than our budget will allow.
Um, basically, we're looking
for something around $200.
Oh, well,
why didn't you say so?
For 200, I got some
real nice rubber bands
and some sharp nails
in the back.
I got 5 of them.
They come in pastel colors.
Why don't you wait right here
and let me go gift-wrap it for you.
They are 1,500,
cash on the barrel.
You take it
or you leave it.
What kinda deal would ya make if
i told we're gonna tell police
that you're selling illegal g*ns...
To minors?
To girl minors!
Then I'd just
have to k*ll you.
Ok, well...
It was a pleasure
meeting you.
Take care.
Let's go, you guys.
Hold it right there.
Oh, please.
We're not going
to tell anyone.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Look, buddy,
we're not gonna
trade sex for g*ns.
Unless Cleo...
Kansas!
I got a daughter.
And she's always dreamt
of being a cheerleader.
Aw.
Tell you what I'll do.
If you put her
on your squad,
and I mean put her
on the squad--
don't make her haul
your pompoms--
you give her
something to do.
Then I'll give you
the g*ns.
You're kidding.
Hey, Fern!
Fern, come here!
She's out siphoning off
the tanks.
It takes a second to
cap off that cyanide hose.
Honey?
There she is.
Here's my baby.
Fern, meet your
new best friends.
We'll be right back.
Don't you take too long.
Let's do breathing
exercises, shall we?
Is Jack upset that
he can't be here?
We worked it out.
You're doing good,
sweetie.
Let's remember
our focal point.
Ok, don't stop now. Come on,
we're gonna make it, baby.
What a sad waste of man.
Ok, even with
all our savings,
it's still
only 654.
That's it?
Hey, I even took my
parents'foster kid money.
Philippe's going
to be gathering rice
without pants
this month.
Ok, wait a second.
Hold on.
Now, what do we do
before a big game?
Use the bathroom 'cause
the port-a-potties on the field
are gross.
My fault. What do we do that
enables us
to be as great as we are?
I personally think of how
Conan started as a writer, and then--
we practice.
That's right.
Practice makes perfect.
I'm practicing
to have a baby right now.
If we do a practice job,
we'll not only
get the experience,
we'll also get money
we need for the g*ns.
I've got the perfect job,
and I've gotta pee,
so help me up.
Hello. how many
would you like?
Hi.
Hello. how many?
2, please.
Oops!
Oh!
Oh, please,
help me with her!
What the kinda food
are they serving us
if they can turn
a profit on 200 bucks?
watch her now
watch her now
walking away
walking away
nothing to say
she's just leaving
what did I do?
oh!
Uh, Fern?
Yeah?
No more filling the tanks
before practice, ok?
Ok.
Ok, let's get going.
My grandparents get back
from dinner at 4:30.
Ready?
Ok!
What the hell--
oh, no!
He Ikea'd us.
How many signs
do we need?
We're not supposed
to do this.
Look, maybe Lucy is right.
Maybe this is a sign.
Kansas?
That you down there?
Yeah, grandma.
Me and the squad.
You girls
talking about boys?
Practicing kissing
your hand?
Yeah, you caught us.
Oh, well,
then I'll put some cookies
at the top of the stairs
for you girls.
Thanks,
that'd be great.
This is great.
What do we do?
thr*aten people with
a trunkful of parts?
I'm sorry, you guys.
When you're dealing with
south American rebels,
you kinda gotta take
what you can get.
It's a trunkful of crap.
Do you guys know
what I don't see here?
What?
I don't see a problem.
I see a great,
big craft project
sitting right
in front of me.
So, Kansas,
get me some glue,
some tape,
and a nail file.
so it's you
at my door
she is huge
she wore a taller
man's height or more
if it fails me
then it's love for sure
'cause I'm here
'cause I wanna be,
and I gotta be
and I'll stay
'cause I wanna stay
every day with you
she's so cool
she's so cool
Meanwhile, the most
important event of my life
was about to take place.
Please join our "a" and "b"
squad cheerleaders
in a salute
to winter sports!
The winter sports
pep rally is only, like,
the biggest cheerleading
event of the year.
I'd been practicing
for months.
This was my big chance
to show the whole school
that I really belonged
on the "a" squad.
I just want to say,
that normally,
I'm an excellent skater.
Some jealous--
who will remain nameless,
obviously sabotaged
my skates.
I was completely humiliated
in front of
the entire student body.
Talk about adding
insult to injury...
At the last minute,
Diane finagled putting
that backwater, mutant
monkey girl on top of the pyramid!
No way!
It ruined the entire finale.
Ask anybody!
Conan O'Brien...
Conan O'Brien...
Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien...
Come on, Cleo.
We're not gonna waste
this week's question
to the netherworld on Conan.
Who made up the
one-question-a-week rule anyway?
It's in the Bible,
so just shut up.
Ok, ok. Here goes...
Is the day
after Christmas
the best day
for the heist?
Ah...yes!
Girls, numerology
confirms it, too. Look!
So does
Soldier of Fortune.
"A great day to go
balls out on the offensive."
Then it's time
for my mom's present.
"Be careful. Have fun.
Ski masks are so done.
"Wear these masks
to fight the power
and never bend over
in the shower."
Hey, Diane, you can be
mood-swing Betty.
Hannah,
you're virgin Betty
with optional
horse and saddle.
And, Fern,
you can be--
Oh, god,
we forgot Fern.
Oh, it's ok.
Mom and the girls
got them for the heist.
It's nothing personal.
Hey, I got to cheer
with you guys.
I'm happier than
a make-a-wish kid at Disneyland.
Well, we'll all
sign your yearbook.
Here, take mine.
Look, I didn't know
how to tell you guys,
but I got
my scholarship.
I can't go
through with this.
But we went
hands in on this.
You're breaking The National High School
Cheerleading Association's
pledge of allegiance
and conformity.
I'll turn in my pompoms
after Christmas.
You know, you guys are
insane if you don't think
those criminals would gladly
turn you in for a pack of lucky's.
Oh, yeah!
Well, unlike you, those criminals
take an oath,
and they stick with it.
You don't mess
with another inmate,
and you never mess
with her kid.
I'm sorry, Diane.
I could take
Lucy's place.
You can be
Terminator Betty.
Fight the power!
merry, merry Christmas
merry Christmas
merry, merry Christmas
1, 2, 3!
Oh, god!
Oh, honey...
Next Christmas,
I'm putting
a diamond in it.
I don't know
what to say.
Well,
say you love me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, god, here's mine.
It's lame. It's not
romantic or anything.
No, no, no, shh.
I'm gonna love it.
Ah! a gift certificate...
For a new paint job
on the gto.
Yeah, I was thinking
that you'd wanna
change the color
after Christmas.
Wow.
You like it?
I sold the car
to buy you that ring.
You're kidding?
No! heh heh.
We don't have a car.
No.
Oh! oh, sweetie.
Sweetie...
Kansas,
listen to me.
Jack sold
our getaway car.
It's a gosh damn
gift of the magi thing.
Oops, mommy's sorry,
sweet peas.
Swearing is
the surest way to--
Oh, sh**t!
Mommy needs
a getaway car.
Jump in!
We can't stop!
The brakes are bad!
Come on, Kansas,
Hurry!
Fern, you've got
to slow down.
Lord, please don't let us
run over Kansas.
Help!
Get in! Quick!
The brakes
are broken.
Kansas!
Oh, my god!
Uh, anyone bring
an extra pair of panties?
spitting
in a wishing well
blown to hell, crash
on the last splash...
who are you?
The friggin'
bionic woman?
I just pulled it,
and it came off.
This is great.
Now we have to enter through the front door.
Look, it's not my fault.
Hey! god,
rule number 1--
you never take off
the mask, you hear me?
No matter what happens,
you never take off the mask.
I'm sorry, Kansas.
Oh! god, no.
Rule number 2--
no names.
No names,
you ret*rd!
For Pete's sake,
white trash Betty.
I didn't realize
the rules went into effect
before we entered
the supermarket.
Well, use your head,
stalker Betty.
Nyah!
Bettys, stop it.
"The best squad is one
that hopes for the best
and prepares for the worst."
National high school
cheerleading
association letterhead.
Now, let's give a hands in.
We're ready, we're prepared,
this is gonna be
the best bank robbery ever,
because...
cheerleaders kick...
Shh! it's me.
Lucy?
What do you want?
I want to help.
I'm a part of this squad.
Oh, no.
You have committed
the ultimate sin.
You left your squad
to be with a guy.
And that guy is
the devil himself,
because only the devil would
turn you against your sisters.
Let's go.
What's this?
Get on the ground now!
We got tape.
Don't worry.
I said down!
Ok, uh. Hello?
Yeah. excuse me.
Yeah, hi.
Umm, are you robbing
the supermarket or the bank branch?
The bank.
Ok, so...Do you want
everybody down
or just the people
at the bank?
All of you.
Bank branch.
All of you.
Bank branch.
Will you shut up?
I'll handle this.
Bank branch only!
Everybody else, just
go on about your business.
sh*t, this ain't working.
Everybody down!
That's an illegal dismount.
Oh, my god.
An "a" squad
pompom string.
Ow!
Keep your eyes
on the ground.
This is great.
How are we doing?
Quick. big bills,
big bills.
This here is bull dung!
That's what this is.
I'll find you.
Go on.
I ain't gonna let some
piece of dirt Betty doll
tell me what to do.
No, sirree Bob.
Freeze, scumbag!
Don't you never use the
lord's son's name in vain
around these parts
in the U.S.A.
What the heck?
Uh, I forgot
to tell you.
Sometimes when
the rebels
take the g*n
off a corpse,
some live rounds
get left in the clip.
Good to know.
Cheese on a cr*cker.
Alright,
you guys, let's go.
I'm here live at
the scene of today's
highly unusual bank
robbery, speaking with an eyewitness.
Can you tell us
what happened here today?
You're talking
to the right person,
I am walking evidence.
One of them stepped
right on my [beep].
Excuse me, can you
get a sh*t of me?
This is important, buddy.
Can you dust my [beep] for prints?
It's important.
I can't believe you're
standing there, you idiot!
Wait, hold on, I forgot.
I have this. This is
really important...
That's nice.
Thank you for your time.
As you can see,
this crime here today
is affecting people
very seriously.
If you haven't heard,
today,
5 pregnant Betty
dolls robbed the bank.
Can you believe this?
We're like celebrities.
Better enjoy it now.
Because tomorrow some little
kid falls down a well,
and we're nothing
but a distant memory.
Disguises
incinerated.
Oh, bad news, di.
There was one thing
we just couldn't fit
in the furnace.
Oh, my god.
Oh, you guys!
Thank you. Oh!
Can you believe
we did it?
I mean...
We did it.
We really
did it.
I guess no one
could have predicted
the sh*t storm
that was about to hit.
The only thing people
cared about, thought about,
or talked about
was the robbery.
Judging by the way the robbers
practically flew up
to spray paint
the security cameras,
I think it was
an Asian g*ng.
Yeah. Because as a people,
they tend to be quite tiny
and very acrobatic.
That's all it took.
Next thing you know,
Dim Sum Charlie's
being hauled in
for questioning.
From there, the town just
turned into a freak show.
Aah!
Get her!
That's her! That's her!
I'll never forget
that face!
This thing spread
faster than a canker sore
on the girls swim team.
Someone in Lincoln would
say something like...
They were dressed like
a bunch of freakin' Betty dolls,
for [beep] sake.
They had these
[beep] little voices,
and only a bunch of
[beep] damn queers
Would sh**t up
a union cap.
All of a sudden,
it's on Jerry springer.
This thing was
definitely huge.
Welcome to the show.
Today, we're gonna meet a number of transvestites
who don't just
dress up as women.
They like to dress up
as pregnant women.
Eric karros...
The country had come
down with Betty doll fever.
Left drive over the left field wall,
into a waiting pack
of Bettys.
And then it
finally happened--
the moment I had
been waiting for.
The little
dipshits in blue
finally followed up
on my evidence.
Heh.
I'm Kurt loder
with an mtv news brief.
Authorities now believe
a group of teenage girls
are responsible for
the Betty doll bank robbery.
Stay tuned for my interview
with Alanis Morissette
on the negative influence
of the Betty doll on young girls.
Hello?
It was Lucy.
Lucy went to the cops.
Remember, Kansas.
Every time you point a finger,
you have 3 more
pointing back at you.
She's been the weak tit on
this mama cat since the beginning.
That you?
Hold on.
Call me later.
I gotta get some
smokes for grandma.
Don't use big bills.
For a pack of cigs?
I'll use her food stamps.
Hello?
We're dead.
They showed
this prison movie
to my youth group
on Sunday.
Hannah--
it wasn't like the prison we saw.
The women had
to shave their heads
because they got lice
from the filthy lives they lived.
Oh, no. I'm gonna be
someone's bald bitch!
Oops. Hold on a second.
Hello?
Di? it's Luce.
Kansas just called and
said she's gonna freak me up.
I heard coughing and a thud,
and Kansas had to go.
I think her grandma
had another heart att*ck.
Why does she wanna
freak me up?
She thinks you went
to the police.
What? that's insane.
Why would I go
to the police?
Relax. Gotta get that.
I'll see you
tomorrow. Hello?
My Sunday school teacher
says in prison,
women shove
broomsticks up your--
Hold on.
Yeah?
Hello?
No. this is Diane.
I think you have
the wrong number.
Oops. That's me. Gotta go.
Wrong number? No!
Hello?
Di?
I called to say Conan talked
about us again last night.
Thanks, Cleo.
See you tomorrow.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, except for
the morning sickness,
the blinding back pain,
and the embarrassingly
unpredictable gas,
these are the best days
of your life, so far.
Hey, hey, hey.
Not so fast.
Following your dream
isn't a crime.
Nobody suspects you.
Nobody even has a clue.
Hmm.
hey, pistolero
hey, guys.
Someone not take
a shower today?
Hey, Lisa,
did you run into
Carmen electra last summer?
No.
Because it looks like you
got some of her tits on you.
This just came from
The National High School Cheerleading Association.
You might wanna look it over
before you try more
cradle dismounts from
double-based partner stunts
that are over shoulder stand
level, without using 3 catchers.
Oh...or before you think about
robbing another bank.
What did she say?
How does she know?
Move it, people.
FBI. FBI. Freeze!
I'm sorry to
bother you, ma'am,
but is this gonna take long?
It's game night.
Face front.
Are you sure
they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Picture in 3, 2, 1.
Excuse me, on law & order,
they get to make one call.
I need to call
the father of my babies.
It's a fungus.
Leave it alone.
Nothing I can do. Hello?
Lisa, it's Diane.
We need to talk.
And that's why I came forward.
Even the kids
on the short bus
can see that all the evidence
points to Diane and the "a" squad.
Oh, it sure does.
Your testimony will
prove invaluable--
unfortunately,
it wasn't them.
Heh. they were all waiting
in my suburban that day
while I ran into the
supermarket for some cash.
We were on our way
to practice.
Well, better get going.
Nobody ever got ahead
by sitting on their behind.
Hey! over here!
Is that Lisa?
What's she doing here?
Come on.
They let you guys
keep your mug sh*ts?
I don't get it.
Why did you tell the cops we were with you?
Look, guys, a failure to plan
is a plan for failure.
We needed an alibi.
I'm not gonna be doing
back handsprings anytime soon.
What's in it
for her?
Well, the "a" squad
is going to need
a new captain soon.
You can't be serious!
Lisa really does
know all the rules.
Look! If it wasn't for my alibi,
you'd all be doing college
by correspondence.
Get away from me!
Gross. Diane!
Sorry, it just slipped out.
Ok!
Funny how things
work out in the end.
Diane turned in her pompoms,
and I'm the new
"a" squad captain.
After all, National High School Cheerleading Association
rule number one--
always stand behind your fellow cheerleaders.
Especially when they're
7 months pregnant,
locked in a holding t*nk,
and looking at 15 to life.
Actually, I made
that last little bit up,
but you know what I mean.
well, she was
an American girl
raised on promises
she couldn't help thinkin'
that there
was a little more to life
somewhere else
after all,
it was a great big world
with lots of places
to run to
and if she had to die
tryin' she had one little
promise she was gonna keep
oh, yeah, alright
take it easy, baby
make it last all night
she was an American girl
well, it was kind of cold
that night
she stood alone
on her balcony
yeah, she could
hear the cars roll by
out on 441, like waves
crashin' on the beach
and for one desperate
moment there
he crept back
in her memory
god, it's so painful
when something
that's so close
is still so far
out of reach
oh, yeah, alright
take it easy, baby
make it last all night
she was an American girl
an American girl
an American girl
let's go
good morning, sunshine
what you wanna do today?
I'm so tired of working
I've got too many bills
to pay, that's ok
'cause I've got
a real straight sh*t
you've got
a pretty good car
so pick a point
on the map
doesn't matter which one
we'll be rich
when the job gets done
you hold the bag,
and I'll hold the g*n
fill up the t*nk
let's Rob a bank
I've got holes in my shoes
I've got holes
in my underwear
take a look in my wallet
there used to be some
money there, I don't care
'cause I've got
a real straight sh*t
you've got
a pretty good car
so pick a point
on the map
doesn't matter which one
we'll be rich
when the job gets done
you hold the bag,
and I'll hold the g*n
fill up the t*nk
let's Rob a bank
we can have
everything we want
ooooh
la, la, la, la
I can buy a new guitar
you can pay
your credit cards
let's Rob a bank
'cause I've got
a real straight sh*t
you've got
a pretty good car
so pick a point
on the map
doesn't matter which one
we'll be rich
when the job gets done
you hold the bag,
and I'll hold the g*n
fill up the t*nk
let's Rob a bank
point on the map,
doesn't matter which one
let's Rob a bank
we'll be rich
when the job gets done
let's Rob a bank
you hold the bag,
and I'll hold the g*n
fill up the t*nk
let's Rob a bank
Sugar & Spice (2001)
Moderator: Maskath3