Excuse me.
I am looking for the illegal
street car racing.
Awesome!
Thanks, bro.
Hey.
Get off me, man!
Looking for Vin Serento.
Who isn't, take a number.
Here he is now.
Thanks...
man!
Hey, back off sisters!
He's my man!
Come on...
Damn, that's a fine ass.
What?
Uh, I said...
Kick some.. ass.
Yeah!
Kick some ass, Vin!
- That's what she mean.
- Yeah.
Alright everyone.
The race is around the factory
and back.
No second place.
Winner takes all.
Who's in?
I'll race, homes.
What are you staking?
A case of TEC-9s.
Completely untraceable.
Well this is getting serious,
Vin.
Alright who else has
the balls to race?
Me!
And I got 10 pounds
of the prompt cheatham weed
to say I'm going to win, yo.
Alright...
I guess this ain't going to be
no friendly race.
I'm about to up the stake
big time.
I'm bringing this bitch
to a whole new level.
That's right.
Two words.
Spa day.
I'm talking the works.
Aromatherapy.
Shea Butter moisturizing bath.
Cucumber micro-exfoliating treatment.
And full body seaweed wrap.
Does that sh*t also includes the
lavender rejuvenation facial mask?
What do you think?
I want to race.
I got the pink slip to my car that says
I can take all of you.
You think you can just
strolled up and race.
Vin Serento?
What are you driving?
A car.
With unicorns.
Let's see what're you packing
under the hood.
Whoa!
He's got one of those big shiny things
with a lot of tubes and curly curls
coming out of it.
With a red doeken.
Vin, he's got one of those fancy thing
in the jiggers.
That's the real deal.
But it's not the car you drive.
It's the driver who's driving the car...
that's doing the driving.
That's right.
Let him race.
You heard my little sister.
Let's see what you got.
If you win, you get me.
But..
If you lose...
You get her.
We've got a black guy in a white
neighborhood, minding his own business.
All units respond. Repeat.
All units respond.
We're good to go,
the cops are going to be busy for a while.
Yo! Start the race!
Alright.
Ready.
Hey, white boy!
You're grinding your gears.
You have to stop accelerating
as you put it in the first.
Thanks, I've never actually driven
a stick before.
Go!
Aww...!
Oh!
Damn it!
Forgot to get gas!
Hurry up. I'm in a race.
You're not getting a tip,
slowpoke.
Feel the trills!
If you win, you get me.
But if you lose...
You get her.
Oh, hell no!
I ain't going out like that!
Too soon, rookies.
My turn to jeez up.
Whoa...!
This is...
Awesome!
My bad!
I'm coming for you, Serento.
Oh..
sh*t..
I'm going to win.
I'm going to win.
Did I win?
Smoked them!
Alright guys, pay up.
Come here, puppy.
What you grinning about?
I almost b*at you.
You almost b*at me?
You only can't b*at me,
you can't even b*at yourself.
Not true Serento.
I've b*ating myself
since junior high.
No way.
You wagered a 10 sec car,
you owe me a 10 sec car.
Deliver to the shop tomorrow,
Bitch!
Polpol! Roll out!
Polpol?
You know five-O.
Pigs, bacon, barney.
The heat, the law,
the fuzz, the man.
No.
The boys in blue.
The thin blue line.
Johnny Law, Smokey,
Gunshoot, Flatfoot.
Come on man?
Haven't you ever seen an episode
of of CSI or NCIS or Illinois SBU.
Are they on Netflix?
I'm out of here!
Damn, it's the cops!
Thanks for the heads up bro!
Where do you think you are going?
Cupcake.
Take it easy.
- Who were you racing with?
- Nobody.
I was taking a romantic midnight drive.
Oh, bullshit.
Give me a name. Was it Serento?
Aw..
Funny now?
Aw..
He's a kind of robot.
Oh, yeah. Alright.
Ready? Here we go!
Come on, cupcake, you're done.
Let's go.
Give me your hands.
Come on.
Hey!
Jeez, Hanover,
you have to be so rough?
I had to make it look real.
Serento might had been watching.
Serento ever found out I'm was an
undercover cop, he would k*ll me.
Don't worry. I
erased your files.
No one on the force even
knows you're a cop.
Your secret dies with me.
It's just. Maybe I'm not
the right guy for the job.
I mean. I don't exactly fit in.
- I'm really white.
- You'll be fine.
I'm so white that when I went to
an all white boarding school.
Nicknamed was "cr*cker".
- I get it.
- No, I don't think you do!
I love hockey.
I water ski,
I have a favorite lacrosse team.
I have a crush on Martha Stewart.
People mistake me
for the WikiLeak's guy.
Okay.
I still buy Kid Rock albums.
I put purplery sachets
in my underwear drawer.
I wear Crocs.
I take a weekly Zumba class.
Oh, for Christ sake.
I cried.
When 'Friends' went off the air.
My favourite actress of all time,
is Kristen Stewart,
And my favourite movie off all time,
is Pitch Perfect.
Oh, dear God!
I'm so white,
that I put mayonnaise on sticks,
and freeze them to
make mayonnaise sickles.
You have no family,
you got no friends.
You score through the roof
on the criminal aptitude test.
Take a look.
Score higher than Charles Manson.
Dexter.
You score higher than Kanye.
It's a fine line, which side
of the law you even belong.
That makes you perfect for undercover work.
Or being a journalist for TMZ.
I guess so.
Now look, Serento and his crew
are responsible for everything.
From truck heist to counterfeiting
Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards.
There is something big going down.
We think that they might be working
for this man.
J.lo's ex-hubby, Marc Anthony?
No!
That's Juan Carlos De La Sol,
the criminal king pin of LA.
Right...
Now look.
Tonight you got closest to Serento
than anyone ever has.
But I need you to get closer still.
I need you to join their crew.
So we can get the evidence
that we need to take these guys down.
Are you with me?
That's my boy.
But, how do I explain to Serento
why you release me?
Just tell him you b*at my up and ran away.
- You think he'll go for that?
- Yeah, if it looks right.
What do you mean?
Hit me.
- Come again?
- Look, we got to make it look real.
Like we really got into a brawl.
And you knuckles got to look
you had been hitting somebody.
So, hit me.
Oh, I can't.
I mean, can't we just like.. puts some
fake blood on my knuckles or something.
Serento's a streetwise thug,
he's going to see right through that..
Now hit me!
Oh.. That hurts!
I never actually hit someone before!
Now do it again, and harder.
Harder.
Harder!
Oh sh*t, I'm sorry.
Your lips bleeding.
It's nothing. Okay, my turn.
What do you mean, my turn?
Serento will never believe
that you b*at a hard detective,
without taking a few beats yourself.
I guess so but...
Hey?
You alright?
You good? Yeah, you alright.
Hey.
You got my car 10 second car?
As promised.
Come on...
- This thing is tiny!
- Exactly.
With it's light body and a beef engine,
this could be...
The fastest car in the circuit.
But Vin, it's all busted up.
It's a ton of work.
Then fix it up!
And you're going to help him.
- Cos now you work for me.
- What?
We have a full medical and dental plans.
We recognized same sex partnership
for health benefits.
And last but not least...
Casual Fridays.
That's when I get to wear
my dope ass Hawaiian shirts.
Deal with it, bitch!
Alright, Vin.
Where can I put my stuff?
Over there.
Whoa.
A lot of stolen merchandise.
Whoa..
Son of a bitch!
Come on, drink it!
Drink it, you son of a bitch!
What are you doing!
You're going to k*ll him!
You know how fattening this stuff is!
He's a cop!
- I saw him snooping around.
- I ain't not cop!
You're wearing a wire!
Aww..
I hate cops.
I saw him get arrested last night.
They b*at him down trying
to get him to give me up.
And he never dropped a dime.
- Vin!
- I live by my instincts.
And he's as much as a cop
as my girlfriend is in the class
about her true sexual identity.
I can't believe this...
Why don't he go out with your
sister while he's at it.
Pick you up at 7?
It's a date.
Oh, come on!
Nice.
Nervous?
No.
I am, I'll admit it.
- You are?
- Sure.
I'm not so good at this.
The whole time we're out.
I'm going to be thinking about when
is the right moment to kiss you.
Really?
I propose that we just do it now,
and get it out of the way.
Do the first kiss now?
What do you say?
Alright.
- I feel better already.
- Me too.
So. What do you have planned
for our date.
I was thinking a little dinner.
Sounds great.
Fondue? How romantic.
- May I?
- Please.
Sorry.
Awkward first date moment.
Yeah.
So tell me about your brother.
What do you want to know?
I do not know.
How does Vin have the money
to pay for all those
suit up cars?
Does he engage in illegal activities.
On regular.. basis?
What is he planning to do
with LA king pin
Juan Carlos De La Sol?
- I don't want to talk about my brother.
- Right.
- Let's talk about you.
- What about me?
What are you there?
You're not a tough girl.
Sure, on the outside.
You have this take no sh*t hard exterior.
But, on the inside..
You're completely different.
I am?
Your ideal night,
is cuddling up with your snuggie.
Watching your favorite movies.
The Notebook, Dear John
and The Human Centipede.
You donate all of your extra money,
to the causes closest to your heart.
Save The Whales
Amnesty International,
No Child Left Behind Without
an Xbox.
And on New Year's eve,
when the clock strikes midnight,
Just as Ryan Seacrest
ushers in the new year.
When the big ball thingy.
Lowers on that..
Thing.
You make a wish that the new year
will bring you, the true love.
Flat tire.
Jordana told me what went down
on your date last night.
About the fondue and flat tire?
About the..
Relationships,
You had at the back of her apartment.
Sorry, Vin.
It won't happen again.
It better happen again.
I've never seen my sister
so happy before.
She's glowing.
Yeah.
I got it.
I'll be right there.
Michelle, let's bounce.
Vin.
Vin, baby.
You know I got softball every Tuesday!
You're ready to take your sh*t?
- Where are we going?
- Don't ask so many questions.
Why?
That's another question.
Why so curious?
So, if I knew where we were going,
I would know how to dress.
Fancy, casual...
nautical.
Whoa. Hey, hey!
You taking him over me?
Thought we were BFFs.
Fine.
You can forget about
coming over tonight and
watch the season finale
of the Bachelor.
Cos you are no longer invited!
Let's go.
"Heading out. Something big
going down with De La Sol."
"Will monitor your activities..."
On behalf of Juan Carlos De La Sol,
Thank you for coming.
You are here
because you are the best in the city.
But alas,
we only need one driver.
This is bullshit!
To get the job...
you are going to have to audition.
We'll see who is the best
of the best.
Oh, yes.
I think you know what you got to do
to impress De La Sol.
And to show you have the cojones..
To work for him.
Vin. What's going on?
Just follow my lead.
Freestyle.
Oh yes, yes. Come on twerk!
Twerk like Miley Cyrus!
Yes.
Yes.
Diego!
Man, I had you.
I totally out danced you.
You never out dance me.
Who're you kidding?
3 years dance repertory.
Ballet, modern,
contemporary and even tap.
Right then, but next time...
Next time.
- Nice moves.
- Thanks.
I only need one driver.
But you guys had ball so good.
I decided I'm going to hire
the two of you.
- What's the job?
- Very simple.
You must drive my super car
to this location.
Upon delivery,
you will be paid $ 100,000.
- Super car?
- Yeah.
- She's a tiger.
- I know.
It's the only one of it's kind.
It's priceless.
You got yourself a deal.
- Question.
- Here we go again.
Excuse me?
Why don't you just drive the car yourself?
I would. But I have
a million unpaid parking tickets.
So they raise my insurance premium.
Besides that, the car is a
like a cop magnet. You know.
You tried Geico?
15 minutes can save you 15%.
Yes. And half like it even Progressive,
but it's still a little worth to have.
Are you a college graduate?
Cos if you are a college grad,
she could be eligible for a
pretty substantial discount.
I once took a French league class
in the college, does that count?
Did you pass?
No, the professor flunked me.
So I sh*t him.
Look I rather just pay criminals
like yourself to drive the super car.
Whenever I have to move it's location,
okay?
- Make sense to me.
- But the math doesn't add up!
You are offering us $ 100,000
in a down economy.
What was your best bid from Aflac?
Look! Do you want the job or not?
God damn it!
Yes, he does.
- Let's go.
- Get the f*ck in the car!
It's not working.
Dumb car must be broken.
- Your foot is on the brake.
- What?
Oh right...
I got a bad feeling about this.
Why?
Listen to the score.
Dissonant chord progression.
Heavy use of Strings.
Oboe.
It all seems quite ominous.
You got the money?
There you go, sir.
Count it.
Make sure it's all there.
Nah.
This guy seems alright to me.
Oh, oh.
- I got it!
- Throw it, you idiot!
Not to me!
I don't want it!
What you waiting for, Vin.
Throw it!
Nah. I'm going to time it just right.
So when I throw it.
They will catch it.
And it will explode before they have
a chance to throw it back.
Good thinking, right?
Get ready!
Wait for it.
One.
Two.
And three.
You okay?
I think we got double crossed.
Oh, you think so?
Where're you going?
Oh, sh*t!
No!
Oh, sh*t..
Serento ever found out I was an
undercover cop, he would k*ll me.
Don't worry. I erased your file.
I'm the only one in the force
who knows that you're a cop.
Your secret dies with me.
Oh, sh*t!
Come on, you bastard!
Take it easy.
He's dead.
You're a cop k*ller now.
High five.
Let's go, come on.
Let's go!
He k*lled a cop.
Son of a bitch!
Detective Johnson,
I got some files for you to look at...
This is no time for paper work.
I got regular, decaf, latte...
I'll drink some coffee when
I solved this crime.
Here are the urine samples
you requested.
Oh smell this!
Look.
People.
The only thing I want right now is
to know what happened here.
Officer Canaro,
what have you got?
There is a camera.
Yeah. So?
So.
Maybe, it recorded what happened.
And then what?
And then..
And then
you could watch the tape.
And see.. who sh*t him.
It just might worked.
Who is he?
There's nothing on him.
No record.
Guy kills a cop,
has no priors...
Doesn't make any sense.
Let's check the body,
I want a fingerprint.
What the hell is that?
The black light will expose
what the human eye can't see.
Like what date line uses,
for those exposes
or Motels with dirty sheets.
Covering disgusting bed bugs.
Gotcha.
You, son of a bitch.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
Where is my car?
Well, Carlos.
I don't mean to be the bearer
of bad news, but..
I don't have it.
So. You don't have my car?
Well uh...
The double cross didn't go as planned,
per Se.
Per Se?
Yeah, per Se. You know.
As a matter of speaking.
Yeah, but you say per Se,
when what you said wasn't exactly accurate.
So what happened?
The double cross didn't go as planned.
So, Not per Se after all.
I guess not. Not per Se.
And that!
That!
Per Se!
I have more information. Senor.
I was going to tell you,
but you stabbed me.
Yeah well,
you must always k*ll the messenger.
That's sort of how we work,
right?
Si, Si. I understand, but...
Quick.
Make him comfortable.
Bring a pillow
and some coconut water.
Here.
- Bless you.
- This pillow is down filled!
I'm allergic!
You have a hypoallergenic one?
I don't know.
Perhaps cotton or I don't know..
Something in the soft, microfiber.
Thank you.
There, feel better now.
It will help to replenish
your electrolytes.
It's filled with mango and peach.
Feel better now?
Oh, Serento.
He sh*t the other three.
I barely got out with my life...
Serento, huh.
Get rid of him.
Carlos...
Madre de Dios, Que me asust!
I wasn't done.
Forgive me please.
I constantly interrupt people.
It's a terrible habit,
I'm working on it.
But my therapist says
it's a form of narcissism.
Anyway, you were saying?
I know where Serento
and his crew hideout.
It's at the warehouse of...
I interrupt again, didn't I?
Yeah.
Therapy is a process.
Get my car.
As for Serento and his crew.
k*ll them all.
I have more information, senor.
Alright people. We are in serious
lock down mode.
No one leaves the garage.
De La Sol is out to k*ll me,
and the rest of you.
How can you be so sure?
By follow my Tweeter.
Check this out.
A Tragedy has occurred.
Where a veteran detective
has been brutally m*rder*d.
Come on, you bastard!
Police had been ordered
to sh**t this man.
Police are also encouraging
Angelenos to take the law
into their own hands.
If you see this man,
please sh**t him, s*ab him,
or if the opportunity arises,
slap him upside the head.
Oh, come on!
What?
- We have to get out of here.
- Go where?
Some place where no one would find us.
Some place with no extradition,
like Tokyo or Rio
or Florida.
You are talking fake passports,
plane tickets,
living off the grid...
We don't have that kind of money,
Vin.
Then we need to get some money,
fast.
Or we're all dead.
Ideas?
How about we moved to San Francisco and
open an alternative lesbians coffee shop.
What? I'm just big ballin.
Why don't we just sell this bitch
super car.
We'll be rich!
Boom!
Problem solved, bitch!
Great idea,
if it were actually a "super car".
What?
87 octane?
Super cars only run on premium.
I know it.
Why would De La Sol have us drive this car
unless it was valuable.
Something smells fishy.
It's a break down of all De La Sol's
illegal activity.
Records of bribes to corrupt politicians,
where he houses his hoes,
Where he keeps his stash of money
worth over a $100 million.
Wait... That's it!
Right!
We go to the house where he keeps his hoes
and we keep it.
We steal his $100 million.
And get out of town for good.
Who's in?
I'm in.
Boss, I got the lunch.
Thank God, I'm starving.
What is this?
Burger and fries.
Yeah I can see that.
I'm not blind!
But I ordered a kid's meal.
I'm sorry.
You know that I've been collecting
the 'Despicable Me' minions.
- I told you. You know that.
- Yes
I have them all,
except for Carl.
I have Jerry, I have Stuart,
I have Kevin, Dave,
but I needed Carl.
Carl says.
"Bee-doh! Bee-doh."
And you forget about it.
I need the BeeDoh BeeDoh guy,
to complete my collection!
Okay, I go back.
I go get a new one.
No, no, no..
I don't even want it anymore.
Robbing Juan Carlos' of a $100 million,
ain't going to be easy.
If we are going to pull off this heist,
we're going to need a bigger crew.
First thing first,
we need a black guy.
As Ja Rule or Bow Wow
or Ludacris.
Why does he have to be a rapper?
Cos movies like these always have a rapper
doing the cameo.
It brings in the urban demographic.
Dummy.
Plus, they get to do a soundtrack title.
Hey, what about uh ..
Lil Wayne, T.I., DMX,
Gucci Mane and Akon?
No, all those guys are either on their
way to jail or just getting out of jail.
We'll film a reality show that
chronicles going to jail
and then getting out of jail.
And then go back to jail.
I got it.
I know the perfect guy to do the cameo.
And we need an Asian guy.
- Some one who can drift?
- Because Asian guys are cool.
And last but not least,
we need a beautiful model
making her future acting debut..
She's not going to have a lot of lines
or a lot to do.
But she's smoking hot.
Fine to look at.
MODEL TURNED ACTRESS
- How do you do that?
- What?
You describe them and then like
instantly they're here.
Well, I had to.
It's a classic multi-ethnic
round up scene.
It's in every
Fast & Furious movie.
Plus, I like to give my heist a sort of
United Colors of Benetton feel.
Now let's get down to business.
Alright, these are the
blueprints to the building.
De La Sol is holding his $100 million in.
Does anyone have any idea.
How to read a blueprint?
Oh, damn dog of my.
That's not what you asked me.
You said, can I drive fast
and can I use a g*n.
- Damn!
- So many numbers.
Right, then I say
we go over there
and see for ourselves
what we are up against.
You, Rapper Cameo and
Cool Asian Guy.
Let's roll.
Wait! I'm not going?
No, why don't you stay behind
with the girls.
k*lled him.
That was our secret handshake!
- Now it's his.
- Deal with it.
Bitch!
There's something I need to talk to you
about when you get back.
Can you give me a hint?
Rock-a-bye baby
on the treetop.
When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock.
Okay...
When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall.
And down will come BABY...
cradle and all.
Oh my God!
Are you serious?
You taken up singing.
You should totally try out
for The Voice.
Avril Lavigne is going to love you!
When a man and a woman
make love,
sometimes there can be,
unintended
consequences.
I know exactly
where this is heading.
And I want to talk to you about it.
Great.
Cos I'm pretty sure
you gave me herpes.
I'm...
We'll talk about this later.
Who are you?
Where is the rest of the money?
What do you mean? It's all here.
Watch out!
I'm on it, bro.
De La Sol's stash is worth
over a $100 million.
Where is it?
- Who's De La Sol?
- Who's De La Sol.
Aw...
You think I was born yesterday?
Question.
Is this 1414 Becker Street?
This is 1414
Becker Lane.
What's with all the cash?
We're a church,
it was Bingo night.
I am the pastor, you assh*le!
Que Paso?
Someone just robbed the church
on Becker.
I know they wanted my money.
You think it was Serento?
Duh!
He thinks he can steal my money?
Listen to me, Cesar.
Please pay attention.
- I want my building guarded.
- Okay.
Put the money in the
strongest vault there is.
And k*ll Serento.
- You got it?
- I got it, boss.
Lo Qu es, El medio parte Que?
What?
Uh..
Building.. guarded.
No..no.
The vault?
No, no. Not that, the..
- k*ll Serento?
- Right!
Now I understand.
Guard the building and
put Serento in the vault!
I'll just better text you
the needs, mijo.
It's for the best.
Now, now you have instructions
in your cellphone.
- I didn't get it.
- But I already sent it!
No.
Aye! You have the 4G network?
Yes. Of course.
I'm still under the 3G,
it's much slower.
How can I run a major criminal empire..
And not having the same network?
Well uh, in three months.
My contract is going to end.
And then I plan to upgrade
to the newest network.
But in 3 months,
that would be 5G!
Okay.
How about you give me your phone.
And then you get a new one.
- I'm going to k*ll you.
- We go now.
They're wearing ski masks.
They must have gone skiing
immediately before or after the crime.
Contact the Aspen police,
the Canadian Mounties,
and Whistler in the Swiss Alps
special forces. See what they know.
Right sir.
And take a look at this.
That's Vin Serento.
He's involved too.
Triangulate the area.
I want every available officers
to be on the lookout for these guys.
Serento's chop shop must be close by.
And for God sake.
Someone get me some more baby oil!
How is it going on fingerprint match?
Uh, still nothing.
Wherever you fugitives are,
I'll find you.
You hear me? I will find you!
How about this t-shirt?
Sir?
Is it tight enough?
Is it tight enough?
Yes, I mean I can see your nipples
and everything.
You're damn right.
That's what I'm going for.
Alright. Here's the deal.
1414 Becker Street,
is a Mexican restaurant,
called Big Ass Tacos.
De La Sol's using it as a front.
I love Big Ass Tacos.
It's a perfect cover.
While unsuspecting customers
chow down,
De La Sol got a secret room
at the back.
De La Sol's stash must be there.
Cos they brought in "The
strongest Vault There is."
A vault big enough to hold
a $100 million plus.
But this place is locked down harder than
Lindsay Lohan's liquor cabinet.
If they see us,
we're dead.
But I got a foolproof plan.
That's going to get us the money.
And they'll never know what hit them.
First, we need eyes on the inside.
That's where Jordana and Michelle
come in.
Now before you get into the vault,
there is a counting room.
De La Sol doesn't trust the counter
from stealing.
So to make sure they are not
hiding cash in their clothes.
He makes them all work butt naked.
Everyone's nude.
Even the guards.
You two will get jobs
as new counters.
Wait.
All of these girls are
totally naked and super hot?
Perfect tits.
Every last one of them.
Continue.
Now everyday at 3 o'clock, right after
he finishes watching Judge Judy.
De La Sol comes in to check
on the money in the vault.
Michelle,
you improvise a distraction.
The guard rush over.
Alone, Jordana will slip away
and spy on.
De La Sol as he opens the vault.
What you'll find is that.
The vault is encrypted with a high tech
DNA code that matches De La Sol's.
So. We need a sample
of De La Sol's DNA.
If we're going to
get into that safe.
Come On! Get out of here!
Out!
De La Sol takes a 10 mile run
every morning through the city.
And that's where Model Turned Actress and
Cool Asian Guy come into play.
Model Turned Actress will drive by
getting De La Sol's attention.
And he will say something like..
"Nice boobies."
Then Cool Asian Guy will appear
and say something like..
"Did you just said 'nice boobies'
to my girlfriend?"
And he will reply:
"I don't know, it's that your girlfriend?"
"Yup."
"Well then,
I said 'nice boobies'."
That's when you have to defend her honor.
"So then I must defend her honor
and challenge you to a...
"Karate fight."
Oh, cos I'm Asian.
You automatically assume I know karate?
Do you?
Yeah, I'm a 3rd degree
black belt.
That's a total coincidence.
Anyway, you'll fight him.
You will do spinning windmills.
Leg sweeps,
and flying side kicks.
Then De La Sol will start working your face
like a punching bag.
All in the effort to get De La Sol
to build up a nice sweat.
So Model Turned Actress can collect
DNA sample from his upper ass cr*ck.
Ass cr*ck?
The purest form of DNA.
Now that we have a sample of his DNA,
we can unlock the safe.
How we ever get near the vault
to open it?
That's where you come in,
Rapper Cameo.
We're going to give you the DNA
sample to unlock the vault.
Shove you in a box and
shipped you there.
Say what?
We'll send you ground.
3 to 5 days shipping.
3 to 5 days?
We looked into overnight.
But the rate was outrageous.
Come on, man!
You will get delivered and placed by the
vault, waiting further instructions.
That brings us to Curtis.
You'll be the decoy.
You'll knock on the door.
And when the guards open up.
You tickle him.
- Did you say tickle?
- Did I stutter?
You'll run around the
alley dodging b*ll*ts.
And that will draw the other naked guard to
rush outside and sh**ting you.
When Rapper Cameo
hears all the g*n fire,
he'll pop out like jack in a box.
He'll run over to the door
and lock out the guards.
He'll then use the ass cr*ck
DNA sample to unlock the vault.
Now back outside,
Curtis will finally get sh*t.
Get sh*t?
Yes. And mainly in the groin.
And when the guards go to check to see
if Curtis is finally dead...
I die?
We pull up.
Catching them off guard,
and take them out.
Rapper Cameo opens up from the inside,
We load up the cars with the cash.
Then me and bro,
rendezvous with Jordana,
Michelle, Model Turned Actress,
Rapper Cameo and Cool Asian Guy,
in an extradition free exotic locale.
And the best part of the plan?
No casualty what so ever.
Except for Curtis. Of corse.
Son of a...
So, what do you say?
Okay, second idea.
We bust in, blow open the vault and
drive off.
- Yeah! Uh-huh.
- That's good.
- Yeah! I like that, plan B.
- I like that one.
I'm down with that.
Yeah, yes.
We ride at dawn.
Dawn, really?
What's wrong with dawn?
It's so early,
dawn is before breakfast.
Yeah.
And I am no good without breakfast.
Fine. We ride after breakfast.
How about we all go out for breakfast.
iHop would be fun?
- Yeah!
- Yeah. That's good, that's good.
Their pancakes are the b*mb.
We ride...
after iHop.
Hey Curtis.
Did you finish fixing up the Smart car?
What you think?
Nice.
Real nice.
And I got a little something for you.
Thanks, man.
My unicorn car!
- What?
- You fixed it up?
For me?
Surprise.
No.
It's a simple gesture.
To show how special you are to us.
Giving your sweeten
loving present to him.
What's his name?
Mom was right.
I should have joined an ordinary
motorcycle g*ng instead!
What a baby...
I still need to talk to you.
Before you do.
There's something I need to tell you.
I know what's going on.
- You do?
- Of course. Every one does.
It's not like you have done
a very good job at hiding it.
You don't know what a relief
that is.
- You're fat!
- Excuse me?
I'm sorry, but it's obviously
you got quite a muffin top going on.
Jeez,
you look like a fat Jonah Hill!
Wait, Jonah Hill might actually
be skinny now. Let me think.
Fat in Superbad,
Really fat in Moneyball,
then in 21 Jump Street...
I don't know if he is fat or thin.
I'm so confuse now.
Anyway, have you no pride
in your appearance?
- I am pregnant.
- Why didn't you tell me?
What car is this?
It's my old man's car.
He d*ed in it.
You guys get along?
He was the best.
I never knew my father.
He went out for a pack of smokes...
And he never came back?
No, he came back and told me to
"Smoke up, because he was leaving."
I was 8 years old.
You were just a kid.
It wasn't your fault.
He kind of said it was.
He said before I was born,
He used to have sex with my mom
all the time.
They would go out and see movies.
Travel to interesting places
like Naper Valley or Belize,
But now, he couldn't do
anything fun anymore.
But you still had your mother.
Wow, he made such compelling argument
that she left too.
- You grew up in an orphanage?
- And from foster home to foster home.
Seems that no one wants a perfectly
good blue eye white baby anymore.
Unless you are from Namibia with
flies buzzing around your eyeballs.
You are no good to anyone.
You can't fight celebrity trends.
Brangelina,
Madonna,
Sandy Bullock,
they all have black babies.
I know.
I knocked up your sister.
She told me.
So, what are you going to do?
You going to be like your old man
and take off?
Or you're going to
stick it out like my dad?
Right after that picture was taken,
he took me for ice cream.
What a special memory.
And we robbed the joint.
I'm sorry Detective Johnson but,
I don't know what any of
those hand signals mean.
I have to go pee pee.
Go by the dumpster.
Thanks, don't go in without me.
Son of a bitch!
Go, go, go...
Everyone freeze!
Don't you move.
You son of a bitch.
Or I'll blow your head off!
I said freeze.
Lower your weapons and
surrender now!
Finally got you, Serento.
Your ass is mine.
Uh..
No one's there
and my hand is starting to cramp up.
Fine!
Must have just missed them.
I know we shouldn't have gone to iHop.
I just can't resist those pancakes.
Those chocolate eyes,
whipped cream hair.
Take a look at this.
There's enough evidence here to put
De La Sol away for 3 lifetimes.
What's Serento up to?
And how's it link to De la Sol?
DON'T FORGET TO ROB DE LA SOL
OF HIS $100 million!
What do you know...
They are having a once in a year sales
at Bloomies.
Bloomies Once a Year Sale.
Men, let's roll.
Everyone.
Masks on. Now.
What the hell is that?
What?
You said bring your own mask.
Oh, come on!
Forget it. Forget it.
No masks.
Masks off! Masks off!
Okay.
We take these chains
and hook them to the back.
Pull the wall down.
Catch them by surprise.
They never see us coming.
They totally saw us coming.
Somebody must have set us up.
Hi, Curtis!
You want to grab dinner later?
Call me.
I'm going to k*ll you.
Watch out, Vin!
Why you do it, Curtis?
Sorry, Vin...
He was going to take me
to see One Direction.
One Direction?
That's it!
Now, it's personal!
I'm going to k*ll you, Cesar.
He was my best friend.
I thought we were best friends.
Well, you are.
Well, he was my BFF for a long time.
You got to understand that.
We had our fun together.
- What are we going to do?
- Get in the car.
Stick to the plan.
Pull that wall down.
We're taking that vault.
You just hit my smart car.
Now, it's personaler...
It's more personal.
I'm taking it personally.
It's a personal matter!
Ah.. screw it.
Keep flooring it,
give it all she's got.
Why are we using walkie talkies?
Because I got them on sale.
Whoa..
Holy sh*t...
We do not see that every day.
Is everything okay?
Not exactly, per Se.
Per Se?
My money...
Follow that Big Ass Tacos.
Move, move, move!
Adios!
Stop!
Let her retract.
And then, this time,
slower and evenly,
pull the seat belt.
No, no.. no..
No, no. Cesar, no, again.
Cesar!
Do it again, but this time...
Do it, even slowerly..
I think it's broken.
now, por favor, mijo.
Ahh...!
Go Faster, Ndale way! Vamos!
Where the hell are they going?
Follow that Big Ass Tacos!
Repeat:
follow this Big Ass Tacos!
Copy that.
Go, go, go...
Looks like we got company.
Take them out!
We're on it, Vin.
Ahh...!
Whoa...!
Nice work.
Real smooth.
Cool Asian Guy,
Model Turned Actress.
Now break up,
we'll rendezvous as planned.
Copy that.
Oh, hell no!
How you like a little taste of my
ill received slow jam project.
Oh... Ahh...!
Nice work, Rapper Cameo.
Thanks, Vin. I'm rolling out.
Jordana, Michelle! Heads up.
I see her, Vin.
- She hit the t*nk.
- Stop the car and let me out.
What?
I'll slow her down.
No!
I'm not letting you get arrested,
and let you have your baby in prison.
But Michelle. How are you going to survive
in a all woman's prison?
Stop the car!
Please, not too rough.
Unless you want to.
I taking you downtown and immediately
strip searching you for weapons.
Full body cavity search?
Definitely.
Thank you, God.
Go faster!
Si, Si.
Understand!
It's freezing in here.
I'll put the heater up for you.
Thanks.
There.
Still chilly.
It's at 90 degrees.
Yeah. But yours is at 60!
This Perros is dual-climate,
my side is 60, your side is 90.
The climates are not separated.
It's just one climate!
Do you see any invisible divider here?
Look, look, look..
My hand pass through.
Look, look.
Combines!
So if you really are at 60.
And I'm at 90,
we are really at...
75 degrees.
Si, pero..
We are in the middle of
a car chase right now.
And my temperature
is really high.
Please, please.
I just prefer prefer much cooler.
So. What's you solution? Mijo.
Seat warmer.
Seat warmer.
- Hun?
- Please open your door.
Now, get out!
It's okay... I'm okay, I'm okay!
Let's play. Come on!
I got you!
Go GTA on your ass!
- You only 5 foot 8?
- Yeah.
You look taller.
Thank you.
I pride myself of my good points...
Totally out smart him.
What a dummy...
Son of a bitch!
Locked my keys in my car again!
Yes.
Vin, we can't outrun him.
We need a way out of the city.
I'm way ahead of you.
Getting directions now.
Calculating route.
Calculating.
Right turn in 200 feet.
Damn it, missed the turn.
Bald loser!
I shave my head because it makes me
look cool and tough..
Oh darn.
Your dashboard is dirty.
Could use some.. Mr. Clean..
I'm not going bald.
If that's what you are implying.
Whatever, penis head.
Just because I am bald.
With thick veiny neck muscles.
Does not.. make me..
A penis head!
Damn it!
Pull over!
Pull over!
Pull over! This must end now!
This action scene has
gone on for long enough.
The movie is way over budget!
Vin, they are gaining!
We really need those directions!
- So annoying.
- So annoying..
So annoying..So annoying..
Shut up!
- Shut up!
- Vin..
- We are waiting!
- Shut up.
I'm on it!
We can't out run him.
We got to dislodge the Big Ass Tacos.
When we hit the intersection.
You go left, I'll go right.
Question.
My left or your 1eft?
You only have one left, right?
Got it!
Hang on.
Are you saying 'right' like
you agree..
Or right,
like you are going to turn right?
We are at the intersection,
turn now!
Whoa.
Not on my watch, De La Sol.
Freeze.! Don't move!
Hands up.
Get out of the car.
How do I get out of the car
when my hands are up?
Get out of the car.
What the hell are you doing?
You told me to "Hands up."
Look's like you are going away for
a long time. De La Sol.
Come on, Detective...
I'm sure we can work something out.
Are you seriously trying to bribe
a federal officer?
I can give you whatever you want.
Even tighter spandex shirts.
Human growth hormones agent?
Or perhaps.. a deluxe...
Manscaper razor set.
Get out of here.
Scored!
Serento!
You're under arrest.
Let her go.
Take it easy with her,
she's pregnant!
Don't move,
Put your hands where I can see them.
Not you, Officer White.
You can put your hands down.
White officer?
Did a little checking into you.
I fell in love with you
and you're a cop?
Undercover,
brought in to take you down.
Good work.
You will be given a promotion for this.
I'll personally see to it.
Personally.
I'll let you do the honors.
Officer White.
Son of a bitch!
I'm not a cop anymore.
I am with them.
You're going to turn down
$ 32,500 a year before taxes.
Three unpaid vacation days,
and a bankrupt picture plan and what.
Run off with a $ 100 million,
Scott free?
Living on an exotic beach,
raising your baby with a beautyful woman?
Well... yeah.
That's kind of no brainer.
Damn it!
My baby oil!
No!
Race you to Rio?
When're you going to learn.
You ain't going to b*at me.
- Usually bet?
- No, let's up the stakes.
We're talking all in.
Jordana's unborn baby?
Exactly.
You're on.
Don't worry babe, I got this.
It's over now!
Now give me back my money.
Or I'll k*ll all of you.
And I'll going to start with...
you.
Did you hear that?
No.
Calculating route.
Calculating, calculating,
calculating..
That's what I'm talking about.
Right turn in 200 feet.
Who's the boss?
Left turn in 100 feet.
Who's in charge?
Me, that's who. Me.
Congratulations.
You have reached your destination.
Come on!
Deal with it,
Bald bitch!
I didn't heard "cut"!
Fine.
Stop, dude.
Do you know...
sh*t!
You taking him over me?
This is tough, dude.
- Stop!
- Sorry.
You can forget about coming over tonight
and watch the season finale of the..
You son of a bitch.
- What the hell was that.
Sorry!
You want the job or not?
God damn it.
Do you want?
Don't laugh! You take it or not?
I'm sorry.
What car is this?
What are you doing?
I can't!
Is that rolling it.
And?
Sorry.
- I know what's going on.
- You do?
Come on.
Before you do,
there's something I need to tell you.
I know what's going on.
I know what's going on.
Sorry.
How about I borrow your phone.
And then you go buy a new one.
- You don't like it?
- I don't deserve you, Cesar.
- Don't cry.
- I'm not crying.
- Don't cry.
- I'm not crying.
You make me cry, when you cry.
Don't cry please.
- Am I crying?
- You're crying.
Oh My God, am I crying?
You're crying.
- Why am I crying?
- I don't know!
This is a funny movie,
why am I crying?
I do not know! Please.
I don't know sorry!
- It's suppose to be a funny movie!
- It wasn't funny.
You just want to prove
that you are a good actor!
They never get Oscar from
these spoof movies!
Superfast! (2015)
Moderator: Maskath3